The Verge: Disbarred (ep 1 of 4)

Dedicated to the memory of the late, great Sloshed Pit. Farewell sweet bar. For the things I remember.. for the even more epic things I don't remember. You will never be forgotten.  You will be avenged.



Courtesy YouTube, The Search For a Contender Entry #1.

A 7 foot tall giant dressed as a dwarf stands tall, more seriously then you would expect a giant dressed as a dwarf to be at least. His sidekick, partner whatever distractedly snap chats beside him.

Giant: I am Cragnar! And I am back for vengeance! Not on Jansen. We already have our vengeance on him. We went to Canada where larping is not banned! So we got the last laugh.

Sidekick: Well sort of. Canada sucks. It says it's 30 out and when I go outside in a coat it's boiling hot. Canada makes no sense.

Cragnar: Also I ordered bacon and got this ham like stuff they say is Canadian bacon. Ah the sacrifice we make to larp, huh whatever your name is.

Sidekick: It's Scourge Darkfire. It's always Scourge Darkfire.! Why do you never remember this?

Cragnar: Sure... pick on the little guy.

Darkfire: My best friend is a dwarf! You! You can't say I'm anti dwarf. Why are we here anyways? I was going to post action action larps on instagram.

Cragnar: I've decided to strike a blow for the underdog! I'm sick of dwarves getting no respect! So I'm going to be the first dwarven world champion in the history of wrestling! Sure my first match in the UCI didn't go well but this time will be different! This time when I fight for the chance to become number one contender my dice rolls will be high, my luck score off the charts, and I'll even have Darkfire here to help me with the save! When I replace Alex Richards, defeat Andre Holmes then win the world title no one will ever look down at a dwarf again!

Narrator: You would think Alex Richards would be in a horrible mood wouldn't you? Having his much loved bar, The Sloshed Pit destroyed, having been defeated in the finals of Wentworth's 100k tournament, having been accused of doing the deed himself..

Alex Richards: Okay... okay we get the fucking point. Enough already!

Narrator: But instead a battered looking Alex Richards, his face severely bruised from the series of Medusa's Touches he received at the hands of David Sanchez looks at me, his brother Shaun Zach, and his girlfriend Rebecca Thatch and favors us with a smile. In spite of the scene in the background, the burned down hulk of the former bar. The charred shell of what once was the Sloshed Pit.

Alex Richards: It's alright. You know.. I just feel kind of disbarred.

SZR: I think you didn't use that term right.

Alex Richards: I feel like I don't have a bar.

Rebecca Thatch: Works for me.

Alex Richards: See? Becky gets it.

SZR: Really? You're taking this awful well. Much better than I expected. What's the catch?

Alex Richards: I'm here with my brother... my girlfriend and later on tonight the Guardians said they have a surprise for me. Life is good. Even if that fucking piece of shit Wright destroyed my bar.. I will fucking... I'm alright.

Rebecca Thatch: You are so not alright. I can feel the tension in the air.

Alex Richards: Is that a blind chick thing?

Rebecca Thatch: No, it's just an expression.

Alex Richards: Damn I was hoping you could show me how to feel tension. It could have been fun.

Shaun relaxes Alex seemingly having calmed down. Although if you noticed his slightly clenched fist you would be able to tell he's likely faking it. And Rebecca does as she tries to change the subject.. at least a little.

Rebecca Thatch: How about we drink a tribute, Alex?

Alex Richards: You read my mind Becky! And hurt my liver. What a woman!

Shaun meanwhile being Alex's brother decides to rib him just a little. And decides to comment on Rebecca's typical attire, this week a black lace low cut dress.

SZR: You guys do look like a couple. You with the Uncle Fester look and Rebecca looking a little like Morticia Adams.

Alex Richards: Hell yeah we do!

SZR: She is the original Goth after all.

Rebecca Thatch: Hold on a second. I am so not a Goth.

SZR: But you always wear black every time I've seen you.

Rebecca Thatch: Of course I always wear black.. what do you think I see after all?

Alex chuckles

Alex Richards: She's got you there Zach.

SZR: I suppose she does. I'm just relieved you haven't grabbed a baseball bat and..

Shaun stops having said what he didn't want to bring up.

Alex Richards: There is still time.

Rebecca Thatch: Honey, have another drink. Besides the Guardians have a surprise for you soon.

Alex Richards: Alright, I'll wait.

SZR: You're pretty good at that.

Rebecca Thatch: At what?

Shaun doesn't know what to say, not wanting to say something that sets off the obviously tightly wound Alex. Rebecca smiles and saves him.

Rebecca Thatch: At drinking? Of course I am! Years of practice!

Alex Richards: And years more to come!

SZR: Better you than me.

Rebecca Thatch: I don't think he likes boys..

Alex Richards: And if I did it wouldn't be my brother.. you're not pretty enough for me.

SZR: I'm not pretty enough for you? I think I'm insulted.

Alex Richards: I got someone as beautiful as Becky.. why settle for an ugly guy?

SZR: She did.

Alex Richards: You are such an asshole.

Shaun laughs and runs ahead. Alex appears ready to give chase but then his cell phone goes off. He pulls it out of his doctor's bag because Alex's Paul E Dangerously like cell phone clearly does not fit in his pocket. He pulls out the modified ancient device and..

Alex Richards: You're lucky we're meeting the Guardians.

SZR: You wouldn't have caught me anyways. Oww..

And with that Shaun gets rapped upside the head by Rebecca holding the pimp cane she got from Alex.

SZR: How did you know where I was.

Rebecca Thatch: Followed your voice of course. I have a surprise for you Alex..

Rebecca reaches into her purse and pulls out.. a blindfold.

Alex Richards: Interesting..

Alex stumbles down the street aided by his brother. But not particularly well. Rebecca however seems to be enjoying it.

Rebecca Thatch: So what have you learned about your surroundings?

Alex Richards: I learned.. don't walk head first into stop signs.

Rebecca Thatch: No.. I mean about where you are.

Alex Richards: I don't have a clue. We're somewhere at night?

Rebecca Thatch: Use your other senses Alex.

Alex Richards: I smell Chinese food.. Ohhh... the Guardians are meeting up at a Chinese restaurant!

Rebecca Thatch: You do smell Chinese food. But what about the other signs. The changes of elevation on the ground, the difference in speech patterns and dialects from the people surrounding us. The..

Alex Richards: Yeah... you lost me. I'm a drinker not a thinker.

Rebecca Thatch: Don't sell yourself short. Besides.. we're here.

Polar Phantasm: Ohh.. you guys are kinky.

Nightmare: Shut up you. If I have to hear about Alex's sex life I'll blame you and act accordingly.

Alex Richards: I wouldn't do that.. a gentlemen never tells.

Bonnie Blue: You're a gentlemen now?

Alex sounds wounded.

Alex Richards: I am too!

Bonnie Blue: I was just giving you a hard time.

Polar Phantasm: Now would you remove that damned blindfold already. We didn't work so hard on this surprise so you wouldn't see it!

Alex does remove his blindfold and reads the sign on the building he's standing in front of...

Alex Richards: Holy shit!

Polar Phantasm: Named it myself. The Drunken Dragon.

Alex Richards: Couldn't have thought of a better name myself. But what is this?

Bonnie Blue: Obviously.. it's your new bar.

Alex doesn't know what to say. He responds with disbelief.

Alex Richards: My new bar?

Polar Phantasm: We felt bad about what happened with the old one. We know your shit getting wrecked in part of being a Guardian. But that doesn't mean we have to like it. Or we have to just take it. So we went ahead and made you a new one.

Bonnie Blue: Straight in the heart of Chinatown. So you'all know what that means..

Alex Richards: Here a Chinese buffet.. there a Chinese buffet! I can eat Chinese food every day for a month and never eat at the same place!

Rebecca giggles.

Rebecca Thatch: I knew you would like that.

Polar Phantasm: Check out the security system.

Alex looks puzzled. What security system? We're outside..

Nightmare points towards the two track legged robots with glowing eyes that looked straight out of the 80s.

Alex Richards: Killbots? We have killbots!

Rebecca Thatch: I love Killbots.

SZR: How do you love killbots?

Rebecca Thatch: I love horror movies. You can tell for the sound effects and screaming what's happening still. The rest.. is part of your imagination.

Nightmare: That's kind of dark if you think about it... I like her.

Alex Richards: How do they?

Bonnie Blue: They shoot laser beams.. obviously. The more persistent the intruder the more force behind the beam.

Polar Phantasm: The new bar needed a security system because... well it's more than just a bar.

Alex Richards: More than just a bar?

Polar Phantasm: It's our new Chicago headquarters..

Alex Richards: You mean we can bring booze to all our business meeting by walking ten steps? Oh hell yeah!

Bonnie Blue: Knew you would. Now let's go inside.

They do.. they open the door and.. immediately their attention is drawn to the two machines against the far wall of the bar... two needlessly complicated looking machines... one a juke box, the other a karaoke machine.

Alex Richards: I think I'm in love.

Rebecca Thatch: Aww... seriously?

Alex blushes and fortunately for him the Guardians cover.

Bonnie Blue: I wish we didn't have the karaoke machine. But it's quite popular in Chinatown.

SZR: How about we make Alex a deal. He has to warn us before he sings.

Polar Phantasm: Great idea. I knew Alex kept you around for something.

Alex Richards: There are no song lists and you have to type a combination of numbers and letters to play any song. It's like someone read my mind and made exactly the machine I wanted!

Nightmare: That was Tesla. He complained the whole time while making it too. Saying what a waste of his talents it was. I wanted to smack him.

Polar Phantasm: The man's a genius. Don't beat him up.

Nightmare: I wanted to. I didn't say I would.

Bonnie Blue: I reckon an equipment malfunction might be in your future if you did.

SZR: You should look up again.

Alex Richards: Holy Chinese dragons! It's like they are flying up there.. swinging back and forth on guide wires. That's really gonna fuck with me when I'm drunk! I love it! How did you know..

Alex admires the multicolored snake like Chinese dragons in the rafters.. before noticing a familiar space dragon replica..

Alex Richards: Is that?

Nightmare: We put him up there for Bonnie.

Bonnie Blue: I'm touched guys. I sure do miss Grimauld.. the big lug.

Polar Phantasm: Not as much as Omega.

Alex Richards: You can say that again! And look at this!

Alex walks past several tables and towards a large rock with a samurai sword sticking out of it. With the captain.. pull the sword.. free drinks for the night.

Alex Richards: Are serious? This is awesome! How did you guys know I would like this?

Polar Phantasm: We did have a trump card.

Bonnie grins.

Bonnie Blue: I am the daughter of time after all. I just talked to you from later today and asked you what you would like.

Nightmare: If you like those.. you should check by the washrooms..

Alex walks over to the washroom and..

Alex Richards: Cigarette and Cigar vending machines? I haven't seen cigarette vending machines still I was a kid! And these.. have cigars too!

Rebecca Thatch: Aren't those like illegal?

Polar Phantasm: Sanchez's lawlessness is finally paying off for us. At least in a small way. Besides if you really want to see something, hit the button for the “Guardian Special”

Alex does so.. an access code comes up, Polar whispers something to him, he punches it in and.. out comes for finely rolled smoking green.

Nightmare: Shall we break for a moment?

Alex Richards: I may be the best idea you've ever had.

Nightmare thinks of a retort instantly. But then thinks better of it. At least in this time. Meanwhile Polar lights up the joint and the Guardians pass it around. Alex making sure his girlfriend gets a few hits during the process. Shaun, not interested in the weed wanders off and..


SZR: Holy crap.. check out what's behind the bar..

Shaun Zach obviously slipped behind the bar and took a look at the different kinds of alcohol available.

Alex Richards: What is there?

SZR: Everything!

Alex Richards: You only say that because you aren't a big drinker. Let me see..

Alex goes behind the bar and..

Alex Richards: I ain't even heard of half of these. Seriously! Where did you...

Bonnie Blue: C'mon.. no sense in time traveling if you can't show off.

Alex Richards: That has to be the best part.

Polar Phantasm: It isn't. The best part is... under the bar.

Alex Richards: I don't see any shag carpeting.

Nightmare: Yeah, I don't care if you wanted it. That's a no go.

Rebecca Thatch: But it's so soft on the feet.

Nightmare's expression softens.. at least a little.

Nightmare: Okay maybe for you.

Polar Phantasm: No.. the tunnels.

Alex Richards: Tunnels?

Polar Phantasm: The bootlegging tunnels.. underneath the bar.

Alex Richards: There's bootlegging tunnels? You're telling me Al Capone could have been in this very spot. Dude.. you guys out did yourself! This is awesome!

Alex races across the bar giving each and every Guardian there a huge hug.

Alex Richards: Wait.. where's Preecha and Armand anyways?

Polar Phantasm: That's the other best part. They are working on.. well I would hate to spoil the surprise.

Bonnie Blue: We have to go work on that though.

Alex Richards: Alright, let's go! After seeing this.. I'm ready to do this shit!

Nightmare: Nah, we don't need you just yet. Why don't you stay. There's another surprise for you. And.. you have to try out some of those new drinks.

Alex Richards: You guys are the best!


Polar, Nightmare and Bonnie walk out the door of Drunken Dragon after saying their goodbyes, having successfully cheered up their friend and teammate.

Bonnie Blue: We do good work don't we?

Polar Phantasm: The best. We could retire and get into interior design couldn't we?

Nightmare snorts.

Nightmare: We'd be bored out of our skulls.

Bonnie Blue: I reckon someone has to keep the rogue government agents, the mayor, 8-Bit..

Polar Phantasm: And about 4000 other people,little green men, little blue men, any other flavor of aliens.. enemies we don't know about yet.. everything else in check. I was just joking anyways. You think the new bar is gonna get Alex to stay put for awhile?

Bonnie Blue: I hope so. Those arrest warrants Sanchez put out for Alex are no joke.
Nightmare: I've seen those patrol car out searching around.

Bonnie Blue: He's better off drinking in the dragon until we get those dealt with.

Polar Phantasm: Yeah you right. Besides that.. the Archduke has his lady, his bar, and his booze. He's in good hands.

Nightmare: Not they we don't want Alex to get his revenge on Wright.

Bonnie Blue: I'd love that so much..

Polar Phantasm: But he's gonna be smart about it. You know Wright is going to put up roadblocks. Fortunately now since he's in a better mood he'll be smarter about it if he does decide to try.

David Sanchez had already dropped the charges but the Guardians didn't know that. They also didn't know about the bounty Taylor took out on Alex's head. Furthermore they had no clue about what was about to happen when they left the bar and how much worse the situation was going to get. But hindsight is 20/20 and all. Meanwhile Alex is behind the bar looking at the bottles like a kid in a candy store which is a way he is, being a drunk behind the bar. He pulls out a bottle of something with a shout of excitement.

Alex Richards: Johnny Walker Smarragdine Label? Is that even a real color? Where did they find this? Oh I don't care.. we're gonna drink it. C'mon.. bro.. Becky.. shots for all of us!

Rebecca Thatch: What are we in a frat? We're all adults here. We can at least drink doubles.

Alex Richards: And that's why I'm so very fond of you Becky.

SZR: I think she's a bad influence.

Rebecca Thatch: You're right Alex. He is no fun.

SZR: Hey!

Alex Richards: That's the price you pay for talking me out of rooftop M and M tag.

SZR: That was 6 months ago.

Alex Richards: And the fun I could have had still haunts me.

Rebecca Thatch: We could still do that.. the fact I don't know who I'm hitting makes it that much better.

Alex Richards: You're right! But first..

Alex lines up the shots.. err doubles and the trio quickly down them.

SZR: Damn.. that was smooth.

Rebecca Thatch: Makes Johnny Walker blue label taste cheap.

Alex Richards: I'll bet if I mixed this with some red bull I could drink for at least two days straight..

Before Alex can try his new blend there's a knock at the door.

Alex Richards: I could have sworn Polar told me this place wasn't open for business yet.

SZR: It isn't. But we did manage to arrange a special first customer...

The door swings open and former UCI superstar Aurora steps through the doorway with her girlfriend Chelsea Armstrong beside her.

Alex Richards: Blue lady! I missed you!

Alex races over towards the door quickly grabbing Chelsea in a bear hug. The laughing blue haired diva playfully pushes Alex away.

Chelsea Armstrong: I missed you too. But you don't need to break my ribs over it.

Alex Richards: Break ribs? We're going to a BBQ joint?

Aurora: No.. we are. C'mon Rebecca.. you don't want to be there for a Pack reunion.

Rebecca Thatch: I did hear some of the stories. Something about a bull.

Chelsea Armstrong: Hey we got away with it.

Alex Richards: Besides how people can say they knocked out a bull?

Rebecca Thatch: Have fun.

Rebecca gives Alex a kiss on the way out as Aurora does the same with Chelsea. Shaun also leaving with a parting shot.

SZR: Don't get into too much trouble.

Alex Richards: No such thing is too much trouble.

SZR: You'd be surprised..

Chelsea Armstrong: Now if you have a new bar how about pouring a lady a drink?

Alex Richards: I thought you'd never ask!

Alex goes behind the bar looking for something interesting.. finally pulling out a bottle of some blue liquor.

Chelsea Armstrong: What is that?

Alex Richards: I don't know. It's from the future or something like that. Bonnie found it.

Chelsea Armstrong: Well it's not going to drink itself.

Alex gets out the glasses..

Chelsea Armstrong: I know you better than that. Get the boots!

Alex grins and pulls out a pair of his finest drinking boots. He fills them up and hands one to Chelsea.. they each take a big gulp and..

Chelsea Armstrong: Oh.. that's terrible.

Alex Richards: Awful.

Chelsea Armstrong: The bottle isn't gonna finish itself though.

Alex Richards: I missed you.

Chelsea Armstrong: Me too. But I see you're doing good for yourself. You have the Drunken Dragon..

Chelsea smiles slightly.

Chelsea Armstrong: You have a new lady. I don't recall you having too many girlfriends back when he hung out more.

Alex smiles, both proudly and slightly possessively.

Alex Richards: What do you think of her?

Chelsea Armstrong: Well if I didn't approve.. Aurora wouldn't be hanging out with her, I would have met up with her myself.. in a private place and..

Alex Richards: BLUE LADY!

Chelsea Armstrong: I'm joking I don't do that..

Alex laughs.

Alex Richards: I believe that as much as I believe Steeltoe Joe is a better People's champion then you. (OOC- This is IC, I'm not actually taking a shot at Joe, dude doesn't deserve it. )

Chelsea Armstrong: Well don't tell anyone. Girl has to have her secrets. Besides.. I like Rebecca. At least from what I've seen of you two on television so far. Oh, don't look so shocked Alex.. you think I wouldn't be interested in what my old pack mate was doing?

Alex smiles, obviously happy his old mentor has been keeping up on his progress.

Alex Richards: Any advice for me?

Chelsea Armstrong: It's like I always tell Aurora.. win the world championship.. women love gold belts. Wait..were you asking my advice on your relationship or your number one contendership match this week?

Alex Richards: Which one do you think I need help with?

Chelsea Armstrong: Neither! You got this Alex!

Alex Richards: Fucking A I do Blue lady! You know my opponent this week Andre Holmes is mad.. mad at the time. And when I think of him I sort of know how he feels. Because he makes me mad too! You remember the last time we fought, right?

Chelsea Armstrong: I do recall watching on television. You won.

Alex Richards: I remember that. But what I really remember was before the match. When he was raging about how he was facing someone who wasn't in his league. Someone who he out classed. Okay, maybe he out classes me. I'm not very classy. But he doesn't outclass me in the ring that's for damn sure! He spent the better part of an hour raging about how badly he was going to hurt me. How easy it was going to be for him. And how did he prepare to fight me? From the best I saw he didn't. He spent some time with his ex wife, probably spent some time with his pregnant girlfriend. Came into the match poorly prepared and to the shock of probably himself but no one else he found the match ending with the Archduke's hand being raised.

Chelsea Armstrong: You shouldn't count on that happening again though.

Alex Richards: That's why I'm so mad! Our first match he took me lightly and spent the week hanging out with women. So he learned from that, right? Fuck no he didn't learn from it! Last week, I competed in a one night, eight person tournament because fighting the best the UCI was to offer is the best way to prepare for a title shot! You get in the match with three people in one night what one man is going to get the best of you the next week? Certainly not Andre Holmes that's for sure! He wasn't even invited to compete in the tournament. I made the finals of it, gave David Sanchez all he could handle, and you know.. if I would have been lucky enough to be scheduled in the first semi finals instead of the second maybe I would have had the time to recover and I would have won that 100k.

Alex pours another couple of drinks for himself and Chelsea then continues, working himself up a considerable bit.

Alex Richards: So you would think things would be different this time, right? You would think I would get some fucking respect from Andre, right? You would think he would at least treat me like a fucking threat because a world title shot is on the line. But what does Andre do instead? He spends the whole fucking thing flirting on twitter with the new girl in town Eliza Dresden on twitter. Yeah.. that's how you fucking spend your time going into a world title match... you fucking moron!

Chelsea Armstrong: You know.. I always liked angry Alex. Although that might have been because I was never the one who incurred his wrath and was about to get slaughtered.

Alex Richards: Andre Holmes already got it once. But apparently he decided to take the not so smart path and blame the fact I beat him on a distraction from Erin Fausse. So now he's allowing Eliza Dresden to distract him from the re match. Seems smart to me! If he was thinking things through more though he would have remembered I didn't beat him on a fluke roll up. I didn't beat him because Fausse attacked him. I knocked him flat with my sanity slip. Sure, Erin distracted him, but I was the one who finished him off. And Erin, or no Erin he wasn't kicking out from the sanity slip. And it wasn't even my normal version of the Slip off the top rope. If he didn't kick out of the lesser impact version do you like his odds against the real Sanity Slip?

Chelsea Armstrong: Are they as good as the odds of a buffet turning a profit once you step through the door?

Alex Richards: He wishes they were that good! I earned this chance by winning match after match after match! Ask Wade Moor if I deserve this match! Ask the current television champion Chase Jackson if I deserve this match. Taylor Wright... ask that asshole if I deserve.. ah fuck it by the time you get to him I will have gotten to him first. Seven of the last eight times I stepped into a UCI ring I won! Can Andre Holmes say the same? Andre Holmes had a great match against Erin Fausse don't get me wrong. I enjoyed watching him shut that scammer up. But does he have the same claim to a title shot that I do? I don't fucking think so!

Chelsea Armstrong: Please, he turned one good performance into an undeserved chance at a title. You have had a lifetime of good performances.

Alex Richards: Exactly! And this guy says... he doesn't... respect me? Dude.. did you beat legendary wrestlers like Oblivion, Bobby Cairo, Logan, Steve Orbit? Wrestlers known around the world, some for different reasons then others. I'm coming into this match wanting my shot at the world title, knowing that I can defeat the world champion, Howard Black. Andre Holmes is coming into this match knowing that he's a one trick pony who's impressive visual of how he destroyed Fausse got him this title shot. That he's already lost to the world champion Howard Black. Why is Andre Holmes fighting anyways? Because he's mad?

Alex looks resolute.

Alex Richards: I'm doing this for the late Pack. The group that no one thought would ever amount to anything. Well what happened to all the people who said that exactly?

Chelsea Armstrong: You can't even find them in that other fed anymore.

Alex Richards: And I'm still here.. still fighting! Well I'm winning this match and then the world title for the Pack... for Pantheon.. for the Guardians... for everyone who ever believed in me! Jay Omega was supposed to be the first world champion. He was supposed to be the first member of the Guardians to win the championship. Well Jay Omega isn't here.. he's off to save another world. So that leaves it up to me to capture the crown. And unlike Andre Holmes.. I have big plans. Mine don't involve hitting on girl number three. Then might involve a night of celebrating with Becky after I win the title though. Okay, they might even involve closing down Disney World for the day so we can ride the rides with no lines while hammered all day long. I'm going to win this number one contender's match against Holmes, win the world title against Howard Black, then re name the championship the Universal Championship in honor of the Guardians. Because unlike that shitty inferior fed you can watch on television on that awful USA network I would actually actually be a Universal Championship. Because us Guardians, we don't just rep Chicago, we don't just rep the United States, we don't even just rep planet Earth, we are the champions of everything! I got in a dog fight in outer space.. how the fuck I am not beating Andre Holmes? Anyone have a good answer to that? Anyone? Anyone? Didn't fucking think so! So if Andre wants to underrate me, if he wants to downplay how good I am... not only will I make him eat his words.. I'll take that whole book and it shove it straight up his ass!

Chelsea Armstrong: You really are that angry.

Alex Richards: And another thing... fuck Taylor Wright too! Fuck that stupid fucking mother fucking fucker. That fucker couldn't get the job done the first time we fought, the second time we fought... anything we fought. So he had to go and destroy my bar.. the Sloshed Pit. That would have been bad enough. But then he had to spread a rumor I was the fucking one who destroyed it.

Chelsea Armstrong: Nobody who knows you would have believed that. Although you did destroy your own van after you received the Strange Rover.

Alex Richards: That was a Viking funeral! That's different. Not only did Wright destroy my bar.. then he tried to have me arrested for it! And now.. now I hear he's putting out a bounty on me.

Chelsea Armstrong: You know.. I have a way around it. If you're looking for a little revenge.

Alex Richards: Fuck yeah I am Blue lady!

Chelsea Armstrong: I thought so. I knew you could use my help.

Alex Richards: If he was man enough to defeat me, if he were man enough to beat me down and destroy my bar, that would be one thing. But he failed at winning the bar. He waited, like a coward until the bar closed down and no one was around and torched it. Then he tried to have me arrested, and put out a bounty on me so he wouldn't have to answer for it!

Chelsea Armstrong: Oh, he'll answer for it.

Alex Richards: How? I hear a half dozen men are surrounding him waiting for me to attack.

Chelsea Armstrong: Well that's easy.

Chelsea reaches into the pocket of her coat and pulls out... a cell phone.

Alex Richards: What's are you going to do with your cell phone?

Chelsea Armstrong: Do you have a better plan?

Alex Richards: Find Taylor Wright... murder Taylor Wright.. have a sandwich and a boot of Zim-Quila.

Chelsea Armstrong: Your plan needs work. Besides it's not my cell phone. I lifted it from Derrin. It's easy to steal from junkies. They hardly notice you're there..

Alex Richards: Wait.. you stole Wright's girlfriends cell phone... before you came to visit me.

Chelsea Armstrong: Of course. I knew you were going to want revenge.

Alex Richards: Your plan isn't hurting her is it? I mean she is dumb enough to date Wright. But going after her to get to Wright is cowardly.

Chelsea Armstrong: Now if it were up to me.. I might have taken her out.. and then waited for Taylor to discover what I did.. then do the same to him. But I didn't figure you would like that. So instead.. I'll play on his maleness and..

Chelsea takes out the phone and opens up a conversation between Taylor and Derrin. She sends him a message. “I have a present for you. Maybe the three of us can have some fun later. If she likes you winky face.

Alex Richards: This isn't going to work.

Chelsea Armstrong: Of course it will work...

Chelsea continues typing.. I'm getting the coke.. you bring the girl back to our place. Meet her at 1247 Oak Park Avenue. And lose those scummy bounty hunters. They creep a woman out.

Alex Richards: He's going to know something is up.

Chelsea Armstrong: That's why I have to make sure he's not thinking with his head..

Chelsea types.. I'm not wearing anything and I'm waiting for the both of you multiple heart emogies.

Alex Richards: Well?

Chelsea smiles a sadistic grin.

Chelsea Armstrong: I have a meeting in ten minutes.


Courtesy YouTube, The Search For A Contender Entry #2

A middle aged man who appears to be attired in a cross between a biker and a lame rapper, think Vanilla Ice, appears on the scene wearing what appears to be an alarm clock around his neck.

Man: Yo.. check it! My name is Rime! And I'm the dopiest rapper out of Colorado! I'm here to win the number one contender's match and then the world title because if I'm the world champion you can't ever get rid of me! Andre Holmes.. I'm just gonna do the big dirty and dust ya because Grime is here to stay.. and if I lose.. I'll be back.. maybe as some character from 80s movie Airplane next time. Rime.. out... dawg!

The fact that Chelsea chose a public park for their meeting probably did much to relieve Taylor Wright's suspicion. He still looks around at the crowded park.. turning his head first out way and then the other perhaps looking for Alex Richards. However when he sees Chelsea wearing a very revealing blouse and a very tight skirt he seems to forget about Alex at least for a second.

Mr. Wright: I do hope you're the lovely lady Derrin sent to see me. I am Taylor Wright... but you probably already know that. The minister of Urban Relations for the honorable mayor David Sanchez's cabinet.

Chelsea Armstrong: Oh, I have heard of you.

Mr. Wright: And who might you be?

Chelsea Armstrong: Chelsea.. Williams.

Mr. Wright: I could have sworn I'll seen you somewhere before though.

Chelsea Armstrong: I guess I just have one of those faces.

Taylor leers at Chelsea.

Mr. Wright: We are going to do unspeakable things to you tonight.

Chelsea Armstrong: How right you are.

Mr. Wright: I am the leader of Team Wright Stuff.

Chelsea Armstrong: You know.. you aren't half the man Ice Beckman was. You aren't even half the man Seifer is.

Taylor thinks for a moment.. and suddenly realizes who the women is front of him is.

Mr. Wright: Oh... shit.

Taylor doesn't have a chance to think anything else as the world suddenly explodes around him knocking him to the ground. Chelsea casually walks away as Taylor gets to his feet. She hails Alex as he sprints past her towards Wright.

Chelsea Armstrong: Have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do..

Alex Richards: Oh, I intend to.

Chelsea quickly disappears off into the wooded area of the park. Vanishing from view in a hurry. Meanwhile..

Mr. Wright: You threw a bomb at me you psycho!

Alex ducks Taylor with a roundhouse left before curb stomping him into the grass several times.

Alex Richards: That was no bomb! It was just a little Molotov cocktail. Don't be such a baby. They never hurt nobody... they can't even get you drunk. Besides I did to prove a point. That explosion was caused by my favorite liquid.. alcohol! The fire in my bar.. no alcohol caused that.. it was gasoline!

Alex mounts Taylor and unloads on him with a head butt straight to the nose.

Alex Richards: Did I break it again? I really hope so.

Alex throws a couple of punches as he continues trash talking.

Alex Richards: Don't worry though.. I'll get the truth out about what happened to my bar. One way or another. Using the best part of every bar of course.

Alex gets up and goes for his trademark doctor's bag and pulls out a bottle of alcohol... which he then drills Taylor in the head with before dousing his clothes with it.

Alex Richards: Bacardi 151.. you know how flammable this is.. Well.. you will.

Alex sits down on Taylor's face using the rarely seen Richards Suffocatonator. He then grabs his always present doctor's bag and goes inside for.. a cigar.

Alex Richards: I feel like a smoke. Do you feel like a smoke Taylor? Now I could go smoke elsewhere. But first I'm gonna need names. Names of everyone involved in destroying my bar. See.. I know you weren't the only one. And it ain't fair for you to be the only one who has to pay for it. So either you start talking or I burn Sanchez in effigy with you as the proxy. That's right.. I learned big words for this threat. So what do you say?

Alex doesn't get out another word as 8 uniformed police officers tackle him to the ground knocking him off of Wright. The officers quickly cuff the furious Archduke of Mass Confusion. Things are looking bad for Richards but they are about to get worse as a black, unmarked sedan pulls up and two more police officers get out. One heavy set, out of shape stereotypical looking cop with a muschase. The other man has a buzz cut, red eyes and a demeanor of authority about him.

Cop 1: I am Sergeant Richard Leary. This is my partner Officer Springer. We are from the honorable Mayor David Sanchez's special division. We'll take this from here. The mayor has big plans for this maggot.

Cop: But we have already him on charges of..

The sergeant turns his furious red eyes on the other police officers who quickly back off.

Sgt. Leary: Are you questioning me? Because that's like questioning the mayor. And you don't want to do that.

Cop: He's yours.

Sgt. Leary: Of course he is. Springer.. get our prisoner.

Office Springer takes the cuffed Alex from the officers until Mr. Wright stops them.

Wright: Wait just a minute.

Taylor, a little blood dripping from his face looks at Alex with an expression of malice.. he rears back and boots Alex directly in the groin.

Wright: Now you can take him away.

The two special unit cops quickly shove Alex into the back of their car, get inside and start to drive.

Alex Richards: Hey, I've been arrested before. Don't you have to read me my rights?

Springer begins to laugh until a look from Leary silences him.

Sgt. Leary: You think a scumbag like you has rights in Mayor Sanchez's Chicago. Your only rights are what we allow you.

Alex Richards: I'll bet you scare a lot of people. But not me. I'm only scared when I run out of alcohol. And you can always find that in prison.

Sgt. Leary: You're too stupid to know how much shit you are in.

Alex Richards: You're too stupid to know you might as well pull the car over and let me out. Because I have a world title match to earn and there's no way you guys are gonna stop me.

Officer Springer: That's a good one.

Sgt. Leary: Shut up Springer.

Alex Richards: There is only one way I don't win this week's match and earn myself a world title shot and that's if I don't make it. I'll bet that's part of Scamchez's plan. He's jealous that myself, on behalf of the Guardians is going to be the next world champion. Has David ever won the world title? I don't fucking think so. So he figures me winning the world title would make him and his syndicate look bad. Which of course motivates me even more. I already wanted to win the world title but winning the world title and making the mayor look bad to boot? That's just an added perk.

Sgt. Leary: You ain't getting out.. idiot... ever. Don't you get it?

Alex Richards: You haven't ever tried to make Alex Richards do something he doesn't want to do have you? Taylor Wright.. took out a bounty on me to try and stop me from getting my revenge. It failed! Alex Richards does what Alex Richards wants. And right now, having got my revenge, I want to see my girl, drink in my bar with my friends, the Guardians. And win the number one contender's match. And you guys have just as good a chance of stopping me from doing that as Andre Holmes does. Even if you do have scary eyes you ain't gonna stop me from achieving my goals.

Officer Springer: So you admit to planning, and then assaulting Wright.

Sgt. Leary: Who gives a fuck Springer. An assault and maybe an attempted murder charge for what he did isn't that severe in Mayor Sanchez's Chicago. Some people need killing. Maybe you Alex.

Alex Richards: Does that normally scare people? You're gonna have to try harder. But in the end you're going to realize that all your threats don't mean shit if you can't back them up. Kind of like Andre Holmes who is gonna, and already has threatened me in the past. But last time he couldn't back up his threats so what makes him think it's gonna work out better for him this week?

Sgt. Leary: STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT YOUR FUCKING WRESTLING MATCH YOU ARE NEVER GONNA FUCKING MAKE IT TO!

Alex Richards: Oh, I'll make it. And I'm going to win too.

Officer Springer: You aren't gonna ever make it out of jail with these charges.

Sgt. Leary: Shut up Springer!

Alex Richards: What are you charging me with anyways.

Sgt. Leary: Nothing yet. The Mayor is just gonna have you locked up. You're a fucking nuisance to his regime. Or you were. You won't be any longer. Maybe he'll charge you at some point. We have options. Running an unlicensed bar.

Alex Richards: My bar has all the proper permits. My brother Zach takes care of that.

Officer Springer: He didn't get em from the mayor.

Richard gives his partner a withering look.

Officer Springer: I know.. I know.. shut up.

Sgt. Leary: Out of all the options he was the best choice.. for fucks sake. Assault and attempted murder for what you did to Wright. More importantly vandalism of the mayor's property for attacking Taylor. That's a much more serious charge. A minimum of 40 counts of attempting to organize religion. That's a form of treason. You know how they deal with treason don't you?

Officer Springer: They kill ya!

Sgt. Leary: Wish I could kill you. And most seriously conspiracy to commit regicide for talks about overthrowing our great mayor.

Alex Richards: Regicide? The fuck is that?

Officer Springer: Killing a king.

Alex snorts.

Alex Richards: He's no fucking king.

Sgt. Leary: You need to learn respect. Our esteemed mayor is practically the king of Chicago. You would have been advised to learn that easily. Now it's too late for you.

Alex Richards: It's never too late. People have always been telling me it's too late. You would think they would have realized that I'm always proving people wrong by now. I mean people took one look at me and said I was never going to amount to anything. They saw I was in prison, they saw I was in institutions, they saw a dangerous man who would probably die young, die alone, and die having never done anything with their life. They thought I was gonna die pointlessly. But I proved them wrong. I own a successful, well sort of successful business that brings joy to people every night. When you went to the Sloshed Pit, you didn't just have a drink, you had a memorable adventure. And a drink.. or ten. It was still a bar. And now the Drunken Dragon is gonna make the Sloshed Pit seem like the mayor's office in comparison. You know how I got the Dragon? My friends, The Guardians, made it happen. I had friends that made it happen for me! I had friends that good, that loyal, they would create a bar to cheer me up. That angry, dangerous guy.. the Guardians wouldn't have helped him. The Guardians would have worked to destroy him. I went from a man the Guardians, the mightiest group on planet Earth, would have destroyed, to someone they call a friend and teammate. That's my will. I changed myself from someone totally unlikable to someone who's a member of the defenders of earth, someone who thousands of people in Chicago come to see every week. If I can do that.. what's winning a match this week? What's escaping from jail? It's child play. Andre Holmes doesn't have the will to defeat me. And you guys don't have the will to keep me in jail. ARRRRRR

Just then Officer Springer reached through the grid separating the front side from the back and tased Alex. Leaving Sergeant Richard Leary laughing.

Sgt. Leary: You finally did something I approve of, Springer.

Courtesy YouTube, The Search For A Contender Entry #3

Steven Osbourne, friend of Alex Richards and Jay Omega, enemy to 90 percent of the women in the world struts his stuff on camera wearing a pink You Want You Want It t shirt with an arrow pointing down to his junk. The man seems rather chipper considering his friend is in jail but Osbourne is kind of a jerk after all.

Steven Osbourne: I'm here to steal Alex Richard's title shot shot because the UCI gets more high profile TV spots then the fed I'm champion of. More TV, more women see me. What means more women want me. Which means more sex for me. More sex for me means a happier super sexy boogeyman slayer. A happier super sexy boogeyman slayer means more satisfied women. More satisfied women means I get laid more. So obviously you should choose me to replace Alex Richards.

Steven holds up what appears to be a swimmer's cap.

Steven Osbourne: I mean.. I'm already gonna replace Alex later tonight in the bedroom using this bald cap to fool his chick. Sneaky sex is the best kind of sex. I never hooked up with a blind chick before.. this week.

Steven laughs.

Steven Osbourne: I'm just messing with you Alex. I wouldn't hook up with your lady. I don't want to die today after all. I'm not stealing your number one contender's match either. Although I could beat Andre Holmes. I mean, you handled him without that much trouble last time and there wasn't even anything on the line for you. This time.. with a title shot on the line. Yeah, Andre Holmes better hope you don't get out of prison and he wins by forfeit. Because that's the only way he's possibly winning. When you get out of jail, win the number one contendership, then win the world championship, can you at least do me a solid Alex and let me hold the belt and tell chicks it's mine?

The two “police officers” if you can even call them that drag Alex out of the car and straight into a large holding cell with about 20 other prisoners already inside.

Sgt. Leary: This should hold you for now Richards until your permanent arrangements can be made. And I do mean permanent.

Richard Leary laughs at his own bad joke.

Alex Richards: You really think this is gonna hold me Dick. You're an even bigger dick then I thought.

Leary slams Alex against the bars as his partner Springer opens the cell and they push the massive archduke inside. The men already inside the cell size up the newcomer. They quickly decide the massive, bald headed, tattooed wrecking ball of a man just pushed into the cell is not worth the risk. They ignore Alex, leaving him alone. Except for one man in a red bandana. He walks right over to Alex and gets right up in his face.. the two men star and each other... Alex breaks the silence first..

Alex Richards: Rico! Where you been?

The large man, almost as large as Alex breaks into into a toothy grin, at least as many teeth as he has.

Rico: Where you think, stupid? Me and my boys.. we needed a little money.. so we decided a little robbery was in order. But it didn't work out so well.

Rico's boys.. a group of about 7 or so men also wearing red bandanas chuckle.

Alex Richards: I was wondering why I hadn't seen you lately at the Sloshed Pit.

Rico: I heard that place got torched. A fucking shame.

Alex Richards: I got a new place though. And when you guys get out of here, drinks are on the house. For your whole crew.

Rico: What's the cost?

Alex Richards: I have a big match this weekend, a match for a world title chance. I'm not missing my chance. So that means I gotta break out of here.

Rico: What are you doing in there anyways?

Alex Richards: Tried for a little payback on the guy who burned my baby. I gave that Taylor Wright punk a beating but then Mayor Sanchez's thugs showed up and arrested me. Put me under the jail.

Rico: Ohh... that's rough. They probably want you to snitch on the rest of the Guardians.

Alex Richards: That ain't likely. I wouldn't do that to my friends. Besides I have a match this weekend, I'm not going to be in here near as long as they expect.

Rico: Why does this match mean so much to you anyways?

Alex Richards: I have to teach my opponent this week, a lesson. A lesson in respect.

Rico: Yeah.. I feel ya.. respect is a big thing in my world too.

Alex Richards: Andre Holmes doesn't seem to have much respect for me. That's alright though. If you want to face me in a match and not give me the proper amount of respect I'll either beat it into you, or just beat you into unconsciousness. Either way is fine by me. Although I would have thought he would have more respect after I already beat him once. But if you wanna be dumb you are gonna have to pay the price. But..

Alex's voice takes on a hard edge.

Alex Richards: I'm not talking about the lack of respect he has for me. I can easily do something about that. And I will be leaving him scrambling for answers as to why he lost to me for a second time. Why he isn't the number one contender. But you know.. this Andre Holmes.. he reminds me of a friend of mine, one Steven Osbourne. People wonder why I'm always screwing with Stevie.. is it because it's funny.. cause it is. But that's not why. I don't like the fact he doesn't seem to respect women. Unfortunately my opponent this week Andre doesn't seem to respect women either. See, I don't like that. You know.. I was single.. for a long long time.

Rico: Yeah, I know. The last time you had a girlfriend wasn't George Bush in office? And I'm talking George Bush, Senior!

Rico laughs. Alex doesn't seem amused.

Alex Richards: Dude! Not cool. And not true. I mean I don't think so. A few of those years are kind of a blur...

Alex is suddenly lost in thought... probably remembering one of his past adventures. He snaps out of it and continues his train of thought. Which he is surprisingly good at it. Probably from years and years of practice.

Alex Richards: You know what you see when you're single. You see these guys, these douche bags treating women like crap. And women dating these jerks who continue to act like jerks. Because why wouldn't they? Being a jerk works for them now don't it? Now sure.. I'm strange, I'm odd, I'm off kilter. But could you imagine me doing my girlfriend Becky dirty? At least not on purpose. I did start a mud ball fight with her last week. You know blind chicks have a lot better aim then you would think. But back to my real point, am I gonna take her for granted? Chase other women? Deliberately hurt her? I might like a good joke, a bad joke, and a poorly thought out prank but being cruel to my lady that ain't gonna happen.

Alex looks around, as if plotting something before he continues.

Alex Richards: Take for instance my day tonight. I was hanging out with the Blue Lady... alone.. at my new bar. You think for one second either of us thought of doing something? Of cheating on our partners? For one second? Hell no! Chelsea wouldn't do to Aurora. I wouldn't do that to Becky! But Andre if he was there... would he have flirted with Chelsea? I know he would have because whether he's in a relationship or they are.. he doesn't think about that. He only thinks about the next 60 seconds.

Alex shakes his head.

Alex Richards: But if he was single I wouldn't have a problem with it. My buddy Steven, I might bust his balls but in the end he's honest about what he wants.. one night. But then there's Andre Holmes, gets married, gets divorced, gets a new girl, gets her pregnant, gets back with the ex wife, hooks up with her, and now he's flirting with a new girl on twitter! You think that's fair to any of those women? You think that's respectful to any of them. Now you disrespect me.. I'll hurt you for it. But those women.. they aren't gonna be able to get payback on him. And obviously Andre has no intention of stopping. Shit, last week he told his girlfriend the truth and you know what she's thinking right? She's thinking.. I'm fucked aren't I? I have Andre's child and now I'm going to be a single mom. Now I'm going to have to raise that child by myself. I'm not saying Andre is a deadbeat dad. Hell, if anyone knows those it's me. Considering my family situation. But Andre is a pro wrestler, and that means you spend a lot of time away from your kids, especially if you ain't with their mother.

Rico: I ain't seen my kids in months. Damn restraining orders.

Alex Richards: I told you to stop pulling knives on people. So back to my story. Andre goes from one girl to the next to the next back to a previous one and then.. Does he think that's fair to anyone of them? Two weeks ago Andre broke up with his girlfriend, crushed her dreams and was awarded with a vicious win over Erin Fausse at Beachmania and then received a number one contender's match. I want to make him think about what he's doing. And he's not going to do that while celebrating earning a world title shot. I'm going to make him appreciate what he has. By forcing him to look at himself. You don't do that when you're winning. You think everything is good. So I gotta beat him. I gotta take that title shot away from him. I gotta get out of here to do that.

A man wearing a black bandanna walks up smirking.

Man: What a pussy you are. You like women? I fucking mug women.

Alex Richards: Glad to hear that.

Rico: That don't sound much like you.

Alex Richards: I didn't tell you my plan..

Alex lowers his voice so only Rico can hear it.

Alex Richards: See it involves starting a little riot in there. I'll start the fight.. and you and your boys join in.

Rico: I don't know how this is gonna get you out. You know they are gonna be watching for you.

Alex Richards: Leave that up to me. All I want is your boys to go after those boys.

Alex point towards the friends of the sketchy guy who likes to mug people, who are also all wearing black bandanas.

Rico: Shit... we was gonna do that anyways at some point. I see those guys eyeball fucking me. They gotta learn you don't do that...

Alex walks over and taps the black bandanaed leader on the shoulder.

Alex Richards: Excuse me sir.. i couldn't help but notice you are wearing work boots. So I figured I would beat your ass steal those and drink from them.

The man looks confused.

Man: I'm not wearing work boot. The hell is wrong with you you Plan 9 from Outer Space reject looking motherfucker.

Alex Richards: No boots and no taste in television. I look like Uncle.. Fucking.. Fester! Guess you're no good to me so..

Alex proceeds to elbow the man in the face then push him away into the sea of red bandannas who promptly jump him. His boys join in to help. Most of the other people in the cell seeing their chance to settle a score with someone else who has angered them in the cramped quarters burst out in fighting as well. Leaving Alex to slip away in the direction of the toilet.

Alex Richards: This is usually where they store the hooch in a jail cell..

Alex reaches behind the bowl and pulls out.. a Ziploc baggie filled with a foul looking rotten orange colored beverage. And suddenly we cut away. The Prison Cooking Channel logo is in the corner of the screen. There is a large counter top and Alex Richards is behind it wearing a white chef's uniform and white chef's hat. Probably stolen from the set of one of Gordon Ramsey's cooking competition shows.

Alex Richards: Welcome to the prison cooking network. We do prison grade food for prison grade people. I'm the Archduke of Mass Confusion Alex Richards filling in for Chef Atticus Rex who was in for tax evasion and is now in the infirmary for telling the head chef his food was pure rubbish. Pro tip in prison. At least wait until the chef sets the knife down to say that. I'm not gonna claim to be a great chef but there was one thing I learned how to make in prison. Jump! Jack! Hooch! Or my personal favorite name.. pruno! So named because they used to make it out of prunes. But I'm not somebody's great granddaddy so we won't be doing that!

Alex reaches under the counter and pulls out.. a Ziploc bag.

Alex Richards: I'm going to use a Ziploc bag. Because it's easier to see what's inside. But you can use any bag you find. A trash bag, a plastic bag. It's pruno.. it don't have to be fancy! Tonight we're making Alex's favorite blend of Orange Jack!

Alex grins at the memory of it..

Alex Richards: Now the good thing about orange jack is... it gets you smashed if you drink enough of it. Orange Jack is useful in a lot of places. For example if you're in prison, if you happen to end up in one of those God forsaken dry counties, if you don't have any money to buy booze, if you're underage. Don't judge me. Hey, this is the prison cooking channel. If you don't break the law you wouldn't be watching this.

Alex Richards: Now the secret to a good jack is drinking a lot of it. You will get respect from other inmates if you can finish three or four bags of the stuff without passing out. But I'll bet you're wondering how do you make it?

Alex leans in close to the camera as if he's telling a big secret.

Alex Richards: I like Orange Jack because it's the easiest prison brew to make. If you're spending all your time trying not to get shanked it's best not to think about the little things. First thing you want to do is steal yourself three cans of orange juice... you could use oranges but you know that just feels too healthy for me. Since you already got your fruit you need sugar. A fuckton of sugar. You're gonna be drinking fermented o.j. Do you want sour fermented o.j.? Didn't think so. Steal as many sugar packets as you can. I mean like 2 or 3 cups of sugar worth. Steal a bunch of them ketch up packets too. Throw it in there. We aren't fancy.. this is prison jack.

By now we have seen Alex mix those three items together.

Alex Richards: Now if you want to make a good jack you need two more items. The first is tap water. Add some water. I suggest using the least rusty tap you can find in prison. But it's prison so what you gonna do? Find yourself 3 dinner rolls. Those provide the yeast for the recipe. Don't worry with those stale dinner rolls usually are you would rather drink em then eat em always.

Alex seals up the bag.

Alex Richards: Now you hide this in your cell, your closet where ever. You don't want to get caught because you gotta go to the hole.. while sober. And no one wants to do that! It takes five days for it to be ready. Every night after lights out check the bag. If it's all bloated up like me after a good night at the buffet open up the bag and let the gas out. Which I also do after a buffet. Strain the brew to get rid of the moldy bread.. unless you like it then more power to you. Bon Appetite.. and snitches get stitches so tell no one what I told you...
The Cooking show ends and we flash back to Alex reaching behind the toilet and pulling out his baggie filled with the now familiar liquid.

Alex Richards: Ohh... orange jack! This juice takes me back I'll take you what. Orange juice, bread, as much sugar as you can find... Tastes like warmed over death, gets you smashed. Makes me disappear... what more could you want?

Alex takes a big gulp from the bag.. then a second big gulp. He finally dumps the rest of the homemade booze on his head quickly turning himself invisible and female. Meanwhile the alarm goes off and police rush the cell with the intention of quelling the riot. Our two antiheroes, Officer Springer and Sergeant Leary follow with the military looking cop screaming profanity.

Sgt. Leary: Don't open that fucking cell! That's what he wants you fucking idiots!

Springer pants trying and failing to keep up as meanwhile the fight continues inside the cell as officials unlock and open the door. Meanwhile an inmate stumbles near the door as if someone bumped into them. Sergeant Leary fights his way to the front and launches a canister of tear gas into the cell!

Sgt Leary: This is why I fucking love working for Sanchez! You can fucking do anything you want to!

The inmates cough, hack and cry. The riot having been taken care of as quickly as it started. The tear gas having done it's trick Alex Richards stumbles down the hall. Now visible, choking, sputtering, and staggering his way to freedom. Half blind he would have escaped if he didn't crash directly into Officer Springer bringing down men down in a heap.

Sgt. Leary: Good work Springer.. ya fat heap of shit.

Officer Springer: Hey! Names hurt.

Sgt. Leary: I was talking to Richards!

Alex Richards: I told you you couldn't keep me here...

Sergeant Richard Leary plants his billy club right to the temple of Richards... again and again until he loses consciousness.. and wakes up in time to see...

Courtesy YouTube The Search For A Contender Entry #4

The heavy set Chris Farley with a muschase looking police officer raps on the bars of the single cell he is standing in front of.

Officer Springer: I used to want to be a rassler when I was a kid. People laughed at me. They said the rasslers were gonna beat me up. So I got myself a gun and became a cop. People don't laugh at me anymore. Well except for that guy Leary. He's a giant prick I tell you what. But then I hear about this search for a replacement for Alex Richards... on YouTube and I think to myself. Who deserves to replace Alex Richards in the number one contender's match more than me. I'm holding him in there here cell as we speak.

The Officer turns his camera towards the cell where Alex Richards is pacing back and forth.

Alex Richards: What the hell is that shit?

Officer Springer: The search for a contender. It's been going on all day. People are making videos on YouTube saying why they are worthy to replace you for the world title number one contender's match this Sunday.

Alex Richards: Seems like a waste of time to me. I wouldn't bother making a video. Considering even you know you aren't gonna be able to stop me from breaking out, right?

Officer Springer: We stopped you so far. And now you're in a private cell until we get you to the jail... with more guards.. more restrictions. And they know about you.. they will be watching you..

Alex shrugs.

Alex Richards: I have until Sunday.. I will be out before then. If they are anything like you guys.. It'll be more of a challenge winning the match then it is escaping. To be fair Holmes is tough.. you guys only have the numbers and weapon advantage going for you.

Officer Springer: Why is this so important to you? It's just one match.

Alex Richards: It's not just one match. It's one match that could earn me a world title shot. You know what happened in my old federation? I fought the world champion, Bobby Cairo in a non title match. I defeated him. I did it clearly, in the middle of the ring, all by myself. How many chances did I get at his title? Absolutely none. You've probably heard of a wrestler named Dune. Refereed the main event of the UCI's last pay per view, Beachmania. Former world champion. Well I beat Dune. I didn't beat Dune once.. I didn't beat Dune twice.. I beat Dune three times. Then we fought again in the semi finals of a tournament and he won. All credit to him, no excuses he beat me. But you would think three wins would have at least gotten me a chance at him when he won the world title, wouldn't you? Here's the thing. No one wants to give me the opportunity. If I miss this match I might never get another title chance. That's why you guys aren't going to be able to stop me. That's why Andre Holmes isn't going to be able to stop me. That's why 8 man carrying anti matter cannons wouldn't be able to stop me! I'm treating this like my one chance. Because it is my one chance. It could be my only chance. And I will fight like that. If I only get one chance ever to earn a world title shot I'm okay with that. Because I will not fail. Mayor Sanchez, Andre Holmes, the entire city of Chicago.. they aren't going to be able to deny me.

Sergeant Richard Leary walks into the room a sneer on his face, his gun drawn.

Sgt. Leary: You're out of chances maggot. Your arrangements are ready. You're going to Cook Country Jail.. maybe I'll see you again maggot... in five or six years

Leary laughs then looks around noticing the camera.

Sgt. Leary: The fuck are you doing with that, Springer? Quit fucking around Springer and help me with the prisoner. You ain't getting out of the Cook Country jail you waste of sperm.

Alex hides his grin muttering to himself as the cell door opens

Alex Richards: Unless some idiot broadcast on YouTube were I was going and the Guardians see it.

Sgt. Leary: What was that?

Alex Richards: I'll be out sooner than you think. I'll bring the world title belt to visit you Sarge.

Fade To Black


THE VERGE
Series conceived by Alex Richards, Bonnie Blue and the Polar Phantasm
Series directed by the Polar Phantasm
Episode 1 of 4: Disbarred
Episode written by: Alex Richards
'The Guardians' created by Bonnie Blue, Jay Omega and the Polar Phantasm
(Come home soon, Spaceman.)

[(c) United Championship Infinite 2016. All rights reserved.]