Post by The Polar Phantasm on Jun 19, 2016 5:59:58 GMT -6
Hello, Guardians fans, and welcome to another exciting adventure! It's been a big week for us; 'weird kid playland' has expanded in population and the ideas have been coming hot and heavy. I've actually taken to referring to the board as 'a conspiracy to commit fiction'. What does this mean for you, the reader? Some awesome new shit, that's what! Starting with next week's Windy City we're going big with West Chicago; we hope you check it out. 
This week we're doing a classic 'bottle episode' with a space dragon twist; we hope you enjoy reading this as much as we enjoyed writing it. As always, we recommend you read these pieces in the following order... that said, do what you feel. I ain't trippin'.
Guardians #6: A Bottle of Space
Part One: Out of Gas
Written by: Bonnie Blue
Part Two: The Amazing Invisible Archduchess
Written by: Alex Richards
Part Three: Cabin Fever
Written by: The Polar Phantasm
Part Four: Our Place in the Universe
Written by: Jay Omega
Enjoy, Guardians fans- see you next week for Windy City!
-B.
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[Scene: Grimmauld; more specifically, a chamber molded into (effectively) a conference room. We see our heroes, the Guardians (minus one), sitting around a strange irregular table playing some sort of multi-tiered chess-like game; a box nearby on the table names this creation as 'Will You Triumph?'. The box screams 1980s; one can only guess where this thing came from. Has Grimmauld been hanging onto a board game he ate in the 1980s? Did he recently eat a retro board game he found, perhaps, at a yard sale? Did the game manage to sneak into the techno-organic confines of our space dragon friend through use of the Strange Rover as a 'trojan horse'? One Guardian is not seated, of course; after all, in times like these it's not like the Phantasm to take it easy. Polar paces holes in the floor, his mind working as hard as it can to figure out something - anything - to get the team home. At that moment, Alex Richards takes a long swig from a jug and gives his head a shake, surveying the scene before him; he's pretty sure he's playing a game, but he can't make heads or tails of whether or not he's winning or losing... and he's starting to wonder if that's part of the game, and perhaps pretending he's winning is how to win. Also, was he invisible earlier? And a woman? Oh, wait- it's his turn. Or is it? Today's been pretty fucked up.]
Richards: Whose turn is it?
Bonnie: It's my turn. I'm just thinking.
Nightmare: You've been staring at the board for like five solid minutes now-
Bonnie: Yeah- it's a thing you do when you're thinkin'. Maybe try it sometime.
Omega: Oh, shit- come on, girls-
[Both women turn on Jay.]
Both: Who're you calling 'girls'?
[Omega lurches back a bit, as if dodging the comment.]
Omega: Um- ladies, I meant, ladies-
Richards: You sure you should call them 'ladies'?
[They turn on Alex.]
Richards: What? Just sayin', neither of you exactly scream 'debutante'.
[Bonnie glares a hole in Alex's forehead*; Nightmare picks up the game box and smacks him in the skull with it, though not hard enough to dent the shitty 80s cardboard.]
(* - just to clarify, this is a figurative thing and not a literal thing; bears mentioning, though, as motherfuckers are just springin' up super-powers left and right in this fuckin' serial. We good? We good. Word to your mother or maternal analogue. -B.)
Omega: Hey, he's not entirely wrong; what Alex is trying to say is you, uh, ladies-
[He quickly checks to see if he's raised their ire; he hasn't, so he continues.]
Omega: -kick ass like guys, right? You're feminine without being wilting flowers. Right, Alex?
Richards: Yes. That's exactly what I was going to say; wilting flowers. You're pretty wilting flowers.
Omega: -no. Alex, that's precisely the opposite of what I was saying.
Richards: Oh. Well. Strike that- reverse it. Whose turn is it?
[Bonnie turns to Crystal.]
Bonnie: I was mad at you but now I'm mad at them. Steamin' mad. For being dumb; that happens all the time. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Nightmare: Just go with it. You punch yours in the neck, I'm gonna headbutt mine and hope his fat head caves in.
[Bonnie glances at Omega, who has a look on his face that could only be interpreted as "Seriously?"]
Richards: Hey! My head's mostly gristle.
Omega: Listening to you two plot against us isn't making me want to jump into the vacuum of space any less, you know-
[From a few feet away, a gust of cold blows past them... and with it comes a deeper, more commanding tone than we're accustomed to getting from one Cameron Bankston*.]
(* - Polar's 'angry' voice, last seen in Guardians: The Call to Service. -B.)
Phantasm: Enough!
[With this outburst, the team stop in their tracks.]
Phantasm: What we're going through right now is just cabin fever. Alex, don't ever tell women they're not ladies; even hookers will fight you for telling them that. Bonnie, don't listen to Crystal when you know you're feeling insane; Crystal, don't give anyone advice when you're... just don't give anyone advice.
Nightmare: Fuck you, Cam.
Phantasm: You're good at a number of things, baby, but that's not one of them. Advice, I mean- heh. You already know. Uh, anyway- Jay, don't you fucking dare commit suicide without the rest of us. That's a new team rule I'm making right now. If we're killing anybody we're doing it as a team, even if it's ourselves.
[Bonnie begins to make a comment; Polar holds one finger up.]
Phantasm: I'm sure there are very good reasons for not making that a team rule, but I'm on a roll here. Gimme a sec. We're a team; we're more than a team, actually, and you all know it. We're not going to call each other names or punch each other in the throat or jump into the vacuum of space because we're a family and we're going to act like it. Not just a team, a family.
Richards: I, uh, just became a Guardian-
Phantasm: Alex, you've been a Guardian since the ASA mission; we just didn't think to tell you yet. I'm sure that sounds kinda dickish, but we mean we didn't know if we should cramp your style or not-
Omega: Plus we didn't know whether or not you'd want to hang out with a bunch of people in a space dragon.
[Alex seems genuinely confused by this.]
Richards: Who wouldn't want to hang out with a bunch of people in a space dragon?
Phantasm: At least a couple of people.
[Polar turns toward the 'camera'.]
Phantasm: Which is ok- we realise that some of you are opposed to power armor, super powers and space dragons in your wrestling, and that's fine. We just kindly ask that you learn to cope with it.
[Turning back to the team, Polar continues his speech.]
Phantasm: What we need to do is get our heads together on this, figure out a solution together. What do we have that...
[Polar rubs his chin.]
Phantasm: What do we have? Who's holding?
[At this suggestion, ears perk up. Omega, especially, seems encouraged by this question- he snaps his fingers and asks Bonnie a question.]
Omega: Emergency rations.
Bonnie: What?
Omega: Have you changed the tires on the Ranchero lately?
Bonnie: No... why?
[Omega is already out of his seat as he replies.]
Omega (shouted): Steel belted radials!
[Polar just shakes his head.]
Phantasm: I know how he's gonna get it out, but... how the fuck did he get it in there? Like, when?
Bonnie: Did he trap my car? Son of a... Jay trapped my car. My car!
Phantasm: I know, right?
Nightmare: Did what, now?
Bonnie: Nothin', just- I don't know whether to be proud of him or mad at him.
Phantasm: The tires- it's a classy move. Nobody ever looks in the tires...
[Alex turns to Crystal, glad he's less confused than someone else for once.]
Richards: Jay did something good I think. Something about tires. Are you hungry? I'm thinking pancakes.
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"Feels good
I'm stranded in my spaceship hideaway
And something makes me think I'm here to stay
I'm so happy where I am..." -Jamiroquai, Feels So Good
Born in the future, destined for glory in the past; her entire culture was wiped from existence in the blink of an eye. As a founding member of the Guardians, and with the aid of a wisecracking humanoid cat and a cybernetic Hank Brown, she uses her time traveling Ranchero to help defend the Metaverse and the UCI, the importance of which is as yet unknown. Time waits for no man, but it obeys one woman... THE DAUGHTER OF TIME, BONNIE BLUE!
Offbeat. Outlandish. Bizarre. These are just some of the words used to describe him, though they barely scratch the surface. The surreal is commonplace in his world, and random chance seems to be either his best friend or his guardian angel. Mimsy were the borogroves, and flubbity-wub-wub, flubbity-flubba-wub. What you see as gibberish makes perfect sense to... THE ARCHDUKE OF MASS CONFUSION, ALEX RICHARDS!
Some would call him unconventional. Some would say eccentric. Still others would prefer the term insane. But one word they would all agree on is dangerous. How else would you describe a man who claims to have traveled through time, across dimensions, fought literal gods, and lived to tell the tale? Such may sound like utter nonsense, but that's just another day in the absurd life of future UCI World Champion, and founding Guardians member... THE OMEGA MAN, JAY OMEGA!
Introduced to one another in a deathmatch, they became a team both in combat and in life. He, the Polar Phantasm, calculating yet comedic, intense yet irreverent... she, Nightmare, virtuous yet violent, belligerent yet beautiful. Together they work to defend this universe as strategist and infiltrationist (respectively) of the Guardians... they are THE UNSTABLE ELEMENTS!
[In their short time together, the Guardians have faced numerous challenges; most recently, they managed to survive first contact with a warlike alien race after paying a visit to their homeworld of Aja Darrik. Now the Guardians face an equally daunting task; stranded in space with only themselves as company and their wits as ammunition, our five heroes must find a way to get home...and try to keep themselves sane in the process.]
[That said, sanity hasn't always been a strong suit of this crew... perhaps their solution resides in the 'insane' portions of human thought? We're likely to find out... especially if Jay Omega can't find where he left his stash. What sort of monster would be cruel enough to stick these five in the dead of space without any marijuana?]
[Not this monster, that's for sure. I actually like these fuckers. Probably a bit too much for my own good... but we'll get to that, surely. After all, what's a day stranded in space without a bit of comedy... or, at the very least, a Comedian?]
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POLAR PHANTASM #7: Cabin Fever
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[Scene: Grimmauld, continued. On the table before the five Guardians sits a piece of an off-road tire and a worn hacksaw... as well as about half a pound of marijuana. Good lord, 'Megs, did you make a stop in Amsterdam on your way to space? I digress. Judging by the smallish roach we see Jay passing to Alex, we can assume that the team has properly medicated themselves by this point... or, at the very least, have started to get there.]
Nightmare: Oh god, so much better- I'm sorry for anything I said or did in the past hour or two, whatever it was.
Omega: Surprisingly, wasn't anything too bad. Bit of mumbling about how you wanted to kill us or something, but nothing major.
Nightmare: Oh. That all?
Omega: Yeah, Bonnie is the one who was worrying me. We're used to you being unreasonable.
Phantasm: As well you should be.
[He gives his wife a smile; her instinctive urge to argue the point fades slightly at this, petering out in a frustrated mumbling noise.]
Bonnie: We've gotta be able to find somethin' to do other than this-
[The Daughter of Time unceremoniously pushes a hand toward the 'Will You Triumph?' board(?) before them.]
Bonnie: -seriously, anything. I'd even play you in Scrabble, Cam.
[Polar raises an eyebrow; Nightmare shakes her head vigorously, her eyes widening.]
Nightmare: No. Just... don't do it. Please don't get him started.
[Bonnie laughs slightly.]
Bonnie: That bad, huh?
Phantasm: What? I like Scrabble.
Nightmare: Cam, you regularly score 350+. I thought we'd agreed no more 'friendly' games of Scrabble for you.
Richards: Wait, you can score that high in Scrabble?
Nightmare: You can if you bingo twice in a game. Would you believe this asshole made me cry with a Scrabble game?
[The whole team looks at the Phantasm with something between concern and disapproval; he chuckles, shaking his head.]
Phantasm: To be fair, I couldn't help it- it was just too good.
Nightmare: Son of a bitch got a bingo for the word 'SWOLLEN'. And put it on the end of the word 'VAGINA'.
[There is a brief pause as this information sinks in.]
Omega: ...did you make your wife cry with swollen vaginas? That's...
Richards: That is equal parts disturbing and awesome, man. Good on ya!
Phantasm: Kinda had to do it, right? I mean, it was staring me in the face.
Omega: There comes a time in every man's life when he must encounter swollen vaginas with bravery and determination.
[Bonnie puts her head down on the table, either taking an impromptu nap or giving up on this conversation entirely. Maybe a bit of both?]
Phantasm: Alright, enough of that. This conversation is giving my wife PTSD and I'm pretty sure Bonnie just got like eleven migraines at once.
[Still reliving the moment, Crystal Bankston mumbles in disbelief.]
Nightmare: It was like... 130 points or some shit. Utterly ridiculous.
[Omega has an idea, thankfully- someone needed to save Polar from what would inevitably become a very, very bad night.]
Omega: Hey, you guys wanna play Dungeons and Dragons?
[At this, Bonnie lifts her head.]
Bonnie: That's the best idea you've had since you remembered where the weed was.
Omega: That was like, half an hour ago tops.
Bonnie: Still true!
Nightmare: Battlerager. Calling it!
Richards: Can I be a priest? Not the molesty kind, though. Can I be like, the bishop of Pastafarianism?
Omega: Thief, all day. Wait- ninja. No, thief. Thief that's a ninja. Yeah, that's the ticket...
Bonnie: Ooh, I'm going bard. I've been practicing my "air lute" skills.
[Everybody looks at Bonnie with a humored expression on their faces.]
Bonnie: ...what? Come on, y'all, we were even at the Ren Faire like two weeks ago. How is that weird?
Phantasm: Hmm... not sure what to be...
[Suddenly, time seems to slow...to a dead stop. From behind the Phantasm, a familiar voice decides for him.]
Comedian: ...druid. We always pick druid.
[The Phantasm gets up from the table, slowly turning around to once again greet a specter that has haunted him throughout the years.]
Phantasm: The Comedian, I presume...seeing as how it's doubtful I'd run into Lucien Hicks in space, I'm guessing you're the other one.
[There, before the Polar Phantasm, stands a man of roughly six feet and two hundred ten pounds. He wears a pair of worn-out blue jeans, some non-slip soled black shoes and a grey t-shirt with an 'Autobot' sigil plainly emblazoned across the front. Above that he wears a long black trenchcoat, a series of pins over his heart: a military-style medal in purple, green and gold with the crest of the Krewe of Rex, king of Carnival... a heart-shaped pin reading "I'm an Organ Donor"... a flag pin reading "City of Kenner"... and a round black pin with the glowing white eyes and teeth of a beast on it.]
Comedian: I told you, man, you can just call me Brian. We're friends, right? God, I hope so.
Phantasm: Ha! God... that's a trip. You were a Catholic school kid too, weren't you?
Comedian: Dude, I was all of it. Remember? Where do you think you get it from?
[The Comedian lets the statement hang there; the Phantasm just watches it hang.]
Comedian: Moving on- I didn't show up to talk about how much we hated high school, dig?
[Polar nods his head slowly.]
Phantasm: Something big is up. That's why you're here, isn't it? Everytime you show up shit gets weird.
Bonnie: Cam...
[Both creator and creation turn to see a confused-looking Bonnie Blue, still calmly seated.]
Bonnie: ...who is this guy and where did he come from?
[The Comedian facepalms, laughing slightly behind his shield.]
Comedian: Oh... oh, yeah. I didn't even think about it... the Zack Morris time-stop gag doesn't work on people if they're out of phase. Hi Bonnie! Big fan.
[She turns to the Phantasm, unsure of how to respond to this.]
Phantasm: His name is Brian and he's a comedian from New Orleans. He created me... we've lived mostly the same life, he knows a frightening amount of information about what's going on and he's generally pretty helpful, if a bit cryptic.
Bonnie: Created you? Like, came up with your gimmick or somethin'?
Comedian: It's kinda hard to explain without completely fucking your head up-
Bonnie: Try me. I was grown in a lab, bucko- I can take whatever you got.
Comedian: Heh. Uh, you were actually created... no. No, not my place. Just... trust me, there are some things you don't want to know.
Phantasm: He says we're fictional. And I can't really argue with him...
Comedian: ...yet you have. Fairly successfully, I might add. Honestly, I can't really dispute how real you are.. either of you. You're more real than most people I know.
Bonnie: Ok, this is a bit much, even for me. What- what could you possibly expect us to do with that information? Lose hope? Give up on life?
Comedian: No! Not no, but fuck no. You five, you can- no, you fucking will - do some of the most amazing shit conceivable by man; don't you dare give up on life. You're only seeing the tip of the iceberg; you will all end up becoming more powerful than you can imagine at this point, and you'll do it as a team. That's why you don't give up or lose hope. You guys are hope.
[There is a moment of silence as the Comedian looks over to Polar, judging his reaction to all of this.]
Bonnie: Earlier, you said I was out of phase-
Phantasm: -yeah, what's up with that?
Comedian: You're the Daughter of Time, Bonnie. Just like your predecessor, you're at least partially immune to the effects of time... and can both actively and passively modify its ebb and flow. You've slowed time before... same power that lets you do that also keeps you from being slowed yourself. Same reason you age slower than the rest of us. Well... the rest of y'all, anyway. Pretty sure I'm aging at double-time, these days.
[The Comedian slumps into Polar's former seat, leaning onto Nightmare's shoulder.]
Phantasm: She still thinks you're make-believe.
Comedian: Even after she met me?!... I know. Heh.
Bonnie: Crystal's seen him too?
Phantasm: Yeah, just the two of us... she didn't like his answers, so she called him an asshole and now she acts like I made the whole thing up.
Comedian: Yeah.
[He looks at Nightmare with the gaze of a proud father.]
Comedian: She's perfect, isn't she?
Bonnie: Oh, not even close. Ah, I mean... she has her moments!
Comedian: She's supposed to be like that. If she wasn't kind of insane in that lovable sort of way, he'd get bored with her. Cam, is she ever boring?
[Polar shakes his head.]
Phantasm: Yeah, not even once. She's occasionally too interesting.
Comedian: Wait, seriously? You trying to find a downside to hot crazy wife that keeps you from getting too lost in your head? Bonnie, help me out here- homeboy's fuckin' up, right?
Bonnie: I'm still not sure what's going on here. If you're... Polar's creator, or god, or whatever... why are you here, now, on this ship? And more importantly, can you help us get home?
[The Comedian gives a dignified nod of the head to the young lady, deliberately turning back to his id unleashed.]
Comedian: That's the kinda questions you should be asking me, man- you're getting out-Phantasmed in your own promo.
[Still glaring at the Comedian, Polar answers his teammate.]
Phantasm: He's here because something big is happening, or about to happen... he only seems to show up when shit's about to get really weird. And yeah, he could get us home. He could do it right now, if he wanted.
Comedian: Oh yeah, totally. Josh would kill me for fucking up his piece, though, so that ain't happening. First thing's first... this team has faced some serious challenges and some awesome adventures already, but nothing like what's coming. You need to get back home and you need to get back to work.
Bonnie: You mean... UCI, right? Not-
Comedian: No, nooo. No indeed! We don't say the name where I come from either, by the way. Of course I mean UCI... specifically, though, you need to get back to Chicago.
Phantasm: I had a feeling something was up with Chicago! Oh, shit...
[Polar's excitement at his 'danger senses' being correct (not a 'power' per se, just the distilled result of paranoia) are quickly dashed by his realization that his 'informant' is this fuckin' guy.]
Phantasm: Oh. Shit. Are you gonna do that cryptic bullshit now and tiptoe around a fucking point, or are you gonna actually tell us anything meaningful?
Comedian: The Wave affected more than anyone knows yet; the first answers to what happened to cause everything- this reality, everything- are in Chicago. You're going to come to learn a few names well, Phantasm- Taylor Wright, for instance.
Bonnie: Tough a customer as they come.
Phantasm: Yeah, I've scouted that guy before- shit, I wish I had Eye-Seven out here.
Comedian: Or you could just, you know...
Phantasm: ...ask you? Alright, fuck it, I'll bite. Make me laugh, Comedian.
Comedian: Oh, no- that's not what this is. This isn't a joke, Cam... this guy's for real. Remember? I only show up when shit's about to get serious? Well, meet Taylor Wright. 6'3", 235 pounds, zero fucks given. He's no mat wrestler; guy's power and fury and flight to match, and he's got backing.
Phantasm: Oh... really, now?
Comedian: Tip of the iceberg, my frosty friend. Tip of the fucking iceberg. And it's just gonna get more serious from here... you met the Mayor of Chicago yet, Cam?
Bonnie: The Mayor-
Phantasm: Sanchez? I've passed him backstage, but... come on, how bad can he be? He's a wrestling mayor. Even I think that gimmick's ridiculous, and I'm-
[The Comedian motions down; Polar looks at his hands to see that he's doing that absent-minded ice sculpture thing again.]
Comedian: -yeah, you're the Polar Phantasm. Sometimes a gimmick is a gimmick, and sometimes that gimmick is your life. The Mayor's the Mayor just like the Polar Phantasm's finally grown into his name.
Phantasm: ...how?
[The Comedian looks with a squint, as if looking into the Phantasm for the rest of his question. Polar lifts his hands, revealing a pretty kickass looking penguin.]
Comedian: The answers are out there, waiting for you to find them... but make no mistake about it, man- this is your life. You were always the Polar Phantasm, even when you were a child... a teenager... a Kid. You knew it... Crystal knew it. What neither of you knew was what that meant... and now you've made one more step in your evolution, becoming what you were born to be.
Phantasm: A human popsicle.
Comedian: Oh, come on, Cam- that wasn't even a good comedic deflection, man! Right now you're a kid playing with matches, but once you figure out how to focus yourself and put your mind to it you'll be playing with power. That brain of yours... of ours, I guess... was dangerous as hell before, but christ- I wouldn't fuck with a guy who can freeze the water in your brain solid just by wanting it to happen, that's all I'm saying.
Phantasm: ...holy fuck, I can do that?!
Bonnie: That can't be right-
[Bonnie thinks for half a second before questioning, perhaps questioning herself.]
Bonnie: -can it?
Comedian: Whatever you do, don't try it. Unless, you know... eh, keep it under your hat. You're more sportsmanlike than that anyway, Polar...
[The Comedian turns to the youngest member of the Guardians crew, whispering to her some reaffirmations. And then, you know, stampeding into one of his rants.]
Comedian: He totally is. Do you have any idea how infuriating it is that this dude still hasn't killed Nathan von Liebert? To me, even. To me! Seriously, once I'm gone- put your foot up his ass, ok? Keep him sharp and ready to draw blood, 'cause shit's getting real.
[Bonnie just nods, not really knowing what else to do... and half-distracted anyhow, what with her mind already at work trying to decipher the Comedian's statements about 'The Wave' and 'Chicago'. The Comedian looks back to the Phantasm, smile on his face.]
Comedian: You're the best part of me, Cameron Bankston. You're exactly where you always should've been... you're where you can do the most damage. That's what you need to remember- we've always been builders, man, but... you used to be a destroyer. And you were really, really good at it.
[Polar clutches his temples as if having a sudden (and apocalyptic) headache.]
Phantasm: I... can't remember...?
Comedian: Another lifetime, my friend... but in any reality, a Phantasm is a Phantasm, and a Phantasm is you. When the time comes- and it's coming, rightly soon- when you've gotta bring down a house, you bring down that house. You've been having so much fun building, you've forgotten how fun it is to tear some shit apart! And you, Bonnie-
[The Comedian turns back to Bonnie Blue, who has held her composure quite well for someone whose eyes are screaming confusion and/or alarm at everything happening before them.]
Bonnie: ...yeah?
[The Comedian takes a deep breath, calmly expressing himself.]
Comedian: You're the heart and soul of this team. You're the reason all of this came together in the first place- you. You're one of the most amazing people I've ever met and working with you and those other two jerks is the most fun I've had in my life, so... deal with it, ok? Be moody and be miserable and be self-deprecating; shit, that's foreplay for me, I'm a fuckin' comic. But don't ever forget that you're the gravity that holds this universe together. No matter how far away my mind gets, you're what keeps pulling me back. The universe needs gravity. I need gravity.
[There is a pause as the Comedian rolls his eyes and sighs at his own inability to express himself without ranting. Bonnie Blue, however, has let herself slide into out-and-out confusion.]
Bonnie: That message was for me?
[Quietly, as he turns away, the Comedian responds.]
Comedian: Eh, something like that.
Phantasm: Leaving so soon, Comedian? You still haven't even told me a joke yet!
[The Comedian turns back to see a sly smile on the face of his most beloved creation; he can't help but laugh and shake his head.]
Comedian: I tell jokes to the world, Cam... you're a part of me, though, and I try to stick to telling myself the truth whenever possible. I will give you an alley-oop, though...
[Both Bonnie and Polar perk up at this news, awaiting an easy lay-up.]
Comedian: If you don't like your angle, change it. Oh shit, look at that!
[The Comedian points behind the two Guardians; as they turn to see what the trenchcoated eccentric was referencing, they witness their teammates un-pause and resume preparation for a game of Dungeons and Dragons.]
Nightmare: Five bucks says Polar goes druid.
[Jay is first to notice, Alex and Crystal finishing in second and third place; off a few feet away from their table, Bonnie and Polar seem both deep into an idea and completely lost at the same time. It's almost as if they'd suddenly jumped a few minutes ahead of the others or something... but that's not possible. Is it?]
Omega: What's up, you two? You, uh... weren't you two sitting over here like, four seconds ago?
Nightmare: Yeah- Cam, you were right next to me when I looked over this way, and now...
Richards: OH! We all had a black-out! That's fun. We should do a game night every week.
[Polar and Bonnie can't help but ignore their friends' very valid questions; they're both mulling over the Comedian's parting words.]
Bonnie: Angle... if we don't like our angle...
Omega: Wait, what's wrong with our angle? Did Creative tell you guys our team wasn't getting over or something? 'Cause that's bull- we're trending so hard on the Internet that I'm pretty sure Twitter itself is trying to fuck me.
Nightmare: ...what gender is Twitter? Do apps have a gender?
Phantasm: ...if you don't like your angle, change it...
Omega: Snapchat is totally a 45 year old pervert dressed as a 16 year old cheerleader.
Richards: Should we assume Google Maps is a woman just because if it was a man it'd consider itself irrelevant?
Nightmare: Instagram is a twenty-something guy with a handlebar mustache who collects... gonna say movie ticket stubs from before 1978. Yeah, sticking with that.
Phantasm: Best I can come up with is we push the comet toward Grimmauld with our vehicles, but... without Eye-Seven, there's no way in hell I'm getting the math on that even close to right.
Omega: Wait- guys, that sounds like at least half a plan-
Nightmare: Baby, you figured out how to get us out of here?!
Phantasm: No, not yet... we're still missing something.
[Nightmare sighs in frustration.]
Richards: We still gonna play D&D or what?
[In a frustrated grumble, Nightmare responds.]
Nightmare: All I wanna do right now is blow something up!
[With that statement, something clicks in the mind of the Phantasm- he steps toward the table, Bonnie following close behind. Polar turns to Bonnie, then to the others.]
Phantasm: How're the targeting systems on your cruisers?
Richards: I usually hit something when I shoot.
Bonnie: Pretty accurate, I 'spect... why, watcha thinkin'?
Phantasm: Could y'all hit one of your own projectiles?
Nightmare: For sure! ....probably!
Richards: I can probably... hit something, but... yeah, I'm out.
Bonnie: That's gonna be way tougher'n shootin' clay pigeons, Polar... could we take a few practice shots, get a feel for it?
Richards: Yeah, I could give it a swing!
Nightmare: Oh, please... please, please let me shoot something that blows up. I've been ever so good!
[His wife smiles at him sweetly; the Phantasm doesn't flinch in expression with the exception of a quick wink back at her.]
Phantasm: Y'all take a few practice attempts, but try to keep the waste to a minimum; we're running low on time and low on explosives, so make every stitch of both count. Here we go, Guardians- time to punch back in!
[The others dash off to take a few warm-up swings, leaving Polar and a curious Jay Omega in their wake.]
Omega: Where you want me, bossman?
[Polar smiles.]
Phantasm: I ain't your boss, brutha- I'm your guardian fuckin' angel.
Omega: Shit, we're both screwed.
Phantasm: Yeah you right.
[The two men high-five.]
Phantasm: Me and you, we've got the lighter craft... so we're gonna have to practice going tandem. Two shooters, one target.
Omega: Two shots, one boom. Bangarang. To our chariots, then?
Phantasm: Absolutely. And when we get back to P:A, we should really get a D&D game on... invite a few of the gang over, do it in the hologym. Do it big, you know?
[Over their earpiece radios, Nightmare's voice chimes in.]
Nightmare: I'm battlerager- I'm calling it now!
Everyone Else: We know!
[One by one, the five Guardians pilot their craft out into the ebon void of space... will the Phantasm's wild idea save the day? Can the Guardians get back to Chicago to face their matches (as well as the great unknown)? Will I ever stop cameoing in my own promos*? All of these questions and more to be answered in the next exciting installment of Guardians: A Bottle of Space!]
(* - This question will not be answered in Omega's promo; it will be answered now. No. -B.)
---------------------------------------------------
A BOTTLE OF SPACE
Episode Three: Cabin Fever
Series conceived by Jay Omega, Bonnie Blue and the Polar Phantasm
Series directed by Jay Omega
Episode written by the Polar Phantasm
[(c) United Championship Infinite 2016. All rights reserved.]
This week we're doing a classic 'bottle episode' with a space dragon twist; we hope you enjoy reading this as much as we enjoyed writing it. As always, we recommend you read these pieces in the following order... that said, do what you feel. I ain't trippin'.
Guardians #6: A Bottle of Space
Part One: Out of Gas
Written by: Bonnie Blue
Part Two: The Amazing Invisible Archduchess
Written by: Alex Richards
Part Three: Cabin Fever
Written by: The Polar Phantasm
Part Four: Our Place in the Universe
Written by: Jay Omega
Enjoy, Guardians fans- see you next week for Windy City!
-B.
----------------------------------------------------
[Scene: Grimmauld; more specifically, a chamber molded into (effectively) a conference room. We see our heroes, the Guardians (minus one), sitting around a strange irregular table playing some sort of multi-tiered chess-like game; a box nearby on the table names this creation as 'Will You Triumph?'. The box screams 1980s; one can only guess where this thing came from. Has Grimmauld been hanging onto a board game he ate in the 1980s? Did he recently eat a retro board game he found, perhaps, at a yard sale? Did the game manage to sneak into the techno-organic confines of our space dragon friend through use of the Strange Rover as a 'trojan horse'? One Guardian is not seated, of course; after all, in times like these it's not like the Phantasm to take it easy. Polar paces holes in the floor, his mind working as hard as it can to figure out something - anything - to get the team home. At that moment, Alex Richards takes a long swig from a jug and gives his head a shake, surveying the scene before him; he's pretty sure he's playing a game, but he can't make heads or tails of whether or not he's winning or losing... and he's starting to wonder if that's part of the game, and perhaps pretending he's winning is how to win. Also, was he invisible earlier? And a woman? Oh, wait- it's his turn. Or is it? Today's been pretty fucked up.]
Richards: Whose turn is it?
Bonnie: It's my turn. I'm just thinking.
Nightmare: You've been staring at the board for like five solid minutes now-
Bonnie: Yeah- it's a thing you do when you're thinkin'. Maybe try it sometime.
Omega: Oh, shit- come on, girls-
[Both women turn on Jay.]
Both: Who're you calling 'girls'?
[Omega lurches back a bit, as if dodging the comment.]
Omega: Um- ladies, I meant, ladies-
Richards: You sure you should call them 'ladies'?
[They turn on Alex.]
Richards: What? Just sayin', neither of you exactly scream 'debutante'.
[Bonnie glares a hole in Alex's forehead*; Nightmare picks up the game box and smacks him in the skull with it, though not hard enough to dent the shitty 80s cardboard.]
(* - just to clarify, this is a figurative thing and not a literal thing; bears mentioning, though, as motherfuckers are just springin' up super-powers left and right in this fuckin' serial. We good? We good. Word to your mother or maternal analogue. -B.)
Omega: Hey, he's not entirely wrong; what Alex is trying to say is you, uh, ladies-
[He quickly checks to see if he's raised their ire; he hasn't, so he continues.]
Omega: -kick ass like guys, right? You're feminine without being wilting flowers. Right, Alex?
Richards: Yes. That's exactly what I was going to say; wilting flowers. You're pretty wilting flowers.
Omega: -no. Alex, that's precisely the opposite of what I was saying.
Richards: Oh. Well. Strike that- reverse it. Whose turn is it?
[Bonnie turns to Crystal.]
Bonnie: I was mad at you but now I'm mad at them. Steamin' mad. For being dumb; that happens all the time. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Nightmare: Just go with it. You punch yours in the neck, I'm gonna headbutt mine and hope his fat head caves in.
[Bonnie glances at Omega, who has a look on his face that could only be interpreted as "Seriously?"]
Richards: Hey! My head's mostly gristle.
Omega: Listening to you two plot against us isn't making me want to jump into the vacuum of space any less, you know-
[From a few feet away, a gust of cold blows past them... and with it comes a deeper, more commanding tone than we're accustomed to getting from one Cameron Bankston*.]
(* - Polar's 'angry' voice, last seen in Guardians: The Call to Service. -B.)
Phantasm: Enough!
[With this outburst, the team stop in their tracks.]
Phantasm: What we're going through right now is just cabin fever. Alex, don't ever tell women they're not ladies; even hookers will fight you for telling them that. Bonnie, don't listen to Crystal when you know you're feeling insane; Crystal, don't give anyone advice when you're... just don't give anyone advice.
Nightmare: Fuck you, Cam.
Phantasm: You're good at a number of things, baby, but that's not one of them. Advice, I mean- heh. You already know. Uh, anyway- Jay, don't you fucking dare commit suicide without the rest of us. That's a new team rule I'm making right now. If we're killing anybody we're doing it as a team, even if it's ourselves.
[Bonnie begins to make a comment; Polar holds one finger up.]
Phantasm: I'm sure there are very good reasons for not making that a team rule, but I'm on a roll here. Gimme a sec. We're a team; we're more than a team, actually, and you all know it. We're not going to call each other names or punch each other in the throat or jump into the vacuum of space because we're a family and we're going to act like it. Not just a team, a family.
Richards: I, uh, just became a Guardian-
Phantasm: Alex, you've been a Guardian since the ASA mission; we just didn't think to tell you yet. I'm sure that sounds kinda dickish, but we mean we didn't know if we should cramp your style or not-
Omega: Plus we didn't know whether or not you'd want to hang out with a bunch of people in a space dragon.
[Alex seems genuinely confused by this.]
Richards: Who wouldn't want to hang out with a bunch of people in a space dragon?
Phantasm: At least a couple of people.
[Polar turns toward the 'camera'.]
Phantasm: Which is ok- we realise that some of you are opposed to power armor, super powers and space dragons in your wrestling, and that's fine. We just kindly ask that you learn to cope with it.
[Turning back to the team, Polar continues his speech.]
Phantasm: What we need to do is get our heads together on this, figure out a solution together. What do we have that...
[Polar rubs his chin.]
Phantasm: What do we have? Who's holding?
[At this suggestion, ears perk up. Omega, especially, seems encouraged by this question- he snaps his fingers and asks Bonnie a question.]
Omega: Emergency rations.
Bonnie: What?
Omega: Have you changed the tires on the Ranchero lately?
Bonnie: No... why?
[Omega is already out of his seat as he replies.]
Omega (shouted): Steel belted radials!
[Polar just shakes his head.]
Phantasm: I know how he's gonna get it out, but... how the fuck did he get it in there? Like, when?
Bonnie: Did he trap my car? Son of a... Jay trapped my car. My car!
Phantasm: I know, right?
Nightmare: Did what, now?
Bonnie: Nothin', just- I don't know whether to be proud of him or mad at him.
Phantasm: The tires- it's a classy move. Nobody ever looks in the tires...
[Alex turns to Crystal, glad he's less confused than someone else for once.]
Richards: Jay did something good I think. Something about tires. Are you hungry? I'm thinking pancakes.
------------------------------------------------
"Feels good
I'm stranded in my spaceship hideaway
And something makes me think I'm here to stay
I'm so happy where I am..." -Jamiroquai, Feels So Good
Born in the future, destined for glory in the past; her entire culture was wiped from existence in the blink of an eye. As a founding member of the Guardians, and with the aid of a wisecracking humanoid cat and a cybernetic Hank Brown, she uses her time traveling Ranchero to help defend the Metaverse and the UCI, the importance of which is as yet unknown. Time waits for no man, but it obeys one woman... THE DAUGHTER OF TIME, BONNIE BLUE!
Offbeat. Outlandish. Bizarre. These are just some of the words used to describe him, though they barely scratch the surface. The surreal is commonplace in his world, and random chance seems to be either his best friend or his guardian angel. Mimsy were the borogroves, and flubbity-wub-wub, flubbity-flubba-wub. What you see as gibberish makes perfect sense to... THE ARCHDUKE OF MASS CONFUSION, ALEX RICHARDS!
Some would call him unconventional. Some would say eccentric. Still others would prefer the term insane. But one word they would all agree on is dangerous. How else would you describe a man who claims to have traveled through time, across dimensions, fought literal gods, and lived to tell the tale? Such may sound like utter nonsense, but that's just another day in the absurd life of future UCI World Champion, and founding Guardians member... THE OMEGA MAN, JAY OMEGA!
Introduced to one another in a deathmatch, they became a team both in combat and in life. He, the Polar Phantasm, calculating yet comedic, intense yet irreverent... she, Nightmare, virtuous yet violent, belligerent yet beautiful. Together they work to defend this universe as strategist and infiltrationist (respectively) of the Guardians... they are THE UNSTABLE ELEMENTS!
[In their short time together, the Guardians have faced numerous challenges; most recently, they managed to survive first contact with a warlike alien race after paying a visit to their homeworld of Aja Darrik. Now the Guardians face an equally daunting task; stranded in space with only themselves as company and their wits as ammunition, our five heroes must find a way to get home...and try to keep themselves sane in the process.]
[That said, sanity hasn't always been a strong suit of this crew... perhaps their solution resides in the 'insane' portions of human thought? We're likely to find out... especially if Jay Omega can't find where he left his stash. What sort of monster would be cruel enough to stick these five in the dead of space without any marijuana?]
[Not this monster, that's for sure. I actually like these fuckers. Probably a bit too much for my own good... but we'll get to that, surely. After all, what's a day stranded in space without a bit of comedy... or, at the very least, a Comedian?]
----------------------------------------------
POLAR PHANTASM #7: Cabin Fever
----------------------------------------------
[Scene: Grimmauld, continued. On the table before the five Guardians sits a piece of an off-road tire and a worn hacksaw... as well as about half a pound of marijuana. Good lord, 'Megs, did you make a stop in Amsterdam on your way to space? I digress. Judging by the smallish roach we see Jay passing to Alex, we can assume that the team has properly medicated themselves by this point... or, at the very least, have started to get there.]
Nightmare: Oh god, so much better- I'm sorry for anything I said or did in the past hour or two, whatever it was.
Omega: Surprisingly, wasn't anything too bad. Bit of mumbling about how you wanted to kill us or something, but nothing major.
Nightmare: Oh. That all?
Omega: Yeah, Bonnie is the one who was worrying me. We're used to you being unreasonable.
Phantasm: As well you should be.
[He gives his wife a smile; her instinctive urge to argue the point fades slightly at this, petering out in a frustrated mumbling noise.]
Bonnie: We've gotta be able to find somethin' to do other than this-
[The Daughter of Time unceremoniously pushes a hand toward the 'Will You Triumph?' board(?) before them.]
Bonnie: -seriously, anything. I'd even play you in Scrabble, Cam.
[Polar raises an eyebrow; Nightmare shakes her head vigorously, her eyes widening.]
Nightmare: No. Just... don't do it. Please don't get him started.
[Bonnie laughs slightly.]
Bonnie: That bad, huh?
Phantasm: What? I like Scrabble.
Nightmare: Cam, you regularly score 350+. I thought we'd agreed no more 'friendly' games of Scrabble for you.
Richards: Wait, you can score that high in Scrabble?
Nightmare: You can if you bingo twice in a game. Would you believe this asshole made me cry with a Scrabble game?
[The whole team looks at the Phantasm with something between concern and disapproval; he chuckles, shaking his head.]
Phantasm: To be fair, I couldn't help it- it was just too good.
Nightmare: Son of a bitch got a bingo for the word 'SWOLLEN'. And put it on the end of the word 'VAGINA'.
[There is a brief pause as this information sinks in.]
Omega: ...did you make your wife cry with swollen vaginas? That's...
Richards: That is equal parts disturbing and awesome, man. Good on ya!
Phantasm: Kinda had to do it, right? I mean, it was staring me in the face.
Omega: There comes a time in every man's life when he must encounter swollen vaginas with bravery and determination.
[Bonnie puts her head down on the table, either taking an impromptu nap or giving up on this conversation entirely. Maybe a bit of both?]
Phantasm: Alright, enough of that. This conversation is giving my wife PTSD and I'm pretty sure Bonnie just got like eleven migraines at once.
[Still reliving the moment, Crystal Bankston mumbles in disbelief.]
Nightmare: It was like... 130 points or some shit. Utterly ridiculous.
[Omega has an idea, thankfully- someone needed to save Polar from what would inevitably become a very, very bad night.]
Omega: Hey, you guys wanna play Dungeons and Dragons?
[At this, Bonnie lifts her head.]
Bonnie: That's the best idea you've had since you remembered where the weed was.
Omega: That was like, half an hour ago tops.
Bonnie: Still true!
Nightmare: Battlerager. Calling it!
Richards: Can I be a priest? Not the molesty kind, though. Can I be like, the bishop of Pastafarianism?
Omega: Thief, all day. Wait- ninja. No, thief. Thief that's a ninja. Yeah, that's the ticket...
Bonnie: Ooh, I'm going bard. I've been practicing my "air lute" skills.
[Everybody looks at Bonnie with a humored expression on their faces.]
Bonnie: ...what? Come on, y'all, we were even at the Ren Faire like two weeks ago. How is that weird?
Phantasm: Hmm... not sure what to be...
[Suddenly, time seems to slow...to a dead stop. From behind the Phantasm, a familiar voice decides for him.]
Comedian: ...druid. We always pick druid.
[The Phantasm gets up from the table, slowly turning around to once again greet a specter that has haunted him throughout the years.]
Phantasm: The Comedian, I presume...seeing as how it's doubtful I'd run into Lucien Hicks in space, I'm guessing you're the other one.
[There, before the Polar Phantasm, stands a man of roughly six feet and two hundred ten pounds. He wears a pair of worn-out blue jeans, some non-slip soled black shoes and a grey t-shirt with an 'Autobot' sigil plainly emblazoned across the front. Above that he wears a long black trenchcoat, a series of pins over his heart: a military-style medal in purple, green and gold with the crest of the Krewe of Rex, king of Carnival... a heart-shaped pin reading "I'm an Organ Donor"... a flag pin reading "City of Kenner"... and a round black pin with the glowing white eyes and teeth of a beast on it.]
Comedian: I told you, man, you can just call me Brian. We're friends, right? God, I hope so.
Phantasm: Ha! God... that's a trip. You were a Catholic school kid too, weren't you?
Comedian: Dude, I was all of it. Remember? Where do you think you get it from?
[The Comedian lets the statement hang there; the Phantasm just watches it hang.]
Comedian: Moving on- I didn't show up to talk about how much we hated high school, dig?
[Polar nods his head slowly.]
Phantasm: Something big is up. That's why you're here, isn't it? Everytime you show up shit gets weird.
Bonnie: Cam...
[Both creator and creation turn to see a confused-looking Bonnie Blue, still calmly seated.]
Bonnie: ...who is this guy and where did he come from?
[The Comedian facepalms, laughing slightly behind his shield.]
Comedian: Oh... oh, yeah. I didn't even think about it... the Zack Morris time-stop gag doesn't work on people if they're out of phase. Hi Bonnie! Big fan.
[She turns to the Phantasm, unsure of how to respond to this.]
Phantasm: His name is Brian and he's a comedian from New Orleans. He created me... we've lived mostly the same life, he knows a frightening amount of information about what's going on and he's generally pretty helpful, if a bit cryptic.
Bonnie: Created you? Like, came up with your gimmick or somethin'?
Comedian: It's kinda hard to explain without completely fucking your head up-
Bonnie: Try me. I was grown in a lab, bucko- I can take whatever you got.
Comedian: Heh. Uh, you were actually created... no. No, not my place. Just... trust me, there are some things you don't want to know.
Phantasm: He says we're fictional. And I can't really argue with him...
Comedian: ...yet you have. Fairly successfully, I might add. Honestly, I can't really dispute how real you are.. either of you. You're more real than most people I know.
Bonnie: Ok, this is a bit much, even for me. What- what could you possibly expect us to do with that information? Lose hope? Give up on life?
Comedian: No! Not no, but fuck no. You five, you can- no, you fucking will - do some of the most amazing shit conceivable by man; don't you dare give up on life. You're only seeing the tip of the iceberg; you will all end up becoming more powerful than you can imagine at this point, and you'll do it as a team. That's why you don't give up or lose hope. You guys are hope.
[There is a moment of silence as the Comedian looks over to Polar, judging his reaction to all of this.]
Bonnie: Earlier, you said I was out of phase-
Phantasm: -yeah, what's up with that?
Comedian: You're the Daughter of Time, Bonnie. Just like your predecessor, you're at least partially immune to the effects of time... and can both actively and passively modify its ebb and flow. You've slowed time before... same power that lets you do that also keeps you from being slowed yourself. Same reason you age slower than the rest of us. Well... the rest of y'all, anyway. Pretty sure I'm aging at double-time, these days.
[The Comedian slumps into Polar's former seat, leaning onto Nightmare's shoulder.]
Phantasm: She still thinks you're make-believe.
Comedian: Even after she met me?!... I know. Heh.
Bonnie: Crystal's seen him too?
Phantasm: Yeah, just the two of us... she didn't like his answers, so she called him an asshole and now she acts like I made the whole thing up.
Comedian: Yeah.
[He looks at Nightmare with the gaze of a proud father.]
Comedian: She's perfect, isn't she?
Bonnie: Oh, not even close. Ah, I mean... she has her moments!
Comedian: She's supposed to be like that. If she wasn't kind of insane in that lovable sort of way, he'd get bored with her. Cam, is she ever boring?
[Polar shakes his head.]
Phantasm: Yeah, not even once. She's occasionally too interesting.
Comedian: Wait, seriously? You trying to find a downside to hot crazy wife that keeps you from getting too lost in your head? Bonnie, help me out here- homeboy's fuckin' up, right?
Bonnie: I'm still not sure what's going on here. If you're... Polar's creator, or god, or whatever... why are you here, now, on this ship? And more importantly, can you help us get home?
[The Comedian gives a dignified nod of the head to the young lady, deliberately turning back to his id unleashed.]
Comedian: That's the kinda questions you should be asking me, man- you're getting out-Phantasmed in your own promo.
[Still glaring at the Comedian, Polar answers his teammate.]
Phantasm: He's here because something big is happening, or about to happen... he only seems to show up when shit's about to get really weird. And yeah, he could get us home. He could do it right now, if he wanted.
Comedian: Oh yeah, totally. Josh would kill me for fucking up his piece, though, so that ain't happening. First thing's first... this team has faced some serious challenges and some awesome adventures already, but nothing like what's coming. You need to get back home and you need to get back to work.
Bonnie: You mean... UCI, right? Not-
Comedian: No, nooo. No indeed! We don't say the name where I come from either, by the way. Of course I mean UCI... specifically, though, you need to get back to Chicago.
Phantasm: I had a feeling something was up with Chicago! Oh, shit...
[Polar's excitement at his 'danger senses' being correct (not a 'power' per se, just the distilled result of paranoia) are quickly dashed by his realization that his 'informant' is this fuckin' guy.]
Phantasm: Oh. Shit. Are you gonna do that cryptic bullshit now and tiptoe around a fucking point, or are you gonna actually tell us anything meaningful?
Comedian: The Wave affected more than anyone knows yet; the first answers to what happened to cause everything- this reality, everything- are in Chicago. You're going to come to learn a few names well, Phantasm- Taylor Wright, for instance.
Bonnie: Tough a customer as they come.
Phantasm: Yeah, I've scouted that guy before- shit, I wish I had Eye-Seven out here.
Comedian: Or you could just, you know...
Phantasm: ...ask you? Alright, fuck it, I'll bite. Make me laugh, Comedian.
Comedian: Oh, no- that's not what this is. This isn't a joke, Cam... this guy's for real. Remember? I only show up when shit's about to get serious? Well, meet Taylor Wright. 6'3", 235 pounds, zero fucks given. He's no mat wrestler; guy's power and fury and flight to match, and he's got backing.
Phantasm: Oh... really, now?
Comedian: Tip of the iceberg, my frosty friend. Tip of the fucking iceberg. And it's just gonna get more serious from here... you met the Mayor of Chicago yet, Cam?
Bonnie: The Mayor-
Phantasm: Sanchez? I've passed him backstage, but... come on, how bad can he be? He's a wrestling mayor. Even I think that gimmick's ridiculous, and I'm-
[The Comedian motions down; Polar looks at his hands to see that he's doing that absent-minded ice sculpture thing again.]
Comedian: -yeah, you're the Polar Phantasm. Sometimes a gimmick is a gimmick, and sometimes that gimmick is your life. The Mayor's the Mayor just like the Polar Phantasm's finally grown into his name.
Phantasm: ...how?
[The Comedian looks with a squint, as if looking into the Phantasm for the rest of his question. Polar lifts his hands, revealing a pretty kickass looking penguin.]
Comedian: The answers are out there, waiting for you to find them... but make no mistake about it, man- this is your life. You were always the Polar Phantasm, even when you were a child... a teenager... a Kid. You knew it... Crystal knew it. What neither of you knew was what that meant... and now you've made one more step in your evolution, becoming what you were born to be.
Phantasm: A human popsicle.
Comedian: Oh, come on, Cam- that wasn't even a good comedic deflection, man! Right now you're a kid playing with matches, but once you figure out how to focus yourself and put your mind to it you'll be playing with power. That brain of yours... of ours, I guess... was dangerous as hell before, but christ- I wouldn't fuck with a guy who can freeze the water in your brain solid just by wanting it to happen, that's all I'm saying.
Phantasm: ...holy fuck, I can do that?!
Bonnie: That can't be right-
[Bonnie thinks for half a second before questioning, perhaps questioning herself.]
Bonnie: -can it?
Comedian: Whatever you do, don't try it. Unless, you know... eh, keep it under your hat. You're more sportsmanlike than that anyway, Polar...
[The Comedian turns to the youngest member of the Guardians crew, whispering to her some reaffirmations. And then, you know, stampeding into one of his rants.]
Comedian: He totally is. Do you have any idea how infuriating it is that this dude still hasn't killed Nathan von Liebert? To me, even. To me! Seriously, once I'm gone- put your foot up his ass, ok? Keep him sharp and ready to draw blood, 'cause shit's getting real.
[Bonnie just nods, not really knowing what else to do... and half-distracted anyhow, what with her mind already at work trying to decipher the Comedian's statements about 'The Wave' and 'Chicago'. The Comedian looks back to the Phantasm, smile on his face.]
Comedian: You're the best part of me, Cameron Bankston. You're exactly where you always should've been... you're where you can do the most damage. That's what you need to remember- we've always been builders, man, but... you used to be a destroyer. And you were really, really good at it.
[Polar clutches his temples as if having a sudden (and apocalyptic) headache.]
Phantasm: I... can't remember...?
Comedian: Another lifetime, my friend... but in any reality, a Phantasm is a Phantasm, and a Phantasm is you. When the time comes- and it's coming, rightly soon- when you've gotta bring down a house, you bring down that house. You've been having so much fun building, you've forgotten how fun it is to tear some shit apart! And you, Bonnie-
[The Comedian turns back to Bonnie Blue, who has held her composure quite well for someone whose eyes are screaming confusion and/or alarm at everything happening before them.]
Bonnie: ...yeah?
[The Comedian takes a deep breath, calmly expressing himself.]
Comedian: You're the heart and soul of this team. You're the reason all of this came together in the first place- you. You're one of the most amazing people I've ever met and working with you and those other two jerks is the most fun I've had in my life, so... deal with it, ok? Be moody and be miserable and be self-deprecating; shit, that's foreplay for me, I'm a fuckin' comic. But don't ever forget that you're the gravity that holds this universe together. No matter how far away my mind gets, you're what keeps pulling me back. The universe needs gravity. I need gravity.
[There is a pause as the Comedian rolls his eyes and sighs at his own inability to express himself without ranting. Bonnie Blue, however, has let herself slide into out-and-out confusion.]
Bonnie: That message was for me?
[Quietly, as he turns away, the Comedian responds.]
Comedian: Eh, something like that.
Phantasm: Leaving so soon, Comedian? You still haven't even told me a joke yet!
[The Comedian turns back to see a sly smile on the face of his most beloved creation; he can't help but laugh and shake his head.]
Comedian: I tell jokes to the world, Cam... you're a part of me, though, and I try to stick to telling myself the truth whenever possible. I will give you an alley-oop, though...
[Both Bonnie and Polar perk up at this news, awaiting an easy lay-up.]
Comedian: If you don't like your angle, change it. Oh shit, look at that!
[The Comedian points behind the two Guardians; as they turn to see what the trenchcoated eccentric was referencing, they witness their teammates un-pause and resume preparation for a game of Dungeons and Dragons.]
Nightmare: Five bucks says Polar goes druid.
[Jay is first to notice, Alex and Crystal finishing in second and third place; off a few feet away from their table, Bonnie and Polar seem both deep into an idea and completely lost at the same time. It's almost as if they'd suddenly jumped a few minutes ahead of the others or something... but that's not possible. Is it?]
Omega: What's up, you two? You, uh... weren't you two sitting over here like, four seconds ago?
Nightmare: Yeah- Cam, you were right next to me when I looked over this way, and now...
Richards: OH! We all had a black-out! That's fun. We should do a game night every week.
[Polar and Bonnie can't help but ignore their friends' very valid questions; they're both mulling over the Comedian's parting words.]
Bonnie: Angle... if we don't like our angle...
Omega: Wait, what's wrong with our angle? Did Creative tell you guys our team wasn't getting over or something? 'Cause that's bull- we're trending so hard on the Internet that I'm pretty sure Twitter itself is trying to fuck me.
Nightmare: ...what gender is Twitter? Do apps have a gender?
Phantasm: ...if you don't like your angle, change it...
Omega: Snapchat is totally a 45 year old pervert dressed as a 16 year old cheerleader.
Richards: Should we assume Google Maps is a woman just because if it was a man it'd consider itself irrelevant?
Nightmare: Instagram is a twenty-something guy with a handlebar mustache who collects... gonna say movie ticket stubs from before 1978. Yeah, sticking with that.
Phantasm: Best I can come up with is we push the comet toward Grimmauld with our vehicles, but... without Eye-Seven, there's no way in hell I'm getting the math on that even close to right.
Omega: Wait- guys, that sounds like at least half a plan-
Nightmare: Baby, you figured out how to get us out of here?!
Phantasm: No, not yet... we're still missing something.
[Nightmare sighs in frustration.]
Richards: We still gonna play D&D or what?
[In a frustrated grumble, Nightmare responds.]
Nightmare: All I wanna do right now is blow something up!
[With that statement, something clicks in the mind of the Phantasm- he steps toward the table, Bonnie following close behind. Polar turns to Bonnie, then to the others.]
Phantasm: How're the targeting systems on your cruisers?
Richards: I usually hit something when I shoot.
Bonnie: Pretty accurate, I 'spect... why, watcha thinkin'?
Phantasm: Could y'all hit one of your own projectiles?
Nightmare: For sure! ....probably!
Richards: I can probably... hit something, but... yeah, I'm out.
Bonnie: That's gonna be way tougher'n shootin' clay pigeons, Polar... could we take a few practice shots, get a feel for it?
Richards: Yeah, I could give it a swing!
Nightmare: Oh, please... please, please let me shoot something that blows up. I've been ever so good!
[His wife smiles at him sweetly; the Phantasm doesn't flinch in expression with the exception of a quick wink back at her.]
Phantasm: Y'all take a few practice attempts, but try to keep the waste to a minimum; we're running low on time and low on explosives, so make every stitch of both count. Here we go, Guardians- time to punch back in!
[The others dash off to take a few warm-up swings, leaving Polar and a curious Jay Omega in their wake.]
Omega: Where you want me, bossman?
[Polar smiles.]
Phantasm: I ain't your boss, brutha- I'm your guardian fuckin' angel.
Omega: Shit, we're both screwed.
Phantasm: Yeah you right.
[The two men high-five.]
Phantasm: Me and you, we've got the lighter craft... so we're gonna have to practice going tandem. Two shooters, one target.
Omega: Two shots, one boom. Bangarang. To our chariots, then?
Phantasm: Absolutely. And when we get back to P:A, we should really get a D&D game on... invite a few of the gang over, do it in the hologym. Do it big, you know?
[Over their earpiece radios, Nightmare's voice chimes in.]
Nightmare: I'm battlerager- I'm calling it now!
Everyone Else: We know!
[One by one, the five Guardians pilot their craft out into the ebon void of space... will the Phantasm's wild idea save the day? Can the Guardians get back to Chicago to face their matches (as well as the great unknown)? Will I ever stop cameoing in my own promos*? All of these questions and more to be answered in the next exciting installment of Guardians: A Bottle of Space!]
(* - This question will not be answered in Omega's promo; it will be answered now. No. -B.)
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A BOTTLE OF SPACE
Episode Three: Cabin Fever
Series conceived by Jay Omega, Bonnie Blue and the Polar Phantasm
Series directed by Jay Omega
Episode written by the Polar Phantasm
[(c) United Championship Infinite 2016. All rights reserved.]
