Post by Alex Richards on Jun 5, 2016 9:21:13 GMT -6
Narrator: (SZR) As you should know if you're been keeping up, almost every day with Alex is an adventure. So when Alex had to drive the Strange Rover to a wooded area as usual I was thinking off all the possible options. I was hoping for all Alex didn't watch Monty Python again and attempt to do his lumberjack act. The Forest Rangers really hated that the last time he tried it. But when I asked him he replied.. it's good cover then went into the den of the Strange Rover. I'll bet your vehicle doesn't have a rec room like this but nothing is like the Strange Rover trust me.
Alex Richards: Gather round Zach, it's story time!
SZR: Story time?
Alex Richards: I'm gonna tell you one kickass story!
SZR: Not that I'm complaining but that seems almost normal for you.
Alex Richards: Well if you want we can go transport bronco-ing instead.
SZR: I can smell the bad idea from the name alone.
Alex Richards: How is climbing on a bridge, waiting for a transport truck to come by, leaping off onto the back of it, and attempting to ride it like a bull for a full eight second ride ever a bad idea?
SZR: Do I need to answer that?
Alex Richards: The drivers really get freaked out and swerve a lot. You would love it!
SZR: Story time it is!
Alex Richards: I kind of thought that was gonna be the case.
SZR: So are you gonna tell me the story of how you got the Strange Rover back?
Alex Richards: While I was gonna last week. But I think the moment has past.
SZR: Too bad I really want to know. We were looking for it by tracking down that guy you sold the Rover to on Craigslist, then we went to the auto wreckers then the next time I saw you it was back.
Alex Richards: Tesla had it.
SZR: And see, that's why I want to hear the story.
Alex Richards: I have a better one though. You remember that story Jay Omega told last week about me meeting up with a few holiday creatures?
SZR: No. You already know I wasn't there.
Alex Richards: Well do I have a story for you. It goes all the way to sometime in 2009...
What appears to be loud jingling bells is heard off in the distance.
SZR: I swear.. if you attracted 5 million wind chimes to a herd of buffalo again...
Alex Richards: That made beautiful music. I'm not sorry for it at all! But back to the story...
Narrator: (Alex Richards) Ever hear of a convention of the Holiday Super Beings? Me neither, but my alterego who was running the show at the time Alexander Richards somehow did. He thought that he could make himself the stuff of nightmares by publicly destroying childhood heroes. Yeah, I know he has issues.
SZR: You do know he's you, right?
Alex Richards: Don't be like that Zach! You're harshing my buzz.
SZR: You're always buzzed so that's not a big loss.
Alex Richards: Being sober is a big loss. Anyhow back to the story.
Narrator: (Alex Richards) He found out they were having a party in a ball room so he was determined to crash it. He approached the door, permanent scowl on his face wearing a black t shirt with the slogan Kill Your Parents and walked in like he owned the place.. or would have if not for the doorman.
Doorman: Sorry.. no normal.
Alexander Richards: I could beat you until you let me in. I could make you scream permission allowing me to enter.
Doorman: There are police on call. And I have a concealed weapons permit. You aren't getting in there one way or the other.
Alexander walks away muttering to himself we'll just see about that..
Narrator: (Alex Richards) Alexander was kind of a dick and always thought he was smarter and better then everyone else so obviously he was going to plot to get in there somehow. In this case though he got in the same way I would have.. he was just shit as lucky.
SZR: You said it not me.
Alex Richards: Hey, it's better to be shit ass lucky then good. People don't expect as much from you. I mean c'mon.. old Alexander is kind of like Wade Moor if you really think about it. One of those guys who always wants people to think he's smarter, better, and more dangerous than everyone else. But when it comes down to it, he's really not. He was simply in the right place, at the right time, a few times and so people give him credit for more than he deserves. But I'll talk more about Wade later.
Alexander makes his way to the exit where he spots a fairly attractive lady dressed in a strange manner, wearing a pink tutu, a tiara, wings, and wand with a giant tooth on the top of it who is smoking a cigarette.
Alexander Richards: You must be one of those freaks. You will switch clothes with me and I will take your place at that party.
Tooth Fairy: Yes, you will.
Alexander Richards: I was expecting more resistance.
Tooth Fairy: I'm only here because Santa Claus said I had to be. I hate these parties. Santa always hits on me and eventually I get too drunk to resist the allure of his power and do something I regret. Then he calls me a Ho Ho ho before he kicks me out of his hotel room. You want to take my place? Go ahead.
SZR: So you guys changed clothes just like that?
Alex Richards: Hey! You want to tell the story?
SZR: I don't know the story.
Loud thumping is heard outside. Alex pays no attention to it though and continues telling the tale.
Narrator: So we switched outfits but Alexander of course couldn't let it end that way and stole the tooth fairy's cell phone.
Alexander Richards: Whenever I leave an encounter I have to make sure the other people is just a little less happy then before they met me. So I'm taking your cell phone and giving Santa your number.
The tooth fairy thinks for a minute, then walks off obviously having come to the conclusion she can just change her number. Alexander walks back inside of the building obviously a man on a mission where he notices a shady character wearing a long trench coat swearing and cursing at the doorman and the holiday characters.
Shady Guy: Fucking uppity holiday snobs! What the fuck do they mean the pusherman is not a holiday character? There was a fucking unicorn in there! What they were talking about? Everyone uses drugs during holidays! What do you think the long weekend is for? Hey.. you.. you going in there?
Alexander Richards: Not that it's your business but yes.
Pusherman: Would you punch Santa Claus for me? The asshole stole my baggie of weed and gave me this..
The pusherman goes into his pocket and pulls out some really dried out looking figgy pudding.
Pusherman: Who the fuck eats figgy pudding anyways? Shit's disgusting.
Alexander Richards: Would you happen to have any drugs left?
The drug dealer grins and looks around. Seeing the coast is clear he pulls out a baggie filled with yellow pills.
Pusherman: I still have these percs. Interested in buying?
Alexander Richards: I can't buy drugs. That would make you happy. I'm not interested in doing that.
The drug dealer looks bewildered.
Pusherman: Then what are you going to do?
Alexander Richards: Obviously I'm going to steal them then take them all at once so you have no chance of recovering them.
The dealer laughs.
Pusherman: Good one.
Alex grabs him by the throat and lifts him up and slams him against the wall. He snatches the bag away from the dealer then lets him drop before opening the baggie and dumping the contents down his throat. He gulps deeply.. then twitches several times.
Pusherman: Not that I care but you need to go to the hospital. That was a lethal overdose.
Alexander Richards: What I need is a drink!
Alexander notices a server walking by with a bottle of water. He snatches it away from him.
Narrator: (Alex Richards) Now I didn't know it at the time but that particular waiter was awesome and liked to drink. So much he drinks on the job. Kind of like I do. But his bosses didn't like that so much so he filled his water bottle with sweet... sweet... Tequila. That helped make this night special.. because it was the birth of Alex Richards!
SZR: Well I know you didn't die at least.
Alex Richards: Would you stop interrupting the story?
SZR: How am I interrupting the story more than that banging outside?
Alex Richards: You're totally killing the mood.
Alexander chugs down the bottle of what he thought was water. Ignoring the burning sensation in his throat. He coughs once.. coughs twice. He twitches again. The drug dealer looks at Alexander with an expression of fear, probably fearing a manslaughter charge. He looks with concern at Alexander who's eyes roll back in his head.. then they open.. and he smiles.
Alex Richards: Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonshine? I think he's in Georgia. We can go down and steal his fiddle. Use it to make some fiddle faddle because that shit's delicious!
Pusherman: You're crazy man! You need to go to the hospital!
The drug dealer runs off not wanting to be blamed for whatever might happen. Alex grins and waves at him as he takes off.
Alex Richards: Bye Merle! Thanks for the drugs! Wait.. come back.. who's gonna drive me to Georgia now? Maybe somebody from that party will!
Alex obviously having gotten some sort of energy burst from his booze and pills cocktail sprints towards the party as if he were a running back. The doorman looks, does a double take at the large bald man dressed as a tooth fairy sprinting towards him. He shakes his head mutters they don't pay me enough and steps aside allowing Alex to enter the party.
Narrator: (Alex Richards) Now you know I wouldn't lie to you Zach but even I could hardly believe who was at the party! Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a bunch of elves, a leprechaun who happened to be riding a unicorn for the record, there were some gnomes, a troll, a few witches some with green skin some without, one fairy godmother, a genie, and some guy with a nametag proclaiming him King Koopa Who I immediately approach.
Alex Richards: What a rip off! You're not animated at all! And no spikes! I never thought this before but Mario could totally kick your ass!
King Koopa: Shhh... of course I'm not really King Koopa, that's my other stage name besides Chamillionaire. Seriously Google it. But it got me in here and this party is off the hook!
Alex Richards: That seems dishonest.
King Koopa: Are you really the tooth fairy?
Alex Richards: You sir have insulted my honor! I shall show you how to shoot fireballs Super Mario style!
Alex grabs a drink away from the Easter Bunny goes into his pocket for a zippo and tosses it at the rapper who's comeback attempt probably just went up in flames. He stop, drop, and rolls into the curtains which promptly blaze up. As the Easter Bunny double hind leg kicks Alex in the jaw!
Easter Bunny: You know how expensive imported carrot vodka is? Oh forget it, I have another one being delivered in..
The Easter bunny looks at his rolax watch. Then adjusts his Armani suit.
Easter Bunny: 3 minutes 18 seconds. I know it's expensive but I'm worth it.
Alex Richards: I thought if there was a rich rabbit it would have been Bugs.
Easter Bunny: That guy is an idiot, tooth fairy. You know as well as I do.. the money is in the expense billing. I subcontract out millions a year to build toys for Easter and give the kiddies some cheap chocolates and eggs and rake in the profits.
Alex Richards: Wait a second.. you got me that stupid Easter bonnet! Everyone laughed at me when I wore that! Well let's see who's laughing after I see if Easter bunny tastes better than regular bunny!
Easter Bunny: Would you look at the time? As the Easter bunny, I have exactly 363 sexual encounters scheduled today. I gotta go fuck like a.. well you know... bye!
The Easter bunny uses his rabbit like speed to take off as Alex laughs. Seconds later a man wearing a UPS outfit rushes over holding out a glass of imported carrot vodka.
Alex Richards: Sucker.. I just wanted his drink and it is... oh horrible! I hate health food!
Alex tosses the half finished drink and it crashes right though a mirror accidentally injuring several of the witches who were using it to gain insight or curse people depending on their flavor of witchcraft. At this point the leprechaun makes an appearance still riding the unicorn and spanking her.
Unicorn: Stop it! I'm just not that into you! And I'm certainly not into that!
Alex pulls the leprechaun off.
Alex Richards: Okay. I caught you. Give me your lucky charms!
Leprechaun: The fuck is wrong with you! I have gold.. not lucky charms! I'm gonna go get my shillelagh and give you a good hiding!
The little man stalks off angrily. The unicorn seems happy to see him go.
Unicorn: Oh thank you thank you!
Alex grins a devilish grin.
Alex Richards: Want to prank him?
Unicorn: Oh god yes! Normally he's a good guy except when he's drinking.. which is all the time.
Narrator: (Alex Richards) So I went over and picked up a plush toy unicorn.
SZR: Okay this is ridiculous. They just happened to have stuffed animals laying around?
Alex Richards: Does that really shock you considering this party? By the way it was one of the few stuffed animals that didn't end up as part of that fire I started earlier.
SZR: Wouldn't the sprinkler system have put it out by now?
Alex Richards: I think they turned it off because of the dragon. Anyhow.. back to my story..
Loud crashing noises are heard again as Alex continues his story.
Alex Richards: So we rip the head off, pull out some of the stuffing and we have an awesome prank! I'm drunk enough to think it's really you.. that guy probably is too!
And indeed he is. The leprechaun returns and notices the beheaded stuffed unicorn, fluff all over the place drops to his knees and begins to wail. Alex turns to the real unicorn and offers a fist bump.
Unicorn: I'm a unicorn. We don't fist bump.. we headbutt.
The unicorn does indeed try the headbutt but at the last second Alex notices a chip on the floor and ducks down to scoop it up causing the unicorn to headbutt the wall where her horn gets stuck in the drywall.
Alex Richards: That's a good chip. Hey, where'd she go? Ah well.. I need to find more food anyways.
At this point Santa Claus finally approaches Alex with slight distaste on his face.
Santa Claus: A dude tooth fairy? Who's Santa gonna cheat on Mrs. Claus with now? Ah well at least I can finally get the answer to the question I've always wondered about. Now you know I have to visit those little snot nosed bastards ever year on Christmas. Can't get out of it. But you... why not when the first tooth falls out you show up with a pair of pylors and rip out all their teeth. You give em twenty bucks and you never have to see them again! Ho ho ho!
Alex Richards: You really think I'm the real Tooth Fairy don't you?
The party suddenly stops and everyone turns and looks at Alex, slowly surrounding him. Well almost everyone.
Santa Claus: This is a private party. No one can know our secrets. Fortunately the world isn't gonna miss some guy who likes to dress up like the tooth fairy.
Alex Richards: You dress up like Santa Claus.
Santa Claus: I AM SANTA CLAUS BITCH! How should we get rid of him?
The witches quickly start a burn him chant.
Santa Claus: You witches.. always with the burning at the stake. What can I say? I'm a crowd pleaser! Ho ho ho!
Santa whispers to Alex thanks for being my wingman before starting to brutally stomp and kick him. Just when you think there is no hope for our hero the unicorn finally pulls herself free along with most of the wall. She swings around and takes out most of the mob with the giant sheet of drywall. Alex escapes from the mob in the confusion and climbs onto the stage looking for an escape route. He decides to scale the curtains. Which start to rip.
SZR: Oh great plan.
Alex Richards: It was my first time drunk and high as Alex. Give me a break will ya?
Alex swings on the curtain gaining momentum then leaps directly onto the massive chandelier hanging from the ceiling.. which can not.. and does not support Alex's weight. It crashes down on the mob pinning Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny beneath it in a bloody mess. Meanwhile the fire has finally spread to the table of booze engulfing the room in flames and sending people scattering. Except for the trapped Bunny and Saint Nick and the leprechaun who is still crying over the stuffed unicorn.
Santa Claus: I'll get you Alex! You're on my permanent naughty list! Ho ho ho!
Narrator: At this point Jay Omega sprinted into the room also dressed as Santa..
Jay Omega: Jay Claus is the only real Claus! what? Wait.. Alexander Richards? What happened?
Alex reaches into the back pocket of the leprechaun and pulls out a flask before smiling.
Alex Richards: It's a long story. But there is a moral. Never buy percocets from a guy named Merle.
Jay Omega: You know I've seen you around before and this is the first thing you ever did I approved of. At least a little. So I should warn you.. I heard sirens and I'm gonna take off. You should as well.
Alex Richards: Nah, cops have the really good drugs! The party is just beginning!
Narrator: (Alex Richards) Jay took off, after booting Santa in the ribs for good measure and I waited for the police who didn't want to party. Instead they arrested me for violating parole. Then it took me years to remember the proper mix of booze and pills to bring Alex back. Ah, wasted youth.
Alex turns to Shaun with a grin but his half brother just rolls his eyes.
Alex Richards: So after hearing that you can guess why they are so mad at me.
SZR: Yeah, great story. But I don't believe a word of it. You dressed as the tooth fairy? Beat up Santa Claus? You started early on the Zim-Quila today didn't you? And what did you mix with it to come up with that? It's creative I'll give you that.
More loud banging is heard outside.
Alex Richards: You should believe it. Why else would Santa Claus be outside of the Strange Rover?
SZR: That's one theory. A better theory is you have Steven.. or Jay... or Chelsea.. or any number of your friends outside banging pots and pans in an attempt to freak me out.
Alex Richards: Would I do a thing like that?
SZR: YES!
Alex Richards: I think I'm insulted. If I wanted to prank you I would be much more creative then that! I would have the guy dressed up like Santa come in here, put you in their sack and kidnap you!
SZR: Ha! So you admit it's not real!
Alex Richards: What? No. If I was pranking you it would be a guy dressed up as Santa. The real Santa hates my guts because I beat him up. C'mon Zach, try to keep up.
SZR: Santa isn't real. What are you six?
Alex Richards: Let's make a bet. If it's not the real Santa Claus you have to do anything I name! If not, I'll do what you want.
Shaun thinks for a second, not wanting to get tricked by Alex. Then responds.
SZR: It has to be something without a possibility of serious injury and/or death.
Alex Richards: Damnit! Most of my best ideas involve that! Fine.. deal.
The two shake and Shaun laughs.
SZR: You really have been making up for lost time on the drinking and pill popping haven't you? Since now you believe you're being stalked by imaginary creatures! Normally this would worry me. But when I win the bet I'm making you see a shrink!
Shaun jumps as a loud BANG BANG BANG rings out.
Alex Richards: It's getting louder.. should we see what it is?
SZR: Yes... let's check the on board camera though.
Alex Richards: We have one of those?
SZR: Didn't you check the Strange Rover's updated instruction manual.
Alex Richards: I skimmed it.
SZR: You mean used it as a boot coaster.
Alex Richards: Same thing. Besides I already know.. hey.. Strange Rover... show me what's on the outside camera and get me another Zim-Quila!
The television screen in the den immediately comes to life and we do indeed see the security feed from outside of the Strange Rover. Alex might not know this but the security cameras are actually mounted inside of the mirrors on either side of the Strange Rover. And the image displayed on the screen is indeed Saint Nick. But not necessarily what you would expect from him. Santa Claus does indeed have a long white beard, he is wearing the traditional red suit, and red hat with the white fur around the edges. However his black boots appear to be more military style black boots. You wouldn't think Santa would be tall but he appears to stand at at least 6 foot 8 inches. And instead of the fat, jolly man you would expect Santa Claus looks like he's spent a minimum of 500 years at the gym. Which he probably has come to think of it.
SZR: Yeah... I would say nice try. But that's not even close to believable.
Narrator: (SZR) I was actually relieved Alex appeared to have just hired an actor. All if is the worst he is up to today I'll be laughing.
Santa's face does indeed look jolly as he begins to speak.
Santa Claus: Now Dasher, Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen! Smash through this Strange Rover! We'll punish Alex Richards! Now Smash away! Smash away! Smash away all!
And with that cry the reindeer in question struggle to pick themselves up from the ground. Dancer, Vixen, and Prancer succeeded. The fourth Dasher is unable to get up and instead lays on the ground in a dazed heap. |The trio of reindeer try to get up to speed and crash into the Strange Rover with all their might but the incredibly strong metal of the vehicle doesn't give causing the reindeer to bounce off hard.
Alex Richards: Oh no Rudolph! I'm coming!
Alex races off exiting the Strange Rover as Shaun shakes his head.
SZR: How about a normal day? Just once..
Alex's antics have already caused Shaun to forget about the days of Allen apparently as the large, ponderous man rumbles out of the truck. Shaun sighs and follows. By the time he's made it outside Alex has thrown his arms protectively around the famous red nosed reindeer.
Alex Richards: You leave him alone Claus! Rudolph was always been my favorite. Anyone with a nose that red clearly drinks a lot. And that's my kind of reindeer!
Santa Claus! Alex Richards! Ho ho ho! It took me years to find out who you were! I only knew you as the fake tooth fairy. Then I saw you on television last week and I would recognize that ugly mug anywhere! You made me wait years for my ho ho holy vengeance! I'll be waiting no longer! You may be naughty Alex, but I... I am far more naughty then the likes of you!
SZR: Alex, I have to hand it to you. You have some strange friends. This guy is even strange for you. But as far as the real Santa.. I thought not. What kind of self respecting Santa would use his reindeer as a battering ram? Aren't they your primary source of transportation?
Santa Claus: Shaun, I'm disappointed in your lack of faith. I've been alive for centuries. Do you really think these are the original reindeer? I just give them the same names every time because it's easy to remember.
Alex Richards: That's actually smart. Think I can get away with calling everyone Bob? It's hard to remember stuff while sober sometimes.
SZR: Don't you mean while drunk?
Alex Richards: No, I have more practice remembering stuff while drunk.
Santa Claus: Hello! Pissed off spirit of Christmas here! I use the magical reindeer until they start to wear down then I make myself some holy jolly reindeer burgers! They aren't just magical, they are magically delicious! Besides training new ones gives the elves something to do!
SZR: Now that I think about it.. why so cheap Alex? You obviously hired this Santa on steroids. Why not hire some elves? Make this more believable?
Santa Claus: Steroids? What else would Santa want for Christmas? Ho ho ho! Christmas is my one cheat day a year. The rest of the year Santa works out hard.. just in case he has to settle a score. Last week I got that rogue dog who bit Santa on the rear. The week before that the joker who forgot to put out their fireplace before going to bed.. this week.. it's finally you Alex. But since you've always been good Shaun I'll answer your question. The elves are not here because they are busy making toys. It takes them all year to make toys for the children of the world. And they get paid minimum wage.. third world country minimum wage! And Santa makes billions every year selling people's mailing information to telemarketers! What did you think I did with the letters? Ho ho ho!
Alex Richards: Wait! You're the one who sold my information to Christian Mingle dot com? Those fuckers have been bugging me to go to rehab for years!
Santa Claus: I'm sorry Alex.
Alex Richards: Really?
Santa Claus: I'm sorry I didn't know that so I have gloated over it earlier! Ho ho ho!
SZR: This can't be right.. Santa is kind and jolly not evil and mean!
Santa Claus: I am the real Santa I just have a really good public relations firm. Paid for primarily by major stores around the world, who also pay me handsomely. If they knew Santa was really evil, they wouldn't follow my lead and buy toys for their children! My only regret is that they don't let me give coal to the naughty kids anymore. But don't worry Alex.. I brought plenty of coal for you..
Alex Richards: Well I have a present for you as well..
Alex leaps over connecting with a superman punch to the jaw of Santa knocking out several chicklets from jolly old saint Nicholas's mouth. Alex grins, bents over and picks up the teeth.
Alex Richards: What do you know? Maybe I really am the tooth fairy! Here you go..
Alex goes into his pocket and fetches out a five dollar bill as Santa retreats to his sleigh laughing.
Santa Claus: Bitch please. I've been eating milk and cookies by the millions for a thousand years. Obviously those teeth were as real as this giant candy cane.
Santa reaches into his sack and pulls out a giant candy cane which must stand at least 5 feet tall. Alex knows it's a trick but he's still puzzled as to what the holiday mascot has planned. He reaches out with the candy cane and hooks Alex around the neck with it and pulls him in then knees him right in the groin before blasting him in the head with the candy cane.
Santa Claus: I tried to convince my elves to make coal canes for the kiddies but they wouldn't do it! I knew it was a good idea though. Would you like another taste Alex?
Santa doesn't wait for an answer he just blasts Alex in the head again with the coal cane breaking it. He drops the broken weapon and mounts Alex singing a merry tune while pummeling the archduke of mass confusion.
Santa Claus: You better watch out. You better not cry. You better just run I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is beating you down! Oh he's making a fist! He's cocking it twice! He doesn't care if you're naughty or nice. Santa Claus is beating you down! He beats you while you're sleeping until you are awake! He doesn't care if you're bad or good. Cause he's punching you in the face! Hey!
Santa Claus stands up and does some shadow boxing as the already battered looking Alex Richards gets to his feet looking up at the massive holiday nightmare.
Santa Claus: Now that I finished giving you your seasons beating I'm going to make you give me the keys to your Strange Rover! Then I won't need stupid reindeer ever again! You ever cleaned up reindeer crap?
Alex Richards: Yeah, I had to do community service in the North Pole once.
Santa Claus: You're lying! Even now you're lying! Obviously you haven't learned your lesson yet. When this is over.. I'm going to make you not only give me the Strange Rover but clean up after my reindeer!
Alex Richards: You ever smoked Rudolph's poop Santa? I'll bet it would get you high. Nah, you wouldn't have. You're too tense to ever get high.
Santa lets out a bellow of rage and returns to his sleigh, picking up a massive object from the floor... a giant cannon! Alex decides to switch tactics and try something new. Okay, something old. Confusion!
Alex Richards: You know what. I admit it Zach, this isn't the real Santa Claus.
SZR: Of course he isn't! That beard isn't even real.
Santa Claus: I've been growing this beard since 1647! You would I would expect doubt from Alex. But you Shaun, I'm disappointed. You were actually always on my nice list. You did spent most of the last few years looking after Alex. You won't have to after tonight... Ho ho ho! But I can prove I'm the real Santa Claus. I remember when you were seven and you asked for an easy bake oven Shaun. But I thought that was a sissy thing for a boy to ask for so I got you a Panasonic shoulder mount camcorder instead.
SZR: And that triggered my love of film making.. Holly shit.. you are the real Santa.
Alex Richards: So that's why I got that easy bake oven! And the instructions told me to stick my head inside and turn it on! Luckily for me I never listen to authority and used it to give myself my first tattoo instead. It said..
Santa Claus: You were a bad kid even then.
Alex Richards: But this guy isn't the real Santa Claus... he's probably just some peeping tom who saw what you got for Christmas.
Santa Claus: Oh yeah.. disprove this. Ever notice how it always seems to snow just before Christmas.. Is it a Christmas miracle? No! It's the all powerful Saint Nick of course! Even in June I can bring forth Christmas cheer because... I am Christmas... bitch!
And with that the temperature drops.. and snow flakes start to fall from the sky more and more rapidly.
SZR: Umm Alex.. I think you might be in trouble.
Alex Richards: What? This guy is so fake! You never heard of a Christmas in July sale? Where do you think they came from? It snows all the time in June here in Chicago!
Alex's attempt at distracting Father Christmas fails and he is forced to duck out of the way of the coal cannonball Santa fired at him from his red and green Christmas colored cannon. Santa reloads and fires again missing again as the cannonball flies just over Alex's shoulder connecting with the driver's side door of the Strange Rover causing a huge dent. Alex looks at it with disbelief.. then rage.
Alex Richards: That's it! I don't care if you're Santa Claus, St. Nick, or just some freak in a red suit.. nobody... but nobody fucks with the Strange Rover!
Santa Claus: You think you're mad? Imagine how long it's gonna take my elves to buff out that dent once the Strange Rover is mine!
Alex Richards: And when you're done with it.. you're gonna turn it into Strange Rover Steaks aren't you? Well my truck slash home slash source of alcohol is not a meal!
Alex crackles his knuckles and adjusts his neck.
Alex Richards: Alright... Claus... let's do this..
Alex approaches Santa with bad intentions in spite of the fact the snowfall has now become a blizzard and Alex can barely even see Santa. Fortunately for Alex Santa can barely see him either and can't aim the cannon. Unfortunately for Alex Santa's wild shot drills one of the branches on the ancient 75 foot tall American Sweetgum tree that earlier was shading Alex and Shaun. The branch comes crashing down knocking the archduke to the ground in a daze. Santa wheels the cannon in the direction of Alex whistling we wish you a Merry Christmas. Alex now cut up from the wooden weapon uses the broken branch to pull himself to his feet.
Santa Claus: Any last words? Tell Santa what you want for Christmas and I'll leave it on your grave! Ho ho ho!
Alex Richards: What do you know about the birds and the bees?
Santa Claus: Santa thinks he gave you the gift of concussion!
Alex Richards: They don't have bees in the North Pole do they? Well prepare for some culture shock!
Alex reaches up with the branch into the tree beside the one that just floored him. He uses it to hook a large bee hive that was resting from a branch and launches it right onto the head of Claus! Santa screams as the bees, probably already confused and upset because of the snow, sting him again and again in an attempt to protect their queen. While Santa struggles to fight off the bees Alex begins to..
SZR: You're building a snowman?
Alex Richards: Tis the season!
SZR: How is this going to help you against that unstoppable Christmas nightmare exactly?
Alex Richards: I don't question my ideas. I just go with them and see what happens.
Alex finishes the snowman.. but doesn't look happy with his work. He returns to the Strange Rover and returns with a carrot for the nose and a top hat which he places on top. Alex smiles and turns to Shaun grinning.
Alex Richards: Now that's a styling snowman! Wait, that's almost a styling snowman.
Alex goes into his ever present doctor's bag and pulls out his drinking boot and then uses two of the smaller broken branches to give the snowman arms then places the boot on one of them.
Alex Richards: If it's a sober snowman it ain't really living. C'mon Frosty.. come to live and fight my battle for me!
The snowman, of course, remains a snowman. Shaun face palms, shaking his head as Santa Claus has fought off the bees and returned to the fight seemingly not too much the worse for wear but much more angry.
Santa Claus: You are by far the stupidest person I ever fought! Most people would have run, or drove off, or at least got a weapon! But you.. you made a snowman! Have you watched frozen too many times? You thought you could bring a snowman to life? It takes the spirit of Christmas to do that! You know as in MY spirit of Christmas! Besides you moron, how did you think you were gonna bring a snowman to life without my favorite part... two eyes made out of coal!
Santa reaches into the pocket of his red suit and pulls out two pieces of coal which he places in an eye position on the top of the snowman. Then sprinkles some magic red and green dust onto the Snowman which begins to grow and look towards Santa waiting for direction.
Santa Claus: Now that's how you animate a snowman! Now Frosty show this idiot what my idea of a winter wonderland is! Ho ho ho!
The snowman looks towards Alex who makes the drinkie, drinkie motion with his hand pointing towards the boot filled with Zim-Quila in the Snowman's branch hand. The snowman raises it up to where he would have a mouth if he wasn't a snowman. Santa screams NOOOOOOOOOOO! As the snowman drains the boot.. take a giant step towards Santa and promptly buries him in an alvalanche of snow as he collapses on top of him! Alex sadly shakes his head.
Alex Richards: Poor snowman.. can't handle his booze.
Santa tries to claw his own out from what moments earlier was a 7 foot snowman as Alex goes to Santa's sleigh. With an expression of pure joy he reaches into Santa's sack and pulls out..
Alex Richards: Now I know what kids at Christmas are supposed to feel like Zach! I always wanted these.. or would have if I knew they existed!
SZR: If it's a puppy, you can't have it. I already have to take care of one dumb animal...
Alex doesn't pull out a puppy instead he pulls out... red hulk hands made of coal!
Alex Richards: Alex smash!
Alex pounces Santa Claus beating the supposedly jolly, actually quite sinister Christmas entity again and again until he finally stops moving.
SZR: You know how many people have made some sort of Hulk Smash joke? It's not original at all!
Alex Richards: It's new to me damnit! So I'm gonna pretend it's completely original. Besides I just got a brawl with evil old Saint Nicholas. Bet no other wrestler was ever done that. Sure, they could fight mall Santas by the dozen, but I beat the real deal.
Santa Claus: You haven't beat me yet
Santa groans, trying to recover. The bloody red jolly old elf doesn't have the strength to raise from the snow.
Alex Richards: Hey.. Zach.. Zima me!
SZR: Are you sure? You just want Zima?
Alex Richards: I need something tamer.
Shaun looks confused, but since it's Alex he always does confusing stuff so he mostly takes it in stride. He approaches the final reindeer in good shape Rudolph who has been watching the entire fight. Alex holds his hands in a bowl and Shaun pours it into them. He whispers something in Rudolph's ear then offers him the booze which the reindeer laps up.
Alex Richards: See? Now he can handle his liquor.
Santa Claus: This isn't over!
Alex Richards: Oh yes it is.
Rudolph grabs Santa by the boot and flies off into the distance leaving Father Christmas cursing some very unchristmas like words as he is hauled off into the distance.
SZR: Everytime I think you couldn't possibly do something stranger...
Alex Richards: What can I say Zach, I'm an overachiever.
With Santa Claus gone the snow quickly ceases. The sun returns and a rainbow suddenly appears close to the duo. Too close.
SZR: Now I'm not claiming to be a scientist, but I am fairly certain that snow doesn't not bring rainbows.
Alex smiles in pure delight.
Alex Richards: I think today is about to get even stranger Zach!
Later that day... it's quickly drawing dark.. the wooden area now looks like a disaster area where several bombs have gone off in a confined space. Not that several bombs have gone off it just looks like that. And in the middle of all the carnage a man has dragged a purple easy chair. A strange man. The strange man sits in the chair relaxing, sipping on a clear liquor, relaxing before deciding to speak.
Alex Richards: So this week, after this epic war, I get to cool down. How am I going to cool down you ask? With a match with Wade Moor of course! Last week Wade Moor was probably disappointed he didn't advance in the world title tournament. But you know.. I don't know why, Wade Moor is always disappointing! Join the lamest, most annoying stable possible? Yeah he do that! Probably because his former group, the Beach Krew, is the only group he would actually fit in with. See, I might be strange. But I'm proud of being strange damnit! Wade Moor, he's annoying and lame through and through. Kind of like Steve Urkel trying to be cool! But then Steve would laugh because I'm facing Godnilla this week. It's clever because it's like godzilla but.. oh fuck that that's just stupid. And when some guy who calls himself the archduke of mass confusion thinks you have a stupid name you have real problems
Alex goes into his pocket for a cigar, lights it and takes a few puffs before continuing.
Alex Richards: I mean look at you.. first off did you steal the Scarecrow's straw hat? I don't mean Crow McMorris, I mean an actual scarecrow. Actually, that hat is pretty cool compared to the rest of you! You actually call yourself... Wade Moor. That can't be your real name, right? It's like you went.. I'm a member of the Beach Krew. I need a lame sea pun! Wait.. I can be the lame sea pun! I'll call myself Wade Moor because you know... wade... like wade in the water, and Moor like more wading.. in the water! Isn't that sick bro? Your whole personality does make me want to throw up so I guess mission accomplished. It's like you decided since you're the joke, everything about you can be the joke as well! Is Wade Moor clever?
Alex snorts.
Alex Richards: Moving on. I guess we can just be thankful you didn't go with your original name choice, Rubber Dingy 69. I'm kind of surprised actually, you're the type of moronic frat boy who wants to slip the number 69 into everything. Actually that name might have made more sense. At least then you're stupid unleash the leviathan scream would make more sense!
Shaun pauses from surveying the damage to chime in.
SZR: No, it doesn't make sense.
Alex Richards: I'm sorry when the most creative, comedic mind in wrestling can't save your lame sea puns you definitely need to re-evaluate. I'll bet you aren't getting any of this.. I'm gonna have to speak the language of your people.. the language of hashtag! What are the chance of a Wade Moor victory this week? #RhymesWithBeero! What are the chances of Wade Moor being taken seriously this week? #RhymesWithBeero! What's the chance of Wade Moor ever coming up with a hashtag better then my awesome #RhymesWithBeero? We all know the answer is #RhymesWithBeero! I don't thinks I'm drunk enough to continue along this line so let's go to the big finish!
SZR: You're not drunk enough... you've been drinking for at least 18 hours straight..
Alex Richards: I'm not drunk enough to make fun of Wade Moor anymore! It's just.. too damn fun. That makes it no fun. I mean I'm already gonna stomp him in the ring, do I have to take his dignity too? If I've learned anything Wade it's that the dumbest people always get the cliches. So when this wave of confusion washes over you, you will drown in those deep, confusing waters.
The scene fades to black
.....
.....
....
Oh no it doesn't..
Alex Richards: Oh yes Wade Moor, I have jokes, tons of them and I'm using them all. You know why? So you can be the third opponent in a row to talk about how I'm some goofball not taking this match seriously. Because I want you to think that. Because then you won't see it coming until it's too late. Here's the question Wade... are you smart enough to read in between the lines? I don't think so Wade.. there's a reason an outsider showed up and took over leadership of the Beach Krew. You're not a thinker Wade, you're not a leader.
Alex takes a sip from his drink, grimaces and pours it out.
Alex Richards: Water... I've been drinking water for hours. You're thinking you're facing the man who just fought Santa Claus. Why should you take seriously? I just fought and defeated an immortal, ancient demi god. Now you've wondering why would a booze swilling, fun loving resistance man such as myself have any issue with you Wade Moor.
Alex chuckles.
Alex Richards: No, you probably really are wondering that. You know why I told that story from 2008? Because the fact it was fucking hilarious? Simple to prove I can think, that I remember stuff. And sometimes things from your past return. I was ready to fight Santa Claus though. So I defeated that monster from my past. Are you ready to fight this monster from your past? I think not. You probably don't even know my issue with you do me. To take a page from my alterego Alexander, allow me to enlighten you.
Alex takes a deep breathe then continues.
Alex Richards: Your first match.. you and Jared Holmes took on myself and the man known as the Scarecrow at the time. At the end of the match you cheated us, bringing a chair into the ring and pretending to be hit resulting in a cheap disqualification win. I'M FURIOUS AT YOU FOR THAT!!!
Alex grins slightly.
Alex Richards: No, I'm not. Hell as far as I'm concerned that was just two guys realizing they had no chance in Hell of actually defeating Crow or myself so they decided to beat the only man they could, the referee. As far as I'm concerned that's a victory for me because they gave up on fighting us and said no more. Why am I mad though? WHY AM I TRULY GLEEFUL ABOUT FIGHTING YOU THIS WEEK WADE MOOR?!!
SZR: Why are you shouting?
Alex Richards: Shows I'm serious. Plus I have a loud voice so why not? I remember what you did Wade Moor. I remember that night you threw Scarecrow off the balcony in an attempt to murder him! I remember you screwing Jay Omega out of the world title following an eight man tag match, probably paying a massive kickback to Seth Lerch to make it happen and trying to kill his career! The fact you couldn't kill Crow isn't a point in your favor. You were just too stupid to realize you couldn't. That's not something to celebrate! I could talk more about these actions.. but that isn't my story to tell. I'm sure they will get their pound of flesh from you Wade. Hell, I think Crow did last week. So why am I so upset? Simple, you fucked with my friends. Wade Moor, no one gets to fuck with my friends. You make an enemy out of them you make an enemy out of me. And the archduke, he's a drunk, he's a pill popper, he's a prankster.. but he's also a loyal friend.
Alex his a rare serious expression on his face, not even a hint of a smile.
Alex Richards: When we were in that former fed I went to the head offices, time and time again.. demanding a match with you... demanding a match with your Beach Krew. And time and time again I was ignored! I've been waiting for over a year for this chance at revenge. This chance to show you your actions do indeed have consequences. The old saying goes revenge is a dish best served cold. But that's actually bullshit. Revenge is best served boiling hot so I can throw that shit in your face and scar you for life! And that.. that's what I intend to you. You tried to kill Crow.. you tried to kill Jay Omega's career.. I think it's time you experience a death of your own.
SZR: You're not going to..
Alex Richards: Wade, I'm going to defeat you. That's part of the plan. I want you to know you failed... yet again. But I'm not just going to defeat you, I am going to beat you to the point where you can no longer stand, you can no longer defend yourself. I'll leave you laying on the mat, semi conscious.. I'll stand over you.. Then walk away. See Wade, I'm the bigger man. You need to try and kill people, try and end their careers because you know you're not the better man and if there is another fight you will lose. That's why you tried to kill Crow, and when you failed you were defeated by him last week. That's my payback, Wade. When I finished beating you.. I will show you mercy. I won't consider you enough of a threat to finish you off. You didn't finish off my friends because you couldn't. I chose not to finish you off. Wade.. live with the failure.
This time it does fade to black
Alex Richards: Gather round Zach, it's story time!
SZR: Story time?
Alex Richards: I'm gonna tell you one kickass story!
SZR: Not that I'm complaining but that seems almost normal for you.
Alex Richards: Well if you want we can go transport bronco-ing instead.
SZR: I can smell the bad idea from the name alone.
Alex Richards: How is climbing on a bridge, waiting for a transport truck to come by, leaping off onto the back of it, and attempting to ride it like a bull for a full eight second ride ever a bad idea?
SZR: Do I need to answer that?
Alex Richards: The drivers really get freaked out and swerve a lot. You would love it!
SZR: Story time it is!
Alex Richards: I kind of thought that was gonna be the case.
SZR: So are you gonna tell me the story of how you got the Strange Rover back?
Alex Richards: While I was gonna last week. But I think the moment has past.
SZR: Too bad I really want to know. We were looking for it by tracking down that guy you sold the Rover to on Craigslist, then we went to the auto wreckers then the next time I saw you it was back.
Alex Richards: Tesla had it.
SZR: And see, that's why I want to hear the story.
Alex Richards: I have a better one though. You remember that story Jay Omega told last week about me meeting up with a few holiday creatures?
SZR: No. You already know I wasn't there.
Alex Richards: Well do I have a story for you. It goes all the way to sometime in 2009...
What appears to be loud jingling bells is heard off in the distance.
SZR: I swear.. if you attracted 5 million wind chimes to a herd of buffalo again...
Alex Richards: That made beautiful music. I'm not sorry for it at all! But back to the story...
Narrator: (Alex Richards) Ever hear of a convention of the Holiday Super Beings? Me neither, but my alterego who was running the show at the time Alexander Richards somehow did. He thought that he could make himself the stuff of nightmares by publicly destroying childhood heroes. Yeah, I know he has issues.
SZR: You do know he's you, right?
Alex Richards: Don't be like that Zach! You're harshing my buzz.
SZR: You're always buzzed so that's not a big loss.
Alex Richards: Being sober is a big loss. Anyhow back to the story.
Narrator: (Alex Richards) He found out they were having a party in a ball room so he was determined to crash it. He approached the door, permanent scowl on his face wearing a black t shirt with the slogan Kill Your Parents and walked in like he owned the place.. or would have if not for the doorman.
Doorman: Sorry.. no normal.
Alexander Richards: I could beat you until you let me in. I could make you scream permission allowing me to enter.
Doorman: There are police on call. And I have a concealed weapons permit. You aren't getting in there one way or the other.
Alexander walks away muttering to himself we'll just see about that..
Narrator: (Alex Richards) Alexander was kind of a dick and always thought he was smarter and better then everyone else so obviously he was going to plot to get in there somehow. In this case though he got in the same way I would have.. he was just shit as lucky.
SZR: You said it not me.
Alex Richards: Hey, it's better to be shit ass lucky then good. People don't expect as much from you. I mean c'mon.. old Alexander is kind of like Wade Moor if you really think about it. One of those guys who always wants people to think he's smarter, better, and more dangerous than everyone else. But when it comes down to it, he's really not. He was simply in the right place, at the right time, a few times and so people give him credit for more than he deserves. But I'll talk more about Wade later.
Alexander makes his way to the exit where he spots a fairly attractive lady dressed in a strange manner, wearing a pink tutu, a tiara, wings, and wand with a giant tooth on the top of it who is smoking a cigarette.
Alexander Richards: You must be one of those freaks. You will switch clothes with me and I will take your place at that party.
Tooth Fairy: Yes, you will.
Alexander Richards: I was expecting more resistance.
Tooth Fairy: I'm only here because Santa Claus said I had to be. I hate these parties. Santa always hits on me and eventually I get too drunk to resist the allure of his power and do something I regret. Then he calls me a Ho Ho ho before he kicks me out of his hotel room. You want to take my place? Go ahead.
SZR: So you guys changed clothes just like that?
Alex Richards: Hey! You want to tell the story?
SZR: I don't know the story.
Loud thumping is heard outside. Alex pays no attention to it though and continues telling the tale.
Narrator: So we switched outfits but Alexander of course couldn't let it end that way and stole the tooth fairy's cell phone.
Alexander Richards: Whenever I leave an encounter I have to make sure the other people is just a little less happy then before they met me. So I'm taking your cell phone and giving Santa your number.
The tooth fairy thinks for a minute, then walks off obviously having come to the conclusion she can just change her number. Alexander walks back inside of the building obviously a man on a mission where he notices a shady character wearing a long trench coat swearing and cursing at the doorman and the holiday characters.
Shady Guy: Fucking uppity holiday snobs! What the fuck do they mean the pusherman is not a holiday character? There was a fucking unicorn in there! What they were talking about? Everyone uses drugs during holidays! What do you think the long weekend is for? Hey.. you.. you going in there?
Alexander Richards: Not that it's your business but yes.
Pusherman: Would you punch Santa Claus for me? The asshole stole my baggie of weed and gave me this..
The pusherman goes into his pocket and pulls out some really dried out looking figgy pudding.
Pusherman: Who the fuck eats figgy pudding anyways? Shit's disgusting.
Alexander Richards: Would you happen to have any drugs left?
The drug dealer grins and looks around. Seeing the coast is clear he pulls out a baggie filled with yellow pills.
Pusherman: I still have these percs. Interested in buying?
Alexander Richards: I can't buy drugs. That would make you happy. I'm not interested in doing that.
The drug dealer looks bewildered.
Pusherman: Then what are you going to do?
Alexander Richards: Obviously I'm going to steal them then take them all at once so you have no chance of recovering them.
The dealer laughs.
Pusherman: Good one.
Alex grabs him by the throat and lifts him up and slams him against the wall. He snatches the bag away from the dealer then lets him drop before opening the baggie and dumping the contents down his throat. He gulps deeply.. then twitches several times.
Pusherman: Not that I care but you need to go to the hospital. That was a lethal overdose.
Alexander Richards: What I need is a drink!
Alexander notices a server walking by with a bottle of water. He snatches it away from him.
Narrator: (Alex Richards) Now I didn't know it at the time but that particular waiter was awesome and liked to drink. So much he drinks on the job. Kind of like I do. But his bosses didn't like that so much so he filled his water bottle with sweet... sweet... Tequila. That helped make this night special.. because it was the birth of Alex Richards!
SZR: Well I know you didn't die at least.
Alex Richards: Would you stop interrupting the story?
SZR: How am I interrupting the story more than that banging outside?
Alex Richards: You're totally killing the mood.
Alexander chugs down the bottle of what he thought was water. Ignoring the burning sensation in his throat. He coughs once.. coughs twice. He twitches again. The drug dealer looks at Alexander with an expression of fear, probably fearing a manslaughter charge. He looks with concern at Alexander who's eyes roll back in his head.. then they open.. and he smiles.
Alex Richards: Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonshine? I think he's in Georgia. We can go down and steal his fiddle. Use it to make some fiddle faddle because that shit's delicious!
Pusherman: You're crazy man! You need to go to the hospital!
The drug dealer runs off not wanting to be blamed for whatever might happen. Alex grins and waves at him as he takes off.
Alex Richards: Bye Merle! Thanks for the drugs! Wait.. come back.. who's gonna drive me to Georgia now? Maybe somebody from that party will!
Alex obviously having gotten some sort of energy burst from his booze and pills cocktail sprints towards the party as if he were a running back. The doorman looks, does a double take at the large bald man dressed as a tooth fairy sprinting towards him. He shakes his head mutters they don't pay me enough and steps aside allowing Alex to enter the party.
Narrator: (Alex Richards) Now you know I wouldn't lie to you Zach but even I could hardly believe who was at the party! Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a bunch of elves, a leprechaun who happened to be riding a unicorn for the record, there were some gnomes, a troll, a few witches some with green skin some without, one fairy godmother, a genie, and some guy with a nametag proclaiming him King Koopa Who I immediately approach.
Alex Richards: What a rip off! You're not animated at all! And no spikes! I never thought this before but Mario could totally kick your ass!
King Koopa: Shhh... of course I'm not really King Koopa, that's my other stage name besides Chamillionaire. Seriously Google it. But it got me in here and this party is off the hook!
Alex Richards: That seems dishonest.
King Koopa: Are you really the tooth fairy?
Alex Richards: You sir have insulted my honor! I shall show you how to shoot fireballs Super Mario style!
Alex grabs a drink away from the Easter Bunny goes into his pocket for a zippo and tosses it at the rapper who's comeback attempt probably just went up in flames. He stop, drop, and rolls into the curtains which promptly blaze up. As the Easter Bunny double hind leg kicks Alex in the jaw!
Easter Bunny: You know how expensive imported carrot vodka is? Oh forget it, I have another one being delivered in..
The Easter bunny looks at his rolax watch. Then adjusts his Armani suit.
Easter Bunny: 3 minutes 18 seconds. I know it's expensive but I'm worth it.
Alex Richards: I thought if there was a rich rabbit it would have been Bugs.
Easter Bunny: That guy is an idiot, tooth fairy. You know as well as I do.. the money is in the expense billing. I subcontract out millions a year to build toys for Easter and give the kiddies some cheap chocolates and eggs and rake in the profits.
Alex Richards: Wait a second.. you got me that stupid Easter bonnet! Everyone laughed at me when I wore that! Well let's see who's laughing after I see if Easter bunny tastes better than regular bunny!
Easter Bunny: Would you look at the time? As the Easter bunny, I have exactly 363 sexual encounters scheduled today. I gotta go fuck like a.. well you know... bye!
The Easter bunny uses his rabbit like speed to take off as Alex laughs. Seconds later a man wearing a UPS outfit rushes over holding out a glass of imported carrot vodka.
Alex Richards: Sucker.. I just wanted his drink and it is... oh horrible! I hate health food!
Alex tosses the half finished drink and it crashes right though a mirror accidentally injuring several of the witches who were using it to gain insight or curse people depending on their flavor of witchcraft. At this point the leprechaun makes an appearance still riding the unicorn and spanking her.
Unicorn: Stop it! I'm just not that into you! And I'm certainly not into that!
Alex pulls the leprechaun off.
Alex Richards: Okay. I caught you. Give me your lucky charms!
Leprechaun: The fuck is wrong with you! I have gold.. not lucky charms! I'm gonna go get my shillelagh and give you a good hiding!
The little man stalks off angrily. The unicorn seems happy to see him go.
Unicorn: Oh thank you thank you!
Alex grins a devilish grin.
Alex Richards: Want to prank him?
Unicorn: Oh god yes! Normally he's a good guy except when he's drinking.. which is all the time.
Narrator: (Alex Richards) So I went over and picked up a plush toy unicorn.
SZR: Okay this is ridiculous. They just happened to have stuffed animals laying around?
Alex Richards: Does that really shock you considering this party? By the way it was one of the few stuffed animals that didn't end up as part of that fire I started earlier.
SZR: Wouldn't the sprinkler system have put it out by now?
Alex Richards: I think they turned it off because of the dragon. Anyhow.. back to my story..
Loud crashing noises are heard again as Alex continues his story.
Alex Richards: So we rip the head off, pull out some of the stuffing and we have an awesome prank! I'm drunk enough to think it's really you.. that guy probably is too!
And indeed he is. The leprechaun returns and notices the beheaded stuffed unicorn, fluff all over the place drops to his knees and begins to wail. Alex turns to the real unicorn and offers a fist bump.
Unicorn: I'm a unicorn. We don't fist bump.. we headbutt.
The unicorn does indeed try the headbutt but at the last second Alex notices a chip on the floor and ducks down to scoop it up causing the unicorn to headbutt the wall where her horn gets stuck in the drywall.
Alex Richards: That's a good chip. Hey, where'd she go? Ah well.. I need to find more food anyways.
At this point Santa Claus finally approaches Alex with slight distaste on his face.
Santa Claus: A dude tooth fairy? Who's Santa gonna cheat on Mrs. Claus with now? Ah well at least I can finally get the answer to the question I've always wondered about. Now you know I have to visit those little snot nosed bastards ever year on Christmas. Can't get out of it. But you... why not when the first tooth falls out you show up with a pair of pylors and rip out all their teeth. You give em twenty bucks and you never have to see them again! Ho ho ho!
Alex Richards: You really think I'm the real Tooth Fairy don't you?
The party suddenly stops and everyone turns and looks at Alex, slowly surrounding him. Well almost everyone.
Santa Claus: This is a private party. No one can know our secrets. Fortunately the world isn't gonna miss some guy who likes to dress up like the tooth fairy.
Alex Richards: You dress up like Santa Claus.
Santa Claus: I AM SANTA CLAUS BITCH! How should we get rid of him?
The witches quickly start a burn him chant.
Santa Claus: You witches.. always with the burning at the stake. What can I say? I'm a crowd pleaser! Ho ho ho!
Santa whispers to Alex thanks for being my wingman before starting to brutally stomp and kick him. Just when you think there is no hope for our hero the unicorn finally pulls herself free along with most of the wall. She swings around and takes out most of the mob with the giant sheet of drywall. Alex escapes from the mob in the confusion and climbs onto the stage looking for an escape route. He decides to scale the curtains. Which start to rip.
SZR: Oh great plan.
Alex Richards: It was my first time drunk and high as Alex. Give me a break will ya?
Alex swings on the curtain gaining momentum then leaps directly onto the massive chandelier hanging from the ceiling.. which can not.. and does not support Alex's weight. It crashes down on the mob pinning Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny beneath it in a bloody mess. Meanwhile the fire has finally spread to the table of booze engulfing the room in flames and sending people scattering. Except for the trapped Bunny and Saint Nick and the leprechaun who is still crying over the stuffed unicorn.
Santa Claus: I'll get you Alex! You're on my permanent naughty list! Ho ho ho!
Narrator: At this point Jay Omega sprinted into the room also dressed as Santa..
Jay Omega: Jay Claus is the only real Claus! what? Wait.. Alexander Richards? What happened?
Alex reaches into the back pocket of the leprechaun and pulls out a flask before smiling.
Alex Richards: It's a long story. But there is a moral. Never buy percocets from a guy named Merle.
Jay Omega: You know I've seen you around before and this is the first thing you ever did I approved of. At least a little. So I should warn you.. I heard sirens and I'm gonna take off. You should as well.
Alex Richards: Nah, cops have the really good drugs! The party is just beginning!
Narrator: (Alex Richards) Jay took off, after booting Santa in the ribs for good measure and I waited for the police who didn't want to party. Instead they arrested me for violating parole. Then it took me years to remember the proper mix of booze and pills to bring Alex back. Ah, wasted youth.
Alex turns to Shaun with a grin but his half brother just rolls his eyes.
Alex Richards: So after hearing that you can guess why they are so mad at me.
SZR: Yeah, great story. But I don't believe a word of it. You dressed as the tooth fairy? Beat up Santa Claus? You started early on the Zim-Quila today didn't you? And what did you mix with it to come up with that? It's creative I'll give you that.
More loud banging is heard outside.
Alex Richards: You should believe it. Why else would Santa Claus be outside of the Strange Rover?
SZR: That's one theory. A better theory is you have Steven.. or Jay... or Chelsea.. or any number of your friends outside banging pots and pans in an attempt to freak me out.
Alex Richards: Would I do a thing like that?
SZR: YES!
Alex Richards: I think I'm insulted. If I wanted to prank you I would be much more creative then that! I would have the guy dressed up like Santa come in here, put you in their sack and kidnap you!
SZR: Ha! So you admit it's not real!
Alex Richards: What? No. If I was pranking you it would be a guy dressed up as Santa. The real Santa hates my guts because I beat him up. C'mon Zach, try to keep up.
SZR: Santa isn't real. What are you six?
Alex Richards: Let's make a bet. If it's not the real Santa Claus you have to do anything I name! If not, I'll do what you want.
Shaun thinks for a second, not wanting to get tricked by Alex. Then responds.
SZR: It has to be something without a possibility of serious injury and/or death.
Alex Richards: Damnit! Most of my best ideas involve that! Fine.. deal.
The two shake and Shaun laughs.
SZR: You really have been making up for lost time on the drinking and pill popping haven't you? Since now you believe you're being stalked by imaginary creatures! Normally this would worry me. But when I win the bet I'm making you see a shrink!
Shaun jumps as a loud BANG BANG BANG rings out.
Alex Richards: It's getting louder.. should we see what it is?
SZR: Yes... let's check the on board camera though.
Alex Richards: We have one of those?
SZR: Didn't you check the Strange Rover's updated instruction manual.
Alex Richards: I skimmed it.
SZR: You mean used it as a boot coaster.
Alex Richards: Same thing. Besides I already know.. hey.. Strange Rover... show me what's on the outside camera and get me another Zim-Quila!
The television screen in the den immediately comes to life and we do indeed see the security feed from outside of the Strange Rover. Alex might not know this but the security cameras are actually mounted inside of the mirrors on either side of the Strange Rover. And the image displayed on the screen is indeed Saint Nick. But not necessarily what you would expect from him. Santa Claus does indeed have a long white beard, he is wearing the traditional red suit, and red hat with the white fur around the edges. However his black boots appear to be more military style black boots. You wouldn't think Santa would be tall but he appears to stand at at least 6 foot 8 inches. And instead of the fat, jolly man you would expect Santa Claus looks like he's spent a minimum of 500 years at the gym. Which he probably has come to think of it.
SZR: Yeah... I would say nice try. But that's not even close to believable.
Narrator: (SZR) I was actually relieved Alex appeared to have just hired an actor. All if is the worst he is up to today I'll be laughing.
Santa's face does indeed look jolly as he begins to speak.
Santa Claus: Now Dasher, Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen! Smash through this Strange Rover! We'll punish Alex Richards! Now Smash away! Smash away! Smash away all!
And with that cry the reindeer in question struggle to pick themselves up from the ground. Dancer, Vixen, and Prancer succeeded. The fourth Dasher is unable to get up and instead lays on the ground in a dazed heap. |The trio of reindeer try to get up to speed and crash into the Strange Rover with all their might but the incredibly strong metal of the vehicle doesn't give causing the reindeer to bounce off hard.
Alex Richards: Oh no Rudolph! I'm coming!
Alex races off exiting the Strange Rover as Shaun shakes his head.
SZR: How about a normal day? Just once..
Alex's antics have already caused Shaun to forget about the days of Allen apparently as the large, ponderous man rumbles out of the truck. Shaun sighs and follows. By the time he's made it outside Alex has thrown his arms protectively around the famous red nosed reindeer.
Alex Richards: You leave him alone Claus! Rudolph was always been my favorite. Anyone with a nose that red clearly drinks a lot. And that's my kind of reindeer!
Santa Claus! Alex Richards! Ho ho ho! It took me years to find out who you were! I only knew you as the fake tooth fairy. Then I saw you on television last week and I would recognize that ugly mug anywhere! You made me wait years for my ho ho holy vengeance! I'll be waiting no longer! You may be naughty Alex, but I... I am far more naughty then the likes of you!
SZR: Alex, I have to hand it to you. You have some strange friends. This guy is even strange for you. But as far as the real Santa.. I thought not. What kind of self respecting Santa would use his reindeer as a battering ram? Aren't they your primary source of transportation?
Santa Claus: Shaun, I'm disappointed in your lack of faith. I've been alive for centuries. Do you really think these are the original reindeer? I just give them the same names every time because it's easy to remember.
Alex Richards: That's actually smart. Think I can get away with calling everyone Bob? It's hard to remember stuff while sober sometimes.
SZR: Don't you mean while drunk?
Alex Richards: No, I have more practice remembering stuff while drunk.
Santa Claus: Hello! Pissed off spirit of Christmas here! I use the magical reindeer until they start to wear down then I make myself some holy jolly reindeer burgers! They aren't just magical, they are magically delicious! Besides training new ones gives the elves something to do!
SZR: Now that I think about it.. why so cheap Alex? You obviously hired this Santa on steroids. Why not hire some elves? Make this more believable?
Santa Claus: Steroids? What else would Santa want for Christmas? Ho ho ho! Christmas is my one cheat day a year. The rest of the year Santa works out hard.. just in case he has to settle a score. Last week I got that rogue dog who bit Santa on the rear. The week before that the joker who forgot to put out their fireplace before going to bed.. this week.. it's finally you Alex. But since you've always been good Shaun I'll answer your question. The elves are not here because they are busy making toys. It takes them all year to make toys for the children of the world. And they get paid minimum wage.. third world country minimum wage! And Santa makes billions every year selling people's mailing information to telemarketers! What did you think I did with the letters? Ho ho ho!
Alex Richards: Wait! You're the one who sold my information to Christian Mingle dot com? Those fuckers have been bugging me to go to rehab for years!
Santa Claus: I'm sorry Alex.
Alex Richards: Really?
Santa Claus: I'm sorry I didn't know that so I have gloated over it earlier! Ho ho ho!
SZR: This can't be right.. Santa is kind and jolly not evil and mean!
Santa Claus: I am the real Santa I just have a really good public relations firm. Paid for primarily by major stores around the world, who also pay me handsomely. If they knew Santa was really evil, they wouldn't follow my lead and buy toys for their children! My only regret is that they don't let me give coal to the naughty kids anymore. But don't worry Alex.. I brought plenty of coal for you..
Alex Richards: Well I have a present for you as well..
Alex leaps over connecting with a superman punch to the jaw of Santa knocking out several chicklets from jolly old saint Nicholas's mouth. Alex grins, bents over and picks up the teeth.
Alex Richards: What do you know? Maybe I really am the tooth fairy! Here you go..
Alex goes into his pocket and fetches out a five dollar bill as Santa retreats to his sleigh laughing.
Santa Claus: Bitch please. I've been eating milk and cookies by the millions for a thousand years. Obviously those teeth were as real as this giant candy cane.
Santa reaches into his sack and pulls out a giant candy cane which must stand at least 5 feet tall. Alex knows it's a trick but he's still puzzled as to what the holiday mascot has planned. He reaches out with the candy cane and hooks Alex around the neck with it and pulls him in then knees him right in the groin before blasting him in the head with the candy cane.
Santa Claus: I tried to convince my elves to make coal canes for the kiddies but they wouldn't do it! I knew it was a good idea though. Would you like another taste Alex?
Santa doesn't wait for an answer he just blasts Alex in the head again with the coal cane breaking it. He drops the broken weapon and mounts Alex singing a merry tune while pummeling the archduke of mass confusion.
Santa Claus: You better watch out. You better not cry. You better just run I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is beating you down! Oh he's making a fist! He's cocking it twice! He doesn't care if you're naughty or nice. Santa Claus is beating you down! He beats you while you're sleeping until you are awake! He doesn't care if you're bad or good. Cause he's punching you in the face! Hey!
Santa Claus stands up and does some shadow boxing as the already battered looking Alex Richards gets to his feet looking up at the massive holiday nightmare.
Santa Claus: Now that I finished giving you your seasons beating I'm going to make you give me the keys to your Strange Rover! Then I won't need stupid reindeer ever again! You ever cleaned up reindeer crap?
Alex Richards: Yeah, I had to do community service in the North Pole once.
Santa Claus: You're lying! Even now you're lying! Obviously you haven't learned your lesson yet. When this is over.. I'm going to make you not only give me the Strange Rover but clean up after my reindeer!
Alex Richards: You ever smoked Rudolph's poop Santa? I'll bet it would get you high. Nah, you wouldn't have. You're too tense to ever get high.
Santa lets out a bellow of rage and returns to his sleigh, picking up a massive object from the floor... a giant cannon! Alex decides to switch tactics and try something new. Okay, something old. Confusion!
Alex Richards: You know what. I admit it Zach, this isn't the real Santa Claus.
SZR: Of course he isn't! That beard isn't even real.
Santa Claus: I've been growing this beard since 1647! You would I would expect doubt from Alex. But you Shaun, I'm disappointed. You were actually always on my nice list. You did spent most of the last few years looking after Alex. You won't have to after tonight... Ho ho ho! But I can prove I'm the real Santa Claus. I remember when you were seven and you asked for an easy bake oven Shaun. But I thought that was a sissy thing for a boy to ask for so I got you a Panasonic shoulder mount camcorder instead.
SZR: And that triggered my love of film making.. Holly shit.. you are the real Santa.
Alex Richards: So that's why I got that easy bake oven! And the instructions told me to stick my head inside and turn it on! Luckily for me I never listen to authority and used it to give myself my first tattoo instead. It said..
Santa Claus: You were a bad kid even then.
Alex Richards: But this guy isn't the real Santa Claus... he's probably just some peeping tom who saw what you got for Christmas.
Santa Claus: Oh yeah.. disprove this. Ever notice how it always seems to snow just before Christmas.. Is it a Christmas miracle? No! It's the all powerful Saint Nick of course! Even in June I can bring forth Christmas cheer because... I am Christmas... bitch!
And with that the temperature drops.. and snow flakes start to fall from the sky more and more rapidly.
SZR: Umm Alex.. I think you might be in trouble.
Alex Richards: What? This guy is so fake! You never heard of a Christmas in July sale? Where do you think they came from? It snows all the time in June here in Chicago!
Alex's attempt at distracting Father Christmas fails and he is forced to duck out of the way of the coal cannonball Santa fired at him from his red and green Christmas colored cannon. Santa reloads and fires again missing again as the cannonball flies just over Alex's shoulder connecting with the driver's side door of the Strange Rover causing a huge dent. Alex looks at it with disbelief.. then rage.
Alex Richards: That's it! I don't care if you're Santa Claus, St. Nick, or just some freak in a red suit.. nobody... but nobody fucks with the Strange Rover!
Santa Claus: You think you're mad? Imagine how long it's gonna take my elves to buff out that dent once the Strange Rover is mine!
Alex Richards: And when you're done with it.. you're gonna turn it into Strange Rover Steaks aren't you? Well my truck slash home slash source of alcohol is not a meal!
Alex crackles his knuckles and adjusts his neck.
Alex Richards: Alright... Claus... let's do this..
Alex approaches Santa with bad intentions in spite of the fact the snowfall has now become a blizzard and Alex can barely even see Santa. Fortunately for Alex Santa can barely see him either and can't aim the cannon. Unfortunately for Alex Santa's wild shot drills one of the branches on the ancient 75 foot tall American Sweetgum tree that earlier was shading Alex and Shaun. The branch comes crashing down knocking the archduke to the ground in a daze. Santa wheels the cannon in the direction of Alex whistling we wish you a Merry Christmas. Alex now cut up from the wooden weapon uses the broken branch to pull himself to his feet.
Santa Claus: Any last words? Tell Santa what you want for Christmas and I'll leave it on your grave! Ho ho ho!
Alex Richards: What do you know about the birds and the bees?
Santa Claus: Santa thinks he gave you the gift of concussion!
Alex Richards: They don't have bees in the North Pole do they? Well prepare for some culture shock!
Alex reaches up with the branch into the tree beside the one that just floored him. He uses it to hook a large bee hive that was resting from a branch and launches it right onto the head of Claus! Santa screams as the bees, probably already confused and upset because of the snow, sting him again and again in an attempt to protect their queen. While Santa struggles to fight off the bees Alex begins to..
SZR: You're building a snowman?
Alex Richards: Tis the season!
SZR: How is this going to help you against that unstoppable Christmas nightmare exactly?
Alex Richards: I don't question my ideas. I just go with them and see what happens.
Alex finishes the snowman.. but doesn't look happy with his work. He returns to the Strange Rover and returns with a carrot for the nose and a top hat which he places on top. Alex smiles and turns to Shaun grinning.
Alex Richards: Now that's a styling snowman! Wait, that's almost a styling snowman.
Alex goes into his ever present doctor's bag and pulls out his drinking boot and then uses two of the smaller broken branches to give the snowman arms then places the boot on one of them.
Alex Richards: If it's a sober snowman it ain't really living. C'mon Frosty.. come to live and fight my battle for me!
The snowman, of course, remains a snowman. Shaun face palms, shaking his head as Santa Claus has fought off the bees and returned to the fight seemingly not too much the worse for wear but much more angry.
Santa Claus: You are by far the stupidest person I ever fought! Most people would have run, or drove off, or at least got a weapon! But you.. you made a snowman! Have you watched frozen too many times? You thought you could bring a snowman to life? It takes the spirit of Christmas to do that! You know as in MY spirit of Christmas! Besides you moron, how did you think you were gonna bring a snowman to life without my favorite part... two eyes made out of coal!
Santa reaches into the pocket of his red suit and pulls out two pieces of coal which he places in an eye position on the top of the snowman. Then sprinkles some magic red and green dust onto the Snowman which begins to grow and look towards Santa waiting for direction.
Santa Claus: Now that's how you animate a snowman! Now Frosty show this idiot what my idea of a winter wonderland is! Ho ho ho!
The snowman looks towards Alex who makes the drinkie, drinkie motion with his hand pointing towards the boot filled with Zim-Quila in the Snowman's branch hand. The snowman raises it up to where he would have a mouth if he wasn't a snowman. Santa screams NOOOOOOOOOOO! As the snowman drains the boot.. take a giant step towards Santa and promptly buries him in an alvalanche of snow as he collapses on top of him! Alex sadly shakes his head.
Alex Richards: Poor snowman.. can't handle his booze.
Santa tries to claw his own out from what moments earlier was a 7 foot snowman as Alex goes to Santa's sleigh. With an expression of pure joy he reaches into Santa's sack and pulls out..
Alex Richards: Now I know what kids at Christmas are supposed to feel like Zach! I always wanted these.. or would have if I knew they existed!
SZR: If it's a puppy, you can't have it. I already have to take care of one dumb animal...
Alex doesn't pull out a puppy instead he pulls out... red hulk hands made of coal!
Alex Richards: Alex smash!
Alex pounces Santa Claus beating the supposedly jolly, actually quite sinister Christmas entity again and again until he finally stops moving.
SZR: You know how many people have made some sort of Hulk Smash joke? It's not original at all!
Alex Richards: It's new to me damnit! So I'm gonna pretend it's completely original. Besides I just got a brawl with evil old Saint Nicholas. Bet no other wrestler was ever done that. Sure, they could fight mall Santas by the dozen, but I beat the real deal.
Santa Claus: You haven't beat me yet
Santa groans, trying to recover. The bloody red jolly old elf doesn't have the strength to raise from the snow.
Alex Richards: Hey.. Zach.. Zima me!
SZR: Are you sure? You just want Zima?
Alex Richards: I need something tamer.
Shaun looks confused, but since it's Alex he always does confusing stuff so he mostly takes it in stride. He approaches the final reindeer in good shape Rudolph who has been watching the entire fight. Alex holds his hands in a bowl and Shaun pours it into them. He whispers something in Rudolph's ear then offers him the booze which the reindeer laps up.
Alex Richards: See? Now he can handle his liquor.
Santa Claus: This isn't over!
Alex Richards: Oh yes it is.
Rudolph grabs Santa by the boot and flies off into the distance leaving Father Christmas cursing some very unchristmas like words as he is hauled off into the distance.
SZR: Everytime I think you couldn't possibly do something stranger...
Alex Richards: What can I say Zach, I'm an overachiever.
With Santa Claus gone the snow quickly ceases. The sun returns and a rainbow suddenly appears close to the duo. Too close.
SZR: Now I'm not claiming to be a scientist, but I am fairly certain that snow doesn't not bring rainbows.
Alex smiles in pure delight.
Alex Richards: I think today is about to get even stranger Zach!
Later that day... it's quickly drawing dark.. the wooden area now looks like a disaster area where several bombs have gone off in a confined space. Not that several bombs have gone off it just looks like that. And in the middle of all the carnage a man has dragged a purple easy chair. A strange man. The strange man sits in the chair relaxing, sipping on a clear liquor, relaxing before deciding to speak.
Alex Richards: So this week, after this epic war, I get to cool down. How am I going to cool down you ask? With a match with Wade Moor of course! Last week Wade Moor was probably disappointed he didn't advance in the world title tournament. But you know.. I don't know why, Wade Moor is always disappointing! Join the lamest, most annoying stable possible? Yeah he do that! Probably because his former group, the Beach Krew, is the only group he would actually fit in with. See, I might be strange. But I'm proud of being strange damnit! Wade Moor, he's annoying and lame through and through. Kind of like Steve Urkel trying to be cool! But then Steve would laugh because I'm facing Godnilla this week. It's clever because it's like godzilla but.. oh fuck that that's just stupid. And when some guy who calls himself the archduke of mass confusion thinks you have a stupid name you have real problems
Alex goes into his pocket for a cigar, lights it and takes a few puffs before continuing.
Alex Richards: I mean look at you.. first off did you steal the Scarecrow's straw hat? I don't mean Crow McMorris, I mean an actual scarecrow. Actually, that hat is pretty cool compared to the rest of you! You actually call yourself... Wade Moor. That can't be your real name, right? It's like you went.. I'm a member of the Beach Krew. I need a lame sea pun! Wait.. I can be the lame sea pun! I'll call myself Wade Moor because you know... wade... like wade in the water, and Moor like more wading.. in the water! Isn't that sick bro? Your whole personality does make me want to throw up so I guess mission accomplished. It's like you decided since you're the joke, everything about you can be the joke as well! Is Wade Moor clever?
Alex snorts.
Alex Richards: Moving on. I guess we can just be thankful you didn't go with your original name choice, Rubber Dingy 69. I'm kind of surprised actually, you're the type of moronic frat boy who wants to slip the number 69 into everything. Actually that name might have made more sense. At least then you're stupid unleash the leviathan scream would make more sense!
Shaun pauses from surveying the damage to chime in.
SZR: No, it doesn't make sense.
Alex Richards: I'm sorry when the most creative, comedic mind in wrestling can't save your lame sea puns you definitely need to re-evaluate. I'll bet you aren't getting any of this.. I'm gonna have to speak the language of your people.. the language of hashtag! What are the chance of a Wade Moor victory this week? #RhymesWithBeero! What are the chances of Wade Moor being taken seriously this week? #RhymesWithBeero! What's the chance of Wade Moor ever coming up with a hashtag better then my awesome #RhymesWithBeero? We all know the answer is #RhymesWithBeero! I don't thinks I'm drunk enough to continue along this line so let's go to the big finish!
SZR: You're not drunk enough... you've been drinking for at least 18 hours straight..
Alex Richards: I'm not drunk enough to make fun of Wade Moor anymore! It's just.. too damn fun. That makes it no fun. I mean I'm already gonna stomp him in the ring, do I have to take his dignity too? If I've learned anything Wade it's that the dumbest people always get the cliches. So when this wave of confusion washes over you, you will drown in those deep, confusing waters.
The scene fades to black
.....
.....
....
Oh no it doesn't..
Alex Richards: Oh yes Wade Moor, I have jokes, tons of them and I'm using them all. You know why? So you can be the third opponent in a row to talk about how I'm some goofball not taking this match seriously. Because I want you to think that. Because then you won't see it coming until it's too late. Here's the question Wade... are you smart enough to read in between the lines? I don't think so Wade.. there's a reason an outsider showed up and took over leadership of the Beach Krew. You're not a thinker Wade, you're not a leader.
Alex takes a sip from his drink, grimaces and pours it out.
Alex Richards: Water... I've been drinking water for hours. You're thinking you're facing the man who just fought Santa Claus. Why should you take seriously? I just fought and defeated an immortal, ancient demi god. Now you've wondering why would a booze swilling, fun loving resistance man such as myself have any issue with you Wade Moor.
Alex chuckles.
Alex Richards: No, you probably really are wondering that. You know why I told that story from 2008? Because the fact it was fucking hilarious? Simple to prove I can think, that I remember stuff. And sometimes things from your past return. I was ready to fight Santa Claus though. So I defeated that monster from my past. Are you ready to fight this monster from your past? I think not. You probably don't even know my issue with you do me. To take a page from my alterego Alexander, allow me to enlighten you.
Alex takes a deep breathe then continues.
Alex Richards: Your first match.. you and Jared Holmes took on myself and the man known as the Scarecrow at the time. At the end of the match you cheated us, bringing a chair into the ring and pretending to be hit resulting in a cheap disqualification win. I'M FURIOUS AT YOU FOR THAT!!!
Alex grins slightly.
Alex Richards: No, I'm not. Hell as far as I'm concerned that was just two guys realizing they had no chance in Hell of actually defeating Crow or myself so they decided to beat the only man they could, the referee. As far as I'm concerned that's a victory for me because they gave up on fighting us and said no more. Why am I mad though? WHY AM I TRULY GLEEFUL ABOUT FIGHTING YOU THIS WEEK WADE MOOR?!!
SZR: Why are you shouting?
Alex Richards: Shows I'm serious. Plus I have a loud voice so why not? I remember what you did Wade Moor. I remember that night you threw Scarecrow off the balcony in an attempt to murder him! I remember you screwing Jay Omega out of the world title following an eight man tag match, probably paying a massive kickback to Seth Lerch to make it happen and trying to kill his career! The fact you couldn't kill Crow isn't a point in your favor. You were just too stupid to realize you couldn't. That's not something to celebrate! I could talk more about these actions.. but that isn't my story to tell. I'm sure they will get their pound of flesh from you Wade. Hell, I think Crow did last week. So why am I so upset? Simple, you fucked with my friends. Wade Moor, no one gets to fuck with my friends. You make an enemy out of them you make an enemy out of me. And the archduke, he's a drunk, he's a pill popper, he's a prankster.. but he's also a loyal friend.
Alex his a rare serious expression on his face, not even a hint of a smile.
Alex Richards: When we were in that former fed I went to the head offices, time and time again.. demanding a match with you... demanding a match with your Beach Krew. And time and time again I was ignored! I've been waiting for over a year for this chance at revenge. This chance to show you your actions do indeed have consequences. The old saying goes revenge is a dish best served cold. But that's actually bullshit. Revenge is best served boiling hot so I can throw that shit in your face and scar you for life! And that.. that's what I intend to you. You tried to kill Crow.. you tried to kill Jay Omega's career.. I think it's time you experience a death of your own.
SZR: You're not going to..
Alex Richards: Wade, I'm going to defeat you. That's part of the plan. I want you to know you failed... yet again. But I'm not just going to defeat you, I am going to beat you to the point where you can no longer stand, you can no longer defend yourself. I'll leave you laying on the mat, semi conscious.. I'll stand over you.. Then walk away. See Wade, I'm the bigger man. You need to try and kill people, try and end their careers because you know you're not the better man and if there is another fight you will lose. That's why you tried to kill Crow, and when you failed you were defeated by him last week. That's my payback, Wade. When I finished beating you.. I will show you mercy. I won't consider you enough of a threat to finish you off. You didn't finish off my friends because you couldn't. I chose not to finish you off. Wade.. live with the failure.
This time it does fade to black