"To Be a Guardian..." Feedback

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RP: To Be a Guardian


Handler: L. Verez



Wordcount: 4,471

Paragraphs: 175

Reading level: 11-12th grade

reading time: 16 mins


Overview thoughts: A good cross roads section on L’s feelings towards wanting to be a guardian and the result of Beachkrew in UCI.




RP Breakdown

Scene description: 4

Character Development: 5

Shoot: 2

Flow: 4


Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5




Critical Review:


We have a fair bit of things going on. We have L and her quest for gold and coming off her RS title loss. We have L trying to come to terms with Bonnie’s choice for BK over Guardians and the unknown of Richards retrurning and where he fits into all this. On top of that we have the match at hand. Overall, there is nothing wrong with this piece. You have decent scene set up, more than enough character development and the flow is good. The pacing is OK, I enjoy the quirky narration that gives the promo a unique feel to it without completely overdoing it. It is hard to be critical on a solid piece of work like this because there are no glaring flaws. You give insight into last weeks match, this weeks match, motovations and even side quests with the guardians. There is good interactions all around with comedic moments that help move the piece along. You even had some tension with Bonnie at the beginning that really puts L at odds with potential direction. My only complaint is that you had a paragraph of shoot just stuck in the middle and the rest was all development.

stylistically, cool.

realistically, not so cool.

At the end of the week L’s main concern should be a victory. That is part of what Efedding is. Her character motocations may place a higher concern on the guardians but that week to week WIN should always be there in some form. You putting a paragraph in smack in the middle hurts a lot.


You gave your opponent just under 500 words compared to a near 5000 word promo.

that’s 10% of the promo.

I have a problem with that because 90% of the piece has nothing to do with anything regarding the current week. I didn’t even get the sense of you trying to incorp. Anything together, even though the piece flows rather well, the shoot and everything else felt disjointed. If everything mixed together and deating Karlie was tied into the guardians stuff, it’s A + work.

This is still really good work but I’m a stickler for match content.

All of that aside, the shoot, the match related content needs work. You have the same issue Karlie has You have great everything but shoot and that could hold you back from taking L to a better position.

You have a great character, voice and style. Same as Karlie but that shoot is just lacking so much that consistent victory maybe difficult IMO ( I don’t judge promos )

With shoot, You have a good base for face style shoot but you can still dig into the opponent and convince the reader that L is going to win. From what I’ve read of Karlie this is a close match and realistically if you both improved on shoot quality, it would still be a close match but you have to get there first.

in shoot a heel can talk about utter destruction of a face and kicking your ass and breaking your bones but the face kinda goes the “I’ll overcome” angle, which is cool but you can still tell Karlie that you’re going to whoop her down and move on because if you want in the guardians, you need to show that you can handle tough competition and the like.

At the end of the day, the shoot needs to be there. You have to bring it to your opponent if you want your angles to move forward or you’ll get stuck like Karlie is stuck trying to reposition after losses.


Suggestions:


-Work on shoot and match content.

- give more balance to match content and CD

- keep working on your voice and continue to give your RPS a unique feel.