Prelude To Love.. Whatever That Is
Jul 3, 2016 10:15:55 GMT -6
Spencer Adams and The Polar Phantasm like this
Post by Alex Richards on Jul 3, 2016 10:15:55 GMT -6
Scene 1: The Great Things We Find On Craigslist.
When the moon hits your eyes like a big pizza pie that's amora! When your ass hits the ground and you're farting around that's amora!
The gravelly off key voice of Alex Richards breaks the silence. Although everyone probably wishes it wasn't including Shaun Zach Richards, Alex's half brother, personal cameraman, babysitter, he wears many hats.
SZR: I think your singing just killed a hound.
Alex Richards: Now that can't be true Zach. My voice is low. Dogs supposedly can hear things higher than humans. So my singing couldn't have killed a dog.
SZR: It committed suicide. Why are you singing a song you don't even know the words to.
Alex Richards: (still singing) Because I'm in the mood for love! And I have one hell of a hot date tonight! The fact the Guardians have a week off... totally paying off for me.. in sex dollars.
Shaun grins.
SZR: Good for you bro. Where did you meet this lady exactly?
Alex Richards: Placed an ad on Craigslist..
SZR: Oh no! Not again! Didn't you learn from last time?
Alex Richards: What are you talking about? It worked out great last time!
SZR: Really? You're going with.. it went great last time? When you sold the Strange Rover on Craigslist?
Alex Richards: That's what I was talking about..
SZR: You losing the Strange Rover was good because...
Alex Richards: Let me help you see things my way Zach. Yeah sure.. I sold the Strange Rover. But then I checked my email and found the address of the guy I found it to and went to buy it back. Maybe when I tell the story you'll understand it better.
Narrator: (Alex) Let us set the scene shall we? I always used to live in a van.. and now I live in the Strange Rover. Some people think this is strange. But look at the apartment building this guy lives in. The carpet is not only from the 70s but probably has more fleas then Clifford the Big Red Dog. You can smell the drugs from a mile away. Okay... that part is a positive. There are stains on all the walls. Which is also awesome if you want to play guess that stain. The broken glass, discarded needles.. Okay fine.. I'd move in today.... if I didn't live in a death machine that flies and runs on alcohol! Besides you have to take the stairs here. I finally knock on room 348... and a man with an epic beard and a pastal colored shirt that totally doesn't match that beard open the door.
Man: Ummm can I help you?
Alex reaches into his doctor's bag and pulls out a massive wad of multi colored cash.
Alex Richards: Do you take... monopoly money?
Man: Yeah... no.
Alex grins widely.
Alex Richards: I knew I was dealing with a fool! I'm going to rip you off so badly!
Man: So.. why are you saying this.
Alex Richards: I'm not. I'm speaking to the camera. You can't hear me.
Man: There is no camera.
Alex Richards: Well played.
Man: I think you should leave.
Alex Richards: No way dude! You have something I want. I want to buy back... THE STRANGE ROVER!
The guy looks confused, as people often do when talking with The Archduke.
Man: What's a strange rover?
Alex Richards: What's a Strange Rover? Only the most kick ass mode of transportation ever created! Abe Lincoln himself wishes he had a Strange Rover! Scooby Doo wants to replace the mystery machine with the Strange Rover!
Realization dawns on the man's face.
Man: You sold me that truck didn't you?
Alex Richards: Now I want to buy it back!
Man: I couldn't so much as open the door! I called a locksmith. It broke all his tools. I had it towed.. the wheels were locked! I had to sell it to an auto wrecker to get my money back.
Alex Richards: Good one!
Alex claps the man on the back.
Man: What?
Alex Richards: You almost had me! I almost thought you had the Strange Rover crushed for a second! Did Jay put you up to this? Maybe Zach? Tesla told me he installed an amazingly in depth anti theft system. Hmm.. maybe it was him. He was mad at me for always calling him Nicky.
Man: Umm... no. I'm serious.
Alex goes pale.
Alex Richards: No fucking way! You wrecked... the rover? My baby! Give me the address!
Man: What address?
Alex Richards: The address of the Auto Wreckers!
The man pulls out a piece of paper and jots down an address probably thankful to be getting rid of Alex who snatches the paper and takes off down the hall.
Alex Richards: Don't worry baby! Daddy's coming for ya!
Alex races off down the hall at top speed, or at least top speed for him. You hear laughter as the scene cuts back to reality.
Alex Richards: See what a fun time that was?
SZR: I don't get it. How was that fun?
Alex Richards: You had to be there Zach! I went to the Auto Wreckers.. and the Strange Rover wasn't there! It transported itself back to the Guardians base! You get how awesome that is Zach?
SZR: Why is that awesome?
Alex Richards: The Strange Rover pulled an epic prank on me! Who else but the Archduke of Mass Confusion gets pranked by their own vehicle? How awesome is it that my vehicle pulls pranks? And it never would have happened except for the power of Craigslist! Plus I made two bucks from the sale of the Strange Rover.
SZR: I could have sworn you sold the Strange Rover for 500 bucks.
Alex Richards: My alter ego made 500 bucks. But then he spent it all on boring stuff. Like this book called the joy of accounting. It burned good I'll give it that. There was only 2 bucks left when I came back. But I spent it wisely.
Alex reaches into his always present, very outdated black doctor's bag and pulls out.. a pack of thrills gum.
Alex Richards: Want a piece?
SZR: Isn't that the gum that tastes like soap?
Alex Richards: Hell yeah it is! And I'm using it as a breathe mint before my date!
Alex pops in a piece.. then considers and pops in a second.
Alex Richards: It's gonna be a hot date so I have to taste my best.
SZR: So you want breathe that smells like soap?
Alex Richards: You just don't understand women Zach.
SZR: Apparently not.
Alex Richards: So which one should I wear?
Alex returns from the closet of his Strange Rover's bedroom holding two suits. An ugly plaid suit, and an ugly corderoy suit.
SZR: How about neither.
Alex Richards: Great idea Zach! I'll wear the plaid pants and the corderoy jacket! Emma is gonna love it!
SZR: I take it Emma is the girl you're going out with?
Alex Richards: You know it! And check out... how hot she is!
Alex whistling a happy tune walks over to his computer. And opens up his e mail revealing a picture of.. Emma Stone.
SZR: You're going out with Emma Stone?
Alex Richards: I'm going out with Emma Jane. Who's this Stone chick? She sounds like she would be fun to party with. The Guardians are always up for getting stoned.
SZR: That's who that picture is.
Alex Richards: Hmm.. maybe she has a twin. Want me to set you up with her if she does?
SZR: I think it's a fake picture.
Alex Richards: No.. this is a fake picture.
Alex makes a few more clicks on his computer before bringing up an image of Chris Pratt.
Alex Richards: This is the one I sent her!
SZR: Dude.. you are not Jay Omega.
Alex Richards: But Jay gets all the chicks! And see it worked? First date tonight!
SZR: This is such a bad idea.
Alex Richards: Think I should have used Steven Osbourne's picture instead? Nah, I'm not really a one night stand sort of guy.
SZR: She's going to see you.
Alex Richards: Yeah... so?
SZR: And you don't look like Jay Omega.
Alex smiles.
Alex Richards: I got that covered. Just a second, I'll show you.
Alex starts looking through his dressed throwing out socks, underwear, a frying pan, a tie, a hipster voodoo doll, pants.. then finally with a whoop of victory he raises in the air.. a halloween level Chris Pratt mask.
Alex Richards: There we go! My very own Jay Omega mask!
SZR: That is not gonna work.
Alex Richards: Oh yee of little faith. Just you watch and see. First off.. I need some cologne. Zim-Quila me brother!
SZR: You're going to.. dump Zim-Quila on yourself?
Alex Richards: It's like you don't know me at all. I have to smell my best and what's a better smell then the greatest alcohol known to man?
Shaun sighs and hands Alex a boot full of his favorite beverage.
Alex Richards: Okay, give me a double. I need a drink. This whole dating thing makes me nervous.
Shaun hands Alex a second boot. He nods to his brother and drinks down the one boot then heads into the bathroom with his two suits, and a boot of booze. Shaun talks to himself quietly as Alex prepares.
SZR: This is not going to go well isn't it?
Alex dumps the booze on himself which of course causes him to turn into the invisible Alexa. He puts on the plaid pants, and the cordoroy suit jacket. Before placing the Chris Pratt mask over his invisible face.
Alex Richards: Bingo! Instant Jay Omega! Wait.. there.. something is missing. Can't freak the fair lady out with invisible hands and feet can I?
Alex looks around before pulling on a pair of orange winter gloves and some leather boots. He exits the bathroom and stands in front of his brother.
Alex Richards: What do you think?
SZR: The only way that works is if she's blind.
Alex Richards: I'm telling you Zach.. you just don't understand women. Besides do I look great or what?
SZR: Or what.
Alex Richards: For realz?
Shaun looks at his brother. Obviously anticipating a tremendous disaster upcoming. But instead he smiles.
SZR: You look great Alex. Knock em dead.
Alex Richards: Hell yeah I will!
SZR: Unless your date is a Craigslist killer. In that case run!
Alex Richards: I should be so lucky.
SZR: You're a strange dude brother.
Alex Richards: Strange is sexy.
“I hope” Alex mutters under his breathe as he walks towards the front of the Strange Rover.
SZR: Good luck.
Scene 2: The Great Deception
Alex or Alexa rather waits at their chosen date night spot, which appears to be.. a truck stop judging by all the transport trucks surrounding the area and what appears to be a truck stop chinese buffet restaurant in the background. Alex looks around the parking lot offering a quick prayer before his date.
Alexa Richards: Oh giant flying spaghetti monster, holiest of all the pasta based deities. Hollowed be thy rigatoni. May you be exalted in tomato sauce. Alex here.. please help me not to screw this up. Umm.. thanks We'll get married in New Zealand in your church. Pastafarism is legal there. But you already knew that. ARRRRRRRRRR
Alex makes the sign of pasta being strained through a colander, which is as awkward as you would think. As he looks around.
Alexa Richards: Emma said a red.. umm.. well a red car.
A green pontiac pulls in and the man behind the wheel hides his head avoiding Alex's glaze as he pulls into the parking lot.
Alexa Richards: If I knew she was gonna be later I would have shotgunned a few beers in the parking lot.
But before Alexa can produce the alcohol a red volvo speeds into the parking lot, then slows down... passing Alexa very very slowly. Before stopping. The person behind the wheel hestiates. For at least a couple of minutes. Before finally a middle aged, heavy set red head with a half mohawk steps out of the car and approaches Alexa.
Alexa Richards : Emma?
Emma: You have got to be kidding me! You look nothing like your photo.
Alexa Richards: Well.. you... look.. great.
Emma: And you don't. Do you have man boobs?
Alexa Richards: Hey! That's just mean. I didn't point out you look nothing like that stoned chick. I was trying to be nice.
Emma: Well.. you're not. You're just... ewww.
Alexa Richards: You really think I'm ewww? Is that a sheep pun?
Emma: What are you talking about?
Alexa Richards: I like your mohawk.
Emma: You would... freak.
Alexa Richards: I knew this date would start getting better! I am a freak.
Emma: I know. And what are we doing here... freak?
Alexa Richards: You kidding? This is a great location for a first date from a man of imagination like me!
Emma: You're wearing a mask.
Alexa Richards: I am.. doing no such thing. This is my real face.
Emma: Whatever. Let's get this over with.
Alexa Richards: That's the spirit.
Emma: No.. it isn't.. freak.
Alexa Richards: Freak? Is that my new pet name? I hear couples do that.
Emma: Don't make me barf.
Alexa Richards: That was exactly the plan!
Emma: What are you blathering on about?
Alexa Richards: We're gonna have a contest! Whoever can syphon more diesel out of one of these trucks is the winner.
Emma: Why would I do that?
Alexa Richards: Bragging rights of course! Pro trip.. if you swallow some you can lit your farts afterwards!
Emma: Why would I do that? Syphoning diesel? Are you insane. That's like so dangerous! You really are a freak!
Alexa Richards: Dude, I was just joking.
Emma: Don't call me dude.. I'm a lady!
Alexa Richards: I thought dude could be your pet name.
Emma: Why? Are you stupid?
Alexa Richards: Strange yes. Stupid no. How could I be stupid? I came up with at least 50 different things we can do in a truck stop!
Emma: Let's do one of them. I'm sick of talking to you.
Alexa thinks for a second..
Alexa Richards: Honeymoon to where ever!
Emma: What?
Alexa Richards: We don't look at the license plate.. we choose a truck and hop in the back. We don't know what's in the back. We don't know how long it's gonna take. We don't know where we're going..
Emma: What's good about any of that?
Alexa Richards: Are you kidding me? That's all awesome! You don't have a fear of the unknown do you dude?
Emma: Don't call me dude! And no... I'm not going anywhere else with you!
Alexa Richards: Alright.. we'll start small. Would you care to go for dinner with me?
Emma: Where?
Alexa Richards: At Truckstop Chinatown of course! They have the best honey garlic ribs. Their chicken balls are top notch too.
Emma: I don't do buffet.
Alexa Richards: Are you sure? You look like you would do awesome at a buffet!
Emma: Are you making fat jokes now?
Alexa Richards: Of course not.. I'm fat too. We're taking it back! Besides it wasn't a joke it was a compliment. Destroying a buffet with the Archduke? That's totally an honour!
Emma: It is not! Besides that Chinese food sucks!
Alexa Richards: Seriously? It's like you're speaking Greek to me. Next thing you're gonna say is that you don't want to go behind the dumpster and split a pint of beer with me.
Emma: I hate alcohol! And I hate you!
Alexa Richards: But you don't even know the real me. Here.. let me show you.
Alexa goes into his doctor's bag and pulls out his back up Zim-Quila.
Alexa Richards: I'm glad the Strange Rover produces this stuff. If I had to buy it this whole invisible thing would bankrupt me.
Alexa dumps it on herself becoming visible again and tossing aside the mask revealing... Alex Richards! The woman screams.
Alex Richards: Oh, get over yourself. Even if you were hot you would still be ugly.
Emma sprints towards her car and quickly pulls out. The driver of the Pontiac Shaun Zach Richards gets out of the car to console his brother.
SZR: She wasn't the women for you man.
Alex Richards: I'll say. But you know.. it would be nice... just once if someone liked my strangeness instead of tolerated it. Where's my happy ending you know?
SZR: I have a case of Zim-Quila in the trunk.
Alex Richards: Happy ending found little bro. Bet you ten bucks I can drink a Zim-Quila through my nose!
SZR: Oh bullshit! You're on!
The brothers Richards head off towards the car in search of alcohol as the scene fades.
Scene 3: The Great Deal Of Trouble Messing With The Guardians Is Going To Cause You
Alex Richards: So my love life sucks. You know what I do have? I have a family. You don't mess with Shaun Zach.. and you don't mess with the Guardians! You do either of those things and you get the wrath of the Archduke. Andre Holmes, you were stupid enough to disrespect my brothers. You never should have disrespected my brothers. That's why I am so very happy to be facing you in a one on one match this week! Do you know I have never lost a one on one match in the UCI?
Alex waits a quizzical expression on his face before continuing.
Alex Richards: I'll bet you didn't know that. Of course it isn't that impressive considering I have only had one singles match in the UCI. But still in that one singles match I beat the holy hell out of the Moor-on. And in one on one matches how have you been doing Andre Holmes? Last I checked not so good. You lost to Erin Fausse and Nancy Kerrigan.
SZR: Umm.. hate to interrupt but wasn't it Thursday Kerrigan?
Alex Richards: That makes it even worse! At least Nancy Kerrigan won a gold medal! What did Thursday ever do besides kick Andre's lame ass? Absolutely nothing! Hell if he lost to Nancy he would have had the excuse she used a skate to win. Thursday just got in his head and outsmarted him to win.
Alex begins to raises his volume getting more worked up.
Alex Richards: But in spite of the losses to Erin and Thursday I heard you last week. I heard you signing your own death warrant. I heard you talking about my friends, Jay Omega and Polar Phantasm. More importantly I heard you talking down to my friends. I heard you saying they didn't deserve chances at the world title. That they weren't real threats. You want to see what a threat a Guardian poses? I'm right in front of you and I take offense to your words. You thought Polar was only in the match because he was popular yet he sure cost you the victory didn't he when he knocked over that ladder! You thought Jay Omega already had his shot and lost to Crow so he didn't deserve another chance. Yet he, not you, was the closest to winning when Polar Phantasm knocked that ladder over. You want to say the Guardians aren't worthy of you? I think it's time I taught you a little lesson in respect Guardian style.
SZR: You need a drink?
Alex Richards; No, I don't need a drink! I don't need to calm down! Andre Holmes wanted to dismiss the Guardians? He wanted to make the big man mad? I think it's about time he learned just how stupid an idea that was! You see I'll let you in on a little secret Holmes. No one has pinned me. No one has submitted me. No one has actually beaten me since I entered the UCI! Can you say the same Andre? Well can you? Oh c'mon Andre.. I'll heard you talk about how that world title is your destiny! I've hear you say the Guardians are nothing compared to you! Surely you also haven't been defeated in a match right Andre? Right?
Alex bellows out the answer.
Alex Richards: Oh fuck no you can't! I've been tossed over the top rope, I'll been in matches where other people have been pinned. But no one... NO ONE, can say they got a pin over me! Then there's you.. Andre.. who becomes instantly jealous when someone else receives a title shot. That's the only reason I can think of as to why you were so salty about the Omega Man and Phantasm receiving world title shots. Hell, I gotta ask, why do you deserve title shots actually? I mean fuck David Sanchez took advantage of his chance and actually won the title, as much of a prick as he is. You lost. So don't act like you're better than everyone else because clearly you aren't.
Alex shrugs his massive shoulders.
Alex Richards: Course I haven't been winning titles left and right either. But I ain't saying I'm the chosen one of wrestling either. I am saying this.. when you dissed my friends you made an enemy of the Archduke. I may not be world champion. But I don't have to world champion to kick your wantabe, poser ass! You want to insult the Guardians? You have to be able to back that shit up. And so far... you haven't. So I'm gonna assume you can't! You might think Alex Richards, doesn't even have a winning record in the UCI. Why is he a threat? The last guy who went after my friends, Wade Moor, ask him what happened when he got an angry Alex Richards in the ring with him. Come to think of it maybe you should thank me for your win over him a week later. Maybe if I hadn't done such a number on him you wouldn't have gotten by him. But remember how he seemed beat up, he seemed in pain before the match even started?
Alex grins, a proud grin.
Alex Richards: I did that to him. And I'm not sorry for it. He went after my friends so I took it upon mine to dispense some justice his way. Now you did the same, Holmes. You went and made it personal. You went and made me want to show you something. Show you that the Guardians are no joke. Even though, I like jokes, like them a lot. But you don't get to laugh at us. You don't get to mock us. You don't get to try and use us a stepping stone. Although that's a good idea. Me.. stepping.. on.. you. Again and again and again.
Alex shakes his head.
Alex Richards: You call yourself “Relentless” Andre Holmes, but with the way you talk you should call yourself “Senseless” Andre Holmes. The more you speak the more impressed I am. At how stupid you are. Let me tell you something Andre. Bonnie, Jay, and Polar have all been world champions. I may not have been world champion but I have defeated world champions including one in a non title match. I'm sure Bobby Cairo would tell you I'm nobody's stepping stone. By the way, the Godfather is the man. Last week was the closest you ever have been and ever will be to being champion. And you spent that time not winning the match and picking a fight with me. That's dumb on two different levels. I might never be a world champion but I can contend myself in the knowledge that I will never embarass myself by saying I'm better than people who have!
SZR: You don't think you're going to be world champion?
Alex Richards: Fuck no! I'm gonna be world champion someday. But in the meantime I can at least be humble. Fuck, I only have to be more humble than Andre Holmes so I could proobably declare myself king of the world and still not have to worry about that! I can't wait to see what he brags about this week. How I'm not on his level. It's gonna be funny when I make him eat his words. I mean it's funny in how bad it'll make him look not in that I'll actually be laughing.
SZR: I think the people understood that.
Alex Richards: The people yes. But I wanted to make sure Holmes did as well. He doesn't realize what he talked himself into. Probably still doesn't. But he'll know soon. Andre, you brought this on yourself. Don't blame me for what is gonna happen to you. Much like Kyle Kemp needed to learn, and by the way I taught it to him, if you want to brag you had better be able to back it up. You couldn't back it up against Jay or Polar when you failed to win the world title. And you damn sure won't be able to back it up against me either. This is the fourth of July not Thanksgiving but I'm still going to rip you apart just like a wishbone because that's how I roll. Plus they don't let me fire off fireworks in the ring.. apparently. That was my one joke to lighten the mood, Andre. Back to the seriousness. Nobody has pinned me and there is no way you are going to be the first. You're going to learn a harsh lesson Andre.. the Guardians always win... because we have a motherfucking space dragon... bitch.
Fade To Black
When the moon hits your eyes like a big pizza pie that's amora! When your ass hits the ground and you're farting around that's amora!
The gravelly off key voice of Alex Richards breaks the silence. Although everyone probably wishes it wasn't including Shaun Zach Richards, Alex's half brother, personal cameraman, babysitter, he wears many hats.
SZR: I think your singing just killed a hound.
Alex Richards: Now that can't be true Zach. My voice is low. Dogs supposedly can hear things higher than humans. So my singing couldn't have killed a dog.
SZR: It committed suicide. Why are you singing a song you don't even know the words to.
Alex Richards: (still singing) Because I'm in the mood for love! And I have one hell of a hot date tonight! The fact the Guardians have a week off... totally paying off for me.. in sex dollars.
Shaun grins.
SZR: Good for you bro. Where did you meet this lady exactly?
Alex Richards: Placed an ad on Craigslist..
SZR: Oh no! Not again! Didn't you learn from last time?
Alex Richards: What are you talking about? It worked out great last time!
SZR: Really? You're going with.. it went great last time? When you sold the Strange Rover on Craigslist?
Alex Richards: That's what I was talking about..
SZR: You losing the Strange Rover was good because...
Alex Richards: Let me help you see things my way Zach. Yeah sure.. I sold the Strange Rover. But then I checked my email and found the address of the guy I found it to and went to buy it back. Maybe when I tell the story you'll understand it better.
Narrator: (Alex) Let us set the scene shall we? I always used to live in a van.. and now I live in the Strange Rover. Some people think this is strange. But look at the apartment building this guy lives in. The carpet is not only from the 70s but probably has more fleas then Clifford the Big Red Dog. You can smell the drugs from a mile away. Okay... that part is a positive. There are stains on all the walls. Which is also awesome if you want to play guess that stain. The broken glass, discarded needles.. Okay fine.. I'd move in today.... if I didn't live in a death machine that flies and runs on alcohol! Besides you have to take the stairs here. I finally knock on room 348... and a man with an epic beard and a pastal colored shirt that totally doesn't match that beard open the door.
Man: Ummm can I help you?
Alex reaches into his doctor's bag and pulls out a massive wad of multi colored cash.
Alex Richards: Do you take... monopoly money?
Man: Yeah... no.
Alex grins widely.
Alex Richards: I knew I was dealing with a fool! I'm going to rip you off so badly!
Man: So.. why are you saying this.
Alex Richards: I'm not. I'm speaking to the camera. You can't hear me.
Man: There is no camera.
Alex Richards: Well played.
Man: I think you should leave.
Alex Richards: No way dude! You have something I want. I want to buy back... THE STRANGE ROVER!
The guy looks confused, as people often do when talking with The Archduke.
Man: What's a strange rover?
Alex Richards: What's a Strange Rover? Only the most kick ass mode of transportation ever created! Abe Lincoln himself wishes he had a Strange Rover! Scooby Doo wants to replace the mystery machine with the Strange Rover!
Realization dawns on the man's face.
Man: You sold me that truck didn't you?
Alex Richards: Now I want to buy it back!
Man: I couldn't so much as open the door! I called a locksmith. It broke all his tools. I had it towed.. the wheels were locked! I had to sell it to an auto wrecker to get my money back.
Alex Richards: Good one!
Alex claps the man on the back.
Man: What?
Alex Richards: You almost had me! I almost thought you had the Strange Rover crushed for a second! Did Jay put you up to this? Maybe Zach? Tesla told me he installed an amazingly in depth anti theft system. Hmm.. maybe it was him. He was mad at me for always calling him Nicky.
Man: Umm... no. I'm serious.
Alex goes pale.
Alex Richards: No fucking way! You wrecked... the rover? My baby! Give me the address!
Man: What address?
Alex Richards: The address of the Auto Wreckers!
The man pulls out a piece of paper and jots down an address probably thankful to be getting rid of Alex who snatches the paper and takes off down the hall.
Alex Richards: Don't worry baby! Daddy's coming for ya!
Alex races off down the hall at top speed, or at least top speed for him. You hear laughter as the scene cuts back to reality.
Alex Richards: See what a fun time that was?
SZR: I don't get it. How was that fun?
Alex Richards: You had to be there Zach! I went to the Auto Wreckers.. and the Strange Rover wasn't there! It transported itself back to the Guardians base! You get how awesome that is Zach?
SZR: Why is that awesome?
Alex Richards: The Strange Rover pulled an epic prank on me! Who else but the Archduke of Mass Confusion gets pranked by their own vehicle? How awesome is it that my vehicle pulls pranks? And it never would have happened except for the power of Craigslist! Plus I made two bucks from the sale of the Strange Rover.
SZR: I could have sworn you sold the Strange Rover for 500 bucks.
Alex Richards: My alter ego made 500 bucks. But then he spent it all on boring stuff. Like this book called the joy of accounting. It burned good I'll give it that. There was only 2 bucks left when I came back. But I spent it wisely.
Alex reaches into his always present, very outdated black doctor's bag and pulls out.. a pack of thrills gum.
Alex Richards: Want a piece?
SZR: Isn't that the gum that tastes like soap?
Alex Richards: Hell yeah it is! And I'm using it as a breathe mint before my date!
Alex pops in a piece.. then considers and pops in a second.
Alex Richards: It's gonna be a hot date so I have to taste my best.
SZR: So you want breathe that smells like soap?
Alex Richards: You just don't understand women Zach.
SZR: Apparently not.
Alex Richards: So which one should I wear?
Alex returns from the closet of his Strange Rover's bedroom holding two suits. An ugly plaid suit, and an ugly corderoy suit.
SZR: How about neither.
Alex Richards: Great idea Zach! I'll wear the plaid pants and the corderoy jacket! Emma is gonna love it!
SZR: I take it Emma is the girl you're going out with?
Alex Richards: You know it! And check out... how hot she is!
Alex whistling a happy tune walks over to his computer. And opens up his e mail revealing a picture of.. Emma Stone.
SZR: You're going out with Emma Stone?
Alex Richards: I'm going out with Emma Jane. Who's this Stone chick? She sounds like she would be fun to party with. The Guardians are always up for getting stoned.
SZR: That's who that picture is.
Alex Richards: Hmm.. maybe she has a twin. Want me to set you up with her if she does?
SZR: I think it's a fake picture.
Alex Richards: No.. this is a fake picture.
Alex makes a few more clicks on his computer before bringing up an image of Chris Pratt.
Alex Richards: This is the one I sent her!
SZR: Dude.. you are not Jay Omega.
Alex Richards: But Jay gets all the chicks! And see it worked? First date tonight!
SZR: This is such a bad idea.
Alex Richards: Think I should have used Steven Osbourne's picture instead? Nah, I'm not really a one night stand sort of guy.
SZR: She's going to see you.
Alex Richards: Yeah... so?
SZR: And you don't look like Jay Omega.
Alex smiles.
Alex Richards: I got that covered. Just a second, I'll show you.
Alex starts looking through his dressed throwing out socks, underwear, a frying pan, a tie, a hipster voodoo doll, pants.. then finally with a whoop of victory he raises in the air.. a halloween level Chris Pratt mask.
Alex Richards: There we go! My very own Jay Omega mask!
SZR: That is not gonna work.
Alex Richards: Oh yee of little faith. Just you watch and see. First off.. I need some cologne. Zim-Quila me brother!
SZR: You're going to.. dump Zim-Quila on yourself?
Alex Richards: It's like you don't know me at all. I have to smell my best and what's a better smell then the greatest alcohol known to man?
Shaun sighs and hands Alex a boot full of his favorite beverage.
Alex Richards: Okay, give me a double. I need a drink. This whole dating thing makes me nervous.
Shaun hands Alex a second boot. He nods to his brother and drinks down the one boot then heads into the bathroom with his two suits, and a boot of booze. Shaun talks to himself quietly as Alex prepares.
SZR: This is not going to go well isn't it?
Alex dumps the booze on himself which of course causes him to turn into the invisible Alexa. He puts on the plaid pants, and the cordoroy suit jacket. Before placing the Chris Pratt mask over his invisible face.
Alex Richards: Bingo! Instant Jay Omega! Wait.. there.. something is missing. Can't freak the fair lady out with invisible hands and feet can I?
Alex looks around before pulling on a pair of orange winter gloves and some leather boots. He exits the bathroom and stands in front of his brother.
Alex Richards: What do you think?
SZR: The only way that works is if she's blind.
Alex Richards: I'm telling you Zach.. you just don't understand women. Besides do I look great or what?
SZR: Or what.
Alex Richards: For realz?
Shaun looks at his brother. Obviously anticipating a tremendous disaster upcoming. But instead he smiles.
SZR: You look great Alex. Knock em dead.
Alex Richards: Hell yeah I will!
SZR: Unless your date is a Craigslist killer. In that case run!
Alex Richards: I should be so lucky.
SZR: You're a strange dude brother.
Alex Richards: Strange is sexy.
“I hope” Alex mutters under his breathe as he walks towards the front of the Strange Rover.
SZR: Good luck.
Scene 2: The Great Deception
Alex or Alexa rather waits at their chosen date night spot, which appears to be.. a truck stop judging by all the transport trucks surrounding the area and what appears to be a truck stop chinese buffet restaurant in the background. Alex looks around the parking lot offering a quick prayer before his date.
Alexa Richards: Oh giant flying spaghetti monster, holiest of all the pasta based deities. Hollowed be thy rigatoni. May you be exalted in tomato sauce. Alex here.. please help me not to screw this up. Umm.. thanks We'll get married in New Zealand in your church. Pastafarism is legal there. But you already knew that. ARRRRRRRRRR
Alex makes the sign of pasta being strained through a colander, which is as awkward as you would think. As he looks around.
Alexa Richards: Emma said a red.. umm.. well a red car.
A green pontiac pulls in and the man behind the wheel hides his head avoiding Alex's glaze as he pulls into the parking lot.
Alexa Richards: If I knew she was gonna be later I would have shotgunned a few beers in the parking lot.
But before Alexa can produce the alcohol a red volvo speeds into the parking lot, then slows down... passing Alexa very very slowly. Before stopping. The person behind the wheel hestiates. For at least a couple of minutes. Before finally a middle aged, heavy set red head with a half mohawk steps out of the car and approaches Alexa.
Alexa Richards : Emma?
Emma: You have got to be kidding me! You look nothing like your photo.
Alexa Richards: Well.. you... look.. great.
Emma: And you don't. Do you have man boobs?
Alexa Richards: Hey! That's just mean. I didn't point out you look nothing like that stoned chick. I was trying to be nice.
Emma: Well.. you're not. You're just... ewww.
Alexa Richards: You really think I'm ewww? Is that a sheep pun?
Emma: What are you talking about?
Alexa Richards: I like your mohawk.
Emma: You would... freak.
Alexa Richards: I knew this date would start getting better! I am a freak.
Emma: I know. And what are we doing here... freak?
Alexa Richards: You kidding? This is a great location for a first date from a man of imagination like me!
Emma: You're wearing a mask.
Alexa Richards: I am.. doing no such thing. This is my real face.
Emma: Whatever. Let's get this over with.
Alexa Richards: That's the spirit.
Emma: No.. it isn't.. freak.
Alexa Richards: Freak? Is that my new pet name? I hear couples do that.
Emma: Don't make me barf.
Alexa Richards: That was exactly the plan!
Emma: What are you blathering on about?
Alexa Richards: We're gonna have a contest! Whoever can syphon more diesel out of one of these trucks is the winner.
Emma: Why would I do that?
Alexa Richards: Bragging rights of course! Pro trip.. if you swallow some you can lit your farts afterwards!
Emma: Why would I do that? Syphoning diesel? Are you insane. That's like so dangerous! You really are a freak!
Alexa Richards: Dude, I was just joking.
Emma: Don't call me dude.. I'm a lady!
Alexa Richards: I thought dude could be your pet name.
Emma: Why? Are you stupid?
Alexa Richards: Strange yes. Stupid no. How could I be stupid? I came up with at least 50 different things we can do in a truck stop!
Emma: Let's do one of them. I'm sick of talking to you.
Alexa thinks for a second..
Alexa Richards: Honeymoon to where ever!
Emma: What?
Alexa Richards: We don't look at the license plate.. we choose a truck and hop in the back. We don't know what's in the back. We don't know how long it's gonna take. We don't know where we're going..
Emma: What's good about any of that?
Alexa Richards: Are you kidding me? That's all awesome! You don't have a fear of the unknown do you dude?
Emma: Don't call me dude! And no... I'm not going anywhere else with you!
Alexa Richards: Alright.. we'll start small. Would you care to go for dinner with me?
Emma: Where?
Alexa Richards: At Truckstop Chinatown of course! They have the best honey garlic ribs. Their chicken balls are top notch too.
Emma: I don't do buffet.
Alexa Richards: Are you sure? You look like you would do awesome at a buffet!
Emma: Are you making fat jokes now?
Alexa Richards: Of course not.. I'm fat too. We're taking it back! Besides it wasn't a joke it was a compliment. Destroying a buffet with the Archduke? That's totally an honour!
Emma: It is not! Besides that Chinese food sucks!
Alexa Richards: Seriously? It's like you're speaking Greek to me. Next thing you're gonna say is that you don't want to go behind the dumpster and split a pint of beer with me.
Emma: I hate alcohol! And I hate you!
Alexa Richards: But you don't even know the real me. Here.. let me show you.
Alexa goes into his doctor's bag and pulls out his back up Zim-Quila.
Alexa Richards: I'm glad the Strange Rover produces this stuff. If I had to buy it this whole invisible thing would bankrupt me.
Alexa dumps it on herself becoming visible again and tossing aside the mask revealing... Alex Richards! The woman screams.
Alex Richards: Oh, get over yourself. Even if you were hot you would still be ugly.
Emma sprints towards her car and quickly pulls out. The driver of the Pontiac Shaun Zach Richards gets out of the car to console his brother.
SZR: She wasn't the women for you man.
Alex Richards: I'll say. But you know.. it would be nice... just once if someone liked my strangeness instead of tolerated it. Where's my happy ending you know?
SZR: I have a case of Zim-Quila in the trunk.
Alex Richards: Happy ending found little bro. Bet you ten bucks I can drink a Zim-Quila through my nose!
SZR: Oh bullshit! You're on!
The brothers Richards head off towards the car in search of alcohol as the scene fades.
Scene 3: The Great Deal Of Trouble Messing With The Guardians Is Going To Cause You
Alex Richards: So my love life sucks. You know what I do have? I have a family. You don't mess with Shaun Zach.. and you don't mess with the Guardians! You do either of those things and you get the wrath of the Archduke. Andre Holmes, you were stupid enough to disrespect my brothers. You never should have disrespected my brothers. That's why I am so very happy to be facing you in a one on one match this week! Do you know I have never lost a one on one match in the UCI?
Alex waits a quizzical expression on his face before continuing.
Alex Richards: I'll bet you didn't know that. Of course it isn't that impressive considering I have only had one singles match in the UCI. But still in that one singles match I beat the holy hell out of the Moor-on. And in one on one matches how have you been doing Andre Holmes? Last I checked not so good. You lost to Erin Fausse and Nancy Kerrigan.
SZR: Umm.. hate to interrupt but wasn't it Thursday Kerrigan?
Alex Richards: That makes it even worse! At least Nancy Kerrigan won a gold medal! What did Thursday ever do besides kick Andre's lame ass? Absolutely nothing! Hell if he lost to Nancy he would have had the excuse she used a skate to win. Thursday just got in his head and outsmarted him to win.
Alex begins to raises his volume getting more worked up.
Alex Richards: But in spite of the losses to Erin and Thursday I heard you last week. I heard you signing your own death warrant. I heard you talking about my friends, Jay Omega and Polar Phantasm. More importantly I heard you talking down to my friends. I heard you saying they didn't deserve chances at the world title. That they weren't real threats. You want to see what a threat a Guardian poses? I'm right in front of you and I take offense to your words. You thought Polar was only in the match because he was popular yet he sure cost you the victory didn't he when he knocked over that ladder! You thought Jay Omega already had his shot and lost to Crow so he didn't deserve another chance. Yet he, not you, was the closest to winning when Polar Phantasm knocked that ladder over. You want to say the Guardians aren't worthy of you? I think it's time I taught you a little lesson in respect Guardian style.
SZR: You need a drink?
Alex Richards; No, I don't need a drink! I don't need to calm down! Andre Holmes wanted to dismiss the Guardians? He wanted to make the big man mad? I think it's about time he learned just how stupid an idea that was! You see I'll let you in on a little secret Holmes. No one has pinned me. No one has submitted me. No one has actually beaten me since I entered the UCI! Can you say the same Andre? Well can you? Oh c'mon Andre.. I'll heard you talk about how that world title is your destiny! I've hear you say the Guardians are nothing compared to you! Surely you also haven't been defeated in a match right Andre? Right?
Alex bellows out the answer.
Alex Richards: Oh fuck no you can't! I've been tossed over the top rope, I'll been in matches where other people have been pinned. But no one... NO ONE, can say they got a pin over me! Then there's you.. Andre.. who becomes instantly jealous when someone else receives a title shot. That's the only reason I can think of as to why you were so salty about the Omega Man and Phantasm receiving world title shots. Hell, I gotta ask, why do you deserve title shots actually? I mean fuck David Sanchez took advantage of his chance and actually won the title, as much of a prick as he is. You lost. So don't act like you're better than everyone else because clearly you aren't.
Alex shrugs his massive shoulders.
Alex Richards: Course I haven't been winning titles left and right either. But I ain't saying I'm the chosen one of wrestling either. I am saying this.. when you dissed my friends you made an enemy of the Archduke. I may not be world champion. But I don't have to world champion to kick your wantabe, poser ass! You want to insult the Guardians? You have to be able to back that shit up. And so far... you haven't. So I'm gonna assume you can't! You might think Alex Richards, doesn't even have a winning record in the UCI. Why is he a threat? The last guy who went after my friends, Wade Moor, ask him what happened when he got an angry Alex Richards in the ring with him. Come to think of it maybe you should thank me for your win over him a week later. Maybe if I hadn't done such a number on him you wouldn't have gotten by him. But remember how he seemed beat up, he seemed in pain before the match even started?
Alex grins, a proud grin.
Alex Richards: I did that to him. And I'm not sorry for it. He went after my friends so I took it upon mine to dispense some justice his way. Now you did the same, Holmes. You went and made it personal. You went and made me want to show you something. Show you that the Guardians are no joke. Even though, I like jokes, like them a lot. But you don't get to laugh at us. You don't get to mock us. You don't get to try and use us a stepping stone. Although that's a good idea. Me.. stepping.. on.. you. Again and again and again.
Alex shakes his head.
Alex Richards: You call yourself “Relentless” Andre Holmes, but with the way you talk you should call yourself “Senseless” Andre Holmes. The more you speak the more impressed I am. At how stupid you are. Let me tell you something Andre. Bonnie, Jay, and Polar have all been world champions. I may not have been world champion but I have defeated world champions including one in a non title match. I'm sure Bobby Cairo would tell you I'm nobody's stepping stone. By the way, the Godfather is the man. Last week was the closest you ever have been and ever will be to being champion. And you spent that time not winning the match and picking a fight with me. That's dumb on two different levels. I might never be a world champion but I can contend myself in the knowledge that I will never embarass myself by saying I'm better than people who have!
SZR: You don't think you're going to be world champion?
Alex Richards: Fuck no! I'm gonna be world champion someday. But in the meantime I can at least be humble. Fuck, I only have to be more humble than Andre Holmes so I could proobably declare myself king of the world and still not have to worry about that! I can't wait to see what he brags about this week. How I'm not on his level. It's gonna be funny when I make him eat his words. I mean it's funny in how bad it'll make him look not in that I'll actually be laughing.
SZR: I think the people understood that.
Alex Richards: The people yes. But I wanted to make sure Holmes did as well. He doesn't realize what he talked himself into. Probably still doesn't. But he'll know soon. Andre, you brought this on yourself. Don't blame me for what is gonna happen to you. Much like Kyle Kemp needed to learn, and by the way I taught it to him, if you want to brag you had better be able to back it up. You couldn't back it up against Jay or Polar when you failed to win the world title. And you damn sure won't be able to back it up against me either. This is the fourth of July not Thanksgiving but I'm still going to rip you apart just like a wishbone because that's how I roll. Plus they don't let me fire off fireworks in the ring.. apparently. That was my one joke to lighten the mood, Andre. Back to the seriousness. Nobody has pinned me and there is no way you are going to be the first. You're going to learn a harsh lesson Andre.. the Guardians always win... because we have a motherfucking space dragon... bitch.
Fade To Black