Dark Side of the Moon

Author's Note: Hold up a second. While we appreciate your readership, this here work of fiction is the third piece of a continuous story. If you have not yet read "Guardians, Assemble!" by Bonnie Blue, and "Up, Up and Away" by The Polar Phantasm , turn around, and go do that. Seriously; you wouldn't want to watch Return of the Jedi without having seen Star Wars and Empire first, right? Don't worry, I'll wait. ... Oh, you're back. Or you ignored my advice. Well, hopefully you're all caught up on the Guardians' story so far. Otherwise you might be a little confused as to just what the hell is going on in the following RP. Who am I kidding? This is a Jay Omega promo; even I don't know what the hell is going on half the time. All right, that's enough rambling from me. Read on, and enjoy.


*Well hello there, New Believers! Get a load of these snazzy new molecules, eh? There's just something about subatomic particles coming together in a fresh alignment that I find kind of arou-- Right! My bad; been a little while. We start off with a familiar fade in from a blank black screen, which is replaced with another black screen. Except this one isn't blank; there's a series of dimly glowing, pale blue lights in a grid pattern that covers all of the visible space; the floor, the one wall we can see, and the ceiling. The sound of soft-soled shoes approaching comes from the right of the scene, and a moment later we are delighted to have the mid-ground taken up by one James Owen Megaron, A.K.A., The Omega Man, A.K.A., Jay kriffing Omega. At least, I'm delighted; don't know about you. Now, since some of y'all might not be familiar with this scarred-yet-sexy sumbitch, I'll do you the courtesy of spelling it out.*

*His black cargo pants seem to be only a very dark grey in contrast to the black wall behind him, which makes the white of his muscle shirt all the brighter, though we can only see a hand-wide strip of it under the green plaid, flannel vest he wears, even in the depths of summer. As he isn't competing at the moment, his hands and wrists are free of tape, and his right arm is sans elbow pad, which affords us a view of the often hidden tattoo on his inner forearm; a red and white yin yang, representing his Canadian heritage. A half baked half grin tugs up the corner of his mustachioed upper lip, and he takes a moment to stroke at the scruff covering his jawline with his left hand. His brilliant blue eyes shine with an electric intensity, and his grin deepens until it stretches from ear to ear.*

Jay Omega: What up, You See Eye? Y'all as excited as I am? I know I can't wait to work my way through the ranks of this super stacked roster, and claim my place as the first You See Eye World Champion. Of course, I know it's not going to be as easy as I make it sound, or as easy as I'm going to make it look. But that's fine with me, because a good fight is like a dick; it's no fun if it ain't hard. Which leads me to the disappointment that is my first match. Don't get me wrong, I'm honoured to be in the first main event; it's where I belong after all. But what sticks in my craw is the fact that I've been placed in a Fatal Fourway, and Ted Sol is the only one of these chumpstains who even registers on my radar, and that's only because he's twice as entertaining as these other two combined. He still pales in comparison to me, though. After all, I'm not known as the Emperor of Entertainment for nothing. And on that note, I've put together a little demonstration to that effect. Hey, Eye-Seven; run program "Sunset One".

*The background behind Omega shimmers, then comes to life; the holographic display giving us an interior view of a gloomy castle. Jay's attire has also changed, leaving him dressed in a flowing golden robe, with an outline of flames around his head and hands. From unseen speakers, the tune of "Be Our Guest" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast begins to play, and Omega steps forward into a golden spotlight to address us; a golden trilby appearing in his left hand as he does so, and a matching cane appearing in his right.*

Jay Omega: My dear You See Eye; it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that I welcome you tonight. And now, I invite you to relax; why not pull up a chair as the Guardians proudly present... Your winner!

*Jay bends low with a sweeping bow, and places the trilby on his head at a jaunty angle as he straightens.*

Jay Omega:
Be... My... Guest
Be my guest
Put my skill set to the test
You just step into the ring, Teddy
And I'll provide the rest

Shadowlove? Updegraff?
Both of them just make me laugh
Think they'll beat me? They can't do it
Don't believe me? Well I'll prove it!

*Omega spins the cane in small circles as he struts back and forth across the screen, repeatedly doffing his cap in time with the high kicks he throws out at each step.*

Jay Omega:
I'll beat them
And you, Ted
Then to the finals I will head
'Cause Jay Omega won't be second best
Come on and step to me
I'll pin you, one, two, three

Be my guest
Si, my guest
Be my guest

Come on, Ted
What you got?
Tear the house down with some spots
I'll prepare
And aim with care
My own set of hard-hitting shots

Do not take
To the air
Because I will meet you there
I will keep you on the canvas
You would almost think I planned this.

*The backdrop changes to depict two dozen synchronized swimmers engaging in a routine timed to the music, while Omega starts doing the Charleston - a dance move that's not only anachronistic to the time period, but also just doesn't go with the music.*

Jay Omega:
With some throws
And some kicks
I'll beat all three of you pricks
No, not one of you could beat me, you can bet

Teddy, I'll kick your ass
To the next round I'll pass
So take my test
Don't be stressed; do some yoga, I suggest

Take my test!
Take my test!
Take my test!

*The spotlight overhead switches to a gloomy blue as the tone of the music shifts. With his trilby pulled down over one eye, Jay stands upright with a mournful expression on his face.*

Jay Omega:
This is the beginning
Of a tournament worth winning
I can't help but want the belt that this is for
Ah, to be You See Eye's first World Champion
First this match, then just a couple more

Bad news for you, Teddy
And I do hope that you're ready
Because I will not go easy on you dude
If you don't think that I'll win this match, well

Sorry, Mister Sunshine
But you aren't winning this time!

*The spotlight reclaims its golden shine, and the simulated backdrop suddenly becomes a bustling kitchen scene.*


*In emphasis, a jagged bolt of lightning splits the tiny patch of sky visible through a projected window in the background.*


*Suddenly we're back in the castle's main hall, and a line of long-legged ladies stretches out to either side of Omega. The chorus line begins to do the Can-Can, which still looks somewhat ridiculous, though better than the Charleston.*

Jay Omega:
Take my test
Take my test
Sunday night you will confess
It is clear I'm the best here, and I will dominate the rest

Teddy Sol
Sorry friend
But for you, this is the end
While I know you want to win, you
Understand I'm going to pin you,

*The chorus line evaporates, leaving Jay doing the Can-Can by himself, if only for a moment.*

Jay Omega:
Chest to chest
One, two, three
And then you
Will taste defeat
Then we'll see who Jay Omega's fighting next
Now things are gonna heat up
And you will get beat up

Take my test!
Take my test!
Take my test!
Please, take my test!

*Omega makes another sweeping bow as the song comes to a close. He withdraws a kerchief from within his vest, and wipes some sweat off his face before he stuffs the hanky back in his pocket. Behind him, the background shimmers, then fades back to the almost bare black walls seen previously.*

Jay Omega: Well that was fun. But now that I've covered the most dangerous threat out of my three opponents, I would also like to address Wentworth Updegraff, Junior. Of the Connecticut Updegraffs, I assume? Well, that's already a point against you, Wendy; I'm not too fond of anyone who shares your family name. Call it a throwback to my childhood. Regardless, I imagine you're likely to be insulted when you realize that I'm not taking you seriously, which is great, because that's how you're meant to take it. Look at us; on the same wavelength already! Anyways, eat a dick, Wendy. Eye-Seven, run program "Bitchy Rich".

*The scenery shimmers, pixellates, then reorganizes to become a quiet forest in mid-afternoon. From those same unseen speakers comes the tune of "Colors of the Wind" from Disney's Pocahontas. Jay's garb changes as well, becoming buckskin pants and vest, with soft moccasins.*

Jay Omega:
You might think I'm just a midcarder
I haven't won any matches
I guess it must be true

But still I cannot see
If the midcard one is me
How can there be so much that you can't do?
You can't do...

*Omega holds the last note for a few seconds as he moves away from the thick tree trunk he was leaning against, and goes to stand on a rocky outcrop; holding a tree branch as though planting a flag.*

Jay Omega:
You think you rule whatever ring you work in
A belt is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know that the ropes, and posts, and canvas
All have life, all have spirits, all have names.

*The shot pulls back, showing that the outcrop overlooks a disused wrestling ring. With a swift shimmer, we find ourselves within said ring. Jay twirls in a single rotation before he drops to one knee and points out the various pieces of the ring as he sings them.*

Jay Omega:
You think that you're the best man in the business
That no one else here can compete with you
But once you step into that ring this Sunday
You'll learn things you never knew you couldn't do.

* Omega looks up at a pedestal that appears from nowhere, supporting a holographic representation of Wentworth. With a snap of his fingers, the image is attacked and swarmed by holographic bear cubs. We're treated to a close up of Jay's face as he takes on the next part, interspersed with shots of a starry night sky.*

Jay Omega:
Do you think that Jay Omega is a pushover
Because I sometimes like to dance and sing?
Dear Wentworth I'll disabuse you of that notion
You can't beat this motherfucker in the ring
You can't beat this motherfucker in the ring.

*Omega is suddenly somehow back up on the rocky outcrop, seemingly drawn from watercolours. He leaps down from the outcrop, the wind defying the laws of physics by slowing his descent, and turning it into forward momentum as Jay hits the ground running. Then he runs right over a cliff, the rushing river flowing along beside him turning into a cascading waterfall. In further defiance of logic, rather than land in the water, Omega lands once more on solid ground, and sprints off through the forest, keeping pace with a pair of deer.*

Jay Omega:
Come step between the ropes into the spotlights
We'll entertain the masses of the Earth
Or, at the very least, I'm certain I will
When I kick your prissy ass, poor Wentworth.

*Jay bursts from the forest, and cartwheels down a grassy hill covered in flowers, rolling to a stop at the bottom. With a grin and one more roll toward us, we suddenly find ourselves underwater, with Jay swimming toward the surface like a little mermaid.*

Jay Omega:
I will crush you and all the others
And be World Champ when this tournament ends
'Cause I possess a grand determination
And a will that never breaks, or even bends.

*We cut to a closeup of an avian eye. As the shot pulls out, we find a peregrine falcon resting on Omega's arm, which he launches into the sky after only a moment.*

Jay Omega:
Now there's something that you should know
You'll find out for sure, when we end the show
For you'll see that Jay Omega is no pushover
I'll be the last one laughing when I win
Yes I will be You See Eye's first World Champion
And you can't beat this motherfucker in the ring.

*Jay kneels down and collects a double handful of dirt, and lets it slowly trickle through his fingers as he rises.*

Jay Omega:
You could talk all the shit there was
But it's all just talk because
You can't beat this motherfucker in the ring.

*Once more does Omega bow before us as the music fades out. And again, the background shimmers, then reverts to the matte black wall and glowing strips of light. When Jay straightens up, his face is slightly flushed, but the merry twinkle in his eye, combined with the way the corners of his mouth continue to twitch indicate that he's enjoying himself immensely.*

Jay Omega: Ah, good times. Now, that only leaves us with Shadowlove, the so-called Handsome Half-Breed. First off, I'd like to say that, originally, I was going to give you a song from Pocahontas, 'Love. Then I figured that might come off as being racist, which wasn't the intent. So I changed it up to something from Mulan, but had to scrap that as well; didn't want your little lady to think I was taking a jab at her. Although, speaking of Miss Miyamoto, I can't help but wonder if she is who I think she is. I mean, probably not, but "Miyamoto" isn't exactly the "Smith" of Japanese names, ya feel me? My pal Ajira Miyamoto and I haven't seen his little sister in about eight years now, but your little lady does strike me as awfully familiar. I'm not saying your valet is my buddy's sister Emiko; even See Threepio can't calculate the odds of that. But that would be a crazy fuckin' coincidence. I'll have to ask ol' Hothead to take a peek at her the next time I see him, just on the off chance. One thing that's definitely not a matter of chance, though, is my victory this Sunday night. I know y'all are gonna try and stop me, but you will fail. No, you'll do worse than fail; you'll get wrecked. Eye-Seven? Run program "Light Him Up".

*The background shimmers in a pixellated blur, then settles on the green-lit, bone-littered interior of a cave; the rocks slick with condensation. The unseen speakers begin to pipe in the sounds of "Be Prepared" from Disney's The Lion King, and Omega begins to strut toward us, plumes of green-filtered steam rising from either side in opposition to his footfalls. A wall of steam rises directly before us, creating an opaque wall which Jay strides through as he begins his song; now clad in a fur suit a deep orange in colour, with a fringe of black fur around the collar, almost giving him the appearance of a certain large, scarred feline.*


*On either side of Omega, man-sized collections of light coalesce; one into a digital representation of UCI backstage interviewer, and former resident of this here command center, Frank Patrick Venable. The other approximates the appearance of Shadowlove himself. Jay slowly circles around the image of Shadowlove as he continues.*

Jay Omega:
I see from your cocky expression
You don't think that you should be scared
But you're in a match with Omega
And it's clear to me you aren't prepared!

*Omega shoves at the hologram of Shadowlove, causing "him" to fall and land on top of a geyser, which then erupts with perfectly programmed timing. Meanwhile, Jay leaps up onto a stone ledge to continue his one man show.*

Jay Omega:
So prepare for the fight of a lifetime
I will leave you battered and bruised
'Cause the last man standin'
Will be the World Champion
I'm gonna defeat ya
Oh man will I beat ya

*Omega climbs higher up the cave's interior wall, coming to the top of a rocky spire, where the steaming digital form of Shadowlove has landed.*

Jay Omega:
I'll make you all sorry
'Cause you can't ignore me
When at last I am holding the belt
I'll beat you 'til I earn respect
Come get wrecked!

*As the image of Shadowlove climbs to its feet, Jay kicks at it, sending the hologram spiraling down into a pile of bones on the cavern floor. Meanwhile, the holographic FPV chimes in, though he uses Iceberg-7's synthesized voice. Holo-Frank...berg...? Ooh, Frankberg-7, yeah, there we go.*


*Frankberg-7 puts on a simplistic, confused expression.*


*Omega draws Frankberg-7 in close with an arm around his shoulders.*


*Jay releases Frankberg-7, who then proceeds to caper in a small circle.*


*Frankberg-7 stops, and looks at Omega in confusion again.*


*Jay stands tall, his arms thrown wide overhead, and a megalomaniacal grin on his face.*


*We cut to a shot of Omega standing regally on a stone spire, overlooking an army of faceless troops marching by. An expectant and eager expression gives Jay an almost sinister look in this lighting.*

Jay Omega:
Shadowlove will soon be defeated
By a man who tries to do what's right
Of course, quid pro quo, you're expected
To put up one hell of a fight

My future is littered with prizes
But there's something that you cannot see
Shadowlove, what I must emphasize is
That you truly ain't shit next to me!

*Omega leaps down from the spire as the camera zooms in on his face, giving us a clear view of the wild look in his eye. The ground begins to rumble, and even cracks open in some places. The eerie green light changes hue, becoming a hellish orange-red. The cracks in the floor becomes crevices, and bits of the stone structure begin to collapse. As some chunks of rock fall, pressure from below pushes others upward. Jay alights on one such butte, as it begins to elevate him above all the holograms - who are now dancing instead of marching.*

Jay Omega:
So prepare for the match of your lifetime
You'll get merked by The Omega Man
And I'll just be grinning
When I'm finished winning
My erratic style
Is simply why I'll

Be champ undisputed
Respected, saluted
And seen for the wonder I am!

*Omega's stone elevator comes to a stop, leaving him standing atop a jagged stone peak, against a crescent moon and star-filled sky for a backdrop.*

Jay Omega:
Oh I'll kick ass 'til I earn respect
Come get wrecked!
Yes I'll kick ass 'til I earn respect
Come get wrecked!

*The music fades out, and all the holographic imagery shimmers, pixellates, then fades away. Jay bends forward at the waist, and places his hands on his knees for a moment while he catches his breath. When he stands up, a wide smile creases his face. Omega glances around consideringly, then turns his attention back toward us.*

Jay Omega: That's actually more of a workout than it looks like. Lot of fun, though. I think I'm gonna shoot all my promotional videos in here; it'll save me a literal fortune in post-production costs. Well, Teddy, Wendy, Shads... I hope y'all enjoyed watching this as much as I enjoyed making it. And if not... well I don't really care one way or the other. Just making conversation, really. I had a blast making this video, and I'm gonna have just as much fun Sunday night, when the four of us step into the ring. Whether or not you guys enjoy what happens after that, all depends on where you fall on the sliding scale of masochists. If y'all enjoy pain, then you're gonna love what goes down. If you happen to have an aversion to jangled nerve endings, I don't know what to tell you. Quit while you're ahead, I guess? No wait, don't do that. 'Cause then I wouldn't be able to whoop y'all. I dunno; just deal with it, I guess. Well, I believe that concludes our business for today, and I'm still in the middle of moving into my new digs, so I think this is as good a place as any to call it a wrap. See ya in the ring, boys.

*Jay smirks at the camera, gives a quick wave, then turns to his left - our right - and walks off screen. A moment later, the scene fades to black.*


~It was a sight that could take one's breath away. A view that would render most people speechless. "Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the... copyright infringement lawsuit..." With a chuckle, Jay Omega leaned forward in the cockpit of Nikola Tesla's latest creation; a badass hovercycle slash fucking spaceship holy shit. Jay felt giddy as he looked out the viewscreen to see the Earth dwindling behind. Below? They were heading away certainly, but at which point would they no longer be going up? It was a philosophical question for another time; what Omega knew for sure was that he and his friends could now let slip the surly bonds of Earth. Awe swelled in his chest as the cerulean view before him deepened further and further, becoming an inky blackness speckled with little pinpricks of light. Pinpricks which became brighter the further out the Guardians traveled.

  "This view is the second most beautiful thing I've seen with my own eyes." Declared the Polar Phantasm, strategic mind behind the Guardians. The wonder in his voice made it plain he was just as thrilled as Jay to be up among the stars. "Only the second most?" Omega inquired, "What's number one?" A touch of pride mingled with the wonder in Polar's voice when his response came. "Seeing Crystal holding Jeffy for the first time." Jay nodded in understanding. "Word." Was all he could think to say. "What about you, Bonnie? You're being awfully quiet; this view got you star struck?" In spite of herself, Bonnie Blue chuckled at Omega's lame pun. "Did y'all forget I grew up on a space station?" She reminded him, "Sure, this is pretty an' all, but it ain't nothing compared to the Pertwee Nebula." Having never seen the Pertwee Nebula, Jay would have to take her word for it.

  So caught up was he, that Omega barely registered that he was swiftly losing speed. He did eventually look down at the display panels on either side of his seat; touchscreens mounted beside the control sticks. It was all very visible and aesthetically pleasing, but this was the first time Jay was piloting the craft, and as such had no idea what most of the readouts meant. In retrospect, perhaps they should have taken a few moments to familiarize themselves with more than just the navigational controls. Luckily they had a mad scientist on speed dial. "Yo, Nicky," Omega said into his headset, "Pretty sure I'm still good on whatever crazy science juice you got powering this thing, but it ain't moving. What gives?" A small square window popped up on a previously blank display screen, showing the impeccably dressed Nikola Tesla with a sour twist to his lips.

  A moment later, two more squares popped up with Bonnie and Polar's faces. "Video chat, too? This beauty's got all the bells and whistles I could ever want in a spaceship." The Phantasm remarked, "Except, y'know, a hyperdrive, or something. Does it have a hyperdrive? Can we jump to light speed?" Excitement shone in Polar's eyes, and was momentarily dulled when Tesla shook his head. "Not a hyperdrive, no. I'm not certain what that would even be." A fourth window popped up, showing detailed and complicated technical schematics for some manner of machinery Jay couldn't even begin to guess at. "What you see here is a miniature particle collider. You unfortunately wouldn't understand the exciting details of its construction, so I shan't dally with them."

  That was likely for the best, Omega mused, "What you need to know is that it smashes particles together in a very particular manner, then collects and discharges the resulting ions to give you forward motion in microgravity. You'll have to rely on maneuvering thrusters to steer, though." An orange light started blinking on a display panel to Jay's right, and he reached over to rest a finger on it. The window on the chat screen showing the engine schematics changed, showing something just as technical and confusing. "Of course, that would provide an unsatisfactory cruising speed, when one considers the untold vastness of the cosmos. Thus, I have created and installed spatial warp field generators." Mention of a warp field generator set visions of streaking starlines dancing in Omega's head.

  "Using a rather complicated quantum procedure which I still don't fully understand myself, these fields condense the space-time continuum at the front of your vehicles, while expanding the continuum in the rear, to provide a wider area for the ion particles to disperse." While Jay was totally lost, Polar seemed intrigued by the science, and Bonnie nodded in certain places along the explanation; having likely studied more advanced physics in her original time. "Fantastic; I'd totally recommend you for a Nobel Prize. If the damn thing worked." Nikola rolled his eyes at Omega's impatience, and blew out a heavy sigh. "The repulsor engines you've been using up to this point are only rated for in-atmosphere travel, as they require a geomagnetic field to repel. The ion drives have a failsafe built in; they cannot be activated until you are a certain distance outside the atmosphere."

  "Just outta curiosity, why's that?" Bonnie asked with an interested expression. "Because the warp field generator and the particle collider both produce enough heat in a single second of continuous use to vaporize steel instantaneously." Tesla replied matter-of-factly. Jay's eyes widened, and Polar paled slightly in response. "I get it; molecules in the air are packed close enough together that we'd cook ourselves if we tried to use 'em on the planet, but if you use the vacuum of space to vent the heat..." Bonnie trailed off as Nikola favored her with a pleased smile. "Yes, precisely! Though, I still wouldn't recommend maintaining thrust for extended periods of time; there's only so much heat that can bleed off at once." Once more, Omega marveled at the many mysterious miracles made mundane by this madman.

  "So this here blinking light is what; the start button, or something?" Jay asked, referring to the button beneath his finger. "In essence, yes. That indicator is letting you know you have reached sufficient distance to engage the intrastellar manifold and--" Omega broke in excitedly, "Did you say interstellar manifold?!?" To which Tesla shook his head, "No no. Intrastellar. Travel to another star system is completely out of the question; you'd starve long before reaching your destination." Bitter disappointment was clear on the faces of both Jay and the Phantasm. "However, you should have no difficulty exploring our own solar system, thanks to your ion drives propelling you along at a rate of roughly one point five million miles per hour." Polar's eyes goggled at the statement, and Bonnie quirked a shapely eyebrow. Omega caught sight of his reflection on the interior of his cockpit, and saw his expression mirrored Polar's.

  "Uh, I'm no mathemagician, but wouldn't that generate enough g-force to, y'know, compress us into a pasty gel?" Bonnie asked worriedly, causing Nikola to wave his hand dismissively. "Yes, yes, of course I took that into account; do I seem a simpleton to you?" A third incomprehensible image appeared in the fourth window, which Jay barely glanced at, correctly assuming he wouldn't understand it anyway. "That's why I built the High-Energy Alpha Particle phase buffer. As inertial pressure increases, the buffer emits a corona of high energy alpha radiation that activates the... oh why am I even bothering?" Tesla interrupted himself, then shook his head and concentrated for a moment as he tried to summarize in layman's terms. "The phase buffer creates a slipstream around your vessel that combines with the warp field to disperse all but a fraction of the g-force applied to your ships. It should hardly feel any different than a leisurely drive."

  "Nicky, I think I speak for all the Guardians when I say 'Holy shit, you are the greatest mad inventor slash engineer slash all around science guy a team could ask for.'" Bonnie nodded in agreement, while Polar shrugged. "I was thinking 'Squeeeee!' But that works too." In unintentional synchronicity, the Guardians activated their ion drives; the advanced machinery coming online with audible cues that rose in pitch as the systems powered up. The blinking orange light on Omega's console went solid, then changed color to green. "Race you to the moon." The Phantasm said with a wide grin. "Fuck yeah!" Jay said eagerly. "Last one there buys the drinks when we get back." Bonnie quipped, bringing simultaneous nods from Polar and Omega. "Deal." They said in unison. "Count us down from three, Nicky." Jay requested. Nikola grimaced at the nickname, but complied.

  "Three... Tw--" Tesla broke off as Polar cut in excitedly. "Wait! We need epic music for a space race! Eye-Seven, give us something appropriate, would you?" The Phantasm instructed his sentient supercomputer. In his little window, Nikola looked around himself in confusion. "Who or what is this 'Eye-Seven' to which you are referring?" The engineer asked of his patrons. "'Eye-Seven' is an affectionate abbreviation of 'Iceberg-Seven', the designation given to this unit; it is meant to convey friendship." Replied the computer in question, then introduced itself, "Iceberg-Seven is a sentient digital consciousness, created by users Polar Phantasm and Johnny Reb, and housed in the mainframes of Project: Antarctica." Tesla's eyes bulged, and his jaw hung open. After a moment he was able to collect himself enough to spare an accusing glare for each of the Guardians in turn.

  "There is a living artificial intelligence here, and none of you thought to impart this knowledge to me?" Nobody really knew how to respond to Nikola's displeasure with them. "Well, you were already there when we showed up; I guess I figured you already knew about him." Polar offered in explanation. "I most certainly did not! And you, you confounded glacial machine, if you've been here observing me this whole time why did you not respond when I was inquiring as to whether or not there was anyone here when I first arrived?!?" Tesla asked angrily. There was a short pause before I-7 replied. "Nikola Tesla was not an authorized user at the time. Welcome, user Nikola Tesla." The explanation seemed to mollify the engineer slightly. "Hmph. Yes, well, I suppose that is sufficient reason. I'm still less than pleased by this turn of events, though."

  "Glad that's been settled then. We gonna race now, or what?" Omega asked, bringing the conversation back to the topic at hand. "Eye-Seven, get the tunes ready. Nicky? Count us down again." Anticipation swelled in Jay's chest, and he wiped suddenly sweaty palms on his pant legs before he gripped the control sticks again. The Guardians brought themselves into what they estimated to be a straight line, and eagerly awaited the start of their impromptu race. "Three..." Omega's hand hovered above the throttle lever. "Two..." Bonnie's fingers danced above the Ranchero's gearshift, and she revved the engine. "One..." Polar's hands tightened on the controls, tensely awaiting the race's commencement. "Go!" The word had scarcely left Nikola's throat when all three Guardians accelerated hard. As they did, appropriate space race music began to blare over the internal speakers.


  "Ha! Perfect choice, Eye-Seven." Declared the Phantasm, pushing his A.R.C.T.I.C. vehicle's accelerator to the limit. Omega and Bonnie followed suit, all three vehicles ensconced in - and trailing - a flair of translucent purple energy, which almost looked like flame. In the beginning the trio was evenly matched, but as the seconds stretched into minutes, and the Corneria Theme came to a close, it became more and more apparent that there was a slight difference in the top speeds of the three spacecraft. Ever so slowly, Bonnie began to fall behind, then Polar began to pull ahead little by little. By the time the "race" reached the five minute mark, Jay had to turn his head and look back to see the Ranchero, while the fiery corona coming off the A.R.C.T.I.C. distorted the rear end of the vehicle in Omega's view. He glanced about the control panels on either side of him, looking for some way to increase velocity. His search appeared to be in vain, though.

  "Hey Nicky, how do I shift into Warp Two, or whatever? Nitro boost, or something?" Having closed his video window after starting the race, Tesla's face popped back into view on the display. "My apologies, but once you've reached your maximum thrust, there's no way to further increase your speed." Jay frowned in disappointment. "Well that sucks." He said petulantly, "What's the point in racing, then?" Nikola shrugged helplessly in response. "I did say that each had slight advantages over the others, did I not? Master Bankston's vehicle is clearly superior in terms of flat-out speed. However, Master James, you'll find that your craft is far more maneuverable in atmosphere than the others." Bonnie raised an eyebrow as she turned to look down at the screen. "And what about me?" She inquired curiously, "Other than the whole time travel bit, what makes my ride better'n theirs?"

  Tesla smiled a wicked grin, looking every bit the mad scientist. "Why, the larger frame of the Ranchero afforded me more room to work within. I contemplated several different configurations, some of which would have made you as agile as a hummingbird, some which would have made you the fastest of the three by quite a large margin." The fact that he hadn't chosen any of those configurations lead Jay to believe the man had done something even he would call over the top. And knowing what he did about Nikola Tesla... "Instead, I packed in as much armor plating and weaponry as was possible. I daresay, you could survive a top speed collision with an asteroid, and barely knick the paint. On top of that, you are carrying enough weaponry to level the entirety of Atlantic City, and oh how I wish you would. If I were to choose a delightfully colorful modern term to describe you now, Miss Blue, I believe it would be 'Lightning Bruiser'." Yeah, that definitely qualified as over the top.

  "Shucks, you know just what to get a girl, don't ya, Mister Tesla?" Bonnie said, only half jokingly. The Phantasm nodded in approval. "Yeah, bitches love cannons." He said, drawing Bonnie's ire. "'Scuse me, Cam? You wanna maybe rephrase that?" She said tartly. "Uh, yes ma'am, I most certainly do," Polar replied fervently, "What I meant to say was, uh, that typically, ladies of class enjoy armaments of the over-sized variety." Bonnie smiled to show there were no hard feelings. "Apology accepted. Well, looks like drinks are on me when we get back." She said with a sigh. Omega snorted at her statement. "Right, because the two rich motherfuckers are gonna make you pay for shit. Save your money, kid; between Cam and I, you'll never have to spend another dime." He meant it, too. He had more monetary wealth than he could spend in a dozen lifetimes, so why not treat his teammates?

  Soon enough, the Guardians reached the moon, though they lacked the ability to get out and explore the surface. Which was a shame, since Jay wanted to replace the flag planted by Neil Armstrong with a Guardians banner, though he didn't exactly have one with him anyway. The group decelerated hard and fast; the H.E.A.P. coronas discharging in a trio of brilliant flares in front of them to provide the necessary reverse thrust. They crawled along at a fraction of the speeds they were capable of reaching, though still faster than the speed of sound. The novelty of being on the moon soon wore off, as it was nothing but dusty grey rock in every direction. "I never thought I'd say this, but being on the moon is kind of boring." Both Polar and Bonnie murmured their agreement, and the team made preparations to return home. Rather than wasting fuel by turning around, it was far more efficient to slingshot around the natural satellite to gain momentum for the return trip.

  The group rounded the moon's equator equivalent and crossed over to the misleadingly named "dark" side. With the Sun shining fiercely in the distance, this hemisphere was actually brighter at the moment. Flashing by the upper lip of a massive impact crater, they began to pick up speed when Omega noticed the tiniest of metallic glints at the bottom of the crater. "Whoa, hold up guys, I think I just saw something." This could potentially be mankind's greatest archaeological discovery in centuries, if not in all of history. He felt a little like Indiana Jones as he angled his ship in the direction he had seen the glimmer. "You sure? I don't see anything down there but the same dust and rocks there were on the other side." There! The glimmer came again, and Jay redirected to make a beeline for whatever it was, as excited as he had been when they'd first broken out of the atmosphere.

  As he drew closer, what he had assumed to be a small piece of extraterrestrial metal turned out to be much larger. Almost completely buried in dust, Omega could make out an elongated shape at the base of the crater. Intrigued, he flew closer, until the metal glinted again. No, not glinted; he realized it wasn't reflecting light; it was producing it. Whatever alien machinery it was, it was still active. Jay suddenly questioned the wisdom of approaching an unknown alien artifact, and tried to turn back. It was at that moment that a red warning icon appeared on his head's up display, and the ion drive made an odd chuffing sound, then whined in steadily decreasing pitch as it powered down. "What the fuck? Yo, Nicky, I got a pair of dead sticks up here, and could use an explanation." Consternation spread quickly across Nikola's features as he examined several readouts on his end. "I don't understand," He muttered in confusion.

  "It seems as if something is draining the ions before they can be ejected. Curious." Not exactly the phrasing Omega would use, but in his defense, Tesla wasn't the one floating dead in space. "Hang in there, 'Megs; we'll come get ya." Polar turned and accelerated in his direction with Bonnie trailing behind. "Yeah, I don't think that's such a great idea, guys. Whatever's wrong, it happened after I got close to this thing; you might want to keep your distance." On the chat display, Bonnie shook her head emphatically. "Unh-uh, we ain't leavin' you out here. All fer one an' one fer all, an' all that." Further protests went unheeded, and the pair drew ever closer to his slowly listing craft. When they came within a few hundred feet of him, the metallic panel flared again, and he watched the glowing lights around his teammates' thrusters go out.

  Jay simply sighed, and looked at his friends plaintively. "I mean, I don't want to say 'I told you so', but I totally did." Omega shrugged helplessly at his companions, their grand mission as defenders of this realm over before it had even really started. "Nice knowing you guys. Starving is gonna suck, but dying's not so bad. The afterlife has some fuckin' crazy parties to check--" Jay cut off as the surface of the moon below began to quiver and quake. The crenelated mound near the exposed piece of metal shivered, and dislodged a good portion of dust, revealing more gleaming metal underneath; a metal that shone bright enough to make chrome seem dull and matte. More mounds began to shiver, and Omega stared in slack-jawed amazement - as did Bonnie and Polar - as what he had thought to be imprints left from the impact of an alien probe wriggled free from their silica blanket, revealing an enormous biomechanical creature, the likes of which Jay had never even imagined.

  Scaled, reptilian hide mingled with armor plating and running lights; a strange blend that was both terrifying and beautiful. The mammoth creature - roughly the size of a four story apartment building, Omega estimated - shook itself back and forth, dislodging a further cloud of dust. The shape of the creature reminded Jay of some sort of cybernetic snake; he was just about to make a remark to that effect, when several spires rose up from along the beast's spine. Once they all stood perpendicular to the creature's body, a slew of membranous wings unfurled all along the creatures length; dozens and dozens of fleshy sails that immediately began to billow in the solar winds. No longer resembling a snake, the alien thing looked to be half dragon, half Man o' War, and most frighteningly, all too alive and aware of their presence. To emphasize that, the creature's crested head turned in the direction of the three free floating spacecraft. "Say, Bonnie, think maybe you wanna try out some of those weapons?"

  "If'n I gotta. Don't think they'll do much good against somethin' like that, though." She replied, half awed, half fearful. "I don't know what would be useful against that," Polar chimed in, "Damn thing looks like it could take a direct hit from a nuke and just smile at you." As Cameron made his assessment, a beam of ruby red light shot out from one of the creature's many eyes, and passed over the trio of vehicles and their occupants. Passed though them. Suddenly, Omega was mentally assaulted with a slew of images that came too quickly to make out, accompanied by a series of tonal calls and whistles that he could only describe as cosmic whale song. The telepathic communication hit him with such force, it literally pushed him back in his seat, and when it finished, it left him drenched with sweat, gasping for air through clenched teeth. A quick glance showed that Bonnie and Cam hadn't fared much better.

  Again the psychic intrusion came, and through the haze Jay heard Bonnie cry out in pain and shock. "Augh! Slowly! It's too much!" The assault cut off at Bonnie's shout, then a few moments later came a far more gentle probing. The images came much slower, the tones of the calls able to convey rudimentary emotion. In his mind's eye, Omega saw a vast array of creatures similar to the one communicating with them. Though all the creatures were obviously of the same race, sharing many characteristics, each was unique in its appearance. The cosmic song reverberating in his skull inspired a sense of joy and curiosity to well within him. So it came as quite a shock when his vision was filled with the nightmarish form of an enormous spherical shell covered in jagged spines. A vertical slit of deep blackness ran the length of the horror, tapering to points at the top and bottom.

  From within that slit emanated a glow akin to the fiery pits of Hades; a glow which emanated from a sextet of eyes arranged in a circle. The creature's call evoked fear, and pain. Jay's fear rose to a crescendo as his view pulled back to show thousands upon thousands of the monstrous shelled beings; destroying interstellar civilizations, and devouring entire planets for their resources. Then there was war. Images of explosions devastating entire star systems. Thousands of partial corpses floating in the void, both shelled and winged. The cosmic song called up pain, loss, and a righteous anger. Omega couldn't quite understand the next few images he saw. Or tried to see; his brain was having difficulty grasping the conceptual images being broadcast into his mind; the creature's call was harsh, erratic, and had an undertone of electrical static. It didn't help clarify the pictures, and it didn't bring up any emotions. If anything, it made him think of a robot crying.

  On the video screen, Bonnie let out a ragged gasp and covered her mouth with one hand. A single tear trickled from the corner of her eye, and coursed swiftly down her cheek. The next image was far more comprehensible; the creature before him traveling at a dazzling speed along a psychedelic tunnel. The accompanying cosmic song carried notes of importance, and urgency. A blast of fear assailed Jay's mind as a blast of energy assailed the image of the creature, knocking it from whatever strange place it had been in. The call was one of confusion and anguish. A grey rock filled Omega's mind's eye, and a supernova of pain exploded throughout him. The cosmic song made him ache in several senses, the worst a feeling of helplessness as everything faded from view. "Oh my-- Yes, yes, of course we will," Bonnie said as the psychic intrusion receded.

  "Will what?" Polar asked, his voice still a little shaky. Bonnie's eyebrows drew together as though she didn't understand the question. "Help him," She replied, "After what he just told us, how could we not?" A headache was beginning to form along Jay's optical nerve; likely a side effect of what had just happened. "Wait, you saying you understood that?" Omega asked in surprise, and received an equally surprised look from Bonnie in return. "Y'all didn't?" Jay shook his head and shrugged at the same time, while Polar held out one hand horizontally and tilted it back and forth. "I think I caught the gist of it, but you make it sound like you understood that crazy whale song." Bonnie's confusion only deepened as she stared at her two friends and teammates in disbelief. "Y'all heard whale song? I heard English, plain as what I'm speakin' right now." The Daughter of Time stated.

  Jay shook his head, a matter of amazement not denial, as he looked at Bonnie's image. "That's incredible, kiddo. But how come you can understand... him... and we can't?" At a loss for an explanation, Bonnie simply shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe it's my unique genes." That was as good a reason as any, Omega supposed. "Okay, sure, so we'll help him," The Phantasm interjected, "How? In case you hadn't notice, we're kind of stranded on the dark side of the moon." An apologetic tone rang through Jay's skull at the remark. "He says he's sorry about that, but he needed the particles in our ion drives to restore energy to his synthetic parts. We, uh, we kinda woke him up. He's been slowly dying ever since he crashed here." Understanding crept up over Polar and Jay's faces; the creature had been buried on the moon for longer than humans had walked the Earth.

  "Okay, so he eats ions or some shit? I'm sure Nicky can whip up something to give this guy all the particles he can handle, right Nicky?" Nikola sighed, and massaged the bridge of his nose, then fixed Jay with a level stare. "I am Nikola Tesla; I do not 'whip up' anything. But in response to your assertion, yes, I most certainly could build something capable of bombarding your new friend with any type of energy I can produce. Provided you can somehow get him here, of course." Which led them back to square one; the dead engines. A note of confidence came from the alien creature, and it turned in their direction. A touch of worry crept up along Omega's spine, and the Phantasm shot a quick look at Bonnie. "Is he about to eat us?!? I mean, 'eaten by a space dragon' is an awesome way to go, but..." Bonnie smiled reassuringly. "He said he'll give us a ride home, seein' as how it's his fault we're stuck up here."

  As the creature drew closer, it's massive maw opened wide; large enough to easily swallow the three of them at once, vehicles and all. "A ride in his stomach?!? No thank you; I don't feel like being eaten today!" Polar's wide eyes echoed Jay's sentiment, as did his repeated litany of "Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit." Darkness closed around them as the creature's jaws met once more. Several points of soft orange light began to glow along the roof of the alien's mouth, intensifying in brightness over the course of a few seconds, until they provided enough illumination to see the vast cavern in which the Guardians now found themselves. After the Phantasm had collected himself enough to realize that they weren't being swallowed, he heaved a sigh of relief, causing Omega to chuckle. Though he had been just as terrified, Jay wasn't about to admit to it. "All right Bonnie, so what do we call our new friend? Surely he's got a name."

  An overly complicated series of calls and whistles reverberated throughout the chamber, and Bonnie just shook her head. "Sorry, hon, I don't think we can even pronounce that." A moments later, the creature tried again; the call was much shorter this time, though Omega still couldn't decipher it. Bonnie, on the other hand, broke out in a pleased grin. "That we can do. Guys, allow me to introduce our first off world friend; the living starship, Grimmauld." In his vehicle, Polar simply shrugged. "Hi, Mister Grimmauld, sir. Nice to meet ya, thanks for not eating us, I guess?" Grimmauld whistled in response, and Jay gave a mock salute. "Ahoy, Cap'n Grim; a pleasure to make your acquaintance." The flat tone that rang through the room put a mildly worried look on Bonnie's face, and she gave Omega a warning look of deadly seriousness.

  "Uh, Jay? He says if you call him Grim again, he's gonna spit you back out into space. Without your ship. And I don't think he's joking." Jay nodded in acquiescence; he wasn't about to test an alien sense of humor. "Duly noted. So, can we get an Ee Tee Ay on when we'll be back on Earth?" Another series of chirps, whistles, and calls bounced about in his skull. "Well I'll be... Apparently we're enterin' the atmosphere now. That was a damn sight quicker'n I thought it would be." Omega let out a low whistle of appreciation. "Damn, that's, like, ten times faster than it took us to get out to the moon in the first place!" Polar did a series of quick calculations in his head, then looked out his viewscreen at Grimmauld's interior with a newfound respect. "That's more than fifteen million miles per hour! And we didn't even feel it? That's incredible!" It most certainly was, though Jay had an inkling Grimmauld could go much faster.

  "So, Nicky," Omega said into his headset, drawing the scientist's attention, "You wanna pop open that missile silo? Grimmauld's gonna need a place to hang out while you cook up that space dragon smorgasbord." Jay gave his head a light shake of wonder, "I think that's gotta be one of the coolest things I've ever said. And I'm me; I say a lot of cool shit." Nikola rolled his eyes at Omega. "Well, you certainly say a lot. As to the missile silo, I took the liberty of opening it once Miss Blue made it clear Master Grimmauld would be returning you here." Jay gave him a quick nod and a thumb's up. "Good job, Nicky. We'll see ya in two shakes. Omega Man, out." Omega closed the video chat windows and removed his headset, then drew a deep breath which he held for the count of ten before he released it slowly. He'd be fine; he just needed a moment to process the last half hour.~

~In a hidden command center several miles away from, yet still relatively close to, the Guardians' new headquarters, a young lieutenant went running up a short flight up steel steps into a large office. "Deputy Director, sir," The lieutenant said breathlessly, presenting a clipboard bearing a full written report. "We lost track of those three unidentified crafts on the far side of the moon, but something really big just passed by two of our satellites. Estimated trajectory has it heading in our direction, sir." Behind the desk, the Deputy Director of the American Security Administration leaned forward to accept the clipboard, then dismissed the lieutenant. He scanned over the file, then reached over to the intercom sitting on his desk. "Put together a team. I think it's high time we paid our old friend Cameron a visit." The Deputy Director clicked off the intercom, repositioned his thin-framed glasses, and began a thorough perusal of the document in his hand.~

Who is this shadowy organization keeping track of the Guardians? What are their intentions regarding our intrepid heroes? Will Nikola Tesla achieve orgasm from meeting an artificial intelligence and a living alien starship in the same day?

For the answers to these questions - and more! - be sure to tune in next week, for another heaping helping of the thrilling Guardians saga!

[(c) United Championship Infinite 2016. All rights reserved.]