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I'll be your first customer. I went in a little different direction to try and mesh Z and I's style together.

uciwrestling.freeforums.net/thread/3048/s01e02-thicker

Really fun one. Think the meshing went well, especially in the flow of the dialogue, which really made the shoot pretty fun to read. As far as bringing out your character, you're always boss as fuck about that stuff, and the Stranger Things references are always appreciated haha (started rewatching the show not too long ago, psyched for season two.) Do like the description in the beginning as a sort of a lead into a dialogue heavy scene, sort of like an old school comic intro done via lewd vocabulary. With it being a shorter RP, I wasn't expecting too much description from there, and the dialogue worked something like a radio play there by bringing up what wasn't described to give us something close to a point and place.

Anything I felt faltered in the RP I would more have to chalk up to being a product of the length. While the back and forth between the two shows a level of camaraderie with such similar vocabulary, which helped create a rhythm, I felt it ended up lacking a bit of dynamic interaction. Without a real differing aspect between the two (or without a third party) the dialogue can begin to feel like a continuous strand of a single speech pattern (again, its fun and works for the characters, but just something I feel hinders a more paced product or the ability to really put emphasis on a absurd line).

I would love to see you try and mesh styles with a bit more room to move, because I think you could make something interesting out of it.

Most recent or the one before. All fine son.

I want to start with this: This is one of the most interesting challenges to the RPing format by making it a script format. I can immediately see a lot of the benefits. IT allows you to minimize description and forces people to visualize the implication of the images instead of the prose. There are a lot of the times where I've read "the scene opens up with" and it really hurts the more literary element of writing, and having it in the script format, you get to work the scene-by-scene styled pacing without the drawback of description that feels obligatory and get to focus on setting the scene quickly with sparse details, occasional movements, by people's minds fill the space (much like how a script is supposed to work). The format flows incredibly well and I'm glad you went with it.

Also, I like the character, large departure from the Jenson character in attitude and beliefs and I really dig it. Reading your most recent RP, you can immediately get a feel of the kind of person he is and the dialogue really reflects it really well. I also like how you've managed to include the nature of the 'hollywood' breakdown of a seedy person's secrets getting spilled into the media (also, a lot of the names and references you manage to fit in are really fun). The character interactions feel rather organic and really compliment the pacing.

This is a strong character and will definitely keep my eye on it. Really smart stuff and a very unique style that stands out in a great way without trying too hard.

Sorry the feedback took so long, I know I have apologized already, but I know how much it sucks to wait.

Since you don't have a thread for the new one, will just get your attention by quoting this post.

Your most recent was SUUUPER fucking solid. This is what I was really hoping would happen after I saw your last RP, and it didn't disappoint. Very dynamic interactions, great description that reflects the character without over doing it. Layering your trash talk through out the RP on top of the shoot at the end is a great move, and it really gives a sense like these guys are like this 24/7, which lends a stronger legitimacy to what they are saying. I also like the more ensemble feel, the growing family type deal (for some reason reminds me of like the first ninja turtles movie or Power Rangers, but in a good way), I like the development and everything was incredibly amusing to read. You manage to keep it all very lively while progressing strongly.

I rarely ever have anything bad to say about your writing, and this is another case of that. You nailed it dude. If I had to say anything, its that you have me worried anytime we share the same fed haha.

Just to remind people, still taking feedback requests. Though might take me a little bit as I have a full plate today, but I will do my best to give them today.

I know it's an Expanded Universe RP, but some feedback would be nice anyway!


NBW - Introducing: The Walker Family