Camp Crystal Buddy

Camp Crystal Buddy



Enter the rumbling, puttering and stuttering of the 05’ Honda Accord. It has seen many miles and neglected by its owner. The air was thick with the aromas of pine and the unmistakable hallmarks of autumn. The forest and dark and deep little flower; beware if you should enter here.

Buddy Roman, Ruby in the front seats.

ZMAC in the back.

Special guest appearance by THE MACK Steve Orbit.

The car jossels around on the dirt road, beaten like a government mule with the case of the limber tail from the tool the shed outback by the red headed step child that was all grown up.

This was intended to be a mini vacation before KILLING FLOOR -> Let everyone else in them match get their lives straightened out.

“You know, Z, I’ve been in touch with your son Kassius and he said he could get me a great deal on this property. We’re going to do great things.” Says Buddy, looking in the rear view at ZMAC whose eyes are closed as he rests up against the window. “ Crystal Lake has a very rich and textured history, don’t cha know.”

ZMAC yawns.

“We’re going to Higgins Haven. Camp Crystal Lake is on the other side. They both share the water boundary.”

“No, I’m pretty sure this is Crystal Lake. I have the directions and everything.”

“Well then you took the wrong exit.”

“Z, I never take the wrong exit.”

The Honda Accord rumbles past the sign ‘WELCOME TO HIGGINS HAVEN’


“ SON OF MY WIFE!” Yells Buddy in annoyance.

The car pulls up to the dreary Packanack Lodge, main building to the camp.






Standing out front is Kassius McMorris, The elder of the two ZMAC kids. Kassius is half black, six foot three and lean like ZMAC. He’s also a flaming homosexual -> 2 Alarm -> not 5. AKA he can function in society without having to tell you that he’s queer but he’s also a vegan and you know those fuckin vegans. Won’t eat meat but its not tied to a personal ritual, so you know -> society has to fucking hear about it. Enjoy your salad, KMAC; just because you can’t hear that kale scream doesn’t mean that it don’t feel pain.

The group gets out of the car and immediately Budy gives out to Kassius.

“What the hell? What the hell is this? I thought we had a deal? This is not Crystal Lake. How can my plans come together on – whatever this – is! WHAT EVEN IS THIS!”

“ This is Higgins Haven. It’s right across the lake from Camp Crystal. It’s pretty much the same thing.” Replies Kassius.

Buddy shakes his head in the negative and replies with monotone disappointment.

“No, it isn’t.”

ZMAC gets a phone call and walks away. Ruby and Steve Orbit follow, leaving Buddy to argue with Kassius.

Its Kevy B on the line. ZMAC takes the call as he walks down to the docks.

“Whats up, Kevy B?”

“ZMAC, how the fuck are ya? I saw you and Buddy ride in on that Honda. Came to see the property that I just bought?”

“Let me guess,” Replies ZMAC. “You bought camp Crystal Lake.”

“I did!” Says Kevy B, proudly.

“Fuckin fan boy piece of shit. You would. Tell me, did you jerk off all over it yet?”

“Not – not yet. I bought it for Vincent Pryde. He’s going to use it as a training ground. You?”

“I don’t know, Vincent bought Higgins Haven from my son Kassius-> for something. I’m sure that’ll be revealed soon. He told me this was a mini vacation before Killing Floor but –“

“Jews.” They say in unison.

In the background you can hear Buddy yelling at Kassius.

“ I THOUGHT YOU WERE GAY. THIS PLACE IS RUN DOWN. WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE QUEER EYE FOR THE JEW GUY, PEOPLE. I WANT A REFUND. I ONLY WENT WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE MY GRANDSON!”

“I should go.” Says ZMAC to Kevy B.

“Nah, He’s a McMorris, he’ll be fine.” Replies Kevin.

“No, K is well – he’s sensitive.”

“O’no.” Realizes Kevin.

“Yah.” ZMAC hangs up the phone and looks at Ruby.

“Well, so much for a vacation.” She replies, shaking her head. “Guess I’ll go do damage control.”

Ruby heads back to the main lodge as Steve stays with ZMAC. The two start walking again towards another structure in the distance, chatting in the meantime.


“So, Z, hows it feel to finally be world champ after all this time.”

“Like just another day. Its kinda funny. I mean, I spent six years trying to get a world title and now that I got it, its there. I was a dog chasing cars ( LOL you faggots gone use dat? Fuck you ) and now that I got one, I don’t know what to do with it. ( LOL ‘ but ol’ z, now you gone get run ovah’ Yah, K thx Corey Bull you fucking retarded mouth breather ) I always thought that once I had this belt, shit was gonna be different but aint nothing different. I’m still Ol’ Z and I’m still holding this shit down 25 / 8. Now I’m the head of the company. I spent six years raging against the machine and now I am the machine. I lived long enough to see myself become the villain. ( LOL fuck you, I wuz always the villain. ) I mean, the best thing about this is that no one can take that away from me and as hard as they try, I have already run the circuit better and faster than anyone else. I’m a grand slam winner inside of six months. That’s fucking unheard of and Ol’ Z did it because unlike everyone else in this Killing Floor match -> I can play to strengths and weaknesses. ( Hey, Corey Bull -> Tell your sister her pussy is wicked sweet. But I’m sure you already know that. Take your pick over which one I mean.)”


“ Do you think your chances are good in this match?”


“Fairly decent. I mean, we got Bonnie, dicks hard. We got Kevy B -> that’ll be a tough go. Then you have Oblivion, Andre, Celeste something, A-Rick and Preecha. Sure, theres some fight in there but like-> against who? Its really in somebodies best interest to beat me and win Killing floor. I understand that I’m the guy to beat. I’m used to that. I was the guy to beat for the HM and TV Championship. The tag belts never got too far and that’s fine. The way I see it, I have no challengers to my belt. Just a bunch of guys that want to be the guy. Ol’ Z has been the guy since the day he walked in the door. Everyone else is still to this day, trying to get their place. Bonnie still feels insecure. Kevin still feels like hes owed a belt and wants to be the best even tough he has the best World title record in the company. Alex Richards wants the belt to show that his win wasn’t anything more than a passing fad. Celeste wants back in the mix. We have a series of world champions then we have Oblivion and Preecha. You’d be a fool to say they weren’t good enough to be a world champion but the question is, are they good enough to beat ya boi, Ol’ Z. The answer is -> Nah, they aint. They all gone tah try N’ they all gonna fail.

I have still, Steve, I have yet to have a one on one match for a world champion and I’m the mother fucking world champion. Do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel fucking amazing because it tells me that the third guy or in this case, all the former world champions have to be there just to take me out. The world knows that if it was Ol’ Z 1 V 1, -> the world would be full with Kayden Vosks and Keon Addessos.”

“Who?” Asks Steve.

“Exactly, pimp. Egg-fucking->zaxt’ly. Who these chumps that pump and jive only to be fed to the world champion of UCI. You see -> It takes a former champion -> To which, Corey bull aint ( unless we talkin bout champion of fuckin his sister LOL then see ya boi -> ol’ Z ) Or wait, son we got Celeste Mallory. I mean, where that bitch been for six months? No where cuz it fuckin looks like mother fuckin nowhere. He looks like some lake water goop you dig out cha asshole. Shee-it -> Be coming at cha boi like that. Aint gone be k-k-k-ummmin aftah nobody. I mean, If’in you want to be somebody then you gotz to be SOMEBODY -> YOU FEEL ME PIMP? N’ Celeste aint nobody. Pft, fuckin former world champion. Crawling back for a crumb cuz she went tah Hollywood and couldn’t gets Weinstines peckah tweetin’ with Antony Weiners cock rolled up in a five dollah footlong. You gotta make it holla son and Celeste, just aint makin it hollah.

These fuckin cheese heads bettah face the cheddah and get to Munstah’in ( LOL fuckin cheese puns. Ya boi-> he killing you with cheese puns. You FGTS ever lose to cheese puns? Andre? Yah, Andre knows whutz up.) cuz this shit is KILLING FLOOR and ya boi ol’ Z already done killed eleven careers in the U. Two career a months and now these rascally little twerps gone N’ try to steal what they aint done rightfully stole? Oh, Steve, its woefully so. I mean shit, there ain’t a challenger in the bunch unles my boi Crow comes down from the skyline and lops my head off with a butter knife. Fuckin scone me to death with Earl Grey and a packet of crisps. ( oh shit, Celeste, fuckin British Humor. [ fuckin INSERT JOHN CLEESE HERE] cuz he all you mother fuckin got ) But hey, Steve, you know me. I’m a fair guy. I’m as honest as the come. These dudes and dudetts gone get the shot of the shot at Killin Floor and they all got a chance cept’in for one thing. This aint a game of chance. This is a mother fuckin certainty. Shit, you be talkin like ol’ Z be scared or sumshit.”

They keep walking but ZMAC suddenly jumps backs looking scared.

“What happened?” Asked Steve.

“I got skerd, Steve. Ol’ Z done got shook. He got startled and boggled by his own mother fuckin shadow cuz dats Ol’ Z every mother fuckin day. Livin in his shadow. Livin’ in his greatness. Livin in a whole other part of fucking existence from these Killing floor bitches. I want these bitches to know Steven. Ol’ Z wants these bitches to know from the rootah to the tootah -> What it is they really in fo’ N’ truth be told I know most of them know what they in fo and yet they going along within it anyway. And do you know?”

“Yah, ya boy got this shit down pact. It aint cuz they can beat you, its just cuz they done that dumb -> stupid -> selfish pride.” Says Steven, laydown hard truths.

“Damn fucking right. All They see -> Shee-it -> if’in they be see’in anything is world fucking title. They seein’ gold. They see’in stars. They look up and they can see the Milky Way in the middle of the fuckin sun shine because they fuckin want too. They don’t see Killing Floor. They might say it, but they don’t see it. They don’t acknowledge it for what it is really is. All they see is the belt that ain’t on my mother fuckin shoulder as we speak because as we speak that belts on my mother fuckin THICK. My dick holds down the weak, Pimp. My dick holds down the pretendahs and the scrapers. They see the opportunity. Yo, real talk -> You throw a free lunch into a bear trap and some hobo gone be missin’ a few digits. And eye see a whole lot a hobos missing they hands N’ shit. Sunday night ol’ Z gone be wearing that shit around his neck with the World title still around his waist. Now can you dig that, cuz ol Z can fuckin dig it.”


They approach a house and Z’ motions to it.

“Yo, lets see if theres any grub up in here. Ol’Z gots to pack it on if’n he gone pack it in at Killin Floor.”

Steve Orbit shakes his head.

“Ain’t gone be nuttin’ good in there. Aint no negros out in the woods. Ain’t nobody where but chipmunks and white people. That house is prolly filled with Campbell’s condensed soup and off brand saltines. Aint gone be a single can of black eyed peas in the bunch, just you watch. Fuckin Negro gone have to settle for some like rotten can of tomato paste or lima beans. Fucking Tray-ag’ik.”

The two step inside and start walking around the house. There is a plaque on the brick fire place that reads: Haythem Q. Jarvis. Embolden spirit, enlightened knowledge and betterment of God. This plauque commemorates all he has done for the advancement of society and humanity.

Steve Orbit sneers. “ Fucin’ slave ownin’ piece of shit.”

“What makes you think he had slaves?” Asks ZMAC.

“What, do you think he got a plaque for saving a puppy? Shit, they give white folks the medal of honor just for going a day without shooting a black man. Dude owned slaves.”

“This is New Jersey. We’re in the North.”

“What, a northern Honkey can’t own a proud black man? You sayin the Northern white man too good to own my people?”

“What do you mean, you people?”

“Excuse me? What do YOU mean, you people?”

“Do you mean YOU people as in the white man that stands before you or the white man that stands before you that fought for the North to free slaves. How about the white man stands before you that has a black, gay, vegan son.”

“Shit son, that’s some real cultural appropriate shit. I’m sorry.” Replies Steve, realizing he got caught up in the moment.

“Nah, you want to talk about cultural appropriation, you can start by stripping down to your drawes, stick a chicken bone in your face and pray to your sky god for a good harvest you negro savage. White man cant appropriate culture if he invented it.”

Steve flares his nostrils as ZMACS remarks.

“Because, Steve, dude prolly owned a black man or two. Either that or he ran some kind of Tuberculosis asylum.”

“Tuberculosis Asylum. Shit. That means theres crazy white ghosts hanging around here. I rather it be the plantation. At least then I’d be with my people.”

“OK, Steve, what do You mean; you’re people?”

“I’ma slave to the system, son.”

“Shit nigga, aint we all. I mean, except me.” ZMAC sighs because heavy is the crown around his THEE-YICK.

“My nigga.” Says Steve before the two shake hands and continue on. Steve walks into the kitchen where as Z travels deeper into the house, going up the stairs and into one of the room.

We follow ZMAC upstairs. Cuz you know -> world champion N’ shit.

We can hear cabinets behind opened from down stairs and Steve yelling.

“Mother fucking told you. Wall to wall condensed soup and S-Smart brand crackers.”

ZMAC calls back, “ You know what they say, ‘Shop smart; shop S-Mart!’”

ZMAC starts roaming around the upstairs. Everything is in prestine condition. Sure, a bit dusty but everything looks nice. ZMAC walks into one of the bedrooms. Woof floor, wood paneling. Steamers trunk at the foot of a twin sized bed that has a green quilt draped over it. One top of the bed is a series of books. They are leather bound, worn and cracked with the inscription: ‘HQJ’ written on it.

Steve Orbits footsteps can be heard thumping up the stairs. He walks into the room where ZMAC is drinking out of a soup can. ZMAC turns around and questions.

“Are you drinking cold soup out of a can?”

“I couldn’t find a spoon.”

“That’s right. Don’t you culturally appropriate my silverware. You drink that shit up. Slurp that shit like it was canned poon on a Sunday Morning. Fucking Poon Blue Ribbon.” Says ZMAC.

“Besides, I I gotta take the edge off, you know. I feel like Oblivion could pop out around the corner at any moment. This feels like a place where Oblivion could hide.” Replies Steve.

Suddenly one of the book flips open and its blank pages mysteriously bubble and reveal inked words.





OBLIVION

Threat: S-Class

Name: Jakob Lister

Alias: Stephan Johnson, Ace Slaughter

Height: 6 foot 5

Weight: 325 lb.

Mental State: Unstable.


First coming to my attention from my best friend, Dr. Remus McCayle and his former colleagues at the Withlacootchie Mental Facility, I began postulating ideas and methods to control the inner rage plaguing Jakob. It is to my dismay that all trials did not work as intended and had some unforeseen consequences. As it turns out, the split personality known as Oblivion is not a mental disorder at all but that of a roaming demon that has taken up permanent residency in Mr. Lister due to his deep and dark seeded rage towards those he once loved and trusted. I first came across this demon in my work with Douglas Lister back in 1899. Although, their relation is unknown to me and could purely be coincidental. However, such things are hardly coincidental.

The MONSTER Oblivion is just that, a monster. Pure EVIL. I cannot blame Jakob for the misdeeds of Oblivion, for he has little to no control over him. I consider Oblivion to be of the highest risk factor both to himself and to society, S-class. Proceed with extreme caution. If possible, do not engage Oblivion or Jakob for any length or time or for any reason. Oblivion uses Jakob to inflict pain and suffering on to his victims without remorse. He is able to come and go as he pleases and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. We even tried to give Jakob an experimental serum to dull his senses and stunt Oblivion and for a while it seemed to work but throughout the years Oblivion adjusted to the serum as Jakobs body acclimated to it and now Oblivion has full reign whenever he wants. Anyone who misinterprets Oblivion is a fool. He is darker and more powerful than anyone can imagine. Often people do not give him his due and brush him off but that is the worst mistake of them all. Oblivion cares little for that and such things only fuel his madness. With year passing year, Oblivion grows hungrier and more depraved, committing more violent and gruesome acts.

Strengths: Many.

Weakness: None.








The two men look confused as they look at each other.

“Some magic book just flipped open and sucked Obi’s dick for like there paragraphs. Nig, ain’t nobody suckin’ Obi’s dick for three paragraghs – not even Obi himself.” Says ZMAC.

“Man, I don’t know whats going on but that’s a bunch crazy bull.” Replies Steven. “ You white people are crazy. Why do these whacky possessed books gotta suck the dick of Hells Bastard Son like that?”


The book flips a few more pages as the ink begins to bubble up from blank pages once again.




Corey Bull

Threat: C –Class.

Allias: Hells Bastard Son, The Hatebringer

Height: 6 foot 10

weight: 385

Mental State: Fractured and Disassociated.


Bull came to my attention at the age of 7. A young and confused boy, as most are at that age; rambunctious and adventurous with spirit and spunk to boot. However, something lay just beneath the surface. We tried a whole series of medications; many of which he was resistant too. It surprised us all but as we thought we could get his fits of rage under control, more violent outbursts would take over. He would begin innocently with sips of the tongue, a cuss word there, an explosive insult there but violence became physical and the outbursts more pronounced. He started referring to himself in the secondary: us, we, them. They didn’t have names. They would all Identify as young Corey but yet, none of them were. However extreme or violent Corey would become, he would still see loving tenderness for what it is and if you display kindness to him, he would extend it back. No doubt an emotional holdover from a military upbringing. By the time Corey was an adult, he had improved greatly, almost showing no signs of mental instability or dependency. He would actually join the military and prove to be a skilled and knowledgeable combatant. Unfortunately the throng of war proved to be too much for Corey and his condition regressed to its prior state. He would once again visit a mental institution for his condition. Thankfully with the right support system he was able to gain control of his temperament, avoid pending charges and enter a work release program so that he could prove to be a functioning member of society. Corey Bull has become a very successful pro wrestler, having won multiple championships from around the world.

Strengths: His immense size, weight, fighting skill, appetite for violence and lack of fear.

weaknesses: Exploitable mental state and kind heart. A fear of being alone and forgotten

Corey Bull’s weakness make him an easy target of exploited correctly. Corey Bull is rated as a C-class threat due to his fractured mindset, kind heart and emotional attachment to the one’s he loves as well as his fears. While his strength and skills are formidable, that are not undefeatable. For as much success as Corey has had, winning numerous championships, he has lost nearly as many as well as countless other matches. His biggest fear is that he does not want to be forgotten but he does not realize that all men are forgotten.



ZMAC reads the page and laughs.

“So wait, this is guy is like a millennial Oblivion? Like, serious? It’s like if Odin Balfore fucked Oblivion up ass ( which he’s going to this week *wink* ) and out popped this fucking retard. I’m glad he thinks he’s an unstoppable force on the inside because Ol’ Z -> The mother fucking world champ is an unstoppable force on the once side. Why does every seven foot bastard think he’s a tough guy. News flash, Corey Bull, you fuckin fuck -> I won the world championship with a torn pectoral and a broken arm. I could have won a gold medal with a broken freak’in neck but this dude wants to talk about big, bad and scary. Nah son, Oblivion is big, bad and scary. Ol’ Z is big, bad and scary. This dude prolly watches my little pony and eat cherry Garcia. Fuckin pillow sawft. Fucking crying about not wanting to be forgotten, everyone is forgotten > oh -> except ol’ Z. Cuz you know, immortality is a fucking bitch like that. Is that what Corey Bull wants? Be immortal? Why, so he can cry when all his loved ones die and not just when I’m busy knocking his sisters kidney around with my dick like it was a game of 8-ball. Yah, sure, Corey you fucking twerp -> come at ol’ Z during Killing floor and watch what I fucking do to you. You claim you don’t fear nuttin’ and that’s good because I’m nobody. I’m everybody. I’m a coked up immortal madman that’s fought in wars, died in battle, died on the stake, the cross, on the throne, on the john, in my bed and at sea and yet Ol’ Z is still there throughout the ages.

I mean, this dude is the reason Kamon is in Killing Floor. He couldn’t get the job done then and quite frankly, he won’t be able to get the job done this week. Truthfully, there aint no different from last week to this week. He could have gone and got a steam roller and killed Shadowlove and Kamon but now this week Zombie McMorris is going to steam roll him for his hubris and transgressions. Corey may have won many world championships and this might be my first but I know for a fact that I’ve killed more men than he ever has. I’ve seen the look of sorrow in a mans eyes when he comes up short. I know what death looks like on a mans face when he realizes that his life will soon be over.

I cannot empathize with that, Corey. I cannot empathize with death because I am death. You might be the Hatebringer, the Bastard son of Hell but I am the Avatar of Decay. I am the Honey Badger, the Evil Incarnate, the Bastard son of a Bastard son. Hell, I was probably even born on a Monday and that means more to you than it does to me. It means more to you because I have things, innate to my very being that you will never attain. Cocaine, a huge cock, a cloned time witch, my very own pedestal in pro wrestling, this UCI world champion. Trust me Bull, I could make a list. I could go on forever.

LOL

but you fucking can’t.

You fucking Mortal scrub you. Cuz this Sunday night, fighting me, battling me, LOSING TO ME, is the cloest you’ll ever get to having anything of mine -> Let alone this UCI world championship. I know you think you got an advantage in killing floor. Gawd damn, If’n I had a dime for every seven foot FGT -> I’d own a mint. But I know you, Corey. You confident in yourself. You confident in those hands. Those hands that got you so many world titles before. They can do it again. You can do it gain ( LOL fuck you ). I want to see you try, Corey. I want you to think you got the advantage. I want to see the look on your face when you shove that logger chain up my ass, rip out my colon and ZOMBIE MCMORRIS no sells that shit. Ever disembowel a man only for him to get back up, fuck your sister, take a picture with a fan, get back in the ring and bust your skull in?

Nah? I bet the answers ‘nah’ isn’t it. Its fuckin’ unthinkable, ain’t it. Shits like impossible ain’t it?

Welp, sport, so aint your chances at walking out of Killing Floor with my world fucking championship.”



“Yo son, I swear this book needs a preist or a Preecha or sumthin.” Says Steven.



Yet again the book flips to a blank page and words start to bubble and appear.


“AH, STUPID HAUNTED WHITE FOLK BOOKS!” Exclaims Steven.





PRECHA KAMON

Threat: B-Class

Alias: Anjing

Height: 5 foot 10.

Weight: 170 lb

Mental State: Determined.


Preecha Kamon is a formidable foe. He is extremely fierce and disciplined not only from a personal aspect but in a martial one as well. Preecha is a well deserving an accomplished athlete. He was toiled and trained for many years as a Thai style boxer. He is no stranger to the wrestling ring and seeks to regain his former glory. Although he has been deaf for most of his life, he has overcome that hurdle, turning a negative into a positive and further displaying his ambitions and quest for greatness. Preecha succeeded where many would have given up in the world, being deaf is a near death sentence for a fighter but Preecha has excelled. This makes him very dangerous but not as dangerous as Oblivion.

Strengths: Fighting Prowess, enduring and determined personality.

Weakness: His size and weight can be managed, controlled and manipulated by larger foes. He has a psychological downfall in the ultimate fate of humanity and their purpose in this world after death. His bleak outlook on life is puzzling considering the hard work he has put into his only for him to believe that it is meaningless upon death.



“ Ah Yes, Kamon. The deaf fighter whose no slouch in the ring. I get you, Kamon. I understand you. I understand the fighting spirit and the overcoming of obstacles and fighting men bigger man you -> larger than life foes whose you can put down with relative ease. The only problem here is that I am not a larger than life foe; not in the k-k-klassic sense. You know you Kamon. You know that I am larger than life because I AM GREATER THAN LIFE. Yet you doubt doubt human existence after it. Shame on you. How dare you dedicate your life to your craft, which I know you have, only to think it’ll be thrown away. Fortunately for you I know what happens and you’ll be please to know that your hardwork will pay off but do know that this week it will all be for nothing. I’m not going to take away from your skill-> I know you have many. However, it is your heart that is in doubt. It is your heart that you question -> even if you think you don’t or that you think I’m lying. I’m the most honest and trustworthy man in this match and trust me when I tell you that what little faith you have in this match is fleeting. You may have gotten a win over over Corey Bull to get into this match but we both know that he is looking for revenge after that. You might be the smallest man in this match but you have some of the most deadly skills aside from ya boi ol’ Z. You think at a hundred and seventy you’ll stand toe to toe against Obi or Bull? Not to mention myself THE MOTHER FUCKING WORLD CHAMPION. We both know Andre and Kevy B can take you out. You’re only shot is against Bonnie and Alex. That’s two of eight. That’s some slim pickings if I ever did see slim pickings ( LOL and Celeste is in this match).

Truthfully, you came back for glory. I have your glory. I have tainted your glory. I have tainted your return.

#more@11

Aint nothing new with you or with me, Kamon. You got into this match and now you’ll be looking for ways out of this match. Don’t you worry, ol’ Z has got your back. I’ll get you out of this match. I’ll get you out of the U. I’ll put the fear of God back into you.

Oh, you never had it.

Well then, kneel before Zod you snotchy bootchy son of a bitch. Wait, hand on.

….:…..:::…. :::::… ::…. … …. :.:…. ::…:….::::.. . . … ..::: … .:.:.:.:. ..

. .;: : ‘ ‘’ . . :’ “” ;’, : ‘; :. :. ‘,:



There, I put that shit in brail for you. ( LOL fuckin cheese puns and brail, this promo has got it all ). There, Kamon. Now recognize and realize that even to a magic fucking book you aint even an A-Class threat to the world champ. Cuz there aint no God except the one you see before you. Perverting the shit out of everything you ever worked for in your entire shitty life. Get used to it, boi cuz death aint much better.

But what do I know about that

LOL.

N Speaking of pervet’in shit, Where dat Celeste Mallory. Hey Magic Book, hook me up. Celeste Mallory.”






Celeste Mallory

Threat: C-Class.

Alias: Pretty Little Devil

Height: 5 foot 9

Weight: 122lb

A jaded past, forged in flame and loss. The desire to survive and will to carry on are the hallmarks of Celeste Mallory. She escaped a fire and fell into an inferno with an abusive step mother who brought her up to be tough and strong in the world of pro wrestling. She has worked hard to get where she is and no doubt a testament to her skills. However, for all her talent she is riddled with faults. Celeste may be a former world champion but her emotional and psychological hang ups and inexperience may be her undoing.

Strengths: determination and pain tolerance.

Weakness: Inexperience, size and mental instability.


“ Hmp, well damn. Seems we got ourselves a mamas girl looking to please her mama or else mama will be mad. Is this seriously a fucking thing in 2017? It’s a comical punch line at this point. ‘Gr, I have a tolerance for pain. Grr, I’m sadistic.’ *yawn* When Celeste Mallory gets thrown into a deep fat fryer, dies and comes back to finish a match -> bitch you pick up the phone and you call me.

1- 666-ZOLLECT. Call it collect. We bringing it back because from everything that I’ve seen and heard how this great Celeste Mallory is back at Killing Floor and met with a Mommy Dearest, bitch -> I wanna go on a fucking rampage and slaughter everyone I mother fuckin’ see. In fact, I’mma do just that at Killing Floor. Celeste, you part time. I suggest you stay part time and if’n you be thinking that your sadistic nature and tolerance for pain can surpass that of a man that cannot be killed and will often break his own bones just to prove a fuckin point then you got a whole world to open your eyes too. Monday night, You gone rethink your life choices. You gone see why you should stay part time. You gone see why Ol’ Z is world champion and why people tread lightly around me. You gone see first hand that those that know me, who’ve wrestled me know that they in for the fight of their life.

You aint no different. See, I ain’t worried about Oblivion. He can handle himself. I’m not worried around multi-time champ Corey Bull -> he can handle himself ( AND HIS SISTER ). I’m not worried about anyone in this match except for you because you -> You a virgin. This is your first time in this kind of match against Zombie McMorris. How broke do you have to be Celeste to willfully return as a former world champion in this kind of match against this particular kind of opponent. You a damn fool. You done sealed your fate because after Killing Floor, we aint gone hear a peep out of you.

People are going to talk about you and hang their heads because you came back to fight me. Remember that. YOU came back. To. Fight. ME. Ol’ Z aint popping awf at the chance to fight you and you prolly just looking at this opportunity to get your shiny trinket back to make mama happy. That’s cute. If’n if it weren’t so fucking sad. Don’t blame anyone but yourself. Don’t blame anyone but Celeste when I clobber you and brutalize you. But you can take pain, right? Everyone in this match can take pain -> or so they think. Except Oblivion. I seen that dude get blown up. You ever get blown up, Celeste? I mean real, horrorcore, C4 in your chest kind of blowing up. I mean Jaws, kind of blown up. I mean smile you son of a bitch-> blown up.

N’ if’n you aint keepin track at home, celeste I’m killing you all right now as easy as I breathe. And trust me when I say that I breathe real fuckin’ E-Z. So unless you been blown up in the ring -> or set on fire -> or had a sword run through your twat -> you don’t know pain. Unless you beat a man to death in the middle of the ring -> a man you called a friend -> unless you threw that man into a lake of lava -> you ain’t sadistic. Oblivion -> he’s sadistic. You -> you’re idea of sadistic is over toasting the bottom of cookies or some shit.

So why don’t you take the couple grand you getting for this match -> If’n I let you survive it and go to couples therapy. Really hash that shit out. It ain’t healthy. And trust me, when the undead coked up madman tells you that it ain’t healthy -> You can take that shit to the bank, open up a sub-prime mortage for a house you cant afford and allow the gubbermintz to forclose on that shit within a year because you tweaked your back at work but the gubbermintz is wise to that so they only give you like a third.

Ol’ Z is only givin’ you a third. I don’t know what you think you deserve or what kind of praise you gone get from me but you ain’t getting any. If’n you think any different, hit me up on Twitter. You like to troll, don’t chu?

Me? I’m Billy Goats Gruff up in this bitch. And you’re ass ain’t talkin’ your way out of this.

Shit, you ain’t fightin’ your way out of this either.

See you soon, Honey Bunny.

It’ll be the last time your face is that pretty. “


ZMAC quiets down as Steve Orbit pipes in.

“Cheese puns and brail?” Steve Asks, as if he cant believe.

“Yah son, I gotta challenge myself somehow in this match. I told you I have a decent chance in this match. I gotta make it interesting for me. I mean, what do I got to gain from this match? The belt that’s already around my thick? What, you think Ol’ Z is going down like a bitch? Cheese puns and brail and they ain’t going to know what to do. They don’t even know what to do aside from the fact. I do it as a joke because I don’t respect them. Any of them. Even Kevy B. If’n he wants to stand across from me, he knows what he’s in for.”


“ But you’re shooting to a magic book that you found in some slave owners plantation.”

“If I can’t shoot to a magical haunted book, who can I shoot to? Answer me that? I am preserving historical heritage. That’s what I’m doing. If I don’t, then the terrorists win. Steve, buddy. If I don’t drop pipe bombs here then ISIS will be dropping pipebombs on Williamsburg. Right now, the way I see it, I’m an American fucking hero. I’m fighting terror by fucking these dudes with a verbal beatdown. What, you think Andre Holmes and Cleste Mallory are fighting terror? Kevy B is in some cabin somewhere across the lake blotting a load into a tube sock. You think he’s taking the leaps and bounds of courage to stop terrorism? People like him are the fucking reason they hate us. They hate us and they hate our freedom. Steve, I’m going buck wild on ISIS right now and wrecking shop at Killing Floor at the same time. Killing two birds with one stone. That’s how I fucking do. If Kevin Bishop thinks that he can do better then he can bus his ass down to Dixie and Larp for freedom or some shit. He can larp for freedom and ol’ Z can win world championships. Go ahead, Kevin Bishop, trust me I got time.”




Kevin Bishop

Threat: A-class

Height: 6 foot 3

Weight: 245 lb.

Mental State: Sociopathic


Kevin Bishop is a man who seeks attention and the grandure of world domination. He is a Sociopath. He feels that everyone on earth should be subjugated under his boot. He is fast, strong, cunning and ruthless. These traits show in the wrestling ring as well among his Brotherhood Cult; those who feel that Kevin is the true leader of the Earth. He is charismatic and engaging as all Cult leaders are. His accomplishments are well documented and his mental state is that of a classically deranged sociopath and authoritarian. Kevin Bishop is not unbeatable but use extreme caution if you come in contact with him.

Strengths: Speed, cunning, psychology and ruthlessness

Weakness: questionable motives and mental state. Lacks raw power and durability.


“Ah, there he is. My boi, Kevy B. The man whose out for world domination but knows that in order to do it he has to befriend the pied piper to the rats. Convincing the world but wresting and cis-normitive is about more than just turning a few wayward lost boys into your house negros. But you tryin. You taking the right steps. Now, I don’t know why you would want to single handedly take over the world when oyu know that’s an impossible task. Theres seven billion people in this house and you’re the only one that has to make trouble ( Home Alone references LOL ). See, that’s what I like about you Kevin- > You really shoot for it. You aim for it. So what if you cant take over the world; as long as you get yours and you accomplish something. However, your faults are the same as everyone elses in this match. You need to fill a void. You dug a hole and now you have to patch it up. You want to patch it up with the UCI World Championship again; become a three time champion. Make yourself feel important because deep down you know you aint. You know whats funny about this -> I’m a better Kevin Bishop than you will ever be. I’m more charismatic. I’m more methodical. I’m more psychological and I know how to bend men to my will without even trying and all the while they think they’re winning.

You know it. You’ve seen it done. You’ve seen me fight guys the whole week through and those guys think that they got it won -> it’s in the bag -> Ol’ Z lost a step but we both know how the game works and we both know Ol’ Z was just trapping them in the rabbit hole. The best thing about it was that they didn’t even know that they was there. So do me a favor, since we bois. Take a look around you, son -> You already there. You already thinking that Ol’ Z has his back against the wall and that these odds are just too mighty to overcome. N’ you be thinking about the ways that you can capitalize on the situation. I can tell you right now that it’s not smart. I can tell you right now that you better put your foot on my neck and not let off the gas.

But why am I telling you this. Why would I tell anyone this? Simple. The only man that can defeat Zombie McMorris is Zombie McMorris. The only way I don’t walk out of Killing Floor as World Champion is if I chose not to. The reason I am telling you to not let off me is because I want you to do as I tell you. I want to prove a point that the leader of the brotherhood, the man that wants to be ruler of the world can be controlled. Easily. N’ truth be told, Kevin -> You make it that easy. I mean, yah, we friends but you know that’s not going to stop me from dropping you with a Curb Stomp and an Axe Wound. I know whose dangerous in this match and its not you. It’s me. You know I’m dangerous when I’m droping brail jokes to a deaf man. And yes, I understand that he can read. It’s all of you that cant read between the lines. None of you can. If’n you could then you wouldn’t be here. You’d be killing Ginger Red in some Rising Stars championship because you’re a big fish in a small pond. That’s why you’ll never rule the world. That’s why you’ll never win killing floor and that’s why you’ll never beat me.”



The book flips some more pages and bubbles up to reveal Alex Richards.



Alex Richards

Threat: C-class

Alias: The Arch Duke of Confusion.

Height: 6 foot 4

Weight: 325 lb.

Mental State: Intoxicated


Alex Richards is not unlike the vast majority of wrestlers or people for that matter. A traumatic upbringing lead him to a life of self-medication and lashing out at the world for the injustice brought upon him. His mental state is often fracturing, prone to fits and stupefaction. While Alex is an accomplished and well-versed fighter, he is limited in his ability, potential and capacity. Alex has Alters to help him cope with his life and his wild nature. He has found success with a brand of alcohol but all it does is worsen his mental state rather than helping it. It is a classic case of Dissociative Identity Disorder and self-medication that keeps Alex trapped in a vortex of his own doom; thus keeping him from progressing any further. While Alex has been a world champion, it seems to be an outlying factor in his accomplishments, fighting record and true capability.

Strengths: Size, weight, hardcore tendencies.

Weakness: limited in ring ability, limited fighting and mental capacity.




“ There he is. The Arch Duke of Confusion, running around like he was ever a world champion. You held that belt for sixty five days, which is decent but your defenses were against Shadowlove and Jay Price. You may have had the weakest defenses of anyone whose been world champion. As of this, I’ll be champion for nearly a month but I’ll have successfully defeated eight other challengers -> four of who are former world champions. So what does that say about me, Richards? It says that I’m the best fucking guy in the company. You take your tag team belt and you hang off Bonnies tits. That’s all your good for. Don’t pretend like you’re a good tag team wrestler when she does literally all the fucking work. But you lost your belt here at Killing Floor -> so anything you got to say to me this week is bullshit. You aint got a leg to stand on. You lost to Andre Holmes last year. I can’t blame you for that but I will. I know you, Richards. You didn’t bring it. You never bring it. You never hit hard. No, not like a champion. That’s why you arnt champion. That’s why you went away. That’s why its been a year for you to get back here and the only reason you’re here is because you a former world champion. And I get it, people throw bones to dogs. A lot of people think I’m a dog but then they look and they see the teeth and they know I’m wolf. They know I’m a predator. They know the Honey Badger is for real. Killing Floor is real. Zombie McMorris, world champion IS REAL. Me walking out of this match with my title IS Real. The only hope you got is the same as Corey Bull. You gonna rely on weapons but you know it takes more than a few chairs and chains to beat ol’ Z. You gonna have to bring it. But you cant. So why don’t you go Self-Medicate and have Allen fight yet another battle for you. Because as far as I’m concerned, you’re a non-issue. Truth be told -> you know that as well. So go hide behind your sexy as fuck Guardian pal. She likes to chain herself to worthless pieces of shit. You, Polar, Omega -> you’re all the same and all equally pathetic. So I’m going to move on from you and this magic book is going to show me Bonnie Blue and I’m going to rip into her and like every other day in your life -> Theres nothing you can do to stop it.”





Bonnie Blue

Threat: A-Class

Alias: The Daughter of Time

Height: 5 foot 8.

Weight: 132

Mental State: Unknown



Bonnie Blue is a tough fighter, a clone and time traveling crime fighter. She is gritty and determined. She has some of the most explosive and accomplished success. That is what makes her dangerous. Her size, does not matter. Her skill more than makes up for it. She cannot be out wrestled, she is perhaps one of the best pure wrestlers due to her bloodline. She is smart, she is crafty and she can be extremely vicious. Normally ones heart and emotions can be a weakness but for Bonnie, it is one of her greatest strengths. Use caution when fighting her; she is relentless and unforgiving. Bonnie is a passionate fighter and will be to the very end.

Strengths: speed, agility, technical skill, heart and passion.

Weakness: none




“Bonnie Blue. Sweet Bonnie, when will you unchain yourself from the hopelessness of weaker men? You’re almost there. You’ve rid yourself of Polar -> Who I actually like -> and Omega -> who I loathe more so than anyone else in all of wrestling. Now all you have to do is get rid of that sad sack of shit, Alex Richards. I know that the tag belts are nice. They keep you warm but Ol’ Z can keep you warm too. We both know you carry Alex like an Albatross cross made out of lead and broken dreams. You don’t have to be that person any more. You can be free, Bonnie. I can set you free; Killing Floor can set you free. You may actually have one of the best chances at defeating me but then again -> see what I’ve been saying this whole time -> Only I can defeat me and I have a sawft spot for you. However, don’t take that as weakness because you know I’ll fight you. Neither one of us will take pity or remorse on the other. You’re here because and Bishop are the only two with a legitimate claim to MY world Championship and you have one of the more impressive world title runs. You beat Bishop to gain it, to retain it but ultimately he liberated you from it -> Then I, him. We can liberate UCI together, Bonnie. We can do what Kevin Bishop only dreams. Food for thought, Bonnie, before I reach deep inside of you and feed you your own soul and you lose the very thing that makes you Bonnie Blue. I’ll let you decide what that means. The only question is if you can overcome yourself and your tag partner to get what I have. Or will you just fail like all the other times in your life. Truthfully, if theres one thing your good at is procrastinating. Something about having all the time in the world makes you live without a sense of urgency. I can empathize with that. However, I can also capitalize on that and make the time witch my sexy little time bitch. Oh, Bonnie, I’m getting hard just thinking about it. My Mushroom Mandingo can’t wait. And speaking about Mushroom Mandingos, I wonder what Andre Holmes is up to these days LOL.”






Andre Holmes

Threat: A-class

Alias: None

Height: 5 foot 9.

Weight: 201 lb.

Mental State: Self-imposed underdog


Andre is a world class athlete. He is accomplished and deserving of all his praise and success. He tactile and dominant with his mixed martial arts style. Andre is highly motivated persistent in achieving his goals. Truly, relentless is a well-deserved and earned nick name for this young fighter. He is the most decorated champion in UCI history, taking nearly every category of awards nearly all championships. His record may me scared with losses but that does not stop Andre from striving to be better and displaying why he is arguably one of the best wrestlers on the planet. While Andre has many strengths and few weaknesses, the few that he does have keep him from truly being an S-class level threat.

Strengths: Many.

weakness: self-imposed underdog that can lead to mistakes.



“ Andre Holmes. The former Killing Floor Champion. The former world champion. The former most accomplished man in UCI -> usurped by the coked up madman. And you knew this day would come. Yet here you are, you have a lot to defend. Your honor -> your pride -> your accomplishments -> petty indifferences as far as I’m concerned. The relentless underdog -> how fucking tragic. Please Andre, we both know your accomplished, we both know you are well deserving and yada yada -> but please -> go fucking die in a house fire. You don’t need to be here. You never needed to be here. This is just your ego talking you into a fight you know your body cant cash. I’m this years Killing Floor winner. I’m this years wrestler of the year. I’m this years match of the year. I’m this years champion of the year. I’m breaking your record at Killing Floor and you know how well I do in these kinds of matches ( LOL fuck yah, you do ). The way I see it, you took UCI and you built your brand -> You didn’t build UCI. Me on the other hand -> I’m building UCI -> In my own crazy kinda way. But hey, I’m looking forward to the fight. I’m looking forward to the fight, indeed. I’m looking forward to showing all the UCI faithful that the most accomplished man in UCI history, Andre Holmes is nothing compared to me -> that you were just a tiny -> selfish man -> out for himself last year. But that was last year. This year is the Summer of Z. This is the year that the INFECTION becomes terminal. And I’m not dumb, Andre -> I know you been paying attention. You seen the way I’ve been playing these fools all long for this match and you like Bishop are trying to figure out a way to counter it. Then it hit you. The only way for you to counter ol’ Z is to fucking leave once again. UCI don’t need a hero. They don’t need an underdog. They got ol’ Z holding it down that’s enough.

I’ve been hearing it all month from champions and challengers alike. Ol’ Z’s time is up. It’s a Changing of the guard. It’s a new Era. Pft, can you believe that? New Era with the same old shit from the same old pieces of shit -> you included. So go ahead, Andre, give a rousing speech that only gets your dick hard and nobody else’s. Tell them how the most accomplished man in UCI can still be seen as an underdog. And me, I’ll lift up my dick and show you a real world champion.

I’ll tell you, killing floor is going to be fun. It’s going to be special. Truly, it is. It’s my first title defense and it’ll be the most impressive when I eliminate all eight of my challengers and prove definitively that I am the best in this company. So many faces, Andre, so many souls and dreams to crush. And there is not a gawd damn thing that any of you can do about it. This right here will be my finest hour yet and one of the longest, most grueling and painful for all of you. I’m not doubting your skills Andre, I’m just tired of your shitty song and dance. Go train. Go eat healthy. Go follow your dreams. Whatever. I’ll go knock skulls in and continue my path of destruction. You and everyone else can just continue your path of spectating my greatness. It’s all any of you are actually good at.”


ZMAC closes the book shut.

“Lets go, Steve. Lets go find Vincent and see what he’s up too because it’s clear to me that my opponents at Killing Floor ain’t up to the challenge. Don’t forget to finish your soup.”


ZMAC and Steve Orbit take the book, go down stairs and leave the house I search of Buddy, Kassius and Ruby.


TO BE CONTINUED