In Stasis {Part 1} Feedback

Want to come out saying if there is anything that I critique that deals with an element that is covered in another RP, I apologize and feel free to null and void my critique as a whole because of it haha. That being said, I'm not too harsh of a critic, so I wouldn't worry too much.

I want to point out right away that I didn't feel too lost, I got the gist of the scene and setting fairly easily, which is nice, especially in the world of serial story telling, its hard to create a cogency to immerse new readers. I imagine that it helped that it was part one of a new arc, but still, I was able to step into the story once I was able to get a hold of the who's and what's. I also like that the narrator was an active character that was not the main character, seemed like an interesting touch that leaves a lot of room open for playing with its mechanics and form to really define a voice in the typical first and third person descriptions in the Fed.

There was a healthy dynamic of humor and drama in it, the humor definitely more of a injection into the bigger point of the narrative which had a positive effect, because a lot of the time in e-fedding humor can be a rather lost or overwhelming element, rarely inbetween, and having it more as a note to break up the drama (like a light joke) or an emphasis of the stakes (like the mention of dark humor leading into an intimate moment), its a nice way to keep the story from being too monotone, which I appreciate.

You did a good job of setting the stakes by really establishing the relationships in a clear and concise manner and while the story was somewhat brief, it did seem like a strong set up to the much larger narrative in question. You set up a relationship, allowed them a sort of small triumph, and then robbed them of it to create turmoil and allow a motivation to push the story forward which is solid, if you really pay attention to the chips you lay down, I can see a strong story coming out of this.

I also liked the feel for the characters I got for the most part, it did seem that each had a particular role they played in the team dynamic. I would like to see that come out a bit more, maybe see a bit more of it in their dialogue or particular actions that seem more crucial to the story, but largely, as a new reader unfamiliar with them, it does seem you have an idea of what all of them are supposed to be in the bigger picture.

Also really liked the sort of classic sci-fi element of dealing with the helmet issue, and while I am also not a biological expert by any means, knowing you came up with it on the fly seemed impressive as it seemed there was a logic in what you were presenting, which makes it fun to read, because I do enjoy sci-fi a great deal as well. Though, I will say the explanation does seem to be a large portion of the story, but that is common among most sci-fi stories haha, but do try to watch for the brevity by maybe looking for redundancies in information you can omit and allow a brief and exact explanations for stuff like that. Still dug it though.

One thing I would like to see a bit more defined is the description itself. You do a well enough job, but it seems like for it being a rather specific perspective, it could allow for a little bit more subjectivity. Allowing a more emotional view of things would bring out a stronger sense of atmosphere and character, as well as allow for the weight of the situation to become a bit more prominent.

Now, I know this was far more CD than shoot, but I do want to touch on the shoot, mostly because while you did seem to make something of an effort, there is something in there I do see in a lot of people's shoots that I think could be improved. See, while it is apparent you gathered some info on your opponents, it feels you didn't quite capitalize on it as strongly as you could have when showing your character's view on that information. One thing to make it seem less like 'research' and more like opinion is to allow your character to react, show less of the information itself and allow the character to form an opinion of what they think that means about the entirety of their enemy's personality. Does that information make them seem lazy? Crude? Unpolished? Cocky? Well, more so than just saying it, let the character react to the perceived cockiness, let your character really assess how it reflects the rest of the oppositions being, and I think you'll find your shoots will flourish a bit more, but thats just my personal opinion on the matter.

Overall, I think its a good part 1, felt almost like the pacing on a comic book, which I feel emulates the guardian's work to the letter. Looking forward to seeing where you take this and move with it. Think you have the potential to be a strong member to their team.