Two Gents Reunion Tour '95 - Part 1. Gents, Assemble!
Sept 26, 2019 13:46:21 GMT -6
Kevin Bishop likes this
Post by jenson on Sept 26, 2019 13:46:21 GMT -6
Kem - the final frontier. These are the voyages of the... OI! Who let the sci fi guy in here? Look, every time you come in here you try to bring that nonsense to an Andre Jenson segment, you really need to leave now. Do I have to get the spray? Now I have to narrate that I’m spraying you with water from a mister, are you happy? Get out of here with your unrealistic sci fi bull and begone! You hear me! I don’t ever want to see you narrating here again!
Sorry about that dear readers, I had to remove a rogue sci fi narrator who seems to think he’s the bees knees. Anyway, let’s begin, we’re in Kem, right? If you don’t know Kem, let’s bring you up to speed. Kem is a former wildlife sanctuary that Andre Jenson owns and operates his extensive and ludicrous LARP slash Dungeons and Dragons operation. I say operation, it’s more a way of life really. Andre is currently performing what the kids call “chilling out” in his “Lounge” while eating “food”.
Suddenly, and with much more force than is genuinely necessary on a Monday morning there is a bang on the door, which has the unmistakeable rap of a staff. Jenson promptly - as anyone would do when there is an irrationally loud knock on his or her door - ignores it. The knock happens again, seemingly annoyed at the inconvenience of having to do it twice. Jenson sighs, thinks that Amy or one of the other 9 or 10 supporting characters will answer, then scrambles when he remembers they’re all currently away on an expedition to a place called the Mall. He opens the door.
In front of him stands a man, or what can almost be passed as a man, he’s old, wizened and hunched over. His robes hide a gaunt face with silvery long beard. His piercing blue eyes shine with intensity.
“How can I help you old wise sage?” Asks Jenson, reverently.
“Letter for you” Comes the rather abrupt reply from a man who has clearly done this too many times.
“Does it come with a message, oh wizard of many colours?”
“For the last time, I’m UPS. Would you just take it off me, I mean it’s bad enough that you make me dress up like this every time I get on the island with any of your goddamn mail. I don’t want to actually talk. So just take the letter, sign this and let me just go.”
“Is that the message, or?”
The postman thinks about throwing the letter at Jenson, he has visions of launching it straight at Jenson’s face and hopefully somehow causing a rather nasty paper cut, just on his lip where it stings the most. He slightly smiles at himself, this vision has given him a tiny bit of satisfaction at least. So naturally, he thrusts the paper into Jenson’s hand with as much contempt as he can muster.
The envelope is a thick paper yellowing parchment type, with a glorious red wax seal. Perfect calligraphy is present on the front. That’s not the point though, curiously, it is addressed to “The Two gents comeback tour ‘95.”That’s the most peculiar thing about this whole thing, as Jenson and Teo Del Sol have not seen each other for a fair number of years and it this point the only interaction they have had since UCI closed was an annual christmas card and paired up for the reunion show. The UPS man is standing there looking at Jenson, angling for one of those tip things that Americans love so much. Jenson stares back at him before suddenly shouting “THE LUCHA HORN!”
Jenson slams the door in the UPS man’s face and races up many flights of stairs, getting himself up in a tangle as he does so. The floor he is aiming at is at the very top of the tower of his mansion (yes he has a tower in his mansion) and that floor simply contains one thing. The biggest horn you’ve ever seen in your life - it’s the size of a room, it’s that big. The cavernous end of the horn can fit in a minibus, that’s what we’re talking about. The mouthpiece is actually attached to a trumpet. Jenson grabs the trumpet and plays La Cucaracha.
The horn makes no sound, instead a graphic of Teo’s lucha mask shines in the sky, to be seen for miles around. Satisfied, Jenson retreats back to his living room, throws the letter on the table and waits for Teo to arrive. While he does, he starts looking through his picture book of great times he had with Teo, from their build a bear workshop, to chasing down bad guys, to the time when they faced down those damn dirty dwarves together. Jenson smiles as he catches an apple that randomly flies at his face from the bookshelf.
“Teo, good chap. We had some epic times. When we fought together as brothers, they were my fondest days. Every time I think about the adventures we had, it makes me just that little bit happier inside. They were innocent days, to think we haven’t seen each other since UCI closed? It’s madness. I thought we’d be together forever, but I guess that’s just life.”
Jenson then starts to drift his mind toward the reunion of UCI, again it brings a smile to his face.
“And the adventures to come! Just think Teo, we’re on the cusp of a reunion tour of the most glorious proportions. Imagine the scenes when we beat the Culture Club and become once again the number 1 contenders for the UCI tag titles! Those Mustachioed clowns will not know what hit them! We’ll represent the UCI as champions with class and dignity, I can’t wait!
First, I need to strategise!
OK, so we got Oblivion, Obi, Jacob Listerine! Big bad guy who’s ready to kill maim and destroy however he can. I shall forever remember him as that guy who made me host an evil galactic entity that is hell-bent on taking over the Earth though, I mean that bit wasn’t very fun. I really wish he hadn’t done that. It meant I had to beat the ever living hell out of him and to be honest, I don’t like multi-man matches, it’s not a very nice feeling having to face like 3 people. Especially if they have good rolls for initiative, you just have to stand there and watch and, well, it’s not that much fun. Shame for him though that the Two Gents Comeback Tour ‘95 are on a roll! We’re unstoppable! Like a freight train passing a speeding bullet! No amount of people in one body will stop the most gentlemanly duo ever seen in the ring. Teo Del Sol, Lucha extraordinaire and Andre Jenson, King of Kem, Lord of Undersund, Bane of champions and voted the most likely person to be in a mental ward 3 years in a row are your next UCI tag team champions! Just watch this space. Oblivion has no chance! I’ll throw lightning bolts after lightning bolts, Teo will use his Lucha skills and we will outsmart, outfight, outwrestle and outwit you all! Even if it is 5 against 2!”
Jenson excitedly stands up and paces around his living room as he thinks about the things they can and will do as champions of UCI.
“And Corey Bull! The Hatebringer! The 5th man on this tag team! He’s a very big strong angry man! How are we going to deal with him? I mean they might not need him if they have 4 other guys on the team, but yeah he’s dangerous nonetheless. But you know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna do what we do best and fight him with blinding speed, superior strength, excellent wits and more than enough balls to make sure this bull goes down! We’re like matadors, like cowboys, like Mataboys! Everyone knows that the bigger you are, the less intelligent you can be - mostly because you can’t hear people educate you and your brain is starved of oxygen because of the thin air. So we’ll easily outsmart you! We have stamina and we can last longer than any gents you can think of. Why is this? Because we have the desire, we have the fortitude and most of all, I just rolled a critical 20 for my agility skill, so I’m ready for some sweet ninja moves! Like Daniel Larusso I’ll take you down with a crane kick to the cranium you big dome headed goliathan! We’re gonna win this match, we’re going to beat Culture Club, we’re going to dance the night away and you’re gonna sing Karma Chameleon for us! It’s a win win!”
The doorbell rings and Jenson jumps up!
“He’s here! Only one person presses the doorbell that way! Let the Two Gents Reunion Tour ‘95 begin!”
A rather interesting sequence of events now occur. A sequence of events that inevitably leads to a lot of champagne being consumed and eventually for the Two Gents Comeback Tour ‘95 beating Culture Shock. The first in the sequence of events is Andre Jenson answers the door and gives Teo Del Sol a massive bear hug, making Teo drop the bag he was holding. A smash is heard.
“What was that?” Asked Jenson
“The spare champagne bottle I brought for smashing.” Came the reply.
“Good thinking, I have some on ice anyway.”
“I admire your planning capabilities. So you had an emergency La Cucaracha?”
“Yes son! We have to plan beating up the Culture Club! We need an emergency planning session!”
“OK, so I suggest we take Culture Shock and we use our superior skill!”
“Culture….Shock?”
“Yup, Culture Shock.”
“We may need more planning.”
“Did you plan about beating George Michael? And why are we still on your porch?”
“That might have been a thought I had. When did I get a porch? Let’s go inside. It’s a little weird on this porch, I need to speak to Amy about this”
“How is she?”
“She’s fine! She’s currently doing what they call in the youth community something called shopping”.
“I think they call it that in all communities.”
“Especially the youth ones.”
“Fair point, you’ve always had your finger on the pulse after all.
“True son, true. Either way, we need to get Two Gents Comeback Tour ‘95 on the road! I’ll go get the wine! You go make yourself at home! I’ll be right back.”
Teo walks in, and surveys the room. As he remembers the good days from being in Kem. He starts to reminisce.
”Times were hard on the gent front. The duo had been heard naught a peep from since their disbanding. The world was thrown into inexorable chaos without the plucky vigor of their two most celebrated heroes. For indeed, a world without gentlemanliness is no world worth living in! Villains, vagabonds, and other non-V ne’er do wells had their proverbial way with the world in their absence, even casting down the very company that spawned them. And now, with a reunion on the horizon, and the honor, dignity, the very reputation of UCI at stake, there could be only one recourse. The long-demanded, sought after, and honestly overdue of the two men who revolutionized the UCI Tag team division. Yes, indeed, it is time for a return to form for two of the greatest to ever don the spandex, to once again cast the die of fate into the realm of the unknown, to call upon that which has long lain dormant! It is time for the return of the two gen-”
“ Oy Teo, are you monologuin’ again?”
And this, ladies and gentlemen is where I pass the baton to the legend that is Teo Del Sol who’ll conclude with the rest of the story, probably before this is even posted. What a gentleman!
Sorry about that dear readers, I had to remove a rogue sci fi narrator who seems to think he’s the bees knees. Anyway, let’s begin, we’re in Kem, right? If you don’t know Kem, let’s bring you up to speed. Kem is a former wildlife sanctuary that Andre Jenson owns and operates his extensive and ludicrous LARP slash Dungeons and Dragons operation. I say operation, it’s more a way of life really. Andre is currently performing what the kids call “chilling out” in his “Lounge” while eating “food”.
Suddenly, and with much more force than is genuinely necessary on a Monday morning there is a bang on the door, which has the unmistakeable rap of a staff. Jenson promptly - as anyone would do when there is an irrationally loud knock on his or her door - ignores it. The knock happens again, seemingly annoyed at the inconvenience of having to do it twice. Jenson sighs, thinks that Amy or one of the other 9 or 10 supporting characters will answer, then scrambles when he remembers they’re all currently away on an expedition to a place called the Mall. He opens the door.
In front of him stands a man, or what can almost be passed as a man, he’s old, wizened and hunched over. His robes hide a gaunt face with silvery long beard. His piercing blue eyes shine with intensity.
“How can I help you old wise sage?” Asks Jenson, reverently.
“Letter for you” Comes the rather abrupt reply from a man who has clearly done this too many times.
“Does it come with a message, oh wizard of many colours?”
“For the last time, I’m UPS. Would you just take it off me, I mean it’s bad enough that you make me dress up like this every time I get on the island with any of your goddamn mail. I don’t want to actually talk. So just take the letter, sign this and let me just go.”
“Is that the message, or?”
The postman thinks about throwing the letter at Jenson, he has visions of launching it straight at Jenson’s face and hopefully somehow causing a rather nasty paper cut, just on his lip where it stings the most. He slightly smiles at himself, this vision has given him a tiny bit of satisfaction at least. So naturally, he thrusts the paper into Jenson’s hand with as much contempt as he can muster.
The envelope is a thick paper yellowing parchment type, with a glorious red wax seal. Perfect calligraphy is present on the front. That’s not the point though, curiously, it is addressed to “The Two gents comeback tour ‘95.”That’s the most peculiar thing about this whole thing, as Jenson and Teo Del Sol have not seen each other for a fair number of years and it this point the only interaction they have had since UCI closed was an annual christmas card and paired up for the reunion show. The UPS man is standing there looking at Jenson, angling for one of those tip things that Americans love so much. Jenson stares back at him before suddenly shouting “THE LUCHA HORN!”
Jenson slams the door in the UPS man’s face and races up many flights of stairs, getting himself up in a tangle as he does so. The floor he is aiming at is at the very top of the tower of his mansion (yes he has a tower in his mansion) and that floor simply contains one thing. The biggest horn you’ve ever seen in your life - it’s the size of a room, it’s that big. The cavernous end of the horn can fit in a minibus, that’s what we’re talking about. The mouthpiece is actually attached to a trumpet. Jenson grabs the trumpet and plays La Cucaracha.
The horn makes no sound, instead a graphic of Teo’s lucha mask shines in the sky, to be seen for miles around. Satisfied, Jenson retreats back to his living room, throws the letter on the table and waits for Teo to arrive. While he does, he starts looking through his picture book of great times he had with Teo, from their build a bear workshop, to chasing down bad guys, to the time when they faced down those damn dirty dwarves together. Jenson smiles as he catches an apple that randomly flies at his face from the bookshelf.
“Teo, good chap. We had some epic times. When we fought together as brothers, they were my fondest days. Every time I think about the adventures we had, it makes me just that little bit happier inside. They were innocent days, to think we haven’t seen each other since UCI closed? It’s madness. I thought we’d be together forever, but I guess that’s just life.”
Jenson then starts to drift his mind toward the reunion of UCI, again it brings a smile to his face.
“And the adventures to come! Just think Teo, we’re on the cusp of a reunion tour of the most glorious proportions. Imagine the scenes when we beat the Culture Club and become once again the number 1 contenders for the UCI tag titles! Those Mustachioed clowns will not know what hit them! We’ll represent the UCI as champions with class and dignity, I can’t wait!
First, I need to strategise!
OK, so we got Oblivion, Obi, Jacob Listerine! Big bad guy who’s ready to kill maim and destroy however he can. I shall forever remember him as that guy who made me host an evil galactic entity that is hell-bent on taking over the Earth though, I mean that bit wasn’t very fun. I really wish he hadn’t done that. It meant I had to beat the ever living hell out of him and to be honest, I don’t like multi-man matches, it’s not a very nice feeling having to face like 3 people. Especially if they have good rolls for initiative, you just have to stand there and watch and, well, it’s not that much fun. Shame for him though that the Two Gents Comeback Tour ‘95 are on a roll! We’re unstoppable! Like a freight train passing a speeding bullet! No amount of people in one body will stop the most gentlemanly duo ever seen in the ring. Teo Del Sol, Lucha extraordinaire and Andre Jenson, King of Kem, Lord of Undersund, Bane of champions and voted the most likely person to be in a mental ward 3 years in a row are your next UCI tag team champions! Just watch this space. Oblivion has no chance! I’ll throw lightning bolts after lightning bolts, Teo will use his Lucha skills and we will outsmart, outfight, outwrestle and outwit you all! Even if it is 5 against 2!”
Jenson excitedly stands up and paces around his living room as he thinks about the things they can and will do as champions of UCI.
“And Corey Bull! The Hatebringer! The 5th man on this tag team! He’s a very big strong angry man! How are we going to deal with him? I mean they might not need him if they have 4 other guys on the team, but yeah he’s dangerous nonetheless. But you know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna do what we do best and fight him with blinding speed, superior strength, excellent wits and more than enough balls to make sure this bull goes down! We’re like matadors, like cowboys, like Mataboys! Everyone knows that the bigger you are, the less intelligent you can be - mostly because you can’t hear people educate you and your brain is starved of oxygen because of the thin air. So we’ll easily outsmart you! We have stamina and we can last longer than any gents you can think of. Why is this? Because we have the desire, we have the fortitude and most of all, I just rolled a critical 20 for my agility skill, so I’m ready for some sweet ninja moves! Like Daniel Larusso I’ll take you down with a crane kick to the cranium you big dome headed goliathan! We’re gonna win this match, we’re going to beat Culture Club, we’re going to dance the night away and you’re gonna sing Karma Chameleon for us! It’s a win win!”
The doorbell rings and Jenson jumps up!
“He’s here! Only one person presses the doorbell that way! Let the Two Gents Reunion Tour ‘95 begin!”
A rather interesting sequence of events now occur. A sequence of events that inevitably leads to a lot of champagne being consumed and eventually for the Two Gents Comeback Tour ‘95 beating Culture Shock. The first in the sequence of events is Andre Jenson answers the door and gives Teo Del Sol a massive bear hug, making Teo drop the bag he was holding. A smash is heard.
“What was that?” Asked Jenson
“The spare champagne bottle I brought for smashing.” Came the reply.
“Good thinking, I have some on ice anyway.”
“I admire your planning capabilities. So you had an emergency La Cucaracha?”
“Yes son! We have to plan beating up the Culture Club! We need an emergency planning session!”
“OK, so I suggest we take Culture Shock and we use our superior skill!”
“Culture….Shock?”
“Yup, Culture Shock.”
“We may need more planning.”
“Did you plan about beating George Michael? And why are we still on your porch?”
“That might have been a thought I had. When did I get a porch? Let’s go inside. It’s a little weird on this porch, I need to speak to Amy about this”
“How is she?”
“She’s fine! She’s currently doing what they call in the youth community something called shopping”.
“I think they call it that in all communities.”
“Especially the youth ones.”
“Fair point, you’ve always had your finger on the pulse after all.
“True son, true. Either way, we need to get Two Gents Comeback Tour ‘95 on the road! I’ll go get the wine! You go make yourself at home! I’ll be right back.”
Teo walks in, and surveys the room. As he remembers the good days from being in Kem. He starts to reminisce.
”Times were hard on the gent front. The duo had been heard naught a peep from since their disbanding. The world was thrown into inexorable chaos without the plucky vigor of their two most celebrated heroes. For indeed, a world without gentlemanliness is no world worth living in! Villains, vagabonds, and other non-V ne’er do wells had their proverbial way with the world in their absence, even casting down the very company that spawned them. And now, with a reunion on the horizon, and the honor, dignity, the very reputation of UCI at stake, there could be only one recourse. The long-demanded, sought after, and honestly overdue of the two men who revolutionized the UCI Tag team division. Yes, indeed, it is time for a return to form for two of the greatest to ever don the spandex, to once again cast the die of fate into the realm of the unknown, to call upon that which has long lain dormant! It is time for the return of the two gen-”
“ Oy Teo, are you monologuin’ again?”
And this, ladies and gentlemen is where I pass the baton to the legend that is Teo Del Sol who’ll conclude with the rest of the story, probably before this is even posted. What a gentleman!