Post by Alex Richards on Jul 17, 2016 9:58:51 GMT -6
Scene 1: To the Phone!
Alex Richards is outside of the Strange Rover... with a hose seemingly giving the high performance vehicle a good cleaning. Shaun Zach, Alex's half brother and cameraman comes out looking curious.
SZR: Hold on... you're cleaning up your own mess?
Alex Richards: I'm surprised too. I didn't think the mud would come off the Rover after all that off roading I was doing yesterday, especially when we went into that pond. But The Strange Rover has to look it's best! I just checked my cell phone and I have a message from that dating service I joined! I'm going on a date Zach!
SZR: That's great! But wait.. how did that video you sent in work?
Alex Richards: I told you it was a great video Zach! C'mon.. let's go watch it again while I get ready..
Shaun smiles slightly, enjoying seeing his brother happy as they enter the Strange Rover taking a left turn in front of a den area which contains a large television. Alex flips the tv on and there appears to be an old movie on, Plan 9 From Outer Space.
Alex Richards: You know.. I've never seen this movie.
SZR: You should. There's a guy in it who looks just like you.
Alex scoffs.
Alex Richards: That can't be. I'm one of a kind!
He flips the mode over to blu ray where his video is cued up. Where appears to be Alex in an empty version of the Sloshed Pit wearing his Steve Orbit tribute pimp attire from the previous week. He looks into the camera, a slightly nervous expression on his face before he begins talking.
Alex Richards: Do you like drinking? Because I love drinking! And if you like drinking until you paass out or black out and end up in places such as jail, bars, on top of a roof, in the middle of a brawl, taking balls to the head in a bowling alley... then I'm the man for you! Every day with Alex Richards is an adventure and I'm looking for the right woman to share that with me!
YO YO YO! SILVER STEVIE IN THE HOUSE!
Steven Osbourne, the long time annoying friend of Alex and Jay Omega waltzes into the stage like he owns it. His usual all pink wardrobe has been replaced with an all silver get up this week. And as for looks, just think young Ron Jeremy.. seriously.
Alex Richards: Umm.. what are you doing here?
Steven Osbourne: C'mon Alex.. I need a wing man to help me score ladies! You're it!
Alex Richards: You were supposed to dress up as Silver Stevie last week for the Cryogenix meeting. You know.. like Steve Orbit had Golden Joey.. I could have Silver Stevie.
Steven Osbourne: Took me longer then expected to paint my junk silver. Besides you owe me.
Alex Richards: For what?
Steven Osbourne: I was hoping you wouldn't ask that. I'm really just here for the sluts.
Alex Richards: Dude! Don't call ladies sluts in my dating video.
Steven Osbourne: That's your problem Alex. You don't know where to look for women. Just look for the sluts and they'll do what sluts do.
Alex Richards: With great advice like that why do you need me as your wing man?
Steven Osbourne: You're so ugly it's like shooting fish in a barrel!
Alex Richards: You know that would insult most people. But we all know I'm horror movie villain handsome so I'll take that as a compliment. But you know, I'm the one in a slump with women.. why shouldn't you be my wing man?
Steven Osbourne: Because you're huge!
Shaun Zach shudders, causing the camera to shake.
SZR: How would you know that?
Steven Osbourne: I looked.
Alex Richards: Why are you checking out my junk exactly?
Steven Osbourne: Gottta see what the competition is packing.
Alex Richards: I gotta speak to Polar, get a new rule passed.. Guardians don't check out other Guardian's package.
SZR: That's the first sensible thing you've said in a long time.
Steven Osbourne: So what about it... want to help me score an 8 pack? Stevie and 7 chicks?
Alex Richards: I can't get one girl and you want me to help you pick up seven?
Steven Osbourne: It's good to be Oz!
Alex in response... picks up Steven and carries him onto the stage... which Steven considers a good thing.. until Alex stuffs him in a tuba left over from the latest Temporal Wonkiness concert.
Alex Richards: See ladies? I'm even talented with instruments.
Steven Osbourne: Tell em you're talented with your instrument! Chicks dig the dirty shit!
Alex stuffs Steven deeper in the tuba then kicks it off stage.
Alex Richards: If you're ever wondered why haven't I started a roller derby on Wall Street give the Archduke of Mass Confusion a call! Dial extension 613 for an experience you'll never forget!
The video ends and Shaun turns to Alex who is now wearing his pimp outfit once again, apparently for his date.
SZR: You know I'm not used to seeing you look nervous like you did in that video.
Alex Richards: Dude, it's been awhile. I'm not gonna lie. I was kind of worried about being the odd man out. The one Guardian who never gets any women.
SZR: So who are you dating? And where?
Alex Richards: I don't know.. I haven't checked the message yet. Let me put it on speaker phone and we can listen together.
Alex puts out his Paul E Dangerously style modified 80s cell phone and punches in the number of the dating service recieving the following voice mail.
Woman: Hi... this is Traci. I know this is for Alex Richards. But like I want to know Steven's number. He's a sexy beast. Do you like know it? I want to be part of that three way or four way or whatever way. Call me Stevie!
Alex tosses the phone down in digust.
Alex Richards: Well it's offical. I probably have less luck then Bonnie Blue with the ladies. And she isn't even interested in them!
SZR: It'll happen bro. Just give it time. When you least expect it.
Alex Richards: Whatever. I know what will cheer me up...
SZR: To the bar?
Alex Richards: See? You get me!
Scene 2: To the bar!
Temporal Wonkiness is on the stage as their lead singer Fred “The Fog” Hazel appears to be playing with a fog machine with the drummer “Deadhead” Jerry Gonzales. Wherein they take turns spinning around and spraying us each other with dry ice. Meanwhile the chainsaw artist Jason “The Boogeyman” Kreuger appears to be clipping his nails. Alex Richards watches the “action” on the stage, drinking from a boot with his cameraman, half brother Shaun Zach.
Alex Richards: You know there's nothing like a Temporal Wonkiness concert!
SZR: This seriously counts as a concert?
Alex Richards: It's like abstract art. And you know how much I liked the abstract.
SZR: Do you even know what that word means?
Alex Richards: Relating to or involving general ideas.
SZR: Right.. I got you that word of the day calender. I didn't think you would use it though.
Alex Richards: Gotta do something in the 30 seconds before I finish drinking and pass out. A guy could get bored if he wasn't careful.
Alex shudders as if being bored is the worst possible thing he could think of. And maybe for Alex it is. Meanwhile lead singer/digerdoo player Fred Hazel kicks over the fog machine.. and begins a spastic solo with his instrument while attempting to sing at the same time. The rest of the band , which today is a 6 piece band this of course changes almost every show, begins to play along at a frantic, speed metal like pace for about 2 minutes then stops.
Fred Hazel: Thanks a lot.. we're Temporal Wonkiness and fuck off, right?
And with that the band leaves the stage.
SZR: They were an hour and a half late and they played for two minutes.
Alex Richards: I told em to take a break. I gotta make a drink. And I wanted to listen to the band.
SZR: That doesn't make any sense. Surely you can pour Zim-Quila and listen to the band at the same time.
Alex Richards: I'm not making Zim-Quila.. I'm making us a special drink.. where I toast the health of my opponent this week!
SZR: Uh oh.. I thought you forgot about doing that.
Alex Richards: Oh... you'd like that wouldn't you?
SZR: I would... most of your creations were downright disgusting.
Alex Richards: So are most of my opponents. Have to make a fitting drink. Besides I have something special in mind today when I give you... The Kyle Cameron!
Alex hops behind the bar, giving the usual bartender a few minutes off. The bartender who appears to be a male model type. Sits down, reading a cosmopolian magazine as Alex begins his mix. Making cup after cup of his new beverage.
Alex Richards: Let see.. dump in some coffee..
SZR:You don't measure do you?
Alex Richards: Hell no.. I'm a real drinker and a real mixologist. I just do this shit by feel. Okay so we have coffee.. dump in a shit ton of baileys, add some whipped topping, and a cherry on top. Here you go Zach.
Shaun sips it, then takes another sip.
SZR: I can't believe it. You actually made... a normal drink. That's just Irish coffee, right?
Alex roars with laughter.
Alex Richards: Not much of a drinker are you?
Meanwhile the members of the band saddle over to the bar and each grab a coffee, chug, then spit it on.
Fred Hazel: The fuck is this shite? Give us a bottle of your cheapest whiskey and the Wonk will be happy!
Alex hands over the bottle and the band cheers for him as they head back to whatever their dressing room is bottle in hand.
SZR: I didn't think it was that bad.
Alex Richards: That whiskey cost me 2 bucks for a 60. It's real bad.
SZR: No.. the drink you made.
Alex Richards: Well those guys are professional drunks. My type of people. They gig for free booze.
SZR: Wait? You make smart financial decisions?
Alex Richards: Don't tell anybody. It'll be bad for my rep. Besides always good to have more drinking buddies around. But you know I'll bet you're wondering Zach.. what does that drink have to do with Kyle Cameron.
SZR: Actually I was wondering why you didn't dump your drink into a boot like you usually do. Not that I'm complaining.
Alex Richards: The boot is the finest drinking instrument every created.. Kyle Cameron's drink... or Kyle Cameron for that matter... isn't good enough for the boot! Kyle Cameron... like this drink is all flash and absolutely no substance! Nothing to him at all. Last week he declared himself the actual world champion. Big fucking whoop! You know what that says to me, and everyone else with half a brain... I'm not good enough to win the world title so I created my own. Because it generates notice for him. He has a belt so he must be good, right?
Alex laughs again. And then looks at his drink with distaste and takes a small sip. Meanwhile Shaun has started in on a second one.
Alex Richards: I guess he needs us to talk about his fake world title belt. I mean what else would we talk about. The talk he kept picking fights with Frank Veneble and kept getting his head superkicked off. Actually I wish he would talk about that. Frank is awesome and watching him superkick people is one of the highlight of my week. In fact I made a 12 hour DVD set which is just Franky superkicking people.
SZR: I wish you were joking about that.
Alex Richards: But the fact you picked a fight with an announcer and lost is your career highlight so far speaks volumes. I mean besides that.. you lost to the world champion two weeks ago. You lost in the world title tournament to Chase Jackson. I'm trying to think of more career highlights? How about some of my career highlights? Five different championships in a major fed? Sure, I'm not gonna be like some people and brag endless about what I did elsewhere. But I beat five different people who won a championship. That's pretty impressive , right? Then there's my track record around here. I have victories over two former world title challengers. A win over a former world champion in that same other federation. Coming soon a third win over a man who fought the world champion in a non title match. Last week alone, I defeated Chase Jackson and broke |Wright's nose in a brawl. You might think that's not very impressive, right? But in one week I already did way more than Kyle Cameron has ever done in the UCI! Because as far as Kyle is concerned, are there any more career highlights? Oh yeah... you made your own title! I'm sorry man, I'm trying to think of how I can make you look good. I know I'm supposed to talk my opponents up a ltitle, especially when I know I'm definately going to win. That way it makes me look that much better when I beat them.
SZR: Unless you say that's what you're doing..
Alex ignores Shaun, as per usual.
Alex Richards: But I just can't. I mean I beat Chase Jackson in the quickest win in UCI history.
SZR: I'm not sure that's true.
Alex Richards: It could be. I don't think they sprang for a stop watch to make sure though so I'm just gonna claim it anyways. I did win in well under a minutes and that's pretty impressive compared to a guy that Chase easily handled. But you know.. I'm looking forward to this match. I really am. Because you see Kyle might not be a great wrestler, he might not even be a good wrestler. Hell, he might not even be an average wrestler. He's certainly gonna be a wrestler who gets slaughtered by the Archduke of Mass Confusion. But the one thing he is.. is a smart wrestler.
Alex looks around under the bar, taking the opportunity to ninja swig some tequila straight from a bottle. Fortunately health inspectors went out of style in the new world. Especially since he pulls out... an old giant rusty bed spring obviously taken from a minimum king sized bed.
SZR: Oh no. I thought you threw that out!
Alex Richards: Way back in the day I had a match against a hardcore champion. My first ever title shot in a major federation in fact. Well I lost. Sure, there was outside interference. But I got concussed, You've been doing knocked out, and defeated. But instead of accepting that I went on a bender and found this title belt in a hospital dumpster. Probably because someone threw it out after they had to get a tetanus shot but whatever. So I fought a parking lot attendent, was victorious and declared myself the hardcore champion. I even successfully defended my title against a wine affictionato.
SZR: So a wino.
Alex Richards: I don't judge heavy drinkers. I join them! But when it came right down to it, my title was a fake, it was something I made up to amuse myself.. and to sort of hint I thought I deserved another kick at the can, another chance at the hardcore championship. And guess what? It worked.. two months later I got my shot in a five way match and when the match was over I was the new Hardcore champion.
Alex holds up his rusty bed spring and makes belt motions before finally setting it down.
Alex Richards: Because it doesn't matter if it's a real title or not if you convince some people it is, it'll get you your shot eventually. That's what Kyle is betting on. Created a troll bait world championship. Named it the ACTUAL world championship to give it some fake credibility. Even came up with 24/7 rules so he could lord that over the champion. Hell he probably hired bodyguards to keep people away from him 24/7 so he won't lose the title backstage. But see, here's the thing. I know my fake hardcore title got me a title shot. Even though at the time I was so whacked out on drugs I actually thought I was the champion. That was a great two months by the way. I know the power of the fake title. And I want that power. You already had your shot at the Crow.. you blew it. I want the same chance. So how do I get it? Simple, win the ACTUAL world title and cash in for a champion vs. Fake champion match. You've been doing nothing by failing lately Cameron so it's a given you're gonna fail in your first fake title defense as well.
SZR: Why is that?
Alex Richards: Because he's going up against a man no one has pinned in the UCI of course. But actually that's not the reason. The reason is, he just wants to take short cuts instead of actually earning anything. You lost to the world champion, deal with it, don't whine that you're better then him. Do you see me crying that Micheal won the battle royal or Wendy won the television title against me, or Erin eliminated me from the world title tournament. No, you deal with those things, you move on and you earn more shots. But the way you're doing things. That makes me think you know you can't actually earn those shots. You're hoping one gets handed to you. And you get lucky. Well you aren't getting lucky this week. Not against me. The only thing you're getting handed is your ass. Every week I come out here and do things the Guardians way. We don't beg for stuff. We earn it. And people who do.. they kind of make me sick. This is your one chance to prove you deserve an opportunity... if you can beat me. But I'll let you in on a little secret. You don't deserve it. You can't earn it. You're just like this drink Kyle..
Alex holds up one more of the Kyle Cameron special drinks.
Alex Richards: The cherry on top came from a jar, the whipped topping isn't actually whipped cream at all, it's just whipped oil. The Baileys is that nasty Bailey's dairy creamer you can buy at the grocery store, no booze in it at all. And even the coffee is decaf. Everything about that drink is phony, it's a fraud, it's empty, it has no real value. Just like you Kyle.
Alex raises his glass and downs it.
Alex Richards: Here's to your health Kyle Cameron. Because Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster knows, that's the only thing you actually have. Hopefully it's not damaged too much after this Sunday. When this match is over I might just defend the title in a drinking contest or a mosh off in this very bar because as far as I'm concerned this title has as much value as you Kyle, absolutely nothing. But I'll take it never the less. Because I don't want a man like you getting an undeserved world title shot.
Meanwhile at the end of Alex's speech the band has rejoined the stage and tossed their now empty bottle of whiskey into the cheering crowd at the bar.
Fred Hazel: We're Temporal Wonkiness and shut the fuck up because we're gonna perform. This is a special request from the boss Alex Richards. He gave us the good whiskey if we would play this song in honour of his opponent Kyle Cameron.
The band begins to play a strange semi polka version of this song as the scene fades to black.
Alex Richards is outside of the Strange Rover... with a hose seemingly giving the high performance vehicle a good cleaning. Shaun Zach, Alex's half brother and cameraman comes out looking curious.
SZR: Hold on... you're cleaning up your own mess?
Alex Richards: I'm surprised too. I didn't think the mud would come off the Rover after all that off roading I was doing yesterday, especially when we went into that pond. But The Strange Rover has to look it's best! I just checked my cell phone and I have a message from that dating service I joined! I'm going on a date Zach!
SZR: That's great! But wait.. how did that video you sent in work?
Alex Richards: I told you it was a great video Zach! C'mon.. let's go watch it again while I get ready..
Shaun smiles slightly, enjoying seeing his brother happy as they enter the Strange Rover taking a left turn in front of a den area which contains a large television. Alex flips the tv on and there appears to be an old movie on, Plan 9 From Outer Space.
Alex Richards: You know.. I've never seen this movie.
SZR: You should. There's a guy in it who looks just like you.
Alex scoffs.
Alex Richards: That can't be. I'm one of a kind!
He flips the mode over to blu ray where his video is cued up. Where appears to be Alex in an empty version of the Sloshed Pit wearing his Steve Orbit tribute pimp attire from the previous week. He looks into the camera, a slightly nervous expression on his face before he begins talking.
Alex Richards: Do you like drinking? Because I love drinking! And if you like drinking until you paass out or black out and end up in places such as jail, bars, on top of a roof, in the middle of a brawl, taking balls to the head in a bowling alley... then I'm the man for you! Every day with Alex Richards is an adventure and I'm looking for the right woman to share that with me!
YO YO YO! SILVER STEVIE IN THE HOUSE!
Steven Osbourne, the long time annoying friend of Alex and Jay Omega waltzes into the stage like he owns it. His usual all pink wardrobe has been replaced with an all silver get up this week. And as for looks, just think young Ron Jeremy.. seriously.
Alex Richards: Umm.. what are you doing here?
Steven Osbourne: C'mon Alex.. I need a wing man to help me score ladies! You're it!
Alex Richards: You were supposed to dress up as Silver Stevie last week for the Cryogenix meeting. You know.. like Steve Orbit had Golden Joey.. I could have Silver Stevie.
Steven Osbourne: Took me longer then expected to paint my junk silver. Besides you owe me.
Alex Richards: For what?
Steven Osbourne: I was hoping you wouldn't ask that. I'm really just here for the sluts.
Alex Richards: Dude! Don't call ladies sluts in my dating video.
Steven Osbourne: That's your problem Alex. You don't know where to look for women. Just look for the sluts and they'll do what sluts do.
Alex Richards: With great advice like that why do you need me as your wing man?
Steven Osbourne: You're so ugly it's like shooting fish in a barrel!
Alex Richards: You know that would insult most people. But we all know I'm horror movie villain handsome so I'll take that as a compliment. But you know, I'm the one in a slump with women.. why shouldn't you be my wing man?
Steven Osbourne: Because you're huge!
Shaun Zach shudders, causing the camera to shake.
SZR: How would you know that?
Steven Osbourne: I looked.
Alex Richards: Why are you checking out my junk exactly?
Steven Osbourne: Gottta see what the competition is packing.
Alex Richards: I gotta speak to Polar, get a new rule passed.. Guardians don't check out other Guardian's package.
SZR: That's the first sensible thing you've said in a long time.
Steven Osbourne: So what about it... want to help me score an 8 pack? Stevie and 7 chicks?
Alex Richards: I can't get one girl and you want me to help you pick up seven?
Steven Osbourne: It's good to be Oz!
Alex in response... picks up Steven and carries him onto the stage... which Steven considers a good thing.. until Alex stuffs him in a tuba left over from the latest Temporal Wonkiness concert.
Alex Richards: See ladies? I'm even talented with instruments.
Steven Osbourne: Tell em you're talented with your instrument! Chicks dig the dirty shit!
Alex stuffs Steven deeper in the tuba then kicks it off stage.
Alex Richards: If you're ever wondered why haven't I started a roller derby on Wall Street give the Archduke of Mass Confusion a call! Dial extension 613 for an experience you'll never forget!
The video ends and Shaun turns to Alex who is now wearing his pimp outfit once again, apparently for his date.
SZR: You know I'm not used to seeing you look nervous like you did in that video.
Alex Richards: Dude, it's been awhile. I'm not gonna lie. I was kind of worried about being the odd man out. The one Guardian who never gets any women.
SZR: So who are you dating? And where?
Alex Richards: I don't know.. I haven't checked the message yet. Let me put it on speaker phone and we can listen together.
Alex puts out his Paul E Dangerously style modified 80s cell phone and punches in the number of the dating service recieving the following voice mail.
Woman: Hi... this is Traci. I know this is for Alex Richards. But like I want to know Steven's number. He's a sexy beast. Do you like know it? I want to be part of that three way or four way or whatever way. Call me Stevie!
Alex tosses the phone down in digust.
Alex Richards: Well it's offical. I probably have less luck then Bonnie Blue with the ladies. And she isn't even interested in them!
SZR: It'll happen bro. Just give it time. When you least expect it.
Alex Richards: Whatever. I know what will cheer me up...
SZR: To the bar?
Alex Richards: See? You get me!
Scene 2: To the bar!
Temporal Wonkiness is on the stage as their lead singer Fred “The Fog” Hazel appears to be playing with a fog machine with the drummer “Deadhead” Jerry Gonzales. Wherein they take turns spinning around and spraying us each other with dry ice. Meanwhile the chainsaw artist Jason “The Boogeyman” Kreuger appears to be clipping his nails. Alex Richards watches the “action” on the stage, drinking from a boot with his cameraman, half brother Shaun Zach.
Alex Richards: You know there's nothing like a Temporal Wonkiness concert!
SZR: This seriously counts as a concert?
Alex Richards: It's like abstract art. And you know how much I liked the abstract.
SZR: Do you even know what that word means?
Alex Richards: Relating to or involving general ideas.
SZR: Right.. I got you that word of the day calender. I didn't think you would use it though.
Alex Richards: Gotta do something in the 30 seconds before I finish drinking and pass out. A guy could get bored if he wasn't careful.
Alex shudders as if being bored is the worst possible thing he could think of. And maybe for Alex it is. Meanwhile lead singer/digerdoo player Fred Hazel kicks over the fog machine.. and begins a spastic solo with his instrument while attempting to sing at the same time. The rest of the band , which today is a 6 piece band this of course changes almost every show, begins to play along at a frantic, speed metal like pace for about 2 minutes then stops.
Fred Hazel: Thanks a lot.. we're Temporal Wonkiness and fuck off, right?
And with that the band leaves the stage.
SZR: They were an hour and a half late and they played for two minutes.
Alex Richards: I told em to take a break. I gotta make a drink. And I wanted to listen to the band.
SZR: That doesn't make any sense. Surely you can pour Zim-Quila and listen to the band at the same time.
Alex Richards: I'm not making Zim-Quila.. I'm making us a special drink.. where I toast the health of my opponent this week!
SZR: Uh oh.. I thought you forgot about doing that.
Alex Richards: Oh... you'd like that wouldn't you?
SZR: I would... most of your creations were downright disgusting.
Alex Richards: So are most of my opponents. Have to make a fitting drink. Besides I have something special in mind today when I give you... The Kyle Cameron!
Alex hops behind the bar, giving the usual bartender a few minutes off. The bartender who appears to be a male model type. Sits down, reading a cosmopolian magazine as Alex begins his mix. Making cup after cup of his new beverage.
Alex Richards: Let see.. dump in some coffee..
SZR:You don't measure do you?
Alex Richards: Hell no.. I'm a real drinker and a real mixologist. I just do this shit by feel. Okay so we have coffee.. dump in a shit ton of baileys, add some whipped topping, and a cherry on top. Here you go Zach.
Shaun sips it, then takes another sip.
SZR: I can't believe it. You actually made... a normal drink. That's just Irish coffee, right?
Alex roars with laughter.
Alex Richards: Not much of a drinker are you?
Meanwhile the members of the band saddle over to the bar and each grab a coffee, chug, then spit it on.
Fred Hazel: The fuck is this shite? Give us a bottle of your cheapest whiskey and the Wonk will be happy!
Alex hands over the bottle and the band cheers for him as they head back to whatever their dressing room is bottle in hand.
SZR: I didn't think it was that bad.
Alex Richards: That whiskey cost me 2 bucks for a 60. It's real bad.
SZR: No.. the drink you made.
Alex Richards: Well those guys are professional drunks. My type of people. They gig for free booze.
SZR: Wait? You make smart financial decisions?
Alex Richards: Don't tell anybody. It'll be bad for my rep. Besides always good to have more drinking buddies around. But you know I'll bet you're wondering Zach.. what does that drink have to do with Kyle Cameron.
SZR: Actually I was wondering why you didn't dump your drink into a boot like you usually do. Not that I'm complaining.
Alex Richards: The boot is the finest drinking instrument every created.. Kyle Cameron's drink... or Kyle Cameron for that matter... isn't good enough for the boot! Kyle Cameron... like this drink is all flash and absolutely no substance! Nothing to him at all. Last week he declared himself the actual world champion. Big fucking whoop! You know what that says to me, and everyone else with half a brain... I'm not good enough to win the world title so I created my own. Because it generates notice for him. He has a belt so he must be good, right?
Alex laughs again. And then looks at his drink with distaste and takes a small sip. Meanwhile Shaun has started in on a second one.
Alex Richards: I guess he needs us to talk about his fake world title belt. I mean what else would we talk about. The talk he kept picking fights with Frank Veneble and kept getting his head superkicked off. Actually I wish he would talk about that. Frank is awesome and watching him superkick people is one of the highlight of my week. In fact I made a 12 hour DVD set which is just Franky superkicking people.
SZR: I wish you were joking about that.
Alex Richards: But the fact you picked a fight with an announcer and lost is your career highlight so far speaks volumes. I mean besides that.. you lost to the world champion two weeks ago. You lost in the world title tournament to Chase Jackson. I'm trying to think of more career highlights? How about some of my career highlights? Five different championships in a major fed? Sure, I'm not gonna be like some people and brag endless about what I did elsewhere. But I beat five different people who won a championship. That's pretty impressive , right? Then there's my track record around here. I have victories over two former world title challengers. A win over a former world champion in that same other federation. Coming soon a third win over a man who fought the world champion in a non title match. Last week alone, I defeated Chase Jackson and broke |Wright's nose in a brawl. You might think that's not very impressive, right? But in one week I already did way more than Kyle Cameron has ever done in the UCI! Because as far as Kyle is concerned, are there any more career highlights? Oh yeah... you made your own title! I'm sorry man, I'm trying to think of how I can make you look good. I know I'm supposed to talk my opponents up a ltitle, especially when I know I'm definately going to win. That way it makes me look that much better when I beat them.
SZR: Unless you say that's what you're doing..
Alex ignores Shaun, as per usual.
Alex Richards: But I just can't. I mean I beat Chase Jackson in the quickest win in UCI history.
SZR: I'm not sure that's true.
Alex Richards: It could be. I don't think they sprang for a stop watch to make sure though so I'm just gonna claim it anyways. I did win in well under a minutes and that's pretty impressive compared to a guy that Chase easily handled. But you know.. I'm looking forward to this match. I really am. Because you see Kyle might not be a great wrestler, he might not even be a good wrestler. Hell, he might not even be an average wrestler. He's certainly gonna be a wrestler who gets slaughtered by the Archduke of Mass Confusion. But the one thing he is.. is a smart wrestler.
Alex looks around under the bar, taking the opportunity to ninja swig some tequila straight from a bottle. Fortunately health inspectors went out of style in the new world. Especially since he pulls out... an old giant rusty bed spring obviously taken from a minimum king sized bed.
SZR: Oh no. I thought you threw that out!
Alex Richards: Way back in the day I had a match against a hardcore champion. My first ever title shot in a major federation in fact. Well I lost. Sure, there was outside interference. But I got concussed, You've been doing knocked out, and defeated. But instead of accepting that I went on a bender and found this title belt in a hospital dumpster. Probably because someone threw it out after they had to get a tetanus shot but whatever. So I fought a parking lot attendent, was victorious and declared myself the hardcore champion. I even successfully defended my title against a wine affictionato.
SZR: So a wino.
Alex Richards: I don't judge heavy drinkers. I join them! But when it came right down to it, my title was a fake, it was something I made up to amuse myself.. and to sort of hint I thought I deserved another kick at the can, another chance at the hardcore championship. And guess what? It worked.. two months later I got my shot in a five way match and when the match was over I was the new Hardcore champion.
Alex holds up his rusty bed spring and makes belt motions before finally setting it down.
Alex Richards: Because it doesn't matter if it's a real title or not if you convince some people it is, it'll get you your shot eventually. That's what Kyle is betting on. Created a troll bait world championship. Named it the ACTUAL world championship to give it some fake credibility. Even came up with 24/7 rules so he could lord that over the champion. Hell he probably hired bodyguards to keep people away from him 24/7 so he won't lose the title backstage. But see, here's the thing. I know my fake hardcore title got me a title shot. Even though at the time I was so whacked out on drugs I actually thought I was the champion. That was a great two months by the way. I know the power of the fake title. And I want that power. You already had your shot at the Crow.. you blew it. I want the same chance. So how do I get it? Simple, win the ACTUAL world title and cash in for a champion vs. Fake champion match. You've been doing nothing by failing lately Cameron so it's a given you're gonna fail in your first fake title defense as well.
SZR: Why is that?
Alex Richards: Because he's going up against a man no one has pinned in the UCI of course. But actually that's not the reason. The reason is, he just wants to take short cuts instead of actually earning anything. You lost to the world champion, deal with it, don't whine that you're better then him. Do you see me crying that Micheal won the battle royal or Wendy won the television title against me, or Erin eliminated me from the world title tournament. No, you deal with those things, you move on and you earn more shots. But the way you're doing things. That makes me think you know you can't actually earn those shots. You're hoping one gets handed to you. And you get lucky. Well you aren't getting lucky this week. Not against me. The only thing you're getting handed is your ass. Every week I come out here and do things the Guardians way. We don't beg for stuff. We earn it. And people who do.. they kind of make me sick. This is your one chance to prove you deserve an opportunity... if you can beat me. But I'll let you in on a little secret. You don't deserve it. You can't earn it. You're just like this drink Kyle..
Alex holds up one more of the Kyle Cameron special drinks.
Alex Richards: The cherry on top came from a jar, the whipped topping isn't actually whipped cream at all, it's just whipped oil. The Baileys is that nasty Bailey's dairy creamer you can buy at the grocery store, no booze in it at all. And even the coffee is decaf. Everything about that drink is phony, it's a fraud, it's empty, it has no real value. Just like you Kyle.
Alex raises his glass and downs it.
Alex Richards: Here's to your health Kyle Cameron. Because Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster knows, that's the only thing you actually have. Hopefully it's not damaged too much after this Sunday. When this match is over I might just defend the title in a drinking contest or a mosh off in this very bar because as far as I'm concerned this title has as much value as you Kyle, absolutely nothing. But I'll take it never the less. Because I don't want a man like you getting an undeserved world title shot.
Meanwhile at the end of Alex's speech the band has rejoined the stage and tossed their now empty bottle of whiskey into the cheering crowd at the bar.
Fred Hazel: We're Temporal Wonkiness and shut the fuck up because we're gonna perform. This is a special request from the boss Alex Richards. He gave us the good whiskey if we would play this song in honour of his opponent Kyle Cameron.
The band begins to play a strange semi polka version of this song as the scene fades to black.