Kyle Cameron is an acne ridden Pokémaster bitch.

Chicago: 3am.



So yeah, has anyone ever walked around a big park at 3am in a big city before? It's fucking scary aint it? I mean you walk along in the park, where everything is dark and you see a guy coming toward you and you automatically think “Oh this is where I get fucked, killed and buried by this tree here” before trying to make yourself look invisible by hiding behind the nearest bench/bin/tree. Meanwhile the guy coming toward you is now thinking “fuck, that guy there clocked me and is hiding behind a fucking bench ready to jump out and stab me in the face with a knife full of AIDs.” So inevitably he either walks the other way, or, because he had no other way to go, braves it but keeps his hands in his pocket regardless to make you think he has a knife or something. Just so you'd leave him alone.



So what we have then is a stand off between you hiding behind a bench, scared shitless that this psycho rapist is going to see you and fuck you to death while they simultaneously think you're going to pop out from the other side of the bench with a disease infested knife and STAB THAT FUCKER.



At least that's how it usually is. Tonight, well, not so much. Tonight the park is HEAVING. Like literally heaving with people. The only light around is pretty much the lights of phone screens, illuminating the joyous faces of people who were outside just enjoying what the fuck it is bringing them to a park at 3am that isn't walking home, being terrified of the person walking to you or crack cocaine.



Of course, the answer is rather simple and yet equally puzzling. It's of course Pokémon. Yep, Pokémon is now the number 1 cause of insomnia in the world. It's also the number 1 cause of accidents, babies, weight loss, relationships (both starting and ending) and owees. Pokémon has ensured over 250 people are up at 3am and in a park, running around trying to catch a Pikachu, an Eevee, Squirtle or a Charizard on their mobile phones. The crowds were buzzing. Not 5 minutes ago, there was a commotion near the lake when one person suddenly exclaimed “I'VE FOUND A STARME!” He kinda wished he hadn't said it when 40 people trampled over him and one accidentally pushed him into the lake. However, he was more than happy to see under the water a rare – already evolved from the pointless fish based shit that was a magikarp – Gyarados. He managed to catch it shortly before his phone died due to being underwater. But hey, it saved to the server so at least he's got it when he has to go and buy the new fucking phone that isn't waterproof and costs £400 anyway. Well done, genius.



Amongst the throng of Valors, Mystics and – for whatever reason they exist, the instinct lot. A man who you all recognise is running around, also chasing Pokemon. This man, who goes by many names such as the King of Kem, Lord of Waterdeep, 4th Earl of Kandela, Bane of Yashtob, the Prince-botherer, Shamble Lord of Dorberville and at one time the person most likely to be eaten by a sand badger. Yes, Andre Jenson is in the middle of the throng somewhere, chasing down a Pidgey.



So we zoom down to our erstwhile hero, who is standing there looking at his phone, swiping upwards and cursing under his breath.



“You need to curve it!” Says a voice next to him, testily. “Like this.”



Amy shows AJ her phone and expertly curved the ball to the Pidgey without any issues. Capturing the Pidgey effortlessly.



“I know, I've been trying but I can't seem to get the hang of it today.” AJ replied, swiping again, then angrily swearing while the screen tells him that it got away.

“It got away!” He complained, rather petulantly before putting his phone back into his pocket, sighing.



Amy noticed his mood and put her phone away too.



“Are you alright?” She asked, softly.



AJ shrugged. Amy took this as a sign that no, not everything was ok and there clearly was something up with Jenson. So she motioned for him to follow her. They moved to a bench, away from a throng of people who were now all excitedly running after a Zapdos with the urgency of a frenzied horde of zombies that just caught Brad Pitt's scent on the wind. (If you've not seen World War Z, you won't get the reference, the movie is actual terrible but the Zombies run quickly and run over each other, snapping at each other and generally you know, frenzied stuff.)



“Oh, they caught a Zapdos.” Amy said, “good for them.”



AJ shrugged, “How many have you got now?”



“3.”



“Yeah, I have 4 of them.” AJ replied, with more than a hint of annoyance.



“You miss it, don't you?”



AJ gave a wry smile, “What gave it away?”



“You just don't seem yourself.” She looked at the floor, then back to AJ. “The appeal will work, we just have to wait.”



“Damn that Sanchez dick though.” AJ said with bitterness edging his voice. “How did he even manage to pass that law anyway? Especially getting it extended to Kem?”



Amy shrugged. “Bullying, cajoling, bribes. You name it, he did it. It was only ever going to be a temporary thing anyway. We agreed to stop in Kem during the last trial to appease the senate and to end the riots. The law won't stick. We know this, it just needs to be overturned in the courts. Until then we can't LARP.”



“I'm aware of this fact, Amy.” He glared at her. “I'm aware of this very well.” He gives a resigned sigh. “You're right though, we just have to wait it out I guess.”



“In the meantime though.” Amy began and was immediately cut off.



“In the meantime, I'm going to get the Kem championship back.”



“The what?” She asks, rather confused.



“The Kem championship.” He went on to explain “Remember the belt I bought from the flea market when we were in Morocco?”



“The one that you bought when you were a kid and added a bunch of streamers to it? The one you used to wrestle Slashalot for?”



“The very same. I lost it a few months ago. Or rather I think it was stolen. I haven't seen it since the first trial in Chicago. At least until this Kyle Cameron kid had it.”



“You think he stole it?”



“Maybe, who knows? I need to find the measure of the man and see exactly what makes him tick in order to win it back.”



“Why are you not doing that then instead of running around catching Pokémon?”



AJ smiles and looks at her. “That is partly why I'm here.” He points at a group of youngsters. “I think Kyle Cameron is a big Pokémon master and I think he is on team instinct. You see those kids there? I plan to ask them about him and see what the score is with him. If anyone'll know him it'll be them guys.”



“You sure he plays this game?” Amy asked sceptically.



AJ nods vigorously, “of course he does. I even have his user name. The guy talks a big talk and says all this shit about not being a nerd and whatever but in reality he's like a serious player of this.” AJ winks at her. “You'll see.”



AJ then stands and starts walking toward the Instinct group. He puts a hand up and shouts to them. “What Ho!” They look at him standoffishly. The group of 4 are all teenagers, all unwashed, chavvy and basically look like they would sell their grandparents for a Rattata. One of the teenagers, wearing a faded 90s style pokémon t shirt and cap, sideways because why not, eyes up AJ suspiciously.



“The fuck you want, fuccboi?” He asked.



“I want to ask you about your leader.” AJ replied, calmly.



“Our leader? The fuck you talking about foo'?” Said the kid – nodding his head in the only way a teenager can when he's aggressively spitting out words for the benefit of his friends. I'm informed this sort of thing is a phase, but I'm not so sure. Teenagers actually suck.



“Your leader, he goes by the name of BigDong69.” AJ calmly states. “He's got something of mine and I want it back, so I'm going to ask you guys questions about him so I can defeat him in battle.”



This brings about a round of laughter from the teenagers. The alpha clearly thinking this is funnier than the rest, laughs sarcastically and loudly. Showing off to his friends now doubt. Prick.



“Fuccboi, you're making no sense, fam. I tells you what, I'm going to give you a nice present. All the info you want about, what did you call him? Big Dong 69? I bet you want his dong as well.”



Cue more laughter from the sociopathic bunch of fucks. His “present was in fact the bird. Yes, a teenager just gave AJ and Amy the bird. AJ merely shakes his head.



“You're not understanding me, friend.” Says AJ. “I need information about this Kyle Cameron character. You will give me the information I need. This doesn't need to get messy at all.



“That's what your wife says, fam.” Came the reply from knobhead teenager A. Who then looks at Amy. “In fact, why don't you come to a real man, sugartits. This fuccboi isn't going to give you any satisfaction.”


Amy rolls her eyes and says to AJ “This isn't going to get us anywhere.”



“Only on my cock.” Says the complete and utter shambles of a human. Spurred on by his friends.



AJ shakes his head to Amy, as if to say “give it a bit of time.” He looks at the spotty faced gobshite in front of him.



“So yeah, this BigDong69 fella, Kyle Cameron his real name is. He stole something of mine, I want it back – if you tell me what his weaknesses are, I'll help you find a Snorlax.”



Three of the teenagers perk up at this mention, murmuring in agreement. Alpha fuckface though looks at AJ dead in the eye.



“I gots 5 of them, fuccboi. I gots everything I need, mang. So why don't you go and take your wife here and give her a fag sandwich before I fuck you up.” He squares up to AJ, who merely sighs in his face.



Amy, however has clearly had enough.



“RIGHT!” She snaps. “I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS, BUT CLEARLY THIS IS HOW IT'S GOING TO GO DOWN.”



She looks at each of the teenagers in turn. “YOU!” She points at three of the greasy, sweaty, scumbags. “I KNOW YOUR MOTHERS, WE GO TO THE SAME PTA MEETING. SO HELP ME GOD I WILL TELL THEM EVERYTHING IF YOU DON'T SCARPER RIGHT NOW.” The kids' eyes suddenly bulge and they starts to waver. She points to the alpha “YOU, WELL, YOUR MOTHER JUST WON'T CUT IT. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DO THIS MYSELF. YOU FORCED MY HAND ON THIS AND GOD HELP YOU I AM GOING TO HAVE TO RESORT TO THESE LENGTHS.” She takes off her shoes and rolls up her sleeves. Then she goes into her handbag and fetches a rolling pin. She heads toward the alpha and immediately starts whacking him with is on the arm. Every time she hits him, shouting something.



“YOU!”



whack



“SHOULD”



whack



“BE”



whack



“ASHAMED”



whack



“Alright! Alright!” Came the rather pleading cry from alpha twatbasket. Amy grabbed his ear. “OW! LEMME GO!” He shouted in pain.

“My friend here asked you a question,” said Amy, menacingly. “You would do well to mind your manners and answer them to the best of your ability.” She twists his ear. “You gets me, fam?”



“OK, OK!” Came the reply! “I'm Sorry! Yes, BigDong69 is Kyle Cameron, he's one of us, he's the leader of the Chicago Instinct massive. He wants to keep it a secret because the game is for nerds and he doesn't want anyone to ruin his street cred!” He tries to lower himself to the ground to get away from the vice like grip of Amy.



“And?” She says, more of a threat, than a question.



“And he found that belt! He's very proud of it and doesn't want to lose it so he'll do everything he can to keep it! Especially from the likes of AJ!”



“What's his plan? How can he be beat?” Amy puts more pressure on the ear.



“He's planning on making sure AJ can't grab the belt! Got someone controlling the rope! OW!” Amy twists again. “The only way to beat him is be more dirty than him, or eliminate all the traps to make it a fair fight!”



“A fire fight eh?” Amy says in his ear, menacingly. “I have just the ticket.” She lets go of the teenager's sweaty ear and the kid falls to the floor. She bends down to him. “Luckily I know how to handle teenagers. I think that Kyle Cameron needs a call from his mother.” To this, the kid looks horrified.



“No, you can't?”



Amy smiles a wicked smile. “Oh, but that's the only thing that'll work.”



Meanwhile, AJ is rustling around in his bag for something and there is a loud exclamation when he finds it. It's a giant, inflatable pokéball. He hands it to Amy. “I have an idea.” He says. “Think about this.”



He puts his hands in the air as if he's writing a headline.



“Live. Action. Master. Of Pokémon.” He looks at Amy. “LAMPing. We can't LARP at the moment, so why not LAMP? It's completely different and there is no current law against this kinda thing. Try it.” He motions to the shitfaced cock bandit on the floor in front of him. Amy thinks about it for a moment, and shrugs. She then unfolds the pokéball and blows it up a little to make it an actual ball. She then throws it at the feet of the air stealing shithawk.



“Get in.” She says, matter of factly.



“Do what now?” Says the scumbucket.



“Get in.” She repeats. “We've caught you, you now get in the ball. I consider you mine now. You're a Chavizord.”



“You're crazy!” Comes the response.



“Get in.” She replies again. “This won't work unless you get in.



The kid gets to his feet and looks at both of them, very confused. AJ, staring back at him with a half crooked smile and Amy staring at him viciously.



“Are you deaf?” She says. “Get in. We've captured you in the name of team Mystic.”



The mouth breather starts taking a couple of steps backwards. “Er, no, I don't think so.” He says. Then, a sudden idea pops into his head. He points to behind them and shouts “OH LOOK, A WILD PIKACHU APPEARED!” This is enough to make AJ and Amy turn their heads briefly and he takes his cue there to just basically turn and run as fast as he can. By the time AJ and Amy turn back around to look at him, all there is to see is purely dust. The guy has gone. As fast as possible.



AJ sighs. “Ah, the Chavizord got away. Still, we had a good outing at our first LAMPing session!” AJ then punches the air while simultaneously playing the pokémon theme on his iPhone, a massive grin on his face as Amy looks back at him, slowly shaking her head.



“Give me strength” she says.