Before The Wave- Not Another Failed Date
Aug 6, 2016 23:36:10 GMT -6
Wentworth Updegraff Jr., Bonnie Blue, and 1 more like this
Post by Alex Richards on Aug 6, 2016 23:36:10 GMT -6
Part 1- Dating With the Past
So How do I look?
Is the question Alex Richards posed as he walked into the room ambushing his brother Shaun Zach with what might be the worst outfit even known to man. He is wearing boots that appear to be made from alligator heads, pants that look like they were made from aluminum foil, some gold chains worn around his neck that look like they were stolen from.. or more likely bought at Mr. T's yard sale. And the most God awful blue sweater ever seen. It looks like this..
Alex walks into Shaun's hotel room looking very very nervous. Shaun however can't hold it back and begins laughing. Alex looks wounded.
Alex Richards: C'mon man.. I'm being serious. I really need this first date to work out. I mean our last couple of attempts at dates were interrupted when Rebecca was kidnapped by the yakuza, and then by Paul freaking Rudd.
SZR: And wearing... THAT.. is going to help with a great first date.
Alex Richards: Of course it is! First off grabs the attention of anyone in the room! It draws all eyes to me. Second, it's texturally pleasing. Every item of clothing has a different feel to it. So since Rebecca can't see my outfit she can certainly feel it!
SZR: That's.. actually well thought out. You really like this girl don't you?
Alex Richards: It just feels different you know. Seeing how beautiful she is, how smart she is. I just can't screw this up Zach..
SZR: You want my advice?
Alex Richards: Hell yes. You have been successfully married for 60 years!
SZR: Ummm.. right. You know Debra and I had our 10 year anniversary three weeks ago. You were there.. you threw the cake into the lake then laughed because that rhymed.
Alex Richards: Good times.
SZR: I should give you bad advice on purpose.
Alex Richards: Hey! Don't do that!
SZR: I said I should.. I didn't say I would. Mainly for the girls' benefit. She's already dating you.. why make it worse?
Alex flips Shaun the bird.
Alex Richards: Just because we're all grown up doesn't mean I can't still kick your ass.
Shaun grins.
SZR: You would have to catch me first.
Alex Richards: Seriously though, you got any advice for me? I really want this date to go well.
SZR: I know.. I know. I'm just having some fun with you. How much crap have you put me through in the last three years?
Alex Richards: Crap? I've livened up your life Zach!
SZR: You almost killed me so many times! Before you I never woke up wearing gloves covered in honey in the middle of the woods!
Alex Richards: In my defense.. I thought bear boxing was gonna be huge! Besides you were fine.. never seen a man climb a tree that fast before. Never seen a bear climb a tree that fast either.
SZR: I didn't think they could climb.. oh whatever... you're an asshole.
Alex Richards: I wouldn't really let you get hurt..
SZR: I know.
Alex Richards: Unless it's really funny.
SZR: I repeat you're an asshole. I should tell you that you can wear that outfit but you need to clean it first so take a shower with a radio first.
Alex Richards: Now who's being an asshole. Besides I already did that.
SZR: You do know how dangerous that is right?
Alex Richards: Of course I took the batteries out and sang the songs myself.
SZR: Hearing that is a fate worse then getting electrocuted.
Alex Richards: Rebecca likes my singing.
SZR: Is the poor girl deaf too?
Alex instantly looks annoyed.
Alex Richards: Hey.. don't make fun of Rebecca. She hears just fine.
SZR: Alright, when is this date?
Alex Richards: 35 minutes and 49 seconds from now. But I should probably pick her up early, right? Should I bring flowers? Do I need to buy condoms? Do I have time to pray to the Giant Spaghetti Monster that I don't screw this up?
SZR: Alex.. breathe. Relax. This is going to go great.
Alex Richards: I don't know bro. You've seen how my dates have gone lately. You gotta help me!
SZR: Alright, alright. I said I would. Okay first thing... lose the outfit. If the last few times Rebecca and you met chaos has been drawn to you perhaps you should blend in more. Go to your closet and put on the blue jeans and white t shirt the Guardians had you get for surveillance work.
Alex Richards: I gotta go with the blue shirt. The white one has spaghetti sauce stains on it.
SZR: There.. much better... now where are you going to take her?
Alex Richards: Oh.. you're gonna love this! We're going skydiving!
SZR: No!
Alex Richards: What? We were going to go up in the Strange Rover and..
SZR: You don't think taking a blind girl skydiving on your first date is going to scare her?
Alex Richards: Okay maybe I didn't think this out. Maybe I can still talk to Polar.. see if we can't get out in Space.. I'll bet she never had a date that ends at Uranus.
SZR: Yes because women love trips where the main point is making butt sex jokes. What are you 12 or Wolverine?
Alex Richards: I'll telling you she'll love it.
SZR: Remember that date you had at a truck stop..
Alex sighs.
Alex Richards: You may have a point. I'm only gonna get one shot at a first date. What do you suggest?
SZR: Keep it simple stupid. And what's the easiest.. most traditional date of them all?
Shaun doesn't wait for Alex to answer because he knows something bizarre is coming.
SZR: Easy. Take her to a coffee shop.
Alex Richards: Awesome! There's one near where the Sloshed Pit used to be.
Alex looks furious remembering the destruction of his beloved bar. But then he seemingly forces himself to calm down a bit.
Alex Richards: No.. can't be mad on my date.. Now... about that coffee shop.. the..
SZR: No! Not there. Take her to a Starbucks. There will be plenty of time for more adventurous dates later.
And so Alex follows his brother's advice and takes his girl to a Starbucks. He even shows up wearing surprisingly normal looking clothes. His date Rebecca on the other hand stands out more wearing a long black dress, dark sunglasses, and her chocolate lab. Her long, dark hair and pale complexion and dark choice of clothes may have given the impression she was sad or depressed but Rebecca possessed a bright and vibrant smile which she displayed often as she talked with the Archduke of Mass Confusion. A picture is worth a 1000 words so here's a picture of Alex's date.
Rebecca Thatch: I would have thought you would have chosen a harder drink then they serve here for our date.
Alex Richards: Wait... you're blind. I totally could have spiked my coffee.
Rebecca Thatch: You do know us blind chicks have an enhanced sense of hearing, right?
Alex Richards: Umm.. sorry.. I didn't think about that.
The edges of Rebecca's mouth twinkle with mischief.
Rebecca Thatch: So I would have made you share.. of course.
Alex Richards: Awesome!
Alex goes into his always present doctor's bag and.. looks disappointed.
Alex Richards: Zach made me leave it in the Strange Rover.
Rebecca Thatch: I guess we're going to have to do something else to entertain ourselves. What do people normally do in a Starbucks anyways.
Alex Richards: Text on their cell phone... umm.. use their laptop ummm.. I'm sorry.. this was a shit choice wasn't it.
Rebecca Thatch: I'm here with you aren't I..
Alex Richards: You don't need to make fun of me.
Rebecca Thatch: I was serious.
Alex Richards: Wait... what? Sorry.. I'm not used to that.
Rebecca Thatch: Used to what? Girls that actually like you?
Alex Richards: Yeah... pretty much.
Rebecca Thatch: Not your fault they have poor taste. Besides guys don't typically go for me either.. especially post wave. Too much effort.
Alex Richards: Well that's stupid. No effort is too much for you.
Rebecca Thatch: In that case.. I'm bored entertain me. You clearly chose a bad place for our first date so you need to make things up to me by telling me a story.
Rebecca smiles while she says this obviously teasing and flirting with Alex. Who thinks.. probably trying to think up the right story.
Alex Richards: Alright.. I have a story for you... There was this lady... don't worry she's no competition for you she was old. At least 60. She hobbled over to me on her walker.
Rebecca Thatch: And what was her name?
Alex thinks.. and sweats and..
Alex Richards: Mrs.. Fakerstein. Yeah that's its.. Amelia Fakerstein. And she walked over to me crying.
Rebecca Thatch: Didn't she have a wheelchair?
Alex Richards: Yeah, you're right. She wheeled over her way to me and..
Rebecca Thatch: She had a walker in the first version.
Alex Richards: Damnit! Why aren't you gonna let me finish making up my story to make myself look good. I was totally gonna rescue her pet muskrat, or son or grandson or cat from a burning building, a burglar.. or whatever else I thought of.
Rebecca slaps Alex on the shoulder.
Rebecca Thatch: Alex! I wanted a real story.
Alex Richards: Alright... but I don't know if you're gonna like it.
A nervous looking middle aged man in a blue Illinois prison guard uniform paces back and forth, looking out to see if anyone is coming. A man does approach but this man is wearing his prisoner blues. The man is around 6 feet tall, with short brown hair and goatee. He's one of those people who's obvious bad intentions are easily read. He walks over to the guard and hands him a baggie filled with white powder.
Prison Guard: Is it good quality?
Prisoner: Does it matter? You're just gonna sell the coke to junkies who got paroled anyways. Who gives a fuck?
Guard: Scott.. you have a big mouth. How would you like to go to solitary?
Scott: I wouldn't. But then you'd lose your source so you wouldn't like that either.
Guard: So what do you want for it this time. The usual ten percent?
Scott: Nah.. I'm getting lonely. Nobody to share my cell with since Randy's accident. I need a new cell mate. I hear a pretty boy is coming in tomorrow. A big kid. I like em big. How about you make us cell mates and we're square.
Guard: So I keep the money? Deal.
The guard walks off whistling a happy tune. Flash forward to the next day when the same guard and a older, veteran redheaded guard are bringing in a new prisoner, the massive man has long blonde hair, and a walrus muschase that might have gotten him sued if another federation have seen it. However in spite of the lack of tattoos you can tell this guy is a younger version of Alex Richards. At this point however he is just a scared, young kid.
Alex Richards: It was a mistake. I'm telling you. It was an accident. I don't belong here.
Redhead Guard: Like I haven't heard that before. Don't give me an excuse to knock you on your ass big boy.
Paid off Guard: He'll do it too. You're in our world now. You're about to realize just what prison is like.
Rebecca interrupts the story to ask a question.
Rebecca Thatch: Why were you in prison anyways?
Alex Richards: Being, a young, stupid professional wrestler. I was facing this veteran, a face painted guy named The Holy Terror. He painted a cross on his face, told the fans he was there to punish their favorites for their sins, you know standard stuff. I was a young, popular guy and he was nearing the end of his career so he figured he'd show everyone he still had it by beating the hell out of me. And he proceeded to do so for nearly twenty minutes. At the time I wasn't nearly as skilled as I am now but I was still just as stubborn. So I refused to go down in spite of the beating he was putting on me. And finally he started to wear down and made his mistake. He tossed me to the floor and decided he was going to finish me off by whipping me into the ring post. But I came it coming and reversed him then clotheslined the back of his head against the post. Now I knew he was hurt, that he was stunned. But I knew how tough he was and I had to put him away right now. I didn't want to give him a chance to recover so I decided I was going to use a new move I had practiced but never used in the ring before. I carried him to the ring apron and atomic dropped him to the floor..
Alex looks downcast, and guilty.
Alex Richards: His neck snapped off the ring railing. Sure, I didn't like the guy, but I didn't mean to break his neck, to end his career. For awhile they thought he wasn't gonna make it.
Rebecca Thatch: This is the type of story you tell on a first date?
Alex Richards: You wanted me to be honest. Well that is my deepest, darkest secret.. One of em at least..
Rebecca Thatch: Not that dark. You didn't mean to hurt him. He knew the risk. Accidents happen in wrestling.
Alex Richards: He said something like that actually. Well a few years later.
Rebecca Thatch: If that's the worst you did..
Alex Richards: Nope.. the worst is yet to come.
We return to the story this time while younger Alex is trying to get acclimated to prison, getting locked in his cell for the night. The goateed inmate from earlier, having successfully bribed the guard waits his time. As the guards finish the lock down and turn the lights out, the man approaches Alex a sick, slick smile on his face.
Scott: I hear you used to be a wrestler... well I like to wrestle too..
Alex Richards: You got me all wrong...
Scott: I don't got you wrong at all. You're new in here and you want to make it out of here, right? RIGHT? WELL FUCKING ANSWER ME.
Alex Richards: Yes..
Scott: Yes what?
Alex Richards: Yes sir.
Scott: That's more fucking like it. You pretty boy new fish to prison disgust me. You're so soft.. and weak. I figure I'll do you a favor and harden you up... how does that sound?
Alex Richards: umm... good.. good sir.
Scott: I fucking thought so you fucking pussy. I make my money here in prison selling drugs. As my new bitch. You don't mind me calling you bitch do ya? I didn't think so... bitch. As I was saying as my new bitch you're gonna be helping me. That means when I want you to hoop drugs, you stick em up your ass! And you stick em up deep so they don't get found. Because if they do..
Scott walks over to the top bunk, reaching under the mattress and pulling out what appears to be a knife carved out of an old toothbrush and sharpened to a point.
Scott: Do I have to spell out what happens if you fuck up?
Alex shakes his head.
Scott: That's what I do for money. Now you're gonna see what I do for fun.
Without warning Scott drills Alex in the jaw with a straight right hand catching the big man off guard and pushing him up against the bars.. quickly pulling down Alex's pants.
Scott: Now's the time you might think I would say don't scream. But please scream.. I like it when you scream. This is gonna hurt.. a lot.
Narrator:(Alex) I was a young kid who had never been in prison before. So before I went in I got some advice, as much advice as I could, from anyone I knew who had been in prison. They all said something similar. They said you're only gonna be in there 6 months, a year tops. So keep your head down, don't join a gang, don't fight, don't stare at people, don't do drugs, avoid conflict. Be as invisible as possible. Make as few waves as you can. That worked for me at the time, I didn't want to stand out, I wanted people to like me so I did the things I thought people would like. They liked me but it wasn't the real me. But that was good enough on the outside. But not now... not this time. I had a flashback to my childhood.. when I couldn't fight back. When I was helpless. I couldn't take it anymore... not again. I snapped and..
Alex mule kicks Scott off of him in the groin area. The experienced prisoner immediately reaches for his shiv and slashes at Alex cutting him across the chest. But Alex doesn't seem to feel any pain. But explodes dropping his adversary with a vicious series of clubbing blows to the head. Scott falls and Alex hops on top slamming the man's head on the cement floor several times before noticing the shiv. With a dark, ill intentioned smile Alex picks up the weapon and drives it home again and again into the groin of his cell mate. Screaming at him while he delivers blow after blow.
Alexander Richards: Scream for me! Scream for me! Who's the bitch now Scott? My name is Alexander Richards.. and YOU WILL NOT FUCK WITH ME! C'mon scream... I like it when you scream...
Alexander tosses the bloody weapon through the bars. Before pressing his face against them screaming now at his fellow prisoners.
Alexander Richards: Who's next? Anyone else? Anyone else? Anyone else think they can tell me what to do? They can make me suck their dick? I didn't fucking think so! You all ain't man enough to take me on! I'm the fucking man around here now!
Alexander laughs just then... as the guards finally come to take him away to solitary, and his cell mate away to the infirmary.
Narrator: (Alex) For the first time in my life I felt like I was in control of it. If I wanted something I took it. I used intimidation and fear to get what I wanted. It worked in prison and once I was released.. after 20 months with time tacked on for that attack I continued to use fear to get what I wanted. I figured I would strike first and no one else would be able to come at me. I had so much rage I just let it take over. I let it control me. I didn't care about anyone except myself and no one cared about me either. I didn't deserve anyone liking me, or caring about me. I was a bully, I was a thug. I saw what I did to Scott in prison and saw how well it worked. But I never stopped to think about whether it was right or not. Whether it was worth protecting myself from the monsters by becoming a demon instead.
Rebecca goes quiet, as if lost in thought. Alex turns to her, considering her possible response. But instead he rushes on not wanting to risk what she might have said in response to that.
Narrator:(Alex) I returned to the world of wrestling and eventually joined a major wrestling federation. Where my life changed again during a man for the hardcore title. I'm not gonna talk about the match but I will talk about the ending where my future tag team partner, a man named Oblivion, ran in and nailed me upside the head a bunch with a steel chair. You ever been knocked out and concussed? If you have I totally recommend self medicating with as much alcohol and pills as you can find! Because when I did that I was finally myself! I finally did every crazy thing I ever thought of, but was afraid other people would think was stupid. I traveled around the country in a van, I closed every bar, I was the life of every party. Then I sobered up and..
Alexander Richards walks into a 7-11. An angry expression on his face.
Narrator: (Alex) Of course I was angry. I was a rookie drinker at the time and still hated hangovers then. You gotta learn to respect the hangover or else you'll never get anywhere as a functionally alcoholic.
But anyways Alexander walks in wearing a black cut off jeans and a black muscle shirt that appears to have the word “run” written on it in a font that looks like dripping blood. He approaches the front counter. Turning his attention towards the clerk he taps impatiently on the counter. Fixing the man with a stare until he hurries over.
Clerk: What can I get you sir?
Alexander Richards: Cigars... your finest cigars... now. Give me a hundred.
The clerk opens up the cabinet. Alexander takes this opportunity to lean over the counter and spit on the big bite hot dogs in the warmer just because. The clerk looks like he notices but decides not to say anything.
Clerk: I just need to see some identification.
Alexander Richards: Are you stupid?
Clerk: Sir, I could get fired if I don't..
Alexander Richards: You think a man like me carries ID? I don't want you to know who I am in case I decide I don't like you. And I decide to do something to you. Something unspeakable.. something...
Alexander's mug suddenly displays a pained expression.
Alexander Richards: No... I'll be back..
Alexander walks to the back of the store, to the fridge.. where he notices a 6 pack of Budweiser beer. He shakes his head and goes for the 12 pack instead. He starts pounding beer one after another.
Alex Richards: This beer is boring!
Alex goes over to the slurpie machine and notices a mop bucket nearby. He dumps out the water and adds in some grape slurpie.. then the remaining beers.. then a bottle of cough syrup because why not.
Alex Richards: Someday rappers are gonna rip me off. But fuck that this is real purple drank!
Narrator: (Alex) Okay fine.. I didn't say that. But it's my story damnit!
Alex drinks down the whole disgusting mixture then walks back to the counter where the shocked clerk is staring dumbfounded.
Alex Richards: Now that's a party! You want to party? Here's some money to party!
Alex reaches into his pocket, pulls out three hundred dollar bills and places them on the counter.
Alex Richards: Say you ever go milk crate bowling... the secret is you leave the milk in the crate because it explodes on impact if you hit it hard enough! That's it.. I convinced myself! I'm doing it!
Clerk: I'm done in ten minutes.
Alex Richards: Then you're coming with me buddy! Where's Zach at.. I know he would enjoy this!
Alex thinks for a second.. then pulls out another 50 dollars.. for the milk. He leaves the 7-11 carrying many many jugs of milk a huge satisfied smile on his face.
Alex Richards: And right there I made my choice. Some people might say I'm a fuck up. They might say I can't be serious. But I bring fun and excitement every I go to everyone I meet! And you know.. that's a pretty good thing to have to offer. At least the best I got. I mean.. I could have spent my life pissed off at the world, convinced I was dealt a bad hand. But I realized.. I don't gotta live like that. I don't gotta be that guy. That's why joining the Guardians meant so much to me. The chance to do good while hanging out with some of my best friends. That's a little slice of Pastafarian Heaven. I'm just a normal, okay really really really weird guy, who always wanted to save the world but never knew he used to or could. The Guardians change that.
Alex awaits Rebecca's response. Rebecca touches her face, also as if she's remembering something dark and twisted from her own past. She collects herself and finally speaks.
Rebecca Thatch: Some of the things you used to be were pretty screwed up.
Alex Richards: I know, and I understand if you don't want to see me again. But I wanted you to know the real me, all of me. I don't hide who I am from people I don't know, why would I hide it from you. I.. I.. really like you.
Rebecca Thatch: Like I said.. some of the things you did were pretty screwed up. But some people deserve it. Sometimes it's the only solution. Then again sometimes it isn't. The key is knowing the difference. And I really like you too Alex. Why else do you think I would keep putting myself into danger with you?
Alex looks overjoyed and reaches across the table hugging Rebecca, who returns the embrace.
Rebecca Thatch: Now.. are we gonna do it on the table here?
Alex Richards: I thought that was my line.
Rebecca Thatch: No, definitely my line. I can't see the disapproving expressions on everyone's faces after all.
Alex sweeps the coffee mugs off the table. As Rebecca laughs.
Rebecca Thatch: You do know I was joking, right?
Alex Richards: I was hoping you were serious..
Rebecca Thatch: Alex! Do you really think our first time should be at some chain coffee shop?
Alex Richards: I knew I should have taken you skydiving instead. That was my original plan.
Rebecca slaps Alex on the shoulder again.
Rebecca Thatch: Why didn't you?
Alex Richards: My brother informed me that a blind woman probably wouldn't enjoy that.
Rebecca Thatch: Why did you take advice from him exactly? Do you like roller coasters?
Alex Richards: Is that even a real question.
Rebecca Thatch: Well I love roller coasters. You know what the best part of a rollercoaster is... you never know what's coming next!
Alex Richards: You're right! I love those ones in the dark... with the tunnels and..
Rebecca Thatch: So if you're blind and go skydiving.. it's like the world's most exciting rollercoaster.. you literally never know where you're going to end up.
Alex Richards: You're perfect.. let's go.
Rebecca Thatch: How are we going skydiving on this short of notice?
Alex Richards: We're taking the Strange Rover of course... my truck is awesome.
Rebecca Thatch: It..
Alex Richards: Of course it does. Nicky created it.. oh, you don't know Nicky Tesla?
Rebecca Thatch: You're something else aren't you?
Alex Richards: No one else like me.
Rebecca Thatch: Think my dog would like to skydive? I mean PETA did sort of get wiped out because of the wave after all.
Alex Richards: You are too perfect. And maybe if we give him a drink or two.
The couple get up to leave but Alex stops her with a hand on her shoulder.
Alex Richards: I have something for you. I was thinking about bringing you roses. But this is post Wave times. So I got something more practical.
Alex reaches under the table and pulls out his gold tipped tricked out pimp cane from the adventure with 8-Bit a few weeks ago. If this confuses you you should totally check out that. Like right now. See Mick Foley isn't the only one who does cheap plugs. Alex hands the cane to Rebecca, who looks a little puzzled as she feels her new gift.
Rebecca Thatch: You do know I already have a cane right, Alex?
Alex Richards: Not like this one..
Rebecca Thatch: It is a lot heavier than the usual cane of this size.
Alex Richards: Press the button on the tip of the handle.
Rebecca does and immediately fires a round from the end of the pimp right through the table! She looks absolutely stunned as Alex roars in delight.
Alex Richards: I was wondering to myself do I get the pimp cane or the shotgun. Then I thought... why not do both!
The man behind the counter does not look impressed. He quickly sprints over towards the shotgunning duo.
Alex Richards: Don't worry I'll pay for damages.
Server: You have to leave.
Rebecca turns towards him and answers in a meek voice.
Rebecca Thatch: I'm sorry.. I didn't notice my finger touched the button.
The server looks at the blind lady and probably thinks this is going to make his business look bad. So he promptly backtracks.
Server: It's okay miss. In this world it's natural a person in your situation would need something for self defense. Just please be more careful.
The server walks away as Rebecca leans into Alex and whispers.
Rebecca Thatch: Guide my hand and aim it at the capacino machine.
Alex smiles and does just that. Rebecca presses the trigger again and again. The machine explodes in a spray of foam and smoke.
Rebecca Thatch: A girl could get used to something like this.
The server walks over again.. this time more slowly, more reserved, more careful. Alex and Rebecca save him the trouble. They walk towards the door Alex leaving a stack of cash on the table before they go.
Rebecca Thatch: Why the money?
Alex Richards: It's a point of honor for me Becky. You always pay for damages. I might need to win the 100 grand tournament just to pay for the damages I'm going to incur during the victory party.
Rebecca Thatch: We are going to incur during the victory party.
Alex Richards: You're my kind of woman Becky.
Part 2: Dealing With The Present
Narrator: (SZR) Alex thought I would be disappointed since I didn't get to go on this trip so he offered to let me do the narration. He doesn't know I was actually quite happy to spend a quiet night at home with the wife. We went out for lattes at Starbucks. Which was surprisingly undamaged. I'm taking that to mean Alex's date went well. Actually I know Alex's date went well because I'm narrating this scene where Alex is flying over the skyline of Chicago in his specially modified truck. I've asked to see the plans. Alex either doesn't have them or isn't sharing. Either way I have no idea why Alex has a flying truck. But anyhow Alex is driving err.. flying the Strange Rover.. sort of at least as it appears he isn't behind the wheel at all but instead is behind Rebecca covering her eyes with his hands.
Alex Richards: Guess who?
Rebecca Thatch: Paul.. is that you?
Alex retorts in frustration.
Alex Richards: I knew it! I knew you had a thing for Paul Rudd!
Rebecca Thatch: Or I just said that because I know you're the only other one in this vehicle.
Alex Richards: Oh right... sorry.
Rebecca Thatch: I do have concerns however. If you're behind me... then who exactly is flying the truck.
Rebecca giggles.
Rebecca Thatch: I can't believe I just said flying a truck. But seriously did you get someone else to drive? I didn't hear anyone else stomping around.
Alex Richards: It's the autopilot.
Rebecca Thatch: You have an autopilot?
Alex Richards: Nicky does good work. It was pretty much necessary though. I needed the autopilot because I hate drunk drivers but I love drinking. Normally I get my brother Zach to drive because I also don't like drinking alone most of the time. But you know.. when a great idea strikes... do you want to wait?
Rebecca Thatch: Of course not.
Alex Richards: And by the time you sober up you might forget it. Hence the auto pilot. I can get there, do my thing and then pass out on the way back.
Rebecca Thatch: So you're saying if I wanted to go skydiving in Hollywood...
Alex Richards: I'm saying.. I already set a course.
Rebecca Thatch: So... you do have your uses.
Alex Richards: Stick with me Becky and I'll show you adventures you never even dreamed of.
Rebecca Thatch: Challenge accepted.
Alex Richards: Now I know a few minutes ago you were asking me what I needed to do as a professional wrestler. Part of it is promoting my match. So I figure on the flight over perhaps I'll entertain my lady by talking about my matches this week. How does that sound?
Rebecca Thatch: Love it.
Alex Richards: One night tournament... for one hundred thousand dollars... eight man... one winner. Sounds pretty good, right? Just one problem. I suck in tournaments. Really really suck in tournaments. Competed in the UCI world title tournament, lost in the first round. In my previous federation I competed twice in the king of trios tournament. Lost in the first round the first time and in the semi finals the second. Competed in the Trilogy Cup, was defeated in the semi finals. Competed in the Classic tournament for the United States Championship got outed in the second round. Like I said.. I really suck in tournaments.
Rebecca Thatch: I would have thought promoting yourself would be a little more positive.
Alex Richards: Well Becky, I'm just telling the truth. See, I know my record in tournaments is spotty at best. But look at the other seven people in the tournament and look at how many tournaments they have won. But I'll bet they won't admit that. They won't even mention it. You know what else they won't mention. Out of the seven opponents in this tournament I already have victories over four of them! Say anyone else say that? Erin Fausse, Kyle Cameron, Dustin Beaver, and just last week, Taylor Wright.
Alex's lip tighten at the thought of his rival.
Alex Richards: I have won 5 matches in a row! I have never been pinned, never have submitted in a match. Unlike that punk Wright who whined for mercy... whined for me to stop.. then re paid my kindness by destroying the Sloshed Pit.
Rebecca Thatch: I was wondering why we didn't go there.
Alex Richards: But I'll get to Wright later. I have to remember how bad I have been in tournaments so I don't get overconfident. Because looking at the field who else besides myself can be considered the favorite?
Alex thinks for a second..
Alex Richards: How about my first round opponent, the leader of the Guardians, Polar Phantasm? You know the more of I about it, the more I think David Sanchez probably bribed Wentworth into scheduling myself and the Phantasm in the first round of the tournament. Because if we were in opposite sides of the bracket we would be a virtual lock to face off in the finals. So Scamchez probably either begged, paid or blackmailed Wendy into putting us against each other in the first round on the other side of the bracket to keep us away from him.
Rebecca Thatch: You know.. I could see him doing that. You know not only did he have the Chicago Center for the Blind closed down but he had a sign put on the door in braille no less that said sucks to be you.
Alex Richards: Or it could be Davey boy and Wendy decided if they made the Guardians fight for a lot of money maybe we would break it over it. I know, that sounds pretty stupid. And petty. And selfish. But you gotta know that the Syndicate members in this tournament would absolutely back stab each other over money. That's the difference between Bonnie, Polar and myself and David, Erin, and Taylor. See if you're a Guardian.. you need something the other Guardians will make sure you have it. The Syndicate is every man for themselves. The Guardians.. well one of us are gonna win this tournament but we will all be there to celebrate. The Syndicate if Sanchez wins he'll probably spend all the money on a giant ball to crown himself king and make his subjects in the Syndicate attend but other then that if anyone else wins David probably won't even let them acknowledge it. That's why one of us are winning. We are all happy if someone else in the Guardians succeeds, the Syndicate is nothing but in fighting, and arguing and.. Don't believe me. What happened to their former television champion? Think she ended up buried under a building somewhere? Because I do.
Rebecca Thatch: What are you going to do with the money when you win?
Alex Richards: Polar and I had an agreement. We were gonna spend the whole 100k on fireworks.
Rebecca Thatch: Seriously? Get some of the ones that scream all the way across the sky. And the ones that make the big boom. Those are my favorites.
Alex Richards: What my lady wants, my lady gets. But I just want to blow the money for a very simple reason. To send a message to Wentworth. I'm not for sale! I don't need your money! I don't want your money! I'm not in this for the money, I'm in this because I want that monkey off my back! I want to finally win a tournament! And dashing the Syndicate's dreams of winning and getting a little payback on them. That's just an added bonus.
Alex takes a drink from a boot of Zim-Quila. There's always a boot.
Rebecca Thatch: I can hear you drinking... share!
Alex goes red in the face and mumbles an I'm sorry to Rebecca. He then mixes a drink for the lady handing it to her before continuing.
Alex Richards: First thing is first though. I have to get past my teammate, my leader Polar Phantasm. Him and Bonnie are the first ever tag team champions. He main evented Election Day. Polar is fondly remembered by members of every team he has ever led. And Polar... beating the hell out of you is gonna be a whole lot of fun! That's what I'm all about. Throwing down with people you hate is one thing but throwing down with your friends... that's my idea of a fun Saturday night! Hell, you don't know who's back you're watching or who's watching your back until you fought them! You don't know who's got the bragging rights. And damnit, I want those bragging rights! When the tournament is over.. I will have kicked Polar Phantasm's ass! Don't get me wrong, it's gonna be a war. I don't think this is gonna be easy at all. In fact this first round match could be my toughest match of the tournament. We're gonna beat the shit out of each other and when it's all over.. we're gonna drink together and celebrate my victory. Sorry Polar. I love you and all but this is my tournament to win and I intend to do so!
Alex looks over at Rebecca who is drinking a Zim-Quila.. out of a boot with a straw.
Alex Richards: Becky.. I gotta teach you how to drink.
Rebecca Thatch: What? I'm a lady. We can't all be savages like you.
Alex Richards: I am pretty lucky ain't I?
Rebecca shakes her head. As Alex begins to get serious.
Alex Richards: Then there's the other competitors in the tournament.. like my possible second round opponent Dustin Beaver. I still remember our last match Dustin, where I hit you with the Sanity Slip and scored the pinfall. I have to ask you Dustin. What's changed since then? I saw you at Beachmania you were relying on a distraction from Wade Moor to help you beat Jayden Thunder. Didn't my teammates Bonnie and Polar beat Thunder in like ten seconds? What did I do at Beachmania? I beat your opponent in one of the most brutal matches in the UCI. A fight so brutal even Jayson Price didn't want any part of that. He washed his hands of it. But I fought in it and I won. So I ask you Beaver, what have you done to convince me or anyone else you're gonna win this time. And while you're on the subject of you I have to admit, I don't quite trust you. You and Wade Moor getting back together at the now defunct Beach Krew's namesake show. Yeah, it doesn't take a rocket scientist. And I'm not definitely not a rocket scientist to know something is up. So I figure maybe a little warning is in order. Let you know what might happen if you decide to go from volunteering in homeless shelters to plots of world domination like your elk was up to in the past. I'm watching you Beaver.. and don't take I can't take you down if you get out of line. But to be honest, I'm hoping you lose in the first round.
Rebecca Thatch: Why's that?
Alex Richards: You think I don't want another shot at Taylor Wright after what he did. You're lucky I'm here with my girl Taylor. I would be much much angrier at you. But know this Taylor.. Becky isn't gonna be at ringside. That means if you get past Dustin I can unleash all that anger on you. And I have a lot of anger about the way you destroyed my bar. See if you would have won it, then destroyed it, that would have been one thing. You would have won it fair and square and it would have been yours to do with what you like. I mean.. I still wouldn't have liked it. But I had my chance to defend it and failed. But I didn't fail. I beat you to the point where you begged me to stop. Then I had the chance to end your life. You told me I had to kill you. But I spared you. You know why Taylor?
Alex pauses for a beat.
Alex Richards: To give you the chance to change. I was like you, once, Taylor. I decided I didn't have to live like that. I didn't have to be that way. Well neither do you, Wright. You have two choices, either you can keep on being Sanchez's lap dog. You can keep on working for somebody who doesn't give a damn about you. Or you can change your life for the better. This week I'm going to show you what you mean to Sanchez. Absolutely nothing. See I know that idea about burning down the Sloshed Pit didn't come from you. It came from Sanchez. And as usual you followed orders. I'm going to show you where that gets you. Because David isn't going to take that beating as payback. You are. At least you are first. And while I'm beating on you, torturing you, destroying you I'll let you scream, I'll let you call for the Syndicate. Because I know they aren't going to help you. They don't give a damn about you. When the match is over.. do me a favor. Crawl to the dressing room and ask why. Ask why you had to take the heat. Ask why no one helped you when it was obvious you were defeated. Because the answer is obvious. They don't care about you Wright. You're simply cannon fodder for the machine. Unless you choose to be more.
Rebecca Thatch: Okay so this is a tournament. Who do you think you're going to face in the finals?
Alex Richards: Not Kyle Cameron. I mean shouldn't I be the ACTUAL world champion. I did thrash him. And quite easily at that. But I'm not making a fuss. I'd rather win a real title. You know like the world title. Like as in the world title I have a number one contender's match for in two weeks. Kyle can keep his ACTUAL title. Even though it's basically the wrestling version of a participation ribbon. Hell, even Andre Jansen should actually be the ACTUAL champion. He won that match and because of a bogus referee's decision he got screwed out of the win. I do want to find that ref though. He probably has the good drugs and I want some. But I won't be facing Cameron in the finals because he doesn't already have the money spent, he already has his next excuse ready for when he loses.
Alex smiles thinking of his next possible opponent.
Alex Richards: Like Polar, facing Bonnie Blue is an honor. She's someone who could easily win this tournament like Polar. And like Polar she's gonna have the bad luck to face me in the tournament. Sorry Bonnie, enjoy those tag titles because I'm taking home this tournament. I'm not going to talk a lot of trash about my fellow Guardians. We all know how good each other are. But this is gonna be my moment. My way to build momentum going into the biggest match of my career so far in the UCI. Sorry Bonnie, you aren't gonna deny me.
Alex smiles again, this time more sinisterly.
Alex Richards: Then there's Erin Fausse. First how's your mouth? Second, why are you in this tournament instead of Andre Holmes who basically destroyed you at Beachmania. And finally, I just want to say... after messing with Andre's head about his family you got what you deserved. See Erin, you're nothing but a con artist. The first time you faced Andre he underestimated you, and you got the win. The second time he made no such mistake. He not only defeated you. But he did it definitively. The first time we fought Erin, you were able to take advantage of a mistake and pin the third person in our match Bonnie and advance in the world title tournament. Then in our re match, a tag team match I made no such mistakes. I knew how sneaky you were. I knew what you would be up to. Even to the point where I tagged out to Teddy when I had your partner Kyle Kemp down and out just so I could kick you in the head and abort your dirty tricks. If we met in the finals.. what do you have for me? You're a one trick pony. All you have is the mind games. All you have are the cheap shots. I stop that.. you have nothing! From the minute our first match finished I said I was the better man, I knew I was the better man. If you make the finals.. I prove what I already know.
Rebecca Thatch: So no matter who you're facing... we get fireworks afterwards?
Alex Richards: I knew you were a smart women, Becky. That leaves only one man. The man I want to face more than anyone else in this tournament. David Sanchez... please make the finals. I'll get down on my knees and beg you to get to the finals. Because you're the man who closed the center for the blind, you're the man who encourages the gangs, you're the man behind the destruction of my bar, you're the man who banned religion. YOU'RE THE MAN WHO'S RUINING CHICAGO... MY FUCKING CITY! NOT YOURS! IT'S FUCKING MINE! AND IT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING PLAYGROUND ANY LONGER. So David.. grow some balls and finally face me. I know you'll probably lose on purpose to avoid facing me. Because let's be real Sanchez, you have never wanted to face me. I remember in that previous federation I won a number one contender's match for the United States Championship. The title you held. And you instantly, and repeatedly stated I didn't deserve a title shot. You gave title shots to guys I defeated to earn that title shot but not me. Why not Scamchez? Because you knew I was more than you were going to be able to handle. You knew the longer you ducked me, the longer you would remain champion. You ran Sanchez.. and you kept running. You didn't have to face me then. But things are much much worse for you now. Back then it was for a title. I mean I like titles and all. Chicks dig titles.
Rebecca Thatch: And you need to keep picking up chicks, why?
Alex Richards: I was just making a point. Wait.. why are you jealous? You're the hot one. But like I was saying. The united States title was a prize worth fighting for. But fighting for the people of Chicago? Fighting for their rights? David Sanchez, you're gonna learn you were right to avoid me in the past. Because if you make the tournament finals all your worst nightmares are gonna come true. I hope you do make the finals, I truly do. But on your way to the ring.. go find Wright and ask what happened to him when he fought me. And know this... I hold you responsible for his actions.
Rebecca Thatch: Your GPS just said we were here. That can't be right.
Alex Richards: Time flies when you're having fun. You're gonna learn Becky, the more time you spend with Alex Richards.. the less sense things are gonna make. I'm a strange dude.
Rebecca Thatch: What if I like strange.
Alex Richards: Then you're gonna be very happy.
Alex gives Rebecca a hug then can't resist finishing his last line.
Alex Richards: This Sunday.. I'm going to light the fuse, I'm going to cause the big boom, I'm going to be responsible for the fireworks everyone in Chicago can see... no matter where we are this week because 100 grand buys a lot of fireworks! When this tournament is over.. I will have stopped my tournament losing streak, I will have cracked my curse, and most importantly I will have proved the Syndicate are a bunch of frauds.
Rebecca Thatch: Shall we jump?
Alex Richards: I thought you'd never ask.
Fade to Black
Narrator:(SZR) Ha! I tricked you didn't I? You thought the title not another failed date meant the date was gonna go badly. But it didn't.. it really wasn't another bad date! Okay.. I'll show myself out.
So How do I look?
Is the question Alex Richards posed as he walked into the room ambushing his brother Shaun Zach with what might be the worst outfit even known to man. He is wearing boots that appear to be made from alligator heads, pants that look like they were made from aluminum foil, some gold chains worn around his neck that look like they were stolen from.. or more likely bought at Mr. T's yard sale. And the most God awful blue sweater ever seen. It looks like this..
Alex walks into Shaun's hotel room looking very very nervous. Shaun however can't hold it back and begins laughing. Alex looks wounded.
Alex Richards: C'mon man.. I'm being serious. I really need this first date to work out. I mean our last couple of attempts at dates were interrupted when Rebecca was kidnapped by the yakuza, and then by Paul freaking Rudd.
SZR: And wearing... THAT.. is going to help with a great first date.
Alex Richards: Of course it is! First off grabs the attention of anyone in the room! It draws all eyes to me. Second, it's texturally pleasing. Every item of clothing has a different feel to it. So since Rebecca can't see my outfit she can certainly feel it!
SZR: That's.. actually well thought out. You really like this girl don't you?
Alex Richards: It just feels different you know. Seeing how beautiful she is, how smart she is. I just can't screw this up Zach..
SZR: You want my advice?
Alex Richards: Hell yes. You have been successfully married for 60 years!
SZR: Ummm.. right. You know Debra and I had our 10 year anniversary three weeks ago. You were there.. you threw the cake into the lake then laughed because that rhymed.
Alex Richards: Good times.
SZR: I should give you bad advice on purpose.
Alex Richards: Hey! Don't do that!
SZR: I said I should.. I didn't say I would. Mainly for the girls' benefit. She's already dating you.. why make it worse?
Alex flips Shaun the bird.
Alex Richards: Just because we're all grown up doesn't mean I can't still kick your ass.
Shaun grins.
SZR: You would have to catch me first.
Alex Richards: Seriously though, you got any advice for me? I really want this date to go well.
SZR: I know.. I know. I'm just having some fun with you. How much crap have you put me through in the last three years?
Alex Richards: Crap? I've livened up your life Zach!
SZR: You almost killed me so many times! Before you I never woke up wearing gloves covered in honey in the middle of the woods!
Alex Richards: In my defense.. I thought bear boxing was gonna be huge! Besides you were fine.. never seen a man climb a tree that fast before. Never seen a bear climb a tree that fast either.
SZR: I didn't think they could climb.. oh whatever... you're an asshole.
Alex Richards: I wouldn't really let you get hurt..
SZR: I know.
Alex Richards: Unless it's really funny.
SZR: I repeat you're an asshole. I should tell you that you can wear that outfit but you need to clean it first so take a shower with a radio first.
Alex Richards: Now who's being an asshole. Besides I already did that.
SZR: You do know how dangerous that is right?
Alex Richards: Of course I took the batteries out and sang the songs myself.
SZR: Hearing that is a fate worse then getting electrocuted.
Alex Richards: Rebecca likes my singing.
SZR: Is the poor girl deaf too?
Alex instantly looks annoyed.
Alex Richards: Hey.. don't make fun of Rebecca. She hears just fine.
SZR: Alright, when is this date?
Alex Richards: 35 minutes and 49 seconds from now. But I should probably pick her up early, right? Should I bring flowers? Do I need to buy condoms? Do I have time to pray to the Giant Spaghetti Monster that I don't screw this up?
SZR: Alex.. breathe. Relax. This is going to go great.
Alex Richards: I don't know bro. You've seen how my dates have gone lately. You gotta help me!
SZR: Alright, alright. I said I would. Okay first thing... lose the outfit. If the last few times Rebecca and you met chaos has been drawn to you perhaps you should blend in more. Go to your closet and put on the blue jeans and white t shirt the Guardians had you get for surveillance work.
Alex Richards: I gotta go with the blue shirt. The white one has spaghetti sauce stains on it.
SZR: There.. much better... now where are you going to take her?
Alex Richards: Oh.. you're gonna love this! We're going skydiving!
SZR: No!
Alex Richards: What? We were going to go up in the Strange Rover and..
SZR: You don't think taking a blind girl skydiving on your first date is going to scare her?
Alex Richards: Okay maybe I didn't think this out. Maybe I can still talk to Polar.. see if we can't get out in Space.. I'll bet she never had a date that ends at Uranus.
SZR: Yes because women love trips where the main point is making butt sex jokes. What are you 12 or Wolverine?
Alex Richards: I'll telling you she'll love it.
SZR: Remember that date you had at a truck stop..
Alex sighs.
Alex Richards: You may have a point. I'm only gonna get one shot at a first date. What do you suggest?
SZR: Keep it simple stupid. And what's the easiest.. most traditional date of them all?
Shaun doesn't wait for Alex to answer because he knows something bizarre is coming.
SZR: Easy. Take her to a coffee shop.
Alex Richards: Awesome! There's one near where the Sloshed Pit used to be.
Alex looks furious remembering the destruction of his beloved bar. But then he seemingly forces himself to calm down a bit.
Alex Richards: No.. can't be mad on my date.. Now... about that coffee shop.. the..
SZR: No! Not there. Take her to a Starbucks. There will be plenty of time for more adventurous dates later.
And so Alex follows his brother's advice and takes his girl to a Starbucks. He even shows up wearing surprisingly normal looking clothes. His date Rebecca on the other hand stands out more wearing a long black dress, dark sunglasses, and her chocolate lab. Her long, dark hair and pale complexion and dark choice of clothes may have given the impression she was sad or depressed but Rebecca possessed a bright and vibrant smile which she displayed often as she talked with the Archduke of Mass Confusion. A picture is worth a 1000 words so here's a picture of Alex's date.
Rebecca Thatch: I would have thought you would have chosen a harder drink then they serve here for our date.
Alex Richards: Wait... you're blind. I totally could have spiked my coffee.
Rebecca Thatch: You do know us blind chicks have an enhanced sense of hearing, right?
Alex Richards: Umm.. sorry.. I didn't think about that.
The edges of Rebecca's mouth twinkle with mischief.
Rebecca Thatch: So I would have made you share.. of course.
Alex Richards: Awesome!
Alex goes into his always present doctor's bag and.. looks disappointed.
Alex Richards: Zach made me leave it in the Strange Rover.
Rebecca Thatch: I guess we're going to have to do something else to entertain ourselves. What do people normally do in a Starbucks anyways.
Alex Richards: Text on their cell phone... umm.. use their laptop ummm.. I'm sorry.. this was a shit choice wasn't it.
Rebecca Thatch: I'm here with you aren't I..
Alex Richards: You don't need to make fun of me.
Rebecca Thatch: I was serious.
Alex Richards: Wait... what? Sorry.. I'm not used to that.
Rebecca Thatch: Used to what? Girls that actually like you?
Alex Richards: Yeah... pretty much.
Rebecca Thatch: Not your fault they have poor taste. Besides guys don't typically go for me either.. especially post wave. Too much effort.
Alex Richards: Well that's stupid. No effort is too much for you.
Rebecca Thatch: In that case.. I'm bored entertain me. You clearly chose a bad place for our first date so you need to make things up to me by telling me a story.
Rebecca smiles while she says this obviously teasing and flirting with Alex. Who thinks.. probably trying to think up the right story.
Alex Richards: Alright.. I have a story for you... There was this lady... don't worry she's no competition for you she was old. At least 60. She hobbled over to me on her walker.
Rebecca Thatch: And what was her name?
Alex thinks.. and sweats and..
Alex Richards: Mrs.. Fakerstein. Yeah that's its.. Amelia Fakerstein. And she walked over to me crying.
Rebecca Thatch: Didn't she have a wheelchair?
Alex Richards: Yeah, you're right. She wheeled over her way to me and..
Rebecca Thatch: She had a walker in the first version.
Alex Richards: Damnit! Why aren't you gonna let me finish making up my story to make myself look good. I was totally gonna rescue her pet muskrat, or son or grandson or cat from a burning building, a burglar.. or whatever else I thought of.
Rebecca slaps Alex on the shoulder.
Rebecca Thatch: Alex! I wanted a real story.
Alex Richards: Alright... but I don't know if you're gonna like it.
A nervous looking middle aged man in a blue Illinois prison guard uniform paces back and forth, looking out to see if anyone is coming. A man does approach but this man is wearing his prisoner blues. The man is around 6 feet tall, with short brown hair and goatee. He's one of those people who's obvious bad intentions are easily read. He walks over to the guard and hands him a baggie filled with white powder.
Prison Guard: Is it good quality?
Prisoner: Does it matter? You're just gonna sell the coke to junkies who got paroled anyways. Who gives a fuck?
Guard: Scott.. you have a big mouth. How would you like to go to solitary?
Scott: I wouldn't. But then you'd lose your source so you wouldn't like that either.
Guard: So what do you want for it this time. The usual ten percent?
Scott: Nah.. I'm getting lonely. Nobody to share my cell with since Randy's accident. I need a new cell mate. I hear a pretty boy is coming in tomorrow. A big kid. I like em big. How about you make us cell mates and we're square.
Guard: So I keep the money? Deal.
The guard walks off whistling a happy tune. Flash forward to the next day when the same guard and a older, veteran redheaded guard are bringing in a new prisoner, the massive man has long blonde hair, and a walrus muschase that might have gotten him sued if another federation have seen it. However in spite of the lack of tattoos you can tell this guy is a younger version of Alex Richards. At this point however he is just a scared, young kid.
Alex Richards: It was a mistake. I'm telling you. It was an accident. I don't belong here.
Redhead Guard: Like I haven't heard that before. Don't give me an excuse to knock you on your ass big boy.
Paid off Guard: He'll do it too. You're in our world now. You're about to realize just what prison is like.
Rebecca interrupts the story to ask a question.
Rebecca Thatch: Why were you in prison anyways?
Alex Richards: Being, a young, stupid professional wrestler. I was facing this veteran, a face painted guy named The Holy Terror. He painted a cross on his face, told the fans he was there to punish their favorites for their sins, you know standard stuff. I was a young, popular guy and he was nearing the end of his career so he figured he'd show everyone he still had it by beating the hell out of me. And he proceeded to do so for nearly twenty minutes. At the time I wasn't nearly as skilled as I am now but I was still just as stubborn. So I refused to go down in spite of the beating he was putting on me. And finally he started to wear down and made his mistake. He tossed me to the floor and decided he was going to finish me off by whipping me into the ring post. But I came it coming and reversed him then clotheslined the back of his head against the post. Now I knew he was hurt, that he was stunned. But I knew how tough he was and I had to put him away right now. I didn't want to give him a chance to recover so I decided I was going to use a new move I had practiced but never used in the ring before. I carried him to the ring apron and atomic dropped him to the floor..
Alex looks downcast, and guilty.
Alex Richards: His neck snapped off the ring railing. Sure, I didn't like the guy, but I didn't mean to break his neck, to end his career. For awhile they thought he wasn't gonna make it.
Rebecca Thatch: This is the type of story you tell on a first date?
Alex Richards: You wanted me to be honest. Well that is my deepest, darkest secret.. One of em at least..
Rebecca Thatch: Not that dark. You didn't mean to hurt him. He knew the risk. Accidents happen in wrestling.
Alex Richards: He said something like that actually. Well a few years later.
Rebecca Thatch: If that's the worst you did..
Alex Richards: Nope.. the worst is yet to come.
We return to the story this time while younger Alex is trying to get acclimated to prison, getting locked in his cell for the night. The goateed inmate from earlier, having successfully bribed the guard waits his time. As the guards finish the lock down and turn the lights out, the man approaches Alex a sick, slick smile on his face.
Scott: I hear you used to be a wrestler... well I like to wrestle too..
Alex Richards: You got me all wrong...
Scott: I don't got you wrong at all. You're new in here and you want to make it out of here, right? RIGHT? WELL FUCKING ANSWER ME.
Alex Richards: Yes..
Scott: Yes what?
Alex Richards: Yes sir.
Scott: That's more fucking like it. You pretty boy new fish to prison disgust me. You're so soft.. and weak. I figure I'll do you a favor and harden you up... how does that sound?
Alex Richards: umm... good.. good sir.
Scott: I fucking thought so you fucking pussy. I make my money here in prison selling drugs. As my new bitch. You don't mind me calling you bitch do ya? I didn't think so... bitch. As I was saying as my new bitch you're gonna be helping me. That means when I want you to hoop drugs, you stick em up your ass! And you stick em up deep so they don't get found. Because if they do..
Scott walks over to the top bunk, reaching under the mattress and pulling out what appears to be a knife carved out of an old toothbrush and sharpened to a point.
Scott: Do I have to spell out what happens if you fuck up?
Alex shakes his head.
Scott: That's what I do for money. Now you're gonna see what I do for fun.
Without warning Scott drills Alex in the jaw with a straight right hand catching the big man off guard and pushing him up against the bars.. quickly pulling down Alex's pants.
Scott: Now's the time you might think I would say don't scream. But please scream.. I like it when you scream. This is gonna hurt.. a lot.
Narrator:(Alex) I was a young kid who had never been in prison before. So before I went in I got some advice, as much advice as I could, from anyone I knew who had been in prison. They all said something similar. They said you're only gonna be in there 6 months, a year tops. So keep your head down, don't join a gang, don't fight, don't stare at people, don't do drugs, avoid conflict. Be as invisible as possible. Make as few waves as you can. That worked for me at the time, I didn't want to stand out, I wanted people to like me so I did the things I thought people would like. They liked me but it wasn't the real me. But that was good enough on the outside. But not now... not this time. I had a flashback to my childhood.. when I couldn't fight back. When I was helpless. I couldn't take it anymore... not again. I snapped and..
Alex mule kicks Scott off of him in the groin area. The experienced prisoner immediately reaches for his shiv and slashes at Alex cutting him across the chest. But Alex doesn't seem to feel any pain. But explodes dropping his adversary with a vicious series of clubbing blows to the head. Scott falls and Alex hops on top slamming the man's head on the cement floor several times before noticing the shiv. With a dark, ill intentioned smile Alex picks up the weapon and drives it home again and again into the groin of his cell mate. Screaming at him while he delivers blow after blow.
Alexander Richards: Scream for me! Scream for me! Who's the bitch now Scott? My name is Alexander Richards.. and YOU WILL NOT FUCK WITH ME! C'mon scream... I like it when you scream...
Alexander tosses the bloody weapon through the bars. Before pressing his face against them screaming now at his fellow prisoners.
Alexander Richards: Who's next? Anyone else? Anyone else? Anyone else think they can tell me what to do? They can make me suck their dick? I didn't fucking think so! You all ain't man enough to take me on! I'm the fucking man around here now!
Alexander laughs just then... as the guards finally come to take him away to solitary, and his cell mate away to the infirmary.
Narrator: (Alex) For the first time in my life I felt like I was in control of it. If I wanted something I took it. I used intimidation and fear to get what I wanted. It worked in prison and once I was released.. after 20 months with time tacked on for that attack I continued to use fear to get what I wanted. I figured I would strike first and no one else would be able to come at me. I had so much rage I just let it take over. I let it control me. I didn't care about anyone except myself and no one cared about me either. I didn't deserve anyone liking me, or caring about me. I was a bully, I was a thug. I saw what I did to Scott in prison and saw how well it worked. But I never stopped to think about whether it was right or not. Whether it was worth protecting myself from the monsters by becoming a demon instead.
Rebecca goes quiet, as if lost in thought. Alex turns to her, considering her possible response. But instead he rushes on not wanting to risk what she might have said in response to that.
Narrator:(Alex) I returned to the world of wrestling and eventually joined a major wrestling federation. Where my life changed again during a man for the hardcore title. I'm not gonna talk about the match but I will talk about the ending where my future tag team partner, a man named Oblivion, ran in and nailed me upside the head a bunch with a steel chair. You ever been knocked out and concussed? If you have I totally recommend self medicating with as much alcohol and pills as you can find! Because when I did that I was finally myself! I finally did every crazy thing I ever thought of, but was afraid other people would think was stupid. I traveled around the country in a van, I closed every bar, I was the life of every party. Then I sobered up and..
Alexander Richards walks into a 7-11. An angry expression on his face.
Narrator: (Alex) Of course I was angry. I was a rookie drinker at the time and still hated hangovers then. You gotta learn to respect the hangover or else you'll never get anywhere as a functionally alcoholic.
But anyways Alexander walks in wearing a black cut off jeans and a black muscle shirt that appears to have the word “run” written on it in a font that looks like dripping blood. He approaches the front counter. Turning his attention towards the clerk he taps impatiently on the counter. Fixing the man with a stare until he hurries over.
Clerk: What can I get you sir?
Alexander Richards: Cigars... your finest cigars... now. Give me a hundred.
The clerk opens up the cabinet. Alexander takes this opportunity to lean over the counter and spit on the big bite hot dogs in the warmer just because. The clerk looks like he notices but decides not to say anything.
Clerk: I just need to see some identification.
Alexander Richards: Are you stupid?
Clerk: Sir, I could get fired if I don't..
Alexander Richards: You think a man like me carries ID? I don't want you to know who I am in case I decide I don't like you. And I decide to do something to you. Something unspeakable.. something...
Alexander's mug suddenly displays a pained expression.
Alexander Richards: No... I'll be back..
Alexander walks to the back of the store, to the fridge.. where he notices a 6 pack of Budweiser beer. He shakes his head and goes for the 12 pack instead. He starts pounding beer one after another.
Alex Richards: This beer is boring!
Alex goes over to the slurpie machine and notices a mop bucket nearby. He dumps out the water and adds in some grape slurpie.. then the remaining beers.. then a bottle of cough syrup because why not.
Alex Richards: Someday rappers are gonna rip me off. But fuck that this is real purple drank!
Narrator: (Alex) Okay fine.. I didn't say that. But it's my story damnit!
Alex drinks down the whole disgusting mixture then walks back to the counter where the shocked clerk is staring dumbfounded.
Alex Richards: Now that's a party! You want to party? Here's some money to party!
Alex reaches into his pocket, pulls out three hundred dollar bills and places them on the counter.
Alex Richards: Say you ever go milk crate bowling... the secret is you leave the milk in the crate because it explodes on impact if you hit it hard enough! That's it.. I convinced myself! I'm doing it!
Clerk: I'm done in ten minutes.
Alex Richards: Then you're coming with me buddy! Where's Zach at.. I know he would enjoy this!
Alex thinks for a second.. then pulls out another 50 dollars.. for the milk. He leaves the 7-11 carrying many many jugs of milk a huge satisfied smile on his face.
Alex Richards: And right there I made my choice. Some people might say I'm a fuck up. They might say I can't be serious. But I bring fun and excitement every I go to everyone I meet! And you know.. that's a pretty good thing to have to offer. At least the best I got. I mean.. I could have spent my life pissed off at the world, convinced I was dealt a bad hand. But I realized.. I don't gotta live like that. I don't gotta be that guy. That's why joining the Guardians meant so much to me. The chance to do good while hanging out with some of my best friends. That's a little slice of Pastafarian Heaven. I'm just a normal, okay really really really weird guy, who always wanted to save the world but never knew he used to or could. The Guardians change that.
Alex awaits Rebecca's response. Rebecca touches her face, also as if she's remembering something dark and twisted from her own past. She collects herself and finally speaks.
Rebecca Thatch: Some of the things you used to be were pretty screwed up.
Alex Richards: I know, and I understand if you don't want to see me again. But I wanted you to know the real me, all of me. I don't hide who I am from people I don't know, why would I hide it from you. I.. I.. really like you.
Rebecca Thatch: Like I said.. some of the things you did were pretty screwed up. But some people deserve it. Sometimes it's the only solution. Then again sometimes it isn't. The key is knowing the difference. And I really like you too Alex. Why else do you think I would keep putting myself into danger with you?
Alex looks overjoyed and reaches across the table hugging Rebecca, who returns the embrace.
Rebecca Thatch: Now.. are we gonna do it on the table here?
Alex Richards: I thought that was my line.
Rebecca Thatch: No, definitely my line. I can't see the disapproving expressions on everyone's faces after all.
Alex sweeps the coffee mugs off the table. As Rebecca laughs.
Rebecca Thatch: You do know I was joking, right?
Alex Richards: I was hoping you were serious..
Rebecca Thatch: Alex! Do you really think our first time should be at some chain coffee shop?
Alex Richards: I knew I should have taken you skydiving instead. That was my original plan.
Rebecca slaps Alex on the shoulder again.
Rebecca Thatch: Why didn't you?
Alex Richards: My brother informed me that a blind woman probably wouldn't enjoy that.
Rebecca Thatch: Why did you take advice from him exactly? Do you like roller coasters?
Alex Richards: Is that even a real question.
Rebecca Thatch: Well I love roller coasters. You know what the best part of a rollercoaster is... you never know what's coming next!
Alex Richards: You're right! I love those ones in the dark... with the tunnels and..
Rebecca Thatch: So if you're blind and go skydiving.. it's like the world's most exciting rollercoaster.. you literally never know where you're going to end up.
Alex Richards: You're perfect.. let's go.
Rebecca Thatch: How are we going skydiving on this short of notice?
Alex Richards: We're taking the Strange Rover of course... my truck is awesome.
Rebecca Thatch: It..
Alex Richards: Of course it does. Nicky created it.. oh, you don't know Nicky Tesla?
Rebecca Thatch: You're something else aren't you?
Alex Richards: No one else like me.
Rebecca Thatch: Think my dog would like to skydive? I mean PETA did sort of get wiped out because of the wave after all.
Alex Richards: You are too perfect. And maybe if we give him a drink or two.
The couple get up to leave but Alex stops her with a hand on her shoulder.
Alex Richards: I have something for you. I was thinking about bringing you roses. But this is post Wave times. So I got something more practical.
Alex reaches under the table and pulls out his gold tipped tricked out pimp cane from the adventure with 8-Bit a few weeks ago. If this confuses you you should totally check out that. Like right now. See Mick Foley isn't the only one who does cheap plugs. Alex hands the cane to Rebecca, who looks a little puzzled as she feels her new gift.
Rebecca Thatch: You do know I already have a cane right, Alex?
Alex Richards: Not like this one..
Rebecca Thatch: It is a lot heavier than the usual cane of this size.
Alex Richards: Press the button on the tip of the handle.
Rebecca does and immediately fires a round from the end of the pimp right through the table! She looks absolutely stunned as Alex roars in delight.
Alex Richards: I was wondering to myself do I get the pimp cane or the shotgun. Then I thought... why not do both!
The man behind the counter does not look impressed. He quickly sprints over towards the shotgunning duo.
Alex Richards: Don't worry I'll pay for damages.
Server: You have to leave.
Rebecca turns towards him and answers in a meek voice.
Rebecca Thatch: I'm sorry.. I didn't notice my finger touched the button.
The server looks at the blind lady and probably thinks this is going to make his business look bad. So he promptly backtracks.
Server: It's okay miss. In this world it's natural a person in your situation would need something for self defense. Just please be more careful.
The server walks away as Rebecca leans into Alex and whispers.
Rebecca Thatch: Guide my hand and aim it at the capacino machine.
Alex smiles and does just that. Rebecca presses the trigger again and again. The machine explodes in a spray of foam and smoke.
Rebecca Thatch: A girl could get used to something like this.
The server walks over again.. this time more slowly, more reserved, more careful. Alex and Rebecca save him the trouble. They walk towards the door Alex leaving a stack of cash on the table before they go.
Rebecca Thatch: Why the money?
Alex Richards: It's a point of honor for me Becky. You always pay for damages. I might need to win the 100 grand tournament just to pay for the damages I'm going to incur during the victory party.
Rebecca Thatch: We are going to incur during the victory party.
Alex Richards: You're my kind of woman Becky.
Part 2: Dealing With The Present
Narrator: (SZR) Alex thought I would be disappointed since I didn't get to go on this trip so he offered to let me do the narration. He doesn't know I was actually quite happy to spend a quiet night at home with the wife. We went out for lattes at Starbucks. Which was surprisingly undamaged. I'm taking that to mean Alex's date went well. Actually I know Alex's date went well because I'm narrating this scene where Alex is flying over the skyline of Chicago in his specially modified truck. I've asked to see the plans. Alex either doesn't have them or isn't sharing. Either way I have no idea why Alex has a flying truck. But anyhow Alex is driving err.. flying the Strange Rover.. sort of at least as it appears he isn't behind the wheel at all but instead is behind Rebecca covering her eyes with his hands.
Alex Richards: Guess who?
Rebecca Thatch: Paul.. is that you?
Alex retorts in frustration.
Alex Richards: I knew it! I knew you had a thing for Paul Rudd!
Rebecca Thatch: Or I just said that because I know you're the only other one in this vehicle.
Alex Richards: Oh right... sorry.
Rebecca Thatch: I do have concerns however. If you're behind me... then who exactly is flying the truck.
Rebecca giggles.
Rebecca Thatch: I can't believe I just said flying a truck. But seriously did you get someone else to drive? I didn't hear anyone else stomping around.
Alex Richards: It's the autopilot.
Rebecca Thatch: You have an autopilot?
Alex Richards: Nicky does good work. It was pretty much necessary though. I needed the autopilot because I hate drunk drivers but I love drinking. Normally I get my brother Zach to drive because I also don't like drinking alone most of the time. But you know.. when a great idea strikes... do you want to wait?
Rebecca Thatch: Of course not.
Alex Richards: And by the time you sober up you might forget it. Hence the auto pilot. I can get there, do my thing and then pass out on the way back.
Rebecca Thatch: So you're saying if I wanted to go skydiving in Hollywood...
Alex Richards: I'm saying.. I already set a course.
Rebecca Thatch: So... you do have your uses.
Alex Richards: Stick with me Becky and I'll show you adventures you never even dreamed of.
Rebecca Thatch: Challenge accepted.
Alex Richards: Now I know a few minutes ago you were asking me what I needed to do as a professional wrestler. Part of it is promoting my match. So I figure on the flight over perhaps I'll entertain my lady by talking about my matches this week. How does that sound?
Rebecca Thatch: Love it.
Alex Richards: One night tournament... for one hundred thousand dollars... eight man... one winner. Sounds pretty good, right? Just one problem. I suck in tournaments. Really really suck in tournaments. Competed in the UCI world title tournament, lost in the first round. In my previous federation I competed twice in the king of trios tournament. Lost in the first round the first time and in the semi finals the second. Competed in the Trilogy Cup, was defeated in the semi finals. Competed in the Classic tournament for the United States Championship got outed in the second round. Like I said.. I really suck in tournaments.
Rebecca Thatch: I would have thought promoting yourself would be a little more positive.
Alex Richards: Well Becky, I'm just telling the truth. See, I know my record in tournaments is spotty at best. But look at the other seven people in the tournament and look at how many tournaments they have won. But I'll bet they won't admit that. They won't even mention it. You know what else they won't mention. Out of the seven opponents in this tournament I already have victories over four of them! Say anyone else say that? Erin Fausse, Kyle Cameron, Dustin Beaver, and just last week, Taylor Wright.
Alex's lip tighten at the thought of his rival.
Alex Richards: I have won 5 matches in a row! I have never been pinned, never have submitted in a match. Unlike that punk Wright who whined for mercy... whined for me to stop.. then re paid my kindness by destroying the Sloshed Pit.
Rebecca Thatch: I was wondering why we didn't go there.
Alex Richards: But I'll get to Wright later. I have to remember how bad I have been in tournaments so I don't get overconfident. Because looking at the field who else besides myself can be considered the favorite?
Alex thinks for a second..
Alex Richards: How about my first round opponent, the leader of the Guardians, Polar Phantasm? You know the more of I about it, the more I think David Sanchez probably bribed Wentworth into scheduling myself and the Phantasm in the first round of the tournament. Because if we were in opposite sides of the bracket we would be a virtual lock to face off in the finals. So Scamchez probably either begged, paid or blackmailed Wendy into putting us against each other in the first round on the other side of the bracket to keep us away from him.
Rebecca Thatch: You know.. I could see him doing that. You know not only did he have the Chicago Center for the Blind closed down but he had a sign put on the door in braille no less that said sucks to be you.
Alex Richards: Or it could be Davey boy and Wendy decided if they made the Guardians fight for a lot of money maybe we would break it over it. I know, that sounds pretty stupid. And petty. And selfish. But you gotta know that the Syndicate members in this tournament would absolutely back stab each other over money. That's the difference between Bonnie, Polar and myself and David, Erin, and Taylor. See if you're a Guardian.. you need something the other Guardians will make sure you have it. The Syndicate is every man for themselves. The Guardians.. well one of us are gonna win this tournament but we will all be there to celebrate. The Syndicate if Sanchez wins he'll probably spend all the money on a giant ball to crown himself king and make his subjects in the Syndicate attend but other then that if anyone else wins David probably won't even let them acknowledge it. That's why one of us are winning. We are all happy if someone else in the Guardians succeeds, the Syndicate is nothing but in fighting, and arguing and.. Don't believe me. What happened to their former television champion? Think she ended up buried under a building somewhere? Because I do.
Rebecca Thatch: What are you going to do with the money when you win?
Alex Richards: Polar and I had an agreement. We were gonna spend the whole 100k on fireworks.
Rebecca Thatch: Seriously? Get some of the ones that scream all the way across the sky. And the ones that make the big boom. Those are my favorites.
Alex Richards: What my lady wants, my lady gets. But I just want to blow the money for a very simple reason. To send a message to Wentworth. I'm not for sale! I don't need your money! I don't want your money! I'm not in this for the money, I'm in this because I want that monkey off my back! I want to finally win a tournament! And dashing the Syndicate's dreams of winning and getting a little payback on them. That's just an added bonus.
Alex takes a drink from a boot of Zim-Quila. There's always a boot.
Rebecca Thatch: I can hear you drinking... share!
Alex goes red in the face and mumbles an I'm sorry to Rebecca. He then mixes a drink for the lady handing it to her before continuing.
Alex Richards: First thing is first though. I have to get past my teammate, my leader Polar Phantasm. Him and Bonnie are the first ever tag team champions. He main evented Election Day. Polar is fondly remembered by members of every team he has ever led. And Polar... beating the hell out of you is gonna be a whole lot of fun! That's what I'm all about. Throwing down with people you hate is one thing but throwing down with your friends... that's my idea of a fun Saturday night! Hell, you don't know who's back you're watching or who's watching your back until you fought them! You don't know who's got the bragging rights. And damnit, I want those bragging rights! When the tournament is over.. I will have kicked Polar Phantasm's ass! Don't get me wrong, it's gonna be a war. I don't think this is gonna be easy at all. In fact this first round match could be my toughest match of the tournament. We're gonna beat the shit out of each other and when it's all over.. we're gonna drink together and celebrate my victory. Sorry Polar. I love you and all but this is my tournament to win and I intend to do so!
Alex looks over at Rebecca who is drinking a Zim-Quila.. out of a boot with a straw.
Alex Richards: Becky.. I gotta teach you how to drink.
Rebecca Thatch: What? I'm a lady. We can't all be savages like you.
Alex Richards: I am pretty lucky ain't I?
Rebecca shakes her head. As Alex begins to get serious.
Alex Richards: Then there's the other competitors in the tournament.. like my possible second round opponent Dustin Beaver. I still remember our last match Dustin, where I hit you with the Sanity Slip and scored the pinfall. I have to ask you Dustin. What's changed since then? I saw you at Beachmania you were relying on a distraction from Wade Moor to help you beat Jayden Thunder. Didn't my teammates Bonnie and Polar beat Thunder in like ten seconds? What did I do at Beachmania? I beat your opponent in one of the most brutal matches in the UCI. A fight so brutal even Jayson Price didn't want any part of that. He washed his hands of it. But I fought in it and I won. So I ask you Beaver, what have you done to convince me or anyone else you're gonna win this time. And while you're on the subject of you I have to admit, I don't quite trust you. You and Wade Moor getting back together at the now defunct Beach Krew's namesake show. Yeah, it doesn't take a rocket scientist. And I'm not definitely not a rocket scientist to know something is up. So I figure maybe a little warning is in order. Let you know what might happen if you decide to go from volunteering in homeless shelters to plots of world domination like your elk was up to in the past. I'm watching you Beaver.. and don't take I can't take you down if you get out of line. But to be honest, I'm hoping you lose in the first round.
Rebecca Thatch: Why's that?
Alex Richards: You think I don't want another shot at Taylor Wright after what he did. You're lucky I'm here with my girl Taylor. I would be much much angrier at you. But know this Taylor.. Becky isn't gonna be at ringside. That means if you get past Dustin I can unleash all that anger on you. And I have a lot of anger about the way you destroyed my bar. See if you would have won it, then destroyed it, that would have been one thing. You would have won it fair and square and it would have been yours to do with what you like. I mean.. I still wouldn't have liked it. But I had my chance to defend it and failed. But I didn't fail. I beat you to the point where you begged me to stop. Then I had the chance to end your life. You told me I had to kill you. But I spared you. You know why Taylor?
Alex pauses for a beat.
Alex Richards: To give you the chance to change. I was like you, once, Taylor. I decided I didn't have to live like that. I didn't have to be that way. Well neither do you, Wright. You have two choices, either you can keep on being Sanchez's lap dog. You can keep on working for somebody who doesn't give a damn about you. Or you can change your life for the better. This week I'm going to show you what you mean to Sanchez. Absolutely nothing. See I know that idea about burning down the Sloshed Pit didn't come from you. It came from Sanchez. And as usual you followed orders. I'm going to show you where that gets you. Because David isn't going to take that beating as payback. You are. At least you are first. And while I'm beating on you, torturing you, destroying you I'll let you scream, I'll let you call for the Syndicate. Because I know they aren't going to help you. They don't give a damn about you. When the match is over.. do me a favor. Crawl to the dressing room and ask why. Ask why you had to take the heat. Ask why no one helped you when it was obvious you were defeated. Because the answer is obvious. They don't care about you Wright. You're simply cannon fodder for the machine. Unless you choose to be more.
Rebecca Thatch: Okay so this is a tournament. Who do you think you're going to face in the finals?
Alex Richards: Not Kyle Cameron. I mean shouldn't I be the ACTUAL world champion. I did thrash him. And quite easily at that. But I'm not making a fuss. I'd rather win a real title. You know like the world title. Like as in the world title I have a number one contender's match for in two weeks. Kyle can keep his ACTUAL title. Even though it's basically the wrestling version of a participation ribbon. Hell, even Andre Jansen should actually be the ACTUAL champion. He won that match and because of a bogus referee's decision he got screwed out of the win. I do want to find that ref though. He probably has the good drugs and I want some. But I won't be facing Cameron in the finals because he doesn't already have the money spent, he already has his next excuse ready for when he loses.
Alex smiles thinking of his next possible opponent.
Alex Richards: Like Polar, facing Bonnie Blue is an honor. She's someone who could easily win this tournament like Polar. And like Polar she's gonna have the bad luck to face me in the tournament. Sorry Bonnie, enjoy those tag titles because I'm taking home this tournament. I'm not going to talk a lot of trash about my fellow Guardians. We all know how good each other are. But this is gonna be my moment. My way to build momentum going into the biggest match of my career so far in the UCI. Sorry Bonnie, you aren't gonna deny me.
Alex smiles again, this time more sinisterly.
Alex Richards: Then there's Erin Fausse. First how's your mouth? Second, why are you in this tournament instead of Andre Holmes who basically destroyed you at Beachmania. And finally, I just want to say... after messing with Andre's head about his family you got what you deserved. See Erin, you're nothing but a con artist. The first time you faced Andre he underestimated you, and you got the win. The second time he made no such mistake. He not only defeated you. But he did it definitively. The first time we fought Erin, you were able to take advantage of a mistake and pin the third person in our match Bonnie and advance in the world title tournament. Then in our re match, a tag team match I made no such mistakes. I knew how sneaky you were. I knew what you would be up to. Even to the point where I tagged out to Teddy when I had your partner Kyle Kemp down and out just so I could kick you in the head and abort your dirty tricks. If we met in the finals.. what do you have for me? You're a one trick pony. All you have is the mind games. All you have are the cheap shots. I stop that.. you have nothing! From the minute our first match finished I said I was the better man, I knew I was the better man. If you make the finals.. I prove what I already know.
Rebecca Thatch: So no matter who you're facing... we get fireworks afterwards?
Alex Richards: I knew you were a smart women, Becky. That leaves only one man. The man I want to face more than anyone else in this tournament. David Sanchez... please make the finals. I'll get down on my knees and beg you to get to the finals. Because you're the man who closed the center for the blind, you're the man who encourages the gangs, you're the man behind the destruction of my bar, you're the man who banned religion. YOU'RE THE MAN WHO'S RUINING CHICAGO... MY FUCKING CITY! NOT YOURS! IT'S FUCKING MINE! AND IT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING PLAYGROUND ANY LONGER. So David.. grow some balls and finally face me. I know you'll probably lose on purpose to avoid facing me. Because let's be real Sanchez, you have never wanted to face me. I remember in that previous federation I won a number one contender's match for the United States Championship. The title you held. And you instantly, and repeatedly stated I didn't deserve a title shot. You gave title shots to guys I defeated to earn that title shot but not me. Why not Scamchez? Because you knew I was more than you were going to be able to handle. You knew the longer you ducked me, the longer you would remain champion. You ran Sanchez.. and you kept running. You didn't have to face me then. But things are much much worse for you now. Back then it was for a title. I mean I like titles and all. Chicks dig titles.
Rebecca Thatch: And you need to keep picking up chicks, why?
Alex Richards: I was just making a point. Wait.. why are you jealous? You're the hot one. But like I was saying. The united States title was a prize worth fighting for. But fighting for the people of Chicago? Fighting for their rights? David Sanchez, you're gonna learn you were right to avoid me in the past. Because if you make the tournament finals all your worst nightmares are gonna come true. I hope you do make the finals, I truly do. But on your way to the ring.. go find Wright and ask what happened to him when he fought me. And know this... I hold you responsible for his actions.
Rebecca Thatch: Your GPS just said we were here. That can't be right.
Alex Richards: Time flies when you're having fun. You're gonna learn Becky, the more time you spend with Alex Richards.. the less sense things are gonna make. I'm a strange dude.
Rebecca Thatch: What if I like strange.
Alex Richards: Then you're gonna be very happy.
Alex gives Rebecca a hug then can't resist finishing his last line.
Alex Richards: This Sunday.. I'm going to light the fuse, I'm going to cause the big boom, I'm going to be responsible for the fireworks everyone in Chicago can see... no matter where we are this week because 100 grand buys a lot of fireworks! When this tournament is over.. I will have stopped my tournament losing streak, I will have cracked my curse, and most importantly I will have proved the Syndicate are a bunch of frauds.
Rebecca Thatch: Shall we jump?
Alex Richards: I thought you'd never ask.
Fade to Black
Narrator:(SZR) Ha! I tricked you didn't I? You thought the title not another failed date meant the date was gonna go badly. But it didn't.. it really wasn't another bad date! Okay.. I'll show myself out.