Wicker Park, Next Three Exits (Part 1 (1.5?) of 4)
Jun 26, 2016 14:49:06 GMT -6
Spencer Adams, The Polar Phantasm, and 2 more like this
Post by Alex Richards on Jun 26, 2016 14:49:06 GMT -6
This is the first part of the Guardians Chicago Series this week. Sort of, Mr. Wright's roleplay, Windy Shitty, is also part of the set and is at the beginning. So read that before you read mine for full clarity. Hope you enjoy.
Part 1: Greetings From Wicker Park
We hear whistling but don't see anyone. This of course means Alex, or Alexa rather, Richards is making his or her rather, presence felt. We see a run down but recently rebuilt coffee shop on the left with many younger people inside drinking coffee and chatting..
Alexa Richards: I can't believe coffee houses caught on. Especially considering..
Inside you can see an open mic night in progress. A man dressed all in black is speaking.
Man: Desolation! Destruction! A Big Mac! Corporations! Caring! Uncaring! Deliver us from evil!
Alexa Richards: I mean.. how can you be entertained by a guy like that without alcohol? And coffee something that makes you more awake and alert to hear that? I mean as a native of Chicago and a resident of Wicker Park I'm ashamed.
And with that.. the door swings open seemingly because of the wind and the mic is quickly unplugged. The door swings open again and the man goes silent looking around as to see what happened.
Alexa Richards: This is my city. I'm a gonna protect it from crap like that. Speaking of which where the hell did Wright go anyways. |I promised I would see him first and I always keep my promises.
The invisible Alex continues to look around as she notices people she stops talking to himself. Alexa turns down a less crowded more seedy back street where she spies a lone woman hurrying down the dusky, poorly lit road pursued by two lanky man of Latino background. The shorter one pulls out a knife.
Thug 1: Hey mommy, you gonna give me that purse or do I have to beg for it?
Thug 2 laughs.
Thug 2: He don't beg well.
The terrified women screams however the knife flies from the hand of the first thug. Both thugs stoop to pick it up and their heads smash together. The woman runs getting a good enough head start to escape. A chuckle is heard in spite of the fact the two wantabe muggers see no one.
Juan... Carlos.. you fucked up again?
A taller, obviously more in charge man steps out of the alley flanked by four other men all wearing gang colours.
Leader: This is the thanks I get? Letting you two fools join the Wicker Riders? Out of the goodness of my heart. You know we have to have that money. You know this is a rough neighbourhood and we have to have weapons to survive. I think it's time we teach you just how rough things can get.
The group turn on their own savagely stomping and kicking the two newcomers of the gang. Alexa however figuring they had it coming simply walks away as the gang version of justice continues. One man beating them with what appears to be a tire iron. Meanwhile the search for Wright continues as Alexa spots a large barrel fire with a large group huddled around it talking in rough language but seemingly in a good mood.
Alexa Richards: Nah, this wouldn't be Taylor's scene at all. They are all too happy. Where could he be?
Alexa continues her tour of Wicker Park spotting something Alex would have liked. A large group of people in what appears to be a basketball court. But it doesn't appear to be basketball they are playing. Two men stand in the centre of a circle of people slugging it out back and forth as the others cheer them on and place bets. Alexa quietly wonders.
Alexa Richards: You think they would let me fight while invisible? Probably be unfair. Not much fun fighting if there's no chance of getting hurt. Not sporting.
Alexa spots a basketball and dunks it on the way out surprisingly the smaller guy who had his larger opponent in a headlock. He looks over and then is decimated by a kick out of nowhere.
Alexa Richards: Oops.. I just wanted to see what it felt like to dunk. Alex can't dunk. Ah well us big guys gotta stick together.
Alexa passes several old school Chicago mafia looking types including a goon with a baseball bat who looks to be getting instructions before finally spotting a firmilar looking car.
Alexa Richards: See.. this is why it pays off to be a Guardian.. according to our intel that's David Sanchez's company car. That means it'll take me right to Wright. Now to hitch a ride..
A loud thump is heard as something or someone jumps onto the back trunk of the vehicle. The driver doesn't notice perhaps chaulking it up to something happening in the rough neighbourhood. Alexa softly chuckles thinking of what she's going to do to Wright as the scene fades out..
Scene 2: Land of Confusion
Alex Richards: Hey Erin Fausse how did it feel when this ape like creature booted you in the skull knocking you down and out during our tag match last week? Bet you felt pretty stupid after boasting how you destroyed my dreams and embarassed me in the first week of the UCI didn't it? Why am I pointing this out Erin, I just want to let you know that WHEN, I didn't say if I said WHEN, I win this five man battle royal at Election Day I'll be coming for your rising star championship.
Alex grins.
Alex Richards: Unless you lose to the Mayor. Then it'll be my pleasure to dethrone him of the championship the same way I'm eventually gonna dethrone him as mayor.
Wait a minute! You're just going to ignore it.
The voice of Alex's brother and personal cameraman Shaun Zach rings out, he spins the camera around as if to prove his point. Revealing a dismantled, still smoking jukebox. An oozing, sludgy mixture of alcohols dripping out from behind the bar. Assorted shattered bar stools and tables. Destroyed mirrors. Even the pool table and most of the pool cues are shattered. Alex shrugs.
Alex Richards: Now about that battle royal.
SZR: You can't be serious! You disappear for several weeks without calling!
Alex Richards: I was off on Guardian business. You wouldn't understand.
SZR: You could have at least called! I was worried.
Alex looks a little ashamed.
Alex Richards: I'm sorry bro.
SZR: Then you text me out of the blue that you're gonna go fuck Wright up right round like a pizza which by the way isn't even how the song goes.
Alex Richards: It is in the Temporal Wonkiness version of the song. It's way better. Plus they cover all of Jay Omega's remixes of songs. I don't know why you're worried about the bar though. I got insurance.
SZR: You didn't get insurance. I got insurance.
Alex Richards: You got full coverage, right? You got walk away insurance. You got flood insurance. You got act of god insurance. You even got riot insurance.
SZR: Of course I did. You're.. well you.
Alex Richards: And who caused that riot.
SZR: You did... of course.
Alex Richards: See and it's a good thing I did. So problem solved.. thanks to me.
SZR: Starting a riot?
Alex Richards: Now you're seeing things my way!
SZR: No, I just don't want to argue nonsense.
Alex Richards: You know how often I get that..
SZR: I'm your brother of course I do!
Alex Richards: Then you oughta know I roll.. tonight it was in broken glass.
SZR: That would explain the blood.
Alex Richards: I had to roll in broken glass. I need booze to make myself invisible.
SZR: Oh god, you somehow got even worse while you were gone. Is it possible the guardians are a bad influence on you?
Alex Richards: Nah, I'm a bad influence on them. I even challenged Bonnie to a donuts in space contest! But really Zach, there's nothing to talk about. Wright and a couple of goons came here to try and convince me to join up with Mayor Sanchez.
SZR: You didn't..
Alex Richards: Of course not. Do you think I'm stupid?
SZR: Lots of people do. But I know better.
Alex Richards: So the goons with Wright trashed the bar. But like I told you.. I went and fucked up Wright. I told you I'd see you first didn't I, Wright? And those plain blue boxers. You could have at least sprang for the Care bear drawers in ironic support of Sanchez. I'll bet he doesn't even know I was the one who pantsed him. I'll bet he thinks I'm some sort of coward for not fighting those two goons he was with.
SZR: That doesn't sound like you.
Alex Richards: Like I said earlier Zach. I have the power to make myself invisible. These guys had powers too. I wasn't going to take on the pair of them together without figuring out what they can do first. Especially not in my bar in front of normals! I mean if the fight was going bad I would have just disappeared and slipped out the back door. But I would bet Sanchez is enough of an uncaring bastard that he would have ordered anyone in the bar destroyed so they didn't give away his secret. I'll bet you didn't think of that did you, Wright? Instead you're thinking Alex is some sort of coward who wouldn't even put up a fight while his bar was being destroyed. You're thinking I'm going to be an easy target this Sunday because you already have a mental edge over me. You're such a stupid bastard I bet you don't even know how you were rolling with earlier today. I'll bet you think it was just the wind that took off your pants. That you must have tripped and dropped that bottle of Zim-Quila.
SZR: Mister Wright. His name is Mister Wright. Why don't you call him that?
Alex cocks an eyebrow.
Alex Richards: Because his name isn't Edgar Wright and that's the only Mister Wright to me damnit! Edgar made Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, Scott Pilgrim versus the World, and Mash and Peas! Loved that show reminded me of food! Taylor Wright on the other hand, you don't become a Mister by being Davey Sanchez's lap dog. And a half wit lap dog at that! You don't even realize Sanchez is just using you not because you're particarly skilled at anything but because you lack imagination. You're the kind of guy who just takes everything at face value. You probably think you're gonna whip my ass because of my trim figure.
SZR: Trim figure? That must be sarcasm.
Alex Richards: See! This guys gets it! But Taylor doesn't see the fact that I'm a big, bulky, Uncle Fester looking motherfucker is gonna make it harder for him to eliminate me from the battle royal. He probably figures he'll push me out in a few seconds then I'll go to the back content and chug some Zim-Quila. Which I will. But not until I have taken everyone else out of the battle royal first! Zim-Quila is not a drink for losers! Not a drink for quitters! Not a drink for stooges! That's why I knocked out of Wright's hand. He didn't deserve to sample the harsh, burning, sweet and sour nectar of the Gods! Zim-Quila is for free thinkers! Not patsys like Wright.
Alex chuckles.
Alex Richards: Patsys kind of sounds like pantsing.
SZR: Do you have a problem with pantsing people.
Alex Richards: No, I'm really quite good at it. Observe.
Alex reaches out and pulls down Shaun's pants.
Alex Richards: Hmmm... pink boxers with hearts on them. See, much better than Wrights!
SZR: You're an asshole.
Alex Richards: Ahhh.. you remembered.
Shaun sullenly pulls up his pants glaring at his brother with intense hatred as only a brother can.
Alex Richards: Now as I was saying I'[m going to personally eliminate Taylor Wright from this battle royal because there is no way I want Scamchez to have anymore power then he already does. And titles add credibility around here. I might not be able to stop Sanchez from winning the Rising Star championship from Erin this week but I can damn sure take it away from him. And how sweet would it be that I took out his henchmen in order to earn the chance to take him out as well?
SZR: I'm not answering that.
Alex Richards: And I didn't even pants you in front of a girl! I saw the two of them drinking MY Zim-Quila.. going on a date.. and I thought nah dude she can do so much better! Hell, she would have been doing better if I got invisible and we scissored!
SZR: What?
Alex Richards: Yeah bro, I gender swap when I'm invisible.
SZR: Do you ever not get stranger?
Alex Richards: I hope I never do! Then I might become like someone like Wright. Who just follows orders without questioning. Who doesn't think for himself. If there's anyone I hate in life it's someone who doesn't think for himself! So Wright, I'm going to do you a favor this week. I'm going to set you free! I'm going to beat you so badly, beat you so completely that Sanchez will have to notice you failed. That he will have to realize his downfall started with you. Then he's going to fire you. Then you'll have no choice but to think for yourself. To do things on your own. To you this is just a match Wright, but to me it means so much more. The guardians help people. Even people who don't deserve their help. That's what I'm going to do for you Wright. That's why to you this is just a match. But to me it means so much more.
SZR: I'm curious.. You said you would refer to Edgar as Mister Wright. How about Wilbur and Orville Wright?
Alex Richards: Nah, I can invent flying machines too. I remember this one time I got a giant fan. I mean giant fan. Like 50 foot fan..
SZR: Where did you find this?
Alex Richards: It's not important... Then I got an army of buzzards attracted to string and..
SZR: That didn't work.
Alex Richards: I flew a few feet before hitting that tree. Hmm.. that reminds me, after I eliminate you from the battle royal and terminate your employment from Sanchez. That free thought thing... start small. You're not nearly as smart as I am.
Shaun lets out a stifled chuckle.
Alex Richards: What?
SZR: Nevermind.
Alex Richards: Alright if that's one of the way perhaps I should talk about some other people in the battle royal. See, it's not enough to get rid of Wright and ruin Sanchez's plan. I want the whole thing, the battle royal victory, the ensuring title victory because damnit, I'm not letting Jay Omega have all the fun and be the only Guardian with a belt! Besides maybe we can melt down the world title and the rising star championship and make some sort of super weapon!
SZR: How would you..
Alex Richards: And that's why you're not a Guardian Zach. Sorry. It's also why no one else in the battle royal is a Guardian by the way. Especially someone like Shadow Love. Who I just don't get. He's supposedly the handsome half breed, right?
SZR: That would be correct.
Alex Richards: But yet he calls himself Shadowlove because he makes love in the shadows? Why would he have to hide in the dark if he was really so handsome? Maybe he's half troll, and half goblin? He certainly reminds me of that awful movie I was watching on the big screen a few days ago, Troll 2. Although that movie makes a hell of a lot more sense than Shadowlove does. I'd rather write out the screenplay to that movie from memory then write down what he has to say. He only has one thing going for him you know what that is Zach?
SZR: A Bose sound system?
Alex Richards: What a terrible guess! I mean my jukebox kicks the crap out of that cheap piece of junk!
Alex gestures to the destroyed jukebox and then walks over and presses a button which just leads to a loud grinding noise.
Alex Richards: Okay it used to. But Shadowlove's product placements sum him up. They are a distraction. And he needs a distraction from the real him. Because beyond them.. he has... umm.. I'm really trying to say something good about Shadowlove. But I just don't see it. How successful exactly has he been in the UCI so far? He had a fluke victory over Teddy Bear last month and the people knew it was such a fluke they even gave Ted the title shot instead of him on this week's show! Besides that one win.. what did he do? He's got the hot clothes, cool stuff, hot model girlfriend. But basically he's just a poser. He's proof you can polish a turd. But why would you? I mean it's still just a turd right. The first week in the company, the easy way you were eliminated from the world title tournament. That exposed you. That showed that you ain't nearly as good as you claim to be! The mystery isn't what's bad about you. The mystery is what's good about you!
Alex does a drum roll on a nearly broken table finishing the cracked leg off and sending the table crashing to the ground.
Alex Richards: Your Asian girlfriend of course! Anyone who's culture founded all those awesome Chinese Buffets has to be pretty sweet! I think she's sort of slumming it with him though. Shadowlove looks like the kind of guy who wouldn't even touch Kung Pao Chicken. I heard him this week and I'm not even going to respond. See, I'm kind of a master of random nonsense but at least my random nonsense makes sense. His story about how I joined the Guardians? Yeah... man.. that was terrible. I could drink until I passed out, wake up still drunk, drink until I pass out again.. wake up and write down something random and it would have been better then that. Shadowlove... master of stupidity? Well I guess it's a better nickname then The Handsome half breed. You can keep that nickname. My gift to you. You might just as well get something out of the match this week. Because everyone knows you won't be getting a victory out of it!
SZR: You have got to stop underestimating people.
Alex Richards: I'm not underestimating him. I'm providing a public service to him. That's what us Guardians do. In this case he needs a reality check. He apparently has this delusion he must be the greatest wrestler on earth in spite of the fact he has never done anything to back it up. Perhaps an Alex Richards ass kicking would be just to ticket to send him crashing to reality. I am quite the expert in crashing after all.
SZR: And that's why I drive the Strange Rover.
Alex Richards: It's easier in space. Less stuff you can hit. But back to my actual point.
SZR: You have an
Alex Richards: Yes I have an actual point! Shadowlove, you're just another spoiled rich guy who thinks they are the shit because they have money. Well guess what, having money you probably never actually earned anyways don't make you better than me or anyone else. But having money is the only thing you actually have to brag about. Because without that money you wouldn't have that hot girlfriend, you wouldn't even have a job in the UCI. Money don't make you special. It's what you stand for that makes you special. And you don't stand for nothing. You want to win this week just so you can boast about it. Guess what? That ain't gonna be enough. That ain't gonna be nearly enough to get the job done. You don't realize you can't brag your way into success in wrestling, you can't buy your way into success in wrestling, you have to earn it. And you Shadowlove have far from earned it.
Alex grins, then goes into his ever present black doctor's bag and pulls out his back up boot of Zim-Quila.
Alex Richards: This is fun. Who should I do next? I guess it should be Kyle Kemp because he should probably be buried in the middle of this trash talk so he can be forgotten about. Sorry Kyle, I tried starting with you last week. Apparently that was too much pressure as you didn't say a single word before Ted Bear and myself got midevil on your lame ass. So maybe this will encourage you to at least say something. Because you know I would miss you not telling the world you're better than me. I mean that's some high comedy. Like Jay and Silent Bob high. Like Robert Downey,Jr level high! As in you got to be high to believe it!
Alex's cell phone suddenly starts chiming like a coo-coo clock.
SZR: What the hell! Pick one ring tone and stick with it! That scared the crap out of me.
Alex Richards: But that's part of the fun!
SZR: You are such an asshole.
Alex snorts as he reads the text message.
Alex Richards: I stand corrected. I just received back to back text messages from Polar and Jay who both said they were high and don't believe Kyle Kemp is better than anyone. Maybe it's only dumb stoners?
SZR: You did once get so stoned you ordered three large pizzas thinking you could finish them.
Alex Richards: That wasn't stupid, that was planning ahead for future sessions.
The ring tone goes off again.
Alex Richards: Apparently Kevin Federline thinks Karl Hemp is Betta than me. So there's one person who agrees with you, Kemp. If that counts for anything. I mean after last week's match we all learned Kyle Kemp was not better than me or Ted Bear. A few weeks prior we learned that Kyle Kemp was not even better than Wendy. I'm thinking Kyle Kemp needs a few catchphrase. Since all he apparently does is lose he clearly can't be better than anyone in the UCI. Maybe Kyle Kemp is better than kittens. Wait, that's a laugh. People like kittens. Kyle Kemp is better than Lebron? Wait no, he won the NBA Title. Kyle Kemp is not only gonna fail in winning a title in the UCI, he's even gonna fail in winning this battle royal. Kyle Kemp has no known STDS? Wait that's untrue.. Kyle Kemp has Krabs!
SZR: Damnit don't say that! The next thing you know some moron is gonna short form that and put it on a sign and then you'll really have done it.
Alex Richards: Damnit, and I thought those Kyle has Krabs chants really could have picked up. Sorry Kyle, I tried. As a guardian I tried to help you. By making you famous for something. Lord knows your wrestling ability isn't gonna make you famous. I even feel a little bad that I'm likely gonna toss you out first. But I guess if you enjoy bragging in spite of the fact you don't have near the skills to back it up I guess you had it coming. So Kyle Kemp, enjoy not being better than four more people this week. Hmm.. maybe you can become a hipster and claim you're better than people ironicly? Looks like I did help you after all. People already think you're a joke Kyle better to be laughing with them.
SZR: And you would know..
Alex Richards: Jesus.. you pant someone once and they are mad at you forever.
SZR: It was thirty minutes ago!
Alex Richards: Exactly get over it bro. Now there's only one person left in the battle royal to talk about. The man who I can help the most, Micheal. Your manager Jayson Stasiak probably got you into this battle royal. He shouldn't have. You're over matched and he doesn't care. He's using you. He doesn't care if you get hurt because it gets his name out here and helps him attract a bigger star. He told you he was the former manager of Gravedigger. Who since he isn't here I can admit it. The man was a damn fine professional wrestler, and more importantly a master of mind games. He was the type of guy who could get into the heads of his opponents and make them think more about destroying him then winning a title or winning a match. He would burn down your house. Have his gang threaten your loved ones. And it would work.
SZR: But why does Gravedigger matter in regards to your match this week?
Alex Richards: You think Jayson would manage a man like Digger if he didn't approve of what he did. If he didn't have that same streak of ruthlessness in him? So now he has a new charge, a man named Micheal who he claims he has been watching for ages. Where has he been watching Micheal actually? We all know the answer is nowhere because he's bullshitting him. How do I know he's bullshitting you, Mikey?
Alex pauses for a second.
Alex Richards: He doesn't know your last name! Now granted you don't know your last name either. I ain't gonna make fun of you for that. Concussions and brain injuries are no laughing matter. Okay fine, I think they are funny. Especially if you self medicate with a little vitamin hootch. I'm telling you you should try it! I did that once.. and wound up carrying around a rusty bed spring and claiming I was hardcore champion of the world!
Alex smiles at the memory of it.
Alex Richards: Then I actually won the hardcore championship. So it worked out for me. Now since you can't remember your last name clearly you had some sort of brain injury too. It could work out for you too. But not unless you stop letting shifty managers take advantage of you. It is quite possible you never wrestled anywhere in the world before your injury. It is quite possible your performance in your debut is closer to your potential. Here's the thing, you can obviously fight, but are you a professional fighter? There's a huge difference. This is what I'm going to help you with this week. I'm going to defeat you in that battle royal as a wake up call. I want you to see whether this is your calling, whether this is what you want to do professionally. Jayson is gonna use you as long as he can make a buck off of you. I want you to decide what you want to do for yourself. You want to be a professional wrestler? Great! If you want to go off and become a butt doctor to the stars.. that's great too. I just hope you don't want a title shot next month because that's my domain. Sorry Micheal. I'm not going to take you lightly like Shamchez did last week. Although I gotta admit I did enjoy watching you beat that fraud. But here's the problem Micheal, if you are a wrestler you don't remember it, you're doing everything by instinct, I know exactly what I'm doing. That's why I'm going to be the victor. Well that and..
Alex grins.
Alex Richards: I'll bet you were wondering why I went back and forth between joking and serious then back again. I'll bet you were wondering why I jumped all over the place here today. This is because... I am the king of the clusterfuck! And there is no bigger clusterfuck then a battle royal! In a battle royal you can be teaming up with someone.. who turns on you in an instance! Or you turn on them in an instant. Or everyone teams up on someone else in an instant! Or someone hides under the ring and tries to wait things out. Or everyone fights everyone! Or there's a tag team who turns on each other.. or doesn't or.. The possiblities are endless... and confusing. So who is a battle royal more suited towards then the Archduke of Mass Confusion. This is gonna be a mighty confusing match and that's right up my alley! Because in a match this unpredictable who else besides the man for whom unpredictable is a way of life could possibly win?
SZR: Gotta!
And with that.. Shaun returns the favor dropping the pants of the Archduke and..
SZR: Oh god! Why didn't you...
Alex Richards: I don't have anything to hide. Unlike all my opponents this week. Micheal's entire indentity is hidden, Sanchez's agenda is hidden from Wright, Kyle Kemp tries to hide the fact he isn't actually better than anyone else, and Shadowlove hides between his commercial goods.
SZR: And apparently you don't wear underwear!
Alex Richards: Like I said.. nothing to hide. Besides bet you didn't see that coming!
SZR: Fuck, I need a drink.
Alex Richards: I'll hook you up with some Zim-Quila.
Shaun gulps deeply from the bottle as Alex finishes his thought.
Alex Richards: I knew Zach wouldn't be able to resist doing that. So I planned ahead. What other people think is random is all part of my design. So in a match where seemingly everything is random who do you think is going to come out on top? Everyone else who hopes to luck their way to victory? Or the man who makes the randomizer his bitch? Yeah.. that's what I think too...
Scene 3: Meeting of the Minds
Jay Omega: Leave it to you.
Alex Richards: I know I'm impressed too.
Polar Phantasm: Me too. I did have the munchies.
Nightmare: He always has the munchies.
Bonnie Blue: Getting stoned makes you more angry then anything.
Nightmare: I know! That's what I like about it.
The camera pans back slightly noticing that the Guardians have gathered in the Sloshed Pit. Apparently Alex has planned ahead and this was why he met Shaun here earlier. However no one would have expected to see the Guardians instead of at a meeting table of some point be gathered around what appears to an indoor fire composed of all the broken furniture from Wright's assault on the bar. The Guardians are gathered round having what appears to be a hot dog roast.
Alex Richards: This is what makes being a Guardian great my friends! I mean Taylor Wright showed up here.. with goons.. supernatural goons at that.. and what did they manage to accomplish? They inspired a bonfire. You can't hurt us!
Bonnie Blue: I dunno. I wouldn't start a fire in my own bar personally.
Alex Richard: Eh, it's insured.
Jay Omega: In that case..
Jay gets a running start and superkicks what appears to be a moose head through a wall and into what appears to be a massive pit in the back room of the bar.
Nightmare: Was that really nessaury?
Jay Omega: What? Wrecking shit is fun.
Alex Richards: Hell yeah it is!
Alex reaches into the fire pulling out a flaming stool and tosses it through the front door.
Polar Phantasm: I'd love to help you guys destroy stuff but this meeting was called for a reason.
Nightmare: We need to discuss Timastenzi.
Polar Phantasm: Why do you always steal my lines?
Nightmare: I know you too well.
Alex Richards: Is that a new gang?
Bonnie Blue: No... it's..
Bonnie considers giving a highly technical explaination which she easily could. But then thinks about whether Alex would understand it.
Bonnie Blue: It's what caused all of our super powers. Polar's ice powers, my time control powers, Nightmare's fire power. Jay's.. nothing.
Jay Omega: Fuck you guys! Rubbing it in and all.
Alex Richards: You mean like those guys in the bar earlier? I could see the way they were glowing. They obviously had some sort of power too. Not nice guys either.
Polar Phantasm: That's exactly it! It's one thing if The Guardians have powers. We're gonna use our powers for the greater good.
Alex Richards: Or to fuck with people.
Polar Phantasm: But if other people are developing powers too that could be worrying. We need to find these guys you met earlier today Alex. Access if they are threats.
Jay Omega: Fuck it! Let's just kick their asses.
Nightmare: I'm on board with that. But is it because you're just jealous they have powers..
Jay Omega: Fuck you too!
Polar Phantasm: Enough! This is serious!
At this point a man walks in long, dirty matted hair which is normally blonde now a red color from the blood. A large, angry looking cut across his face.
Bonnie Blue: What happened to that guy?
Alex Richards: Oh.. him. That's Dirty Danny. He's a member of the Aztec Warriors. He's always getting his ass kicked because he's not much of a fighter. He breaks into people's houses while they are sleeping and steals shit. Money, information, goods, you name it.
Jay Omega: Why's he called Dirty Danny?
Alex Richards: Takes pictures of people while they are sleeping and posts them on the internet.
Bonnie Blue: Can I kick his ass next?
Nightmare: Me too.
Polar Phantasm: Maybe later. Is that a worse beating than usual Alex?
Alex Richards: Yeah, I guess it is.
Polar Phatasm: Hey.. Danny..
The man comes out looking suspicious. He relaxes slightly when he notices Alex.
Dirty Danny: Hi Alex. What up brother?
Alex Richards: You ain't my...
Polar Phantasm: What happened to you?
Dirty Danny: You ain't the cops are you?
Polar Phantasm: Do we look like cops?
Dirty Danny: Well I was climbing this balcony and this guy. At least I think it was a guy leapt up.. at least 20 feet off the ground. He threw him right onto the cement! I'm lucky he didn't kill me! I dunno what the fuck happened. Maybe I shoulda been drinking so much before work. I mean that couldn't have actually happened could it?
Alex Richards: Of course not. You probably just slipped and was seeing stars. It happens I should know. Go see Zach over at the bar and get a drink on me.
Dirty Danny walks off in search of the bar as Bonnie looks at Alex dubiously.
Bonnie Blue: You're friends with THAT guy?
Alex Richards: No, I keep tabs on that guy. You never know when it could come in handy.
Nightmare: Wait.. that was fresh blood. That means whatever supernatural got him.. could still be close.
Polar Phantasm: Yeah.. you right. Let's get out there Guardians and split up! If there's a rogue supernatural in the area one of us can certainly find them!
Jay Omega: Then what?
Bonnie Blue: Depends on what they are doing.
Alex Richards: I was gonna say get em drunk.
Nightmare: Is that your solution for everything?
Alex Richards: Go with what works.
Polar Phantasm: Alright, time is wasting. Let split up and see what we can find.
The Guardians promptly split up each heading out of the Sloshed Pit in a different direction in search of their man as the scene fades out.
Part 1: Greetings From Wicker Park
We hear whistling but don't see anyone. This of course means Alex, or Alexa rather, Richards is making his or her rather, presence felt. We see a run down but recently rebuilt coffee shop on the left with many younger people inside drinking coffee and chatting..
Alexa Richards: I can't believe coffee houses caught on. Especially considering..
Inside you can see an open mic night in progress. A man dressed all in black is speaking.
Man: Desolation! Destruction! A Big Mac! Corporations! Caring! Uncaring! Deliver us from evil!
Alexa Richards: I mean.. how can you be entertained by a guy like that without alcohol? And coffee something that makes you more awake and alert to hear that? I mean as a native of Chicago and a resident of Wicker Park I'm ashamed.
And with that.. the door swings open seemingly because of the wind and the mic is quickly unplugged. The door swings open again and the man goes silent looking around as to see what happened.
Alexa Richards: This is my city. I'm a gonna protect it from crap like that. Speaking of which where the hell did Wright go anyways. |I promised I would see him first and I always keep my promises.
The invisible Alex continues to look around as she notices people she stops talking to himself. Alexa turns down a less crowded more seedy back street where she spies a lone woman hurrying down the dusky, poorly lit road pursued by two lanky man of Latino background. The shorter one pulls out a knife.
Thug 1: Hey mommy, you gonna give me that purse or do I have to beg for it?
Thug 2 laughs.
Thug 2: He don't beg well.
The terrified women screams however the knife flies from the hand of the first thug. Both thugs stoop to pick it up and their heads smash together. The woman runs getting a good enough head start to escape. A chuckle is heard in spite of the fact the two wantabe muggers see no one.
Juan... Carlos.. you fucked up again?
A taller, obviously more in charge man steps out of the alley flanked by four other men all wearing gang colours.
Leader: This is the thanks I get? Letting you two fools join the Wicker Riders? Out of the goodness of my heart. You know we have to have that money. You know this is a rough neighbourhood and we have to have weapons to survive. I think it's time we teach you just how rough things can get.
The group turn on their own savagely stomping and kicking the two newcomers of the gang. Alexa however figuring they had it coming simply walks away as the gang version of justice continues. One man beating them with what appears to be a tire iron. Meanwhile the search for Wright continues as Alexa spots a large barrel fire with a large group huddled around it talking in rough language but seemingly in a good mood.
Alexa Richards: Nah, this wouldn't be Taylor's scene at all. They are all too happy. Where could he be?
Alexa continues her tour of Wicker Park spotting something Alex would have liked. A large group of people in what appears to be a basketball court. But it doesn't appear to be basketball they are playing. Two men stand in the centre of a circle of people slugging it out back and forth as the others cheer them on and place bets. Alexa quietly wonders.
Alexa Richards: You think they would let me fight while invisible? Probably be unfair. Not much fun fighting if there's no chance of getting hurt. Not sporting.
Alexa spots a basketball and dunks it on the way out surprisingly the smaller guy who had his larger opponent in a headlock. He looks over and then is decimated by a kick out of nowhere.
Alexa Richards: Oops.. I just wanted to see what it felt like to dunk. Alex can't dunk. Ah well us big guys gotta stick together.
Alexa passes several old school Chicago mafia looking types including a goon with a baseball bat who looks to be getting instructions before finally spotting a firmilar looking car.
Alexa Richards: See.. this is why it pays off to be a Guardian.. according to our intel that's David Sanchez's company car. That means it'll take me right to Wright. Now to hitch a ride..
A loud thump is heard as something or someone jumps onto the back trunk of the vehicle. The driver doesn't notice perhaps chaulking it up to something happening in the rough neighbourhood. Alexa softly chuckles thinking of what she's going to do to Wright as the scene fades out..
Scene 2: Land of Confusion
Alex Richards: Hey Erin Fausse how did it feel when this ape like creature booted you in the skull knocking you down and out during our tag match last week? Bet you felt pretty stupid after boasting how you destroyed my dreams and embarassed me in the first week of the UCI didn't it? Why am I pointing this out Erin, I just want to let you know that WHEN, I didn't say if I said WHEN, I win this five man battle royal at Election Day I'll be coming for your rising star championship.
Alex grins.
Alex Richards: Unless you lose to the Mayor. Then it'll be my pleasure to dethrone him of the championship the same way I'm eventually gonna dethrone him as mayor.
Wait a minute! You're just going to ignore it.
The voice of Alex's brother and personal cameraman Shaun Zach rings out, he spins the camera around as if to prove his point. Revealing a dismantled, still smoking jukebox. An oozing, sludgy mixture of alcohols dripping out from behind the bar. Assorted shattered bar stools and tables. Destroyed mirrors. Even the pool table and most of the pool cues are shattered. Alex shrugs.
Alex Richards: Now about that battle royal.
SZR: You can't be serious! You disappear for several weeks without calling!
Alex Richards: I was off on Guardian business. You wouldn't understand.
SZR: You could have at least called! I was worried.
Alex looks a little ashamed.
Alex Richards: I'm sorry bro.
SZR: Then you text me out of the blue that you're gonna go fuck Wright up right round like a pizza which by the way isn't even how the song goes.
Alex Richards: It is in the Temporal Wonkiness version of the song. It's way better. Plus they cover all of Jay Omega's remixes of songs. I don't know why you're worried about the bar though. I got insurance.
SZR: You didn't get insurance. I got insurance.
Alex Richards: You got full coverage, right? You got walk away insurance. You got flood insurance. You got act of god insurance. You even got riot insurance.
SZR: Of course I did. You're.. well you.
Alex Richards: And who caused that riot.
SZR: You did... of course.
Alex Richards: See and it's a good thing I did. So problem solved.. thanks to me.
SZR: Starting a riot?
Alex Richards: Now you're seeing things my way!
SZR: No, I just don't want to argue nonsense.
Alex Richards: You know how often I get that..
SZR: I'm your brother of course I do!
Alex Richards: Then you oughta know I roll.. tonight it was in broken glass.
SZR: That would explain the blood.
Alex Richards: I had to roll in broken glass. I need booze to make myself invisible.
SZR: Oh god, you somehow got even worse while you were gone. Is it possible the guardians are a bad influence on you?
Alex Richards: Nah, I'm a bad influence on them. I even challenged Bonnie to a donuts in space contest! But really Zach, there's nothing to talk about. Wright and a couple of goons came here to try and convince me to join up with Mayor Sanchez.
SZR: You didn't..
Alex Richards: Of course not. Do you think I'm stupid?
SZR: Lots of people do. But I know better.
Alex Richards: So the goons with Wright trashed the bar. But like I told you.. I went and fucked up Wright. I told you I'd see you first didn't I, Wright? And those plain blue boxers. You could have at least sprang for the Care bear drawers in ironic support of Sanchez. I'll bet he doesn't even know I was the one who pantsed him. I'll bet he thinks I'm some sort of coward for not fighting those two goons he was with.
SZR: That doesn't sound like you.
Alex Richards: Like I said earlier Zach. I have the power to make myself invisible. These guys had powers too. I wasn't going to take on the pair of them together without figuring out what they can do first. Especially not in my bar in front of normals! I mean if the fight was going bad I would have just disappeared and slipped out the back door. But I would bet Sanchez is enough of an uncaring bastard that he would have ordered anyone in the bar destroyed so they didn't give away his secret. I'll bet you didn't think of that did you, Wright? Instead you're thinking Alex is some sort of coward who wouldn't even put up a fight while his bar was being destroyed. You're thinking I'm going to be an easy target this Sunday because you already have a mental edge over me. You're such a stupid bastard I bet you don't even know how you were rolling with earlier today. I'll bet you think it was just the wind that took off your pants. That you must have tripped and dropped that bottle of Zim-Quila.
SZR: Mister Wright. His name is Mister Wright. Why don't you call him that?
Alex cocks an eyebrow.
Alex Richards: Because his name isn't Edgar Wright and that's the only Mister Wright to me damnit! Edgar made Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, Scott Pilgrim versus the World, and Mash and Peas! Loved that show reminded me of food! Taylor Wright on the other hand, you don't become a Mister by being Davey Sanchez's lap dog. And a half wit lap dog at that! You don't even realize Sanchez is just using you not because you're particarly skilled at anything but because you lack imagination. You're the kind of guy who just takes everything at face value. You probably think you're gonna whip my ass because of my trim figure.
SZR: Trim figure? That must be sarcasm.
Alex Richards: See! This guys gets it! But Taylor doesn't see the fact that I'm a big, bulky, Uncle Fester looking motherfucker is gonna make it harder for him to eliminate me from the battle royal. He probably figures he'll push me out in a few seconds then I'll go to the back content and chug some Zim-Quila. Which I will. But not until I have taken everyone else out of the battle royal first! Zim-Quila is not a drink for losers! Not a drink for quitters! Not a drink for stooges! That's why I knocked out of Wright's hand. He didn't deserve to sample the harsh, burning, sweet and sour nectar of the Gods! Zim-Quila is for free thinkers! Not patsys like Wright.
Alex chuckles.
Alex Richards: Patsys kind of sounds like pantsing.
SZR: Do you have a problem with pantsing people.
Alex Richards: No, I'm really quite good at it. Observe.
Alex reaches out and pulls down Shaun's pants.
Alex Richards: Hmmm... pink boxers with hearts on them. See, much better than Wrights!
SZR: You're an asshole.
Alex Richards: Ahhh.. you remembered.
Shaun sullenly pulls up his pants glaring at his brother with intense hatred as only a brother can.
Alex Richards: Now as I was saying I'[m going to personally eliminate Taylor Wright from this battle royal because there is no way I want Scamchez to have anymore power then he already does. And titles add credibility around here. I might not be able to stop Sanchez from winning the Rising Star championship from Erin this week but I can damn sure take it away from him. And how sweet would it be that I took out his henchmen in order to earn the chance to take him out as well?
SZR: I'm not answering that.
Alex Richards: And I didn't even pants you in front of a girl! I saw the two of them drinking MY Zim-Quila.. going on a date.. and I thought nah dude she can do so much better! Hell, she would have been doing better if I got invisible and we scissored!
SZR: What?
Alex Richards: Yeah bro, I gender swap when I'm invisible.
SZR: Do you ever not get stranger?
Alex Richards: I hope I never do! Then I might become like someone like Wright. Who just follows orders without questioning. Who doesn't think for himself. If there's anyone I hate in life it's someone who doesn't think for himself! So Wright, I'm going to do you a favor this week. I'm going to set you free! I'm going to beat you so badly, beat you so completely that Sanchez will have to notice you failed. That he will have to realize his downfall started with you. Then he's going to fire you. Then you'll have no choice but to think for yourself. To do things on your own. To you this is just a match Wright, but to me it means so much more. The guardians help people. Even people who don't deserve their help. That's what I'm going to do for you Wright. That's why to you this is just a match. But to me it means so much more.
SZR: I'm curious.. You said you would refer to Edgar as Mister Wright. How about Wilbur and Orville Wright?
Alex Richards: Nah, I can invent flying machines too. I remember this one time I got a giant fan. I mean giant fan. Like 50 foot fan..
SZR: Where did you find this?
Alex Richards: It's not important... Then I got an army of buzzards attracted to string and..
SZR: That didn't work.
Alex Richards: I flew a few feet before hitting that tree. Hmm.. that reminds me, after I eliminate you from the battle royal and terminate your employment from Sanchez. That free thought thing... start small. You're not nearly as smart as I am.
Shaun lets out a stifled chuckle.
Alex Richards: What?
SZR: Nevermind.
Alex Richards: Alright if that's one of the way perhaps I should talk about some other people in the battle royal. See, it's not enough to get rid of Wright and ruin Sanchez's plan. I want the whole thing, the battle royal victory, the ensuring title victory because damnit, I'm not letting Jay Omega have all the fun and be the only Guardian with a belt! Besides maybe we can melt down the world title and the rising star championship and make some sort of super weapon!
SZR: How would you..
Alex Richards: And that's why you're not a Guardian Zach. Sorry. It's also why no one else in the battle royal is a Guardian by the way. Especially someone like Shadow Love. Who I just don't get. He's supposedly the handsome half breed, right?
SZR: That would be correct.
Alex Richards: But yet he calls himself Shadowlove because he makes love in the shadows? Why would he have to hide in the dark if he was really so handsome? Maybe he's half troll, and half goblin? He certainly reminds me of that awful movie I was watching on the big screen a few days ago, Troll 2. Although that movie makes a hell of a lot more sense than Shadowlove does. I'd rather write out the screenplay to that movie from memory then write down what he has to say. He only has one thing going for him you know what that is Zach?
SZR: A Bose sound system?
Alex Richards: What a terrible guess! I mean my jukebox kicks the crap out of that cheap piece of junk!
Alex gestures to the destroyed jukebox and then walks over and presses a button which just leads to a loud grinding noise.
Alex Richards: Okay it used to. But Shadowlove's product placements sum him up. They are a distraction. And he needs a distraction from the real him. Because beyond them.. he has... umm.. I'm really trying to say something good about Shadowlove. But I just don't see it. How successful exactly has he been in the UCI so far? He had a fluke victory over Teddy Bear last month and the people knew it was such a fluke they even gave Ted the title shot instead of him on this week's show! Besides that one win.. what did he do? He's got the hot clothes, cool stuff, hot model girlfriend. But basically he's just a poser. He's proof you can polish a turd. But why would you? I mean it's still just a turd right. The first week in the company, the easy way you were eliminated from the world title tournament. That exposed you. That showed that you ain't nearly as good as you claim to be! The mystery isn't what's bad about you. The mystery is what's good about you!
Alex does a drum roll on a nearly broken table finishing the cracked leg off and sending the table crashing to the ground.
Alex Richards: Your Asian girlfriend of course! Anyone who's culture founded all those awesome Chinese Buffets has to be pretty sweet! I think she's sort of slumming it with him though. Shadowlove looks like the kind of guy who wouldn't even touch Kung Pao Chicken. I heard him this week and I'm not even going to respond. See, I'm kind of a master of random nonsense but at least my random nonsense makes sense. His story about how I joined the Guardians? Yeah... man.. that was terrible. I could drink until I passed out, wake up still drunk, drink until I pass out again.. wake up and write down something random and it would have been better then that. Shadowlove... master of stupidity? Well I guess it's a better nickname then The Handsome half breed. You can keep that nickname. My gift to you. You might just as well get something out of the match this week. Because everyone knows you won't be getting a victory out of it!
SZR: You have got to stop underestimating people.
Alex Richards: I'm not underestimating him. I'm providing a public service to him. That's what us Guardians do. In this case he needs a reality check. He apparently has this delusion he must be the greatest wrestler on earth in spite of the fact he has never done anything to back it up. Perhaps an Alex Richards ass kicking would be just to ticket to send him crashing to reality. I am quite the expert in crashing after all.
SZR: And that's why I drive the Strange Rover.
Alex Richards: It's easier in space. Less stuff you can hit. But back to my actual point.
SZR: You have an
Alex Richards: Yes I have an actual point! Shadowlove, you're just another spoiled rich guy who thinks they are the shit because they have money. Well guess what, having money you probably never actually earned anyways don't make you better than me or anyone else. But having money is the only thing you actually have to brag about. Because without that money you wouldn't have that hot girlfriend, you wouldn't even have a job in the UCI. Money don't make you special. It's what you stand for that makes you special. And you don't stand for nothing. You want to win this week just so you can boast about it. Guess what? That ain't gonna be enough. That ain't gonna be nearly enough to get the job done. You don't realize you can't brag your way into success in wrestling, you can't buy your way into success in wrestling, you have to earn it. And you Shadowlove have far from earned it.
Alex grins, then goes into his ever present black doctor's bag and pulls out his back up boot of Zim-Quila.
Alex Richards: This is fun. Who should I do next? I guess it should be Kyle Kemp because he should probably be buried in the middle of this trash talk so he can be forgotten about. Sorry Kyle, I tried starting with you last week. Apparently that was too much pressure as you didn't say a single word before Ted Bear and myself got midevil on your lame ass. So maybe this will encourage you to at least say something. Because you know I would miss you not telling the world you're better than me. I mean that's some high comedy. Like Jay and Silent Bob high. Like Robert Downey,Jr level high! As in you got to be high to believe it!
Alex's cell phone suddenly starts chiming like a coo-coo clock.
SZR: What the hell! Pick one ring tone and stick with it! That scared the crap out of me.
Alex Richards: But that's part of the fun!
SZR: You are such an asshole.
Alex snorts as he reads the text message.
Alex Richards: I stand corrected. I just received back to back text messages from Polar and Jay who both said they were high and don't believe Kyle Kemp is better than anyone. Maybe it's only dumb stoners?
SZR: You did once get so stoned you ordered three large pizzas thinking you could finish them.
Alex Richards: That wasn't stupid, that was planning ahead for future sessions.
The ring tone goes off again.
Alex Richards: Apparently Kevin Federline thinks Karl Hemp is Betta than me. So there's one person who agrees with you, Kemp. If that counts for anything. I mean after last week's match we all learned Kyle Kemp was not better than me or Ted Bear. A few weeks prior we learned that Kyle Kemp was not even better than Wendy. I'm thinking Kyle Kemp needs a few catchphrase. Since all he apparently does is lose he clearly can't be better than anyone in the UCI. Maybe Kyle Kemp is better than kittens. Wait, that's a laugh. People like kittens. Kyle Kemp is better than Lebron? Wait no, he won the NBA Title. Kyle Kemp is not only gonna fail in winning a title in the UCI, he's even gonna fail in winning this battle royal. Kyle Kemp has no known STDS? Wait that's untrue.. Kyle Kemp has Krabs!
SZR: Damnit don't say that! The next thing you know some moron is gonna short form that and put it on a sign and then you'll really have done it.
Alex Richards: Damnit, and I thought those Kyle has Krabs chants really could have picked up. Sorry Kyle, I tried. As a guardian I tried to help you. By making you famous for something. Lord knows your wrestling ability isn't gonna make you famous. I even feel a little bad that I'm likely gonna toss you out first. But I guess if you enjoy bragging in spite of the fact you don't have near the skills to back it up I guess you had it coming. So Kyle Kemp, enjoy not being better than four more people this week. Hmm.. maybe you can become a hipster and claim you're better than people ironicly? Looks like I did help you after all. People already think you're a joke Kyle better to be laughing with them.
SZR: And you would know..
Alex Richards: Jesus.. you pant someone once and they are mad at you forever.
SZR: It was thirty minutes ago!
Alex Richards: Exactly get over it bro. Now there's only one person left in the battle royal to talk about. The man who I can help the most, Micheal. Your manager Jayson Stasiak probably got you into this battle royal. He shouldn't have. You're over matched and he doesn't care. He's using you. He doesn't care if you get hurt because it gets his name out here and helps him attract a bigger star. He told you he was the former manager of Gravedigger. Who since he isn't here I can admit it. The man was a damn fine professional wrestler, and more importantly a master of mind games. He was the type of guy who could get into the heads of his opponents and make them think more about destroying him then winning a title or winning a match. He would burn down your house. Have his gang threaten your loved ones. And it would work.
SZR: But why does Gravedigger matter in regards to your match this week?
Alex Richards: You think Jayson would manage a man like Digger if he didn't approve of what he did. If he didn't have that same streak of ruthlessness in him? So now he has a new charge, a man named Micheal who he claims he has been watching for ages. Where has he been watching Micheal actually? We all know the answer is nowhere because he's bullshitting him. How do I know he's bullshitting you, Mikey?
Alex pauses for a second.
Alex Richards: He doesn't know your last name! Now granted you don't know your last name either. I ain't gonna make fun of you for that. Concussions and brain injuries are no laughing matter. Okay fine, I think they are funny. Especially if you self medicate with a little vitamin hootch. I'm telling you you should try it! I did that once.. and wound up carrying around a rusty bed spring and claiming I was hardcore champion of the world!
Alex smiles at the memory of it.
Alex Richards: Then I actually won the hardcore championship. So it worked out for me. Now since you can't remember your last name clearly you had some sort of brain injury too. It could work out for you too. But not unless you stop letting shifty managers take advantage of you. It is quite possible you never wrestled anywhere in the world before your injury. It is quite possible your performance in your debut is closer to your potential. Here's the thing, you can obviously fight, but are you a professional fighter? There's a huge difference. This is what I'm going to help you with this week. I'm going to defeat you in that battle royal as a wake up call. I want you to see whether this is your calling, whether this is what you want to do professionally. Jayson is gonna use you as long as he can make a buck off of you. I want you to decide what you want to do for yourself. You want to be a professional wrestler? Great! If you want to go off and become a butt doctor to the stars.. that's great too. I just hope you don't want a title shot next month because that's my domain. Sorry Micheal. I'm not going to take you lightly like Shamchez did last week. Although I gotta admit I did enjoy watching you beat that fraud. But here's the problem Micheal, if you are a wrestler you don't remember it, you're doing everything by instinct, I know exactly what I'm doing. That's why I'm going to be the victor. Well that and..
Alex grins.
Alex Richards: I'll bet you were wondering why I went back and forth between joking and serious then back again. I'll bet you were wondering why I jumped all over the place here today. This is because... I am the king of the clusterfuck! And there is no bigger clusterfuck then a battle royal! In a battle royal you can be teaming up with someone.. who turns on you in an instance! Or you turn on them in an instant. Or everyone teams up on someone else in an instant! Or someone hides under the ring and tries to wait things out. Or everyone fights everyone! Or there's a tag team who turns on each other.. or doesn't or.. The possiblities are endless... and confusing. So who is a battle royal more suited towards then the Archduke of Mass Confusion. This is gonna be a mighty confusing match and that's right up my alley! Because in a match this unpredictable who else besides the man for whom unpredictable is a way of life could possibly win?
SZR: Gotta!
And with that.. Shaun returns the favor dropping the pants of the Archduke and..
SZR: Oh god! Why didn't you...
Alex Richards: I don't have anything to hide. Unlike all my opponents this week. Micheal's entire indentity is hidden, Sanchez's agenda is hidden from Wright, Kyle Kemp tries to hide the fact he isn't actually better than anyone else, and Shadowlove hides between his commercial goods.
SZR: And apparently you don't wear underwear!
Alex Richards: Like I said.. nothing to hide. Besides bet you didn't see that coming!
SZR: Fuck, I need a drink.
Alex Richards: I'll hook you up with some Zim-Quila.
Shaun gulps deeply from the bottle as Alex finishes his thought.
Alex Richards: I knew Zach wouldn't be able to resist doing that. So I planned ahead. What other people think is random is all part of my design. So in a match where seemingly everything is random who do you think is going to come out on top? Everyone else who hopes to luck their way to victory? Or the man who makes the randomizer his bitch? Yeah.. that's what I think too...
Scene 3: Meeting of the Minds
Jay Omega: Leave it to you.
Alex Richards: I know I'm impressed too.
Polar Phantasm: Me too. I did have the munchies.
Nightmare: He always has the munchies.
Bonnie Blue: Getting stoned makes you more angry then anything.
Nightmare: I know! That's what I like about it.
The camera pans back slightly noticing that the Guardians have gathered in the Sloshed Pit. Apparently Alex has planned ahead and this was why he met Shaun here earlier. However no one would have expected to see the Guardians instead of at a meeting table of some point be gathered around what appears to an indoor fire composed of all the broken furniture from Wright's assault on the bar. The Guardians are gathered round having what appears to be a hot dog roast.
Alex Richards: This is what makes being a Guardian great my friends! I mean Taylor Wright showed up here.. with goons.. supernatural goons at that.. and what did they manage to accomplish? They inspired a bonfire. You can't hurt us!
Bonnie Blue: I dunno. I wouldn't start a fire in my own bar personally.
Alex Richard: Eh, it's insured.
Jay Omega: In that case..
Jay gets a running start and superkicks what appears to be a moose head through a wall and into what appears to be a massive pit in the back room of the bar.
Nightmare: Was that really nessaury?
Jay Omega: What? Wrecking shit is fun.
Alex Richards: Hell yeah it is!
Alex reaches into the fire pulling out a flaming stool and tosses it through the front door.
Polar Phantasm: I'd love to help you guys destroy stuff but this meeting was called for a reason.
Nightmare: We need to discuss Timastenzi.
Polar Phantasm: Why do you always steal my lines?
Nightmare: I know you too well.
Alex Richards: Is that a new gang?
Bonnie Blue: No... it's..
Bonnie considers giving a highly technical explaination which she easily could. But then thinks about whether Alex would understand it.
Bonnie Blue: It's what caused all of our super powers. Polar's ice powers, my time control powers, Nightmare's fire power. Jay's.. nothing.
Jay Omega: Fuck you guys! Rubbing it in and all.
Alex Richards: You mean like those guys in the bar earlier? I could see the way they were glowing. They obviously had some sort of power too. Not nice guys either.
Polar Phantasm: That's exactly it! It's one thing if The Guardians have powers. We're gonna use our powers for the greater good.
Alex Richards: Or to fuck with people.
Polar Phantasm: But if other people are developing powers too that could be worrying. We need to find these guys you met earlier today Alex. Access if they are threats.
Jay Omega: Fuck it! Let's just kick their asses.
Nightmare: I'm on board with that. But is it because you're just jealous they have powers..
Jay Omega: Fuck you too!
Polar Phantasm: Enough! This is serious!
At this point a man walks in long, dirty matted hair which is normally blonde now a red color from the blood. A large, angry looking cut across his face.
Bonnie Blue: What happened to that guy?
Alex Richards: Oh.. him. That's Dirty Danny. He's a member of the Aztec Warriors. He's always getting his ass kicked because he's not much of a fighter. He breaks into people's houses while they are sleeping and steals shit. Money, information, goods, you name it.
Jay Omega: Why's he called Dirty Danny?
Alex Richards: Takes pictures of people while they are sleeping and posts them on the internet.
Bonnie Blue: Can I kick his ass next?
Nightmare: Me too.
Polar Phantasm: Maybe later. Is that a worse beating than usual Alex?
Alex Richards: Yeah, I guess it is.
Polar Phatasm: Hey.. Danny..
The man comes out looking suspicious. He relaxes slightly when he notices Alex.
Dirty Danny: Hi Alex. What up brother?
Alex Richards: You ain't my...
Polar Phantasm: What happened to you?
Dirty Danny: You ain't the cops are you?
Polar Phantasm: Do we look like cops?
Dirty Danny: Well I was climbing this balcony and this guy. At least I think it was a guy leapt up.. at least 20 feet off the ground. He threw him right onto the cement! I'm lucky he didn't kill me! I dunno what the fuck happened. Maybe I shoulda been drinking so much before work. I mean that couldn't have actually happened could it?
Alex Richards: Of course not. You probably just slipped and was seeing stars. It happens I should know. Go see Zach over at the bar and get a drink on me.
Dirty Danny walks off in search of the bar as Bonnie looks at Alex dubiously.
Bonnie Blue: You're friends with THAT guy?
Alex Richards: No, I keep tabs on that guy. You never know when it could come in handy.
Nightmare: Wait.. that was fresh blood. That means whatever supernatural got him.. could still be close.
Polar Phantasm: Yeah.. you right. Let's get out there Guardians and split up! If there's a rogue supernatural in the area one of us can certainly find them!
Jay Omega: Then what?
Bonnie Blue: Depends on what they are doing.
Alex Richards: I was gonna say get em drunk.
Nightmare: Is that your solution for everything?
Alex Richards: Go with what works.
Polar Phantasm: Alright, time is wasting. Let split up and see what we can find.
The Guardians promptly split up each heading out of the Sloshed Pit in a different direction in search of their man as the scene fades out.