Want To Meet Alex? Consider Yourself Disappointed
May 21, 2016 21:59:44 GMT -6
John Gable, Spencer Adams, and 5 more like this
Post by Alex Richards on May 21, 2016 21:59:44 GMT -6
Narrator: Hello faithful viewers allow me to introduce myself. A lot of you probably know me. But for those who don't, I'm Shaun Zach Richards, the half brother of "The Archduke of Mass Confusion" Alex Richards. You probably know who he is. Or you're watching a rebroadcast at 3am because you can't sleep and it was either this or infomercials. But for those of you who do know who my brother is I'll bet you were wondering what happened to him. Why he disappeared seemingly off the face of the earth so quickly. This probably doesn't shock you at all but it's a long, strange story. So let's get started shall we... We go back to the last match Alex competed in, on November 22nd of last year. In the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia, the home of Jayson Price. We'll try not to hold that against the city. Our story picks up just following the tag team title match where we see a disappointed, enraged, and frustrated chrome domed Archduke of Mass Confusion stalking the hallways. Alex is a naturally intimidating man but even more so when he is without his usual smile. He has quickly stripped out of his ring attire and appears to be wearing some sort of suit made out of rubber. Which by the way is not a flattering look for the big man. Alex hardly appears to be a male model at the best of times. However he does have an athletic physical appearance to him. Hey, at least he looks like more of an athlete then Prince Fielder or Pablo Sandavol. Alex approaches me and..
Alex Richards: C'mon Zach.. We're going out!
SZR: Okay... Wait.. What are we doing?
Alex Richards: Well zach, I'm glad you asked. I'm pissed off over how my match just went and want.. No.. Demand revenge on the Beach Krew. We could stay here and set their office on fire.
SZR: That's a bad idea.
Alex Richards: I knew you wouldn't like that. So I came up with a back up plan... we are going to artistically seek revenge.
SZR: That sounds good. But I know you too well to think that's actually what's going to happen.
Alex Richards: Totally is. Don't you trust me?
SZR: I smell booze on your breathe.
Alex Richards: Do you ever not smell booze on my breathe? I gargle with the stuff. Screw Listorine. Alcoholic is the breathe of champions!
SZR: Because who doesn't like getting a blast of booze whenever they talk to someone.
Alex Richards; Exactly!
SZR: I was being sarcastic!
Alex Richards: No, you weren't. You were being sincere.. and right. Hey, you're actually right for a change! Be proud Zach!
SZR: Why do I hang out with you? Oh right.. to prevent you from killing yourself and others! Speaking of which.. what's your brilliant plan?
Alex Richards: Simple! I'm swearing revenge on the Beach Krew? How am I going to do that? Simple.. blight the nearest beach! That's right.. I used a big word that made me sound smart.
SZR: Yeah... obviously this is a well thought out plan.
Alex Richards: You bet it is! C'mon Zach.. let's roll!
Narrator: And with that Alex began to walk towards the door towards his Strange Rover, Alex's incredibly souped up, ridiculously impossible truck that actually runs on Zim-Quila. Don't worry, I'm sure this will be explored in greater detail down the road. I get behind the wheel as Alex begins drinking en route to our designation... at which point Alex grabs the wheel and veers the Strange Rover right into the middle of the white sand beaches of Sandy Hook pulling up near the boardwalk. Alex hops out of the Strange Rover looking like the cat who eat the canary. Wait, I can do better. The kid left alone in the candy store. Yeah, that's more the look of pure joy on Alex's face. I might have been happy too. Except for..
SZR: What the hell is that?
Narrator: My vision is drawn towards a large, rickety carousel that is clearly out of place on a beach. Especially considering the wooden, water damaged, paint peeling horses. Who am I kidding. What's really out of place is a large couch slammed down upon it. Alex seems delighted.
Alex Richards: You noticed the horsey ride eh?
SZR: Why is that there?
Alex Richards: It's my plan for revenge against the Beach Krew! This is gonna show them why you don't mess with Pantheon! Why you don't cheat us out of titles! Well actually, it's my second plan. The first one involved my buddy Steven disgracing the ocean by taking a piss in it!
SZR: Why didn't you go with that? That sounds so much less risky.. then whatever stunt you came up with instead.
Alex Richards: Because Osbourne's herpes went into remission. I had a back up plan, but then I noticed the no dumping sign. Besides who poops in water? Peeing sure, but pooping? That's just crass! Then it hit me. I had a brilliant idea!
Alex begins to whistle a tune as he goes into the strange rover and comes back carrying a can of gasoline. Which he promptly uses to dose the couch on the carousel.
Alex Richards: I'll bet you're wondering what I'm gonna do with the gas..
SZR: No, I know you're going to set this carousel on fire.
Alex Richards: That's not the best part. First, I'm gonna strap myself to the couch using this duct tape. I mean safety first right?
SZR: What part of this plan is safe?
Alex Richards: Then I set the couch on fire.
SZR: You're setting the couch on fire with you on it?
Alex Richards: Relax I'm wearing my fire retardant suit.
SZR: The only thing retarded is your plan.
Alex Richards: I think I'm offended. Everyone knows tires don't burn.
SZR: Ever hear of a tire fire?
Alex Richards: C'mon bro, how I am supposed to get you to help me with the planning and scheming if you're just gonna make stuff up?
Narrator: I shake my head. As usual Alex's idea of logic has baffled me.
Alex Richards: Since you can't help with the plan would you at least drive the truck? See, first I hook this metal chain to my truck and the other end to the carousel.. then we spin, spin until the couch goes flying off setting the boardwalk to extra toasty! Or I hurl. Either way I blight the beach!
SZR: Blight was your word in the word of the day calendar wasn't it?
Alex Richards: How'd you guess Zach? Now get behind the wheel.. we have mayhem to cause.
SZR: Not a chance! You're going to get yourself killed.
Alex Richards: Now that just can't happen. You know I've already met God and he says I'm gonna kill to 105. So you have nothing to fear.
SZR: Except for a wildfire! C'mon Alex, let's just go to the bar and you can get over your frustrations by playing drunken dart.
Narrator: I know that's dangerous. But look at the other option. C'mon.. I'm trying. Usually a game like this catches Alex's interest but unfortunately not today.
Alex Richards: Are you driving or what? I mean.. my first choice already begged off.
SZR: So Jeff Purse said no?
Alex Richards: Actually he said.. no fucking way. This is so crazy I would actually advise you to go back to Stella Mongomery. Then he shuddered. So last chance.
SZR: Sorry Alex, you're without a driver. Looks like you're out of luck.
Alex Richards: That's okay.. I'll use the autopilot.
SZR: Crap.. I was hoping you would forget about that.
Narrator: Alex opens up the front door of the Strange Rover and turns his attention to the complicated looking computer embedded in the dashboard. Alex doesn't seem to remember how to engage the autopilot. Then he screws up in face in concentration and begins to button bash like he's playing an old Nintendo game. And continues to button bash. I start to relax as nothing happens.. but alas after ten minutes he finally manages to luck into engaging the autopilot..
Alex Richards: There we go! Not only is the autopilot on I set it to Moonshine running redneck mode. This is gonna be awesome!
SZR: Unbelievable. How did you get so lucky?
Alex Richards: Luck? That was all skill! I just took so long so I could ninja drink a few shots. There is nothing in life that can't be improved by a little vitamin B.
SZR: I don't think the B in vitamin B stands for booze.
Alex Richards: That's why you're not in the same fine physical condition I am Zach! Now just a second.. I have one more thing to add..
SZR: A helmet.. a fire.. ohh..
Narrator: I dash off towards the Strange Rover in one direction getting a fire equisher. Alex dashes off in the other returning with two giant cans of bush's beans which he quickly chugs as if they were cans of beer.
Alex Richards: Ever see a fart this size get lit? No one is gonna swim on this beach for months!
SZR: Nobody is anyways. It's November.. don't do this.. this is such a bad..
Narrator: I can't finish as Alex reaches into his ever present doctor's bag and pulls out a blowtorch and lights the couch on fire, burning up the duct tape straps. Alex shrugs, and plops down on the couch tossing ease his bag as the Strange Rover guns to life spinning.. spinning.. spinning the carousel faster and faster until Alex and the burning couch flies off of it, landing on the boardwalk. The burning rubber suited Archduke is tossed off the couch which promptly crashes through a section of the boardwalk as I quickly spray down Alex who gets back to his feet smiling.
Alex Richards: That was awesome! Are you sure you don't want to go for a ride? I just proved it's safe.
SZR: Unbelievable. Do you have any idea how lucky you are!
Alex Richards: Luck? That success was achieved through proper planning!
SZR: You got drunk and came up with that on the fly on your way to the back after a wrestling match.
Alex Richards: Exactly! And it worked just as well as I could have hoped. I damaged some beach front property, and sunk a flaming, fart infested couch into the ocean! I call that a good night's work..
Narrator: Before I can shout a warning a flaming wooden horse's head comes flying off of the carousel.. apparently Alex should have planned to stop the truck.. The head drills Alex in the skull knocking him through the hole in the boardwalk and landing him directly onto the motor of a boat docked illegally to the boardwalk. Remember how I said Alex was lucky? In this case it balances out as a one in a million chance causes the motor to flare to life. Alex jumps off the motor just in time but his leg gets caught up in the rope used to dock the boat. The boat roars to life pulling Alex away into the freezing waters. I look around helplessly as the boat takes Alex out deeper.. helpless to do anything about it..
Fade to Black....
One Day Later
Shaun Zach is in the hallway of a hospital talking to an animated, excited, somewhat confused looking doctor.
Doctor: I can't explain it. He was in that water for over an hour according to you. If he was dragged under he should have drowned, at the very least he should have serious brain damage. All that time underwater his brain should have started to die. But look at him..
Narrator: I can't help but grin as I look into the hospital room where Alex is sitting up in his hospital bed drinking a glass of water looking nonplussed. I think to explain to him that probably Alex's deal with God, or whoever he met in the great beyond if you believe in that sort of thing is probably the reason for his miracle. I think to say that maybe he has a sense of humor and wanted to see what else Alex would come up with. Or maybe he hates me and wants to see me try and continue to keep Alex out of trouble for the next 70 or so years. But all of that sounds crazy. Plus I really want to see my brother. So instead I just shrug.
SZR: You don't know my brother.. he's damn near indestructible.
Narrator: I run into the room and hug my brother.. who returns the hug. I was expecting a noogie, a wet willie, or at least a hair pull.
SZR: I'm so happy you're alright!
Alex Richards: I don't know why you're so excited. It was merely a minor panic attack?
Narrator: I can't help it. I chuckle.
SZR: Yeah.. right.
Narrator: Alex looks back confused.
Alex Richards: What else could it be? I hardly live an exciting life.
SZR: For you.. well that probably isn't the most over the top thing you have ever done I'll give you that.
Alex Richards: Could this wait until the commercial. I'm really interested in this show.
SZR: This isn't going to turn out like the time you watched Rollerjam on television and created hospital rollerjam is it? I got beaten up by an orderly and we had to pay a huge damage bill.
Alex Richards: What are you jabbering on about? Besides you know I'm watching CNN.
SZR: That's a strange choice. Yeah, doesn't surprise me at all.
Alex Richards: Why is it strange? It is the responsibility of every good American citizen to be informed on the political and social landscape of this country.
SZR: That doesn't sound like you at all.. Alex.
Alex Richards: I'm not Alex.
SZR: Oh no...
Narrator: It's just then I look down at the blankets and notice the spots of red on them.
SZR: The nurse... what did you to do the nurse?
Alex Richards: It was all her fault.
SZR: Alexander... you can't do things like that! She was probably a good person, you can't hurt or kill people especially not in the hospital. Oh, this is bad.. this is really bad.
Alex Richards: I don't know what you're talking about. I also don't know who Alexander is. And it was the nurse's fault. She accidentally spilled the red jello. But why do you not know your own brother's name? I'm Allen.. I've always been Allen. I'm starting to think we're in the hospital because of you. Although I will stay until the doctors tell me I can leave. That's just sensible.
SZR: Wait a second. You didn't hurt anyone? You don't want to do anything crazy? You're listening to reason. This is great! This could really work out. Glad to meet you Allen.
Allen Richards: I'm really worried about your mental state brother.
Narrator: At first I was excited. I thought an Alex who wouldn't constantly get arrested, destroy property, get recklessly drunk, do everything else recklessly as well, and seemingly test every limit known to man would be a good thing. But then as I got to know Allen I realized the man... just was not my brother. For instance a few days after he was released from the hospital instead of his usual raid the drug store for any pills he could ransack he went home. Which is where I visited him, in a generic, furnished rental apartment. I walked in camera in hand and noticed Alex on a mat on the floor doing yoga.
SZR: Wait a second. Why are you doing yoga now?
Allen Richards: You should try it as well brother. It helps center me.
SZR: Normally centering to you would involve hitting someone with a giant circle!
Allen Richards: That makes zero sense why would I do that? No answer? No of course because it doesn't make any sense. So I'll ask a more answerable question, how do you like my new apartment?
SZR: Not bad. It's a big step up from living in your van.. or the strange rover for that matter.
Allen Richards: Two questions. What's a stranger rover? And why would anyone live in a van?
SZR: Increased freedom. You can go anywhere, at any time if you live in your transportation.
Allen Richards: Only vagrants live in their vehicle. I am not a vagrant. Which is why I signed a lease for this apartment and a lease for a new Toyota.
SZR: What's about the Strange Rover?
Allen Richards: Ohh.. are you talking about that dangerous looking truck that you drove me home from in the hospital in? Why would anyone drive something like that? Seems like a death wish to me.
SZR: It's actually quite safe. You designed it yourself with help from Nicky Tesla.
Allen Richards: You really are quite insane aren't you brother? Nikola Tesla has been dead since 1943. And if he weren't would you think I would demean a scientist genius such as him by calling him Nicky. He would probably be insulted.
Narrator: To be honest I'm starting to get bored by the new Alex already. Fortunately I remembered the key to getting the sadistic Alexander to return to his fun loving Alex state. So I go into my gift bag and pull out a work boot filled to the brim with Zim-Quila.
SZR: Here you go Alex... umm Allen. A housewarming gift just for you.
Allen Richards: You are strange brother. What am I supposed to do with that?
SZR: You drink from it.
Allen Richards: I drink from boots? You know how many germs come from used footwear?
SZR: But there's alcohol in it. That could sanitize it.
Allen Richards: Who would believe that?
SZR: You always used to say that. Fine, if I pour the Zim-Quila into a glass will you join me for a drink?
Allen Richards: What in the blue blazes is a Zim-Cola?
SZR: Zim-Quila. It's the mixture you created from Zima and Tequila. You have a patent on it. Your vehicle runs on it, you sell it in your bar and you drink it nonstop to the point where your liver cries whenever it even so much as hears those two words.
Allen Richards: Never heard of it. But if you want to join me in a drink I have plenty of vitamin water. It's all I drink, it's so healthy for you.
SZR: OH forget it. How about we simply get prepared for your wrestling match this week.
Allen Richards: You're the second person this week to mistake me for a wrestler. I don't know why anyone would want such an obviously barbaric professional. Do I look like a gladiator to you? I mean what would I do as a wrestler?
Alex reaches out with his right hand and clocks his hapless, 150 pound soaking wet brother in the throat with the Samoan spike instantly dropping him to the carpeted floor.
Allen Richards: I'm sorry are you alright? This is why I could never be a wrestler. I would just feel so bad if I hurt someone!
Allen helps Shaun up who looks a little shaken, but yet somehow disappointed.
Narrator: And for several months this is how Alex now acted. I never thought it would miss the old Alex. But then again, the wild and crazy Archduke of Mass Confusion was the only version of my brother I have ever known. But if this new version of Alex, Allen Richards, made him happy then who was I to judge? Although no longer being Alex's cameraman due to his lack of wrestling did require a career change. Fortunately I was able to get a job with Allen at his call centre. Where I heard this call.
The scene fades to Allen Richards wearing a nicely tailored suit along with a toupee that probably doesn't fool anyone. He has even grown a surprisingly well trimmed mustache. Allen appears to be talking on his headset to a customer.
Allen Richards: Hello.. this is Collect Corp., Alex speaking. I am calling in regards to an urgent business manner.
Man on the other end of the line: Fucking hell you are! You're a fucking collection fucker aren't you?
Allen Richards: There is no need to use such vulgar language Mr.. Fields.
Man: Yeah well what the fuck are you gonna do about it? Take that fucking money you say I owe you.. get it in pennies and stick the whole thing up your ass!
Narrator: The man hangs up and I look over and notice Allen on the verge of tears. Seriously?
Allen Richards: Why do people have to be so mean? I'm just trying to do my job.
SZR: Let's go out for some air brother.
Allen Richards: We can't just leave. We have responsibilities.
SZR: We'll take our coffee break.
Allen Richards: I don't drink coffee. How about a low fat skim milk latte.
Shaun makes a face.
SZR: I miss the days we used to go to those Chinese buffets.
Allen Richards: All that MSG. Besides you know I have a thyroid problem.
Narrator: We go outside for a walk with our.. awful tasting drinks and I can't resist. I need at least some sense of adventure. I turn down a slightly darkened alley. Allen follows looking worried, damnit Alex never looked worried. He also wouldn't have stood for the way that jerk just talked to him. Apparently Allen has reason to be worried as a shady man dressed in black hops out in front of us holding a weapon and screaming.
Robber: Give me your wallet and nobody gets hurt. Unless I want to hurt you. So give it to me quick or else... You know I'm crazy..
Narrator: Allen lets out a girlish scream and hands the crook his wallet. The robber takes off counting his money.
SZR: What the hell dude? You just gave him your wallet like that?
Allen Richards: He was crazy. He said it himself.
SZR: You're bigger then him! You could have taken him!
Allen Richards: I've never gotten in a fight in my whole life. Besides he had a weapon.
SZR: It was a board!
Allen Richards: Yeah.. with a nail in it! I could have required a tetanus shot if I tangled with him!
SZR: That's it! You're the guy who once went around biting the heads off of rabid bats because you wanted to see how drunken rabies is! Now look at you.. you are such... a wuss. I never thought I would do this.. but I'm calling for help... I want the real Alex back.
Allen Richards: You're really hurting my feelings. I think we should go to counseling.
SZR: I'm going to regret this.. but I'm calling... Steven Osbourne!
Narrator: I make a phone call and as proof that anytime you don't want someone they are always nearby The self proclaimed Sexual Superman Steven Osbourne shows up carrying a bottle of Zim-Quila and wearing his usual stupid attire of something pink in this case an all pink track suit.
SZR: This is the last time I'm ever calling you.
Steven Osbourne: You know there's only one reason I came right. Well two reasons actually. One, I miss my wingman. Alex totally made me look hot to all the ladies because he kind of looks like frankenstein's monster.
Allen Richards(whining): Everyone is soooooo mean to me!
Steven Osbourne: You used to be awesome! And now you're.. like this. Chicks feel sorry for you.. and probably help you pick up sweater sets. I mean.. dude.. sweater sets don't get you laid.
SZR: Why is it you disgust me even when we are on the same side?
Steven Osbourne: It's a gift man. Now I'm gonna help you because I want my buddy back! Even though if I didn't get my buddy back I could totally replace him in his first match back wrestling this week.
Allen Richards: Wrestling? Didn't we already talk about this. I'm no wrestler.
SZR: Well.. umm.. you don't make enough money working at the collection agency so I signed you up for a brand new wrestling federation, United Championship Infinite.
Allen Richards: Well I don't want to wrestle.
SZR: But if you have 2 jobs you'll be able to retire by the time you are 55 years old.
Allen Richards: That sounds sensible. I guess I can do that. But I warn you. I'm probably not going to be very good.
Steven Osbourne: That's not even the good news! You're wrestling against Erin Fausse and Bonnie Blue.
Allen Richards: That is good news.
Steven Osbourne: If I were wrestling them I would just lay down and let them both pin me because who cares about winning if you got hot chicks on top?
SZR: As usual your advice is worthless.
Steven Osbourne: Then I might hope afterwards they want to get freaky and do some ultimate surrender shit on me. Because the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer is down with the freaky shit!
Allen Richards: You have it all wrong Steven. One should never try and have a sexual relationship with their co workers.
Steven Osbourne: Then why were you happy to be facing them?
Allen Richards: First of all they are small females. I'm probably bigger than both of them combined.
SZR: And you shit bigger then them before breakfast.
Allen Richards: Don't be crude.
SZR: Someone has to. You're not very exciting.
Allen Richards: Furthermore while I might not be much of a wrestler, neither of these two. And clearly they have greater mental issues then even you do brother, or maybe even Steven does.
Steven Osbourne: I don't have mental issues. That straightjacket was a sex toy.
Allen Richards: During the time you were talking nonsense I went and did something valuable and used my cell phone to look up the UCI website and check out my opponent's bios. Both of them are absolute nutters. Erin Fausse for starters. Have you looked at her criminal record? She should be in a prison cell not a wrestling ring! I'm sure she will be a prison cell very soon because you know career criminals always relapse. I'm just proud that as an American citizen I can bring her to justice and show her that crime doesn't pay. I read that classic book crime and punishment and I can say for certain that this match will go exactly that way. Erin already did all the crimes and I will be the one to unleash the harsh punishment.
Narrator: Hmm.. I don't think even this version of Alex read Crime and Punishment.
Allen Richards: But that's not even the worst part she is using religion to try and prey on the sympathy of the crowd clearly in a lame attempt to con them out of their money. She could have at least have the decency to use a weapon like the mugger did earlier today. I mean is her plan to try and become the next Jimmy Swaggart and get people to send her phony church money? Because if so, I can't believe how shady that is! This woman completely disgusts me. She has no morals to speak of! Either that or she's crazy and truly believes God came to her in a dream. I don't know which is true. But I know this sooner or later a prison physiologist is going to examine her. And if I can take her out of wrestling that's at least crazy person I have to deal with in professional wrestling!
Steven Osbourne: I'm sort of enjoying this.
SZR: I'm not! This is so un Alex like.
Allen Richards: Then we come to Bonnie Blue who would have people believe that she is a clone of Johnny Reb? A clone.. that's ridiculous! Someone has been watching or reading too much science fiction. I mean I even heard she is sort of time traveler? How ludicrous! There is no such thing as time travel.. or clones... or evil twins... or robots or.. need I continue? Bonnie just wants to make people associate her with Johnny Reb because he was a former world champion wrestler. So by leeching off of his legacy she can give herself some fake credibility. This may be the first time I have ever wrestled but at least I'm honest about it. Both of my opponents not only lack experience but they lie about it too. That means not only do they have no skills, but they have no confidence in their lack of skills either. If I had to wrestle anyone.. it would be these two because they are both crazy, have no real skills, and basically try to fool the people. Well you gotta get up pretty early in the morning to fool Allen Richards. Because I wake up at 5, and have myself a decaf non fat latte by quarter after. Then forget it, nobody outsmarts me.
SZR: Save me Steven. You said you had a plan. And I swear if it involves baby oil..
Steven Osbourne: You're such a prude Shaun. Of course it does. See, I thought about it and Alex is basically pretty lazy. So what's the easiest, laziest possible way to get him back to normal? Feed him a bottle of Zim-Quila of course!
Steven reaches down his pants and pulls out a bottle of Zim-Quila from the front of them.
SZR: Really?
Steven Osbourne: What! Everyone knows you get more action if you stuff your pants! It makes it look 25 percent bigger!
SZR: Nevermind. Let's do this..
Steven and Shaun grab onto Alex who doesn't seem to want to fight. Steven opens the bottle of booze and dumps it down Allen's throat. The big man instantly starts to gag.. his eyes start to water and..
Allen Richards: That was awful! Why did you force me to drink that? Why would anyone drink that? I think I need to call poison control! I don't know what was in that!
SZR: New plan. Getting dragged underwater damaged his brain, maybe hitting him with the bottle will bring him back.
Shaun in a quite motion smashes the bottle over Allen's head. The Uncle Fester look a like staggers.. then rubs his head.
Allen Richards: OWWWW! Why'd you go a do a thing like that? I might have a concussion! You know those things are serious. I watched that Will Smith movie.
Steven Osbourne: Maybe a second bottle will do the trick.
Steven reaches down the back of his pants and pulls out.. a second bottle of Zim-Quila.
SZR: That's nasty.
Steven Osbourne: What? Some ladies like a little junk in the trunk! Now let's feed him a second one.. hey!
Narrator: Steven showing the quick reaction time that probably made him so unpopular with the ladies thrusts the bottle towards Allen who grabs it away!
Allen Richards: I don't think so! I have bad enough heart burn from the first one..
YOU GUYS GIVE ME YOUR MONEY TOO!
Narrator: Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse our friendly neighborhood mugger returns swinging his board with a nail in it wildly.
Mugger: You guys better pay up.. and not call the cops. Something something. I'm crazy. Got a weapon. Yada Yada.. pay me.. Crazy as a shithouse rat.. something something..
Narrator: The board connects... with the bottle of Zim-Quila in Alex's hands.. the bottle falls and Alex lets out a battle cry as the bottle smashes on the pavement.
Allen Richards: Oh hell no! What is wrong with you man? You could have hit me with the board. I'm a big boy I can take it! But instead you picked on a poor, defenseless bottle of Zim-Quila.. the most delicious beverage ever created! That's alcohol abuse! I would have drank that! Hell, I'm considering licking it off the sidewalk!
Narrator: I run over and hug Alex! I missed the big lug! This time he does give me a noogie.
SZR: Thank god you're back!
Alex Richards: I was gone somewhere? Was it good?
SZR: No.. not good in the slightest! After your accident at the beach you morphed into an alterego named Allen. Who hated Zim-Quila, your doctor's bag, the Strange Rover, having fun in general, wrestling..
Alex Richards: That don't sound like me.
SZR: So you're telling me you don't believe any of that?
Alex Richards: The whole thing sound real strange and don't make a lick of sense. Of course I believe you! That totally sounds like my thing.
Steven Osbourne: Well my work here is done.
SZR: You didn't do anything!
Steven Osbourne: Yet I'm still taking all the credit. No work.. all the credit.. That's my thing!
Alex Richards: You know, I'm kinda thirsty Zach, let's go for a drink.
SZR: You called me Zach... thank God you're back!
Alex Richards: But you know what would hit the spot right now Zach? A vitamin water. You have one?
Narrator: I sigh and reach into my backpack and pull one out and toss it over to Alex.
SZR: You still like those?
Alex Richards: They have their uses.
Narrator: Alex walks over to the mugger who is trying to slink off and blend into the scenery. Alex grabs the mugger by the belt with one hand and uses the other hand to beat him over and over again upside the head with the bottle of vitamin water like a rolled up newspaper.
Alex Richards: Bad mugger! Wasting good Zim-Quila like that! Didn't I teach you better?
Mugger: Nobody taught me..
Alex Richards: Bad mugger! No! No wasting Zim-Quila!
Narrator: Alex reaches into the mugger's pocket and steals back his wallet.. then thinks for a second and steals the mugger's wallet as well.
Alex Richards: Let's see how you like getting mugged! Now get!
Narrator: Alex boots the mugger in the rear and the mugger decides to get when the getting is good and takes off running. Alex looks at his wallet with regret.
Alex Richards: Other me has bad taste. I miss my doctor's bag. How am I supposed to give out medical advice without my doctor's bag I lose all credibility!
SZR: You shouldn't give out medical advice. You're not a doctor.
Alex Richards: Who's the one who carries the doctor's bag.
SZR: Neither of us.
Alex Richards: Damnit! I gotta find my doctor's bag.. and my Strange Rover..
SZR: I'll drive the Toyota.
Alex Richards: A Toyota? Seriously? I want to kick my own ass right now. We need to get drunk.. now.
Narrator: And we pick up things up a couple of days later when we went to the closest bar. Alex even gave directions. I don't think he's been in the area before but he has a built in GPS for bars somehow. Once we reached the bar Alex quickly decided to make up for months of sobriety by ordering a triple... then stealing a bottle of tequila while the bartender went to get his drink. On the plus side he did share the bottle with me.
Alex Richards: So all that time all we had to do to get rid of that Allen guy you keep talking about was to put something I cared about in danger?
SZR: Yeah, but because Allen was so careful it took 6 months for there to be any real danger!
Alex Richards: That's no way to live! Guess I should get ready for my match this week huh?
SZR: That could be a good idea.
Alex Richards: Fortunately I was born ready! But hey doesn't hurt to get in the mood. I do have a question though. Why am I wrestling in the UCI? What happened to the WCF?
SZR: Trust me you don't want to know.
Alex Richards: I'll just assume giant crab monsters ate Seth and move on with my life. So first match back, world title tournament against Bonnie Blue and Erin Frost
SZR: I believe it's pronounced Fausse.
Alex Richards: I believe it's pronounced random person who's gonna get pinned in my match this week but tomato, tometo. Seriously though I kind of feel sorry for Erin. I did a little research in between shots and learned that apparently she's in the UCI because she had a dream that God told her to join the world of professional wrestling because it would save the world. I love God! I knew the minute I met him that the guy had a sense of humor!
SZR: You're back and sounding crazy already. I'm still relieved but I'm starting to get worried.
Alex Richards: He had a wicked sense of humor! And apparently he doesn't like you Erin. I dunno why maybe he can't pronounce your last name either. Maybe he's mad that you spell it with two ss's and throw him off. Or maybe that's just me. I mean I know I'm not god. But of course when I'm wrestling you it'll be like I'm playing god mode in one of those old video games. After we finish drinking, want to play some N64? I'm in the mood for drunken Mario kart.
SZR: You didn't want to create your own real life Mario kart. That's as good as I can hope for.
Alex Richards: God told you to become a professional wrestler? And you believed it! P.T. Barnum would have had a field day with you. Because you're the sucker of a lifetime! When I do finally die I'm gonna high five God because that's one hell of a practical joke! You can't just wake up one day and think you know I would make a great professional wrestler. That would be like if I woke up one day and thought you know I would make a great chef.
SZR: You did do that.
Alex Richards: Oh yeah. Bottom line, I started a fire and ordered pizza instead. Then dipped the pizza into the fire. And it was delicious! Smoked pizza is totally awesome trust me! See the moral of the story is I'm good at everything!
Shaun snorts.
Alex Richards: Okay fine. I'm much better at eating then I am at cooking. But I already know that! Apparently you're not as smart as me. Apparently you don't know that you can't just be a wrestler.. just because. Hmm... does thrashing Erin make me a teacher?
SZR: Oh god no!
Steven Osbourne: If I say yes does that mean Erin is going to wear a schoolgirl uniform?
SZR: Where did you come from?
Steven Osbourne: Alex was buying free drinks, you were talking about chicks. Was there any doubt I would come? Now about that question...
Alex pretends to think for a moment.
Alex Richards: If I say yes will you say yes?
Steven Osbourne: Yes!
Alex Richards: Then yes!
SZR: Not a chance! But I love that you're back.
Alex Richards: Erin, you probably should show up dressed like a schoolgirl. Not because I'm some sort of pig but because at least that way you'll be remembered for being the wrestler who competed in a schoolgirl outfit instead of just being remembered as the person who got into the ring and had no business being there and got destroyed by Alex Richards and Bonnie Blue.
SZR: If you tell me you're gonna beat Bonnie Blue because she's a girl I'm going to be very disappointed.
Alex Richards: Of course I wouldn't say that! You might think I'm not taking Erin seriously. You might think I don't think she has much talent. That she doesn't belong in this match. And you would be right. I think all those things. But it's not because she's a girl it's because she's undeserving. As far as I'm concerned Bonnie should have just as much of an issue with Erin being in the match as I do. Don't matter what sex you are, your talent is the thing that matters. I would never take Bonnie lightly because she's a women. Hell, I used to be a member of a stable lead by the Blue Lady. And she was tough as nails and never showed mercy to anyone. From what I can tell Bonnie Blue is just as tough and just as competitive. Hell my last match in the WCF was in a tag title match involving Bonnie Blue. Neither of us got pinned, but neither of us won the match either. Her partner Doc Henry was the one who ate the pin. This time I still don't think either of us are gonna get pinned. But the result is gonna be a little different. This time I won't be leaving unpinned, I'll be leaving undefeated.
Alex takes a sip from the bottle then hands it to Shaun before continuing.
Alex Richards: Don't get me wrong I have a lot of respect for Bonnie and her skills. Besides that she hangs out with my old buddy the Omega Man and anyone who's good in Jay's books is good in mine. If you're hanging out with Jay you have to pull your own weight. Especially someone who time travels with The Omega man and he actually listens to her advice. That means she has one hell of a strong will. But you know.. I wouldn't have this any other way. I didn't enter the UCI world title tournament hoping for an easy draw. I want to fight people who could easily be champions in their own right and defeat them. The last fed I was in. I was a member of the long time most dominant stable.. Pantheon. That name might not mean a lot to some of the people here but it damn sure does to me. Probably does to Bonnie as well considering her tag team partners.
Alex Richards: But the fact remains I was a member of the last version of that stable. The version that finally failed. The version that finally let down that legacy. I have a lot to prove, to a lot of people. So a new federation.. a new chance at being world champion.. a new chance at being the best. Sorry Bonnie, I like you but I don't like you enough to stop me from accomplishing this goal. It's been months since I wrestled, most of my friends are gone, my teammates are gone. Pantheon is gone, their legacy has been pissed on. So why am I here? I'm here for redemption. Once upon a time people thought I was good enough to be world champion. This is the time where I prove those people correct. Maybe I couldn't save Pantheon, but I can prove them right when they thought I was the future of wrestling. I'm an ugly, Uncle Fester looking, alcoholic swilling madman but when this tournament is over they will call me champion. Bonnie Blue, no hard feelings afterwards but once the match begins you might as well be my worst enemy because you're trying to take my dream away. I won't let you. After we're done, after I've advanced.. I'll even buy you a drink. But when the match is on..
Alex shakes his head.
Alex Richards: Sorry. At one point I was God of the internet. I am as always the reigning undefeated champion of the all you can eat Chinese Buffet, I can chug Zim-Quila faster than anyone on earth. But for being world champion? Never done it! Time to change that! The UCI has all the best the WCF had to offer, and a whole lot of new talent as well. Being champion here.. is going to prove that for at least a short time Alex Richards is the best wrestler in the world. If I hold that title for one day... it'll be worth it. Bonnie Blue, you're not taking that one day away from me. Not yet at least.
Steven Osbourne: If you're going for drinks with her afterwards can you get me her number? She's smoking!
SZR: You know, if I were you I would stop hitting on Bonnie.
Steven Osbourne: Why? You're jealous.
SZR: No, because she's Johnny Reb's clone. People might start thinking you're gay.
Steven Osbourne: Dude! Not cool! I had enough problems with people thinking that in the past. That's it! I'm swearing revenge!
Alex Richards: You know this feels mighty firmilar.
Steven Osbourne: Shaun... I swear revenge... on you! I'm going to go out.. hook up with a woman and then make you smell my fingers!
Narrator: Steven, a man on a mission, a mighty stupid mission, stalks out of the bar.
Alex Richards: That's the stupidest revenge plot ever.
SZR: Really? You don't think one that almost causes you to drown, and causes another personality to take over is worse?
Alex Richards: No way! Mine had style.. mine had flash! Mine had..
SZR: Forget it. I need another drink.
Alex Richards: I'm rubbing off on you Zach. If only this bar served Zim-Quila... or I could find where I left the Strange Rover...
Fade to Black
Alex Richards: C'mon Zach.. We're going out!
SZR: Okay... Wait.. What are we doing?
Alex Richards: Well zach, I'm glad you asked. I'm pissed off over how my match just went and want.. No.. Demand revenge on the Beach Krew. We could stay here and set their office on fire.
SZR: That's a bad idea.
Alex Richards: I knew you wouldn't like that. So I came up with a back up plan... we are going to artistically seek revenge.
SZR: That sounds good. But I know you too well to think that's actually what's going to happen.
Alex Richards: Totally is. Don't you trust me?
SZR: I smell booze on your breathe.
Alex Richards: Do you ever not smell booze on my breathe? I gargle with the stuff. Screw Listorine. Alcoholic is the breathe of champions!
SZR: Because who doesn't like getting a blast of booze whenever they talk to someone.
Alex Richards; Exactly!
SZR: I was being sarcastic!
Alex Richards: No, you weren't. You were being sincere.. and right. Hey, you're actually right for a change! Be proud Zach!
SZR: Why do I hang out with you? Oh right.. to prevent you from killing yourself and others! Speaking of which.. what's your brilliant plan?
Alex Richards: Simple! I'm swearing revenge on the Beach Krew? How am I going to do that? Simple.. blight the nearest beach! That's right.. I used a big word that made me sound smart.
SZR: Yeah... obviously this is a well thought out plan.
Alex Richards: You bet it is! C'mon Zach.. let's roll!
Narrator: And with that Alex began to walk towards the door towards his Strange Rover, Alex's incredibly souped up, ridiculously impossible truck that actually runs on Zim-Quila. Don't worry, I'm sure this will be explored in greater detail down the road. I get behind the wheel as Alex begins drinking en route to our designation... at which point Alex grabs the wheel and veers the Strange Rover right into the middle of the white sand beaches of Sandy Hook pulling up near the boardwalk. Alex hops out of the Strange Rover looking like the cat who eat the canary. Wait, I can do better. The kid left alone in the candy store. Yeah, that's more the look of pure joy on Alex's face. I might have been happy too. Except for..
SZR: What the hell is that?
Narrator: My vision is drawn towards a large, rickety carousel that is clearly out of place on a beach. Especially considering the wooden, water damaged, paint peeling horses. Who am I kidding. What's really out of place is a large couch slammed down upon it. Alex seems delighted.
Alex Richards: You noticed the horsey ride eh?
SZR: Why is that there?
Alex Richards: It's my plan for revenge against the Beach Krew! This is gonna show them why you don't mess with Pantheon! Why you don't cheat us out of titles! Well actually, it's my second plan. The first one involved my buddy Steven disgracing the ocean by taking a piss in it!
SZR: Why didn't you go with that? That sounds so much less risky.. then whatever stunt you came up with instead.
Alex Richards: Because Osbourne's herpes went into remission. I had a back up plan, but then I noticed the no dumping sign. Besides who poops in water? Peeing sure, but pooping? That's just crass! Then it hit me. I had a brilliant idea!
Alex begins to whistle a tune as he goes into the strange rover and comes back carrying a can of gasoline. Which he promptly uses to dose the couch on the carousel.
Alex Richards: I'll bet you're wondering what I'm gonna do with the gas..
SZR: No, I know you're going to set this carousel on fire.
Alex Richards: That's not the best part. First, I'm gonna strap myself to the couch using this duct tape. I mean safety first right?
SZR: What part of this plan is safe?
Alex Richards: Then I set the couch on fire.
SZR: You're setting the couch on fire with you on it?
Alex Richards: Relax I'm wearing my fire retardant suit.
SZR: The only thing retarded is your plan.
Alex Richards: I think I'm offended. Everyone knows tires don't burn.
SZR: Ever hear of a tire fire?
Alex Richards: C'mon bro, how I am supposed to get you to help me with the planning and scheming if you're just gonna make stuff up?
Narrator: I shake my head. As usual Alex's idea of logic has baffled me.
Alex Richards: Since you can't help with the plan would you at least drive the truck? See, first I hook this metal chain to my truck and the other end to the carousel.. then we spin, spin until the couch goes flying off setting the boardwalk to extra toasty! Or I hurl. Either way I blight the beach!
SZR: Blight was your word in the word of the day calendar wasn't it?
Alex Richards: How'd you guess Zach? Now get behind the wheel.. we have mayhem to cause.
SZR: Not a chance! You're going to get yourself killed.
Alex Richards: Now that just can't happen. You know I've already met God and he says I'm gonna kill to 105. So you have nothing to fear.
SZR: Except for a wildfire! C'mon Alex, let's just go to the bar and you can get over your frustrations by playing drunken dart.
Narrator: I know that's dangerous. But look at the other option. C'mon.. I'm trying. Usually a game like this catches Alex's interest but unfortunately not today.
Alex Richards: Are you driving or what? I mean.. my first choice already begged off.
SZR: So Jeff Purse said no?
Alex Richards: Actually he said.. no fucking way. This is so crazy I would actually advise you to go back to Stella Mongomery. Then he shuddered. So last chance.
SZR: Sorry Alex, you're without a driver. Looks like you're out of luck.
Alex Richards: That's okay.. I'll use the autopilot.
SZR: Crap.. I was hoping you would forget about that.
Narrator: Alex opens up the front door of the Strange Rover and turns his attention to the complicated looking computer embedded in the dashboard. Alex doesn't seem to remember how to engage the autopilot. Then he screws up in face in concentration and begins to button bash like he's playing an old Nintendo game. And continues to button bash. I start to relax as nothing happens.. but alas after ten minutes he finally manages to luck into engaging the autopilot..
Alex Richards: There we go! Not only is the autopilot on I set it to Moonshine running redneck mode. This is gonna be awesome!
SZR: Unbelievable. How did you get so lucky?
Alex Richards: Luck? That was all skill! I just took so long so I could ninja drink a few shots. There is nothing in life that can't be improved by a little vitamin B.
SZR: I don't think the B in vitamin B stands for booze.
Alex Richards: That's why you're not in the same fine physical condition I am Zach! Now just a second.. I have one more thing to add..
SZR: A helmet.. a fire.. ohh..
Narrator: I dash off towards the Strange Rover in one direction getting a fire equisher. Alex dashes off in the other returning with two giant cans of bush's beans which he quickly chugs as if they were cans of beer.
Alex Richards: Ever see a fart this size get lit? No one is gonna swim on this beach for months!
SZR: Nobody is anyways. It's November.. don't do this.. this is such a bad..
Narrator: I can't finish as Alex reaches into his ever present doctor's bag and pulls out a blowtorch and lights the couch on fire, burning up the duct tape straps. Alex shrugs, and plops down on the couch tossing ease his bag as the Strange Rover guns to life spinning.. spinning.. spinning the carousel faster and faster until Alex and the burning couch flies off of it, landing on the boardwalk. The burning rubber suited Archduke is tossed off the couch which promptly crashes through a section of the boardwalk as I quickly spray down Alex who gets back to his feet smiling.
Alex Richards: That was awesome! Are you sure you don't want to go for a ride? I just proved it's safe.
SZR: Unbelievable. Do you have any idea how lucky you are!
Alex Richards: Luck? That success was achieved through proper planning!
SZR: You got drunk and came up with that on the fly on your way to the back after a wrestling match.
Alex Richards: Exactly! And it worked just as well as I could have hoped. I damaged some beach front property, and sunk a flaming, fart infested couch into the ocean! I call that a good night's work..
Narrator: Before I can shout a warning a flaming wooden horse's head comes flying off of the carousel.. apparently Alex should have planned to stop the truck.. The head drills Alex in the skull knocking him through the hole in the boardwalk and landing him directly onto the motor of a boat docked illegally to the boardwalk. Remember how I said Alex was lucky? In this case it balances out as a one in a million chance causes the motor to flare to life. Alex jumps off the motor just in time but his leg gets caught up in the rope used to dock the boat. The boat roars to life pulling Alex away into the freezing waters. I look around helplessly as the boat takes Alex out deeper.. helpless to do anything about it..
Fade to Black....
One Day Later
Shaun Zach is in the hallway of a hospital talking to an animated, excited, somewhat confused looking doctor.
Doctor: I can't explain it. He was in that water for over an hour according to you. If he was dragged under he should have drowned, at the very least he should have serious brain damage. All that time underwater his brain should have started to die. But look at him..
Narrator: I can't help but grin as I look into the hospital room where Alex is sitting up in his hospital bed drinking a glass of water looking nonplussed. I think to explain to him that probably Alex's deal with God, or whoever he met in the great beyond if you believe in that sort of thing is probably the reason for his miracle. I think to say that maybe he has a sense of humor and wanted to see what else Alex would come up with. Or maybe he hates me and wants to see me try and continue to keep Alex out of trouble for the next 70 or so years. But all of that sounds crazy. Plus I really want to see my brother. So instead I just shrug.
SZR: You don't know my brother.. he's damn near indestructible.
Narrator: I run into the room and hug my brother.. who returns the hug. I was expecting a noogie, a wet willie, or at least a hair pull.
SZR: I'm so happy you're alright!
Alex Richards: I don't know why you're so excited. It was merely a minor panic attack?
Narrator: I can't help it. I chuckle.
SZR: Yeah.. right.
Narrator: Alex looks back confused.
Alex Richards: What else could it be? I hardly live an exciting life.
SZR: For you.. well that probably isn't the most over the top thing you have ever done I'll give you that.
Alex Richards: Could this wait until the commercial. I'm really interested in this show.
SZR: This isn't going to turn out like the time you watched Rollerjam on television and created hospital rollerjam is it? I got beaten up by an orderly and we had to pay a huge damage bill.
Alex Richards: What are you jabbering on about? Besides you know I'm watching CNN.
SZR: That's a strange choice. Yeah, doesn't surprise me at all.
Alex Richards: Why is it strange? It is the responsibility of every good American citizen to be informed on the political and social landscape of this country.
SZR: That doesn't sound like you at all.. Alex.
Alex Richards: I'm not Alex.
SZR: Oh no...
Narrator: It's just then I look down at the blankets and notice the spots of red on them.
SZR: The nurse... what did you to do the nurse?
Alex Richards: It was all her fault.
SZR: Alexander... you can't do things like that! She was probably a good person, you can't hurt or kill people especially not in the hospital. Oh, this is bad.. this is really bad.
Alex Richards: I don't know what you're talking about. I also don't know who Alexander is. And it was the nurse's fault. She accidentally spilled the red jello. But why do you not know your own brother's name? I'm Allen.. I've always been Allen. I'm starting to think we're in the hospital because of you. Although I will stay until the doctors tell me I can leave. That's just sensible.
SZR: Wait a second. You didn't hurt anyone? You don't want to do anything crazy? You're listening to reason. This is great! This could really work out. Glad to meet you Allen.
Allen Richards: I'm really worried about your mental state brother.
Narrator: At first I was excited. I thought an Alex who wouldn't constantly get arrested, destroy property, get recklessly drunk, do everything else recklessly as well, and seemingly test every limit known to man would be a good thing. But then as I got to know Allen I realized the man... just was not my brother. For instance a few days after he was released from the hospital instead of his usual raid the drug store for any pills he could ransack he went home. Which is where I visited him, in a generic, furnished rental apartment. I walked in camera in hand and noticed Alex on a mat on the floor doing yoga.
SZR: Wait a second. Why are you doing yoga now?
Allen Richards: You should try it as well brother. It helps center me.
SZR: Normally centering to you would involve hitting someone with a giant circle!
Allen Richards: That makes zero sense why would I do that? No answer? No of course because it doesn't make any sense. So I'll ask a more answerable question, how do you like my new apartment?
SZR: Not bad. It's a big step up from living in your van.. or the strange rover for that matter.
Allen Richards: Two questions. What's a stranger rover? And why would anyone live in a van?
SZR: Increased freedom. You can go anywhere, at any time if you live in your transportation.
Allen Richards: Only vagrants live in their vehicle. I am not a vagrant. Which is why I signed a lease for this apartment and a lease for a new Toyota.
SZR: What's about the Strange Rover?
Allen Richards: Ohh.. are you talking about that dangerous looking truck that you drove me home from in the hospital in? Why would anyone drive something like that? Seems like a death wish to me.
SZR: It's actually quite safe. You designed it yourself with help from Nicky Tesla.
Allen Richards: You really are quite insane aren't you brother? Nikola Tesla has been dead since 1943. And if he weren't would you think I would demean a scientist genius such as him by calling him Nicky. He would probably be insulted.
Narrator: To be honest I'm starting to get bored by the new Alex already. Fortunately I remembered the key to getting the sadistic Alexander to return to his fun loving Alex state. So I go into my gift bag and pull out a work boot filled to the brim with Zim-Quila.
SZR: Here you go Alex... umm Allen. A housewarming gift just for you.
Allen Richards: You are strange brother. What am I supposed to do with that?
SZR: You drink from it.
Allen Richards: I drink from boots? You know how many germs come from used footwear?
SZR: But there's alcohol in it. That could sanitize it.
Allen Richards: Who would believe that?
SZR: You always used to say that. Fine, if I pour the Zim-Quila into a glass will you join me for a drink?
Allen Richards: What in the blue blazes is a Zim-Cola?
SZR: Zim-Quila. It's the mixture you created from Zima and Tequila. You have a patent on it. Your vehicle runs on it, you sell it in your bar and you drink it nonstop to the point where your liver cries whenever it even so much as hears those two words.
Allen Richards: Never heard of it. But if you want to join me in a drink I have plenty of vitamin water. It's all I drink, it's so healthy for you.
SZR: OH forget it. How about we simply get prepared for your wrestling match this week.
Allen Richards: You're the second person this week to mistake me for a wrestler. I don't know why anyone would want such an obviously barbaric professional. Do I look like a gladiator to you? I mean what would I do as a wrestler?
Alex reaches out with his right hand and clocks his hapless, 150 pound soaking wet brother in the throat with the Samoan spike instantly dropping him to the carpeted floor.
Allen Richards: I'm sorry are you alright? This is why I could never be a wrestler. I would just feel so bad if I hurt someone!
Allen helps Shaun up who looks a little shaken, but yet somehow disappointed.
Narrator: And for several months this is how Alex now acted. I never thought it would miss the old Alex. But then again, the wild and crazy Archduke of Mass Confusion was the only version of my brother I have ever known. But if this new version of Alex, Allen Richards, made him happy then who was I to judge? Although no longer being Alex's cameraman due to his lack of wrestling did require a career change. Fortunately I was able to get a job with Allen at his call centre. Where I heard this call.
The scene fades to Allen Richards wearing a nicely tailored suit along with a toupee that probably doesn't fool anyone. He has even grown a surprisingly well trimmed mustache. Allen appears to be talking on his headset to a customer.
Allen Richards: Hello.. this is Collect Corp., Alex speaking. I am calling in regards to an urgent business manner.
Man on the other end of the line: Fucking hell you are! You're a fucking collection fucker aren't you?
Allen Richards: There is no need to use such vulgar language Mr.. Fields.
Man: Yeah well what the fuck are you gonna do about it? Take that fucking money you say I owe you.. get it in pennies and stick the whole thing up your ass!
Narrator: The man hangs up and I look over and notice Allen on the verge of tears. Seriously?
Allen Richards: Why do people have to be so mean? I'm just trying to do my job.
SZR: Let's go out for some air brother.
Allen Richards: We can't just leave. We have responsibilities.
SZR: We'll take our coffee break.
Allen Richards: I don't drink coffee. How about a low fat skim milk latte.
Shaun makes a face.
SZR: I miss the days we used to go to those Chinese buffets.
Allen Richards: All that MSG. Besides you know I have a thyroid problem.
Narrator: We go outside for a walk with our.. awful tasting drinks and I can't resist. I need at least some sense of adventure. I turn down a slightly darkened alley. Allen follows looking worried, damnit Alex never looked worried. He also wouldn't have stood for the way that jerk just talked to him. Apparently Allen has reason to be worried as a shady man dressed in black hops out in front of us holding a weapon and screaming.
Robber: Give me your wallet and nobody gets hurt. Unless I want to hurt you. So give it to me quick or else... You know I'm crazy..
Narrator: Allen lets out a girlish scream and hands the crook his wallet. The robber takes off counting his money.
SZR: What the hell dude? You just gave him your wallet like that?
Allen Richards: He was crazy. He said it himself.
SZR: You're bigger then him! You could have taken him!
Allen Richards: I've never gotten in a fight in my whole life. Besides he had a weapon.
SZR: It was a board!
Allen Richards: Yeah.. with a nail in it! I could have required a tetanus shot if I tangled with him!
SZR: That's it! You're the guy who once went around biting the heads off of rabid bats because you wanted to see how drunken rabies is! Now look at you.. you are such... a wuss. I never thought I would do this.. but I'm calling for help... I want the real Alex back.
Allen Richards: You're really hurting my feelings. I think we should go to counseling.
SZR: I'm going to regret this.. but I'm calling... Steven Osbourne!
Narrator: I make a phone call and as proof that anytime you don't want someone they are always nearby The self proclaimed Sexual Superman Steven Osbourne shows up carrying a bottle of Zim-Quila and wearing his usual stupid attire of something pink in this case an all pink track suit.
SZR: This is the last time I'm ever calling you.
Steven Osbourne: You know there's only one reason I came right. Well two reasons actually. One, I miss my wingman. Alex totally made me look hot to all the ladies because he kind of looks like frankenstein's monster.
Allen Richards(whining): Everyone is soooooo mean to me!
Steven Osbourne: You used to be awesome! And now you're.. like this. Chicks feel sorry for you.. and probably help you pick up sweater sets. I mean.. dude.. sweater sets don't get you laid.
SZR: Why is it you disgust me even when we are on the same side?
Steven Osbourne: It's a gift man. Now I'm gonna help you because I want my buddy back! Even though if I didn't get my buddy back I could totally replace him in his first match back wrestling this week.
Allen Richards: Wrestling? Didn't we already talk about this. I'm no wrestler.
SZR: Well.. umm.. you don't make enough money working at the collection agency so I signed you up for a brand new wrestling federation, United Championship Infinite.
Allen Richards: Well I don't want to wrestle.
SZR: But if you have 2 jobs you'll be able to retire by the time you are 55 years old.
Allen Richards: That sounds sensible. I guess I can do that. But I warn you. I'm probably not going to be very good.
Steven Osbourne: That's not even the good news! You're wrestling against Erin Fausse and Bonnie Blue.
Allen Richards: That is good news.
Steven Osbourne: If I were wrestling them I would just lay down and let them both pin me because who cares about winning if you got hot chicks on top?
SZR: As usual your advice is worthless.
Steven Osbourne: Then I might hope afterwards they want to get freaky and do some ultimate surrender shit on me. Because the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer is down with the freaky shit!
Allen Richards: You have it all wrong Steven. One should never try and have a sexual relationship with their co workers.
Steven Osbourne: Then why were you happy to be facing them?
Allen Richards: First of all they are small females. I'm probably bigger than both of them combined.
SZR: And you shit bigger then them before breakfast.
Allen Richards: Don't be crude.
SZR: Someone has to. You're not very exciting.
Allen Richards: Furthermore while I might not be much of a wrestler, neither of these two. And clearly they have greater mental issues then even you do brother, or maybe even Steven does.
Steven Osbourne: I don't have mental issues. That straightjacket was a sex toy.
Allen Richards: During the time you were talking nonsense I went and did something valuable and used my cell phone to look up the UCI website and check out my opponent's bios. Both of them are absolute nutters. Erin Fausse for starters. Have you looked at her criminal record? She should be in a prison cell not a wrestling ring! I'm sure she will be a prison cell very soon because you know career criminals always relapse. I'm just proud that as an American citizen I can bring her to justice and show her that crime doesn't pay. I read that classic book crime and punishment and I can say for certain that this match will go exactly that way. Erin already did all the crimes and I will be the one to unleash the harsh punishment.
Narrator: Hmm.. I don't think even this version of Alex read Crime and Punishment.
Allen Richards: But that's not even the worst part she is using religion to try and prey on the sympathy of the crowd clearly in a lame attempt to con them out of their money. She could have at least have the decency to use a weapon like the mugger did earlier today. I mean is her plan to try and become the next Jimmy Swaggart and get people to send her phony church money? Because if so, I can't believe how shady that is! This woman completely disgusts me. She has no morals to speak of! Either that or she's crazy and truly believes God came to her in a dream. I don't know which is true. But I know this sooner or later a prison physiologist is going to examine her. And if I can take her out of wrestling that's at least crazy person I have to deal with in professional wrestling!
Steven Osbourne: I'm sort of enjoying this.
SZR: I'm not! This is so un Alex like.
Allen Richards: Then we come to Bonnie Blue who would have people believe that she is a clone of Johnny Reb? A clone.. that's ridiculous! Someone has been watching or reading too much science fiction. I mean I even heard she is sort of time traveler? How ludicrous! There is no such thing as time travel.. or clones... or evil twins... or robots or.. need I continue? Bonnie just wants to make people associate her with Johnny Reb because he was a former world champion wrestler. So by leeching off of his legacy she can give herself some fake credibility. This may be the first time I have ever wrestled but at least I'm honest about it. Both of my opponents not only lack experience but they lie about it too. That means not only do they have no skills, but they have no confidence in their lack of skills either. If I had to wrestle anyone.. it would be these two because they are both crazy, have no real skills, and basically try to fool the people. Well you gotta get up pretty early in the morning to fool Allen Richards. Because I wake up at 5, and have myself a decaf non fat latte by quarter after. Then forget it, nobody outsmarts me.
SZR: Save me Steven. You said you had a plan. And I swear if it involves baby oil..
Steven Osbourne: You're such a prude Shaun. Of course it does. See, I thought about it and Alex is basically pretty lazy. So what's the easiest, laziest possible way to get him back to normal? Feed him a bottle of Zim-Quila of course!
Steven reaches down his pants and pulls out a bottle of Zim-Quila from the front of them.
SZR: Really?
Steven Osbourne: What! Everyone knows you get more action if you stuff your pants! It makes it look 25 percent bigger!
SZR: Nevermind. Let's do this..
Steven and Shaun grab onto Alex who doesn't seem to want to fight. Steven opens the bottle of booze and dumps it down Allen's throat. The big man instantly starts to gag.. his eyes start to water and..
Allen Richards: That was awful! Why did you force me to drink that? Why would anyone drink that? I think I need to call poison control! I don't know what was in that!
SZR: New plan. Getting dragged underwater damaged his brain, maybe hitting him with the bottle will bring him back.
Shaun in a quite motion smashes the bottle over Allen's head. The Uncle Fester look a like staggers.. then rubs his head.
Allen Richards: OWWWW! Why'd you go a do a thing like that? I might have a concussion! You know those things are serious. I watched that Will Smith movie.
Steven Osbourne: Maybe a second bottle will do the trick.
Steven reaches down the back of his pants and pulls out.. a second bottle of Zim-Quila.
SZR: That's nasty.
Steven Osbourne: What? Some ladies like a little junk in the trunk! Now let's feed him a second one.. hey!
Narrator: Steven showing the quick reaction time that probably made him so unpopular with the ladies thrusts the bottle towards Allen who grabs it away!
Allen Richards: I don't think so! I have bad enough heart burn from the first one..
YOU GUYS GIVE ME YOUR MONEY TOO!
Narrator: Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse our friendly neighborhood mugger returns swinging his board with a nail in it wildly.
Mugger: You guys better pay up.. and not call the cops. Something something. I'm crazy. Got a weapon. Yada Yada.. pay me.. Crazy as a shithouse rat.. something something..
Narrator: The board connects... with the bottle of Zim-Quila in Alex's hands.. the bottle falls and Alex lets out a battle cry as the bottle smashes on the pavement.
Allen Richards: Oh hell no! What is wrong with you man? You could have hit me with the board. I'm a big boy I can take it! But instead you picked on a poor, defenseless bottle of Zim-Quila.. the most delicious beverage ever created! That's alcohol abuse! I would have drank that! Hell, I'm considering licking it off the sidewalk!
Narrator: I run over and hug Alex! I missed the big lug! This time he does give me a noogie.
SZR: Thank god you're back!
Alex Richards: I was gone somewhere? Was it good?
SZR: No.. not good in the slightest! After your accident at the beach you morphed into an alterego named Allen. Who hated Zim-Quila, your doctor's bag, the Strange Rover, having fun in general, wrestling..
Alex Richards: That don't sound like me.
SZR: So you're telling me you don't believe any of that?
Alex Richards: The whole thing sound real strange and don't make a lick of sense. Of course I believe you! That totally sounds like my thing.
Steven Osbourne: Well my work here is done.
SZR: You didn't do anything!
Steven Osbourne: Yet I'm still taking all the credit. No work.. all the credit.. That's my thing!
Alex Richards: You know, I'm kinda thirsty Zach, let's go for a drink.
SZR: You called me Zach... thank God you're back!
Alex Richards: But you know what would hit the spot right now Zach? A vitamin water. You have one?
Narrator: I sigh and reach into my backpack and pull one out and toss it over to Alex.
SZR: You still like those?
Alex Richards: They have their uses.
Narrator: Alex walks over to the mugger who is trying to slink off and blend into the scenery. Alex grabs the mugger by the belt with one hand and uses the other hand to beat him over and over again upside the head with the bottle of vitamin water like a rolled up newspaper.
Alex Richards: Bad mugger! Wasting good Zim-Quila like that! Didn't I teach you better?
Mugger: Nobody taught me..
Alex Richards: Bad mugger! No! No wasting Zim-Quila!
Narrator: Alex reaches into the mugger's pocket and steals back his wallet.. then thinks for a second and steals the mugger's wallet as well.
Alex Richards: Let's see how you like getting mugged! Now get!
Narrator: Alex boots the mugger in the rear and the mugger decides to get when the getting is good and takes off running. Alex looks at his wallet with regret.
Alex Richards: Other me has bad taste. I miss my doctor's bag. How am I supposed to give out medical advice without my doctor's bag I lose all credibility!
SZR: You shouldn't give out medical advice. You're not a doctor.
Alex Richards: Who's the one who carries the doctor's bag.
SZR: Neither of us.
Alex Richards: Damnit! I gotta find my doctor's bag.. and my Strange Rover..
SZR: I'll drive the Toyota.
Alex Richards: A Toyota? Seriously? I want to kick my own ass right now. We need to get drunk.. now.
Narrator: And we pick up things up a couple of days later when we went to the closest bar. Alex even gave directions. I don't think he's been in the area before but he has a built in GPS for bars somehow. Once we reached the bar Alex quickly decided to make up for months of sobriety by ordering a triple... then stealing a bottle of tequila while the bartender went to get his drink. On the plus side he did share the bottle with me.
Alex Richards: So all that time all we had to do to get rid of that Allen guy you keep talking about was to put something I cared about in danger?
SZR: Yeah, but because Allen was so careful it took 6 months for there to be any real danger!
Alex Richards: That's no way to live! Guess I should get ready for my match this week huh?
SZR: That could be a good idea.
Alex Richards: Fortunately I was born ready! But hey doesn't hurt to get in the mood. I do have a question though. Why am I wrestling in the UCI? What happened to the WCF?
SZR: Trust me you don't want to know.
Alex Richards: I'll just assume giant crab monsters ate Seth and move on with my life. So first match back, world title tournament against Bonnie Blue and Erin Frost
SZR: I believe it's pronounced Fausse.
Alex Richards: I believe it's pronounced random person who's gonna get pinned in my match this week but tomato, tometo. Seriously though I kind of feel sorry for Erin. I did a little research in between shots and learned that apparently she's in the UCI because she had a dream that God told her to join the world of professional wrestling because it would save the world. I love God! I knew the minute I met him that the guy had a sense of humor!
SZR: You're back and sounding crazy already. I'm still relieved but I'm starting to get worried.
Alex Richards: He had a wicked sense of humor! And apparently he doesn't like you Erin. I dunno why maybe he can't pronounce your last name either. Maybe he's mad that you spell it with two ss's and throw him off. Or maybe that's just me. I mean I know I'm not god. But of course when I'm wrestling you it'll be like I'm playing god mode in one of those old video games. After we finish drinking, want to play some N64? I'm in the mood for drunken Mario kart.
SZR: You didn't want to create your own real life Mario kart. That's as good as I can hope for.
Alex Richards: God told you to become a professional wrestler? And you believed it! P.T. Barnum would have had a field day with you. Because you're the sucker of a lifetime! When I do finally die I'm gonna high five God because that's one hell of a practical joke! You can't just wake up one day and think you know I would make a great professional wrestler. That would be like if I woke up one day and thought you know I would make a great chef.
SZR: You did do that.
Alex Richards: Oh yeah. Bottom line, I started a fire and ordered pizza instead. Then dipped the pizza into the fire. And it was delicious! Smoked pizza is totally awesome trust me! See the moral of the story is I'm good at everything!
Shaun snorts.
Alex Richards: Okay fine. I'm much better at eating then I am at cooking. But I already know that! Apparently you're not as smart as me. Apparently you don't know that you can't just be a wrestler.. just because. Hmm... does thrashing Erin make me a teacher?
SZR: Oh god no!
Steven Osbourne: If I say yes does that mean Erin is going to wear a schoolgirl uniform?
SZR: Where did you come from?
Steven Osbourne: Alex was buying free drinks, you were talking about chicks. Was there any doubt I would come? Now about that question...
Alex pretends to think for a moment.
Alex Richards: If I say yes will you say yes?
Steven Osbourne: Yes!
Alex Richards: Then yes!
SZR: Not a chance! But I love that you're back.
Alex Richards: Erin, you probably should show up dressed like a schoolgirl. Not because I'm some sort of pig but because at least that way you'll be remembered for being the wrestler who competed in a schoolgirl outfit instead of just being remembered as the person who got into the ring and had no business being there and got destroyed by Alex Richards and Bonnie Blue.
SZR: If you tell me you're gonna beat Bonnie Blue because she's a girl I'm going to be very disappointed.
Alex Richards: Of course I wouldn't say that! You might think I'm not taking Erin seriously. You might think I don't think she has much talent. That she doesn't belong in this match. And you would be right. I think all those things. But it's not because she's a girl it's because she's undeserving. As far as I'm concerned Bonnie should have just as much of an issue with Erin being in the match as I do. Don't matter what sex you are, your talent is the thing that matters. I would never take Bonnie lightly because she's a women. Hell, I used to be a member of a stable lead by the Blue Lady. And she was tough as nails and never showed mercy to anyone. From what I can tell Bonnie Blue is just as tough and just as competitive. Hell my last match in the WCF was in a tag title match involving Bonnie Blue. Neither of us got pinned, but neither of us won the match either. Her partner Doc Henry was the one who ate the pin. This time I still don't think either of us are gonna get pinned. But the result is gonna be a little different. This time I won't be leaving unpinned, I'll be leaving undefeated.
Alex takes a sip from the bottle then hands it to Shaun before continuing.
Alex Richards: Don't get me wrong I have a lot of respect for Bonnie and her skills. Besides that she hangs out with my old buddy the Omega Man and anyone who's good in Jay's books is good in mine. If you're hanging out with Jay you have to pull your own weight. Especially someone who time travels with The Omega man and he actually listens to her advice. That means she has one hell of a strong will. But you know.. I wouldn't have this any other way. I didn't enter the UCI world title tournament hoping for an easy draw. I want to fight people who could easily be champions in their own right and defeat them. The last fed I was in. I was a member of the long time most dominant stable.. Pantheon. That name might not mean a lot to some of the people here but it damn sure does to me. Probably does to Bonnie as well considering her tag team partners.
Alex Richards: But the fact remains I was a member of the last version of that stable. The version that finally failed. The version that finally let down that legacy. I have a lot to prove, to a lot of people. So a new federation.. a new chance at being world champion.. a new chance at being the best. Sorry Bonnie, I like you but I don't like you enough to stop me from accomplishing this goal. It's been months since I wrestled, most of my friends are gone, my teammates are gone. Pantheon is gone, their legacy has been pissed on. So why am I here? I'm here for redemption. Once upon a time people thought I was good enough to be world champion. This is the time where I prove those people correct. Maybe I couldn't save Pantheon, but I can prove them right when they thought I was the future of wrestling. I'm an ugly, Uncle Fester looking, alcoholic swilling madman but when this tournament is over they will call me champion. Bonnie Blue, no hard feelings afterwards but once the match begins you might as well be my worst enemy because you're trying to take my dream away. I won't let you. After we're done, after I've advanced.. I'll even buy you a drink. But when the match is on..
Alex shakes his head.
Alex Richards: Sorry. At one point I was God of the internet. I am as always the reigning undefeated champion of the all you can eat Chinese Buffet, I can chug Zim-Quila faster than anyone on earth. But for being world champion? Never done it! Time to change that! The UCI has all the best the WCF had to offer, and a whole lot of new talent as well. Being champion here.. is going to prove that for at least a short time Alex Richards is the best wrestler in the world. If I hold that title for one day... it'll be worth it. Bonnie Blue, you're not taking that one day away from me. Not yet at least.
Steven Osbourne: If you're going for drinks with her afterwards can you get me her number? She's smoking!
SZR: You know, if I were you I would stop hitting on Bonnie.
Steven Osbourne: Why? You're jealous.
SZR: No, because she's Johnny Reb's clone. People might start thinking you're gay.
Steven Osbourne: Dude! Not cool! I had enough problems with people thinking that in the past. That's it! I'm swearing revenge!
Alex Richards: You know this feels mighty firmilar.
Steven Osbourne: Shaun... I swear revenge... on you! I'm going to go out.. hook up with a woman and then make you smell my fingers!
Narrator: Steven, a man on a mission, a mighty stupid mission, stalks out of the bar.
Alex Richards: That's the stupidest revenge plot ever.
SZR: Really? You don't think one that almost causes you to drown, and causes another personality to take over is worse?
Alex Richards: No way! Mine had style.. mine had flash! Mine had..
SZR: Forget it. I need another drink.
Alex Richards: I'm rubbing off on you Zach. If only this bar served Zim-Quila... or I could find where I left the Strange Rover...
Fade to Black