Beyond the ranch pt.2 feedback please

    
     Some music: My treat for your patience and ear.
    
    Disclaimer: My view fortifies a realistic approach, hence the directions of my criticism. A school of realism if you will. I believe there has to be a connection between promos, the enraptured fanbase (those butts in the seats) and how each competitor lifts themself before these groups. I always aim to exist where the ring and physical acts exist. It's no secret - many of my critiques state this. That said, allow me offer personal insight of the strengths and places for improvement of your work:

    Lets get to the brass tacks of it all: Your shoot is strong. Totally left a number of smoking holes - not all headshots - but definitely the sort of mic action we dig. Specifics are a strength to a cut throat approach; however, you always want to avoid glancing blows. Your histroy w/ M.A.X. is probably the strongest part of the entire promo: 1) It shows voice and agency; 2) Red gives facts for opponents to refute, which gives your word the upper shelf; 3) langauge and intent just seemed to flow right. Keep your style closer to those paragraphs b/c it really inhanced the character. It also gave the most concise argument to your shoot.

    We all find an elephant in the room though. I like this 4th jumping; however, there can be more pecedent for it. In our 1k restrictions, you lost some chances for character development when fighting w/ the enraptured, and living, narrator. It might behoove later promos to let the narration be less perpendicular w/ progressive events, and instead, view from a more invisible parallel. That's to say employ more straight on thought and figh less w/ your narration. That's not to say it didn't help establish Red's voice nor her style - because it totally did - but we, readers (including judges) might get stuck during these cognitive breaks.

    I found myself wondering about family and Thor at the end. Success in this style hunges on how 4th scraps continue the narrative flow, as well as your goal as the shoot artist. Admittedly, I'm no authority on shooting either. However, I think most would benefit from more integration than chaos. You can really shape a great character out of your language and flowing syntax. You certainly have the chops to offer something unique on this roster. Time will polish this more than a single critique, of course, yet I beleive this conflict of interest in your promos will be the bridge between recent success and high-rise stardom. Shore how Red and this Austin shape scenes. Give creedance to why this makes Red a badass - an I'm sure we'll all be 100% aboard.

    You are on the right path with such a strong voice. Take those to heart as you like b/c no one controls the conduit of the creator. I look forward to what you can harness from future promos. And if you'd like further notes - always feel free to message back!


- U's [dude]

Would like to state that I think from part one this is a definite improvement in all categories. Stronger voice, better shoot, more sense of character, and I think a general better pacing.

I liked the humor of making the narrator an active voice and then arguing with it, nice amusing spot. Wasn't quite cohesive with the shoot, but showed some branching out on your part, which is nice and really will help you find and develop your voice in the long run. Its a fun use of the written medium and I think opens up potential mechanics to play around with in the future, and as someone who use to experiment with RP structure and concepts a lot, I'm always down for seeing more.

Like I said earlier, think the shoot was an improvement, utilized information more effectively and brought up something about yourself that was to your advantage. I would still work on finding what will really pull your character away from the pack, because while talking about victories works well enough, I think your character could find a stronger motivation, something of a drive that really drives the idea you want to express with them that will help create thesis statements in your shoots that would make them more lively or interesting.

If you keep up with the improvements, I think you will definitely become a strong part of the UCI roster.