Aurora
Developmental
Posts: 31 
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Post by Aurora on May 18, 2016 9:59:17 GMT -6
I'd love to hear some feedback from anyone here, this is my first time rping with Aurora so I want to make sure everything is coming across as I hoped. Thank you!
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Post by Spencer Adams on May 18, 2016 10:22:19 GMT -6
Will read and respond here as soon as internet is back on. (On my phone at the moment)
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Post by Spencer Adams on May 18, 2016 16:10:06 GMT -6
I'll start with saying the obvious about introductory roleplays and that is that they can be a real pain in the ass to craft.
That being said, I think you did a very good job with that here. I don't think there's a lot of bad I can say about your work here, but I can tell you what I liked about it and what I think you can continue to build at.
Positives:
-Flow is very solid here.
-There's a nice intro to emotional grip here. I like where the direction seems to be going and hope to see some more flashbacks and/or dreams that contain memories of your character's interactions with the Adrian character as I feel they can do a lot for you in terms of developing your character and crafting the person that she is.
-As far as being believable as an intro rp, it was just that. Your character has a noob-like sort of iffy confidence and I'd consider that a good thing as her experience within the business is sold as limited.
Negatives:
-Not a huge one here as it's an intro rp and I felt it was good on shoot, so consider this more of a "for future roleplays" sort of note. Shoot was solid. It's always gonna be a tad awkward to try to write a shoot when in our world, a character has little to no knowledge on the opponents. I think it was fine here with that in mind, but I would like to see it become more fleshed out as weeks pass and the characters in our federation have a little bit more on each other.
Overall, great rp and I don't have any real criticisms. Excited to see what you bring in coming weeks as well.
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occulo
Developmental
Posts: 51 
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Post by occulo on May 19, 2016 17:02:21 GMT -6
Aurora has massive potential. I think her sad past with this rockstar phoenix rising from the ashes will make for fantastic reading.
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Post by "Mr. God" Benjamin Atreyu on May 26, 2016 19:47:14 GMT -6
You've made an incredibly strong start in the fed with a new character and a great sense of direction. You've managed to set the character's mindset and goals right away while playing with some strong sympathy building- which can go wrong very easily as I have seen, but you've pulled it off quite well. Your prose are very solid and your storytelling is more so. Placing the tragic scene before revealing the whos and whens made the scene that much more shocking and sudden - its starkness almost bringing an objective horridness to the act- allowing a lack of context to grip the audience and then, when you place it upon the character, we let our minds meld the two, creating a sort of sympathy.
If I had one negative, same as Spence's, its hard to shoot on characters you aren't familiar with, but its not so much a negative since it seemed you tried hard to bring a theme to your shoot to pull it together. I look forward to seeing where you take this character in the future.
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