Yo Polar!

...wow, is that a fuckin' list. What are you into? I mean, there's all kinda shit you could do. If I was on a ton of homework speed and didn't have a buttload of promo left to write I would drop a bunch of shit on y'all; couple quick tips, though.

* Fuck Bourbon Street. There, I said it. Upper Bourbon, mostly, am I speaking of- Lower Bourbon is the gay section, and they know what's up. You can actually get some pretty decent food on Lower Bourbon; Quartermaster Deli is 24/7 slinging plate specials and sammiches and all that, and there's Clover Grill- always a decent spot, though always crowded as fuck. (Those places, btw, are as out-of-the-closet as businesses can be. Quartermaster is called "The Nellie Deli"; Clover Grill's slogan is "Eat More Weenie") You looking to see some jazz? Preservation Hall, St. Peter between Bourbon and Royal. While you're over there, check out the flaming fountain at Pat O'Briens (only at night, but...when the fuck else is anyone on Bourbon?) You wanna get a drink at the place I used to pick up goths? (Yes. Yes, you do.) It's called The Dungeon and it's pretty much the shit- right off Bourbon on...fuck, I forgot what street. Just follow something really hot and pale-skinned; that'll be your guide to fun. But yeah- Bourbon's mostly strip clubs, daiquiri bars and skanky dives that sell super-sweet mass-produced cocktails in 'souvenir' plastic vessels that look like bongs. For like, 12$ a piece. Trust a tour guide: fuck Bourbon Street. You should definitely see it, though for my money it's at *least* as amazing as a Friday Night if you peep it out on your average weekday afternoon at about 3pm. That's when the strippers are first rolling out of bed, the asscrack of dawn for them's like 2:30. They roll out of bed, take the handful of pills they need to not feel anymore (you know, on the inside) and then wipe the dry coke out of their nose, pull on their booty shorts and head to work. Bring your camera. Oh, and there's Lafitte's Blacksmith Shop at Bourbon and St. Philip- building's been there since like 1722, used to be Jean Lafitte's (kickass pirate crime lord, saved New Orleans from certain defeat at the hands of the British in the Battle of New Orleans) front for his operations. The bar has power but still just goes by candlelight, and it's legendarily haunted. I've seen some ridiculous cameraphone pics of shit in that bar. Worth visiting if only to watch drunk sorority broads trip in the candlelit antique gin joint and eat floor like a clip from America's Funniest Home Videos.

* Frenchmen Street. You want to go to Frenchmen. The bars have long past caught onto the neighborhood's popularity with out of towners and jacked up the prices on everything like 150%, but it's still a must-see if you want to check out live local music and get some not-so-fancy kickass local chow. I'm a huge mark for 13 on Frenchmen; it's one of the Monaghan's family of bars, which means a) frozen irish coffee- yes, you want that. b) mostly a local crowd, lots of them service industry. Anytime you can find a kickass service industry hangout with great food in NOLA you know you're in the spot- those are some jaded mother fuckers, our waiters and bartenders are. There's Dragons Den over there (half the time it's reggae, half the time it's techno, all the time it's smoked the fuck out) and Checkpoint Charlie (one of my favorite games- walk into Checkpoint at like 2am and guess how many people in the bar are selling heroin), but then down the street you've got ultra-lounge Vaso, legendary music clubs DBA and Blue Nile, legendary shithole music clubs like Apple Barrel and the Spotted Cat and a handful of other spots you might wanna pop into.

* Faubourg Marigny- let's all say it together. Fo-burg Mare-in-ee. God damn French making everything so hard to pronounce... anyway, that's not the point. If you're into punk, metal, queer-friendly burlesque shows, naked plays, gangs of hipsters on bicycles and drunk girls named Eliza who throw things at you while you're on stage (that's right, bitch, I'm calling you out- heckle me again and I'll scrape your tattoos off with a Chore Boy. And then we make out for like an hour. ...sorry, imagination runnin' wild. Back on topic!), you will love the Marigny. A big selling point is this: some of the best bar kitchens in the city, and that's saying something. I often do the open mic comedy/burlesque night at Siberia (St. Claude Ave @ Marigny St); it's like 5 bucks, there's jokes and boobs and sometimes one of the hot half-naked broads brings her circus dog and we get a Stupid Pet Tricks segment from Letterman in the 90s. But, you know, with boobs. Oh yeah, Siberia's a punk/metal dive normally, so the crowd in there is... fun, especially when you're a comedian going up two and a half hours into a show. You might as well be trying to chair an AA meeting. Their kitchen is a Russian/Polish soul food spot... put it in your face with the quickness. Their Reuben sandwich alone will make you want to move in, or at the very least eat much of Russia. I had their stroganoff once and realized two things: one, that I've never had stroganoff that good in my life... and two, holy shit- did I just order stroganoff in a bar and somehow dodge all of the bullets ever? Yes, I did. Somehow in New Orleans you can play odds like that and get a payout that isn't E.Coli pretty much anywhere you go... but Jesus, please don't hold me to that. The Polar Phantasm is not responsible for anything you put in your body unless you find him and he smokes you out.

And yeah, that's just a very brief starter. I haven't even touched Uptown or Mid-City or the cemeteries... eh, maybe I'll throw some more shit at you in a few if you're into it.

Worst case, I am a certified licensed tour guide. Just sayin'. Heh.

-B.

Well fuck, now I feel inadequate LOL.

Better idea: FPV should roll into town while I'm in town, and the three of us can tear it up.