Why Are Ü Here??
Jun 12, 2016 14:03:23 GMT -6
"Mr. God" Benjamin Atreyu, Spencer Adams, and 2 more like this
Post by Kyle Cameron on Jun 12, 2016 14:03:23 GMT -6
PROMO #3 - Why Are Ü Here??
Dustin Beaver. That was the first thought that came to me when I saw the big ole cockroach crawling on the wall next to me.
These types of pests were sadly a bit common here at home, which is admittedly a bit of a mess most of the times. Occasionally my mom gets the urge to clean up every bit of the house until it's sparkling, and she usually manages to rope me into it too. Without fail though, the house would quickly return to it's trashed ways, often as fast as a week. And thus the roaches would return.
I was prepared though. To my side was an old shoe that was way too tight for me to wear anymore. As soon as the roach zoomed past me, I grabbed the shoe. I suddenly became Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the roach the Predator. The Hunt was on.
I knew he was around here somewhere. He couldn't hide from me for long. Then I saw it! The little mobile brown spot on the wall.
BAM!
I slapped the shoe right on the wall, only for the roach to escape within seconds.
These types of pests were sadly a bit common here at home, which is admittedly a bit of a mess most of the times. Occasionally my mom gets the urge to clean up every bit of the house until it's sparkling, and she usually manages to rope me into it too. Without fail though, the house would quickly return to it's trashed ways, often as fast as a week. And thus the roaches would return.
I was prepared though. To my side was an old shoe that was way too tight for me to wear anymore. As soon as the roach zoomed past me, I grabbed the shoe. I suddenly became Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the roach the Predator. The Hunt was on.
I knew he was around here somewhere. He couldn't hide from me for long. Then I saw it! The little mobile brown spot on the wall.
BAM!
I slapped the shoe right on the wall, only for the roach to escape within seconds.
Kyle Cameron: Fuck.
Interviewer: What's going on Kyle? I heard a noise just now, are you alright?
Oh yeah. I forgot to mention that while all this was happening, I was supposed to be doing a skype interview to promote Lazarus. Audio only, of course, I don't need everyone in the world knowing how shitty my humble abode was. Although with this little fucker running around and me trying to catch him, perhaps the truth would come out anyway.
Kyle Cameron: No man, everything's fine. Nothing to worry about, no sir no sir.
Interviewer: Well I just wanted to start off by asking-
BAM!
FINALLY! I caught the little fucker where the sun literally does not shine, at the bottom of my shoe. Bugger was finally dead, and dropped to the floor in a juicy, insect-y heap.
Kyle Cameron: HA! Take that you little fucker!
Interviewer: I'm sorry, what?
Kyle Cameron: Oh. Uhh, don't mind me, that was uhhhh...just me rewatching some clips of myself in action. Boy oh boy, that little fucker Asheer Bradley had it coming, didn't he?
Dead silence on the other side. The interviewer, David Romero, was a bit of a famous podcaster on the interwebs, well known for his hard hitting questions and generally tough demeanor. I figured I'd have an easy time taking him on.
Kyle Cameron: Anyway, you were saying?
David Romero: I was about to ask you how you were enjoying Chicago, because I'm aware it's a bit of a change of scenery for you, is it not?
Kyle Cameron: That's right Davey. L.A is a bit more...hardcore then Chi-Town, but I can still get the necessities here.
David Romero: And what counts as necessities to you, Mr. Cameron?
Kyle Cameron: Oh the usual. A bottle of Fireball, some ganja when I can get away with it, and some uhh...sugar walls when it's available, hehe.
David Romero: I'm sorry, what?
Kyle Cameron: You know, that stench trench?
David Romero: Pardon?
Kyle Cameron: That penis fly trap?
David Romero: I'm sorry, I'm not following.
Kyle Cameron: I'M TALKING ABOUT PUSSY, OKAY?!
David Romero: OH! Then why didn't you say so? You could've just said that, there's no censorship on my podcast, no need for...those really weird euphemisms you just used.
Kyle Cameron: Whatever. Next question.
David Romero: Fine. I'd just like to ask your opinion on this little losing streak you appear to be on. You've won exactly one match since joining the UCI, and that was against two men who haven't been seen since.
Kyle Cameron: Yeah, I beat them so bad I scared them out of the damn fed.
David Romero: You won with a sneaky pin that quite frankly should've gotten you disqualified.
Kyle Cameron: Oh! So it's illegal to pin now isn't it?
David Romero: You were pulling the man's tights, for god's sake. I don't know if you realize this, but that's illegal.
Kyle Cameron: What the fuck are you trying to say, man? Trying to say I don't know what I'm doing? What a lotta nerve you get there, buddy. Lemme tell you something, not everyone is Superman out there. Sometimes you gotta take a loss, I've taken two the past two weeks, but both of those were very hard fought bouts on my part.
David Romero: Hard fought? Those matches were incredibly one sided and boring as hell to watch.
Kyle Cameron: SHUT YOUR FACE, DUDE. You're not a wrestler, you don't understand how difficult it is to be in that ring with a bunch of FUCKIN LOSERS yelling at you out of jealousy. Buncha ungrateful little DICKFUCKS if you ask me. But trust me, Lazarus is gonna be a different story, just you wait and see. Ain't no way I ain't walking outta that dingey little warehouse #1 contender. AIN'T NO WAY.
David Romero: Let's talk about then, what gives you idea that you'll beat Dustin Beaver, a wrestler who, as little experience as he has, seems to be leaps and bounds more experienced then you.
Dustin Beaver. Once again that name reminded me of the dead cockroach at my feet. My brain began making the connections between the two. Beaver, just like that late roach, was a pest to not only myself but to much of the rest of the locker room, and this week was my chance to stomp the little bugger out.
David Romero: Kyle? You still there? Did my call drop?
Kyle Cameron: Nah, I'm still, here. Just...thinking and shit. Y'see Dustin Beaver doesn't deserve to even be mentioned in the same sentence as me. I got my first win in the federation on night fucking one. It took Beaver three weeks to get his first win, and does anybody remember what happened in that match? HELL NO. When KYLE. CHAMPION. CAMERON. Is on your screen, that equals ratings. Dustin Beaver on your screen is fuckin jumping the shark. And while I get booed by those fucking jealous HO'S week in and week out, I can at least pride myself with knowing I'm inspiring a genuine reaction. The only reaction Dustin inspires is pure apathy. "Boooooo this kid is boring, get him off my screen." Dude's right where he belongs on the card, while I'm stuck wallowing here undeservedly with all these fuckin LOSERS. Wentworth, I hope you plan on taking a personal day next week after I fuckin destroy you for that belt. Cause Kyle Cameron as TV Champ. That's a fuckin guarantee.
David Romero: ...okay, you didn't really answer the question, but whatever. I have more interviews I need to conduct today, so any parting words before we finish Kyle?
Kyle Cameron: Yeah, fuck you Dustin, eat shit a lose.
I was expecting one final word from David but he hung up rather abruptly on me. Figures. But as I exited Skype on my computer and got back on Chrome, I noticed a new email waiting for me to read. I figured out what it was quickly. I clicked the link to my inbox, and sure enough, the address was that of world famous Wildcat Championship belts. I read the email quickly, all it did was confirm that the belt I had ordered was being fabricated as we speak. I knew snooping around Management's office and snagging that bank account info would get me somewhere.
I checked the estimated delivery. Thursday, June 16th. Just in time for Overload. The UCI Galaxy was about to behold the sight...
of the ACTUAL World Heavyweight Champion
KYLE
CHAMPION
CAMERON!
I checked the estimated delivery. Thursday, June 16th. Just in time for Overload. The UCI Galaxy was about to behold the sight...
of the ACTUAL World Heavyweight Champion
KYLE
CHAMPION
CAMERON!
