s01e02: Thicker Things

Withlacoochie. The air is moist and it hangs thick, even planet earth is feelin a little thick with it. The sun is starting to shine overhead, yet something seems off in the quaint Florida town, something feels a little upside down. Kaz and ZMAC walk down the street at about five o clock in the GAWD dayum morning, only true thick dicked zombee warryuhs case joints this early in the morning, but they be on the zWo grind. For most, mornings are for coffee and contemplation. For these Thicker Things, mornings were for coffee, contemplation, and peeping those soft targets.

ZMAC: ey what the fuck we be doin in Florida anyways? Overloads in Wisconsin you dick.

Kaz: this is the closest and best lead we have on finding Jonah Worths desk, plus we can fuckin merc us some garbage Nazis at the same time.

ZMAC: gets two crows stoned at once?

Kaz: something like that. Is it coincidental that my opponent this week happens to be from here?

ZMAC: ain't nothin' a motherfuckin' coincidence around these parts.

Kaz: maybe...maybe you right Ol Z. Did I ever tell you why I started eating gluten free?

ZMAC: because you're a hardcore fgt?

Kaz: nah bitch, listen...my entire life, my diet has been about the same. Jambalaya and all the pulled pork po boys a young thickness could eat...but one day, my skin starts breaking out in hives and I'm scratchin holes in myself.

ZMAC: that's the meth fam.

Kaz: only you suck dat glass dick.

ZMAC snorts, something between laughter and hockin a serious loogie. The kind that if he spat the son of a bitch, the bastard that caught it wouldn't have to buy chewing gum for a week solid. ZMAC decided he needed some trident and swallowed it whole as Kaz continued.

Kaz: anyways...all I know is that a guy my age doesn't just develop a gluten allergy out of thin air, my nig. That shits a straight up myth, like a Mustache Bros title defense in the two Kay seventeen you heard?

ZMAC: yuh, yuh, as likely as one of them givin' a female an actual orgasm.

Kaz: as rare and elusive as an Oblivion victory against this young KazMonstuh. Anyways, so I got holes in my skin and I can't gorge on ten pieces of toast in the mornin' or my dick will fall off or something, and you know I can't abide that shit. Too much poon to tap.

ZMAC: yeah, dat married poon.

Kaz: trust me, it's like the poon of a thousand women. her pinky toe has more skill than most women have in her entire body...its magical.

ZMAC: sounds like it. So back to you bein a massive fgt with a gluten allergy?

Kaz: N E WAAAAAZE...I knew dat a guy my age all of a sudden can't just eat gluten, so I went and saw my personal physician, Dr. Remus Micayle and he ran a series of tests. At first he thought it was a side effect of my cyborg prosthetic, my bodies way of rejecting it...but all tests came back negative.

ZMAC: so what the fuck is the problem?

Kaz: that's the fucking thing, my man, we don't really know...but that shit, it can't be good. It's building like a cancer inside of me, rotting me from the inside out.

ZMAC: rotting ain't so bad, in retrospect. The smells the worst of it.

ZMAC opens his coat and takes a whiff, turning his nose up at his own stench.

Kaz: Speakin of, my nig, you need a shower. Next promo, because we got some bidnezz to take care of, more importantly, some straight up jizzgraces to diz rasslin bidnezz. Startin' witchoo Oblivion, I know you gon be sweating me, tryin to lay down the law this week, just like a straight up white supremacist on a desk stealin trip. See that's the problem right now, bunch of jackbooted nazi thugs tryna cripple da American Dream with their skewed idea of what perfection is...but that's the thing man, ain't nobody fuckin perfect, least of all you.

ZMAC: no shit, boy mondo tard as fuck. White Green mile lookin ass boy. Where da fawk we goin anyways?

Kaz: we're actually here.

ZMAC: a tree nigga? What kind of Mother Earth poon tappa tragedy did we just walk in to?

Kaz: not just any tree fam, this is where it happened. This is where Jakob Lister became The Monster Oblivion. He lit this spot up like a Christmas tree wit da entrails of his beloved out of jealousy, spite, and hatred. These are the kind of stories that make a young nigga think that people like Jakob Lister are just born dat way. In his mind, he has woven a lie so deep that even he's started to believe it. He's told himself that the mental hospital he was staying in refused medication and performer some high anus experiments that resulted in him becoming a monster.

I say that's bullshit Obi. I call bullshit for fucking days fam. They didn't make you split Stephanie 7-10 and hang her up like a Halloween decoration...nah, that shit was born in the depths of your depravity, coated in the afterbirth of nightmares long passed. You could say you were predisposed to mental issues, but my mom, may she rest in peace, had dementia and Alzheimer's, and I do everything I can to counteract these conditions. One day, they may overtake me, but I won't go down without a fight. I won't go down as another Jakob Lister.

Give me one good reason why I should be afraid of you? We have White Nationalists cryin on the Internet about 'give us us peace'...I ain't afraid of the motherfuckin boogeyman. Everyday horrors exist just around the corner, monster movies don't scare me anymore. Your act is tired and afraid Obi, afraid it's run its motherfuckin course straight into an RKAZRO out your asshole come Monday Night. I'm about to turn the world you perceive Upside fucking Down. You ain't walking out with this Television Championship, you'll literally have to kill me, and you can barely win a wrestling match so first degree murder ain't on my list of fears heading into this match.

ZMAC: what about the tree man? Why we fuckin here?

Kaz: violence begets violence. Birds of a fuckin feather flock together. This is our best chance right now of finding those Nazi dogs that done took Jonahs death.

ZMAC: oh shiiiiiiiiit it's da plot boy! Tell me how you gonna beat a bunch of white pride scum WIDDA slingshot tho?

Kaz looks at the weapon holstered underneath his thick.

Kaz: it's not a slingshot, it's a wrist rocket!

As if on cue, a horde of hooded Klan folk began to descend on the scene with dollar store tiki torches and nooses made out of play doh.

ZMAC: boys can't even grand dragon right in a mawf'k, for real for real.

Kaz: pity, these boys used to invoke fear...but dats before a bunch of savvy tech nerds doxxed em on the Internet, now they gotta wear their grannies bedsheets again. Fuckin shame in this bitch.

The klansmen walk upon the tree.

ZMAC: why y'all need torches, it's the middle of the fuckin morning!

Klansmen 1: it's a symbol of unity! The fire in the soul of the confederacy will never be quelched!

Kaz: that war was years ago motherfuckers! Let it go, were partying!

Klansmen 2: never, you nigger sympathizers!

ZMAC: dat's a fuckin neck if I ever seen one, you ready Kaz my dude?

Kaz: kiddin me? I was born for dis shit!

Kaz takes aim with the wrist rocket and let's it fly, just for the slug to plink off the face of a rather massive Nazi in a wooden mask.

Klansmen 3: Ooga booga bitch tits.

Kaz: dat's your opening gambit?

Klansmen 3: uh...paras troika?

Kaz looks to ZMAC.

Kaz: should say base.

ZMAC: or freeze?

Kaz/ZMAC: what a bitch tit.

And "Lords of Salem" by White Zombie begins to play as Kaz and ZMAC dispatch of the white Nazi lords with relative ease, boppin on em with RKAZRO's and Curb Stomp like straight up bosses...if you don't learn from American History X, you'll be doomed to repeat it.

Should I stay or should I go?
If I go there will be trouble.
But if I stay it will be double.

- The Clash