Beauty And The Beast (Episode 2 of 5)
Jul 31, 2016 9:32:25 GMT -6
The Polar Phantasm and Bonnie Blue like this
Post by Alex Richards on Jul 31, 2016 9:32:25 GMT -6
Our scene fades with a shot of the Wicker Park area with Alex Richards and his half brother Shaun Zach wandering down a relatively busy street near dark.
SZR: Well this is a surprise.
Alex Richards: What?
SZR: You walking the streets of Chicago.
Alex Richards: Eh, I do my best thinking while walking around. Besides this is my city.
SZR: You mean you do this all the time?
Alex Richards: Absolutely Zach.
SZR: How come you never ask me to come with you?
Alex Richards: I mean, its just walking and thinking. I wouldn't ask people to come out and be bored and depressed with me.
SZR: Yeah... you definately don't seem like yourself lately Alex.
Alex Richards: Eh, I am fine.
SZR: I'm your brother. I know you better than that. Is it because Jay left town?
Alex Richards: Sort of. Jay is my best friend and he goes across the galaxy because of a women. You know how much love you gotta have for someone to do that? I mean would you risk death for your wife Zach?
Shaun answers without a second thought.
SZR: Yes.
Alex Richards: See.. that's what real love is. That;s what you have. That's what Jay has. That's what Polar and Nightmare have. Speaking of women.. why does Debra never appear on television with you Zach? Is she camera shy?
SZR: Well she probably does not want to get arrested, or in a fight, or jump off a bridge or..
Alex laughs.
Alex Richards: We do a lot of awesome stuff don't we Zach?
SZR: Do you do that stuff because you're alone though bro?
Alex Richards: Of course not! But it would be nice to have someone to do that stuff with. Don;t get me wrong.. joining the Guardians was the best decision I ever made in life. But every week we risk death. What if I'm wrong. What if I don't live to be a hundred and five. What if I die... and die alone?
SZR: You're not alone Alex. You have the Guardians.. you have me.
Alex Richards: I know Zach. But it would be nice to have someone who really understands me. Seeing people who have what I want kind of bums me out. I ain't jealous, they all deserve to be happy. But I kinda wanna be happy too. That's why... we are getting really drunk with Steven Osbourne tonight!
Shaun groans.
SZR: That guy is such an asshole.
Alex Richards: Something epic is gonna happen tonight Zach! I can feel it!
SZR: With Steven it's probably an STD.
Alex Richards: STD of awesomeness!
SZR: No.. they aren't.
Alex Richards: I;ll have to talk with Nicky sometime. See if he can;t cook one up!
Shaun rolls his eyes as Alex tries to continue ignoring his problems. A merchant steps out of the Final Grounds, his coffee shop carrying a cup of something.
Owner: Hey! Alex! Haven't seen you in a few weeks! Have a new drink just for you! Super peanut butter espresso! Six shots of espresso, and 6 reeces peanut butter cups!
Alex Richards: Yolo Adrian! That's my jam!
Alex takes the drink.. raises it over his head and high fives the owner as he continues along his way. When out of view he hands the beverage to Shaun.
SZR: You can't stand espresso can you?
Alex Richards: Nope.
SZR: That guy always gives you some strange espresso drink.
Alex Richards: Yep.
SZR: Why don't you tell him?
Alex Richards: It makes him happy. You know Zach I did a lot of bad stuff in my past. Why not try and make people laugh. Do some good.
SZR: But they don;t really know you.
Alex Richards: Maybe they wouldn't like me if they did. But they do like me. Cause I;m the funny guy.
Alex suddenly smiles widely, his whole face lights up. His voice drops and he whispers to Shaun.
Alex Richards: Would you look at her. Have you ever seen someone so beautiful?
Alex;s eyes focus in on a petite raven haired beauty. With big jugs because guys like those. The pale skinned, slender woman walks her black labrador seemingly without a care in the world her white cane out in front of her.
SZR: The blind chick?
Alex looks at his brother in disbelief.
Alex Richards: Rebecca Thatch is not just the blind chick. How many blind chicks do you see walking the streets of Chicago after dark? What a bad ass! Do you see anyone daring to fuck with her? I don't think so! So beautiful... so fearless..
SZR: So why don;t you go talk to her then?
Alex Richards: You're kidding right? What chance does a guy like me have with Rebecca?
SZR: So you never talk to her.
Alex Richards: Of course I wouldn't bother her.
SZR: So how do you know her name then?
Alex Richards: She was at the Sloshed Pit and I had John i.d. Her when she got a drink.
SZR: And you;re scared to talk to her still?
Alex Richards: Umm...
SZR: Looks like someone isn't fearless...
Alex takes a playful swing at his brother.
Alex Richards: Fuck you! You judgy married types are all the same! You don;t know how easy you got it!
SZR: Yeah... but we took our shot at some point.
Alex thinks for a minute.. then his shoulders slump as he notices she has faded out of sight.
Alex Richards: Maybe some other time.
Just then Steven Osbourne appears out of nowhere! Tonight wearing an all pink spandex outfit that leaves nothing to the imagination.. you can shudder here. He is also still wearing his HWA world title belt.
SZR: Why do you wear a title belt in public?
Shaun asks the question everyone else wanted to.
Steven Osbourne: Chicks dig the gold.. obviously.
Alex Richards: Do you take it off while peeing?
Steven Osbourne: I have a trick. When we use the bathroom later I;ll show you.
Alex Richards: Not enough booze exists for me to do that. And I drink 24/7
Steven Osbourne: Your loss Alex.
SZR: Why are you here anyways?
Steven Osbourne: I;m paying a debt! Two weeks ago I asked Alex to be my wing man during his dating service video and it worked! You wouldn't believe how much sex I've been getting lately! I've been swimming a pool of pussy, I've been stranded on the island of vag, I've been..
SZR: Urg.. we get it.
Steven Osbourne: So I;m gonna pay it forward and get Alex some action tonight.
SZR: And you think this is a good idea, Alex?
Alex Richards: With how I have been doing lately I'll take any help I can get!
Steven Osbourne: All you gotta do is listen to me and you'll totally score! Trust me..
SZR: Why would anyone trust..
Steven Osbourne: No comments from the married crew thank you! This is a singles night only! I mean two guys trying to pick up are one thing. But adding in a married guy. That's just sleazy.
SZR: Are you sure this is a good idea Alex?
Alex Richards: I've had worse.
SZR: Like what?
Alex Richards: Do it yourself port a potty plumbing.
SZR: Yeah that was a bad night. Have fun. Call me if you're in jail. I might... bail you out.
Alex Richards: Why do you always say that?
SZR: Why do you always get arrested?
Alex Richards: Some people don't know a fun time when they see it.
Shaun laughs and waves heading off for the night. As Steven directs Alex in the direction of a showy looking bar named Classy Tonys
Alex Richards: Why this bar? I hear Classy Tony is a douchebag?
Steven Osbourne: He is and that's a good thing! One less person for you to compete with tonight! Besides that's not why we;re here!
Alex looks around and notices the shag carpeting and leopard print chairs everywhere.
Alex Richards: We're gonna let a real leopard run loose in here? Awesome!
Steven Osbourne: What? No!
Alex Richards: Well that sucks. You were pointing at the wall. I could have sworn we were on the same page.
Steven Osbourne: Yeah... at the sign.
Steven points again this time clearly at a sign that states Open Mic Night.
Steven Osbourne: Too easy. We are gonna sit back and wait for the hot chicks to start trying to sing. Wait until someone is both truly hot and truly horrible. Then you defend them from the booing crowd. Bingo. Instant white knight. Instant panty drop. Its just that easy.
Alex Richards: I have a better idea.
Steven Osbourne: Dude.. don't go off script! You never go off script!
But Alex doesn't listen. He also doesn't wait. He simply charges the stage and grabs the mic starting into his act.
Click Here To Listen To Alex's performance
seriously not a joke.. that line above is a link.. so click that..
Alex gets off stage, and quickly pounds a drink. Even getting booed by the bartender who serves him. And two random women he passes. He looks around for Steven and doesn't see him anywhere. However two of the ugly chairs have been turned over in the area and two people appear to be sex undernearth of them, the man wearing a lot of pink clothing. Alex decides to leave. He walks out the door looking disappointed back into the night.
Alex Richards: I should have known it was gonna go badly. Luckily I have a back up plan.. drinking Zim-Quila until I forget about the rejection! Or pass out. Wait... better idea.
Alex goes into his ever present doctor;s bag and pulls out a bottle of Zim-Quila. He takes a swig then pours the rest on himself promptly going invisible.
Alexa Richards: I gotta hand it to me. If you want to just be left alone this is the absolute best way.
Alexa begins the walk back to where ever he left the Strange Rover. His adventuring done for the night. At least it would have been. Until we see two shady, scruffy looking middle aged men dragging behind them a black lab who obviously doesn't appear to want to come with them.
Man 1: This is the best job we ever had!
Man 2: This is the only job we ever had!
Man 1: Well it's hard for ex cons to get jobs. We's only good at beating people up.
Man 2: Yeah but anyone can do this job. Alls we gotta do is put down strays. 50 bucks a dog. Straight from the mayor;s office himself. Never thought I'd be working for the government.
Man 1: I thought we were doing good when we offed that British bulldog a few hours ago. But when we see this guy outside the washroom and bingo extra pay day!
Alexa Richards: Wait a second.. that's Rebecca's dog. And even if it isn't.. that's fucked up killing people's dogs.
Man 2: you fucking hear something?
Man 1 doesn't respond. He simply flies through the air seemingly tossed by an invisible force... go figure. The second man looks around for someone but simply slumps to the ground cold cocked by a sucker punch.
Alexa Richards: Fighting people while invisible just don;t seem fair. C'mon boy.. not safe for me to leave you out here. I'll take you back to the Strange Rover until Becky comes for you.
Alexa picks up the seeing eye dog leaving a final image of a confused dog floating through the air in the direction of the strange rover.
The Next Day
Alex Richards walks into the Sloshed Pit with the black lab dog on a leash. The fact that this doesn;t raise a single eyebrow tells you what type of place the Sloshed Pit is if you didn't already know. Alex decides to take the dog into the back room where he hears firmilar voices. Since it is early in the day and the bar is closed this is a weird thing. He bursts in noticing Bonnie Blue, Armand De La Fountaine, and Hophni sitting around a table looking at some sort of photos.
Alex Richards: Oh cmon guys! You should have called me if we were supposed to meet up here!
Bonnie Blue: We did call you. Your answering machine message said your phone was off because you wanted to get black out drunk and bowl hand grenades at Wrigley Field.
Armand De La Fountaine: I even stopped by. There were only kids smoking reefer there.
Alex Richards: Change of plans. I already did that before and I hate repeating myself.
Hophni: I tried to communiate with you telepathically but something was blocking us! Perhaps your chi isn't open enough.
Bonnie Blue: You're here now so let me feel you in. These are stolen satellite photos of a few select building in Chinatown.
Armand De La Fountaine: Not randomly selected photos of course. These building are important because..
Bonnie begins to point at the photo, discribing details, pointing out weak spots they can exploit. Armand chimes in with advice of his own.
Alex Richards: Time out.
The world freezes for everyone but Alex who looks around the back room.
Alex Richards: This back room has exactly enough room for one table that sits eight people maximum, and one couch in the corner. I designed it this way so I would always have both a place to play poker, and a place to pass out if I drank enough at the Sloshed Pit. Most people would say drinking until you pass out is too much. Those people are wrong. In fact.
Alex points to a sloppy hand carved sign on the wall expressing the same sentiment.
Alex Richards: I carved that myself to decorate my office back here. Then I did away with the usual desk, copier, and other such crap because that;s just not who I am!
Alex walks out into the main bar area, then goes behind the counter.
Alex Richards: You see this bar top... doesn't matter how hard you slam your beer down it it will never break! I tested it myself. Over a hundred times! That;s the kind of effort I put into the Sloshed Pit! And the alcohol.. I created my own alcohol, the exceptionally strange and potent brew of Zim-Quila. Nothing gets you drunker, faster, and with a bigger hangover then Zim-Quila. Most people don't like hangovers but I view them as a badge of honor! That pounding headache in the morning means you accomplished something! Then there is the other alcohols.. I picked each and every one of them out by myself! Every bar has vodka, tequila, rum, beer, whiskey, gin, etc. My bar has those of course. But what other bar has three penis vodka? What other bar has snake and scorpion infused wine? You ever have pizza beer? I have pizza beer! Steak and eggs breakfast whiskey? Bacon Tequila? I could spend hours talking about all the different alcohols I have made or found! Does any other bar in the world have a pit leading to the basement in order to settle fights? You know why I did that? Means that no one fights outside of the bar, and all fights are fair fights. Plus I reserved the right to fight the winner so if I wanted to brawl.. instant brawl. A place where me and my friends can drink and fight any time we want! What more could a guy want? The band on stage.. Temporal Wonkiness.. I recruited the members myself! I stock the jukebox! I programmed it so it would spout random songs randomly because that's fucking hilarious!
Alex looks around.. and smiles proudly.
Alex Richards: People say this is a dive bar! But you know what... this is MY dive bar! Everything about this place screams archduke of mass confusion! You know how much of myself I put into this bar? People... people like Wright and Sanchez would say this is an eye sore, this place is a disgrace, this place needs to be shut down, burned down, destroyed, closed forever. I say you have to get through me in order to do it! This week Taylor Wright gets his chance to do just that. To destroy me, to destroy my dreams, to destroy my bar. This bar... this is all I have. Do you know how hard a man will fight in order to protect something like that?
Alex slams a beer bottle down on the bar top hard shattering the bottle.
Alex Richards: David Sanchez does. That;s why he sent Taylor to fight this battle instead of doing it himself. He knows how hard I am going to fight. Do you think Taylor does? The last time Taylor and I fought I put him out of action for a month. A few weeks earlier Taylor showed up with a couple of goons and trashed my bar. I would have thought he would have received the message... DON'T FUCK WITH THE SLOSHED PIT! But apparently Taylor isn't a quick study. He needs another lesson. He wants to fight me.. in my own bar for the rights to it? Yeah.. that;s pretty stupid isn't it? Everything in this bar that can be used for a weapon I know about it. Because I put it there. Did you know this bar has an ax throwing wall. Well you should have. I think it;s been profiled in the past. How about more damage do you think I can do with an ax Wright? You;re here to shut this bar down to please your boss. Guess what, I;m here to defend this bar because it;s a huge part of my life! Who do you think has the advantage? You are fighting because you are a boot kisser, an apple polisher, a bag licker! I am fighting because I truly love and care for this place! Last time you threatened my bar I put you out of action for a month.
Alex looks at the new jukebox, replacing the one Taylor had previously destroyed.
Alex Richards: You broke a jukebox, I put you in a wheelchair! You want to break everything this time and take over. Do you really know what that;s gonna mean to your health? You didn't even think about it did you? All you thought was how happy it was going to make your boss if you took the Sloshed Pit from me. You should have thought about the risk. You should have thought about what I am going to do to you in order to defend my bar! I won;t let you, Sanchez, God himself shut down this bar! I will fight you with everything I have, with every dirty trick I can think of. From boiling hot grease from the deep fryer, to a pool cue, to the jukebox itself.. to some of those 10 foot speakers on the stage! You thought a good choice was to fight me, for the thing I love most, in the place I know best? Sorry Taylor.. you fucking chose wrong!
Alex grabs a second bottle, this time drinking it before smashing it on the bar as well. But Davis
Alex Richards: Four men in a row have fought and been defeated by the Archduke. Those men fought for titles, those men, like Dustin last week, won titles. All of those men have been doing better in a wrestling ring then you have Taylor. Because besides beating Luke what have you done? Maybe that;s why David wants you to do this. He thinks Jessica Buck is the television champion, Erin Fausse was the first rising star champion and his tag partner. You, Taylor, are expendable. Why else would he put you in this position? You are fucked.. you are so fucked. Have you realized that yet? I will bet when that bar door closes you will realize the mistake you made. Don't worry, I will let you crawl out of the bar, crawl back to your mayor and tell him exactly what happens what you try to take from Alex Richards.
Alex looks more angry.. somehow.
Alex Richards: You know what I think.. I think you guys thought declaring war on the Guardians was a bad idea so you should pick us off one by one instead. You think destroying my bar might destroy me. You think I am the weak link don't you? How could you be that stupid? Because you think I am stupid don't you? You think the fact that I care about a bar made me an easy target. But then the Syndicate fucked up. First you sent Taylor Wright to do a man;s work. Secondly you backed me into a corner where I have nothing to gain and everything to lose. Third you allowed me to pick the scene of the battle. Three strikes.. and when this is over I will toss Taylor out.. of my bar for good. But David.. know this.. when you have failed to take my bar.. I will take from you. With the help of the true mightiest stable on earth we will take Chicago back... from you. This is the first of a long series of battles you are about to lose.
Alex walks back into the back room and calls time in
Bonnie Blue: So Alex can you get the stuff by tonight?
Alex Richards: Sure, how many slinkies do you need again?
Bonnie Blue: So you walk out of the room, pace around for twenty minutes then return with that answer?
Alex Richards: Didn't I pause you guys? C'mon it worked for Zach Morris!
Bonnie shakes her head.
Bonnie Blue: You do know I'm the one who bends time to her will, right?
Alex Richards: It was worth a shot.
Bonnie Blue: You are not good at this planning thing are you?
Alex Richards: I am... just no one likes my plans.
Armand De La Fountaine: Because they don't make any sense!
Hophni: I like your plans!
Bonnie Blue: Don't worry we wrote down what you actually need to bring.
Bonnie hands Alex a piece of paper. Which may or may not be blank.
Alex Richards: So no slinkies?
Hophni: Why no slinkies? I could really use a few thousand slinkies! As a tribute for..
Bonnie Blue: No! No slinkies!
Alex Richards: Okay then. How about I'll bring the alcohol related expolsives, the invisibility, and the ass kicking.
Bonnie grins
Bonnie Blue: That is all we really wanted anyways.
Armand De La Fountaine: We were just messing with you for leaving the meeting. Bonnie's idea.
Bonnie Blue: I do have good ones from time to time.
Alex chuckles and finally actually looks at the pictures before the rest of the Guardians depart out the back door. Alex looks around as if considering his options until he hears a whine from the floor.
Alex Richards: Sorry pooch, I;m not used to dogs. I bet you are thirsty. Hmm.. dogs like beer, right?
Alex and the dog go off into the main section of the bar where he finds a soup bowl, pours a bud lite into it and places it on the floor. The dog sniffs, then laps at the beer.
Alex Richards: I knew if you were Rebecca's dog we would get along great! Now to get back to my original idea... getting black out drunk..
Just then the door flies open and an angry Rebecca Thatch enters the room long black hair swinging, angrily jabbing the air with her white cane. The dog barks excitedly quickly coming to her side.
Rebecca Thatch: Alex Richards! I know you are in here! I can smell the alcohol coming from your pores!
Alex Richards: It's true. The other senses are heightened.
Rebecca turns in the direction of the voice jabbing out with her cane nailing Alex in the family jewels. He lets out an oof and doubles over.
Rebecca Thatch: What kind of a person steals a blind woman;s dog!
Alex Richards: I don't know. I didn't steal your dog. I stole your dog from the guys who stole your dog!
Rebecca Thatch: Did you at least kick their asses?
Alex Richards: Of course I did!
Rebecca Thatch: That's good. Because I was afraid I misjudged you. Last time I came here to meet you you avoided me all night and now you are stealing my dog.
Alex looks absolutely floored.
Alex Richards: Woah... wait.. you came here to meet me? Normally I wouldn't question a smoking hot lady wanting to meet me. But I don;t want to take advantage of you. You are aware that I;m really ugly right? Like stopping traffic ugly.
Rebecca laughs.
Rebecca Thatch: You sure do have a way with the ladies don't you?
Alex Richards: I know.. you are out of my league.
Rebecca Thatch: You know why I wanted to meet you?
Alex Richards: Free shots?
Rebecca Thatch: No.. well maybe. But the real reason I wanted to meet you was because of all the things I heard about you. Everything other people say is too risky, too crazy, too out here to do... you just do it.
Alex Richards: So if I said I was gonna kiss ya..
Rebecca Thatch: I would hit you in the crotch again with my cane.
Alex;s face drops.
Alex Richards: I understand.
Rebecca smiles.
Rebecca Thatch: Fortunately for you.. I enjoyed your singing.
Alex Richards: But everyone was booing me.
Rebecca Thatch: Not everyone.
Rebecca pauses, sniffs the air, then continues.
Rebecca Thatch: You got my dog drunk didn't you?
Alex Richards: It was just one beer.
Rebecca Thatch: How about you make it up to me by buying me lunch? Say 2 o clock at the finest Chinese restaurant in town.
Alex Richards: So the Happy Chicken Chinese buffet?
Rebecca Thatch: I knew you had good taste. C'mon Lennox. See you soon.
Rebecca walks out seeing eye dog in tow as Alex looks on in disbelief.
Alex Richards: Please don't be a dream. Please don;t be a dream.
Alex picks up the final remaining empty bottle and smashes himself over the head with it. Then begins laughing.
Alex Richards: That actually happened. I actually... got... the... girl. I told everyone the way to a women's heart was through song! People should listen to me more often!
Fade to the credits rolling
LOVE, WHATEVER THAT IS
Series conceived by Alex Richards, Bonnie Blue and the Polar Phantasm
Series directed by the Polar Phantasm
Episode 2: Beauty And The Beast
Episode written by Alex Richards
'The Guardians' created by Bonnie Blue, Jay Omega and the Polar Phantasm
(Come home soon, Spaceman.)
[(c) United Championship Infinite 2016. All rights reserved.]
SZR: Well this is a surprise.
Alex Richards: What?
SZR: You walking the streets of Chicago.
Alex Richards: Eh, I do my best thinking while walking around. Besides this is my city.
SZR: You mean you do this all the time?
Alex Richards: Absolutely Zach.
SZR: How come you never ask me to come with you?
Alex Richards: I mean, its just walking and thinking. I wouldn't ask people to come out and be bored and depressed with me.
SZR: Yeah... you definately don't seem like yourself lately Alex.
Alex Richards: Eh, I am fine.
SZR: I'm your brother. I know you better than that. Is it because Jay left town?
Alex Richards: Sort of. Jay is my best friend and he goes across the galaxy because of a women. You know how much love you gotta have for someone to do that? I mean would you risk death for your wife Zach?
Shaun answers without a second thought.
SZR: Yes.
Alex Richards: See.. that's what real love is. That;s what you have. That's what Jay has. That's what Polar and Nightmare have. Speaking of women.. why does Debra never appear on television with you Zach? Is she camera shy?
SZR: Well she probably does not want to get arrested, or in a fight, or jump off a bridge or..
Alex laughs.
Alex Richards: We do a lot of awesome stuff don't we Zach?
SZR: Do you do that stuff because you're alone though bro?
Alex Richards: Of course not! But it would be nice to have someone to do that stuff with. Don;t get me wrong.. joining the Guardians was the best decision I ever made in life. But every week we risk death. What if I'm wrong. What if I don't live to be a hundred and five. What if I die... and die alone?
SZR: You're not alone Alex. You have the Guardians.. you have me.
Alex Richards: I know Zach. But it would be nice to have someone who really understands me. Seeing people who have what I want kind of bums me out. I ain't jealous, they all deserve to be happy. But I kinda wanna be happy too. That's why... we are getting really drunk with Steven Osbourne tonight!
Shaun groans.
SZR: That guy is such an asshole.
Alex Richards: Something epic is gonna happen tonight Zach! I can feel it!
SZR: With Steven it's probably an STD.
Alex Richards: STD of awesomeness!
SZR: No.. they aren't.
Alex Richards: I;ll have to talk with Nicky sometime. See if he can;t cook one up!
Shaun rolls his eyes as Alex tries to continue ignoring his problems. A merchant steps out of the Final Grounds, his coffee shop carrying a cup of something.
Owner: Hey! Alex! Haven't seen you in a few weeks! Have a new drink just for you! Super peanut butter espresso! Six shots of espresso, and 6 reeces peanut butter cups!
Alex Richards: Yolo Adrian! That's my jam!
Alex takes the drink.. raises it over his head and high fives the owner as he continues along his way. When out of view he hands the beverage to Shaun.
SZR: You can't stand espresso can you?
Alex Richards: Nope.
SZR: That guy always gives you some strange espresso drink.
Alex Richards: Yep.
SZR: Why don't you tell him?
Alex Richards: It makes him happy. You know Zach I did a lot of bad stuff in my past. Why not try and make people laugh. Do some good.
SZR: But they don;t really know you.
Alex Richards: Maybe they wouldn't like me if they did. But they do like me. Cause I;m the funny guy.
Alex suddenly smiles widely, his whole face lights up. His voice drops and he whispers to Shaun.
Alex Richards: Would you look at her. Have you ever seen someone so beautiful?
Alex;s eyes focus in on a petite raven haired beauty. With big jugs because guys like those. The pale skinned, slender woman walks her black labrador seemingly without a care in the world her white cane out in front of her.
SZR: The blind chick?
Alex looks at his brother in disbelief.
Alex Richards: Rebecca Thatch is not just the blind chick. How many blind chicks do you see walking the streets of Chicago after dark? What a bad ass! Do you see anyone daring to fuck with her? I don't think so! So beautiful... so fearless..
SZR: So why don;t you go talk to her then?
Alex Richards: You're kidding right? What chance does a guy like me have with Rebecca?
SZR: So you never talk to her.
Alex Richards: Of course I wouldn't bother her.
SZR: So how do you know her name then?
Alex Richards: She was at the Sloshed Pit and I had John i.d. Her when she got a drink.
SZR: And you;re scared to talk to her still?
Alex Richards: Umm...
SZR: Looks like someone isn't fearless...
Alex takes a playful swing at his brother.
Alex Richards: Fuck you! You judgy married types are all the same! You don;t know how easy you got it!
SZR: Yeah... but we took our shot at some point.
Alex thinks for a minute.. then his shoulders slump as he notices she has faded out of sight.
Alex Richards: Maybe some other time.
Just then Steven Osbourne appears out of nowhere! Tonight wearing an all pink spandex outfit that leaves nothing to the imagination.. you can shudder here. He is also still wearing his HWA world title belt.
SZR: Why do you wear a title belt in public?
Shaun asks the question everyone else wanted to.
Steven Osbourne: Chicks dig the gold.. obviously.
Alex Richards: Do you take it off while peeing?
Steven Osbourne: I have a trick. When we use the bathroom later I;ll show you.
Alex Richards: Not enough booze exists for me to do that. And I drink 24/7
Steven Osbourne: Your loss Alex.
SZR: Why are you here anyways?
Steven Osbourne: I;m paying a debt! Two weeks ago I asked Alex to be my wing man during his dating service video and it worked! You wouldn't believe how much sex I've been getting lately! I've been swimming a pool of pussy, I've been stranded on the island of vag, I've been..
SZR: Urg.. we get it.
Steven Osbourne: So I;m gonna pay it forward and get Alex some action tonight.
SZR: And you think this is a good idea, Alex?
Alex Richards: With how I have been doing lately I'll take any help I can get!
Steven Osbourne: All you gotta do is listen to me and you'll totally score! Trust me..
SZR: Why would anyone trust..
Steven Osbourne: No comments from the married crew thank you! This is a singles night only! I mean two guys trying to pick up are one thing. But adding in a married guy. That's just sleazy.
SZR: Are you sure this is a good idea Alex?
Alex Richards: I've had worse.
SZR: Like what?
Alex Richards: Do it yourself port a potty plumbing.
SZR: Yeah that was a bad night. Have fun. Call me if you're in jail. I might... bail you out.
Alex Richards: Why do you always say that?
SZR: Why do you always get arrested?
Alex Richards: Some people don't know a fun time when they see it.
Shaun laughs and waves heading off for the night. As Steven directs Alex in the direction of a showy looking bar named Classy Tonys
Alex Richards: Why this bar? I hear Classy Tony is a douchebag?
Steven Osbourne: He is and that's a good thing! One less person for you to compete with tonight! Besides that's not why we;re here!
Alex looks around and notices the shag carpeting and leopard print chairs everywhere.
Alex Richards: We're gonna let a real leopard run loose in here? Awesome!
Steven Osbourne: What? No!
Alex Richards: Well that sucks. You were pointing at the wall. I could have sworn we were on the same page.
Steven Osbourne: Yeah... at the sign.
Steven points again this time clearly at a sign that states Open Mic Night.
Steven Osbourne: Too easy. We are gonna sit back and wait for the hot chicks to start trying to sing. Wait until someone is both truly hot and truly horrible. Then you defend them from the booing crowd. Bingo. Instant white knight. Instant panty drop. Its just that easy.
Alex Richards: I have a better idea.
Steven Osbourne: Dude.. don't go off script! You never go off script!
But Alex doesn't listen. He also doesn't wait. He simply charges the stage and grabs the mic starting into his act.
Click Here To Listen To Alex's performance
seriously not a joke.. that line above is a link.. so click that..
Alex gets off stage, and quickly pounds a drink. Even getting booed by the bartender who serves him. And two random women he passes. He looks around for Steven and doesn't see him anywhere. However two of the ugly chairs have been turned over in the area and two people appear to be sex undernearth of them, the man wearing a lot of pink clothing. Alex decides to leave. He walks out the door looking disappointed back into the night.
Alex Richards: I should have known it was gonna go badly. Luckily I have a back up plan.. drinking Zim-Quila until I forget about the rejection! Or pass out. Wait... better idea.
Alex goes into his ever present doctor;s bag and pulls out a bottle of Zim-Quila. He takes a swig then pours the rest on himself promptly going invisible.
Alexa Richards: I gotta hand it to me. If you want to just be left alone this is the absolute best way.
Alexa begins the walk back to where ever he left the Strange Rover. His adventuring done for the night. At least it would have been. Until we see two shady, scruffy looking middle aged men dragging behind them a black lab who obviously doesn't appear to want to come with them.
Man 1: This is the best job we ever had!
Man 2: This is the only job we ever had!
Man 1: Well it's hard for ex cons to get jobs. We's only good at beating people up.
Man 2: Yeah but anyone can do this job. Alls we gotta do is put down strays. 50 bucks a dog. Straight from the mayor;s office himself. Never thought I'd be working for the government.
Man 1: I thought we were doing good when we offed that British bulldog a few hours ago. But when we see this guy outside the washroom and bingo extra pay day!
Alexa Richards: Wait a second.. that's Rebecca's dog. And even if it isn't.. that's fucked up killing people's dogs.
Man 2: you fucking hear something?
Man 1 doesn't respond. He simply flies through the air seemingly tossed by an invisible force... go figure. The second man looks around for someone but simply slumps to the ground cold cocked by a sucker punch.
Alexa Richards: Fighting people while invisible just don;t seem fair. C'mon boy.. not safe for me to leave you out here. I'll take you back to the Strange Rover until Becky comes for you.
Alexa picks up the seeing eye dog leaving a final image of a confused dog floating through the air in the direction of the strange rover.
The Next Day
Alex Richards walks into the Sloshed Pit with the black lab dog on a leash. The fact that this doesn;t raise a single eyebrow tells you what type of place the Sloshed Pit is if you didn't already know. Alex decides to take the dog into the back room where he hears firmilar voices. Since it is early in the day and the bar is closed this is a weird thing. He bursts in noticing Bonnie Blue, Armand De La Fountaine, and Hophni sitting around a table looking at some sort of photos.
Alex Richards: Oh cmon guys! You should have called me if we were supposed to meet up here!
Bonnie Blue: We did call you. Your answering machine message said your phone was off because you wanted to get black out drunk and bowl hand grenades at Wrigley Field.
Armand De La Fountaine: I even stopped by. There were only kids smoking reefer there.
Alex Richards: Change of plans. I already did that before and I hate repeating myself.
Hophni: I tried to communiate with you telepathically but something was blocking us! Perhaps your chi isn't open enough.
Bonnie Blue: You're here now so let me feel you in. These are stolen satellite photos of a few select building in Chinatown.
Armand De La Fountaine: Not randomly selected photos of course. These building are important because..
Bonnie begins to point at the photo, discribing details, pointing out weak spots they can exploit. Armand chimes in with advice of his own.
Alex Richards: Time out.
The world freezes for everyone but Alex who looks around the back room.
Alex Richards: This back room has exactly enough room for one table that sits eight people maximum, and one couch in the corner. I designed it this way so I would always have both a place to play poker, and a place to pass out if I drank enough at the Sloshed Pit. Most people would say drinking until you pass out is too much. Those people are wrong. In fact.
Alex points to a sloppy hand carved sign on the wall expressing the same sentiment.
Alex Richards: I carved that myself to decorate my office back here. Then I did away with the usual desk, copier, and other such crap because that;s just not who I am!
Alex walks out into the main bar area, then goes behind the counter.
Alex Richards: You see this bar top... doesn't matter how hard you slam your beer down it it will never break! I tested it myself. Over a hundred times! That;s the kind of effort I put into the Sloshed Pit! And the alcohol.. I created my own alcohol, the exceptionally strange and potent brew of Zim-Quila. Nothing gets you drunker, faster, and with a bigger hangover then Zim-Quila. Most people don't like hangovers but I view them as a badge of honor! That pounding headache in the morning means you accomplished something! Then there is the other alcohols.. I picked each and every one of them out by myself! Every bar has vodka, tequila, rum, beer, whiskey, gin, etc. My bar has those of course. But what other bar has three penis vodka? What other bar has snake and scorpion infused wine? You ever have pizza beer? I have pizza beer! Steak and eggs breakfast whiskey? Bacon Tequila? I could spend hours talking about all the different alcohols I have made or found! Does any other bar in the world have a pit leading to the basement in order to settle fights? You know why I did that? Means that no one fights outside of the bar, and all fights are fair fights. Plus I reserved the right to fight the winner so if I wanted to brawl.. instant brawl. A place where me and my friends can drink and fight any time we want! What more could a guy want? The band on stage.. Temporal Wonkiness.. I recruited the members myself! I stock the jukebox! I programmed it so it would spout random songs randomly because that's fucking hilarious!
Alex looks around.. and smiles proudly.
Alex Richards: People say this is a dive bar! But you know what... this is MY dive bar! Everything about this place screams archduke of mass confusion! You know how much of myself I put into this bar? People... people like Wright and Sanchez would say this is an eye sore, this place is a disgrace, this place needs to be shut down, burned down, destroyed, closed forever. I say you have to get through me in order to do it! This week Taylor Wright gets his chance to do just that. To destroy me, to destroy my dreams, to destroy my bar. This bar... this is all I have. Do you know how hard a man will fight in order to protect something like that?
Alex slams a beer bottle down on the bar top hard shattering the bottle.
Alex Richards: David Sanchez does. That;s why he sent Taylor to fight this battle instead of doing it himself. He knows how hard I am going to fight. Do you think Taylor does? The last time Taylor and I fought I put him out of action for a month. A few weeks earlier Taylor showed up with a couple of goons and trashed my bar. I would have thought he would have received the message... DON'T FUCK WITH THE SLOSHED PIT! But apparently Taylor isn't a quick study. He needs another lesson. He wants to fight me.. in my own bar for the rights to it? Yeah.. that;s pretty stupid isn't it? Everything in this bar that can be used for a weapon I know about it. Because I put it there. Did you know this bar has an ax throwing wall. Well you should have. I think it;s been profiled in the past. How about more damage do you think I can do with an ax Wright? You;re here to shut this bar down to please your boss. Guess what, I;m here to defend this bar because it;s a huge part of my life! Who do you think has the advantage? You are fighting because you are a boot kisser, an apple polisher, a bag licker! I am fighting because I truly love and care for this place! Last time you threatened my bar I put you out of action for a month.
Alex looks at the new jukebox, replacing the one Taylor had previously destroyed.
Alex Richards: You broke a jukebox, I put you in a wheelchair! You want to break everything this time and take over. Do you really know what that;s gonna mean to your health? You didn't even think about it did you? All you thought was how happy it was going to make your boss if you took the Sloshed Pit from me. You should have thought about the risk. You should have thought about what I am going to do to you in order to defend my bar! I won;t let you, Sanchez, God himself shut down this bar! I will fight you with everything I have, with every dirty trick I can think of. From boiling hot grease from the deep fryer, to a pool cue, to the jukebox itself.. to some of those 10 foot speakers on the stage! You thought a good choice was to fight me, for the thing I love most, in the place I know best? Sorry Taylor.. you fucking chose wrong!
Alex grabs a second bottle, this time drinking it before smashing it on the bar as well. But Davis
Alex Richards: Four men in a row have fought and been defeated by the Archduke. Those men fought for titles, those men, like Dustin last week, won titles. All of those men have been doing better in a wrestling ring then you have Taylor. Because besides beating Luke what have you done? Maybe that;s why David wants you to do this. He thinks Jessica Buck is the television champion, Erin Fausse was the first rising star champion and his tag partner. You, Taylor, are expendable. Why else would he put you in this position? You are fucked.. you are so fucked. Have you realized that yet? I will bet when that bar door closes you will realize the mistake you made. Don't worry, I will let you crawl out of the bar, crawl back to your mayor and tell him exactly what happens what you try to take from Alex Richards.
Alex looks more angry.. somehow.
Alex Richards: You know what I think.. I think you guys thought declaring war on the Guardians was a bad idea so you should pick us off one by one instead. You think destroying my bar might destroy me. You think I am the weak link don't you? How could you be that stupid? Because you think I am stupid don't you? You think the fact that I care about a bar made me an easy target. But then the Syndicate fucked up. First you sent Taylor Wright to do a man;s work. Secondly you backed me into a corner where I have nothing to gain and everything to lose. Third you allowed me to pick the scene of the battle. Three strikes.. and when this is over I will toss Taylor out.. of my bar for good. But David.. know this.. when you have failed to take my bar.. I will take from you. With the help of the true mightiest stable on earth we will take Chicago back... from you. This is the first of a long series of battles you are about to lose.
Alex walks back into the back room and calls time in
Bonnie Blue: So Alex can you get the stuff by tonight?
Alex Richards: Sure, how many slinkies do you need again?
Bonnie Blue: So you walk out of the room, pace around for twenty minutes then return with that answer?
Alex Richards: Didn't I pause you guys? C'mon it worked for Zach Morris!
Bonnie shakes her head.
Bonnie Blue: You do know I'm the one who bends time to her will, right?
Alex Richards: It was worth a shot.
Bonnie Blue: You are not good at this planning thing are you?
Alex Richards: I am... just no one likes my plans.
Armand De La Fountaine: Because they don't make any sense!
Hophni: I like your plans!
Bonnie Blue: Don't worry we wrote down what you actually need to bring.
Bonnie hands Alex a piece of paper. Which may or may not be blank.
Alex Richards: So no slinkies?
Hophni: Why no slinkies? I could really use a few thousand slinkies! As a tribute for..
Bonnie Blue: No! No slinkies!
Alex Richards: Okay then. How about I'll bring the alcohol related expolsives, the invisibility, and the ass kicking.
Bonnie grins
Bonnie Blue: That is all we really wanted anyways.
Armand De La Fountaine: We were just messing with you for leaving the meeting. Bonnie's idea.
Bonnie Blue: I do have good ones from time to time.
Alex chuckles and finally actually looks at the pictures before the rest of the Guardians depart out the back door. Alex looks around as if considering his options until he hears a whine from the floor.
Alex Richards: Sorry pooch, I;m not used to dogs. I bet you are thirsty. Hmm.. dogs like beer, right?
Alex and the dog go off into the main section of the bar where he finds a soup bowl, pours a bud lite into it and places it on the floor. The dog sniffs, then laps at the beer.
Alex Richards: I knew if you were Rebecca's dog we would get along great! Now to get back to my original idea... getting black out drunk..
Just then the door flies open and an angry Rebecca Thatch enters the room long black hair swinging, angrily jabbing the air with her white cane. The dog barks excitedly quickly coming to her side.
Rebecca Thatch: Alex Richards! I know you are in here! I can smell the alcohol coming from your pores!
Alex Richards: It's true. The other senses are heightened.
Rebecca turns in the direction of the voice jabbing out with her cane nailing Alex in the family jewels. He lets out an oof and doubles over.
Rebecca Thatch: What kind of a person steals a blind woman;s dog!
Alex Richards: I don't know. I didn't steal your dog. I stole your dog from the guys who stole your dog!
Rebecca Thatch: Did you at least kick their asses?
Alex Richards: Of course I did!
Rebecca Thatch: That's good. Because I was afraid I misjudged you. Last time I came here to meet you you avoided me all night and now you are stealing my dog.
Alex looks absolutely floored.
Alex Richards: Woah... wait.. you came here to meet me? Normally I wouldn't question a smoking hot lady wanting to meet me. But I don;t want to take advantage of you. You are aware that I;m really ugly right? Like stopping traffic ugly.
Rebecca laughs.
Rebecca Thatch: You sure do have a way with the ladies don't you?
Alex Richards: I know.. you are out of my league.
Rebecca Thatch: You know why I wanted to meet you?
Alex Richards: Free shots?
Rebecca Thatch: No.. well maybe. But the real reason I wanted to meet you was because of all the things I heard about you. Everything other people say is too risky, too crazy, too out here to do... you just do it.
Alex Richards: So if I said I was gonna kiss ya..
Rebecca Thatch: I would hit you in the crotch again with my cane.
Alex;s face drops.
Alex Richards: I understand.
Rebecca smiles.
Rebecca Thatch: Fortunately for you.. I enjoyed your singing.
Alex Richards: But everyone was booing me.
Rebecca Thatch: Not everyone.
Rebecca pauses, sniffs the air, then continues.
Rebecca Thatch: You got my dog drunk didn't you?
Alex Richards: It was just one beer.
Rebecca Thatch: How about you make it up to me by buying me lunch? Say 2 o clock at the finest Chinese restaurant in town.
Alex Richards: So the Happy Chicken Chinese buffet?
Rebecca Thatch: I knew you had good taste. C'mon Lennox. See you soon.
Rebecca walks out seeing eye dog in tow as Alex looks on in disbelief.
Alex Richards: Please don't be a dream. Please don;t be a dream.
Alex picks up the final remaining empty bottle and smashes himself over the head with it. Then begins laughing.
Alex Richards: That actually happened. I actually... got... the... girl. I told everyone the way to a women's heart was through song! People should listen to me more often!
Fade to the credits rolling
LOVE, WHATEVER THAT IS
Series conceived by Alex Richards, Bonnie Blue and the Polar Phantasm
Series directed by the Polar Phantasm
Episode 2: Beauty And The Beast
Episode written by Alex Richards
'The Guardians' created by Bonnie Blue, Jay Omega and the Polar Phantasm
(Come home soon, Spaceman.)
[(c) United Championship Infinite 2016. All rights reserved.]