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Post by Jack "The Crack" Schlongson on Aug 26, 2017 22:54:06 GMT -6
Okay, not a perfect landing, but hell, glad I got something down.
What did y'all think?
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Post by M.A.X on Aug 27, 2017 1:27:02 GMT -6
Okay, you know what? Go fuck yourself! You don't get to post something like that and then say "not a perfect landing"!
All kidding aside, you know i am a huge fan of all your writing, and while this wasn't as emotional as some of your other works, you did get me to feel for Peter, and you also got a few good laughs out of me.
If there were any negatives it would be the shoot, while i couldn't find anything "wrong" with it, and it did have a couple nice metaphors, but at that post i was pretty much just reading, not really FEELING, do with that information what you wish.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2017 22:38:03 GMT -6
How do I begin on this tapestry, oh yeah, with this: "Just stagnate, and stagnate, and stagnate." That good soul, is ol Billy Shakespeare and it was beautifully enacted and modernized. loved that line. Okay, now for the review:
Layer one is a strong voice and a likeable one too. Anyone unsure of 1st person should use this as an example; however, we always look for more erasures too. I think that's the part I like best of dialogue is its innate way of discovering--what we see in the best talkers for sure.
OF course, everything has a undercarriage that goes unseen. For me I'd like to see less overreation and more "mehs" and "humphs" to get the full palette smear. Getting in someone's head is a fun pursuit and you do it great. For me, and probably just me, seeing more dynamic range is the grail of all 1st person.
The second power of Jack is his unabashed sexuality, which I super dig. My last great guy was too. He runs into the dark side and seems trapped. I'd like to even deeper into that. Soemtimes, he seems willing to become Alex Delarge in the fac eof problems. I'd say find more places to lampoon, or, tone him down from gold to goldenrod sometimes. Did I mention how much I like the dialogue - oh yeah, my bad....
Anyways, the more matches you get and the more selfies he posts on Twitter, I bet you'll refill his fancy-ass shoes like no one else. I hope that's a point in a good direction. For I'm just a conceited writer trying build a house with your tools. GL tomorrow night!
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Post by Jack "The Crack" Schlongson on Aug 27, 2017 23:34:28 GMT -6
How do I begin on this tapestry, oh yeah, with this: "Just stagnate, and stagnate, and stagnate." That good soul, is ol Billy Shakespeare and it was beautifully enacted and modernized. loved that line. Okay, now for the review: Layer one is a strong voice and a likeable one too. Anyone unsure of 1st person should use this as an example; however, we always look for more erasures too. I think that's the part I like best of dialogue is its innate way of discovering--what we see in the best talkers for sure. OF course, everything has a undercarriage that goes unseen. For me I'd like to see less overreation and more "mehs" and "humphs" to get the full palette smear. Getting in someone's head is a fun pursuit and you do it great. For me, and probably just me, seeing more dynamic range is the grail of all 1st person. The second power of Jack is his unabashed sexuality, which I super dig. My last great guy was too. He runs into the dark side and seems trapped. I'd like to even deeper into that. Soemtimes, he seems willing to become Alex Delarge in the fac eof problems. I'd say find more places to lampoon, or, tone him down from gold to goldenrod sometimes. Did I mention how much I like the dialogue - oh yeah, my bad.... Anyways, the more matches you get and the more selfies he posts on Twitter, I bet you'll refill his fancy-ass shoes like no one else. I hope that's a point in a good direction. For I'm just a conceited writer trying build a house with your tools. GL tomorrow night! I appreciate the feedback a great deal. Means a lot to me to hear an in depth opinion on my writing, and you offered up a lot of great points and flattering compliments. Hopefully I can implement them properly as I get back into the swing of my work here in UCI. |
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