Windy City Stories Part 4: Push Me Pull Me
Jul 24, 2016 9:10:51 GMT -6
The Polar Phantasm and Bonnie Blue like this
Post by Alex Richards on Jul 24, 2016 9:10:51 GMT -6
Part 1- Church of Food Fight!
The African Grey parrot flies around the room at top speed, obviously not used to 21st century living and panicing. Which even if it was used to the modern world being used to the Sloshed Pit is a whole different ball game. The pirate garbed Alex Richards, sporting a red bandana covering his bald head and a fake eye patch, as well as carrying a cutlass and a blunderbuss gun turns to his friend and teammate Bonnie Blur who is also dressed in pirate attire. Shockingly authenic pirate clothing for that matter. It is to be noted that in addition to the red coat, and vest, and short pirate pants she wears a black pirate style hat.
Alex Richards: I thought it was gonna stay on my shoulder.
Bonnie Blue: I told you it didn't work that way.
Alex Richards: The last parrot I had did.
Bonnie Blue: That's because it was a prop.
Alex Richards: Oh yeah... shit, I must be drunk aren't I?
Bonnie laughs.
Bonnie Blue: Are you ever not drunk?
Alex shudders.
Alex Richards: I was once. Worst 10 minutes of my life!
Bonnie Blue: But since you're always drunk you probably aren't acting strange because of that. I'll bet it's because of that cannon you got hit in the head with.
Alex Richards: Yeah but those guys follow the rules. They ran out of cannon balls. I thought I was home free.
Bonnie Blue: Ya'll would think that.. except that... they were pirates.
Alex Richards: Oh yeah! And that's why I like hanging out with you Bonnie. You got us the realest pirate costumes ever! Straight from Bluebeard!
Bonnie Blue: Actually it was Blackbeard.
Alex Richards: Either way having a teammate with a time traveling Ranchero rules!
Bonnie Blue: I was just going to borrow the clothes but then James Teach started ranting about how woman were bad luck and didn't have the balls to be pirates. I was even gonna let that go. Then he said he had a sword he wanted to ram right through me while rubbing his crotch.
Alex Richards: You kidding? You're more bad ass then the whole ship of pirates! If they would have seen the firepower on your Ranchero...
Bonnie Blue: Not much of a women's movement back in the 1800s. Even so after that he'll always remember Bonnie Blue.
Alex with a proud showy movement places a metal colander, normally used of course for straining water from pasta, on top of Bonnie's head then a second one on top of his own. The crowd gathering around the bar, a much much larger crowd then usual lets out a large cheer, with a bunch of arrrrrrrrrrs and some aye aye captains thrown in. The crowd gathered round are also wearing pirate outfits for the most part, most with colanders on their heads as well/ Bonnie laughs briefly.
Bonnie Blue: I can't believe your religion wears colanders and pirate get up.
Alex Richards: Don't mock my god! The Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster has many noodly apendages of vengeance! Besides what's more comfortable, stuffy church clothes or looking like a bad ass pirate? Wearing one of those giant neck hurting pope hats or a breathable colander?
Bonnie raises her hands in mock surrender.
Bonnie Blue: I was just giving you'all a hard time.
Alex Richards: I take my religion seriously! As as the leader of Pastafarians in the entire state of Illinois it's my duty to bring ALL OF THE FOLLOWERS OF THE GIANT SPAGHETTI MONSTER TOGETHER TO WORSHIP!
This draws a cheer from the crowd.
Alex Richards: Now later tonight... we're going to watch Pirates of the Carribean, then enjoy a few... hundred drinks while listening to the pirate themed stylings of Temporal Wonkiness.
And there sits the house band themselves, not dressed in any pirate attire at all but drinking a bottle of rum. I guess that counts.
Alex Richards: But first we take communion! And what a communion it is! We have Fedaccunni Alfredo, we have spaghetti with red sauce, with white sauce, with meatballs, we have macaroni with cheese, we have kraft dinner, we have pasta salad, tuna casserole, chicken and spinach tetrazenni, bowtie pasta with mozerella and red peppers, we have lasanga, and manaconi.. we have... okay we have a lot of pasta! And tonight we all eat, drink and be merry in the name of our God... the Giant Spaghetti Monster who said onto you... dude... we can always make more.. fucking eat me!
Bonnie whispers over.
Bonnie Blue: No way any God ever said that.
Alex ignores this and continues his speech.
Alex Richards: Tonight's communion will be served buffet style because much like you can serve pasta al dente the monster says this... why do any more work then you have to?
And with that the meals begins.. people line up and begin ladling the delicious pasta dishes onto their plates. Alex and Bonnie join the line and soon enough are seated at a table with heaping plates of food for themselves. Bonnie however looks tenative.. eying the beef stroganoff on her plate, before stabbing and chewing carefully. She then reacts with surprise.
Bonnie Blue: You can actually cook? How did you learn to cook?
Alex shrugs.
Alex Richards: I dunno. Apparently I used to get drunk and break into restaurant kitchens and whip stuff up. I don't remember it though, because I didn't do it until I got black out drunk. And you know there's.. a fine line you gotta walk between black out drunk and passed out drunk.
Bonnie Blue: You're a strange guy Alex.
Alex Richards: Says the girl who offered to go back to 1797 for pirate clothes.
Bonnie Blue: You said this was important. If it's important to you.. it's important to the Guardians. Besides I think this is a whole lot more then all you can eat pasta.
Alex Richards: To paraphrase Polar Phantasm.. yeah you right. Wish that dude was here, he'd love getting high and chowing down on some of this sweet spread.
Bonnie Blue: Speaking of which.. that would help a girl's appetite.
Alex reaches under the table and pulls out.. what appears to be a bong shaped like a spaghetti bowl.
Bonnie Blue: This shouldn't work..
Alex Richards: I got Tesla to make it for me. Bitched like mad that it was a waste of his talents.
Bonnie takes a hit off it.
Bonnie Blue: It does work.
They spend a little time hitting the bong before returning to conversation. Smoking before getting down to business has to be one of the Guardians rules.
Bonnie Blue: Have you noticed the people hanging out in the neighbourhood lately?
Alex Richards: They ain't local are they?
Bonnie Blue: Not at all. You've seen a lot of the neighbourhood hoods. Mostly hanging out here.
Alex says slightly defensively.
Alex Richards: At least it keeps em off the streets.
Bonnie Blue: Nah, they ain't serious trouble most of them. But these guys... it seems like they are on the streets just to loot, just to hurt people, just to mess things up.
Alex Richards: Yeah.. I noticed.. this is my neighbourhood.. Wicker Park is my part of Chicago.. and these guys... they ain't from around here. They ain't kids blowing off steam fighting. They ain't rival gangs fighting for turfs.. They ain't..
Bonnie Blue: They ain't... all human.
Alex Richards: You said it Bonnie. Something's different about them. Something twisted.
Bonnie Blue: Well the Wave effected us Guardians. Unfortunately it looks like it effected some of the bad people too.
Alex Richards: I was talking to Crazy Jimmy last week....
Bonnie Blue: That guy ain't right. I don't know how much stock I would put in what he said.
Alex Richards: He was scared half to death. Came in here covered with dried blood. Said this guys came out of nowhere, like he dropped out of the sky beside him and just ripped the head off his friend Buddy the Blade. With his bare hands with no effort. Then he walked away as if it was nothing.
Bonnie Blue: See, that doesn't jive with me. Why would someone who could do something like that leave a witness?
Alex Richards: I think it's Mayor Sanchez behind this.
Bonnie Blue: He would leave witnesses to spread panic.
Alex Richards: Fuck yeah he would! |This is Wicker Park.. this is Chicago.. this is my fucking city Bonnie! You think I'm gonna stand by and let Scamchez fuck it up?
Bonnie Blue: I haven't known you to ever give up without a fight so obviously the answer is no.
Alex Richards: Fuck yeah it is! You know what I heard on the streets? The honourable mayor is banning organized religion in the city! So what did I do? Threw this all you can eat Pastafarian Communion celebration and advertised the fuck out of it! Fuck you Mayor Sanchez... you don't own this city! We do what we fucking want! We worship what we fucking want!
Bonnie Blue: And more importantly.. doing things like this draws the people together. We're going to need re-enforcements to take back this city from Sanchez.
Alex Richards: Damn right... Davey boy shouldn't have fucked with the people of Chicago.. he shouldn't have fucked with the Guardians.. he shouldn't..
The door swings open and in steps.. David Sanchez's number two guy.. Mister Wright. Who walks in like his owns the place, smiling in spite of the still slightly swollen and red splinted nose. He looks over at Alex and Bonnie, still grinning, as he hocks.. then spits right in the middle of the macaroni salad. Alex looks at Bonnie, then stands up smiling walking towards Taylor.
Alex Richards: I know I thought you would love it here with that big tomato in the middle of your face you look ready for spaghetti already.
Mr. Wright: Yeah, that's funny to you isn't it? You sucker punch me and then laugh about it. Well laugh about this.
Taylor picks up a loaf of garlic bread from the large table of food and slaps Alex across the face with it smearing garlic on his cheek. Alex does indeed laugh.
Alex Richards: This is your first time here, right?
Mr. Wright: I wouldn't be caught dead here normally! Our honourable mayor banned all organized religion... even stupid, moronic religions like this one!
Alex Richards: Then you haven't been baptized have you? In the name of the pasta, the sauce, and the holy toast!
And with that Alex dumps a full pot of spaghetti with meatballs on the head of Taylor Wright. The sauce drips down the face of the fuming Wright.
Mr. Wright: Yeah? Well here's some for you!
Taylor picks up a pot of his own.. this one happening to be macaroni and cheese and dumps it onto Alex's head. But most of it's deflected by the colander he's wearing on his head.
Alex Richards: See? That's what happens what you don't properly respect other people's religions. You know how often a pastafarian meeting ends in a food fight? Enough to need protection!
Mr. Wright: Well then... try the perogies..
Taylor fires a series of perogies into Alex's open mouth, causing the archduke to choke
Meanwhile in another part of the bar Alex's friend Steven Osbourne has been working the room. Tonight he is dressed all in gold, with a pink feather boa, and wearing a title belt around his waist. It appears in addition to eating pasta he is trying to pick up women. First approaching a blonde with the line..
Steven Osbourne: You want to touch it.
Woman: Sure..
The lady reaches for the title belt and..
Steven Osbourne: Hey! Hey! Hey! Nobody touches my HWA world heavyweight championship except for me! I wanted you to touch my Big Stevie!
Woman: Whatever! You probably won that in a facebook fed anyways.
Steven Osbourne: Hoe!
Steven tries again, this time with a middle aged brunette who is eating a plate of spaghetti. Steven reaches in and pulls out the longest strand of spaghetti.
Steven Osbourne: You see how long this is? Mine is much much longer.
Brunnette: You have a longer piece of spaghetti.
Steven Osbourne: Of course not! I have a longer tool!
Brunnette: Oh really?
Steven Osbourne: Text me.
Steven jots down his digits for the girl then notices the fight that has been going on in the bar. He probably should have noticed earlier but he has tunnel vision when it comes to women. He grabs a pitcher of water and sneaks up on Wright... only to have the glass jug snatched from his hands by Bonnie Blue.
Steven Osbourne: Hey! I could have taken him!
Bonnie Blue: That's not the Guardian way! A fair one on one fight is a fair one on one fight. Besides you don't think Alex is gonna take him?
Steven Osbourne: He's choking right now.
Bonnie Blue: He's fine.Go back to disappointing those poor girls.
Steven Osbourne: I could disappoint you.
Bonnie Blue: You would.
Steven Osbourne: I... um.. have a nice day.
Steven gives up attempting to verbally spar with Bonnie and returns to the bimbos. Meanwhile Taylor gloats as Alex is turning red.
Mr. Wright: Now who looks like a tomato, huh? Where's your stupid, fake God now! Our mayor is right.. God doesn't help you!
Alex swallows. Takes a few deep breathes and..
Alex Richards: Goat Cheese and Bacon... so fucking good it's worth risking death over! Want to try some?
Alex tosses a handful of perogies at Taylor who bats them aside then returns fire with a fistful of spoons. Which bounce off of Alex's head as he retailates by whipping Wright across the eyes with some al dente fettacini. Wright tosses them aside only to get nailed directly in the kisser with a gravy boat!
Alex Richards: Hail Mary full of grace here's gravy in yo face.. bitch!
Mr. Wright: Why is there fucking gravy with pasta?
Alex Richards: Everything is better with gravy!
Alex ducks a wild toss of some chicken fried rice. As Taylor looks for something else Alex approaches Bonnie.
Alex Richards: Jesus, help this poor woman's arthritis so she can help me throw these watermelons in your holy catapult lord.
Bonnie Blue: First off.. don't have arthritis. Secondly there aren't any watermelons. Third.. no catapult either.
Mr. Wright: Yes.. there is.
And with that Alex takes a direct hit of lazanga to the chest from a homemade catapult. Spattering all over his previously ugly shirt which is now ugly with tomato sauce all over it.
Alex Richards: I was gonna use that to send Pastafarian bibles over all Chicago?
Mr. Wright: What the hell is a Pastafarian bible?
Alex points behind Taylor to the large stack of Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson books.
Alex Richards: It was either that or the joy of cooking.
Taylor kicks over the books then is hit in the back of the head with some creamy chicken terrazini! Alex meanwhile looks around talking to his followers who are certainly entertained with tonight's proceedings.
Alex Richards: Passing round this here collection basket so we can put more things into our holy catapults. Lord bless us with 55 gallons of creamed corn!
Taylor dumps the pot of spiced sausage penne on Alex's head leaving the pot there and beating on the outside of it with a metal serving ladle.
Alex Richards: That we might baptize these non believers with your holy muck of mighty Giant Spaghetti Monster! Feel the power!
Taylor trips Alex knocking him into the table which just so happens to contain his brother Shaun Zach.
SZR: Umm Alex, you might try fighting back.
Alex Richards: Nah, little bro. I got this.
Alex advances on Taylor who is looking for more pasta to throw from the table.
Alex Richards: His noodleness needs catapults that can reach the moon! His noodly apendenges know no bounds.. and no mercy!
Mr. Wright: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Alex Richards: If you want to be saved.. text 1-800-94-JENNY to donate. Watch out for the rug!
Mr. Wright: What?
Alex Richards: I warned ya..
Alex reaches down and pulls on the ugly shag carpet rug in front of the buffet causing Taylor to take a tumble.
Alex Richards: Funny story. That rug really is there just to trip people.
Alex boots Taylor in the head the second he recovered his footing knocking him down again.
Alex Richards: This is really gonna hurt. But you wanted a holy war..
Alex grabs Taylor for a belly to back suplex into a choke slam, the Final Enlightenment right through the serving table.. but at the last second Taylor face palms Alex snapping his head back and driving them both through the table hard! Bonnie starts to walk over to check on Alex as Taylor and Alex try to get back to their feet, seemingly intent on continuing the fight. When all of the sudden two more men rush into the bar, sawed off shotguns in hand trained in the direction of Alex Richards. Too bad for them they didn't pay any attention to Bonnie who tosses her cutlass at the guns of the guards knocking them from their hands. They turn towards Bonnie only to see she already has out his blunderbuss and it's turned on them. Alex gets up pulling out his own pirate pistol as Taylor Wright looks disgusted.
Mr. Wright: Just like you Guardian cowards to out number us like this!
Alex Richards: There's two of us and three of you!
Mr. Wright: Yeah... well you have guns!
Bonnie Blue: Your goons pulled the guns first. I was just better than them.
Alex Richards: Just like I was better then you Taylor.
Mr. Wright: Were not!
Alex Richards: What color underwear are you wearing this time Taylor?
Taylor goes red in the face either out of anger or embarassed. Probably wondering how Alex could know about his embarassing moment with a certain special lady. He decides to respond in a vulgar manner.
Mr. Wright: Fuck you!
Alex Richards: I think it's time you guys get the fuck out!
Mr. Wright: I think you're scared!
Alex Richards: Of Sanchez's lap dog?
Mr. Wright: If you're not... you would put this bar on the line against me!
Alex Richards: I'm not afraid of you.. everytime we fight I get the better of you.
Mr. Wright: So you'll have no problem fighting me at Beachmania for the rights to this dump. I think with some work this could be the new town dump.
Bonnie meanwhile has noticed one of the guards, apparently the sneakier one reaching for his discarded gun and she roundhouse kicks him in the skull koing the hapless bodyguard.
Bonnie Blue: We've already served you guys enough food. I think it's time you pack up and go before we get nasty.
Alex Richards: Oh... and Wright... make sure you pay attention to what Sanchez does to that guard. I don't think he deals well with people who fail him.
Taylor mutters something under his breathe and walks off with the one guard carrying out the other behind him.
Bonnie Blue: I think he looked worried.
Alex Richards: He should be worried.
Bonnie Blue: You let him goad you into putting the bar on the line.
Alex Richards: Nothing worth having isn't worth fighting for.
Bonnie nods and the band Temporal Wonkiness takes the stage drowning out all talk with a funk version of Kung Fu Fighting.
Scene 2: I Dream Of Beaver
The scene fades in in black and white. Alex Richards is walking wearing what appears to be overalls and no shirt. He looks around at the white picket fence confused.
Alex Richards: (thinking to himself) Black and white? Is this is a dream? Where am I anyways? Normally when I dream in black and white I would have seen Uncle Fester by now maybe ate a few lightbulbs. This isn't gonna be that dream where I have a threesome with Morticia and Cousin It again isn't it? I mean I like a little hair but that's just too much.
Alex notices a house.. since it's a dream he just walks right up and knocks on the door all of the sudden cheesy music starts to play, it may be the real theme but this is from Alex's memory so probably not, and an announcer begins to speak.
Announcer: Leave It To Beaver starring some people you don't care about and Dustin Beaver as the Beaver!
Alex Richards: Oh fudge.. I fudging hated this show enough when it was the real thing not the version starring gosh darn Dustin Beaver!
Alex looks puzzled as if he's wondering why he isn't cursing a blue streak like he usually does. Then the door opens and Dustin Beaver appears at the door wearing a baseball cap, and the Beaver's usual plaid shirt as well as the Beaver's uneven bowl cut looking hair cut. But otherwise.. it's Dustin Beaver.
Dustin Beaver: Howdy Mister!
Alex Richards: Dustin Beaver? I heard you were dead!
Dustin Beaver: Gosh no!
Alex Richards: I guess just your career is.
Cue the laugh track... this laugh track.
Dustin Beaver: Golly.. mister that's a mean thing to say.
Alex Richards: It's also true.
Dustin Beaver: That's what makes it so mean!
The laugh track plays again as Alex pushes down Dustin relatively gently but he flies across the room landing hard in the chesterfield couch. Alex then heads off in the direction of the kitchen.
Alex Richards: If I gotta be in a dream with Dustin Beaver then I gotta be drunk.
Alex starts to rifle through cubboards tossing out canned soups, chex mix, peas, corn, sardines, tuna.
Alex Richards: There has got to be some alcohol somewhere.
Dustin Beaver: You don't want to mess with alcohol mister. It's dangerous!
Alex continues to look before finally emerging with a whoop with a bottle of cooking sherry.
Alex Richards: Close enough!
Alex begins to down the bottle as Ward and June Beaver appear at the doorway of the kitchen next to their son.
Ward Beaver: I don't think you understand the dangers of the drink son.
Alex Richards: I'm not your son!
June Cleaver: Yes you are. See, drinking has you all confused.
Alex Richards: I'm the Beaver's brother. You got to be joshing me!
Ward Beaver: See here Alex.. we don't use language like that in this home. And you would know that if you wouldn't under the influence of the drink.
Alex turns his head in a downcast manner.
Alex Richards: I'm sorry.
Ward Beaver: See you aren't yourself when you drink son. And look at how upset it makes your mother.
We pan over to June Beaver who is crying into her apron.
Alex Richards: Gosh, I never thought my drinking would hurt other people. I\m gonna go ride a bike instead!
The Beavers all wave as Alex goes outside, gets on an antique but I guess then now Swinn bicycle and bikes off ringing the bell and heading off into the sunlight as the cheesy theme starts up again.
Alex screams!
He sits up in bed and looks around.
Alex Richards: Oh hell no! I'm not going out like that!
Alex opens the nightstand beside his bed and reaches in pulling out a bottle of Xanax and a flask. He quickly dumps some pills into his hand.. washes it down with the flask and soon he's back in dreamland...
This time Dustin Beaver and his friend Eddie Haskell are in the backyard playing catch where Alex Richards busts through the picket fence kicking pieces of wood aside.
Dustin Beaver: How's your drinking problem brother Alex.
Alex Richards: No problem at all. I got the good stuff this time!
Alex reveals two bottles of Johnny Walker scotch. He takes a long haul off of one of them and offers the second to Dustin.
Dustin Beaver: Gosh, I don't drink.
Alex Richards: If I was you I would fucking drink.
Dustin Beaver: You can't say that.
Alex Richards: The fuck I can't!
Eddie Haskell: I want a fucking drink! Then we can toss this fucker through the kitchen window!
Dustin Beaver: Eddie.. I thought you were my friend.
Alex Richards: Oh please. Since when he has Dustin Beaver ever been loyal to any of his friends. As a guardian the way you use and discard people kind of makes me mad. I mean I wouldn't have aligned with the likes of Kyle Kemp or the Beach Krew in the first place but I certainly wouldn't have just abandoned them if I did.
Dustin Beaver: Hey.. that's not true. I still hang out with Wade Moor! Yeah... proved you wrong.
Alex Richards: That's only because Wade just came back and hasn't been around long enough to get sick of you. Ask Wade Moor what's it's like to get in the ring with the Archduke though.
Dustin Beaver: I did. He refused to talk about it. Just shook his head and cried.
Alex Richards: Maybe you guys are a real team after all.
Dustin Beaver: Thanks.. wait a minute! You're making fun of the Beavs.
Alex Richards: Everyone is making fun of you. You just aren't smart enough to realize it. Besides I saw a few episodes of the show, Eddie wasn't really your friend. Just like no one in the UCI is really your friend. You have legendary retired wrestler Vengeance in your corner and how has it helped you?
Dustin Beaver: Hey.. I umm... umm... won the television title.
Alex Richards: And kept it for an impressive one week! You beat Wendy for it then lost it back to him the very next week. And then... and then? What did you do next?
Dustin Beaver: I'm working on it.
Alex Richards: You were a terrible partner for my buddy Jay Omega. Which is actually why I'm gonna help Eddie here throw you through that window. But besides your one win for the television title.. you did nothing Beaver! How long before Vengeance leaves you too? I mean he was a man who accomplished stuff. You didn't even have the balls to ask for a re match. Or even a match with Wendy after he lost the title. Was that because you knew your one win over him was a fluke?
Dustin looks at the ground and mumbles.
Dustin Beaver: Yes.
Alex Richards: At least you'll admit it here in this dream. I'll bet tomorrow real life Dustin Beaver is going to talk a whole bunch of smack. Probably about how off my gourd I am. How someone as crazy as me can't possibly beat him. Then of course the match will happen and Dustin will do what Dustin does best. Get his ass kicked.
Dustin Beaver: You can't say ass.
Eddie Haskell: ASSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Alex Richards: Last week I beat the ACTUAL world champion Kyle Cameron. He was a big talker too just like you Beaver. But I shut him up! And the difference is, he's at least earned world title shots. What reason do you have to be such a big shit talker?
Dustin Beaver: Makes me feel like a big boy!
Alex Richards: Not a good reason. Acting like your world class only working if you actually are. Otherwise you just get your ass kicked... like this..
Alex and Eddie then grab the Beav and pitch him right through the window where Ward and June Beaver are inside smoking cigarettes.
Ward Beaver: I just love lucky strikes.
June Beaver: And I love lucky strikes light. The cigarette for femenine mouths.
Ward Beaver: What are you doing in here you little shit?
Dustin Beaver: Alex and Eddie threw me in.
Ward Beaver: Nobody likes a tattletale you little bitch! Now get the fuck out of here before I spank the fuck out of you!
Dustin jumps back through the window and runs down the street crying.
June Beaver: Ward.. I think you're being a little hard on the Beaver.
Ward Cleaver: What do I care? He's not our son anyways. We're the Cleavers not the Beavers.
June Cleaver: Oh thank god. I was worried about the gals at the PTA would think of me having such a loser for a son.
Alex Richards: Speaking of being hard on your beaver I'm hard and you have a...
June Cleaver: Oh god yes!
And with that June shoves down Ward and Alex and her head off to the bed room. The door closes because really do you want me to write a sex scene dream involving Alex Richards and a fictional 50 tv's mom? The door swings open and Alex pops his head out.
Alex Richards: Hey Dustin Beaver... I fucked your mom! Sort of.
Alex wakes up again this time with a semi smile on his face.
Alex Richards: I'm having dreams about June Cleaver? Yeah... I need to get laid. And Dustin Beaver?
Alex rolls over and goes back to bed mumbling before he falls asleep.
Alex Richards: Bet he isn't gonna be anymore of a challenge in real life.
And he wasn't. Alex continued on his winning streak destroying Dustin Beaver, scoring his third win in a row, bringing himself that much closer to his hard fought for title shot. Dustin tried his best but as has often been the case in the UCI his best wasn't good enough.
The End
The African Grey parrot flies around the room at top speed, obviously not used to 21st century living and panicing. Which even if it was used to the modern world being used to the Sloshed Pit is a whole different ball game. The pirate garbed Alex Richards, sporting a red bandana covering his bald head and a fake eye patch, as well as carrying a cutlass and a blunderbuss gun turns to his friend and teammate Bonnie Blur who is also dressed in pirate attire. Shockingly authenic pirate clothing for that matter. It is to be noted that in addition to the red coat, and vest, and short pirate pants she wears a black pirate style hat.
Alex Richards: I thought it was gonna stay on my shoulder.
Bonnie Blue: I told you it didn't work that way.
Alex Richards: The last parrot I had did.
Bonnie Blue: That's because it was a prop.
Alex Richards: Oh yeah... shit, I must be drunk aren't I?
Bonnie laughs.
Bonnie Blue: Are you ever not drunk?
Alex shudders.
Alex Richards: I was once. Worst 10 minutes of my life!
Bonnie Blue: But since you're always drunk you probably aren't acting strange because of that. I'll bet it's because of that cannon you got hit in the head with.
Alex Richards: Yeah but those guys follow the rules. They ran out of cannon balls. I thought I was home free.
Bonnie Blue: Ya'll would think that.. except that... they were pirates.
Alex Richards: Oh yeah! And that's why I like hanging out with you Bonnie. You got us the realest pirate costumes ever! Straight from Bluebeard!
Bonnie Blue: Actually it was Blackbeard.
Alex Richards: Either way having a teammate with a time traveling Ranchero rules!
Bonnie Blue: I was just going to borrow the clothes but then James Teach started ranting about how woman were bad luck and didn't have the balls to be pirates. I was even gonna let that go. Then he said he had a sword he wanted to ram right through me while rubbing his crotch.
Alex Richards: You kidding? You're more bad ass then the whole ship of pirates! If they would have seen the firepower on your Ranchero...
Bonnie Blue: Not much of a women's movement back in the 1800s. Even so after that he'll always remember Bonnie Blue.
Alex with a proud showy movement places a metal colander, normally used of course for straining water from pasta, on top of Bonnie's head then a second one on top of his own. The crowd gathering around the bar, a much much larger crowd then usual lets out a large cheer, with a bunch of arrrrrrrrrrs and some aye aye captains thrown in. The crowd gathered round are also wearing pirate outfits for the most part, most with colanders on their heads as well/ Bonnie laughs briefly.
Bonnie Blue: I can't believe your religion wears colanders and pirate get up.
Alex Richards: Don't mock my god! The Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster has many noodly apendages of vengeance! Besides what's more comfortable, stuffy church clothes or looking like a bad ass pirate? Wearing one of those giant neck hurting pope hats or a breathable colander?
Bonnie raises her hands in mock surrender.
Bonnie Blue: I was just giving you'all a hard time.
Alex Richards: I take my religion seriously! As as the leader of Pastafarians in the entire state of Illinois it's my duty to bring ALL OF THE FOLLOWERS OF THE GIANT SPAGHETTI MONSTER TOGETHER TO WORSHIP!
This draws a cheer from the crowd.
Alex Richards: Now later tonight... we're going to watch Pirates of the Carribean, then enjoy a few... hundred drinks while listening to the pirate themed stylings of Temporal Wonkiness.
And there sits the house band themselves, not dressed in any pirate attire at all but drinking a bottle of rum. I guess that counts.
Alex Richards: But first we take communion! And what a communion it is! We have Fedaccunni Alfredo, we have spaghetti with red sauce, with white sauce, with meatballs, we have macaroni with cheese, we have kraft dinner, we have pasta salad, tuna casserole, chicken and spinach tetrazenni, bowtie pasta with mozerella and red peppers, we have lasanga, and manaconi.. we have... okay we have a lot of pasta! And tonight we all eat, drink and be merry in the name of our God... the Giant Spaghetti Monster who said onto you... dude... we can always make more.. fucking eat me!
Bonnie whispers over.
Bonnie Blue: No way any God ever said that.
Alex ignores this and continues his speech.
Alex Richards: Tonight's communion will be served buffet style because much like you can serve pasta al dente the monster says this... why do any more work then you have to?
And with that the meals begins.. people line up and begin ladling the delicious pasta dishes onto their plates. Alex and Bonnie join the line and soon enough are seated at a table with heaping plates of food for themselves. Bonnie however looks tenative.. eying the beef stroganoff on her plate, before stabbing and chewing carefully. She then reacts with surprise.
Bonnie Blue: You can actually cook? How did you learn to cook?
Alex shrugs.
Alex Richards: I dunno. Apparently I used to get drunk and break into restaurant kitchens and whip stuff up. I don't remember it though, because I didn't do it until I got black out drunk. And you know there's.. a fine line you gotta walk between black out drunk and passed out drunk.
Bonnie Blue: You're a strange guy Alex.
Alex Richards: Says the girl who offered to go back to 1797 for pirate clothes.
Bonnie Blue: You said this was important. If it's important to you.. it's important to the Guardians. Besides I think this is a whole lot more then all you can eat pasta.
Alex Richards: To paraphrase Polar Phantasm.. yeah you right. Wish that dude was here, he'd love getting high and chowing down on some of this sweet spread.
Bonnie Blue: Speaking of which.. that would help a girl's appetite.
Alex reaches under the table and pulls out.. what appears to be a bong shaped like a spaghetti bowl.
Bonnie Blue: This shouldn't work..
Alex Richards: I got Tesla to make it for me. Bitched like mad that it was a waste of his talents.
Bonnie takes a hit off it.
Bonnie Blue: It does work.
They spend a little time hitting the bong before returning to conversation. Smoking before getting down to business has to be one of the Guardians rules.
Bonnie Blue: Have you noticed the people hanging out in the neighbourhood lately?
Alex Richards: They ain't local are they?
Bonnie Blue: Not at all. You've seen a lot of the neighbourhood hoods. Mostly hanging out here.
Alex says slightly defensively.
Alex Richards: At least it keeps em off the streets.
Bonnie Blue: Nah, they ain't serious trouble most of them. But these guys... it seems like they are on the streets just to loot, just to hurt people, just to mess things up.
Alex Richards: Yeah.. I noticed.. this is my neighbourhood.. Wicker Park is my part of Chicago.. and these guys... they ain't from around here. They ain't kids blowing off steam fighting. They ain't rival gangs fighting for turfs.. They ain't..
Bonnie Blue: They ain't... all human.
Alex Richards: You said it Bonnie. Something's different about them. Something twisted.
Bonnie Blue: Well the Wave effected us Guardians. Unfortunately it looks like it effected some of the bad people too.
Alex Richards: I was talking to Crazy Jimmy last week....
Bonnie Blue: That guy ain't right. I don't know how much stock I would put in what he said.
Alex Richards: He was scared half to death. Came in here covered with dried blood. Said this guys came out of nowhere, like he dropped out of the sky beside him and just ripped the head off his friend Buddy the Blade. With his bare hands with no effort. Then he walked away as if it was nothing.
Bonnie Blue: See, that doesn't jive with me. Why would someone who could do something like that leave a witness?
Alex Richards: I think it's Mayor Sanchez behind this.
Bonnie Blue: He would leave witnesses to spread panic.
Alex Richards: Fuck yeah he would! |This is Wicker Park.. this is Chicago.. this is my fucking city Bonnie! You think I'm gonna stand by and let Scamchez fuck it up?
Bonnie Blue: I haven't known you to ever give up without a fight so obviously the answer is no.
Alex Richards: Fuck yeah it is! You know what I heard on the streets? The honourable mayor is banning organized religion in the city! So what did I do? Threw this all you can eat Pastafarian Communion celebration and advertised the fuck out of it! Fuck you Mayor Sanchez... you don't own this city! We do what we fucking want! We worship what we fucking want!
Bonnie Blue: And more importantly.. doing things like this draws the people together. We're going to need re-enforcements to take back this city from Sanchez.
Alex Richards: Damn right... Davey boy shouldn't have fucked with the people of Chicago.. he shouldn't have fucked with the Guardians.. he shouldn't..
The door swings open and in steps.. David Sanchez's number two guy.. Mister Wright. Who walks in like his owns the place, smiling in spite of the still slightly swollen and red splinted nose. He looks over at Alex and Bonnie, still grinning, as he hocks.. then spits right in the middle of the macaroni salad. Alex looks at Bonnie, then stands up smiling walking towards Taylor.
Alex Richards: I know I thought you would love it here with that big tomato in the middle of your face you look ready for spaghetti already.
Mr. Wright: Yeah, that's funny to you isn't it? You sucker punch me and then laugh about it. Well laugh about this.
Taylor picks up a loaf of garlic bread from the large table of food and slaps Alex across the face with it smearing garlic on his cheek. Alex does indeed laugh.
Alex Richards: This is your first time here, right?
Mr. Wright: I wouldn't be caught dead here normally! Our honourable mayor banned all organized religion... even stupid, moronic religions like this one!
Alex Richards: Then you haven't been baptized have you? In the name of the pasta, the sauce, and the holy toast!
And with that Alex dumps a full pot of spaghetti with meatballs on the head of Taylor Wright. The sauce drips down the face of the fuming Wright.
Mr. Wright: Yeah? Well here's some for you!
Taylor picks up a pot of his own.. this one happening to be macaroni and cheese and dumps it onto Alex's head. But most of it's deflected by the colander he's wearing on his head.
Alex Richards: See? That's what happens what you don't properly respect other people's religions. You know how often a pastafarian meeting ends in a food fight? Enough to need protection!
Mr. Wright: Well then... try the perogies..
Taylor fires a series of perogies into Alex's open mouth, causing the archduke to choke
Meanwhile in another part of the bar Alex's friend Steven Osbourne has been working the room. Tonight he is dressed all in gold, with a pink feather boa, and wearing a title belt around his waist. It appears in addition to eating pasta he is trying to pick up women. First approaching a blonde with the line..
Steven Osbourne: You want to touch it.
Woman: Sure..
The lady reaches for the title belt and..
Steven Osbourne: Hey! Hey! Hey! Nobody touches my HWA world heavyweight championship except for me! I wanted you to touch my Big Stevie!
Woman: Whatever! You probably won that in a facebook fed anyways.
Steven Osbourne: Hoe!
Steven tries again, this time with a middle aged brunette who is eating a plate of spaghetti. Steven reaches in and pulls out the longest strand of spaghetti.
Steven Osbourne: You see how long this is? Mine is much much longer.
Brunnette: You have a longer piece of spaghetti.
Steven Osbourne: Of course not! I have a longer tool!
Brunnette: Oh really?
Steven Osbourne: Text me.
Steven jots down his digits for the girl then notices the fight that has been going on in the bar. He probably should have noticed earlier but he has tunnel vision when it comes to women. He grabs a pitcher of water and sneaks up on Wright... only to have the glass jug snatched from his hands by Bonnie Blue.
Steven Osbourne: Hey! I could have taken him!
Bonnie Blue: That's not the Guardian way! A fair one on one fight is a fair one on one fight. Besides you don't think Alex is gonna take him?
Steven Osbourne: He's choking right now.
Bonnie Blue: He's fine.Go back to disappointing those poor girls.
Steven Osbourne: I could disappoint you.
Bonnie Blue: You would.
Steven Osbourne: I... um.. have a nice day.
Steven gives up attempting to verbally spar with Bonnie and returns to the bimbos. Meanwhile Taylor gloats as Alex is turning red.
Mr. Wright: Now who looks like a tomato, huh? Where's your stupid, fake God now! Our mayor is right.. God doesn't help you!
Alex swallows. Takes a few deep breathes and..
Alex Richards: Goat Cheese and Bacon... so fucking good it's worth risking death over! Want to try some?
Alex tosses a handful of perogies at Taylor who bats them aside then returns fire with a fistful of spoons. Which bounce off of Alex's head as he retailates by whipping Wright across the eyes with some al dente fettacini. Wright tosses them aside only to get nailed directly in the kisser with a gravy boat!
Alex Richards: Hail Mary full of grace here's gravy in yo face.. bitch!
Mr. Wright: Why is there fucking gravy with pasta?
Alex Richards: Everything is better with gravy!
Alex ducks a wild toss of some chicken fried rice. As Taylor looks for something else Alex approaches Bonnie.
Alex Richards: Jesus, help this poor woman's arthritis so she can help me throw these watermelons in your holy catapult lord.
Bonnie Blue: First off.. don't have arthritis. Secondly there aren't any watermelons. Third.. no catapult either.
Mr. Wright: Yes.. there is.
And with that Alex takes a direct hit of lazanga to the chest from a homemade catapult. Spattering all over his previously ugly shirt which is now ugly with tomato sauce all over it.
Alex Richards: I was gonna use that to send Pastafarian bibles over all Chicago?
Mr. Wright: What the hell is a Pastafarian bible?
Alex points behind Taylor to the large stack of Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson books.
Alex Richards: It was either that or the joy of cooking.
Taylor kicks over the books then is hit in the back of the head with some creamy chicken terrazini! Alex meanwhile looks around talking to his followers who are certainly entertained with tonight's proceedings.
Alex Richards: Passing round this here collection basket so we can put more things into our holy catapults. Lord bless us with 55 gallons of creamed corn!
Taylor dumps the pot of spiced sausage penne on Alex's head leaving the pot there and beating on the outside of it with a metal serving ladle.
Alex Richards: That we might baptize these non believers with your holy muck of mighty Giant Spaghetti Monster! Feel the power!
Taylor trips Alex knocking him into the table which just so happens to contain his brother Shaun Zach.
SZR: Umm Alex, you might try fighting back.
Alex Richards: Nah, little bro. I got this.
Alex advances on Taylor who is looking for more pasta to throw from the table.
Alex Richards: His noodleness needs catapults that can reach the moon! His noodly apendenges know no bounds.. and no mercy!
Mr. Wright: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Alex Richards: If you want to be saved.. text 1-800-94-JENNY to donate. Watch out for the rug!
Mr. Wright: What?
Alex Richards: I warned ya..
Alex reaches down and pulls on the ugly shag carpet rug in front of the buffet causing Taylor to take a tumble.
Alex Richards: Funny story. That rug really is there just to trip people.
Alex boots Taylor in the head the second he recovered his footing knocking him down again.
Alex Richards: This is really gonna hurt. But you wanted a holy war..
Alex grabs Taylor for a belly to back suplex into a choke slam, the Final Enlightenment right through the serving table.. but at the last second Taylor face palms Alex snapping his head back and driving them both through the table hard! Bonnie starts to walk over to check on Alex as Taylor and Alex try to get back to their feet, seemingly intent on continuing the fight. When all of the sudden two more men rush into the bar, sawed off shotguns in hand trained in the direction of Alex Richards. Too bad for them they didn't pay any attention to Bonnie who tosses her cutlass at the guns of the guards knocking them from their hands. They turn towards Bonnie only to see she already has out his blunderbuss and it's turned on them. Alex gets up pulling out his own pirate pistol as Taylor Wright looks disgusted.
Mr. Wright: Just like you Guardian cowards to out number us like this!
Alex Richards: There's two of us and three of you!
Mr. Wright: Yeah... well you have guns!
Bonnie Blue: Your goons pulled the guns first. I was just better than them.
Alex Richards: Just like I was better then you Taylor.
Mr. Wright: Were not!
Alex Richards: What color underwear are you wearing this time Taylor?
Taylor goes red in the face either out of anger or embarassed. Probably wondering how Alex could know about his embarassing moment with a certain special lady. He decides to respond in a vulgar manner.
Mr. Wright: Fuck you!
Alex Richards: I think it's time you guys get the fuck out!
Mr. Wright: I think you're scared!
Alex Richards: Of Sanchez's lap dog?
Mr. Wright: If you're not... you would put this bar on the line against me!
Alex Richards: I'm not afraid of you.. everytime we fight I get the better of you.
Mr. Wright: So you'll have no problem fighting me at Beachmania for the rights to this dump. I think with some work this could be the new town dump.
Bonnie meanwhile has noticed one of the guards, apparently the sneakier one reaching for his discarded gun and she roundhouse kicks him in the skull koing the hapless bodyguard.
Bonnie Blue: We've already served you guys enough food. I think it's time you pack up and go before we get nasty.
Alex Richards: Oh... and Wright... make sure you pay attention to what Sanchez does to that guard. I don't think he deals well with people who fail him.
Taylor mutters something under his breathe and walks off with the one guard carrying out the other behind him.
Bonnie Blue: I think he looked worried.
Alex Richards: He should be worried.
Bonnie Blue: You let him goad you into putting the bar on the line.
Alex Richards: Nothing worth having isn't worth fighting for.
Bonnie nods and the band Temporal Wonkiness takes the stage drowning out all talk with a funk version of Kung Fu Fighting.
Scene 2: I Dream Of Beaver
The scene fades in in black and white. Alex Richards is walking wearing what appears to be overalls and no shirt. He looks around at the white picket fence confused.
Alex Richards: (thinking to himself) Black and white? Is this is a dream? Where am I anyways? Normally when I dream in black and white I would have seen Uncle Fester by now maybe ate a few lightbulbs. This isn't gonna be that dream where I have a threesome with Morticia and Cousin It again isn't it? I mean I like a little hair but that's just too much.
Alex notices a house.. since it's a dream he just walks right up and knocks on the door all of the sudden cheesy music starts to play, it may be the real theme but this is from Alex's memory so probably not, and an announcer begins to speak.
Announcer: Leave It To Beaver starring some people you don't care about and Dustin Beaver as the Beaver!
Alex Richards: Oh fudge.. I fudging hated this show enough when it was the real thing not the version starring gosh darn Dustin Beaver!
Alex looks puzzled as if he's wondering why he isn't cursing a blue streak like he usually does. Then the door opens and Dustin Beaver appears at the door wearing a baseball cap, and the Beaver's usual plaid shirt as well as the Beaver's uneven bowl cut looking hair cut. But otherwise.. it's Dustin Beaver.
Dustin Beaver: Howdy Mister!
Alex Richards: Dustin Beaver? I heard you were dead!
Dustin Beaver: Gosh no!
Alex Richards: I guess just your career is.
Cue the laugh track... this laugh track.
Dustin Beaver: Golly.. mister that's a mean thing to say.
Alex Richards: It's also true.
Dustin Beaver: That's what makes it so mean!
The laugh track plays again as Alex pushes down Dustin relatively gently but he flies across the room landing hard in the chesterfield couch. Alex then heads off in the direction of the kitchen.
Alex Richards: If I gotta be in a dream with Dustin Beaver then I gotta be drunk.
Alex starts to rifle through cubboards tossing out canned soups, chex mix, peas, corn, sardines, tuna.
Alex Richards: There has got to be some alcohol somewhere.
Dustin Beaver: You don't want to mess with alcohol mister. It's dangerous!
Alex continues to look before finally emerging with a whoop with a bottle of cooking sherry.
Alex Richards: Close enough!
Alex begins to down the bottle as Ward and June Beaver appear at the doorway of the kitchen next to their son.
Ward Beaver: I don't think you understand the dangers of the drink son.
Alex Richards: I'm not your son!
June Cleaver: Yes you are. See, drinking has you all confused.
Alex Richards: I'm the Beaver's brother. You got to be joshing me!
Ward Beaver: See here Alex.. we don't use language like that in this home. And you would know that if you wouldn't under the influence of the drink.
Alex turns his head in a downcast manner.
Alex Richards: I'm sorry.
Ward Beaver: See you aren't yourself when you drink son. And look at how upset it makes your mother.
We pan over to June Beaver who is crying into her apron.
Alex Richards: Gosh, I never thought my drinking would hurt other people. I\m gonna go ride a bike instead!
The Beavers all wave as Alex goes outside, gets on an antique but I guess then now Swinn bicycle and bikes off ringing the bell and heading off into the sunlight as the cheesy theme starts up again.
Alex screams!
He sits up in bed and looks around.
Alex Richards: Oh hell no! I'm not going out like that!
Alex opens the nightstand beside his bed and reaches in pulling out a bottle of Xanax and a flask. He quickly dumps some pills into his hand.. washes it down with the flask and soon he's back in dreamland...
This time Dustin Beaver and his friend Eddie Haskell are in the backyard playing catch where Alex Richards busts through the picket fence kicking pieces of wood aside.
Dustin Beaver: How's your drinking problem brother Alex.
Alex Richards: No problem at all. I got the good stuff this time!
Alex reveals two bottles of Johnny Walker scotch. He takes a long haul off of one of them and offers the second to Dustin.
Dustin Beaver: Gosh, I don't drink.
Alex Richards: If I was you I would fucking drink.
Dustin Beaver: You can't say that.
Alex Richards: The fuck I can't!
Eddie Haskell: I want a fucking drink! Then we can toss this fucker through the kitchen window!
Dustin Beaver: Eddie.. I thought you were my friend.
Alex Richards: Oh please. Since when he has Dustin Beaver ever been loyal to any of his friends. As a guardian the way you use and discard people kind of makes me mad. I mean I wouldn't have aligned with the likes of Kyle Kemp or the Beach Krew in the first place but I certainly wouldn't have just abandoned them if I did.
Dustin Beaver: Hey.. that's not true. I still hang out with Wade Moor! Yeah... proved you wrong.
Alex Richards: That's only because Wade just came back and hasn't been around long enough to get sick of you. Ask Wade Moor what's it's like to get in the ring with the Archduke though.
Dustin Beaver: I did. He refused to talk about it. Just shook his head and cried.
Alex Richards: Maybe you guys are a real team after all.
Dustin Beaver: Thanks.. wait a minute! You're making fun of the Beavs.
Alex Richards: Everyone is making fun of you. You just aren't smart enough to realize it. Besides I saw a few episodes of the show, Eddie wasn't really your friend. Just like no one in the UCI is really your friend. You have legendary retired wrestler Vengeance in your corner and how has it helped you?
Dustin Beaver: Hey.. I umm... umm... won the television title.
Alex Richards: And kept it for an impressive one week! You beat Wendy for it then lost it back to him the very next week. And then... and then? What did you do next?
Dustin Beaver: I'm working on it.
Alex Richards: You were a terrible partner for my buddy Jay Omega. Which is actually why I'm gonna help Eddie here throw you through that window. But besides your one win for the television title.. you did nothing Beaver! How long before Vengeance leaves you too? I mean he was a man who accomplished stuff. You didn't even have the balls to ask for a re match. Or even a match with Wendy after he lost the title. Was that because you knew your one win over him was a fluke?
Dustin looks at the ground and mumbles.
Dustin Beaver: Yes.
Alex Richards: At least you'll admit it here in this dream. I'll bet tomorrow real life Dustin Beaver is going to talk a whole bunch of smack. Probably about how off my gourd I am. How someone as crazy as me can't possibly beat him. Then of course the match will happen and Dustin will do what Dustin does best. Get his ass kicked.
Dustin Beaver: You can't say ass.
Eddie Haskell: ASSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Alex Richards: Last week I beat the ACTUAL world champion Kyle Cameron. He was a big talker too just like you Beaver. But I shut him up! And the difference is, he's at least earned world title shots. What reason do you have to be such a big shit talker?
Dustin Beaver: Makes me feel like a big boy!
Alex Richards: Not a good reason. Acting like your world class only working if you actually are. Otherwise you just get your ass kicked... like this..
Alex and Eddie then grab the Beav and pitch him right through the window where Ward and June Beaver are inside smoking cigarettes.
Ward Beaver: I just love lucky strikes.
June Beaver: And I love lucky strikes light. The cigarette for femenine mouths.
Ward Beaver: What are you doing in here you little shit?
Dustin Beaver: Alex and Eddie threw me in.
Ward Beaver: Nobody likes a tattletale you little bitch! Now get the fuck out of here before I spank the fuck out of you!
Dustin jumps back through the window and runs down the street crying.
June Beaver: Ward.. I think you're being a little hard on the Beaver.
Ward Cleaver: What do I care? He's not our son anyways. We're the Cleavers not the Beavers.
June Cleaver: Oh thank god. I was worried about the gals at the PTA would think of me having such a loser for a son.
Alex Richards: Speaking of being hard on your beaver I'm hard and you have a...
June Cleaver: Oh god yes!
And with that June shoves down Ward and Alex and her head off to the bed room. The door closes because really do you want me to write a sex scene dream involving Alex Richards and a fictional 50 tv's mom? The door swings open and Alex pops his head out.
Alex Richards: Hey Dustin Beaver... I fucked your mom! Sort of.
Alex wakes up again this time with a semi smile on his face.
Alex Richards: I'm having dreams about June Cleaver? Yeah... I need to get laid. And Dustin Beaver?
Alex rolls over and goes back to bed mumbling before he falls asleep.
Alex Richards: Bet he isn't gonna be anymore of a challenge in real life.
And he wasn't. Alex continued on his winning streak destroying Dustin Beaver, scoring his third win in a row, bringing himself that much closer to his hard fought for title shot. Dustin tried his best but as has often been the case in the UCI his best wasn't good enough.
The End