Earthbound Misfits
Jul 25, 2016 21:37:04 GMT -6
The Polar Phantasm, Bonnie Blue, and 2 more like this
Post by The Guardians on Jul 25, 2016 21:37:04 GMT -6
"It's a Guardians thing... you wouldn't understand." -Jay Omega
"Above the planet on a wing and a prayer
My grubby halo a vapor trail in the empty air
Across the clouds I see my shadow fly
Out of the corner of my watering eye
A dream unthreatened by the morning light
Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night
There's no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation... a state of bliss
Can't keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted, just an earth-bound misfit." -Pink Floyd, Learning to Fly
[To Josh; best damn writing partner on the planet, no matter what planet we're talking about.]
---------------------------------------------
At precisely 14:17 that day, NORAD detected a blip as something tore through the atmosphere over the Pacific Ocean, heading toward the San Francisco Bay. When it shifted direction slightly, moving now toward the interior Southwest, the Department of Defence became concerned. Major-General B. Richard Topp -- "Brick" to his friends, if he'd had any -- chomped the stub of an unlit cigar as he scrutinized a display that ranged across several computer monitors.
Whatever they'd picked up had disappeared from radar, which meant it had touched down -- or crashed -- somewhere within two hundred klicks of Cheyenne Mountain. UFO reports were coming in steadily now, all the way from Reno and Las Vegas in Nevada, to Aspen, Denver, and Colorado Springs. The General had choppers in the air in seconds, and teams ready to deploy moments after that. His wasn't the only base in the area; if he didn't get this handled ASAP, chances were the ASA would come down on his neck with both boots. The Director had had it out for him for years.
"General Topp, sir!" A young lieutenant, fresh out of OCS, snapped to attention and saluted sharply. When he returned the salute, she added, "I think you should see this, sir."
With a few keystrokes, a video transmitted itself from the young lieutenant's laptop to the bank of monitors and began to play:
Shaky cinema verite framed the image of a woman who strode purposefully away from a small craft that resembled a fighter jet, in much the same way as a tiger resembles a housecat. Her skin was a deep orchid hue with a bronze glow, as if she'd spent days at a time tanning beneath some alien sun. Easily as tall as any man, with a wild and savage beauty that captivated even the General, she pointed to the first person she saw.
"You! With the bearded neck!" she called, pronouncing each syllable carefully. "Tell me where to find Jay Omega!"
"Who?"
"Omega!" she repeated, grasping him by the front of his shirt. "Do you know nothing of your world's finest warrior?"
"Wh- wha?"
With a disgusted huff, she dropped the hapless hipster and turned her attention on the small crowd that had begun to gather.
"I require Jay Omega! One of you must know of the whereabouts of Earth's mightiest hero! Speak, if you do! My need is great and my patience is short. I will repeat myself but one final time...." She reached over to snatch the smartphone recording her. "Find me the Omega Man!"
And with that, the scene cut out, leaving the General to stare in shock at the now-blank screens.
--------------------------------------------
[Scene: Project: Antarctica, Colorado. It was a regular day as any other at P:A; here in the living quarters, we see Alex Richards, Crystal Bankston (aka Nightmare) and Jay Omega watching afternoon television.]
TV: And we'll be right back with more "The Price is Jacked" after this!
Nightmare: God, I feel like such a moron watching this... but it's just-
Omega: -entertaining as hell?
Nightmare: ...yeah, it is. Ugh, I feel worse saying it out loud!
Richards: That one guy who stole a PS4 by sticking it in his pants... how does that even work?
Omega: Concave crotch?
Nightmare: ...oh god. Is that a thing?
Omega: Television doesn't lie, Crystal.
Richards: Television lies constantly, Jay. Remember when they said Lost was good?
[Jay mumbles his response.]
Omega: .. I liked Lost.
Nightmare: Ugh, you would!
[She hits him with a throw pillow. At this moment, Cameron Bankston (aka the Polar Phantasm) and Bonnie Blue enter the living quarters in a rush; Bonnie points to the TV excitedly.]
Bonnie: Channel six! Now!
Phantasm: Jay, you've gotta see what just landed in Wyoming.
[Omega quickly hops to channel 6; the view from a news/traffic chopper tells the Guardians quite a tale indeed.]
Omega: That's a Darrikaan ship!
Nightmare: Looks like retaliation; look at that trail of destruction!
Phantasm: Actually, that looks like a fairly decent crash landing; the ship's in mostly one piece. And that looks like the pilot; Eye-Seven?
[There is a brief bit of digital noise, then chatter; finally, the voice of everyone's favorite artificial intelligence comes back at the Phantasm (sounding somewhat content).]
Iceberg-Seven: Hello, user 'Polar Phantasm'. It has been a while since we have worked together.
Bonnie: Yeah, we haven't been around here much lately, have we?
Richards: 'Cause we've been crashing at the Sloshed Pit, baby! Happiest place on Earth!
Phantasm: No time for banter- Eye-Seven, blow up that image of the pilot.
Omega: Purple skin, definitely Daarikaan... definitely a she.
Phantasm: Looks like a familiar she, too.
[There is a split second of recognition; before anyone else can react, Jay's already headed for the lift.]
Omega: Guys, we gotta go. Tasha's here.
Richards: Who?
Omega: Princess Tasha! She's gotta be in trouble if she's here-
[The rest of the team head for the lift, knowing Jay will need their help.]
Nightmare: Maybe she just wanted to catch a cup of coffee with you, have a 'get to know you' date.
Phantasm: Doesn't matter- Megs is right. There's no way the Army doesn't shoot her dead or take her alive, one of the two... both are bad for her, and probably really bad for us.
-----------------------------------
[Scene: foothills around Cheyenne Mountain, Wyoming; more specifically, a rocky bluff overlooking the standoff between one purple-skinned woman and roughly two hundred armed troops. We see the Polar Phantasm and Bonnie Blue silently waiting... there's a bit of apprehension on both of their faces; whatever they're waiting for, it's probably one of those 'best idea we've got' options that seem vaguely impossible. These wild ideas are sort of a hallmark of this team; that is both fact and something that will never be a comfort to them.]
Phantasm: Clicking the temp down a few.
Bonnie: Easy does it, Cam; they're not in place yet.
Phantasm: Thinking might be easier if I slide it down than jump it down.
[Sure enough, the temperature drop becomes strong enough to cause a crackle to enter the breeze. The Phantasm's eyes fade in color to a milky white.]
Bonnie: How you doing, Cam?
Phantasm: Haaaangin' in there, Bonnie. A little dizzy but not bad; it's passing pretty quick.
Bonnie: We should be practicin' this stuff more, Cam.
[He giggles a bit. He somewhat bizarrely switches into an Allen Iverson impression.]
Phantasm: We sittin' here, I'm s'posed t'be franchise player... and we in here talkin' bout practice.
Bonnie: I can't tell if you're going dumb on me or if that's just you.
Phantasm: The world may never know! Seriously, I'm already feeling like watching a Judd Apatow movie.
Bonnie: Yeah, you're at least slightly retarded. Still sliding down the temp?
Phantasm: Little bit, yeah.
[Polar's wrist computer broacasts a quiet message from Jay Omega.]
Omega: Alex and Crystal are ready... thirty seconds to go.
Phantasm: We're all over that, Megatron. Polar out.
Bonnie: ...how long you been waiting to call him Megatron?
Phantasm: How long have I known him? Better cinch up that sweater, dear; it's time for this Phantasm to get stupid.
[The whiteness in Polar's eyes deepens, hiding his irises completely. Snow begins to fall, at first in soft sheets... then in cascading, blinding flurries. Jay coordinates once more with his 'cover team'...]
Omega: Ten seconds.
Bonnie: Alright, Bonnie, real fast... make it real slow. No sweat.
[She breathes in an exasperated huff; she rubs her temples briefly before casting her hands forward.]
Omega: Time.
Bonnie: Bend a bit for me, old friend.
[Amidst the sheets of white, time itself slows to a crawl... then, somehow even slower. Princess Tasha notices she's moving much faster than the world around her suddenly... in her confusion, she barely notices the dull electromagnetic hum of the pod-cycle flying toward her at a rapid pace. She turns to see Jay Omega flying toward her at an odd angle, leaning out of his cockpit as off the side of a charging horse. He collects his warrior woman acquaintance with a confident smile.]
Omega: ...you could've just called.
Tasha: I did- quite loudly, I must add.
Omega: Kinda wish I'd have been there for that- I'm sure it sounded fantastic.
--------------------------------
[Meanwhile, in the flurries of flaky distraction... Nightmare and Alex Richards have the fun job of towing Tasha's craft away from the site during the brief window of cover. By lifting the craft onto the Strange Rover... with a hovertank... in blinding snowfall.]
Nightmare: Yeah, how come we get the shit gig here?
Richards: That's pretty fucked up, narrator.
[Because this is for Jay, you jackasses. You wanna trade places with Bonnie and Cam? She's giving herself a migraine and he's amazed by the writing on iCarly right now.]
Nightmare: Well when you put it like that-
Richards: -yeah, nobody wants to be either of them right now. Crystal, we're stealing a spaceship!
Nightmare: Fuck yeah we are! Woooo!
---------------------------------
[Scene: Project: Antarctica, Colorado; more specifically, the hangar. We see Omega's pod-cycle 'land', followed by the DREEM (Nightmare's hovertank) and the Strange Rover (with a small spacecraft strapped to its back). Nikola Tesla and young Jeffy Bankston greet the team upon arrival; it's a big day for Tesla, after all. It's his first chance to get his hands on a Darrikaan craft that's still somewhat functional! Jay helps Tasha out of the cycle; apparently she was comfortable enough with her position in Omega's lap for the flight back from Wyoming. Nightmare leads Polar, who's up and about... just pretty dumb. Bonnie studder-steps her way out of the massive Strange Rover as Tesla approaches, gazing in glee upon the towed ship.]
Tesla: It's magnificent. It will do very nicely...
Jeffy: For what, Uncle Nicky?
Tesla: I'm thinking a left leg, actually.
[Jeffy gasps in wonder. His question is an excited whisper.]
Jeffy (whispered): Like Devastator, Uncle Nicky?
[Tesla smiles a wily, crooked smile.]
Tesla: Yes, young Master Bankston... like Devastator.
[The group meet up, checking each other for injuries and so forth. Well, Polar just stares at Tasha for a moment as if trying to place her.]
Phantasm: Didn't we do a thing with you one time? I remember... blue. Lots of blue.
Tasha: You remember my planet.
Phantasm: That doesn't seem right. Why is your planet lit like a 60s scifi movie?
Tasha: Our sun is a blue giant star.
Phantasm: That would- would that do it?
[He looks at Bonnie with confusion; she nods. He looks back to Tasha.]
Phantasm: Yep; that'd do it!
Nightmare: I'm gonna lay him down for a minute-
[She half drags Polar toward the lift.]
Phantasm: I like when she does that!
[Tasha watches, confounded, as team leader Polar is led off like a child. In front of his own child.]
Bonnie: Using his powers strains Polar's brain quite a bit... might be less if he trained with them.
Omega: Yeah, he doesn't use his frosty powers enough to be able to cause a full-on blizzard and not microwave his brain a little. He's gonna be fine, just...
Richards: ...'til then, Polar's baked Alaska.
[Tasha does not get the joke; Omega just shakes his head.]
Bonnie: What? I thought it was funny. Nice job, Alex.
[She catches herself as she almost falls over.]
Richards: It wasn't that funny...
Tasha: I believe she is about to faint.
Bonnie: I'm fine! Just- gimme a minute 'sall.
---------------------------------
[Scene: Project: Antarctica, Colorado; more specifically, conference room. The team is assembled once more; Bonnie seems fine, and Polar seems relatively normal (if a little 'burnt', to use the parlance of our modern times). Iceberg-Seven has brought up a mock-up of the Daran System; Princess Tasha is amidst her sitrep.]
Tasha: ...our operatives have been unable to find an exact location for the weapon. I have lost many fine operatives in the search and yet we are no closer to preventing the use of this biological weapon. My last hope was to come to this planet and find a human who may fight alongside us... I came in search of this man, the great warrior Jay Omega.
Omega: So... yeah. I'm going.
Phantasm: We'll all go. Bonnie, get Grimmauld prepped...
Omega: You can't.
[They all look to Omega with surprise, even Tasha.]
Omega: The Guardians have plenty of business here on Earth... Chicago's not going to fix itself, team, and Sanchez won't be stopped until someone who can get the job done steps in his way. That will have to be you guys... I haven't seen anything that's told me otherwise.
[There's a sullen silence in the room as they realize Jay's right.]
Omega: I don't want to leave Earth, guys, but... I have to help this woman. She saved my life when we were on her planet, and all she's asking in return is I undertake a suicide mission to save her people from her psychotic sister. Come on- it's a Guardians thing.
[Polar and Bonnie reply.]
Both: We understand.
[Omega smiles.]
Bonnie: I'll talk to Grimmy and explain what's going on... and make sure he knows to get your butt back safe.
[The Daughter of Time heads toward the silo, sighing a bit as she wonders what sort of an adventure Jay is about to find waiting for him out there...]
Phantasm: What about your pod-cycle, Jay?
Omega: I'm leaving it here with you guys... you'll need it for the big deal, whenever that comes together. Let somebody you trust use it... so, in other words, tell Frank not to scratch my paint job.
[Polar smirks at his friend, a man who knows him all too well.]
Omega: You'll probably want to take on another member, too... take a look at Bonnie's ninja friend, Preecha. Talk it over.
Phantasm: Might have some trouble talking to a deaf guy...
Omega: At least your brain's back in order!
Phantasm: ...but I know what you mean.
Richards: Jay- don't leave.
[Polar and Omega turn to see Alex sitting there with a glum look on his face. Nightmare sits next to him just letting this all play out before her; on the one hand she's going to miss Jay, but on the other hand she's not gonna tell him not to chase a space princess. Alex objects once more, seemingly out of nothing more than emotion... and nothing less than genuine, at that.]
Richards: Don't leave, Jay. We just got this party started, man!
Omega: Alex, I'll be back in a little bit... just don't forget how to have fun while I'm gone, ok?
[Alex ponders that idea for a second, reacting with some degree of fear.]
Richards: Oh god, is that a thing?
Phantasm: Tasha- promise me you'll get the Omega Man back to us in one piece.
Tasha: Surely warriors of your stature know that death in battle is a glorious, honorable fate-
[She notices Omega's fervent hand gestures and changes tacks; thankfully, spastically making choking motions and 'X' marks with your wrists seems to do the trick even with women from the Daran System.]
Tasha: -but in order to preserve your friend's life, I shall be as vigilant as I am able.
Nightmare: Hey, you two...
[Jay and Tasha look to Nightmare; her spooky, sadistic smile causes both to raise an eyebrow slightly.]
Nightmare: Whatever you two get into up in space alone together...
[She lets that hang for a pause, trying not to laugh.]
Nightmare: ...save some purple asses for the rest of us to kick, yeah?
[Relief spreads on both of their faces; apparently fighting an interplanetary civil war is easier to discuss than Intergalactic Humanoid Biology 102 (Fucking in the Daran System and You: A Survey).]
Omega: You got it, Crys.
Tasha: There will be plenty for you Guardians to do to help once your troubles with this Sann Chezz are taken care of.
[Omega laughs a bit; the other Guardians are slightly more successful at holding it back, but only slightly. Tasha looks around as if missing something.]
Tasha: Did something happen?
Omega: It's fine, uh, princess; gonna go pack, be back in a few!
[Once the Omega Man and Princess of Space have departed, it leaves three of the soon-to-be four total Guardians... the Lady of Rage, the Icy Manipulator and the Archduke of Mass Confusion... to ponder the future.]
Nightmare: We're gonna be so screwed without Jay.
[Alex sighs.]
Phantasm: We'll make due without Megs for a bit... that I'm sure of. My worry is that Megs and Tasha might be screwed without us.
----------------------------------------------------
[Scene: Project: Antarctica, Colorado; more specifically, the missile silo. Tasha boards the techno-organic 'space dragon' vessel Grimmauld, set for a journey back to the Daran System... taking his time following is Jay Omega. He notices his friends are all lined up to say goodbye and steps over to give them a moment.]
Tesla: Master James, do be careful out there... and bring me anything of interest that you find in the outer realms.
Omega: Of course, Nicky-
Tesla: -don't... ugh.
Omega: -you know I'd never let you down. Keep an eye on the team, will ya?
Tesla: Damnit, Jim- I'm an engineer, not a lifeguard!
[Tesla may as well have said he was a babysitter; he's certainly journeyman if not expert at the craft by now. His usual ward, young Jeffrey Bankston, pops up to tell his Uncle Jay goodbye.]
Jeffy: Uncle Jay, can I go to space too?
Omega: No, Jeffy; you've gotta stay here and take care of your parents for me. Ok?
Jeffy: OK.
[The young boy sighs exasperatedly.]
Jeffy: Are you going away with the pretty purple lady forever, Uncle Jay?
Omega: Of course not, Jeffy- I'll be back quicker than you know. I may even bring pretty purple lady back with me, if I play my cards... you know. Heh.
[Next to Jeffy is his mother, the lovely and dangerous Crystal Bankston.]
Nightmare: Jay... you've been like a brother to me. And we've had so much fun blowing shit up.
Jeffy: MOMMY CURSING!
[Everyone shushes Jeffrey; he begins to cry a little, but just hides behind Alex Richards.]
Omega: Crystal... you're gonna be fine for a while without me. Ok? You'll find some other nice fella to blow stuff up with, and hopefully he never asks if my explosions are bigger than his.
[She tries not to laugh, but by the end of the line all of the Guardians are laughing (Omega included). Nightmare gives Jay Omega a big hug.]
Nightmare: Don't you go making a bunch of pretty purple babies and not bring 'em back here to show 'em off to their Auntie Crystal.
Omega: Fuck's sake, Crystal, you could at least let me put my dick in this broad before you've got me raising an alien family.
Nightmare: Jay- Jeffy's here!
Jeffy: Go get her, Uncle Jay!
Omega: Face it, Crystal- your kid is awesome.
[Jay turns to see Alex Richards trying to hold back a tear.]
Richards: Take me with you, man- you know you could use the help.
Omega: Yeah, but so can UCI. So can post-Wave Earth. So can the Guardians. This is where you belong, man.
Richards: Don't say that-
Omega: Alex. Listen to me. Listen to your old friend Jay Omega. Alex-
[Alex looks him dead in the eyes.]
Omega: -you are a Guardian. You're one of the mightiest men on the planet; you are part of a band of demigods. And you are not here on accident. You have the best teammates in human history, a rising star in the wrestling business and a better time on most nights than normal people have ever had without needing a hospital trip. I'll be back soon, and you and me are gonna tear the planet up when I get home... just make sure the planet's still here when I get back. Alright, man?
[Alex can only nod.]
Richards: Here; for your trip.
[He takes a keg-sized backpack off and hands it to Omega; its weight is obviously greater than Jay estimated.]
Richards: And you remember the recipe, right?
[Omega just gives his friend a sly nod.]
Omega: Never know when such a multi-tasker of a liquid will come in handy. Thanks, Alex.
Richards: Drink it in good health, my man... and find out if her crazy sister said anything about me, ok?
[Jay can't help but laugh at that. Before him stands a man who he'd only known in passing before the Wave, yet since then has loomed so large in his life...]
Phantasm: I don't think any of us yet realize just how much we're gonna miss you, man.
Omega: I know I sure won't know what to do without your crazy ass wife yelling at me all day or your crazy ass son jumping on my bed while I'm sleeping.
Phantasm: That's just how they show you they like you.
Omega: Cam, you're a son of a bitch and I'm sorry I ever met you.
Phantasm: Jay, your hair looks stupid and you smell funny.
[They both laugh a bit, then there is a tremendous embrace.]
Omega: If I die on Aja Darrik, conquer it and rename it Omegaland.
Phantasm: Eh, maybe- only if... you conquer the planet first, you name it Planet: Antarctica for me. Take pictures.
[Jay releases the Phantasm, nodding.]
Omega: It's a great name for a desert planet. Some excellent planning there, boss.
Phantasm: Eh, I have a weird sense of humor. Hey, Jay-
Omega: Yeah?
Phantasm: I love you, man.
[Omega tries his hardest to deadpan his answer.]
Omega: I know.
[It takes Polar a second, but...]
Phantasm: Mother fucker, did you just Han Solo me?
[Omega snickers as he turns to the last in line... a woman he'd fought alongside in some strange places (and times) even before the Wave made everything that much... stranger?]
Bonnie: Well hey there, stranger...
Omega: Hello, little missy. Long strange trip to get here, eh?
Bonnie: Lookin' like your trip is gonna be long and strange, for sure. You sure you up to this, Jay?
Omega: No... but that's never stopped me before. And hey, if I die you can just get me resurrected again.
Bonnie: That's not funny, Jay Omega. Resurrecting you is a pain in the tit.
[The old friends hug. Jay's eyes close; he takes a gulp of breath and tries to settle his fluttering heartbeat.]
Omega: Just so you know, being a Guardian means more to me than anything. And that's why I'm doing this.
Bonnie: We know, Jay. That doesn't mean we have to like it... any more than anything else we do that we don't like doing, I guess.
Omega: It's a Guardians thing.
Bonnie: Yeah you right.
[They laugh; Jay steps away from Bonnie and heads toward Tasha, Grimmauld and the future.]
Omega: Keep the light on for me; might not be back 'til late. Don't wait up!
[They wave as they watch Guardian Jay Omega enter Grimmauld... they finally give up once the dragon has breached the silo doors, instead choosing to watch as three friends- Tasha, Jay and Grim- take their leave of planet Earth. Bonnie mutters one sentence, summing their feelings up pretty well in such...]
Bonnie: See you soon, space cowboy.
[And, with that, Grimmauld blinks out of sight.]
---------------------------------------------------
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EARTHBOUND MISFITS
Story conceived of and written by Bonnie Blue and the Polar Phantasm
'The Guardians' created by Bonnie Blue, Jay Omega and the Polar Phantasm
(Come home soon, Spaceman.)
----------------------------------------------------
[Scene: outer space; more specifically, the outer rim of the Sol System (roughly 55,000 miles past Neptune). We watch Grimmauld navigate through the blackness of space as a salmon might a stream... and we hear the voices of 'his' occupants as they have a 'private' conversation.]
Tasha: Jay Omega- I did not come across space to mate with you...!
Omega: Really? That's a shame. I figured if nothing else it was at least a go-to suggestion for what we could do until we get to the Daran System.
Tasha: Perhaps... you may have a point. As Imperial Princess, I do have the right to claim any mate that I want-
Omega: Whoa, princess; nobody's talking about claiming anything. You see an empire around here anywhere? No, this is way, way off the clock. Yep... just me and you... nobody's gotta know anything about anything.
[There is a bit of a ruckus; it becomes pretty obvious that it's the ruckus that's made when a man from Earth and a woman from the Daran System try to figure out how each others' clothes fasten.]
Tasha: Jay Omega-
Omega: Just call me Jay, baby.
Tasha: Very well...
[She says his name with a bit of relish on it.]
Tasha: ...Jay... have you ever mated in zero gravity before?
[Omega chuckles deeply... all the princesses in all the space and he gets the one who's freaky right out the box.]
Omega: Why not, there's a first for everything-
[With that, the gravity in their chamber vanishes. At first, they laugh and play... but Tasha sounds somewhat concerned.]
Tasha: Jay... is your ship watching us right now?
Omega: Who, Grimmauld? Eh, maybe... he's-
Tasha: I... have... suddenly remembered I have to unpack my luggage.
[There is a bit of ruckus once more; this is likely the sound of a woman from the Daran System attempting to gather her clothes and make a walk of shame from a starting point hovering somewhere three or four feet above the floor.]
Omega: ...gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
[There is a pause.]
Omega: Cockblocked by a space dragon.
[(c) United Championship Infinite 2016. All rights reserved.]
"Above the planet on a wing and a prayer
My grubby halo a vapor trail in the empty air
Across the clouds I see my shadow fly
Out of the corner of my watering eye
A dream unthreatened by the morning light
Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night
There's no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation... a state of bliss
Can't keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted, just an earth-bound misfit." -Pink Floyd, Learning to Fly
[To Josh; best damn writing partner on the planet, no matter what planet we're talking about.]
---------------------------------------------
At precisely 14:17 that day, NORAD detected a blip as something tore through the atmosphere over the Pacific Ocean, heading toward the San Francisco Bay. When it shifted direction slightly, moving now toward the interior Southwest, the Department of Defence became concerned. Major-General B. Richard Topp -- "Brick" to his friends, if he'd had any -- chomped the stub of an unlit cigar as he scrutinized a display that ranged across several computer monitors.
Whatever they'd picked up had disappeared from radar, which meant it had touched down -- or crashed -- somewhere within two hundred klicks of Cheyenne Mountain. UFO reports were coming in steadily now, all the way from Reno and Las Vegas in Nevada, to Aspen, Denver, and Colorado Springs. The General had choppers in the air in seconds, and teams ready to deploy moments after that. His wasn't the only base in the area; if he didn't get this handled ASAP, chances were the ASA would come down on his neck with both boots. The Director had had it out for him for years.
"General Topp, sir!" A young lieutenant, fresh out of OCS, snapped to attention and saluted sharply. When he returned the salute, she added, "I think you should see this, sir."
With a few keystrokes, a video transmitted itself from the young lieutenant's laptop to the bank of monitors and began to play:
Shaky cinema verite framed the image of a woman who strode purposefully away from a small craft that resembled a fighter jet, in much the same way as a tiger resembles a housecat. Her skin was a deep orchid hue with a bronze glow, as if she'd spent days at a time tanning beneath some alien sun. Easily as tall as any man, with a wild and savage beauty that captivated even the General, she pointed to the first person she saw.
"You! With the bearded neck!" she called, pronouncing each syllable carefully. "Tell me where to find Jay Omega!"
"Who?"
"Omega!" she repeated, grasping him by the front of his shirt. "Do you know nothing of your world's finest warrior?"
"Wh- wha?"
With a disgusted huff, she dropped the hapless hipster and turned her attention on the small crowd that had begun to gather.
"I require Jay Omega! One of you must know of the whereabouts of Earth's mightiest hero! Speak, if you do! My need is great and my patience is short. I will repeat myself but one final time...." She reached over to snatch the smartphone recording her. "Find me the Omega Man!"
And with that, the scene cut out, leaving the General to stare in shock at the now-blank screens.
--------------------------------------------
[Scene: Project: Antarctica, Colorado. It was a regular day as any other at P:A; here in the living quarters, we see Alex Richards, Crystal Bankston (aka Nightmare) and Jay Omega watching afternoon television.]
TV: And we'll be right back with more "The Price is Jacked" after this!
Nightmare: God, I feel like such a moron watching this... but it's just-
Omega: -entertaining as hell?
Nightmare: ...yeah, it is. Ugh, I feel worse saying it out loud!
Richards: That one guy who stole a PS4 by sticking it in his pants... how does that even work?
Omega: Concave crotch?
Nightmare: ...oh god. Is that a thing?
Omega: Television doesn't lie, Crystal.
Richards: Television lies constantly, Jay. Remember when they said Lost was good?
[Jay mumbles his response.]
Omega: .. I liked Lost.
Nightmare: Ugh, you would!
[She hits him with a throw pillow. At this moment, Cameron Bankston (aka the Polar Phantasm) and Bonnie Blue enter the living quarters in a rush; Bonnie points to the TV excitedly.]
Bonnie: Channel six! Now!
Phantasm: Jay, you've gotta see what just landed in Wyoming.
[Omega quickly hops to channel 6; the view from a news/traffic chopper tells the Guardians quite a tale indeed.]
Omega: That's a Darrikaan ship!
Nightmare: Looks like retaliation; look at that trail of destruction!
Phantasm: Actually, that looks like a fairly decent crash landing; the ship's in mostly one piece. And that looks like the pilot; Eye-Seven?
[There is a brief bit of digital noise, then chatter; finally, the voice of everyone's favorite artificial intelligence comes back at the Phantasm (sounding somewhat content).]
Iceberg-Seven: Hello, user 'Polar Phantasm'. It has been a while since we have worked together.
Bonnie: Yeah, we haven't been around here much lately, have we?
Richards: 'Cause we've been crashing at the Sloshed Pit, baby! Happiest place on Earth!
Phantasm: No time for banter- Eye-Seven, blow up that image of the pilot.
Omega: Purple skin, definitely Daarikaan... definitely a she.
Phantasm: Looks like a familiar she, too.
[There is a split second of recognition; before anyone else can react, Jay's already headed for the lift.]
Omega: Guys, we gotta go. Tasha's here.
Richards: Who?
Omega: Princess Tasha! She's gotta be in trouble if she's here-
[The rest of the team head for the lift, knowing Jay will need their help.]
Nightmare: Maybe she just wanted to catch a cup of coffee with you, have a 'get to know you' date.
Phantasm: Doesn't matter- Megs is right. There's no way the Army doesn't shoot her dead or take her alive, one of the two... both are bad for her, and probably really bad for us.
-----------------------------------
[Scene: foothills around Cheyenne Mountain, Wyoming; more specifically, a rocky bluff overlooking the standoff between one purple-skinned woman and roughly two hundred armed troops. We see the Polar Phantasm and Bonnie Blue silently waiting... there's a bit of apprehension on both of their faces; whatever they're waiting for, it's probably one of those 'best idea we've got' options that seem vaguely impossible. These wild ideas are sort of a hallmark of this team; that is both fact and something that will never be a comfort to them.]
Phantasm: Clicking the temp down a few.
Bonnie: Easy does it, Cam; they're not in place yet.
Phantasm: Thinking might be easier if I slide it down than jump it down.
[Sure enough, the temperature drop becomes strong enough to cause a crackle to enter the breeze. The Phantasm's eyes fade in color to a milky white.]
Bonnie: How you doing, Cam?
Phantasm: Haaaangin' in there, Bonnie. A little dizzy but not bad; it's passing pretty quick.
Bonnie: We should be practicin' this stuff more, Cam.
[He giggles a bit. He somewhat bizarrely switches into an Allen Iverson impression.]
Phantasm: We sittin' here, I'm s'posed t'be franchise player... and we in here talkin' bout practice.
Bonnie: I can't tell if you're going dumb on me or if that's just you.
Phantasm: The world may never know! Seriously, I'm already feeling like watching a Judd Apatow movie.
Bonnie: Yeah, you're at least slightly retarded. Still sliding down the temp?
Phantasm: Little bit, yeah.
[Polar's wrist computer broacasts a quiet message from Jay Omega.]
Omega: Alex and Crystal are ready... thirty seconds to go.
Phantasm: We're all over that, Megatron. Polar out.
Bonnie: ...how long you been waiting to call him Megatron?
Phantasm: How long have I known him? Better cinch up that sweater, dear; it's time for this Phantasm to get stupid.
[The whiteness in Polar's eyes deepens, hiding his irises completely. Snow begins to fall, at first in soft sheets... then in cascading, blinding flurries. Jay coordinates once more with his 'cover team'...]
Omega: Ten seconds.
Bonnie: Alright, Bonnie, real fast... make it real slow. No sweat.
[She breathes in an exasperated huff; she rubs her temples briefly before casting her hands forward.]
Omega: Time.
Bonnie: Bend a bit for me, old friend.
[Amidst the sheets of white, time itself slows to a crawl... then, somehow even slower. Princess Tasha notices she's moving much faster than the world around her suddenly... in her confusion, she barely notices the dull electromagnetic hum of the pod-cycle flying toward her at a rapid pace. She turns to see Jay Omega flying toward her at an odd angle, leaning out of his cockpit as off the side of a charging horse. He collects his warrior woman acquaintance with a confident smile.]
Omega: ...you could've just called.
Tasha: I did- quite loudly, I must add.
Omega: Kinda wish I'd have been there for that- I'm sure it sounded fantastic.
--------------------------------
[Meanwhile, in the flurries of flaky distraction... Nightmare and Alex Richards have the fun job of towing Tasha's craft away from the site during the brief window of cover. By lifting the craft onto the Strange Rover... with a hovertank... in blinding snowfall.]
Nightmare: Yeah, how come we get the shit gig here?
Richards: That's pretty fucked up, narrator.
[Because this is for Jay, you jackasses. You wanna trade places with Bonnie and Cam? She's giving herself a migraine and he's amazed by the writing on iCarly right now.]
Nightmare: Well when you put it like that-
Richards: -yeah, nobody wants to be either of them right now. Crystal, we're stealing a spaceship!
Nightmare: Fuck yeah we are! Woooo!
---------------------------------
[Scene: Project: Antarctica, Colorado; more specifically, the hangar. We see Omega's pod-cycle 'land', followed by the DREEM (Nightmare's hovertank) and the Strange Rover (with a small spacecraft strapped to its back). Nikola Tesla and young Jeffy Bankston greet the team upon arrival; it's a big day for Tesla, after all. It's his first chance to get his hands on a Darrikaan craft that's still somewhat functional! Jay helps Tasha out of the cycle; apparently she was comfortable enough with her position in Omega's lap for the flight back from Wyoming. Nightmare leads Polar, who's up and about... just pretty dumb. Bonnie studder-steps her way out of the massive Strange Rover as Tesla approaches, gazing in glee upon the towed ship.]
Tesla: It's magnificent. It will do very nicely...
Jeffy: For what, Uncle Nicky?
Tesla: I'm thinking a left leg, actually.
[Jeffy gasps in wonder. His question is an excited whisper.]
Jeffy (whispered): Like Devastator, Uncle Nicky?
[Tesla smiles a wily, crooked smile.]
Tesla: Yes, young Master Bankston... like Devastator.
[The group meet up, checking each other for injuries and so forth. Well, Polar just stares at Tasha for a moment as if trying to place her.]
Phantasm: Didn't we do a thing with you one time? I remember... blue. Lots of blue.
Tasha: You remember my planet.
Phantasm: That doesn't seem right. Why is your planet lit like a 60s scifi movie?
Tasha: Our sun is a blue giant star.
Phantasm: That would- would that do it?
[He looks at Bonnie with confusion; she nods. He looks back to Tasha.]
Phantasm: Yep; that'd do it!
Nightmare: I'm gonna lay him down for a minute-
[She half drags Polar toward the lift.]
Phantasm: I like when she does that!
[Tasha watches, confounded, as team leader Polar is led off like a child. In front of his own child.]
Bonnie: Using his powers strains Polar's brain quite a bit... might be less if he trained with them.
Omega: Yeah, he doesn't use his frosty powers enough to be able to cause a full-on blizzard and not microwave his brain a little. He's gonna be fine, just...
Richards: ...'til then, Polar's baked Alaska.
[Tasha does not get the joke; Omega just shakes his head.]
Bonnie: What? I thought it was funny. Nice job, Alex.
[She catches herself as she almost falls over.]
Richards: It wasn't that funny...
Tasha: I believe she is about to faint.
Bonnie: I'm fine! Just- gimme a minute 'sall.
---------------------------------
[Scene: Project: Antarctica, Colorado; more specifically, conference room. The team is assembled once more; Bonnie seems fine, and Polar seems relatively normal (if a little 'burnt', to use the parlance of our modern times). Iceberg-Seven has brought up a mock-up of the Daran System; Princess Tasha is amidst her sitrep.]
Tasha: ...our operatives have been unable to find an exact location for the weapon. I have lost many fine operatives in the search and yet we are no closer to preventing the use of this biological weapon. My last hope was to come to this planet and find a human who may fight alongside us... I came in search of this man, the great warrior Jay Omega.
Omega: So... yeah. I'm going.
Phantasm: We'll all go. Bonnie, get Grimmauld prepped...
Omega: You can't.
[They all look to Omega with surprise, even Tasha.]
Omega: The Guardians have plenty of business here on Earth... Chicago's not going to fix itself, team, and Sanchez won't be stopped until someone who can get the job done steps in his way. That will have to be you guys... I haven't seen anything that's told me otherwise.
[There's a sullen silence in the room as they realize Jay's right.]
Omega: I don't want to leave Earth, guys, but... I have to help this woman. She saved my life when we were on her planet, and all she's asking in return is I undertake a suicide mission to save her people from her psychotic sister. Come on- it's a Guardians thing.
[Polar and Bonnie reply.]
Both: We understand.
[Omega smiles.]
Bonnie: I'll talk to Grimmy and explain what's going on... and make sure he knows to get your butt back safe.
[The Daughter of Time heads toward the silo, sighing a bit as she wonders what sort of an adventure Jay is about to find waiting for him out there...]
Phantasm: What about your pod-cycle, Jay?
Omega: I'm leaving it here with you guys... you'll need it for the big deal, whenever that comes together. Let somebody you trust use it... so, in other words, tell Frank not to scratch my paint job.
[Polar smirks at his friend, a man who knows him all too well.]
Omega: You'll probably want to take on another member, too... take a look at Bonnie's ninja friend, Preecha. Talk it over.
Phantasm: Might have some trouble talking to a deaf guy...
Omega: At least your brain's back in order!
Phantasm: ...but I know what you mean.
Richards: Jay- don't leave.
[Polar and Omega turn to see Alex sitting there with a glum look on his face. Nightmare sits next to him just letting this all play out before her; on the one hand she's going to miss Jay, but on the other hand she's not gonna tell him not to chase a space princess. Alex objects once more, seemingly out of nothing more than emotion... and nothing less than genuine, at that.]
Richards: Don't leave, Jay. We just got this party started, man!
Omega: Alex, I'll be back in a little bit... just don't forget how to have fun while I'm gone, ok?
[Alex ponders that idea for a second, reacting with some degree of fear.]
Richards: Oh god, is that a thing?
Phantasm: Tasha- promise me you'll get the Omega Man back to us in one piece.
Tasha: Surely warriors of your stature know that death in battle is a glorious, honorable fate-
[She notices Omega's fervent hand gestures and changes tacks; thankfully, spastically making choking motions and 'X' marks with your wrists seems to do the trick even with women from the Daran System.]
Tasha: -but in order to preserve your friend's life, I shall be as vigilant as I am able.
Nightmare: Hey, you two...
[Jay and Tasha look to Nightmare; her spooky, sadistic smile causes both to raise an eyebrow slightly.]
Nightmare: Whatever you two get into up in space alone together...
[She lets that hang for a pause, trying not to laugh.]
Nightmare: ...save some purple asses for the rest of us to kick, yeah?
[Relief spreads on both of their faces; apparently fighting an interplanetary civil war is easier to discuss than Intergalactic Humanoid Biology 102 (Fucking in the Daran System and You: A Survey).]
Omega: You got it, Crys.
Tasha: There will be plenty for you Guardians to do to help once your troubles with this Sann Chezz are taken care of.
[Omega laughs a bit; the other Guardians are slightly more successful at holding it back, but only slightly. Tasha looks around as if missing something.]
Tasha: Did something happen?
Omega: It's fine, uh, princess; gonna go pack, be back in a few!
[Once the Omega Man and Princess of Space have departed, it leaves three of the soon-to-be four total Guardians... the Lady of Rage, the Icy Manipulator and the Archduke of Mass Confusion... to ponder the future.]
Nightmare: We're gonna be so screwed without Jay.
[Alex sighs.]
Phantasm: We'll make due without Megs for a bit... that I'm sure of. My worry is that Megs and Tasha might be screwed without us.
----------------------------------------------------
[Scene: Project: Antarctica, Colorado; more specifically, the missile silo. Tasha boards the techno-organic 'space dragon' vessel Grimmauld, set for a journey back to the Daran System... taking his time following is Jay Omega. He notices his friends are all lined up to say goodbye and steps over to give them a moment.]
Tesla: Master James, do be careful out there... and bring me anything of interest that you find in the outer realms.
Omega: Of course, Nicky-
Tesla: -don't... ugh.
Omega: -you know I'd never let you down. Keep an eye on the team, will ya?
Tesla: Damnit, Jim- I'm an engineer, not a lifeguard!
[Tesla may as well have said he was a babysitter; he's certainly journeyman if not expert at the craft by now. His usual ward, young Jeffrey Bankston, pops up to tell his Uncle Jay goodbye.]
Jeffy: Uncle Jay, can I go to space too?
Omega: No, Jeffy; you've gotta stay here and take care of your parents for me. Ok?
Jeffy: OK.
[The young boy sighs exasperatedly.]
Jeffy: Are you going away with the pretty purple lady forever, Uncle Jay?
Omega: Of course not, Jeffy- I'll be back quicker than you know. I may even bring pretty purple lady back with me, if I play my cards... you know. Heh.
[Next to Jeffy is his mother, the lovely and dangerous Crystal Bankston.]
Nightmare: Jay... you've been like a brother to me. And we've had so much fun blowing shit up.
Jeffy: MOMMY CURSING!
[Everyone shushes Jeffrey; he begins to cry a little, but just hides behind Alex Richards.]
Omega: Crystal... you're gonna be fine for a while without me. Ok? You'll find some other nice fella to blow stuff up with, and hopefully he never asks if my explosions are bigger than his.
[She tries not to laugh, but by the end of the line all of the Guardians are laughing (Omega included). Nightmare gives Jay Omega a big hug.]
Nightmare: Don't you go making a bunch of pretty purple babies and not bring 'em back here to show 'em off to their Auntie Crystal.
Omega: Fuck's sake, Crystal, you could at least let me put my dick in this broad before you've got me raising an alien family.
Nightmare: Jay- Jeffy's here!
Jeffy: Go get her, Uncle Jay!
Omega: Face it, Crystal- your kid is awesome.
[Jay turns to see Alex Richards trying to hold back a tear.]
Richards: Take me with you, man- you know you could use the help.
Omega: Yeah, but so can UCI. So can post-Wave Earth. So can the Guardians. This is where you belong, man.
Richards: Don't say that-
Omega: Alex. Listen to me. Listen to your old friend Jay Omega. Alex-
[Alex looks him dead in the eyes.]
Omega: -you are a Guardian. You're one of the mightiest men on the planet; you are part of a band of demigods. And you are not here on accident. You have the best teammates in human history, a rising star in the wrestling business and a better time on most nights than normal people have ever had without needing a hospital trip. I'll be back soon, and you and me are gonna tear the planet up when I get home... just make sure the planet's still here when I get back. Alright, man?
[Alex can only nod.]
Richards: Here; for your trip.
[He takes a keg-sized backpack off and hands it to Omega; its weight is obviously greater than Jay estimated.]
Richards: And you remember the recipe, right?
[Omega just gives his friend a sly nod.]
Omega: Never know when such a multi-tasker of a liquid will come in handy. Thanks, Alex.
Richards: Drink it in good health, my man... and find out if her crazy sister said anything about me, ok?
[Jay can't help but laugh at that. Before him stands a man who he'd only known in passing before the Wave, yet since then has loomed so large in his life...]
Phantasm: I don't think any of us yet realize just how much we're gonna miss you, man.
Omega: I know I sure won't know what to do without your crazy ass wife yelling at me all day or your crazy ass son jumping on my bed while I'm sleeping.
Phantasm: That's just how they show you they like you.
Omega: Cam, you're a son of a bitch and I'm sorry I ever met you.
Phantasm: Jay, your hair looks stupid and you smell funny.
[They both laugh a bit, then there is a tremendous embrace.]
Omega: If I die on Aja Darrik, conquer it and rename it Omegaland.
Phantasm: Eh, maybe- only if... you conquer the planet first, you name it Planet: Antarctica for me. Take pictures.
[Jay releases the Phantasm, nodding.]
Omega: It's a great name for a desert planet. Some excellent planning there, boss.
Phantasm: Eh, I have a weird sense of humor. Hey, Jay-
Omega: Yeah?
Phantasm: I love you, man.
[Omega tries his hardest to deadpan his answer.]
Omega: I know.
[It takes Polar a second, but...]
Phantasm: Mother fucker, did you just Han Solo me?
[Omega snickers as he turns to the last in line... a woman he'd fought alongside in some strange places (and times) even before the Wave made everything that much... stranger?]
Bonnie: Well hey there, stranger...
Omega: Hello, little missy. Long strange trip to get here, eh?
Bonnie: Lookin' like your trip is gonna be long and strange, for sure. You sure you up to this, Jay?
Omega: No... but that's never stopped me before. And hey, if I die you can just get me resurrected again.
Bonnie: That's not funny, Jay Omega. Resurrecting you is a pain in the tit.
[The old friends hug. Jay's eyes close; he takes a gulp of breath and tries to settle his fluttering heartbeat.]
Omega: Just so you know, being a Guardian means more to me than anything. And that's why I'm doing this.
Bonnie: We know, Jay. That doesn't mean we have to like it... any more than anything else we do that we don't like doing, I guess.
Omega: It's a Guardians thing.
Bonnie: Yeah you right.
[They laugh; Jay steps away from Bonnie and heads toward Tasha, Grimmauld and the future.]
Omega: Keep the light on for me; might not be back 'til late. Don't wait up!
[They wave as they watch Guardian Jay Omega enter Grimmauld... they finally give up once the dragon has breached the silo doors, instead choosing to watch as three friends- Tasha, Jay and Grim- take their leave of planet Earth. Bonnie mutters one sentence, summing their feelings up pretty well in such...]
Bonnie: See you soon, space cowboy.
[And, with that, Grimmauld blinks out of sight.]
---------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------
EARTHBOUND MISFITS
Story conceived of and written by Bonnie Blue and the Polar Phantasm
'The Guardians' created by Bonnie Blue, Jay Omega and the Polar Phantasm
(Come home soon, Spaceman.)
----------------------------------------------------
[Scene: outer space; more specifically, the outer rim of the Sol System (roughly 55,000 miles past Neptune). We watch Grimmauld navigate through the blackness of space as a salmon might a stream... and we hear the voices of 'his' occupants as they have a 'private' conversation.]
Tasha: Jay Omega- I did not come across space to mate with you...!
Omega: Really? That's a shame. I figured if nothing else it was at least a go-to suggestion for what we could do until we get to the Daran System.
Tasha: Perhaps... you may have a point. As Imperial Princess, I do have the right to claim any mate that I want-
Omega: Whoa, princess; nobody's talking about claiming anything. You see an empire around here anywhere? No, this is way, way off the clock. Yep... just me and you... nobody's gotta know anything about anything.
[There is a bit of a ruckus; it becomes pretty obvious that it's the ruckus that's made when a man from Earth and a woman from the Daran System try to figure out how each others' clothes fasten.]
Tasha: Jay Omega-
Omega: Just call me Jay, baby.
Tasha: Very well...
[She says his name with a bit of relish on it.]
Tasha: ...Jay... have you ever mated in zero gravity before?
[Omega chuckles deeply... all the princesses in all the space and he gets the one who's freaky right out the box.]
Omega: Why not, there's a first for everything-
[With that, the gravity in their chamber vanishes. At first, they laugh and play... but Tasha sounds somewhat concerned.]
Tasha: Jay... is your ship watching us right now?
Omega: Who, Grimmauld? Eh, maybe... he's-
Tasha: I... have... suddenly remembered I have to unpack my luggage.
[There is a bit of ruckus once more; this is likely the sound of a woman from the Daran System attempting to gather her clothes and make a walk of shame from a starting point hovering somewhere three or four feet above the floor.]
Omega: ...gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
[There is a pause.]
Omega: Cockblocked by a space dragon.
[(c) United Championship Infinite 2016. All rights reserved.]
