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Post by Asher "Hired Gun" Bradley on May 20, 2016 16:05:25 GMT -6
So...this weeks RP was tough for me to try and conjure up haha. I saw conjure because it was tough to write a RolePlay during the first week of a new fed opening up cause there is no history or storylines to base anything upon. I thought it was going to be rough in the first place without that struggle but I found that I had to stop and take about 2 intermissions while writing because I could not think of anything. My usual strength is storytelling and shoots can be either hit or miss. I was just curious what people thought about it. Anything at all. I like to hear feedback to try and improve and this week I feel so-so about it. Normally I write it all in one sitting of a couple of hours but this one had to be spaced out. Let me know what you like and what you didnt. Any and all feedback and opinions are welcome of course!
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Post by Spencer Adams on May 20, 2016 16:44:42 GMT -6
Pretty solid in my opinion. I think you have a firm grasp on setting mood or tone or whatever you want to call it. Shoot was solid, especially given that there's so little to shoot on since it's week 1. I think the one thing I'd say to improve upon is what I've said to Aurora as well and that's to simply look to flesh things out, but that's as time goes on and there is more to talk about. Fine roleplay here and I look forward to seeing what you come up with in the future as well.
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Post by Crow McMorris on May 20, 2016 16:49:52 GMT -6
I really dug it! I like crime drama in general, and this had that hard boiled edge that I go for. A first roleplay in any fed can be difficult, starting over in a brand new environment certainly adds to that challenge, but you raised the game as far as I'm concerned! Great job!
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Post by The Polar Phantasm on May 20, 2016 17:06:38 GMT -6
I marked out for that promo. You gave us enough to kinda figure out who the guy is, and you gave us more than enough to see that this is a three dimensional character... plus, fuckin' kickass character.
This Phantasm gives it seventeen out of twenty nickels I found in this coffee mug.
-B.
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Post by Asher "Hired Gun" Bradley on May 20, 2016 21:21:18 GMT -6
Thanks guys I really appreciate the feedback. It is really great to hear that you guys enjoyed it. Hopefully I can keep pumping out good material! Definitely got more to come!
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Post by SHADOWLOVE on May 20, 2016 23:14:58 GMT -6
This is best way for me to describe your roleplay. . . ![]() Good "Hit" |
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Post by SHADOWLOVE on May 20, 2016 23:17:47 GMT -6
This is best way for me to describe your roleplay. . .  ![]() |
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Post by Kyle Cameron on May 22, 2016 14:59:40 GMT -6
It feels so good to be in my boi D-Day's redebut match in efedding, he and I had some wars over the US Title in the dub. Good to have you back man!
Comparing the two RPs we put out, I think yours may get the win over mine, you've obviously got a history all planned out with this character given his rather extensive backhistory, so I'm excited to see where that goes. Very nice balance between shoot and char dev. Dar I say it, but character development is more important in Week One so we know what's up with your character, but even then I think you took what you had with the Cameron character and really shot him up big time. I like it Maggle!
My complaints are two fold. First, one that's super easy to fix, but I would refrain from using red text in your RPs. As much as I love the color, it just doesn't look good at all on the boards. Second, I think the closing line of “Now it’s time to blow some motherfucking heads off!” really comes out of nowhere and doesn't fit the tone you established at the start with Asher's monologues. Those are two nitpicks tho, and overall I'm very glad to see you back in the game!
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Post by "Mr. God" Benjamin Atreyu on May 26, 2016 20:29:58 GMT -6
You really brought out a strong sense of character with this RP. No way to mistake his mindset or ideology, and being able to capture something like that so quickly is really an achievement. On top of that, you are an incredibly solid writer, your voice echoes your character well, and I would love to see you, as Spence said, flesh it out and really bring depth to your character by showing how he makes decisions in certain tough situations and the likes.
If I had anything 'negative' to put, its watch out for the touchstone images or descriptions that might be too commonly associated with the tone you are going for. Wasn't anything too bad, but its something you want to keep your eye on, because stuff like that can take away from the voice which you clearly have a good grasp on.
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