The Amazing Invisible Archduchess (2 of 4)
Jun 19, 2016 8:06:19 GMT -6
The Polar Phantasm likes this
Post by Alex Richards on Jun 19, 2016 8:06:19 GMT -6
Scene 1- Disappearing Act
After just having been booted out into the hallway The Omega Man and the Archduke of Mass Confusion head off in search of..
Jay Omega: We need some green.
Did you really expect anything else?
Alex Richards: We need to file a sexual discrimination complaint. They kicked us out just because we weren't girls!
Jay Omega: Who exactly would you file that compliant with? There's rampant discrimination against males on the space dragon?
Alex Richards: There's gotta be some sort of space equality movement.
Jay Omega: You do know if you stayed it would have just lead to Nightmare kicking your ass and literally throwing you out right? And probably Bonnie too. Since they have been getting along a lot better lately.
Alex Richards: I know.. it's the principle of the matter. Besides I just wanted to see how liquid became clothes. It's for science! That it would it be bad ass to have a zoot suit made out of Zim-Quila!
Jay Omega: I don't think that liquid would make good clothes. Mainly because... it's flammable!
The Archduke seems slightly offended.
Alex Richards: It's still in testing!
Jay Omega: No, it isn't. You just made it up.
Alex Richards: Fine.. I'll test it myself. I'll just go back to the Strange Rover and test it out.
Jay seems ready to say something to the contrary. But then a devilish smile crosses his face.
Jay Omega: I'll go ahead and meet you in the crew lounge. But I gotta warn ya don't take too long or it might be all smoked out!
Jay heads off into the direction of the lounge as Alex rushes off like an out of control buffalo crashing his way down the hallway towards the Rover. Which he quickly enters beelining his way towards the bedroom where he opens up his closet which is of course filled with items goodwill would have rejected due to their absolute hideousness. He pulls out his zoot suit and quickly changes into it before considering the gravity of the situation.
Alex Richards: This is gonna waste at least a 60 of Zim-Quila. That could get me.. slightly buzzed. Okay slightly more buzzed. I'm already pretty buzzed. But it just feels like a waste of precious booze. Although on the other hand my Strange Rover not only runs on Zim-Quila but also creates it. And you can't drink it as fast as the Rover makes me. Trust me I tried before.. Hmm.. I could do that. Nope! Must... show... up... Jay Omega! Besides even if this doesn't work Zim-Quila cologne is still the best scent ever!
This “plan” containing no sound logic of any kind is obviously destined for failure. Because what exactly would be considered a success? Alex goes into the nightstand beside his bed..
Alex Richards: Ah, my good morning 60! Better than coffee any day of the week.
Alex considers... then goes back to the closet pulling out his finest, or at least closest drinking boot, and dumps the bottle into it.. he takes a sip, then a gulp, then dumps the rest on his own head the liquor dripping down his face and onto the ugly zoot suit. To his credit the alcohol might actually improve it. Alex turns towards the mirror to check himself out.
Alex Richards: What the fuck? Where did I go?
Alex looks into the mirror and sees no one.
Alex Richards: Fucking Omega. Putting a trick mirror in my room. You gotta do better than that to confuse the archduke of mass confusion! I'll disprove this theory.
Alex tosses his now empty boot at the mirror which cracks it. You can see the discarded boot in the mirror but you still can't see Alex.
Alex Richards: No fucking way! Zim-Quila makes people invisible? Is there anything it can't do? Wait until I tell Jay... after I fuck with him a bit first..
Alex thinks for a moment.. at least we think he's thinking it's hard to tell considering he's invisible! We then hear footsteps and the door to the bathroom opens
Alex Richards: And people think it's stupid to keep emergency booze in the toilet tank.
A bottle of Zim-Quila floats through the air seemingly by itself before turning sideways and dousing the now once again visible Alex Richards who's ugly mug finally reappears in the cracked mirror.
Alex Richards: I think I just made science my bitch. This... has... serious possibilities.
Scene 2- Hide and Seek
Alex finds his way to the crew lounge after only a few wrong turns and spies Jay Omega standing on the long, purple couch, or at least it would be a couch if the fabric didn't appear to be made out of some strong, jello like substance. The couch shakes as Jay uses it as a stage as he preforms what appears to be his own version of Rockwell's Somebody's Watching Me. Alex walks in grinning.
Alex Richards: So when are we gonna do that duet?
Jay Omega: Xor willing never!
Alex Richards: Why not? You heard my singing on Spencer's Mom?
Jay Omega: Yeah... and that's exactly why. Fuck, with all the dogs committing suicide after hearing your pitch the lawsuits alone would be enough to bankrupt... Well not me.. probably Wentworth though.
Alex Richards: You're intimidated with my talent aren't you?
Jay Omega: Yeah... that's totally it.
Alex Richards: I get that a lot.
Alex obviously either missed or ignored Jay's sarcasm but Jay perhaps with visions of a horrific sing off with Alex chooses not to broach the topic again.
Alex Richards: Wait a sec... I think you had weed here.
Jay Omega: Smoked it all.
Alex Richards: You smoked it all that quickly?
Jay grins noticing his friend's disappointment before laughing.
Jay Omega: I would have.. but Polar must have found my slash first. I swear to Buddha he's got a green nose or something. You just can't hide it from him!
Alex Richards: That's a good idea.
Jay Omega: What is?
Alex Richards: Hide and Seek.
Jay Omega: You want to play a kid's game?
Alex Richards: Of course not. When you find the other person you get to punch them as hard as you can!
Jay Omega: So basically this is an excuse for us to beat the crap out of each other?
Alex Richards: And destroy property. If we can't get shit faced why not a punch to the face?
Jay Omega: I like the way you think.
Alex Richards: I'll even hide first.
Jay Omega: You do know not finding pot makes me angry right?
Alex Richards: Then I better run. You close your eyes and count to ten..
Jay Omega: Not much of a head start is it?
Jay closes his eyes and begins to count. Alex meanwhile simply reaches into his doctor's bag.. and pulls out his Zim-Quila which he pours on himself just before Jay reaches the count of ten..
Jay Omega: Ready or not.. Here I come...
Jay wrinkles his nose and looks around.
Jay Omega: I know you have to be close. I can smell your booze. Quite frankly I'm shocked you didn't stop to lap it up.
I have plenty! I'm drinking some right now!
Jay snaps to attention, looking around the room and seeing no one. He looks in the closet.. no luck.. He hears laughter.
Jay Omega: Might as well give up. I'm gonna find you.
Jay pulls the “cushion” or ooze off the couch but Alex isn't hiding under that. He walks towards the fridge only to fall flat on his face.
Jay Omega: What in Hades? Who tripped me?
Jay starts to grope around with his hands as the stove turns on. Shooting up a massive dragon like flame.
Jay Omega: Alex... no joking. Come back now. There appears to be some sort of weird transparent alien hitchhiker we picked up.
I'm not falling for that old trick. Besides I'm strange.. not weird.
Jay looks in disbelief as the fridge opens and a can of beer “Intergalactic Ale” floats out and opens up dumping it's contains onto the now visible Alex Richards who wipes his cheek with his finger and samples the beer.
Alex Richards: Not much good for anything else except transforming.
Jay Omega: Hold on! You're telling me.. you can go invisible? Seriously? How the fuck did you do that?
Alex Richards: It's science man.
Jay Omega: You know nothing of science.
Alex Richards: I know Nicky hates it when I use his coil to roast weinies.
Jay Omega: You have got to be kidding! I'm an original guardian and you have powers?
Alex Richards: How do you know it's powers. Maybe it's the booze!
Alex goes back into the fridge and pulls out two more of the space beers. He cracks one open takes a sip, recoils from the taste
Jay Omega: You drink Zima by choice and this stuff is bad to you?
Alex Richards: It makes Nattie Ice taste like Zim-Quila in comparison. Heads up!
Alex pours the beer onto Jay's head leaving a frustrated and wet Omega Man.
Alex Richards: I didn't think I would work I just wanted to pour beer on you.
Jay in response launches and hits Alex with a nearby dictionary. Which is more impressive when you consider it's a 500 000 000 page tome proclaiming it the Every Language Ever Dictionary. Jay picks it up again.. as Alex dumps the second beer on his head going invisible again. Jay sighs, then grins. He begins to flex again and again. Going very red in the face before ripping off his own shirt.
Alex Richards: What the fuck are you doing?
Jay Omega: Trying to hulk out.. of course! Polar got ice powers, Nightmare got fire powers, Bonnie got time control, and now.. you're invisible! Maybe I got super strength or something.
Alex Richards: You already had the power to roll a joint faster than anyone else.
Jay Omega: That's not a super power! That's just practice.
Jay lets out a roar and slaps himself across the face several times trying to psyche himself up before he grabs the dictionary and attempts to tear it in two. And doesn't even come close. Frustrated he launches the heavy book as hard as he can against the wall denting it.
Jay Omega: There! I knew I had super strength!
Alex Richards: That was a heavy book..
Jay Omega: Doubt this!
Jay approaches the blue refridgerator and screams at it psyching himself up again. He grabs onto the fridge and lifts... and lifts.. and while you can see his muscles straining the massive fridge isn't moving. In frustration Jay punches the fridge. A massive blue tentacle emerges from inside smacking Jay and knocking him down!
Jay Omega: Not only do I not have super powers but I just got my ass kicked by a living fridge!
Alex laughs loudly and strangely even for him.
Jay Omega: What's up with your laugh dude?
Alex Richards: Nothing is up with my laugh. And don't call me dude, it feels wrong somehow. Maybe I got the super strength too..
Jay mutters under his breathe.
Jay Omega: You better not have.
You hear Alex grunt.. then a thud.. then the tentacle comes out again and swings several times wildly as more small thuds are heard finally a solid whap noise is heard and Jay laughs until he ends up in a heap with the invisible Richards on top of him. Jay fights to his feet an expression of wonderment on his face.
Jay Omega: Umm... Alex.. you have boobs.
Alex Richards: I do not! It's bad enough when my opponents make lame weight jokes but I expected better from you.
Jay Omega: No, you actually have boobs. Feel em if you don't believe me.
Alex Richards: This is stupid. Why would I... son of a bitch. I do have boobs. And... I have hair... long, lush, natural florencent green hair.
Jay Omega: Nobody has natural florencent green hair.
Alex Richards: How do you know? I'm invisible.. and it seems like I might be hot. I mean like instead of my usual Uncle Fester now I'm Morticia Adams hot!
Jay Omega: I'm not gonna check.
Alex Richards: Why not?
Jay Omega: Because I'm not Steven Osbourne! Feeling up another guy.. that's a little..
Alex Richards: It's for science!
Jay Omega: Still no! Think I can get Nicky to make a snake radioactive or something?
Alex Richards: You know Nicky... blah blah blah waste of my talents, no Alex I won't make your hot dog larger, just buy a foot long. What a snob. Why do you want something radioactive anyways?
Jay Omega: Gotta get my super powers somehow!
Alex Richards: What about getting bitten by a radioactive panda bear?
Jay Omega: You're not helping.
Alex Richards: What... it would be cute!
Jay Omega: Cute? Cute? That sounds... really girlish.
Alex Richards: I'm feeling more and more like a women every second. And you know how women are vendictive right?
Jay Omega: I don't know where you're going with this but..
All of the sudden the blue living fridge seems to dim slightly. We then see a giant blue battery floating around the room before dropping on the table.
Alex Richards: Yeah suck it fridge! Nobody fucks with the Guardians!
Jay walks over and kicks the fridge several times hard. Before walking back looking satisfied.
Jay Omega: I put my joint in that fridge for safekeeping. I thought Polar got it. But that fridge must have smoked it. And if nobody fucks with the Guardians certainly nobody steals the Guardians pot!
Alex Richards: This whole gender swapping thing could come in handy. You know help me understand the fairer sex better.
Jay snorts.
Jay Omega: Yeah, that will be the day.
Alex Richards: Seriously man.. I guarentee you. By the end of the week I will use my new knowledge as a chick to totally get you out of trouble.
Jay Omega: What new knowledge?
Alex Richards: Get me give you an example. Chick me doesn't like being called Alex. She wants to be called Alexa.
Jay Omega: Shouldn't she be Alexis? That is a more common name.
Alexa Richards: Nope, Alexa it is. Don't argue with women dude. They are always right.
Jay Omega: Sweet Krishna, we need to get you to a casino. You really hit the jackpot. Not only can you make yourself invisible but you can also gender swap while doing it! You know what I would do if I was a chick and invisible?
Alexa Richards: Masterbate furiously?
Alexa starts to sing “When I Think About You I Touch Myself”
Jay Omega: You know.. Alexa sings a lot better than Alex does.
Alexa Richards: I don't know if I'm offended or not.
Jay Omega: Wait a minute.. The song you're singing.. you're not..
Alexa Richards: What do you think?
Jay Omega: Right in front of me?
Alexa Richards: You can't see anything.
Jay Omega: Dude! Still! Fucking sick!
Alexa Richards: No, I'm not..
Jay Omega: Thank Krishna.
Alexa Richards: Or am I?
Jay Omega: I don't even want to think about that..
Alexa Richards: Remember I'm a woman right now. Maybe it's natural.
Jay Omega: But you're still Alex!
Alexa Richards: No, I'm Alexa. As you pointed out.. I have boobs. And they are like porn star boobs!
Jay Omega: Yeah... you had those before you changed too..
Jay runs off laughing as Alex pretends to give chase then stops, the door swings closed. Meanwhile Jay looks around shouting for Alex several times then shrugs and pulls out his pipe from his pocket and begins to light up.
Jay Omega: He never asked if I already had some on me. Ah well more for me.
Meanwhile back in the room Alex has dumped another beer from the fridge onto himself and reappeared before returning to his ever present doctor's bag and pulling out a Zim-Quila.
Alex Richards: Sorry Jay, I love you like a brother. But this is my last Zim-Quila.. on me at least. I'm going to enjoy this..
Part 3- The Moment of Truth
Alex finishes his drink then sits down on the jello couch.
Alex Richards: Okay fine. I actually didn't want Jay around so he couldn't make fun of me for getting all sappy and sentimental. See I looked at my scheduled match this week and it was like looking into my past. Everyone likes a trip through memory lane right? Provided you learned from it. So I decided to talk about Kemp first. Which is a change from most tag team matches. Normally everyone talks about Kemp last. And for good reason he's always the weak link in every tag match he's ever been in. He's always been the anchor his partner has been strapped with. But I'm trying to be nice here. So not only will I talk about Kemp I'll say nice things about Kemp.
Alex sighs deeply.
Alex Richards: It ain't gonna be easy. At least that's what I thought at first. Then I decided to get creative. For example, did you know Kemp was a first round draft pick? He lead his high school team to the state championship game and still to this day holds the single game and single season scoring records? Bet you didn't know that about Kemp did you? I'll bet you knew for sure Kemp played a 1000 professional games? That he was a 6 time all star! I'll bet you guys do all know one thing though. All those accomplishments did indeed belong to a Kemp. But it wasn't Kyle Kemp, fuck no, those were the career accomplishments of Shawn Kemp. Now Shawn Kemp really might have been better than someone. Unlike Kyle Kemp who claims to be better than you but no one has ever explained why being a minor league wash out, 5th rate Pete Rose wannabe makes you better than me.
Alex shrugs.
Alex Richards: Aim low I guess. Sooner or later someone is gonna be found who Kyle Kemp is better than. And I'll feel sorry for them. But I know for sure, that it ain't me. I don't think it's my tag partner Teddy Bear either, I don't even think it's the God chick he's teaming with. I got my doubts he's even better than the ref. I mean odds are the match is gonna end with me covering him and the ref counting three so I guess that puts him over Kyle too. Sorry Kyle, you aren't actually better than anyone in this match, but I guess you're used to that by now. But by all means feel free to tell everyone how great you are once again. Go ahead, we all know it's the only thing you get going for ya. We all know you can't back it up. Don't worry Kyle.. all those people laughing.. they are laughing for you, not at you. You're a one trick pony Kyle and your one trick isn't even all that good.
Alex suddenly grows a little more serious.
Alex Richards: You did do one thing that made an impression on me last week. It wasn't during your match. That went about as well as expected. Sorry dude, even Jay Omega couldn't overcome how much you sucked and screw Wendy out of the television title. If I liked Erin I'd feel sorry for her having to carry your dead weight. But what interested me was seeing you interact with your family. I noticed you didn't get along with your brother, you didn't get along with your father who basically disappeared from your life. I'll bet you think I'm judging you.
Alex goes for a sip of Zim-Quila draining his drinking boot. Then shaking his head.
Alex Richards: I'm not. My family life was always pretty much fucked up. Hell besides my brother, that dude is awesome.
Alex looks at the camera conspiratorially
Alex Richards: Don't tell him I said that. Don't want him getting a swelled head. My point is this Kyle.. family ain't just the people you were born with. People say you can't choose your family. That's bullshit. You don't like your family, you can find a new family. You can find people who help give your life a purpose. And people who like to get fucked up as much as you do! Kyle, you can go about thinking you're better than everyone else. Or you can admit you're not and that you don't really want to be. Kyle, you can lie to the world but you can't lie to yourself. You're missing something and you know it. My whole life I was in and out of jail, in and out of institutites because I wanted everyone to fear me. I wanted everyone to leave me alone.
Alex hears Polar Phantasm off in the distance bantering with his wife about the state of her ankle.
Alex Richards: But I didn't really. But you don't know the difference until you experience a real family. People who you actually care about, who actually care about you. See, I knew it. Glad I sent the Omega Man away. He would say I must still be invisible because I'm acting like a chick. Find your family Kyle Kemp, find where you belong.. or you know.. spend your life forever telling people you are better then they are. I feel sorry for you if you chose the second option. Not sorry enough to take it easy on you though. Then.. then..
Alex folds his hands in prayer.
Alex Richards: Then we have the God Girl. I'm sorry I forgot my prayer beads. I also didn't bring a bible. Did smoke a joint from a page of the bible once though. It makes a surprisingly good rolling paper. You know I could spent an hour making jokes about religion. A priest, a rabbi, three construction workers, and a duck walked into a strip club.
Alex looks around.
Alex Richards: That works so much better when Zach is around. I miss the guy. Hopefully we finally get home soon. But my point is, if I joked about religion for hours God would be the one laughing the loudest. He loved my sense of humor. That's why I made it into Heaven. I died once, had a heart attack. Apparently I caused too much chaos to stay. Figure that one out. Time off for bad behavior, maybe? Or maybe just strange behavior. But God Girl.. boy do you have a problem. See, God might have been amused with my antics. But I bet he don't like yours very much. I would not want to be in your shoes, claiming that God told you you were gonna save the world.
Alex looks slightly grave.
Alex Richards: The first time we faced off in that singles match, I thought it could have been true. I thought maybe we had something in common. But the more I see you, the more I realize it's just a scam. Everytime you wrestle, I see you low blowing people, I see you cheating your way to victory. Even worse I see you stealing from people, I see you threatening people's families. PT Barnum used to say there's a sucker born every day. That's probably the way you see the world ain't it? But the difference is, not everyone is a sucker. Not every day. And sooner or later those people with pitchforks who tend to gather around when they realize your a fraud tending to grow. I should know about people with pitchforks looking how I do. Guess in this case I'm gonna be one of the villagers.
Alex crackles his knuckles grimly.
Alex Richards: I'm not gonna need a pitchfork anyways though. You can rest easy. Because what type of a person needs to convince people they are on a mission from God? Besides Dan Ackroyd and John Belushi and you damn sure ain't the Blue Brothers! The only other type of person is somehow who needs the advantage. Someone who knows they aren't good enough and hopes beyond hope that by convincing their opponents they are on the side of right they gain some sort of advantage. In short God Girl, your weak and you know it. Your lies prove it.
Alex's expression softens.
Alex Richards: I used to be bad too Erin. I used to lie, I used to cheat. And look at me now. I'm a Guardian. I'm a member of a force that saves the world instead of destroying it. I'm a man who once was in prison for manslaughter. If I can change anyone can Erin. You just have to apply the right amount of leverage. In this case someone has to destroy your myth, someone has to destroy your lie. That's where I come in. The Guardians help people, whether they want it or not. You need my help. And the kind of help you need is a savage beating on national television. The sort of beating where when it's over no one, anywhere, will think God was helping you... with that performance. That's the sort of service that's a pleasure to provide. And you know.. I live to serve.
Alex raises his boot back to his lips.. and alas it's now bone dry. He despairs for a moment then brightens considerably as he goes over to the shut down living fridge and pulls out one more of the alien beers. He takes a drink.
Alex Richards: Well I'll be. It actually tastes better when it's warmer. You know I've been talking about this as if it's just me against Kyle Kemp and Erin Fausse. And to that I say.. yeah they wish. Sure, my partner Teddy Sol and I have never teamed up before. But at least we both have honour.. umm at least some honour. I mean I don't take the last beer from the cooler all the time. Teddy has a reputation as the nicest guy in wrestling. And our opponents.. how exactly are they going to get along?
Alex thinks about how they might team up for a second.
Alex Richards: One person claims they talk to God, the other person probably thinks he is God. What a dream team! We might never have teamed up before but these guys don't even know how to spell team. Quite possibly literally. Kyle just forms tag teams in order to carry his lack of talent, and Erin will sell out her own father, or own God for that matter if the price was right. Can these guys possibly trust each other? Absolutely not and they know it! But then there's me and Teddy.
Alex grins
Alex Richards: All that's left to do is talk about my tag team partner for the week, Teddy Bear Sol. Now there's a time when I would have been jealous that the people voted for him instead of me for Overload:Election Day to face God Girl. I would have loved to be Rising Star Champion. Especially taking it away from Erin. But... I'm a Guardian now.. shit, I have the power of invisibility! It's kind of hard to be jealous of anyone ain't it? Teddy... win that title.. kick Erin's ass. Now as for this week, I'm bringing the Zim-Quila, we can even hit Wendys to celebrate with some of those frostys you're fond of. One thing I know for sure.. when the match is over Erin and Kyle will be laying on the mat and we;ll be standing over them in victory screaming out YOLO ADRIAN! I GOT IT! BOOOOOOOOOOOM! Or you know at least I will. You might think it's sort of silly. But I double as an invisible woman named Alexa silly is an understatement. Enjoy your frosty Teddy, enjoy your Rising Star Championship, and Erin.. Kyle enjoy your wake up call. Hope it's not too late.
Fade To Black
A BOTTLE OF SPACE
Episode Two: The Amazing, Invisible Archduchess
Series conceived by Jay Omega, Bonnie Blue and the Polar Phantasm
Series directed by Jay Omega
Episode written by Alex Richards
[(c) United Championship Infinite 2016. All rights reserved.]
After just having been booted out into the hallway The Omega Man and the Archduke of Mass Confusion head off in search of..
Jay Omega: We need some green.
Did you really expect anything else?
Alex Richards: We need to file a sexual discrimination complaint. They kicked us out just because we weren't girls!
Jay Omega: Who exactly would you file that compliant with? There's rampant discrimination against males on the space dragon?
Alex Richards: There's gotta be some sort of space equality movement.
Jay Omega: You do know if you stayed it would have just lead to Nightmare kicking your ass and literally throwing you out right? And probably Bonnie too. Since they have been getting along a lot better lately.
Alex Richards: I know.. it's the principle of the matter. Besides I just wanted to see how liquid became clothes. It's for science! That it would it be bad ass to have a zoot suit made out of Zim-Quila!
Jay Omega: I don't think that liquid would make good clothes. Mainly because... it's flammable!
The Archduke seems slightly offended.
Alex Richards: It's still in testing!
Jay Omega: No, it isn't. You just made it up.
Alex Richards: Fine.. I'll test it myself. I'll just go back to the Strange Rover and test it out.
Jay seems ready to say something to the contrary. But then a devilish smile crosses his face.
Jay Omega: I'll go ahead and meet you in the crew lounge. But I gotta warn ya don't take too long or it might be all smoked out!
Jay heads off into the direction of the lounge as Alex rushes off like an out of control buffalo crashing his way down the hallway towards the Rover. Which he quickly enters beelining his way towards the bedroom where he opens up his closet which is of course filled with items goodwill would have rejected due to their absolute hideousness. He pulls out his zoot suit and quickly changes into it before considering the gravity of the situation.
Alex Richards: This is gonna waste at least a 60 of Zim-Quila. That could get me.. slightly buzzed. Okay slightly more buzzed. I'm already pretty buzzed. But it just feels like a waste of precious booze. Although on the other hand my Strange Rover not only runs on Zim-Quila but also creates it. And you can't drink it as fast as the Rover makes me. Trust me I tried before.. Hmm.. I could do that. Nope! Must... show... up... Jay Omega! Besides even if this doesn't work Zim-Quila cologne is still the best scent ever!
This “plan” containing no sound logic of any kind is obviously destined for failure. Because what exactly would be considered a success? Alex goes into the nightstand beside his bed..
Alex Richards: Ah, my good morning 60! Better than coffee any day of the week.
Alex considers... then goes back to the closet pulling out his finest, or at least closest drinking boot, and dumps the bottle into it.. he takes a sip, then a gulp, then dumps the rest on his own head the liquor dripping down his face and onto the ugly zoot suit. To his credit the alcohol might actually improve it. Alex turns towards the mirror to check himself out.
Alex Richards: What the fuck? Where did I go?
Alex looks into the mirror and sees no one.
Alex Richards: Fucking Omega. Putting a trick mirror in my room. You gotta do better than that to confuse the archduke of mass confusion! I'll disprove this theory.
Alex tosses his now empty boot at the mirror which cracks it. You can see the discarded boot in the mirror but you still can't see Alex.
Alex Richards: No fucking way! Zim-Quila makes people invisible? Is there anything it can't do? Wait until I tell Jay... after I fuck with him a bit first..
Alex thinks for a moment.. at least we think he's thinking it's hard to tell considering he's invisible! We then hear footsteps and the door to the bathroom opens
Alex Richards: And people think it's stupid to keep emergency booze in the toilet tank.
A bottle of Zim-Quila floats through the air seemingly by itself before turning sideways and dousing the now once again visible Alex Richards who's ugly mug finally reappears in the cracked mirror.
Alex Richards: I think I just made science my bitch. This... has... serious possibilities.
Scene 2- Hide and Seek
Alex finds his way to the crew lounge after only a few wrong turns and spies Jay Omega standing on the long, purple couch, or at least it would be a couch if the fabric didn't appear to be made out of some strong, jello like substance. The couch shakes as Jay uses it as a stage as he preforms what appears to be his own version of Rockwell's Somebody's Watching Me. Alex walks in grinning.
Alex Richards: So when are we gonna do that duet?
Jay Omega: Xor willing never!
Alex Richards: Why not? You heard my singing on Spencer's Mom?
Jay Omega: Yeah... and that's exactly why. Fuck, with all the dogs committing suicide after hearing your pitch the lawsuits alone would be enough to bankrupt... Well not me.. probably Wentworth though.
Alex Richards: You're intimidated with my talent aren't you?
Jay Omega: Yeah... that's totally it.
Alex Richards: I get that a lot.
Alex obviously either missed or ignored Jay's sarcasm but Jay perhaps with visions of a horrific sing off with Alex chooses not to broach the topic again.
Alex Richards: Wait a sec... I think you had weed here.
Jay Omega: Smoked it all.
Alex Richards: You smoked it all that quickly?
Jay grins noticing his friend's disappointment before laughing.
Jay Omega: I would have.. but Polar must have found my slash first. I swear to Buddha he's got a green nose or something. You just can't hide it from him!
Alex Richards: That's a good idea.
Jay Omega: What is?
Alex Richards: Hide and Seek.
Jay Omega: You want to play a kid's game?
Alex Richards: Of course not. When you find the other person you get to punch them as hard as you can!
Jay Omega: So basically this is an excuse for us to beat the crap out of each other?
Alex Richards: And destroy property. If we can't get shit faced why not a punch to the face?
Jay Omega: I like the way you think.
Alex Richards: I'll even hide first.
Jay Omega: You do know not finding pot makes me angry right?
Alex Richards: Then I better run. You close your eyes and count to ten..
Jay Omega: Not much of a head start is it?
Jay closes his eyes and begins to count. Alex meanwhile simply reaches into his doctor's bag.. and pulls out his Zim-Quila which he pours on himself just before Jay reaches the count of ten..
Jay Omega: Ready or not.. Here I come...
Jay wrinkles his nose and looks around.
Jay Omega: I know you have to be close. I can smell your booze. Quite frankly I'm shocked you didn't stop to lap it up.
I have plenty! I'm drinking some right now!
Jay snaps to attention, looking around the room and seeing no one. He looks in the closet.. no luck.. He hears laughter.
Jay Omega: Might as well give up. I'm gonna find you.
Jay pulls the “cushion” or ooze off the couch but Alex isn't hiding under that. He walks towards the fridge only to fall flat on his face.
Jay Omega: What in Hades? Who tripped me?
Jay starts to grope around with his hands as the stove turns on. Shooting up a massive dragon like flame.
Jay Omega: Alex... no joking. Come back now. There appears to be some sort of weird transparent alien hitchhiker we picked up.
I'm not falling for that old trick. Besides I'm strange.. not weird.
Jay looks in disbelief as the fridge opens and a can of beer “Intergalactic Ale” floats out and opens up dumping it's contains onto the now visible Alex Richards who wipes his cheek with his finger and samples the beer.
Alex Richards: Not much good for anything else except transforming.
Jay Omega: Hold on! You're telling me.. you can go invisible? Seriously? How the fuck did you do that?
Alex Richards: It's science man.
Jay Omega: You know nothing of science.
Alex Richards: I know Nicky hates it when I use his coil to roast weinies.
Jay Omega: You have got to be kidding! I'm an original guardian and you have powers?
Alex Richards: How do you know it's powers. Maybe it's the booze!
Alex goes back into the fridge and pulls out two more of the space beers. He cracks one open takes a sip, recoils from the taste
Jay Omega: You drink Zima by choice and this stuff is bad to you?
Alex Richards: It makes Nattie Ice taste like Zim-Quila in comparison. Heads up!
Alex pours the beer onto Jay's head leaving a frustrated and wet Omega Man.
Alex Richards: I didn't think I would work I just wanted to pour beer on you.
Jay in response launches and hits Alex with a nearby dictionary. Which is more impressive when you consider it's a 500 000 000 page tome proclaiming it the Every Language Ever Dictionary. Jay picks it up again.. as Alex dumps the second beer on his head going invisible again. Jay sighs, then grins. He begins to flex again and again. Going very red in the face before ripping off his own shirt.
Alex Richards: What the fuck are you doing?
Jay Omega: Trying to hulk out.. of course! Polar got ice powers, Nightmare got fire powers, Bonnie got time control, and now.. you're invisible! Maybe I got super strength or something.
Alex Richards: You already had the power to roll a joint faster than anyone else.
Jay Omega: That's not a super power! That's just practice.
Jay lets out a roar and slaps himself across the face several times trying to psyche himself up before he grabs the dictionary and attempts to tear it in two. And doesn't even come close. Frustrated he launches the heavy book as hard as he can against the wall denting it.
Jay Omega: There! I knew I had super strength!
Alex Richards: That was a heavy book..
Jay Omega: Doubt this!
Jay approaches the blue refridgerator and screams at it psyching himself up again. He grabs onto the fridge and lifts... and lifts.. and while you can see his muscles straining the massive fridge isn't moving. In frustration Jay punches the fridge. A massive blue tentacle emerges from inside smacking Jay and knocking him down!
Jay Omega: Not only do I not have super powers but I just got my ass kicked by a living fridge!
Alex laughs loudly and strangely even for him.
Jay Omega: What's up with your laugh dude?
Alex Richards: Nothing is up with my laugh. And don't call me dude, it feels wrong somehow. Maybe I got the super strength too..
Jay mutters under his breathe.
Jay Omega: You better not have.
You hear Alex grunt.. then a thud.. then the tentacle comes out again and swings several times wildly as more small thuds are heard finally a solid whap noise is heard and Jay laughs until he ends up in a heap with the invisible Richards on top of him. Jay fights to his feet an expression of wonderment on his face.
Jay Omega: Umm... Alex.. you have boobs.
Alex Richards: I do not! It's bad enough when my opponents make lame weight jokes but I expected better from you.
Jay Omega: No, you actually have boobs. Feel em if you don't believe me.
Alex Richards: This is stupid. Why would I... son of a bitch. I do have boobs. And... I have hair... long, lush, natural florencent green hair.
Jay Omega: Nobody has natural florencent green hair.
Alex Richards: How do you know? I'm invisible.. and it seems like I might be hot. I mean like instead of my usual Uncle Fester now I'm Morticia Adams hot!
Jay Omega: I'm not gonna check.
Alex Richards: Why not?
Jay Omega: Because I'm not Steven Osbourne! Feeling up another guy.. that's a little..
Alex Richards: It's for science!
Jay Omega: Still no! Think I can get Nicky to make a snake radioactive or something?
Alex Richards: You know Nicky... blah blah blah waste of my talents, no Alex I won't make your hot dog larger, just buy a foot long. What a snob. Why do you want something radioactive anyways?
Jay Omega: Gotta get my super powers somehow!
Alex Richards: What about getting bitten by a radioactive panda bear?
Jay Omega: You're not helping.
Alex Richards: What... it would be cute!
Jay Omega: Cute? Cute? That sounds... really girlish.
Alex Richards: I'm feeling more and more like a women every second. And you know how women are vendictive right?
Jay Omega: I don't know where you're going with this but..
All of the sudden the blue living fridge seems to dim slightly. We then see a giant blue battery floating around the room before dropping on the table.
Alex Richards: Yeah suck it fridge! Nobody fucks with the Guardians!
Jay walks over and kicks the fridge several times hard. Before walking back looking satisfied.
Jay Omega: I put my joint in that fridge for safekeeping. I thought Polar got it. But that fridge must have smoked it. And if nobody fucks with the Guardians certainly nobody steals the Guardians pot!
Alex Richards: This whole gender swapping thing could come in handy. You know help me understand the fairer sex better.
Jay snorts.
Jay Omega: Yeah, that will be the day.
Alex Richards: Seriously man.. I guarentee you. By the end of the week I will use my new knowledge as a chick to totally get you out of trouble.
Jay Omega: What new knowledge?
Alex Richards: Get me give you an example. Chick me doesn't like being called Alex. She wants to be called Alexa.
Jay Omega: Shouldn't she be Alexis? That is a more common name.
Alexa Richards: Nope, Alexa it is. Don't argue with women dude. They are always right.
Jay Omega: Sweet Krishna, we need to get you to a casino. You really hit the jackpot. Not only can you make yourself invisible but you can also gender swap while doing it! You know what I would do if I was a chick and invisible?
Alexa Richards: Masterbate furiously?
Alexa starts to sing “When I Think About You I Touch Myself”
Jay Omega: You know.. Alexa sings a lot better than Alex does.
Alexa Richards: I don't know if I'm offended or not.
Jay Omega: Wait a minute.. The song you're singing.. you're not..
Alexa Richards: What do you think?
Jay Omega: Right in front of me?
Alexa Richards: You can't see anything.
Jay Omega: Dude! Still! Fucking sick!
Alexa Richards: No, I'm not..
Jay Omega: Thank Krishna.
Alexa Richards: Or am I?
Jay Omega: I don't even want to think about that..
Alexa Richards: Remember I'm a woman right now. Maybe it's natural.
Jay Omega: But you're still Alex!
Alexa Richards: No, I'm Alexa. As you pointed out.. I have boobs. And they are like porn star boobs!
Jay Omega: Yeah... you had those before you changed too..
Jay runs off laughing as Alex pretends to give chase then stops, the door swings closed. Meanwhile Jay looks around shouting for Alex several times then shrugs and pulls out his pipe from his pocket and begins to light up.
Jay Omega: He never asked if I already had some on me. Ah well more for me.
Meanwhile back in the room Alex has dumped another beer from the fridge onto himself and reappeared before returning to his ever present doctor's bag and pulling out a Zim-Quila.
Alex Richards: Sorry Jay, I love you like a brother. But this is my last Zim-Quila.. on me at least. I'm going to enjoy this..
Part 3- The Moment of Truth
Alex finishes his drink then sits down on the jello couch.
Alex Richards: Okay fine. I actually didn't want Jay around so he couldn't make fun of me for getting all sappy and sentimental. See I looked at my scheduled match this week and it was like looking into my past. Everyone likes a trip through memory lane right? Provided you learned from it. So I decided to talk about Kemp first. Which is a change from most tag team matches. Normally everyone talks about Kemp last. And for good reason he's always the weak link in every tag match he's ever been in. He's always been the anchor his partner has been strapped with. But I'm trying to be nice here. So not only will I talk about Kemp I'll say nice things about Kemp.
Alex sighs deeply.
Alex Richards: It ain't gonna be easy. At least that's what I thought at first. Then I decided to get creative. For example, did you know Kemp was a first round draft pick? He lead his high school team to the state championship game and still to this day holds the single game and single season scoring records? Bet you didn't know that about Kemp did you? I'll bet you knew for sure Kemp played a 1000 professional games? That he was a 6 time all star! I'll bet you guys do all know one thing though. All those accomplishments did indeed belong to a Kemp. But it wasn't Kyle Kemp, fuck no, those were the career accomplishments of Shawn Kemp. Now Shawn Kemp really might have been better than someone. Unlike Kyle Kemp who claims to be better than you but no one has ever explained why being a minor league wash out, 5th rate Pete Rose wannabe makes you better than me.
Alex shrugs.
Alex Richards: Aim low I guess. Sooner or later someone is gonna be found who Kyle Kemp is better than. And I'll feel sorry for them. But I know for sure, that it ain't me. I don't think it's my tag partner Teddy Bear either, I don't even think it's the God chick he's teaming with. I got my doubts he's even better than the ref. I mean odds are the match is gonna end with me covering him and the ref counting three so I guess that puts him over Kyle too. Sorry Kyle, you aren't actually better than anyone in this match, but I guess you're used to that by now. But by all means feel free to tell everyone how great you are once again. Go ahead, we all know it's the only thing you get going for ya. We all know you can't back it up. Don't worry Kyle.. all those people laughing.. they are laughing for you, not at you. You're a one trick pony Kyle and your one trick isn't even all that good.
Alex suddenly grows a little more serious.
Alex Richards: You did do one thing that made an impression on me last week. It wasn't during your match. That went about as well as expected. Sorry dude, even Jay Omega couldn't overcome how much you sucked and screw Wendy out of the television title. If I liked Erin I'd feel sorry for her having to carry your dead weight. But what interested me was seeing you interact with your family. I noticed you didn't get along with your brother, you didn't get along with your father who basically disappeared from your life. I'll bet you think I'm judging you.
Alex goes for a sip of Zim-Quila draining his drinking boot. Then shaking his head.
Alex Richards: I'm not. My family life was always pretty much fucked up. Hell besides my brother, that dude is awesome.
Alex looks at the camera conspiratorially
Alex Richards: Don't tell him I said that. Don't want him getting a swelled head. My point is this Kyle.. family ain't just the people you were born with. People say you can't choose your family. That's bullshit. You don't like your family, you can find a new family. You can find people who help give your life a purpose. And people who like to get fucked up as much as you do! Kyle, you can go about thinking you're better than everyone else. Or you can admit you're not and that you don't really want to be. Kyle, you can lie to the world but you can't lie to yourself. You're missing something and you know it. My whole life I was in and out of jail, in and out of institutites because I wanted everyone to fear me. I wanted everyone to leave me alone.
Alex hears Polar Phantasm off in the distance bantering with his wife about the state of her ankle.
Alex Richards: But I didn't really. But you don't know the difference until you experience a real family. People who you actually care about, who actually care about you. See, I knew it. Glad I sent the Omega Man away. He would say I must still be invisible because I'm acting like a chick. Find your family Kyle Kemp, find where you belong.. or you know.. spend your life forever telling people you are better then they are. I feel sorry for you if you chose the second option. Not sorry enough to take it easy on you though. Then.. then..
Alex folds his hands in prayer.
Alex Richards: Then we have the God Girl. I'm sorry I forgot my prayer beads. I also didn't bring a bible. Did smoke a joint from a page of the bible once though. It makes a surprisingly good rolling paper. You know I could spent an hour making jokes about religion. A priest, a rabbi, three construction workers, and a duck walked into a strip club.
Alex looks around.
Alex Richards: That works so much better when Zach is around. I miss the guy. Hopefully we finally get home soon. But my point is, if I joked about religion for hours God would be the one laughing the loudest. He loved my sense of humor. That's why I made it into Heaven. I died once, had a heart attack. Apparently I caused too much chaos to stay. Figure that one out. Time off for bad behavior, maybe? Or maybe just strange behavior. But God Girl.. boy do you have a problem. See, God might have been amused with my antics. But I bet he don't like yours very much. I would not want to be in your shoes, claiming that God told you you were gonna save the world.
Alex looks slightly grave.
Alex Richards: The first time we faced off in that singles match, I thought it could have been true. I thought maybe we had something in common. But the more I see you, the more I realize it's just a scam. Everytime you wrestle, I see you low blowing people, I see you cheating your way to victory. Even worse I see you stealing from people, I see you threatening people's families. PT Barnum used to say there's a sucker born every day. That's probably the way you see the world ain't it? But the difference is, not everyone is a sucker. Not every day. And sooner or later those people with pitchforks who tend to gather around when they realize your a fraud tending to grow. I should know about people with pitchforks looking how I do. Guess in this case I'm gonna be one of the villagers.
Alex crackles his knuckles grimly.
Alex Richards: I'm not gonna need a pitchfork anyways though. You can rest easy. Because what type of a person needs to convince people they are on a mission from God? Besides Dan Ackroyd and John Belushi and you damn sure ain't the Blue Brothers! The only other type of person is somehow who needs the advantage. Someone who knows they aren't good enough and hopes beyond hope that by convincing their opponents they are on the side of right they gain some sort of advantage. In short God Girl, your weak and you know it. Your lies prove it.
Alex's expression softens.
Alex Richards: I used to be bad too Erin. I used to lie, I used to cheat. And look at me now. I'm a Guardian. I'm a member of a force that saves the world instead of destroying it. I'm a man who once was in prison for manslaughter. If I can change anyone can Erin. You just have to apply the right amount of leverage. In this case someone has to destroy your myth, someone has to destroy your lie. That's where I come in. The Guardians help people, whether they want it or not. You need my help. And the kind of help you need is a savage beating on national television. The sort of beating where when it's over no one, anywhere, will think God was helping you... with that performance. That's the sort of service that's a pleasure to provide. And you know.. I live to serve.
Alex raises his boot back to his lips.. and alas it's now bone dry. He despairs for a moment then brightens considerably as he goes over to the shut down living fridge and pulls out one more of the alien beers. He takes a drink.
Alex Richards: Well I'll be. It actually tastes better when it's warmer. You know I've been talking about this as if it's just me against Kyle Kemp and Erin Fausse. And to that I say.. yeah they wish. Sure, my partner Teddy Sol and I have never teamed up before. But at least we both have honour.. umm at least some honour. I mean I don't take the last beer from the cooler all the time. Teddy has a reputation as the nicest guy in wrestling. And our opponents.. how exactly are they going to get along?
Alex thinks about how they might team up for a second.
Alex Richards: One person claims they talk to God, the other person probably thinks he is God. What a dream team! We might never have teamed up before but these guys don't even know how to spell team. Quite possibly literally. Kyle just forms tag teams in order to carry his lack of talent, and Erin will sell out her own father, or own God for that matter if the price was right. Can these guys possibly trust each other? Absolutely not and they know it! But then there's me and Teddy.
Alex grins
Alex Richards: All that's left to do is talk about my tag team partner for the week, Teddy Bear Sol. Now there's a time when I would have been jealous that the people voted for him instead of me for Overload:Election Day to face God Girl. I would have loved to be Rising Star Champion. Especially taking it away from Erin. But... I'm a Guardian now.. shit, I have the power of invisibility! It's kind of hard to be jealous of anyone ain't it? Teddy... win that title.. kick Erin's ass. Now as for this week, I'm bringing the Zim-Quila, we can even hit Wendys to celebrate with some of those frostys you're fond of. One thing I know for sure.. when the match is over Erin and Kyle will be laying on the mat and we;ll be standing over them in victory screaming out YOLO ADRIAN! I GOT IT! BOOOOOOOOOOOM! Or you know at least I will. You might think it's sort of silly. But I double as an invisible woman named Alexa silly is an understatement. Enjoy your frosty Teddy, enjoy your Rising Star Championship, and Erin.. Kyle enjoy your wake up call. Hope it's not too late.
Fade To Black
A BOTTLE OF SPACE
Episode Two: The Amazing, Invisible Archduchess
Series conceived by Jay Omega, Bonnie Blue and the Polar Phantasm
Series directed by Jay Omega
Episode written by Alex Richards
[(c) United Championship Infinite 2016. All rights reserved.]