Feedback/Critique Request Thread

I suppose I'll get this ball rolling.

Wrestler Name: Kyle Cameron

Roleplay Title: The Cameron in the Rye

Link: Here

Alright, Guinea Pig, let's do this!

Summary:
Kyle Cameron contemplates the death of his father due to cancer, his place in his "pre-UCI" world, and the decision to pursue a wrestling career.

Narrative Perspective:
First Person.

I like first person and thinks it has many advantages over tradition third person or "stage style" RPs.  However, these benefits derive from the audience being allowed an intimate look into the thoughts of the character.  In this case, you dropped the ball on really giving any of us a peak at the mental workings of Kyle Cameron during some incredibly tense moments.  This is the epitome of literary blue balls.

Let's take the interview with FPV; Franky was perpetually needling and picking at Kyle, provoking him to a state of anger.  We read this in Kyle's answers, but we never got a sense of anything beyond Kyle's word.  What about Frank's questions needled him?  How was Frank's tone of voice?  How did the anger feel?  Anger, of course, is more than yelling and swearing – it has a series of physiological reactions as well.  I get none of that.  I don't even get Kyle getting mentally annoyed as it goes on before snapping.  If you choose to stick with the first person narrative (which I always recommend), I strongly encourage you to consider this.  Otherwise, the choice of first person is entirely superfluous.

You do, however, demonstrate this masterfully at one point, so I know you're capable:
In these three sentences, you've given me more insight into the relationship between Kyle and Sarah (sup with all these Sarahs, guys?  I'm sending cease and desists soon) than their entire conversation.

Grammar:
Punctuation needs work; you often use periods when you should be using commas, em dashes, or other punctuation for asides.  Consider the following sentences:
Compare:
This is all anal retentive grammarian shit, but I always feel the need to point out mistakes of punctuation - they set the flow and rhythm for how a piece is read. Probably not detrimental to judging, but as a reader, I always encourage a bit more care/consideration.

Character Development:
Kyle sees his father die of cancer in a flashback.  In the present, he has chosen to drop out of school to pursue UCI as a full time career.  This is an interesting take on the story of Kyle Cameron, who has been largely portrayed as a sniveling little shit head.  To instead make him a confused boy struggling to cope with the death of his father, who he deeply looked up to, and sort of costuming himself in this arrogant douche bag act out of this sort of inferiority complex is a fresh take.  Kyle Cameron is an anti-villain for sure, and you've set up the pieces for an eventual face turn, should you chose.

On the other hand, I always feel the need to tell people writing heels to mind blurring the line.  It's a good thing to add humanity to your character, but if you go to far, you end up with an identity crisis: a character who seems like a face in his RPs but acts like a heel in the ring.  This can be great when done well, but if not it can feel like you're trying to force your audience to "like" your character.  Sometimes you can't have your cake and eat it to; what you may intend as pity may end up looking pitiful.  You avoid this; Cameron has a good, nasty exchange with the school administrator which makes him come across as just enough of a shit head to remind us he's a bad guy.  Just keep it in mind for the future.

Shoot:
You have an amazing knack for shoot, Frank.  The way you chose to come at Crow was thought provoking and different, setting up an emotional drive behind why Kyle wants to face Crow and attacking the almost "privilege" of his McMorris heritage.  On the other hand, you didn't go nearly hard enough.  I've seen you put people through an absolute shredder.  Fuck, you've put me through an absolute shredder.  This shoot had an incredible idea behind it and did nothing with it; it was absolutely anemic and undeveloped.  It feels like you just miscarried what could have been a beautiful baby.

Closing Thoughts:
When I read this RP, Kyle's confession that he doesn't think he can beat Crow doesn't so much as feel like a confession of the character so much as a confession of the writer.  You've assembled the elements for a winning RP, but it feels like you gave up rather than flush them out or really commit to the direction of the character.  You are an incredibly talented writer who can easily be one of the biggest threats in this federation if you invest a little more and really give us some meat to chew on.  Right now, this is a skeleton – an incredibly promising skeleton, but still just bare bones.

Rating:
*** out of *****

Summary:
Michael attempts to contact someone from his world in this world to less than stellar results.  In his world, he sets out for Chicago.

Narrative Perspective/Style:
Third person, novel style.

Grammar/Writing Style:
Can use a little work, but it's not horrid.  Like Frank, you fuck up comma placement occasionally.  The bigger problem with your writing is how you structure and arrange sentences; you write like you talk, but that's not necessarily how one should write.  For instance:
Compare:
What I've done with the above revision is simply break up some sentences and combine others.  Notice how much better it flows and how similar ideas are group together.  In the above passage, for instance, the lack of fires atop the buildings and usual city sounds don't necessarily work together as well as combining the two negative qualities lack of fires and lack of general war torn city) work together.

I also think you should stop referring to Michael's world as "post-apocalyptic world"; give it a proper name!

Character Development:
This RP was mostly two lines of CD ended in a shoot.

The first half dealt with Michael attempting to meet his wife, Jessie, in the real world.  The banter between Michael and David was fantastic, especially the moments when Michael's lack of connection/understanding of the real world shows through, like his diversion behind the building for the davit carriages.  Bits like this really paint a more complete picture of the character.  I also really like that you displayed emotion throughout Michael's meet with Real World Jessie and Marcus.  You could've maybe gone a little further, but I'm not too mindful.

In the Post-Apocalyptic World (PAW for the rest of this review), Michael takes his family out to dinner before deciding he is leaving for Chicago.  The emotional center point of this entire RP has been Michael's wife, Jessie, and this is no different.  Michael has chosen to go to Chicago in the PAW to look for any traces of UCI, and he will be having to leave his wife even in the world where he has her.  The conversation between them illustrates the connection the two share, and you really want to see things work for them.  That's good writing; I should actively like the family of your character.  On the way to the resort, Jeong's conversation and gift of the comic was another one of those little moments which added detail to your world.

The biggest problem you have is dialogue; it doesn't always feel real.  Many times, your characters say way more than necessary or reveal details which I question their willingness to.  A great example is the encounter between Michael and Real World Jessie; why would she just tell him her husband disappeared?

Here's what you wrote:
This is about how I'd revise it:
Say the conversation aloud; which feels more real?  

Shoot:
You took a good angle at Omega, grabbing the meaning of his wrestling name and turning it into an insult to beat him with.  I have no comments.

Closing Thoughts:
This feels like setting up for the beginning of some bigger stories, which is fine.  The CD wasn't really relevant to the match, and that hurt your rating below.  Instead, this felt like a story with a shoot tacked on so it would have a shoot.  There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but outside the discussion of Michael's UCI career with PAW Jessie, nothing really suggested that Michael's career as a wrestler or life have any bearing on one another - I need to see that connection occasionally established.  It's perfectly fine to be a banker who wrestles, but if your RP is just about a day at the bank, you didn't write a wrestling promo - you wrote a banking promo (Shout out to the Incredible Minx).  How does Michael living in this other world affect him going into the match?  How does this encounter with Jessie weigh on his mind?  If you can tie it not just into the match but into the opponent, you've hit the jack pot.

I'm also a tad confused on how the switches between the Real World and PAW work.  When Michael falls asleep in one world, does he wake up in the other?  If so, it feels a little silly to have a cliff hanger to end a scene like you did in the PAW; I already know nothing too crazy went down as he woke up the next day in the Real World.

You're a great storyteller, which puts you ahead of 75% of RPers as it is.  What you just need is a little polish.  I've seen you do it on other characters; I'm sure you'll be fine.

Rating:
**** out of *****

Gimme dat sweet sweet critique all over my face

Wrestler name: Jericho Salazar

Rp: day 1 of work

Link: uciwrestling.freeforums.net/thread/617/day-1-work

Yo dis a couple weeks late but could you beat the shit outta me over this homie?

Wrestler Name: Erin Fausse

Roleplay Title: WHAT THE FUCK RIGHT NOW

Link: uciwrestling.freeforums.net/thread/541/right

Wrestler name: Wentworth Updegraff Jr.

RP title: Origins of a Villainous Nature: Issue 1

Link:Origins of a Villainous Nature: Issue 1

David Sanchez

Society & Other Lies We Tell Our Kids


uciwrestling.freeforums.net/thread/654/society-lies-tell-kids?page=1&scrollTo=4815

Gimme some of that sweet, sweet Howie critique.