Cryogenix Rides Again (Part 4)
Jul 10, 2016 2:31:12 GMT -6
Spencer Adams, The Polar Phantasm, and 1 more like this
Post by Alex Richards on Jul 10, 2016 2:31:12 GMT -6
This is part 4 of 4 of the Guardian's 8 Bit series. Unless you like to be spoiled.. in which case you're probably the type of guy who likes to kick puppies too. For shame. Slink off and read the rest of the series first. For everyone else... enjoy!
Act 1- Just Another (Shoot) Night at the Sloshed Pit
The insurance settlement must have come in as it appears the sloshed pit has been repaired. And it's owner Alex Richards is in rare form. Drinking from a boot with his half brother, slash cameraman Shaun Zach.
Alex Richards: You know why I put a stage in here, right Zach?
SZR: You enjoy stage diving with or without a crowd.
Alex Richards: I prefer without a crowd. Getting drunk with a concussion is so much better than getting drunk without a concussion. But that's not it.
SZR: Because of the house band.
Alex Richards: Also a good guess. But Temporal Wonkiness isn't playing tonight. At least not yet. They have no set schedule so they could be here anytime. But the real reason is this.. if you're a professional wrestler.. you love to shoot. And where better to shoot then on a stage? Surrounded by drunk people. But people still far less drunk then I am!
SZR: Because no one is ever drunker than you.
Alex Richards: You always say such nice things bro.
SZR: That wasn't meant as a positive.
Alex ignores his brother.. as he is want to do. He advances towards the stage grabbing a fresh bottle of Zim-Quila to drink from on his way. The patrons of the bar loudly cheer. Because of course they do. Alex is the owner of their favorite bar, and one hell of a drinking buddy to boot. He gets on stage and grabs the mic.
Alex Richards: You know something. Every since I joined the UCI, I haven't had a winning fucking record. Never. Not once. Lost my first match, lost the second match, won the third, won the fourth. Lost the fifth. Won the sixth. Even is the best that I've done. I don't think so! I'm a guardian! Have you seen the guardians? Have you seen what we do? Are we average?
A few people shout out no.
Alex Richards: I can't hear you... and make that a fuck no!
The crowd shouts fuck no much louder this week.
Alex Richards: That's right! We aren't average! We aren't ordinary! We aren't just another wrestler on the roster. And you know what? I refuse to be! This week I face Chase Jackson.. and I will prove to the world that I'm not average.,.. I'm not normal.. I'm not like everybody else! As if there was ever a doubt!
Alex begins to pace working himself up.
Alex Richards: People say Chase is the future. Chase is gonna be a world champion someday. Chase is going to be a big star. Well guess that I'm fixing to do all of those things. Not at some day in the distance future that may never happen. I'm going to do it, right fucking now! I'm not a blue chip prospect. I feel I can beat anyone in the world at any time. So Chase is a prospect... Chase is a future champion? Well I'm a guy who is ready to be a champion.. right now! Last week I beat a man who received a chance at the world title in Andre Holmes. This week I'm facing Chase, another man who received a shot at the world title. So when I take him out.. I'm going to make a statement. And that statement is.. where's my title shot? I'm not a patient man. I don't like to wait in lines anywhere. Unfortunately most places you have to wait your turn. But not in wrestling. If you see someone ahead of you in line, like you Chase, you can smack them upside the head and take their place. Unless they can do something about it. Sorry Chase, from what I've seen from you you can't do anything about it. You've gotten all the glory in the UCI so far. But you haven't earned it. World title shot, Rising Stars title shot. Lost em both. You didn't earn em. And I'm gonna prove it by defeating you this week. And as for the world title...
Alex grins.
Alex Richards: I ain't greedy. I'm not saying I want that world title shot right now. I'm just saying I'm gonna keep beating people, everyone they put in front of me until the titles start coming. Like I said earlier, my record isn't the greatest. But that's about to change. I know this.. no one has pinned me, no one has submitted me, and besides the world champion and the number one title contender nobody else can say that. You can't Chance. And you won't be able to say you were the first to pin me either. I told Andre that. And I backed it up. I tell you the same and guess what? I'm backing it up again.
Alex shrugs.
Alex Richards: Nothing personal. But I don't think you're as good as most people do. I'm tired of shit getting handed to you on a silver platter. But I ain't bitter. Nah, that ain't me. The big man.. he doesn't complain. He just gets in the ring and makes his statement. I hope you provide as good a challenge as Andre Holmes did last week. That was one hell of a battle. But I don't think you will. The only thing you had going for you was the element of surprise. People didn't know how good you are. People underestimated you. Well I'm not underestimating you. You recieved a world title shot. So I'm treating you as the threat a world title challenger deserves. Of course if you're not really that good... it's gonna be a long night for you Chase. Bring your best Chase. But when this match is over.. we all know how it's gonna end.. with you laying flat on the mat.. and me standing over you.. hands raised.. screaming out... YOLO ADRIAN! I GOT IT! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Alex Richards: That was a damn good woo. And I'm going to make a damn good champion someday. But you're in my path Chase. Good luck in your career. But this week.. being in my path.. that's bad luck for you.
Act 2- The Pantheon err.. Guardians err.. Cyrogenix's Team Meeting
Narrator: (Alex Richards) The Guardians, or I guess in this case the Cryogenix team to be more accurate, are gathered back at their old stomping grounds for a team meeting. At the large table that once was Crygenix's war room. You don't know what the war room looks like? You clearly haven't been paying enough attention to the Guardians. Shame on you. Ain't nothing going on in the UCI better than the Guardians! We'll wait while you catch up. Okay.. no time for that. Catch up with us later. For those already in the know Polar Phantasm is at the head of the table as befitting the leader. To his left are Jeff Purse and Corey Black. To his right Frank Veneble and Nightmare. At the end... absolutely no one. The meeting begins.
Polar Phantasm: Alright, it's been awhile since we got together so I figure we should go over the motivation for this mission.
Corey Black: Oh, we're having a meeting? In that case let me get it on the record that Pantheon is way better than Crygenix... or the Guardians.
Jeff Purse: #Pantheon.
Jeff and Corey fist bump.
Polar Phantasm: You're kidding right?
Corey Black: Name one thing that makes The Guardians better!
Polar Phantasm: Space Dragon, time travel, methods of transportation that would make Evil Keivel jealous, superpowers, otherworldly visits. Need I continue?
Corey Black: You never coma kicked Jay Price.
FPV: Hey.. how did I miss that? I always wanted to coma kick someone!
Jeff Purse: We rest our case.
Nightmare: What case? You guys know we are here to rescue Bonnie and Jay, right?
Jeff Purse: I'm really just here so I can gloat about it to Jay. You remember that time I saved your ass? Cause I do! I can text that to him... exactly 311 times a day, exactly 311 times a year, for exactly 311 years. Offer void in the event of death.
Corey Black: I really just came here to see Little Corey.
FPV: Why would the Guardians have your kid?
Corey Black: Jay Omega's dinosaur! Named after me... small... hates powerbombs.
Nightmare: I swear if that thing pops out at me late at night in the dark.. it'll be the last thing it ever does..
FPV: Where is it and where can I let it loose?
Polar Phantasm: Apparently we could possibly have a dinosaur too so check and mate.
Nightmare: Would you get on with this?
Polar Phantasm: Gentlemen.. the seriousness of this can't be overstated. Two members of our team have been captured. That simply won't do. Because of this a good leader motivates their team. So whoever rescues Bonnie and Jay... gets first dibs at the celebratory joint.
Corey Black: I don't fucking smoke pot. And I'll be drinking a diet Coke in celebration of all the fools I got to kill, maim, whatever, regardless. What's in it for me?
Jeff Purse: Umm... first dibs is great for me. No offense guys but I don't know where you've been. All those germs.
Polar Phantasm: Alright, I'll bite. What do you want if you do the rescuing?
Corey Black: Rename the Guardians to Pantheon... for one week.
Polar Phantasm: Alright fine.
FPV: You guys brought the weapons right? Because I did!
Frankie reaches under the table and pulls out a large black box. Which he both carefully and gleefully places on the table. Nightmare looks inside.
Nightmare: Fuck no!
Corey looks over the table into the box.
Corey Black: Fuck no is right. Where the fuck is your head at?
Jeff glances inside.
Jeff Purse: Are you kidding me? Dynamite?
Frankie looks insulted.
FPV: Well yeah... how I am supposed to blow shit up without dynamite? Geez, no wonder you guys are the demolitions expert.
Polar Phantasm: Now I don't doubt you can cause a big boom.
FPV: Big boom is an understatement. Try not only is this gonna blow up *8 Bit's base, it's gonna rock Chimney Rock and it's hundreds of miles away!
Polar Phantasm: Not that I'm against blowing up 8 Bit's base.. but aren't we gonna be in there?
Frank thinks for a minute.. then sets his mp5 machine gun on the table.
FPV: Fine.. I can still use this right?
Polar Phantasm: Of course you can! It's important to be prepared because we don't know what this 8 Bit is bringing to the fight. That's why it's important to get to his hide out and hit him before he hits us again. Especially since Bonnie and Jay could be in trouble.
Corey Black: Real men don't use guns. I got something better.
Corey pulls out... a massive steel war hammer! This thing looks like it's straight out of the middle ages, heavy spikes protruding from the hammer head.
Corey Black: This guy 8-Bit, he's basically a video game nerd right? An internet troll? Well I've told everyone for years want to deal with a troll? Hit em with a fucking ban hammer! This is my ban hammer.. Banamoar!
Nightmare: So Norse for slayer?
Corey Black: Fucking A it is! And I'm gonna slay... fucking everyone!
Polar Phantasm: Anyone else got something to share?
Jeff Purse: Brought my throwing knives. For old times sake. Haven't thrown one of these in years...
FPV: It's like riding a bike.. that's been set on fire. Hmm... do we have five minutes?
Nightmare: We have to leave.. now.
Polar Phantasm: Yeah you right. But where's C-5? We need him for this mission. Eye-Seven do you have a location for Alex Richards.
Eye-Seven: Intiation.. Cryogenix.. enterance sequence.
Polar Phantasm: What are you..
Polar is unable to get another word out as "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" by the Propellerheads begins blaring over the speakers. The hangar door opens up and we hear a screaming voice try to be heard over the theme song of Cryogenix. I CAN'T STOP OP OP OP OP! Pink lasers and strobe lights annoy the united group except for Frankie and Polar who seem to be enjoying the show. As Alex Richards walks in dressed to the nines. He is wearing a tailored purple designer suit, a mink overcoat, alligator skin boots, a massively oversized pink fuzzy hat with a feather in it, is wearing a gold chain with a mini gold bottle of Zim-Quila being held by a beautiful golden lady on it, and for a finale is carrying a jewel encrusted pimp cane.
Alex Richards: Some of you suckas said I couldn't take the place of Steve Orbit! You even said I wasn't a flamboyant mouthpiece like Steve is. Well choke on your words motherfuckas!
Alex then begins twirling his jewel encrusted cane.
Alex Richards: I spent all afternoon perfecting that twirl and by god it was worth it! The Mass Pimp of Arch Confusion is here! Or the Archduke of Mack Confusion. Yeah that one sounds better! I'm repping Chicago because it's the real pimp nation fuck Oakland, Cyrogenix, the Guardians and..
Polar Phantasm: This is what you wasted the whole day doing?
Alex Richards: Umm.. yeah.
Polar Phantasm: Time well spent!
Alex Richards: Well let's go beat 8-Bit and his hoes like trick ass bitches who own us money you know what I'm saying?
Corey Black: Is he gonna talk like this all fucking day?
FPV: He better because it's awesome!
Nightmare: I swear.. I just started liking Bonnie and if she dies because the lot of you wasted time cracking jokes and.. I'll just hunt you down and.. You know I have the skill set to do so.
Polar Phantasm: Crystal.. relax. We're leaving. Okay here's the plan. Jeff and I are gonna drop in through the roof as the rest of you rush the door, break in through windows, whatever's your flavor. I figure we hit them from multiple fronts they won't be ready. Who I am kidding... they aren't ready for Cyrogenix! C'mon guys.. let's save the day... as per usual. Jeff, you're riding with me.
Polar and Jeff head off in the direction of the ARTIC, Corey looks at his old teammate Alex.
Alex Richards: Oh hell yeah! Hop in Corey! I got the 70s Funk popping, some sweet hoes popping and locking on the big screen for our enjoyment and you wouldn't believe the cheddar I made today from the club.
Corey Black: You're gonna talk like this all fucking day. I don't think so.
Corey without another word joins Nightmare in the DREEM machine leaving Alex and Frank looking at each other.
FPV: I could leave the dynamite behind..
Alex Richards: Really?
FPV: Or I could throw it at stop signs and blow them up.
Alex Richards: Dude... sweet! We'll get there twice as fast! But can we fire some down manholes too? I always wanted to see a rat exodus! Besides as the Archduke of Mack Confusion.. they all my bitches.. so dance bitches dance!
FPV: How could we not?
Alex and Frankie high five and follow the other two vehicles as Crygenix rides again... (sort of)
Act 3- Spoiler Alert Here To Save The Day
Polar Phantasm has a lead foot. On top of that his vehicle, The A.R.T.I.C. Has a definate speed edge on the DREEM and the Strange Rover. Especially considering the sheer volume of stuff the Rover is throwing out the window and watching smash on their way to 8-Bit's lair. Nightmare and Corey are probably bonding in anger over the fact Polar and Jeff are leaving them behind. The impressive vehcile breezes through the Nebraska landscape, passing over several cities, some rural areas before finally slowing in the industrial area where several large buildings come into view. The ARTIC stops in the middle of a five building row landing on the roof of the warehouse. Jeff and Polar emerge Jeff fiddling with a vast assortment of rope as he turns to Polar.
Jeff Purse: Okay, I know how we're getting down. We;re going to hook these grappling hooks to your ride and repeal down the rope. But how are we getting in?
Polar Phantasm: The most bad ass, distracting way possible of course. See this is why I'm the boss.
Polar casually returns to the ARTIC coming back with a bazooka in one hand and a massive, think Grim Reaper's Scythe, level ice pick in the other.
Jeff Purse: Holy fuck.
Polar Phantasm: Hold this.
Polar hands Jeff the ice pick.
Jeff Purse: Did you wash it?
Polar Phantasm: It's been in the freezer. That kills germs.
Jeff Purse: The freezer was turned on, correct?
Polar Phantasm: Why would you ask that? Of course!
Jeff Purse: I used to team with Alex Richards.. that's the kind of thing he would have done.
Polar Phantasm: Yeah.. you right.. now stand back... there's gonna be a big boom..
And with that Polar blasts the roof of the building with the bazooka instantly igniting an area of the roof as it saved in colapsing to the floor far below. Jeff expertly tosses and hooks his grappling hook around the feet of the ARTIC on the first try. Polar tries, fails, curses, then successes the second time before giving a smiling Jeff a don't you even look. The duo then repeal down the hole into the warehouse base that is 8-Bit's domain.. they plummet to the floor past a multitude of platforms seemingly suspended in air. They ignore them. Polar just before he landed kicked out knocking 8 Bit flying across the room. 8-Bit gets up sullenly.
8-Bit: How the fuck did you find me so fast? I wasn't ready..
Polar Phantasm: Easy. I got Eye-Seven to tell me where the place that was draining the most electricity on the grid was. Lead me straight here. Fuck throwing a grappling hook, this is why I'm the boss.
Jeff Purse: Get your hands out of your pocket!
8-Bit: What? It's suddenly cold in here.
Polar Phantasm: Sorry, that's probably me. Here's how this is gonna do down. You free Bonnie and Jay and we might not kick your ass. They might be pissed, so I can't speak for them.
Jeff Purse: This is too easy.
Polar Phantasm: We're the best. Sometimes it just is that easy.
8-Bit: You're fucking idiots! I got you now!
8-Bit who was fumbling around in his pocket for something pulls it out.. a fully powered super nintendo controller!
Jeff Purse: I don't think this guy is playing with a full deck.
Polar Phantasm: Yeah, you right. Now if you're not gonna give up Bonnie and Jay I'm gonna have to beat it out of you. You don't want to hold out until Corey gets here. The dude is pissed, dude is always pissed.
Jeff Purse: You can say that again.
8-Bit: No.. I don't think so.. how about I just.. pause this game?
8-Bit presses the button and suddenly Jeff and Polar are freeze framed.
8-Bit: Ha! It worked! I knew it! You guys walked right into my trap! You Guardians knocked me into a coma.. how does it feel to be frozen, Polar? But unlike me.. you aren't never gonna wake up from this! Just a second.. gonna make this epic.
8-Bit retreats to back to the back room, which has a wall of entirely bulletproof glass. He enters and returns dragging a sword, a mighty pixelated sword. A brightly glowing sword.
8-Bit: Polar.. prepare to die at the hands of the original... MASTER SWORD! Jeff Purse.. you have lousy taste in friends so you die too..
TRICK ASS HOE! TIME TO PAY THE MACK BITCHES!
Alex Richards flies through the window sending broken glass flying everywhere!
Alex Richards: Corey Black just threw me through a window allowing me to fly and now I see the saddest looking John in the world? Best day ever!
Corey follows shaking his head.
Corey Black: I'm fucking impressed I didn't injure myself hurling you through the window. Fuck it still would have been worth it.
The front door of the building proceeds to be made into swiss cheese in a hail of bullets. Then Nightmare kicks the remains in allowing her and Frank Patrick Veneble entry to the room.
8-Bit: Damnit! I knew I shouldn't have wasted so much time gloating! Ah well... if trapping two was good.. then trapping six is gonna be epic!
8-Bit presses another button and the all the floating beams start to come down sideways.. hundreds of these beams.. trapping the guardians within a massive wooden maze as 8-Bit retreats to his bucker looking at his master gaming system with obvious delight. He starts to jam in cartiages seemingly at random.
8-Bit: This is not random! I know exactly what I am doing! Just because you don't know the order of the games in my shelf doesn't mean I don't! Judgemental fuck.
Okay fine, 8-Bit quickly jams games in setting his master plan in motion. Finally as his last gesture he presses the power button on his 22' inch wake wood and fake silver patterned Ferguson television set. Haven't heard of a Ferguson? It was probably the only 80s model tv 8-Bit could find on short notice. 8-Bit chooses to watch the action on the television instead of the massive window for some reason.
8-Bit: This is gonna be great! I'm in such a good mood I'm even gonna unpause Jeff and Polar. Just make it that much sweeter when my bad guys get em!
8-Bit giggles.
8-Bit: I made all those Shinobis... I can't believe I didn't throw in some Bowsers!
Alright, here it comes.. the big, crazy, fight scene. But before you read it there's something you have to know. All of these individual scenes are happening at roughly the same time. In the interests of avoiding confusion they are all displayed independantly. Get it, got it? Good. Enjoy!
The Polar Phantasm smiles.. then his smile freezes, kind of like he just froze. He looks around, noticing the walls surrounding him, the narrow hallways..
Polar Phantasm: Son of a bitch! Where the hell am I.. What happened? Wait.. that controller... it actually worked?
The voice of 8-Bit is heard as if over a loudspeaker. He is really speaking into the headset microphone he is wearing.
8-Bit: This is my world Polar of course it worked! You arrogant fuck! Leader of the Guardians... you caused me to get electrocuted... let's see how you like it..
Polar Phantasm: That.. can't be good.
Polar branishes his super ice pick. Ready for any kind of action. Then sometime bumps into him.. shocking him causing him to jump back. Then look down in disgust.
Polar Phantasm: I'm the Polar fucking Phantom and you give me this shit..
Polar quickly spears a 8-bit, poorly animated electric eel causing it to disappaer in a quick burst of static.
Polar Phantasm: You gave me a stock villian? I think I'm insulted.
8-Bit: I didn't give you one... I gave you an army!
And indeed dozens upon dozens of the annoying eels start to pursue Polar who swings his ice pick like a golf club sending them flying asounder.
Polar Phantasm: When I find you 8-Bit I'm freezing one of these babies and sticking it down your pants to thaw!
8-Bit chuckles as Polar decides to amuse himself by clubbing one of the eels on the head to stun it then picks it up spinning it around by the tail and firing it into the other eels causing them to shock one of their own and generally frying the entire gang.
Polar Phantasm: It's official. Bad NES game characters don't know how electricity works. Now all I have to do is find my way out of this maze and get my hands on that video game dweeb.
Polar notice noticing the large pile of fried eels in front of him, decides to toss them over the wall out of his way. He begins firing them over.. until one comes back and hits him in the head.
Polar Phantasm: Hey!
Don't throw your trash over the wall at me, Cam!
Polar Phantasm: Crystal! Is that you?
Nightmare: No.. it's the other girl in here. What do you think?
Polar Phantasm: I have lame electric eels. What do you got?
Nightmare: Absolutely nothing.
Polar Phantasm: No baddies at all?
Nightmare: And I'm pissed off about it!
Polar Phantasm: 8-Bit seems like one hell of a lame villian.
8-Ball: Does any game blow all it's best bad guys in the first stage?
Nightmare: When I find my way out of here you won't get a second stage.
Polar Phantasm: I think this might be the way..
Polar turns the corner of the wooden maze and...
Polar Phantasm: Nope, dead end.
Nightmare: Oh, you have a great sense of direction.
Polar goes back and fires another eel over the wall at her.
Nightmare: I swear I'm gonna scale this wall and...
She doesn't get to finish the sentence as a red pixaled Excitebike scoops her up out of thin air. It's rider holding her off the ground as the bike pops a wheelie and takes off Nightmare screaming profanities as she disappears off deeper into the maze.
Polar Phantasm: Crystal? Crystal? Crystal!!!!!!!!!!!
8-Bit: The Great Polar Phantasm want a real challenge? This one is gonna barrel you over!
And with that.. coming straight through the dead end like a true illogical video game comes the massive Atari version of Donkey Kong.. Who is tossing barrels at a jerky, helter skelter pace. Our hero easily dodges and leaps over the barrels.
Polar Phantasm: C'mon.. big guy.. get a little closer.
Polar raises his ice pick for a perhaps fatal strike. Leaping over a barrel.. and never seeing the next wave of eels coming. They sting Polar in the legs, distracting him just enough to get leveled by Kong's flying barrel. The eels swarm Phantasm shocking away as Donkey wades in slowly giant barrel in hand ready to smash.....
A fucking maze? With fucking wood? What kind of little bitch hides behind a fucking maze?
The angry voice of Corey Black is heard as the man himself beats angrily on the walls of the wooden maze with his war hammer.
Corey Black: Where the fuck you at, 8-Ball? You little bitch! You want to get ban hammered? I'll fucking ban hammer you!
8-Ball: The language!
Corey Black: Are you fucking offended?
8-Ball: I fucking love it! So much anger.. you remind me of me. And I know would me wouldn't like...
Corey Black: I'm fucking like you? I don't fucking think so! When I get my hands on you... I'll show you why Creeping Death is the ultimate bad ass and you're some video game geek who trolls people in a maze.
A hail of bullets interrupt Corey's thought as animated gangsters with Tommy Guns shoot at Corey.
Corey Black: I fucking hate guns! People who need guns are pussies and clearly you Dick Tracy bad guy rejects look like pussies!
8-Ball: Dick Tracy! You're right! Now who's the video game geek?
Corey Black: It was a fucking lucky guess! Oh fuck these guys!
Corey rushes the gangster blasting several with his hammer, even causing a little pixelated blood to flow. He slams another against the wall before decapitating it with the hammer.
Corey Black: See, this is why a fucking Viking War Hammer is better than a gun!
Two more approach from behind And Corey hurls the hammer dropping the first one and causing him to disappear with a solid flying hammer to the temple. He grabs the second one, pulls his gun away from him breaking it over his knee before lifting the vaguely Flattop looking dude up in the air and destroying him with the burning hammer before picking up his hammer and slamming it definately into the ground.
Corey Black: I rest my fucking case.
8-Ball: You don't like guns? Well how about this..
A pink character floats towards Mr. Black.
Corey Black: Fucking Kirby? You sicced fucking Kirby on me? What the fuck is Kirby going to do to me?
Corey doesn't get another words out however as the pink character sucks wind... and sucks up Corey Black inside of itself.
Frank Patrick Veneble looks around clearly excited, running around the maze at what appears to be top speed.
FPV: Are you kidding? I fucking love mazes! This is gonna be too easy! Normally I would get slowed down what with placing bombs in a few select dead ends because a dead end isn't a dead end unless something can really die. Then again these are my friends. Probably a good thing I don't have any bombs. But hell I still have..
Frank fires off a round from his MP5 machine gun into the air.
8-Bit: Hey! Hey.. someone is gonna have to clean that shit up! And it's gonna be my mom.
FPV: You still live with your mom?
8-Bit: Oh... that's it! You asked for it... I was saving these guys for someone special... you're it!
And with that... an army of black clad ninjas.. shinobis if you will surround Frank.
FPV: Ninja on Frank violence? This is a real problem in the streets. For the ninjas! This doesn't seem like a fair fight though. Let's go to multi Frank mode!
And with that Frank Veneble splits.. into at least fifty different Franky's! The ninjas toss stars but they are little to no match for Frank's ultimate weapon... the superkick!
A Frank superkicks a ninja
FPV: Boom kill shot!
Another Frank superkicks a ninja
FPV: Atomic Headshot!
Four Franks at once superkick a ninja.. apparently the Franks are now outnumbering the ninjas
FPV: - Quadruple Decapitation!!!
Four more Franks superkick a ninja
FPV: You done fucked ip!
Another Four Franks get their superkick on!
FPV: Your Head Asplode
I'll bet you know what happened next..
FPV: Heartbreak Kid's Revenge!
This sort of writes itself don't it?
FPV: MelonBlaster!!!
Four Franks don't superkick a ninja.. yeah right
FPV: Ultimo-Brain Damage!!!
We have more Franks you do the math
FPV: Hiroshimas Revenge!!!
These guys must be the Brooklyn Brawlers of the Ninja world
FPV: the Four Foot Salute
And finally the grand finale..
FPV: A Guy Getting Fucking Kicked In The Fucking Head By Four to Five Other Guys!!!
Frank looks on as other Franks continue to superkick the crap out of Shinobis.
FPV: I'll have you know each and every one of those are officials titles for that move! I had them trademarked myself.
8-Bit: What are you doing? I used to like that game! Shinobis... why can't you fucking dodge!
Another army of ninjas approach Frank.
FPV: More?
8-Bit: I used my game genie to infinately respawn them!
Frank shrugs.
FPV: I got infinate superkicks too. What up!
Frank continues superkicking, however one of the Franks notices something... floating cherries.
FPV: Hmm.. yeah this could work..
Frank begins tying the cherries together as the fight continues. Eventually he weaves at least 10 of the floating cherries together before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a fuse.
FPV: They said no dynamite. They didn't say I couldn't make a bomb out of what I found in here. I am the demolitions expert.. let's see how this works out..
Frank lits the fuse.. and a large pixelated explosion sends him... the ninjas, and a massive section of wooden walls hurling through the air.
Jeff Purse looks around confused.
Jeff Purse: We were just going to nerd smash that dude and now where are we? I don't trust all this wood. It's pretty never been cleaned.
8-Bit: It's not real wood! It's all part of the game.
Jeff Purse: Is the game cleaned though?
8-Bit: Only a noob doesn't clean their games. If you don't clean them they get dusty. Then they suck even more because they freeze up and glitch out! Do you really think I would play a video game at less then peak condition?
Jeff Purse: That's a relief. Hey where are you? I need to win this bet in order to get first hit of the joint and..
8-Bit: You really think I'm that stupid?
Jeff seems about to respond when God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You starts to play from his cell phone. We actually hear laughter in the background, but we aren't really sure from who. One of the guardians?
8-Bit: No... it's me!
Jeff ignores him and answers the phone.
Jeff Purse: Hi.. Kari. Yeah.. I'm not too busy. I can talk.
8-Bit: Really? You're in a battle with a super villian here!
Jeff Purse: It's my wife.
8-Bit: Alright fine. I'll wait.
Jeff talks on the phone as 8-Bit impatiently looks elsewhere.
Alex Richards looks sharp in his pimp outfit.. but he looks completely crestfallen.
Alex Richards: A maze? Really? A maze? Fuck, I thought I had a good chance at winning the first hit of the doobie and rescueing Bonnie and Jay. But a maze? That just ain't my strong suit. I like going through stuff not figuring my way around it.
8-Bit: No kidding!
Alex Richards: Shut up before I smash you.. Wait.. wait.. that's what the archduke of Mass Confusion might say. I'm the Archduke of Mack Confusion. Time to use those mad, macking, pimping people skills to use. I'll give you a sweet ass hoe if you give yourself up.
8-Bit: As if you don't have any women with you!
Alex Richards: I'll teach you how to twirl a cane like this.
Alex demostrates his sweet pimp cane twirling skills again.
8-Bit: I could learn that on the internet!
Alex Richards: You know.. I was champion of the internet.
8-Bit: Bullshit! You aren't king of the internet! You aren't even prince! I didn't know you know but I know you must be punished now!
Alex Richards: Jayson Price was king of the internet. I was God of the internet. Fuck, get your story straight man. You're all confused. Wicked! Mission accomplished.
8-Bit: What mission? Being a fucktard! Talking with you hurts my head. Have some goombas!
The little frowny looking mushroom looking little enemies invade Alex's space as he looks at them with a grin.
Alex Richards: I always wondered. What exactly would these guys do if they ever got to you? Let me see..
Alex allows a goomba and come right up against him..
Alex Richards: The hell it bit me! These fuckers bit! Ah well.. I played this game before.
Alex leaps up and stomps the goomba.. then stomps another gomba.. then another!
Alex Richards: This is too easy. Although I am enjoying the fact this kind of feels like a mosh pit!
8-Bit: Alright fine fucker. How do you like the koopa troopa, smart guy?
And indeed the mario brother's turtle looking creatures appear on the scene which Alex waits for... and stomps the turtle on the skull then boots it towards the koopa troopas knocking out the whole group.
Alex Richards: You know.. this was the only video game I was ever any good at.
8-Bit Oh.. you lucky..
Alex Richards: Hmm... they are turtles right... let's see..
Alex waits for a koopa troopa to get close.. then pulls it from it's shell and eats it.
Alex Richards: Taste just like chicken.
8-Bit: It's made from a video game! It tastes like nothing!
Alex Richards: And it doesn't really fill you up either. What the...
A riderless Excitebike flies in Alex's direction. But he saw it coming and stops it with a swift movement of his hand holding it in place.
Alex Richards: Hmm.. that gives me an idea..
Alex places the bike against a wall as he begins to stomp a mudhole in a large army of koopa troopas leaving a large amount of empty shells.
8-Bit: I'll deal with you later! I want to see the end of Polar!
Polar Phantasm.. being shocked by the electric eels doesn't look like he can move out of the way of the incoming barrel shot from DK.
Polar Phantasm: I can't believe I'm gonna be done in by 8-|Bit.. Von Leibert sure.. but 8-Bit?
8-Bit: Press the reset button
A burst of taunting laughter is heard.
8-Bit: There is no reset button!
Boom! The walls surrounding Polar burst into a glorious pixelled explosion knocking out the electric eels and seemingly stunning Donkey Kong who looks around, pivoting because old atari characters don't turn their heads obviously. This allows the Phantasm to turn his polar powers on the ground icing it over. He gets back to his feet and crackles his knuckles.
Polar Phantasm: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Come and get me you damn dirty ape.
Donkey Kong steps towards Polar.. but his game has no ice so he isn't used it it and slips and falls flat on his ass allowing Polar to soccer kick the barrel several times into Donkey's face.. finally vanquishing him.
8-Bit: What the fuck was that explosion? How the fuck did you get so fucking lucky! There must be something wrong with my game! Who's fucking with my game
8-Bit gets up from his power chair he was watching the action from in order to check his system as the culprit emerges.
FPV: That's right.. I made a cherry bomb.. from fucking cherries! Who's the man?
Polar gives his long time friend a high five.
FPV: And you said you didn't want any bombs.
Polar Phantasm: I did? What the fuck was I thinking? Think we can build more? I have a plan.
FPV: I heard you get stupid when you use your ice powers... and I love it! Let's go with it... Ohh... You see those...
Frank points in the direction of the bob-ombs coming toward them in their little feet. Polar just grins like a kid at Christmas time.
Polar Phantasm: 8-Bit isn't going to see this coming..
Meanwhile Jeff Purse is leaning against a wall still on his cell phone.
Jeff Purse: She said what? Don't worry Kari, I'm sure she's just jealous. Oh no problem I can certainly bring home some eggs on my way home. No trouble at all.
Let's go somewhere more exciting shall we? And what's more exciting then.. Kirby spitting out Corey Black in a heap! The leader of the final version of Pantheon stumbles to his feet only to be grabbed by Kirby... who steals his move hitting Corey with his own burning hammer! Corey instantly goes from stunned and hurt to furious.
Corey Black: What the serious fuck! You can't fucking steal my burning hammer!
8-Bit: He's Kirby stupid! That's what he does! He sucks you up and he steals your move. God, don't you know anything.
Corey Black: I know I'm going to make you eat that fucking Kirby game when I get a hold of you. And as for you.. pink little shit... I dare you to fucking try that again!
Kirby almost has a glint in his eye.. he doesn't but you would imagine he does as Kirby sucks up Cory Black once again!
8-Bit: When you're finished playing with Black Kirby they are plenty more Guardians to dispatch!
Kirby doesn't spit out Corey however. Instead a War Hammer drivers through Kirby's mouth.. then through Kirby's stomach.
8-Bit: This isn't possible!
Corey Black emerges from Kirby war hammer in hand finally chopping Kirbys head off.
Corey Black: Nobody fucking steals my fucking burning hammer! 8-Bit... you're next! I'm gonna Banamoar your ass!
Corey shakes the war hammer intently then walks forward into a dead end and starts to chop his way through with the war hammer obviously intend on finding 8-Bit..
8-Bit: Whatever... I'm not scared... if he gets to me he'll get a nasty surprise!
8-Bit clearly is worried though because he starts to armour up... grabbing himself a power glove and then a gun.. the original NES gun of course.
In the meantime Nightmare is having a nightmare of a time being dragged about by the not very detailed rider on the red excitebike who crashes headlong into a wall. The bike disappearing but Nightmare landing in a bruised and battered heap.
Nightmare: This that the best you got. C'mon 8-Bit.. I thought you were a bad guy! My son has caused me more pain then that!
Sadly Nightmare doesn't look up until it's too late. But I mean who would expect the excitebike to respawn on top of the walls. The excitebike comes crashing down knocking Mrs. Bankston flying again.
Nightmare: What the hell? Did you just die?
8-Bit: What kind of a cheap game do you think this is? Excitebike didn't have just one life. Only you do! Ha ha ha! And by the time it's through with you... that life will be... game over!
The excitebiker picks up Nightmare again who tries to throw punches but gets hurled into a dead end instead. Nightmare slowly gets up.. seemingly rocked as the excitebike does a circle and a hoop appears out of nowhere. The bike pops a wheelie through the hoop but Nightmare slides out of the way causing the bike to crash and burn against the wall.
Nightmare: Had to show off didn't you?
8-Bit: What's a video game without flash? Most of the games I played! My games are much.. much better! I will not only vanquish the Guardians.. but do it with style!
Nightmare: Whatever. Bring it if you can.
The Excitebike respawns again.. and takes a direct path towards Crystal.. who leaps far over the bike.
8-Bit: What? That's not fair! You didn't eat a leaf or anything!
The bike sprints towards Nightmare again.. but this time she is ready stepping to the side and clotheslining the rider right off of the bike! The bike keeps going... far.. far.. off in the distance to parts unknown.. well parts unknown if you weren't paying attention that is. Meanwhile Nightmare curb stomps the rider.. then pick him up over her shoulder and launches him into the wall one last time causing him to disappear!
8-Bit: You can't fucking do that! You Guardians are breaking all the rules! This isn't fucking fair!
8-Bit throws the microphone in frustration. Then kicks over his television set shattering it. Which was probably a bad idea. Because it meant he couldn't see what Alex Richards was doing anymore. And this would turn out to be important.
Alex Richards continued holding the still trying to move excitebike in one hand.. while piling up koopa troopa shells with the other hand.
Alex Richards: Jeff Purse is gonna be so jealous of me when he hears I got to ride an excitebike! BMX ain't got nothing on the excitebike! Plus.. bitches love that shit. I should know.. I'm the archduke of mack confusion. I tell bitches what they like. And then they like it. Sometimes I tell them to like confusing stuff.
Alex surveys the pile of turtle shells then nods.
Alex Richards: Good enough for the women I fuck.
Alex gets on the excitebike and starts driving backwards as far as he can before reaching a dead end.. then picks up speed.. as much speed as possible.
Alex Richards: This is sweet.. the controls on this are just the A and B button. With all the shots I've done over the years no one can bash buttons faster then the Mack Daddy..
And indeed Alex picks up an astounding amount of speed.. he springboards off the turtle shells and over the wall.. and over a second wall.. and a third..
Alex Richards: I love it when a plan comes together. And this plan was pretty far fetched and half assed. I don't know how it worked..
The excitebike crashes into the top of the fourth wall. But being a guardian Alex breaks the fourth wall and continues his flight right into the bulletproof glass window! Alex groans and drags himself to his feet this time using his pimp cane as an actual cane.. because he's broken. He gets up and pounds on the glass in frustration.
Alex Richards: So... fucking close.
Alex sits down then turns his head to the left noticing.. a door.
Alex Richards: No way it's this easy.
Alex tries the door... it opens.
Alex Richards: Really? Didn't lock the door. C'mon.. even I lock the Strange Rover. You never know who might get in.. and steal your booze. Or in this case...
Alex notices the massive multiplatform super gaming system. He whistles.. then notices... the power button.
Alex Richards: It can't be this easy, right?
DON'T YOU FUCKING EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!
Alex presses the power button.. and instantly collapses.
8-Bit: You idiot! You thought that was the power button for the system didn't you? Didn't you? NO... it was YOUR power button! Look at you... all drained of life. You know the best part.. when it finishes shutting you off it moves to the next game.. who's gonna get it first? Bonnie or Jay? Jay or Bonnie? Bonnie or Jay? Oh... I can do this all day!
And he probably would have gloated all day except that at this point Nightmare found her way out of the maze. Sort of. She looks around.. seeing.. the front door.
Nightmare: Son of a bitch! I'm back at the fucking start of this! Goddamnit!
Crystal is beside herself pounding her hands in frustration against the walls.. right next to a fuse box.
Nightmare: Wait.. just a minute.
Nightmare smiles, a plan having come to light. She reaches towards the fuse box.. but it's too far off the ground for her to reach.
Nightmare: That... isn't going to stop me.
She looks around spotting a broom by the front door. She picks it up removing the broom head and viciously jams the stick into the fuse box knocking her to the ground and temporarily out. Nightmare never saw what her efforts did.. as all the lights in the control room went out.
8-Bit: Fuck! No.. back up generator!
8-Bit gives several pulls on the back up generator.. it roars to life and he laughs in glee.
What are you laughing about....
He slowly turns around seeing a freshly released Bonnie Blue and Jay Omega behind him.
8-Bit: I think I have to be going..
Bonnie Blue: I don't think so. I reckon Jay and I earned a little payback.
Jay Omega: We don't have any weapons. So we're gonna have to do this the old fashioned way.
Jay and Bonnie advance on 8-Bit fists clenched. Jay connects with a mauy thai kick followed up with a Bonnie diving elbow drop. They wait on 8-bit to get up. Since he isn't a wrestler this takes a minute. When he does he first coughs then laughs
8-Bit: No weapons? That's a shame! I brought plenty!
Bonnie and Jay advance again.. only this time both are knocked back with shots from the power glove
8-Bit: I love the power glove! It's so bad! But wait.. there's more!
8-Bit lifts up his digital zapper nintendo gun and starts to blast away on the Guardians members who duck and dodge as blasts from the gun take out the bulletproof glass!
8-Bit: If someone hadn't taken out my power there would be a digital dog to fetch my prey. That would be real fucking helpful right now!
Jay Omega: We can't hear your stupid bullets coming! Don't you have enough of an advantage?
8-Bit: A true gamer knows you can never have enough of an advantage.. hey!
8-Bit's pants fall to the ground. His head snaps back as if he was smacked. This slight break in firepower is all it takes. Bonnie andf Jay immediately double dropkick the nerd to the ground. Then pick him up and launch him right into his own video game supercomputer destroying most of the consoles and likely 8-Bit.
Bonnie Blue: Alexa... we know you're here..
Jay Omega: Or this place is haunted by some video game geist we don't even know about.
Alex Richards dutifully appears Bonnie and Jay instantly laughing at Alex's pimp wardrobe.
Alex Richards: Archduke of Mack Confusion in the house. And yeah.. I panted him. He's too small for my ladies by the way. So I pimp slapped his bitch ass! And look who I brought back from the video game world.. bitches love the Archduke!
Alex gestures towards the front door and in pops.. Mario's own Princess Peach.
Alex Richards: Even pixellated bitches love the Archduke.
Jay Omega: I don't think pimps would have much use for her. She's probably not antomically correct.
The banter would have continued... except for the loud.. crash.. the loud bang.. and the entire maze suddenly collapsing upon itself then disappearing into wherever conquered video game sets go. From out of the dusty wreckage emerge.. Polar Phantasm and Frank Patrick Veneble.
FPV: I told you stinging Bob-oms together along a few walls was a great fucking idea.
Polar Phantasm: And I told you freezing them and then hitting them with a hammer was a great fucking idea too.
FPV: Joint credit... score!
Corey Black: Hey.. it was my fucking hammer that hit them! And it's still intact. The Banamoar... is fucking epic. I rest my case.
Polar Phantasm: Guess we have to give him credit too.
FPV: Or he'll probably hammer us.
Corey Black: Fucking A I will.
Bonnie Blue: Don't mean to rain on your parade.. but what happened to Nightmare and Jeff?
Nightmare also emerges from the wreckage her hair standing on end.
Nightmare: Don't you fucking say a word.
Polar Phantasm: Already.. spread out. We haven't got a man on a mission yet and we aren't starting today!
All of the sudden a throwing knife flies through the air hitting Princess Peach in the throat and popping her out of existence. Alex drops to his knees! As Jeff Purse lets out a cry of victory.
Jeff Purse: Who said I was gonna be rusty with those throwing knives? I still got it!
Alex Richards: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My video game hoe!
Bonnie Blue: You know she wasn't real, right Alex?
Alex Richards: I know.. I know. It's just that now two weeks in a row my date ended poorly.
FPV: No, it didn't. Look.
Frank points towards the box with a question mark inside of it.
FPV: She left you a present.
Alex headbutts the box and a coin pops up.. which he quickly puts inside of his doctor's bag.
Alex Richards: First rule of pimping.. always make sure your hoes get you paid!
Corey Black: Speaking of pay back. I believe I owe someone a burning hammer! Where the fuck is 8-Bit at?
Jay Omega: Laying in a heap in the wreckage of his own gaming empire.
Corey Black: Beautiful.
Corey walks towards the broken down machine and curses.
Corey Black: Fuck!
Polar Phantasm: What?
Corey Black: He's fucking gone.
Bonnie Blue: After all we went through.. he got away?
Jay Omega: Wasn't all bad.. I've kicked lots of ass playing video games... but I never got to kick ass in a video game before.
Nightmare: We'll be ready for him next time.
Polar Phantasm: Only one thing left to do. Go back to my house and finish up that party.
Nightmare: Wait! You wanting to party with your friend is what caused this whole mess in the first place! You know what that means.
Polar cringes knowing his wife is finally gonna get real mad at him.
Nightmare: If you guys are gonna party... I'm partying too!
Jay Omega: Woah.. woah.. we're partying too. You need to try this killer home island bud I just imported here anyways.
FPV: If it gets us fucked up enough to do the really stupid shit then I say fuck yeah!
Alex Richards: You guys haven't seen the best part of this pimp outfit. Check this out!
Alex spins his cane again then.. then presses a button on the side of it.. instantly the cane opens up... then opens up fire shooting the crap out of the already mostly fucked computers with the cane machine gun.
Alex Richards: That was already fucked though. I wanna fuck up something not broken.
He turns his gun upwards.. towards the lights.. which quickly plunges the crew into darkness.
Corey Black: Motherfucker! This is why I stopped hanging out with you Alex.
FPV: This is why I want to hang out with you more Alex.
Polar Phantasm: Yeah you right.. pimp cane gun.. fan fucking tasic.
Jeff Purse: You don't think this place has roaches do you?
Jay Omega: I have roaches. A different kind though.
Bonnie Blue: Did anyone bring a flashlight?
The scene fades to black.. okay the scene is already black.
TWO BITS, FOUR BITS, 8-BIT, DISASTER
Series conceived by the Polar Phantasm
Series directed by the Polar Phantasm
Episode Four: Cryogenix Rides Again
Episode written by Alex Richards
'The Guardians' created by Bonnie Blue, Jay Omega and the Polar Phantasm
[(c) United Championship Infinite 2016. Jeff Purse and Corey Black appear courtesy of us being huge marks. All rights reserved.]
Act 1- Just Another (Shoot) Night at the Sloshed Pit
The insurance settlement must have come in as it appears the sloshed pit has been repaired. And it's owner Alex Richards is in rare form. Drinking from a boot with his half brother, slash cameraman Shaun Zach.
Alex Richards: You know why I put a stage in here, right Zach?
SZR: You enjoy stage diving with or without a crowd.
Alex Richards: I prefer without a crowd. Getting drunk with a concussion is so much better than getting drunk without a concussion. But that's not it.
SZR: Because of the house band.
Alex Richards: Also a good guess. But Temporal Wonkiness isn't playing tonight. At least not yet. They have no set schedule so they could be here anytime. But the real reason is this.. if you're a professional wrestler.. you love to shoot. And where better to shoot then on a stage? Surrounded by drunk people. But people still far less drunk then I am!
SZR: Because no one is ever drunker than you.
Alex Richards: You always say such nice things bro.
SZR: That wasn't meant as a positive.
Alex ignores his brother.. as he is want to do. He advances towards the stage grabbing a fresh bottle of Zim-Quila to drink from on his way. The patrons of the bar loudly cheer. Because of course they do. Alex is the owner of their favorite bar, and one hell of a drinking buddy to boot. He gets on stage and grabs the mic.
Alex Richards: You know something. Every since I joined the UCI, I haven't had a winning fucking record. Never. Not once. Lost my first match, lost the second match, won the third, won the fourth. Lost the fifth. Won the sixth. Even is the best that I've done. I don't think so! I'm a guardian! Have you seen the guardians? Have you seen what we do? Are we average?
A few people shout out no.
Alex Richards: I can't hear you... and make that a fuck no!
The crowd shouts fuck no much louder this week.
Alex Richards: That's right! We aren't average! We aren't ordinary! We aren't just another wrestler on the roster. And you know what? I refuse to be! This week I face Chase Jackson.. and I will prove to the world that I'm not average.,.. I'm not normal.. I'm not like everybody else! As if there was ever a doubt!
Alex begins to pace working himself up.
Alex Richards: People say Chase is the future. Chase is gonna be a world champion someday. Chase is going to be a big star. Well guess that I'm fixing to do all of those things. Not at some day in the distance future that may never happen. I'm going to do it, right fucking now! I'm not a blue chip prospect. I feel I can beat anyone in the world at any time. So Chase is a prospect... Chase is a future champion? Well I'm a guy who is ready to be a champion.. right now! Last week I beat a man who received a chance at the world title in Andre Holmes. This week I'm facing Chase, another man who received a shot at the world title. So when I take him out.. I'm going to make a statement. And that statement is.. where's my title shot? I'm not a patient man. I don't like to wait in lines anywhere. Unfortunately most places you have to wait your turn. But not in wrestling. If you see someone ahead of you in line, like you Chase, you can smack them upside the head and take their place. Unless they can do something about it. Sorry Chase, from what I've seen from you you can't do anything about it. You've gotten all the glory in the UCI so far. But you haven't earned it. World title shot, Rising Stars title shot. Lost em both. You didn't earn em. And I'm gonna prove it by defeating you this week. And as for the world title...
Alex grins.
Alex Richards: I ain't greedy. I'm not saying I want that world title shot right now. I'm just saying I'm gonna keep beating people, everyone they put in front of me until the titles start coming. Like I said earlier, my record isn't the greatest. But that's about to change. I know this.. no one has pinned me, no one has submitted me, and besides the world champion and the number one title contender nobody else can say that. You can't Chance. And you won't be able to say you were the first to pin me either. I told Andre that. And I backed it up. I tell you the same and guess what? I'm backing it up again.
Alex shrugs.
Alex Richards: Nothing personal. But I don't think you're as good as most people do. I'm tired of shit getting handed to you on a silver platter. But I ain't bitter. Nah, that ain't me. The big man.. he doesn't complain. He just gets in the ring and makes his statement. I hope you provide as good a challenge as Andre Holmes did last week. That was one hell of a battle. But I don't think you will. The only thing you had going for you was the element of surprise. People didn't know how good you are. People underestimated you. Well I'm not underestimating you. You recieved a world title shot. So I'm treating you as the threat a world title challenger deserves. Of course if you're not really that good... it's gonna be a long night for you Chase. Bring your best Chase. But when this match is over.. we all know how it's gonna end.. with you laying flat on the mat.. and me standing over you.. hands raised.. screaming out... YOLO ADRIAN! I GOT IT! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Alex Richards: That was a damn good woo. And I'm going to make a damn good champion someday. But you're in my path Chase. Good luck in your career. But this week.. being in my path.. that's bad luck for you.
Act 2- The Pantheon err.. Guardians err.. Cyrogenix's Team Meeting
Narrator: (Alex Richards) The Guardians, or I guess in this case the Cryogenix team to be more accurate, are gathered back at their old stomping grounds for a team meeting. At the large table that once was Crygenix's war room. You don't know what the war room looks like? You clearly haven't been paying enough attention to the Guardians. Shame on you. Ain't nothing going on in the UCI better than the Guardians! We'll wait while you catch up. Okay.. no time for that. Catch up with us later. For those already in the know Polar Phantasm is at the head of the table as befitting the leader. To his left are Jeff Purse and Corey Black. To his right Frank Veneble and Nightmare. At the end... absolutely no one. The meeting begins.
Polar Phantasm: Alright, it's been awhile since we got together so I figure we should go over the motivation for this mission.
Corey Black: Oh, we're having a meeting? In that case let me get it on the record that Pantheon is way better than Crygenix... or the Guardians.
Jeff Purse: #Pantheon.
Jeff and Corey fist bump.
Polar Phantasm: You're kidding right?
Corey Black: Name one thing that makes The Guardians better!
Polar Phantasm: Space Dragon, time travel, methods of transportation that would make Evil Keivel jealous, superpowers, otherworldly visits. Need I continue?
Corey Black: You never coma kicked Jay Price.
FPV: Hey.. how did I miss that? I always wanted to coma kick someone!
Jeff Purse: We rest our case.
Nightmare: What case? You guys know we are here to rescue Bonnie and Jay, right?
Jeff Purse: I'm really just here so I can gloat about it to Jay. You remember that time I saved your ass? Cause I do! I can text that to him... exactly 311 times a day, exactly 311 times a year, for exactly 311 years. Offer void in the event of death.
Corey Black: I really just came here to see Little Corey.
FPV: Why would the Guardians have your kid?
Corey Black: Jay Omega's dinosaur! Named after me... small... hates powerbombs.
Nightmare: I swear if that thing pops out at me late at night in the dark.. it'll be the last thing it ever does..
FPV: Where is it and where can I let it loose?
Polar Phantasm: Apparently we could possibly have a dinosaur too so check and mate.
Nightmare: Would you get on with this?
Polar Phantasm: Gentlemen.. the seriousness of this can't be overstated. Two members of our team have been captured. That simply won't do. Because of this a good leader motivates their team. So whoever rescues Bonnie and Jay... gets first dibs at the celebratory joint.
Corey Black: I don't fucking smoke pot. And I'll be drinking a diet Coke in celebration of all the fools I got to kill, maim, whatever, regardless. What's in it for me?
Jeff Purse: Umm... first dibs is great for me. No offense guys but I don't know where you've been. All those germs.
Polar Phantasm: Alright, I'll bite. What do you want if you do the rescuing?
Corey Black: Rename the Guardians to Pantheon... for one week.
Polar Phantasm: Alright fine.
FPV: You guys brought the weapons right? Because I did!
Frankie reaches under the table and pulls out a large black box. Which he both carefully and gleefully places on the table. Nightmare looks inside.
Nightmare: Fuck no!
Corey looks over the table into the box.
Corey Black: Fuck no is right. Where the fuck is your head at?
Jeff glances inside.
Jeff Purse: Are you kidding me? Dynamite?
Frankie looks insulted.
FPV: Well yeah... how I am supposed to blow shit up without dynamite? Geez, no wonder you guys are the demolitions expert.
Polar Phantasm: Now I don't doubt you can cause a big boom.
FPV: Big boom is an understatement. Try not only is this gonna blow up *8 Bit's base, it's gonna rock Chimney Rock and it's hundreds of miles away!
Polar Phantasm: Not that I'm against blowing up 8 Bit's base.. but aren't we gonna be in there?
Frank thinks for a minute.. then sets his mp5 machine gun on the table.
FPV: Fine.. I can still use this right?
Polar Phantasm: Of course you can! It's important to be prepared because we don't know what this 8 Bit is bringing to the fight. That's why it's important to get to his hide out and hit him before he hits us again. Especially since Bonnie and Jay could be in trouble.
Corey Black: Real men don't use guns. I got something better.
Corey pulls out... a massive steel war hammer! This thing looks like it's straight out of the middle ages, heavy spikes protruding from the hammer head.
Corey Black: This guy 8-Bit, he's basically a video game nerd right? An internet troll? Well I've told everyone for years want to deal with a troll? Hit em with a fucking ban hammer! This is my ban hammer.. Banamoar!
Nightmare: So Norse for slayer?
Corey Black: Fucking A it is! And I'm gonna slay... fucking everyone!
Polar Phantasm: Anyone else got something to share?
Jeff Purse: Brought my throwing knives. For old times sake. Haven't thrown one of these in years...
FPV: It's like riding a bike.. that's been set on fire. Hmm... do we have five minutes?
Nightmare: We have to leave.. now.
Polar Phantasm: Yeah you right. But where's C-5? We need him for this mission. Eye-Seven do you have a location for Alex Richards.
Eye-Seven: Intiation.. Cryogenix.. enterance sequence.
Polar Phantasm: What are you..
Polar is unable to get another word out as "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" by the Propellerheads begins blaring over the speakers. The hangar door opens up and we hear a screaming voice try to be heard over the theme song of Cryogenix. I CAN'T STOP OP OP OP OP! Pink lasers and strobe lights annoy the united group except for Frankie and Polar who seem to be enjoying the show. As Alex Richards walks in dressed to the nines. He is wearing a tailored purple designer suit, a mink overcoat, alligator skin boots, a massively oversized pink fuzzy hat with a feather in it, is wearing a gold chain with a mini gold bottle of Zim-Quila being held by a beautiful golden lady on it, and for a finale is carrying a jewel encrusted pimp cane.
Alex Richards: Some of you suckas said I couldn't take the place of Steve Orbit! You even said I wasn't a flamboyant mouthpiece like Steve is. Well choke on your words motherfuckas!
Alex then begins twirling his jewel encrusted cane.
Alex Richards: I spent all afternoon perfecting that twirl and by god it was worth it! The Mass Pimp of Arch Confusion is here! Or the Archduke of Mack Confusion. Yeah that one sounds better! I'm repping Chicago because it's the real pimp nation fuck Oakland, Cyrogenix, the Guardians and..
Polar Phantasm: This is what you wasted the whole day doing?
Alex Richards: Umm.. yeah.
Polar Phantasm: Time well spent!
Alex Richards: Well let's go beat 8-Bit and his hoes like trick ass bitches who own us money you know what I'm saying?
Corey Black: Is he gonna talk like this all fucking day?
FPV: He better because it's awesome!
Nightmare: I swear.. I just started liking Bonnie and if she dies because the lot of you wasted time cracking jokes and.. I'll just hunt you down and.. You know I have the skill set to do so.
Polar Phantasm: Crystal.. relax. We're leaving. Okay here's the plan. Jeff and I are gonna drop in through the roof as the rest of you rush the door, break in through windows, whatever's your flavor. I figure we hit them from multiple fronts they won't be ready. Who I am kidding... they aren't ready for Cyrogenix! C'mon guys.. let's save the day... as per usual. Jeff, you're riding with me.
Polar and Jeff head off in the direction of the ARTIC, Corey looks at his old teammate Alex.
Alex Richards: Oh hell yeah! Hop in Corey! I got the 70s Funk popping, some sweet hoes popping and locking on the big screen for our enjoyment and you wouldn't believe the cheddar I made today from the club.
Corey Black: You're gonna talk like this all fucking day. I don't think so.
Corey without another word joins Nightmare in the DREEM machine leaving Alex and Frank looking at each other.
FPV: I could leave the dynamite behind..
Alex Richards: Really?
FPV: Or I could throw it at stop signs and blow them up.
Alex Richards: Dude... sweet! We'll get there twice as fast! But can we fire some down manholes too? I always wanted to see a rat exodus! Besides as the Archduke of Mack Confusion.. they all my bitches.. so dance bitches dance!
FPV: How could we not?
Alex and Frankie high five and follow the other two vehicles as Crygenix rides again... (sort of)
Act 3- Spoiler Alert Here To Save The Day
Polar Phantasm has a lead foot. On top of that his vehicle, The A.R.T.I.C. Has a definate speed edge on the DREEM and the Strange Rover. Especially considering the sheer volume of stuff the Rover is throwing out the window and watching smash on their way to 8-Bit's lair. Nightmare and Corey are probably bonding in anger over the fact Polar and Jeff are leaving them behind. The impressive vehcile breezes through the Nebraska landscape, passing over several cities, some rural areas before finally slowing in the industrial area where several large buildings come into view. The ARTIC stops in the middle of a five building row landing on the roof of the warehouse. Jeff and Polar emerge Jeff fiddling with a vast assortment of rope as he turns to Polar.
Jeff Purse: Okay, I know how we're getting down. We;re going to hook these grappling hooks to your ride and repeal down the rope. But how are we getting in?
Polar Phantasm: The most bad ass, distracting way possible of course. See this is why I'm the boss.
Polar casually returns to the ARTIC coming back with a bazooka in one hand and a massive, think Grim Reaper's Scythe, level ice pick in the other.
Jeff Purse: Holy fuck.
Polar Phantasm: Hold this.
Polar hands Jeff the ice pick.
Jeff Purse: Did you wash it?
Polar Phantasm: It's been in the freezer. That kills germs.
Jeff Purse: The freezer was turned on, correct?
Polar Phantasm: Why would you ask that? Of course!
Jeff Purse: I used to team with Alex Richards.. that's the kind of thing he would have done.
Polar Phantasm: Yeah.. you right.. now stand back... there's gonna be a big boom..
And with that Polar blasts the roof of the building with the bazooka instantly igniting an area of the roof as it saved in colapsing to the floor far below. Jeff expertly tosses and hooks his grappling hook around the feet of the ARTIC on the first try. Polar tries, fails, curses, then successes the second time before giving a smiling Jeff a don't you even look. The duo then repeal down the hole into the warehouse base that is 8-Bit's domain.. they plummet to the floor past a multitude of platforms seemingly suspended in air. They ignore them. Polar just before he landed kicked out knocking 8 Bit flying across the room. 8-Bit gets up sullenly.
8-Bit: How the fuck did you find me so fast? I wasn't ready..
Polar Phantasm: Easy. I got Eye-Seven to tell me where the place that was draining the most electricity on the grid was. Lead me straight here. Fuck throwing a grappling hook, this is why I'm the boss.
Jeff Purse: Get your hands out of your pocket!
8-Bit: What? It's suddenly cold in here.
Polar Phantasm: Sorry, that's probably me. Here's how this is gonna do down. You free Bonnie and Jay and we might not kick your ass. They might be pissed, so I can't speak for them.
Jeff Purse: This is too easy.
Polar Phantasm: We're the best. Sometimes it just is that easy.
8-Bit: You're fucking idiots! I got you now!
8-Bit who was fumbling around in his pocket for something pulls it out.. a fully powered super nintendo controller!
Jeff Purse: I don't think this guy is playing with a full deck.
Polar Phantasm: Yeah, you right. Now if you're not gonna give up Bonnie and Jay I'm gonna have to beat it out of you. You don't want to hold out until Corey gets here. The dude is pissed, dude is always pissed.
Jeff Purse: You can say that again.
8-Bit: No.. I don't think so.. how about I just.. pause this game?
8-Bit presses the button and suddenly Jeff and Polar are freeze framed.
8-Bit: Ha! It worked! I knew it! You guys walked right into my trap! You Guardians knocked me into a coma.. how does it feel to be frozen, Polar? But unlike me.. you aren't never gonna wake up from this! Just a second.. gonna make this epic.
8-Bit retreats to back to the back room, which has a wall of entirely bulletproof glass. He enters and returns dragging a sword, a mighty pixelated sword. A brightly glowing sword.
8-Bit: Polar.. prepare to die at the hands of the original... MASTER SWORD! Jeff Purse.. you have lousy taste in friends so you die too..
TRICK ASS HOE! TIME TO PAY THE MACK BITCHES!
Alex Richards flies through the window sending broken glass flying everywhere!
Alex Richards: Corey Black just threw me through a window allowing me to fly and now I see the saddest looking John in the world? Best day ever!
Corey follows shaking his head.
Corey Black: I'm fucking impressed I didn't injure myself hurling you through the window. Fuck it still would have been worth it.
The front door of the building proceeds to be made into swiss cheese in a hail of bullets. Then Nightmare kicks the remains in allowing her and Frank Patrick Veneble entry to the room.
8-Bit: Damnit! I knew I shouldn't have wasted so much time gloating! Ah well... if trapping two was good.. then trapping six is gonna be epic!
8-Bit presses another button and the all the floating beams start to come down sideways.. hundreds of these beams.. trapping the guardians within a massive wooden maze as 8-Bit retreats to his bucker looking at his master gaming system with obvious delight. He starts to jam in cartiages seemingly at random.
8-Bit: This is not random! I know exactly what I am doing! Just because you don't know the order of the games in my shelf doesn't mean I don't! Judgemental fuck.
Okay fine, 8-Bit quickly jams games in setting his master plan in motion. Finally as his last gesture he presses the power button on his 22' inch wake wood and fake silver patterned Ferguson television set. Haven't heard of a Ferguson? It was probably the only 80s model tv 8-Bit could find on short notice. 8-Bit chooses to watch the action on the television instead of the massive window for some reason.
8-Bit: This is gonna be great! I'm in such a good mood I'm even gonna unpause Jeff and Polar. Just make it that much sweeter when my bad guys get em!
8-Bit giggles.
8-Bit: I made all those Shinobis... I can't believe I didn't throw in some Bowsers!
Alright, here it comes.. the big, crazy, fight scene. But before you read it there's something you have to know. All of these individual scenes are happening at roughly the same time. In the interests of avoiding confusion they are all displayed independantly. Get it, got it? Good. Enjoy!
The Polar Phantasm smiles.. then his smile freezes, kind of like he just froze. He looks around, noticing the walls surrounding him, the narrow hallways..
Polar Phantasm: Son of a bitch! Where the hell am I.. What happened? Wait.. that controller... it actually worked?
The voice of 8-Bit is heard as if over a loudspeaker. He is really speaking into the headset microphone he is wearing.
8-Bit: This is my world Polar of course it worked! You arrogant fuck! Leader of the Guardians... you caused me to get electrocuted... let's see how you like it..
Polar Phantasm: That.. can't be good.
Polar branishes his super ice pick. Ready for any kind of action. Then sometime bumps into him.. shocking him causing him to jump back. Then look down in disgust.
Polar Phantasm: I'm the Polar fucking Phantom and you give me this shit..
Polar quickly spears a 8-bit, poorly animated electric eel causing it to disappaer in a quick burst of static.
Polar Phantasm: You gave me a stock villian? I think I'm insulted.
8-Bit: I didn't give you one... I gave you an army!
And indeed dozens upon dozens of the annoying eels start to pursue Polar who swings his ice pick like a golf club sending them flying asounder.
Polar Phantasm: When I find you 8-Bit I'm freezing one of these babies and sticking it down your pants to thaw!
8-Bit chuckles as Polar decides to amuse himself by clubbing one of the eels on the head to stun it then picks it up spinning it around by the tail and firing it into the other eels causing them to shock one of their own and generally frying the entire gang.
Polar Phantasm: It's official. Bad NES game characters don't know how electricity works. Now all I have to do is find my way out of this maze and get my hands on that video game dweeb.
Polar notice noticing the large pile of fried eels in front of him, decides to toss them over the wall out of his way. He begins firing them over.. until one comes back and hits him in the head.
Polar Phantasm: Hey!
Don't throw your trash over the wall at me, Cam!
Polar Phantasm: Crystal! Is that you?
Nightmare: No.. it's the other girl in here. What do you think?
Polar Phantasm: I have lame electric eels. What do you got?
Nightmare: Absolutely nothing.
Polar Phantasm: No baddies at all?
Nightmare: And I'm pissed off about it!
Polar Phantasm: 8-Bit seems like one hell of a lame villian.
8-Ball: Does any game blow all it's best bad guys in the first stage?
Nightmare: When I find my way out of here you won't get a second stage.
Polar Phantasm: I think this might be the way..
Polar turns the corner of the wooden maze and...
Polar Phantasm: Nope, dead end.
Nightmare: Oh, you have a great sense of direction.
Polar goes back and fires another eel over the wall at her.
Nightmare: I swear I'm gonna scale this wall and...
She doesn't get to finish the sentence as a red pixaled Excitebike scoops her up out of thin air. It's rider holding her off the ground as the bike pops a wheelie and takes off Nightmare screaming profanities as she disappears off deeper into the maze.
Polar Phantasm: Crystal? Crystal? Crystal!!!!!!!!!!!
8-Bit: The Great Polar Phantasm want a real challenge? This one is gonna barrel you over!
And with that.. coming straight through the dead end like a true illogical video game comes the massive Atari version of Donkey Kong.. Who is tossing barrels at a jerky, helter skelter pace. Our hero easily dodges and leaps over the barrels.
Polar Phantasm: C'mon.. big guy.. get a little closer.
Polar raises his ice pick for a perhaps fatal strike. Leaping over a barrel.. and never seeing the next wave of eels coming. They sting Polar in the legs, distracting him just enough to get leveled by Kong's flying barrel. The eels swarm Phantasm shocking away as Donkey wades in slowly giant barrel in hand ready to smash.....
A fucking maze? With fucking wood? What kind of little bitch hides behind a fucking maze?
The angry voice of Corey Black is heard as the man himself beats angrily on the walls of the wooden maze with his war hammer.
Corey Black: Where the fuck you at, 8-Ball? You little bitch! You want to get ban hammered? I'll fucking ban hammer you!
8-Ball: The language!
Corey Black: Are you fucking offended?
8-Ball: I fucking love it! So much anger.. you remind me of me. And I know would me wouldn't like...
Corey Black: I'm fucking like you? I don't fucking think so! When I get my hands on you... I'll show you why Creeping Death is the ultimate bad ass and you're some video game geek who trolls people in a maze.
A hail of bullets interrupt Corey's thought as animated gangsters with Tommy Guns shoot at Corey.
Corey Black: I fucking hate guns! People who need guns are pussies and clearly you Dick Tracy bad guy rejects look like pussies!
8-Ball: Dick Tracy! You're right! Now who's the video game geek?
Corey Black: It was a fucking lucky guess! Oh fuck these guys!
Corey rushes the gangster blasting several with his hammer, even causing a little pixelated blood to flow. He slams another against the wall before decapitating it with the hammer.
Corey Black: See, this is why a fucking Viking War Hammer is better than a gun!
Two more approach from behind And Corey hurls the hammer dropping the first one and causing him to disappear with a solid flying hammer to the temple. He grabs the second one, pulls his gun away from him breaking it over his knee before lifting the vaguely Flattop looking dude up in the air and destroying him with the burning hammer before picking up his hammer and slamming it definately into the ground.
Corey Black: I rest my fucking case.
8-Ball: You don't like guns? Well how about this..
A pink character floats towards Mr. Black.
Corey Black: Fucking Kirby? You sicced fucking Kirby on me? What the fuck is Kirby going to do to me?
Corey doesn't get another words out however as the pink character sucks wind... and sucks up Corey Black inside of itself.
Frank Patrick Veneble looks around clearly excited, running around the maze at what appears to be top speed.
FPV: Are you kidding? I fucking love mazes! This is gonna be too easy! Normally I would get slowed down what with placing bombs in a few select dead ends because a dead end isn't a dead end unless something can really die. Then again these are my friends. Probably a good thing I don't have any bombs. But hell I still have..
Frank fires off a round from his MP5 machine gun into the air.
8-Bit: Hey! Hey.. someone is gonna have to clean that shit up! And it's gonna be my mom.
FPV: You still live with your mom?
8-Bit: Oh... that's it! You asked for it... I was saving these guys for someone special... you're it!
And with that... an army of black clad ninjas.. shinobis if you will surround Frank.
FPV: Ninja on Frank violence? This is a real problem in the streets. For the ninjas! This doesn't seem like a fair fight though. Let's go to multi Frank mode!
And with that Frank Veneble splits.. into at least fifty different Franky's! The ninjas toss stars but they are little to no match for Frank's ultimate weapon... the superkick!
A Frank superkicks a ninja
FPV: Boom kill shot!
Another Frank superkicks a ninja
FPV: Atomic Headshot!
Four Franks at once superkick a ninja.. apparently the Franks are now outnumbering the ninjas
FPV: - Quadruple Decapitation!!!
Four more Franks superkick a ninja
FPV: You done fucked ip!
Another Four Franks get their superkick on!
FPV: Your Head Asplode
I'll bet you know what happened next..
FPV: Heartbreak Kid's Revenge!
This sort of writes itself don't it?
FPV: MelonBlaster!!!
Four Franks don't superkick a ninja.. yeah right
FPV: Ultimo-Brain Damage!!!
We have more Franks you do the math
FPV: Hiroshimas Revenge!!!
These guys must be the Brooklyn Brawlers of the Ninja world
FPV: the Four Foot Salute
And finally the grand finale..
FPV: A Guy Getting Fucking Kicked In The Fucking Head By Four to Five Other Guys!!!
Frank looks on as other Franks continue to superkick the crap out of Shinobis.
FPV: I'll have you know each and every one of those are officials titles for that move! I had them trademarked myself.
8-Bit: What are you doing? I used to like that game! Shinobis... why can't you fucking dodge!
Another army of ninjas approach Frank.
FPV: More?
8-Bit: I used my game genie to infinately respawn them!
Frank shrugs.
FPV: I got infinate superkicks too. What up!
Frank continues superkicking, however one of the Franks notices something... floating cherries.
FPV: Hmm.. yeah this could work..
Frank begins tying the cherries together as the fight continues. Eventually he weaves at least 10 of the floating cherries together before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a fuse.
FPV: They said no dynamite. They didn't say I couldn't make a bomb out of what I found in here. I am the demolitions expert.. let's see how this works out..
Frank lits the fuse.. and a large pixelated explosion sends him... the ninjas, and a massive section of wooden walls hurling through the air.
Jeff Purse looks around confused.
Jeff Purse: We were just going to nerd smash that dude and now where are we? I don't trust all this wood. It's pretty never been cleaned.
8-Bit: It's not real wood! It's all part of the game.
Jeff Purse: Is the game cleaned though?
8-Bit: Only a noob doesn't clean their games. If you don't clean them they get dusty. Then they suck even more because they freeze up and glitch out! Do you really think I would play a video game at less then peak condition?
Jeff Purse: That's a relief. Hey where are you? I need to win this bet in order to get first hit of the joint and..
8-Bit: You really think I'm that stupid?
Jeff seems about to respond when God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You starts to play from his cell phone. We actually hear laughter in the background, but we aren't really sure from who. One of the guardians?
8-Bit: No... it's me!
Jeff ignores him and answers the phone.
Jeff Purse: Hi.. Kari. Yeah.. I'm not too busy. I can talk.
8-Bit: Really? You're in a battle with a super villian here!
Jeff Purse: It's my wife.
8-Bit: Alright fine. I'll wait.
Jeff talks on the phone as 8-Bit impatiently looks elsewhere.
Alex Richards looks sharp in his pimp outfit.. but he looks completely crestfallen.
Alex Richards: A maze? Really? A maze? Fuck, I thought I had a good chance at winning the first hit of the doobie and rescueing Bonnie and Jay. But a maze? That just ain't my strong suit. I like going through stuff not figuring my way around it.
8-Bit: No kidding!
Alex Richards: Shut up before I smash you.. Wait.. wait.. that's what the archduke of Mass Confusion might say. I'm the Archduke of Mack Confusion. Time to use those mad, macking, pimping people skills to use. I'll give you a sweet ass hoe if you give yourself up.
8-Bit: As if you don't have any women with you!
Alex Richards: I'll teach you how to twirl a cane like this.
Alex demostrates his sweet pimp cane twirling skills again.
8-Bit: I could learn that on the internet!
Alex Richards: You know.. I was champion of the internet.
8-Bit: Bullshit! You aren't king of the internet! You aren't even prince! I didn't know you know but I know you must be punished now!
Alex Richards: Jayson Price was king of the internet. I was God of the internet. Fuck, get your story straight man. You're all confused. Wicked! Mission accomplished.
8-Bit: What mission? Being a fucktard! Talking with you hurts my head. Have some goombas!
The little frowny looking mushroom looking little enemies invade Alex's space as he looks at them with a grin.
Alex Richards: I always wondered. What exactly would these guys do if they ever got to you? Let me see..
Alex allows a goomba and come right up against him..
Alex Richards: The hell it bit me! These fuckers bit! Ah well.. I played this game before.
Alex leaps up and stomps the goomba.. then stomps another gomba.. then another!
Alex Richards: This is too easy. Although I am enjoying the fact this kind of feels like a mosh pit!
8-Bit: Alright fine fucker. How do you like the koopa troopa, smart guy?
And indeed the mario brother's turtle looking creatures appear on the scene which Alex waits for... and stomps the turtle on the skull then boots it towards the koopa troopas knocking out the whole group.
Alex Richards: You know.. this was the only video game I was ever any good at.
8-Bit Oh.. you lucky..
Alex Richards: Hmm... they are turtles right... let's see..
Alex waits for a koopa troopa to get close.. then pulls it from it's shell and eats it.
Alex Richards: Taste just like chicken.
8-Bit: It's made from a video game! It tastes like nothing!
Alex Richards: And it doesn't really fill you up either. What the...
A riderless Excitebike flies in Alex's direction. But he saw it coming and stops it with a swift movement of his hand holding it in place.
Alex Richards: Hmm.. that gives me an idea..
Alex places the bike against a wall as he begins to stomp a mudhole in a large army of koopa troopas leaving a large amount of empty shells.
8-Bit: I'll deal with you later! I want to see the end of Polar!
Polar Phantasm.. being shocked by the electric eels doesn't look like he can move out of the way of the incoming barrel shot from DK.
Polar Phantasm: I can't believe I'm gonna be done in by 8-|Bit.. Von Leibert sure.. but 8-Bit?
8-Bit: Press the reset button
A burst of taunting laughter is heard.
8-Bit: There is no reset button!
Boom! The walls surrounding Polar burst into a glorious pixelled explosion knocking out the electric eels and seemingly stunning Donkey Kong who looks around, pivoting because old atari characters don't turn their heads obviously. This allows the Phantasm to turn his polar powers on the ground icing it over. He gets back to his feet and crackles his knuckles.
Polar Phantasm: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Come and get me you damn dirty ape.
Donkey Kong steps towards Polar.. but his game has no ice so he isn't used it it and slips and falls flat on his ass allowing Polar to soccer kick the barrel several times into Donkey's face.. finally vanquishing him.
8-Bit: What the fuck was that explosion? How the fuck did you get so fucking lucky! There must be something wrong with my game! Who's fucking with my game
8-Bit gets up from his power chair he was watching the action from in order to check his system as the culprit emerges.
FPV: That's right.. I made a cherry bomb.. from fucking cherries! Who's the man?
Polar gives his long time friend a high five.
FPV: And you said you didn't want any bombs.
Polar Phantasm: I did? What the fuck was I thinking? Think we can build more? I have a plan.
FPV: I heard you get stupid when you use your ice powers... and I love it! Let's go with it... Ohh... You see those...
Frank points in the direction of the bob-ombs coming toward them in their little feet. Polar just grins like a kid at Christmas time.
Polar Phantasm: 8-Bit isn't going to see this coming..
Meanwhile Jeff Purse is leaning against a wall still on his cell phone.
Jeff Purse: She said what? Don't worry Kari, I'm sure she's just jealous. Oh no problem I can certainly bring home some eggs on my way home. No trouble at all.
Let's go somewhere more exciting shall we? And what's more exciting then.. Kirby spitting out Corey Black in a heap! The leader of the final version of Pantheon stumbles to his feet only to be grabbed by Kirby... who steals his move hitting Corey with his own burning hammer! Corey instantly goes from stunned and hurt to furious.
Corey Black: What the serious fuck! You can't fucking steal my burning hammer!
8-Bit: He's Kirby stupid! That's what he does! He sucks you up and he steals your move. God, don't you know anything.
Corey Black: I know I'm going to make you eat that fucking Kirby game when I get a hold of you. And as for you.. pink little shit... I dare you to fucking try that again!
Kirby almost has a glint in his eye.. he doesn't but you would imagine he does as Kirby sucks up Cory Black once again!
8-Bit: When you're finished playing with Black Kirby they are plenty more Guardians to dispatch!
Kirby doesn't spit out Corey however. Instead a War Hammer drivers through Kirby's mouth.. then through Kirby's stomach.
8-Bit: This isn't possible!
Corey Black emerges from Kirby war hammer in hand finally chopping Kirbys head off.
Corey Black: Nobody fucking steals my fucking burning hammer! 8-Bit... you're next! I'm gonna Banamoar your ass!
Corey shakes the war hammer intently then walks forward into a dead end and starts to chop his way through with the war hammer obviously intend on finding 8-Bit..
8-Bit: Whatever... I'm not scared... if he gets to me he'll get a nasty surprise!
8-Bit clearly is worried though because he starts to armour up... grabbing himself a power glove and then a gun.. the original NES gun of course.
In the meantime Nightmare is having a nightmare of a time being dragged about by the not very detailed rider on the red excitebike who crashes headlong into a wall. The bike disappearing but Nightmare landing in a bruised and battered heap.
Nightmare: This that the best you got. C'mon 8-Bit.. I thought you were a bad guy! My son has caused me more pain then that!
Sadly Nightmare doesn't look up until it's too late. But I mean who would expect the excitebike to respawn on top of the walls. The excitebike comes crashing down knocking Mrs. Bankston flying again.
Nightmare: What the hell? Did you just die?
8-Bit: What kind of a cheap game do you think this is? Excitebike didn't have just one life. Only you do! Ha ha ha! And by the time it's through with you... that life will be... game over!
The excitebiker picks up Nightmare again who tries to throw punches but gets hurled into a dead end instead. Nightmare slowly gets up.. seemingly rocked as the excitebike does a circle and a hoop appears out of nowhere. The bike pops a wheelie through the hoop but Nightmare slides out of the way causing the bike to crash and burn against the wall.
Nightmare: Had to show off didn't you?
8-Bit: What's a video game without flash? Most of the games I played! My games are much.. much better! I will not only vanquish the Guardians.. but do it with style!
Nightmare: Whatever. Bring it if you can.
The Excitebike respawns again.. and takes a direct path towards Crystal.. who leaps far over the bike.
8-Bit: What? That's not fair! You didn't eat a leaf or anything!
The bike sprints towards Nightmare again.. but this time she is ready stepping to the side and clotheslining the rider right off of the bike! The bike keeps going... far.. far.. off in the distance to parts unknown.. well parts unknown if you weren't paying attention that is. Meanwhile Nightmare curb stomps the rider.. then pick him up over her shoulder and launches him into the wall one last time causing him to disappear!
8-Bit: You can't fucking do that! You Guardians are breaking all the rules! This isn't fucking fair!
8-Bit throws the microphone in frustration. Then kicks over his television set shattering it. Which was probably a bad idea. Because it meant he couldn't see what Alex Richards was doing anymore. And this would turn out to be important.
Alex Richards continued holding the still trying to move excitebike in one hand.. while piling up koopa troopa shells with the other hand.
Alex Richards: Jeff Purse is gonna be so jealous of me when he hears I got to ride an excitebike! BMX ain't got nothing on the excitebike! Plus.. bitches love that shit. I should know.. I'm the archduke of mack confusion. I tell bitches what they like. And then they like it. Sometimes I tell them to like confusing stuff.
Alex surveys the pile of turtle shells then nods.
Alex Richards: Good enough for the women I fuck.
Alex gets on the excitebike and starts driving backwards as far as he can before reaching a dead end.. then picks up speed.. as much speed as possible.
Alex Richards: This is sweet.. the controls on this are just the A and B button. With all the shots I've done over the years no one can bash buttons faster then the Mack Daddy..
And indeed Alex picks up an astounding amount of speed.. he springboards off the turtle shells and over the wall.. and over a second wall.. and a third..
Alex Richards: I love it when a plan comes together. And this plan was pretty far fetched and half assed. I don't know how it worked..
The excitebike crashes into the top of the fourth wall. But being a guardian Alex breaks the fourth wall and continues his flight right into the bulletproof glass window! Alex groans and drags himself to his feet this time using his pimp cane as an actual cane.. because he's broken. He gets up and pounds on the glass in frustration.
Alex Richards: So... fucking close.
Alex sits down then turns his head to the left noticing.. a door.
Alex Richards: No way it's this easy.
Alex tries the door... it opens.
Alex Richards: Really? Didn't lock the door. C'mon.. even I lock the Strange Rover. You never know who might get in.. and steal your booze. Or in this case...
Alex notices the massive multiplatform super gaming system. He whistles.. then notices... the power button.
Alex Richards: It can't be this easy, right?
DON'T YOU FUCKING EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!
Alex presses the power button.. and instantly collapses.
8-Bit: You idiot! You thought that was the power button for the system didn't you? Didn't you? NO... it was YOUR power button! Look at you... all drained of life. You know the best part.. when it finishes shutting you off it moves to the next game.. who's gonna get it first? Bonnie or Jay? Jay or Bonnie? Bonnie or Jay? Oh... I can do this all day!
And he probably would have gloated all day except that at this point Nightmare found her way out of the maze. Sort of. She looks around.. seeing.. the front door.
Nightmare: Son of a bitch! I'm back at the fucking start of this! Goddamnit!
Crystal is beside herself pounding her hands in frustration against the walls.. right next to a fuse box.
Nightmare: Wait.. just a minute.
Nightmare smiles, a plan having come to light. She reaches towards the fuse box.. but it's too far off the ground for her to reach.
Nightmare: That... isn't going to stop me.
She looks around spotting a broom by the front door. She picks it up removing the broom head and viciously jams the stick into the fuse box knocking her to the ground and temporarily out. Nightmare never saw what her efforts did.. as all the lights in the control room went out.
8-Bit: Fuck! No.. back up generator!
8-Bit gives several pulls on the back up generator.. it roars to life and he laughs in glee.
What are you laughing about....
He slowly turns around seeing a freshly released Bonnie Blue and Jay Omega behind him.
8-Bit: I think I have to be going..
Bonnie Blue: I don't think so. I reckon Jay and I earned a little payback.
Jay Omega: We don't have any weapons. So we're gonna have to do this the old fashioned way.
Jay and Bonnie advance on 8-Bit fists clenched. Jay connects with a mauy thai kick followed up with a Bonnie diving elbow drop. They wait on 8-bit to get up. Since he isn't a wrestler this takes a minute. When he does he first coughs then laughs
8-Bit: No weapons? That's a shame! I brought plenty!
Bonnie and Jay advance again.. only this time both are knocked back with shots from the power glove
8-Bit: I love the power glove! It's so bad! But wait.. there's more!
8-Bit lifts up his digital zapper nintendo gun and starts to blast away on the Guardians members who duck and dodge as blasts from the gun take out the bulletproof glass!
8-Bit: If someone hadn't taken out my power there would be a digital dog to fetch my prey. That would be real fucking helpful right now!
Jay Omega: We can't hear your stupid bullets coming! Don't you have enough of an advantage?
8-Bit: A true gamer knows you can never have enough of an advantage.. hey!
8-Bit's pants fall to the ground. His head snaps back as if he was smacked. This slight break in firepower is all it takes. Bonnie andf Jay immediately double dropkick the nerd to the ground. Then pick him up and launch him right into his own video game supercomputer destroying most of the consoles and likely 8-Bit.
Bonnie Blue: Alexa... we know you're here..
Jay Omega: Or this place is haunted by some video game geist we don't even know about.
Alex Richards dutifully appears Bonnie and Jay instantly laughing at Alex's pimp wardrobe.
Alex Richards: Archduke of Mack Confusion in the house. And yeah.. I panted him. He's too small for my ladies by the way. So I pimp slapped his bitch ass! And look who I brought back from the video game world.. bitches love the Archduke!
Alex gestures towards the front door and in pops.. Mario's own Princess Peach.
Alex Richards: Even pixellated bitches love the Archduke.
Jay Omega: I don't think pimps would have much use for her. She's probably not antomically correct.
The banter would have continued... except for the loud.. crash.. the loud bang.. and the entire maze suddenly collapsing upon itself then disappearing into wherever conquered video game sets go. From out of the dusty wreckage emerge.. Polar Phantasm and Frank Patrick Veneble.
FPV: I told you stinging Bob-oms together along a few walls was a great fucking idea.
Polar Phantasm: And I told you freezing them and then hitting them with a hammer was a great fucking idea too.
FPV: Joint credit... score!
Corey Black: Hey.. it was my fucking hammer that hit them! And it's still intact. The Banamoar... is fucking epic. I rest my case.
Polar Phantasm: Guess we have to give him credit too.
FPV: Or he'll probably hammer us.
Corey Black: Fucking A I will.
Bonnie Blue: Don't mean to rain on your parade.. but what happened to Nightmare and Jeff?
Nightmare also emerges from the wreckage her hair standing on end.
Nightmare: Don't you fucking say a word.
Polar Phantasm: Already.. spread out. We haven't got a man on a mission yet and we aren't starting today!
All of the sudden a throwing knife flies through the air hitting Princess Peach in the throat and popping her out of existence. Alex drops to his knees! As Jeff Purse lets out a cry of victory.
Jeff Purse: Who said I was gonna be rusty with those throwing knives? I still got it!
Alex Richards: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My video game hoe!
Bonnie Blue: You know she wasn't real, right Alex?
Alex Richards: I know.. I know. It's just that now two weeks in a row my date ended poorly.
FPV: No, it didn't. Look.
Frank points towards the box with a question mark inside of it.
FPV: She left you a present.
Alex headbutts the box and a coin pops up.. which he quickly puts inside of his doctor's bag.
Alex Richards: First rule of pimping.. always make sure your hoes get you paid!
Corey Black: Speaking of pay back. I believe I owe someone a burning hammer! Where the fuck is 8-Bit at?
Jay Omega: Laying in a heap in the wreckage of his own gaming empire.
Corey Black: Beautiful.
Corey walks towards the broken down machine and curses.
Corey Black: Fuck!
Polar Phantasm: What?
Corey Black: He's fucking gone.
Bonnie Blue: After all we went through.. he got away?
Jay Omega: Wasn't all bad.. I've kicked lots of ass playing video games... but I never got to kick ass in a video game before.
Nightmare: We'll be ready for him next time.
Polar Phantasm: Only one thing left to do. Go back to my house and finish up that party.
Nightmare: Wait! You wanting to party with your friend is what caused this whole mess in the first place! You know what that means.
Polar cringes knowing his wife is finally gonna get real mad at him.
Nightmare: If you guys are gonna party... I'm partying too!
Jay Omega: Woah.. woah.. we're partying too. You need to try this killer home island bud I just imported here anyways.
FPV: If it gets us fucked up enough to do the really stupid shit then I say fuck yeah!
Alex Richards: You guys haven't seen the best part of this pimp outfit. Check this out!
Alex spins his cane again then.. then presses a button on the side of it.. instantly the cane opens up... then opens up fire shooting the crap out of the already mostly fucked computers with the cane machine gun.
Alex Richards: That was already fucked though. I wanna fuck up something not broken.
He turns his gun upwards.. towards the lights.. which quickly plunges the crew into darkness.
Corey Black: Motherfucker! This is why I stopped hanging out with you Alex.
FPV: This is why I want to hang out with you more Alex.
Polar Phantasm: Yeah you right.. pimp cane gun.. fan fucking tasic.
Jeff Purse: You don't think this place has roaches do you?
Jay Omega: I have roaches. A different kind though.
Bonnie Blue: Did anyone bring a flashlight?
The scene fades to black.. okay the scene is already black.
TWO BITS, FOUR BITS, 8-BIT, DISASTER
Series conceived by the Polar Phantasm
Series directed by the Polar Phantasm
Episode Four: Cryogenix Rides Again
Episode written by Alex Richards
'The Guardians' created by Bonnie Blue, Jay Omega and the Polar Phantasm
[(c) United Championship Infinite 2016. Jeff Purse and Corey Black appear courtesy of us being huge marks. All rights reserved.]