Post by Kuno Kenji on Dec 25, 2016 21:03:09 GMT -6
A montage of Chibi styled animations plays, showing various members of the UCI roster fighting, before various Christmas decorations land between them, making smiles slowly spread over their faces as the entire scenes get, almost excessively, festive.
The words:
Appear on screen, before the letters:
Are slammed down in the middle of them; before the screen fades to Kuno standing in a very… unique christmas scene, a tree with Barbed wire rather than glitter, a nativity scene depicting an Angel and a couple fighting three wise men in a baby-on-a-pole match and
Kuno himself is wearing what appears to be some form of of Rudolph cosplay, nose painted red and with reindeer horns behind his ears.
Kuno: HELLOOOO, UCI GALAXYYYY
For once the SFX of a crowd cheering is quite tastefully added, perhaps having the entire editing department of UCI makes way for better quality…
Kuno: As you probably know, UCI is off this week, but just in case you missed us just too much, we have a number of christmas greetings from your favorite UCI superstars. The first of these is former Intercontinental Campion and current Tag-team champion, Bonnie Blue, along with a… special guest.
A chibi version of the woman pops up in the corner of the screen, along with her name along the bottom.
Kuno: Take it away Bonnie-chan!~
The camera tight-focuses on the carbonite-bound image of Wentworth Updegraff, Jr., then pans out to reveal the figure adorned with festive multicolored lights and wound around with a sparkling tinsel garland. Seated in a plain folding chair just in front of him is Bonnie Blue, clad in the latest apparel from UCIshop.com: a brand-new blue hoodie with the Intercontinental belt printed around the waist, and a Santa hat embroidered with the UCI logo. She salutes the viewer with a cup of eggnog, smiling cheerfully.
Bonnie Blue: Howdy an' happy holidays, UCI fans! As y'all can see, 'Worthless here's gotten into the spirit of things -- an' how could I do any less? We've all come such a long way together, in such a very short time. We of the United Championship Infinite couldn'ta done none of it without the love an' support of y'all comin' to our shows or watchin' at home... buyin' our merchandise...
With an exaggerated wink, she indicates the hoodie.
Bonnie Blue: So on behalf of the Guardians, let me just say thank you to all the millions an' millions of UCI faithful out there. Twenty-Sixteen was one hell of a year; here's to Twenty-Seventeen bein' even better! From all of us here in Chicago, we're wishing y'all a very merry Christmas an' a happy New Year!
Instrumental holiday music starts to play as Bonnie offers the camera another beaming smile. She looks up and feigns surprise, pointing to indicate something overhead. The camera pans up -- it's mistletoe! With a mischievous wink, the young blonde shrugs and stands up, leaning toward Wentworth's metallic face, which somehow looks even more annoyed than usual. The entire scene freezes just as Bonnie's lips touch his. A border of bright green holly appears around the screen, followed by the words "Happy Holidays" in sparkling red.
The screen is back to Kuno, who is now blushing profusely
Kuno: T-thanks, Bonnie-chan; that was very festive of you.
Kuno: But it’s not only our champions have sent you all messages, our own Karlie Nash has sent us a little message of her own, along with her manager, Tracy Dixon.
Karlie Nash is Standing in her front yard, she is placing lights on the tree. she turns to the camera.
Karlie: Hello Everyone, I'm Karlie Nash, but you all know that of course, anyway with the holidays upon us I would like to wish the UCI universe a safe and happy Christmas, and enjoyable New Year.
Tracy Dixon is sitting in front of her fire place wearing one of those ugly Christmas sweaters, she's sipping on a cup of hot chocolate.
Tracy: Hello Y'all, greetings from Music City, Nashville Tennessee, I'm Tracy Dixon, and I would like to take this time to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a happy joyous New Year.
Kuno: Thanks, Karlie, that was just lovely, it’s good to see that everyone is getting into the Christmas spirit!
Kuno: This next message comes from somewhere close to my heart, my own friends from Otakuul are here to give you their Christmas greeting.
Moe Stars: Merii Kurisumasu!~
The group is standing in Adam’s apartment, which is decorated in a cacophony of colors, clearly there has been some disagreement over what colors to use.
The Hentai Prince: And a happy new year to all our fans out there, and even to those who aren’t fans.
Brawler: And of course, Happy Holidays to those who don’t celebrate Christmas!
Biyaku: Last, but certainly not least, we wish that all of you competing in Evil Santa, an overwhelming….
The group extend their arms into the air
Otakuul: VIC-TORY! VIC-TORY! VIC-TORY!!!
Kuno: Thanks guys, that was great!
Kuno: And now we have a very special guest who sent us a message, good old Santa Claus himself!
Santa is sitting on his big red chair in his living room having a nice cup of hot coco. Before he even gets up, Andre bashes his living room door drenched in elf organs, and blood. A chainsaw is held tightly in his hands leaving Santa to lean back into the chair with fear poisoning his eyes as he looks at the infuriated Andre Holmes revving the engine of the chainsaw.
Andre Holmes: YOU! YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A FUCKING PONY WHEN I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD YOU DIABETIC OBESE FAT FUCK!
Santa Claus: B-B-B-B-B-But you were on the naughty list. It's the rules of Christmas!
Andre Holmes: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAS! DIE YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
Kuno: ANDRE NO! DON’T DO IT!!!~
Kuno looks around in shock, slowly calming down when he realizes that there is nothing he can do.
Kuno: W-well, everyone celebrates Christmas in their own way, i suppose; and that includes Andre Jenson and Teo Del Sol.
Kuno frowns slightly at the names before cheering up again.
Kuno: Two men I’ve had some disagreements with, but it’s Christmas, so all is forgiven… for now.
Kuno smiles mischievously as the camera fades to black
The scene suddenly changes to outside, where the happily reformed Two Gents, Teo del Sol and Andre Jenson, have assembled a grand spectacle of holiday cheer for all to see. Children are lined up for blocks around as the live entertainment blasts another rendition of “Jingle Bell Rock” for what is probably the 347th time this half hour, and a menagerie of red and green tinsel sparkles brightly above a crowded stage.
And on top of it all, wearing bright red Santa Claus suits, sit the Two Gents, welcoming children to the winter wonderland as a somewhat surly looking group of elves usher them onto the stage.
As each child crosses the stage, Andre Jenson sweeps into a gigantic bag and produces a brand new toy, his recent acquisition of the Target stores no doubt leaving him with an excess of merchandise for such uses.
Andre Jenson: Here you go little girl, a Unicorn!
Teo del Sol: I think that’s a boy, Andre.
Child: Sweet a Unicorn!
Andre Jenson: Close enough. Merry Christmas!
Sol reaches into the bag, pulling out what appears to be a greatly overstuffed goat, so large that it is really more of an orb. He stares at it and returns it to the bag as the next child eagerly scampers across the stage.
Meanwhile, a flustered looking reporter for the local news stumbles past a group of security guards, microphone in hand.
Security: Hey lady, kids only!
Interviewer: Listen bub, my name is Cindy Scoopwater, and I will not be pushed around when there’s a story to be had!
Security: Let her go, the Gents can take care of themselves, and besides…it’s Christmas!
Teo begins rummaging through the bag, and Jenson laughs with a hardy “Ho ho ho!” as he slaps his tag partner on the back…
Resulting in Teo falling head first into the massive bag, which swallows him up as it rears its open end upward. Jenson stares in momentary surprise, before scratching his head quizzically as he attempts to figure out how to retrieve Teo.
However, before he has too long to ponder, a new visitor suddenly grabs his attention as Cindy approaches our debonair merrymaker.
Cindy: Cindy Scoopwater here for your local news, and my goodness what a festive spirit we have here today! Noted philanthropist Andre Jenson has invited what appears to be countless children to experience the holidays in style here this morning!
Andre Jenson: Here you go little girl, a unicorn!
Andre thrusts a stuffed animal into Cindy’s hands, the reporter stares at it in momentary confusion as Andre continues to hand out his remaining toys obliviously.
Cindy: No Mr. Jenson, I’m here for an interview.
Andre Jenson: I’ve never heard of a toy with that name.
Cindy: Uh…
Andre Jenson: Just a bit of Claus humor ma’am, I’d be happy to give an interview, except my tag team partner has currently fallen a bit too far into the Christmas spirit.
A muffled “I heard that!” can be heard through the walls of the giant bag.
Cindy: Is that Teo in there?
Andre Jenson: I certainly hope so. That green fellow was rather persistent. Couple of chair shots took care of him though!
Cindy: Green…fellow?
Andre hands a pile of toys to the next child to walk across the stage, countless varieties of Hobbit Action figures.
Andre Jenson: Stunning number of mistakes there, so you get extras. Never met a hobbit in my life looked like that, and I’ve met hundreds.
Cindy: So anyway, about the interview..?
Andre Jenson: Oh right, so as I was saying, I’d be happy to give you an interview later, like everyone else, but Christmas is about making sure that we don’t ruin the magic for these wonderful and possibly impressionable children.
Cindy: So you want them to believe in Santa Claus?
Andre Jenson: You don’t have to believe in Santa Claus! He’s as real as a Dragon! A beholder! Even perhaps a Kentuckian!
Cindy: Wait, a-
Cindy is suddenly cut off as there is the sound of commotion, several of the elves suddenly have surrounded the duo, brandishing weapons of every variety and looks that could kill all on their own.
Andre Jenson: Oh no…they’re back.
Cindy: Who’s back? What’s going on??
Andre Jenson: Stand back Sandy!
Cindy: Cindy.
Andre Jenson: I know a dwarf that means business when I smell one!
The elves pull off their hats to reveal long beards! The same dwarves that kidnapped Jenson have returned to ruin Christmas!
Andre Jenson: Nobody ruins Christmas on Santa’s watch!
Jenson quickly grabs a large candy cane decoration, brandishing it like a sabre as he flings himself screaming onto the elves!
…Leading of course to a scream of terror from the girls and a rousing cheer from the boys.
Andre slams the decoration onto dwarven noggins and kicks them like he’s going for a field goal as a small contingent make their way to the bag, slicing it open to steal the presents contained within!
But suddenly Teo emerges from the bag with a leap, brandishing a green toy lightsaber! He swings the weapon with wild abandon at his attackers, knocking their legs out from under them as he jumps over back to back with his tag team partner.
Andre Jenson: I was wondering what took you so long.
Teo del Sol: Well, you know how I like to make an entrance.
Teo grabs Andre’s arm and whips him like a cannonball, where he takes out a bunch of the elves like bowling pins! They go flying off the stage in every direction as the children continue to cheer excitedly. The dwarves try to retreat but find themselves caught in a mélange of peppermint punishment and lightsaber swings!
The two heroes continue to dispatch their attackers, taking every moment available to hurl toys over the eager crowd of children as Cindy turns back to her cameraman.
Cindy Scoopwater: Back to you, Smiley.
Kuno: That was certainly something, wasn't it? Those two are such pranksters; but now onto the second Guardian segment of the night, these guys sure are getting into the Christmas spirit, aren’t they?~
Alex Richards appears.. but not where you would expect a Christmas celebration to take place. He appears to be at one of his favorite Chinese Buffets which happens to be open Christmas.
Alex Richards: I know what you're expecting. Chestnuts roasting over an open fire. Or at least me dying this delicious orange chicken I'm having red and green in honor of the season. But I gotta be honest. I don't really like Christmas all that much.
Alex shrugs.
Alex Richards: I know.. I know. But Santa Claus doesn't visit anymore since I kicked his not so jolly ass earlier this year. You guys remember that, right? Well I'm sure video footage of it still exists if you're curious. And besides all that.. there isn't any turkey in Chinese cooking, Kung Pao Turkey? Turkey balls? Not a thing according to the Chef here. Becky is allergic to Christmas Trees, and fake trees suck. I even tried hanging some pine air fresheners on it I stole out of cabs. Apparently that pissed off this Marc guy. But besides that it's just not the same. But I did find something to brighten up the holidays.
Alex reaches under the table and pulls out.. a gallon jug of egg nog.
Alex Richards: Here's a Christmas secret for you courtesy the Archduke of Mass Confusion. If you're gonna visit your family you got to drink but some people, like my brother Zach's wife, might judge you. So here's what you do.. get yourself a jug of egg nog,dump half of it out, then fill it up with moonshine!
Alex takes a big swig out of his jug.
Alex Richards: Merry fucking Christmas everybody!
Kuno looks into the camera, ears perked up in confusion.
Kuno: I guess everyone celebrates christmas in their own way…. Merry cough-ing Christmas to you too, Richards.
He blushes at the vulgarity.
Kuno: And now, a tale from everyone’s old pal, Petrov!
Boy: Is this it?! Did you get me it?!
The young blonde boy with his chocolate smeared grin ogled the creases and curves of the festively wrapped rectangle, his chin at a tilt and his eyes directed towards the equally excited mother and father.
Mom: Go on, honey, open it up!
His tiny fingers fumbled for a second before engaging in wild, paper tearing fury. From the mess of Santa print tissue came the sleek looking box of technological wonder.
Boy: It’s!....it’s!...
The boy’s expression quickly faded, drooping worse than grandma’s tits. This, this is when the dream died.
Boy: An...Amazon...Fire..
Dad: You wanted a tablet, didn’t you?..
Boy: A tablet? A TABLET?! I wanted a fucking iPad, not a fucking Amazon Fire, you uncultured cunt!
Mom: Language, young man!
Dad: It’s practically the same thing..
Boy: Same thing? Are you fucking kidding me, Richard?
With this stunning show of pessimistic expression well beyond that of most people his age, the spoiled little shit marched himself up the creaking wood stairs, making sure to slam his foot down with each motion for dramatic effect. After a scurrying of footsteps down an unseen upstairs hallway, the house is interrupted by the slamming of a bedroom door as mom and dad drop into their respective ass worn sides of the couch.
Dad: Where did we go wrong?..
Mom: I was young and stupid, fucking pro-life pamphlets...
Dad: …
Mom: Too harsh?
Dad: No, but the bourbon might be.
This retort comes laced with coughing and light gagging as aged, dark liquor floods the man’s oral cavity.
Mom: How about giving me a bit of that holiday cheer?
Dad: One glass of testicle fur serum coming right up!
The man reaches to his side table, dumping a fair amount of alcohol into a small glass for his wife.
THUD
Mom: What the hell was that?
The husband shrugs his shoulders, motioning in a way meant to disregard the sound.
Dad: I’m sure it’s nothing, probably just that gay teen boy from down the street getting hit with a snowball.
Mom: Hmm...you’re probably right.
Dad: Of course I am, I mean, I’m a man, aren’t I?
ha.
Haha.
HAH!
(Translation: I know this isn’t the 50’s, but I like my traditions traditional, dammit. Now where’s my steak, dumb whore? #FuckStarbucks)
The woman snuggles herself into her husband’s chest, smiling as she adjusts for maximum comfort. Her hand reaches towards her husband’s, grabbing hold of the fresh glass of sweet freedom which she quickly ingests, ready to get through the holidays the same way as her mom and her mom before her.
THUD
Dad: Man, they’re really giving that queer child a pounding. That’ll teach him not to sin on my holiday.
As the two close their eyes and begin to relax in the presence of one another, knowing their snot nosed little shit will be preoccupied with pillow screaming and bed post kicking for the next hour or so, the loud scratch of needle procreates on a vinyl surface, giving birth to a loud pop. The two middle aged bigots reopen an eye each like predator’s from the Looney Toon’s universe.
Mom: Haven’t ran the record player in years.
Dad: Hmm...that’s odd..
Their curiosity is met with the sound of a familiar holiday tune.
Silent night..
Holy night..
All is calm..
All is bright..
Mom: The Christmas collection. Oh, how typical..
Dad: I’ll check it out.
The man pushes off the sofa, rising to his feet before walking towards a small recreational room where the sound emanates from.
Round yon virgin..
Mother..
and child..
Holy infant so tender and mild…
Sleep in hea-
His eyebrow rises as he lifts a finger up under the tonearm, silencing the music.
Dad: Hello?
Silence.
Dad: I got it, honey!
Silence.
Dad: Honey?
…
His feet tread back across the hardwood floor, shooting a gaze towards the back of the living room couch.
Dad: Did you fall asleep already?
Silence.
Dad: Honey?
As he steps around the right arm of the furniture, the man sees a seat with no occupant. He spins around the room, panic filling his mind as his eyes frantically search for his wife.
Dad: Honey?!
THUD
THUD
THUD
Dad: Honey?!?
…..
…..
…..
……
…
..
A supernatural blast comes crashing against the foundation of the house, causing fireplace bricks to litter the ground like Parkinson’s Jenga.
…
THUD
THUD
THUD
THUD
A large, muscular figure steps into the living room area, smacking a rugged strap of aged leather across the nearby drywall, causing it’s attached bells and spikes to shake and jingle as the husband looks on in awe.
Man: I...I...don’t want any trouble..
The husband looks across the room, spotting his wife who is completely naked on her hands and knees.
Man: No! Don’t!
The muscular man lifts the leather once more, this time above the naked rear of his spouse.
Man: Please!
The woman looks towards the muscular frame with captivation and ecstasy in her eyes as the strap is slammed against her bare bottom which causes a loud yelp.
(Translation: Get cucked)
Man: Oh god no..
: Fuck you god, buddy. Is only Petrov.
The husband staggers back, his heart rate increasing at the sound of figure’s intimidating Russian sounding accent.
Petrov: You two, you are rotten assholes. You know what happen to rotten assholes where Petrov is from? They make list, the list of pussy fucks!
PEN CLICK
Man: Not the list!
Tears stream down the man’s face as Petrov Claus jots down two names on his tab of paper.
Petrov: Your son, he is biggest pussy fuck of all. He ask diabetic Hogwarts fuck for WiiU and new Finding Dory. Secret Life of Pets is best movie of Holiday gifts. Fuck this child.
PEN CLICK: THE SEQUEL
Man: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
The lights flicker out as we hear another loud
...
THUD
Stairs creak again as the blonde-headed boy sleepily finds his way towards the downstairs area, his right side gently leaned against the banister for support.
Boy: Mom? Dad?
Silence.
Boy: Did Santa come yet?
Silence.
Boy: Hello?..
….
….
….
….
…
His eyes shoot open in horror at the scene taking place in the living room.
Boy: MOM! DAD!
Stood before the boy is the muscular foreigner with his mother placed atop his shoulders.
Boy: What are you doing to my mom?!
The figure looks towards the boy, shooting a pissed off look in is direction.
Petrov: You leave skim milk and sugar cookie out for Petrov every year. Petrov sick of this bullshit. You think I like taste of cow water and shitty desert for people who can’t cook?
….
Petrov: Fuck you, buddy.
With this, the figure drives down through the coffee table with a vicious powerbomb.
Petrov: As for father..
The figure turns his head to the father whose rectum appears to gape like a wishing well coated in seminal fluid.
Boy: What...what have you done?!
The figure steps to the child, looking down at him with deep, dark eyes.
Petrov: As for you, you will receive it worst of all.
The child’s eyes squeeze shut as his body shakes.
Boy: Don’t hurt me...please...I take it all back! I’m sorry!
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
The boy blinks a few times, his eyelids opening a bit more each time before opening more completely. He gazes around a now empty room before spotting a brand new iPad sitting under the tree, a big red bow placed in the top righthand corner of it’s screen. His eyes light up instantly as he hears his parents chatting in the other room.
Mom: You gonna come eat, sweetie?
His grin grows at the sound of his mother’s voice makes him breathe a sigh of relief.
Boy: Yeah! Just a minute, mom!
He moves to the tree, dropping down to his knees as he lifts the device up and removes the bow. His fingers run across the smooth surface and eventually reach a small button which he pushes in.
Boy: No...it can’t be..
To the boy’s horror, the display speaks to him directly. Every page and every app displaying the same bold phrase repeated over and over.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
He goes to scream but fails to find his voice as the feint sound of Silent Night can be heard coming from the family’s record player.
Kuno is staring at the camera in shock, his ears flat against his black hair
Kuno: Wha- wha-...
He shakes his head for a moment, muttering something akin to “you knew this might happen.
Kuno: well, our last greeting for tonight is from everyone's favorite former Rising Stars Champion, “Showtime” Sebastian Reid!!!
The camera opens to an empty wrestling school arena. There are Christmas lights hung along the ropes and tinsel Lining the rafters. As the camera pans, a multitude of wrestlers of various sizes, colors and gender. In the center of the bunch stands former Rising Stars champion Sebastian Reid.
“Growing up, my Christmases weren't the greatest. My family couldn't afford much and I was lucky to get a t-shirt. Now, I can buy a gift for every one of my students and still give to charity. But that's not important. What's important is, Here at ALPHA, we are a family. Every year, we get together on Christmas Eve and cook out. No character. No Kayfabe. A real family. Merry Christmas,UCI.”
Now the whole crowd speaks in unison.
“And God bless everyone!”
Kuno: And that was the last greeting that we had for all you lovely fans, but before i leave you, i would like to personally wish you…
He says the words as they appear on the screen...
The words:
A Very
Christmas
UCI
Are slammed down in the middle of them; before the screen fades to Kuno standing in a very… unique christmas scene, a tree with Barbed wire rather than glitter, a nativity scene depicting an Angel and a couple fighting three wise men in a baby-on-a-pole match and
Kuno himself is wearing what appears to be some form of of Rudolph cosplay, nose painted red and with reindeer horns behind his ears.
Kuno: HELLOOOO, UCI GALAXYYYY
For once the SFX of a crowd cheering is quite tastefully added, perhaps having the entire editing department of UCI makes way for better quality…
Kuno: As you probably know, UCI is off this week, but just in case you missed us just too much, we have a number of christmas greetings from your favorite UCI superstars. The first of these is former Intercontinental Campion and current Tag-team champion, Bonnie Blue, along with a… special guest.
A chibi version of the woman pops up in the corner of the screen, along with her name along the bottom.
Kuno: Take it away Bonnie-chan!~
The camera tight-focuses on the carbonite-bound image of Wentworth Updegraff, Jr., then pans out to reveal the figure adorned with festive multicolored lights and wound around with a sparkling tinsel garland. Seated in a plain folding chair just in front of him is Bonnie Blue, clad in the latest apparel from UCIshop.com: a brand-new blue hoodie with the Intercontinental belt printed around the waist, and a Santa hat embroidered with the UCI logo. She salutes the viewer with a cup of eggnog, smiling cheerfully.
Bonnie Blue: Howdy an' happy holidays, UCI fans! As y'all can see, 'Worthless here's gotten into the spirit of things -- an' how could I do any less? We've all come such a long way together, in such a very short time. We of the United Championship Infinite couldn'ta done none of it without the love an' support of y'all comin' to our shows or watchin' at home... buyin' our merchandise...
With an exaggerated wink, she indicates the hoodie.
Bonnie Blue: So on behalf of the Guardians, let me just say thank you to all the millions an' millions of UCI faithful out there. Twenty-Sixteen was one hell of a year; here's to Twenty-Seventeen bein' even better! From all of us here in Chicago, we're wishing y'all a very merry Christmas an' a happy New Year!
Instrumental holiday music starts to play as Bonnie offers the camera another beaming smile. She looks up and feigns surprise, pointing to indicate something overhead. The camera pans up -- it's mistletoe! With a mischievous wink, the young blonde shrugs and stands up, leaning toward Wentworth's metallic face, which somehow looks even more annoyed than usual. The entire scene freezes just as Bonnie's lips touch his. A border of bright green holly appears around the screen, followed by the words "Happy Holidays" in sparkling red.
The screen is back to Kuno, who is now blushing profusely
Kuno: T-thanks, Bonnie-chan; that was very festive of you.
Kuno: But it’s not only our champions have sent you all messages, our own Karlie Nash has sent us a little message of her own, along with her manager, Tracy Dixon.
Karlie Nash is Standing in her front yard, she is placing lights on the tree. she turns to the camera.
Karlie: Hello Everyone, I'm Karlie Nash, but you all know that of course, anyway with the holidays upon us I would like to wish the UCI universe a safe and happy Christmas, and enjoyable New Year.
Tracy Dixon is sitting in front of her fire place wearing one of those ugly Christmas sweaters, she's sipping on a cup of hot chocolate.
Tracy: Hello Y'all, greetings from Music City, Nashville Tennessee, I'm Tracy Dixon, and I would like to take this time to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a happy joyous New Year.
Kuno: Thanks, Karlie, that was just lovely, it’s good to see that everyone is getting into the Christmas spirit!
Kuno: This next message comes from somewhere close to my heart, my own friends from Otakuul are here to give you their Christmas greeting.
Moe Stars: Merii Kurisumasu!~
The group is standing in Adam’s apartment, which is decorated in a cacophony of colors, clearly there has been some disagreement over what colors to use.
The Hentai Prince: And a happy new year to all our fans out there, and even to those who aren’t fans.
Brawler: And of course, Happy Holidays to those who don’t celebrate Christmas!
Biyaku: Last, but certainly not least, we wish that all of you competing in Evil Santa, an overwhelming….
The group extend their arms into the air
Otakuul: VIC-TORY! VIC-TORY! VIC-TORY!!!
Kuno: Thanks guys, that was great!
Kuno: And now we have a very special guest who sent us a message, good old Santa Claus himself!
Santa is sitting on his big red chair in his living room having a nice cup of hot coco. Before he even gets up, Andre bashes his living room door drenched in elf organs, and blood. A chainsaw is held tightly in his hands leaving Santa to lean back into the chair with fear poisoning his eyes as he looks at the infuriated Andre Holmes revving the engine of the chainsaw.
Andre Holmes: YOU! YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A FUCKING PONY WHEN I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD YOU DIABETIC OBESE FAT FUCK!
Santa Claus: B-B-B-B-B-But you were on the naughty list. It's the rules of Christmas!
Andre Holmes: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAS! DIE YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
Kuno: ANDRE NO! DON’T DO IT!!!~
Kuno looks around in shock, slowly calming down when he realizes that there is nothing he can do.
Kuno: W-well, everyone celebrates Christmas in their own way, i suppose; and that includes Andre Jenson and Teo Del Sol.
Kuno frowns slightly at the names before cheering up again.
Kuno: Two men I’ve had some disagreements with, but it’s Christmas, so all is forgiven… for now.
Kuno smiles mischievously as the camera fades to black
The scene suddenly changes to outside, where the happily reformed Two Gents, Teo del Sol and Andre Jenson, have assembled a grand spectacle of holiday cheer for all to see. Children are lined up for blocks around as the live entertainment blasts another rendition of “Jingle Bell Rock” for what is probably the 347th time this half hour, and a menagerie of red and green tinsel sparkles brightly above a crowded stage.
And on top of it all, wearing bright red Santa Claus suits, sit the Two Gents, welcoming children to the winter wonderland as a somewhat surly looking group of elves usher them onto the stage.
As each child crosses the stage, Andre Jenson sweeps into a gigantic bag and produces a brand new toy, his recent acquisition of the Target stores no doubt leaving him with an excess of merchandise for such uses.
Andre Jenson: Here you go little girl, a Unicorn!
Teo del Sol: I think that’s a boy, Andre.
Child: Sweet a Unicorn!
Andre Jenson: Close enough. Merry Christmas!
Sol reaches into the bag, pulling out what appears to be a greatly overstuffed goat, so large that it is really more of an orb. He stares at it and returns it to the bag as the next child eagerly scampers across the stage.
Meanwhile, a flustered looking reporter for the local news stumbles past a group of security guards, microphone in hand.
Security: Hey lady, kids only!
Interviewer: Listen bub, my name is Cindy Scoopwater, and I will not be pushed around when there’s a story to be had!
Security: Let her go, the Gents can take care of themselves, and besides…it’s Christmas!
Teo begins rummaging through the bag, and Jenson laughs with a hardy “Ho ho ho!” as he slaps his tag partner on the back…
Resulting in Teo falling head first into the massive bag, which swallows him up as it rears its open end upward. Jenson stares in momentary surprise, before scratching his head quizzically as he attempts to figure out how to retrieve Teo.
However, before he has too long to ponder, a new visitor suddenly grabs his attention as Cindy approaches our debonair merrymaker.
Cindy: Cindy Scoopwater here for your local news, and my goodness what a festive spirit we have here today! Noted philanthropist Andre Jenson has invited what appears to be countless children to experience the holidays in style here this morning!
Andre Jenson: Here you go little girl, a unicorn!
Andre thrusts a stuffed animal into Cindy’s hands, the reporter stares at it in momentary confusion as Andre continues to hand out his remaining toys obliviously.
Cindy: No Mr. Jenson, I’m here for an interview.
Andre Jenson: I’ve never heard of a toy with that name.
Cindy: Uh…
Andre Jenson: Just a bit of Claus humor ma’am, I’d be happy to give an interview, except my tag team partner has currently fallen a bit too far into the Christmas spirit.
A muffled “I heard that!” can be heard through the walls of the giant bag.
Cindy: Is that Teo in there?
Andre Jenson: I certainly hope so. That green fellow was rather persistent. Couple of chair shots took care of him though!
Cindy: Green…fellow?
Andre hands a pile of toys to the next child to walk across the stage, countless varieties of Hobbit Action figures.
Andre Jenson: Stunning number of mistakes there, so you get extras. Never met a hobbit in my life looked like that, and I’ve met hundreds.
Cindy: So anyway, about the interview..?
Andre Jenson: Oh right, so as I was saying, I’d be happy to give you an interview later, like everyone else, but Christmas is about making sure that we don’t ruin the magic for these wonderful and possibly impressionable children.
Cindy: So you want them to believe in Santa Claus?
Andre Jenson: You don’t have to believe in Santa Claus! He’s as real as a Dragon! A beholder! Even perhaps a Kentuckian!
Cindy: Wait, a-
Cindy is suddenly cut off as there is the sound of commotion, several of the elves suddenly have surrounded the duo, brandishing weapons of every variety and looks that could kill all on their own.
Andre Jenson: Oh no…they’re back.
Cindy: Who’s back? What’s going on??
Andre Jenson: Stand back Sandy!
Cindy: Cindy.
Andre Jenson: I know a dwarf that means business when I smell one!
The elves pull off their hats to reveal long beards! The same dwarves that kidnapped Jenson have returned to ruin Christmas!
Andre Jenson: Nobody ruins Christmas on Santa’s watch!
Jenson quickly grabs a large candy cane decoration, brandishing it like a sabre as he flings himself screaming onto the elves!
…Leading of course to a scream of terror from the girls and a rousing cheer from the boys.
Andre slams the decoration onto dwarven noggins and kicks them like he’s going for a field goal as a small contingent make their way to the bag, slicing it open to steal the presents contained within!
But suddenly Teo emerges from the bag with a leap, brandishing a green toy lightsaber! He swings the weapon with wild abandon at his attackers, knocking their legs out from under them as he jumps over back to back with his tag team partner.
Andre Jenson: I was wondering what took you so long.
Teo del Sol: Well, you know how I like to make an entrance.
Teo grabs Andre’s arm and whips him like a cannonball, where he takes out a bunch of the elves like bowling pins! They go flying off the stage in every direction as the children continue to cheer excitedly. The dwarves try to retreat but find themselves caught in a mélange of peppermint punishment and lightsaber swings!
The two heroes continue to dispatch their attackers, taking every moment available to hurl toys over the eager crowd of children as Cindy turns back to her cameraman.
Cindy Scoopwater: Back to you, Smiley.
Kuno: That was certainly something, wasn't it? Those two are such pranksters; but now onto the second Guardian segment of the night, these guys sure are getting into the Christmas spirit, aren’t they?~
Alex Richards appears.. but not where you would expect a Christmas celebration to take place. He appears to be at one of his favorite Chinese Buffets which happens to be open Christmas.
Alex Richards: I know what you're expecting. Chestnuts roasting over an open fire. Or at least me dying this delicious orange chicken I'm having red and green in honor of the season. But I gotta be honest. I don't really like Christmas all that much.
Alex shrugs.
Alex Richards: I know.. I know. But Santa Claus doesn't visit anymore since I kicked his not so jolly ass earlier this year. You guys remember that, right? Well I'm sure video footage of it still exists if you're curious. And besides all that.. there isn't any turkey in Chinese cooking, Kung Pao Turkey? Turkey balls? Not a thing according to the Chef here. Becky is allergic to Christmas Trees, and fake trees suck. I even tried hanging some pine air fresheners on it I stole out of cabs. Apparently that pissed off this Marc guy. But besides that it's just not the same. But I did find something to brighten up the holidays.
Alex reaches under the table and pulls out.. a gallon jug of egg nog.
Alex Richards: Here's a Christmas secret for you courtesy the Archduke of Mass Confusion. If you're gonna visit your family you got to drink but some people, like my brother Zach's wife, might judge you. So here's what you do.. get yourself a jug of egg nog,dump half of it out, then fill it up with moonshine!
Alex takes a big swig out of his jug.
Alex Richards: Merry fucking Christmas everybody!
Kuno looks into the camera, ears perked up in confusion.
Kuno: I guess everyone celebrates christmas in their own way…. Merry cough-ing Christmas to you too, Richards.
He blushes at the vulgarity.
Kuno: And now, a tale from everyone’s old pal, Petrov!
Boy: Is this it?! Did you get me it?!
The young blonde boy with his chocolate smeared grin ogled the creases and curves of the festively wrapped rectangle, his chin at a tilt and his eyes directed towards the equally excited mother and father.
Mom: Go on, honey, open it up!
His tiny fingers fumbled for a second before engaging in wild, paper tearing fury. From the mess of Santa print tissue came the sleek looking box of technological wonder.
Boy: It’s!....it’s!...
The boy’s expression quickly faded, drooping worse than grandma’s tits. This, this is when the dream died.
Boy: An...Amazon...Fire..
Dad: You wanted a tablet, didn’t you?..
Boy: A tablet? A TABLET?! I wanted a fucking iPad, not a fucking Amazon Fire, you uncultured cunt!
Mom: Language, young man!
Dad: It’s practically the same thing..
Boy: Same thing? Are you fucking kidding me, Richard?
With this stunning show of pessimistic expression well beyond that of most people his age, the spoiled little shit marched himself up the creaking wood stairs, making sure to slam his foot down with each motion for dramatic effect. After a scurrying of footsteps down an unseen upstairs hallway, the house is interrupted by the slamming of a bedroom door as mom and dad drop into their respective ass worn sides of the couch.
Dad: Where did we go wrong?..
Mom: I was young and stupid, fucking pro-life pamphlets...
Dad: …
Mom: Too harsh?
Dad: No, but the bourbon might be.
This retort comes laced with coughing and light gagging as aged, dark liquor floods the man’s oral cavity.
Mom: How about giving me a bit of that holiday cheer?
Dad: One glass of testicle fur serum coming right up!
The man reaches to his side table, dumping a fair amount of alcohol into a small glass for his wife.
THUD
Mom: What the hell was that?
The husband shrugs his shoulders, motioning in a way meant to disregard the sound.
Dad: I’m sure it’s nothing, probably just that gay teen boy from down the street getting hit with a snowball.
Mom: Hmm...you’re probably right.
Dad: Of course I am, I mean, I’m a man, aren’t I?
ha.
Haha.
HAH!
(Translation: I know this isn’t the 50’s, but I like my traditions traditional, dammit. Now where’s my steak, dumb whore? #FuckStarbucks)
The woman snuggles herself into her husband’s chest, smiling as she adjusts for maximum comfort. Her hand reaches towards her husband’s, grabbing hold of the fresh glass of sweet freedom which she quickly ingests, ready to get through the holidays the same way as her mom and her mom before her.
THUD
Dad: Man, they’re really giving that queer child a pounding. That’ll teach him not to sin on my holiday.
As the two close their eyes and begin to relax in the presence of one another, knowing their snot nosed little shit will be preoccupied with pillow screaming and bed post kicking for the next hour or so, the loud scratch of needle procreates on a vinyl surface, giving birth to a loud pop. The two middle aged bigots reopen an eye each like predator’s from the Looney Toon’s universe.
Mom: Haven’t ran the record player in years.
Dad: Hmm...that’s odd..
Their curiosity is met with the sound of a familiar holiday tune.
Silent night..
Holy night..
All is calm..
All is bright..
Mom: The Christmas collection. Oh, how typical..
Dad: I’ll check it out.
The man pushes off the sofa, rising to his feet before walking towards a small recreational room where the sound emanates from.
Round yon virgin..
Mother..
and child..
Holy infant so tender and mild…
Sleep in hea-
His eyebrow rises as he lifts a finger up under the tonearm, silencing the music.
Dad: Hello?
Silence.
Dad: I got it, honey!
Silence.
Dad: Honey?
…
His feet tread back across the hardwood floor, shooting a gaze towards the back of the living room couch.
Dad: Did you fall asleep already?
Silence.
Dad: Honey?
As he steps around the right arm of the furniture, the man sees a seat with no occupant. He spins around the room, panic filling his mind as his eyes frantically search for his wife.
Dad: Honey?!
THUD
THUD
THUD
Dad: Honey?!?
…..
…..
…..
……
…
..
A supernatural blast comes crashing against the foundation of the house, causing fireplace bricks to litter the ground like Parkinson’s Jenga.
…
THUD
THUD
THUD
THUD
A large, muscular figure steps into the living room area, smacking a rugged strap of aged leather across the nearby drywall, causing it’s attached bells and spikes to shake and jingle as the husband looks on in awe.
Man: I...I...don’t want any trouble..
The husband looks across the room, spotting his wife who is completely naked on her hands and knees.
Man: No! Don’t!
The muscular man lifts the leather once more, this time above the naked rear of his spouse.
Man: Please!
The woman looks towards the muscular frame with captivation and ecstasy in her eyes as the strap is slammed against her bare bottom which causes a loud yelp.
(Translation: Get cucked)
Man: Oh god no..
: Fuck you god, buddy. Is only Petrov.The husband staggers back, his heart rate increasing at the sound of figure’s intimidating Russian sounding accent.
Petrov: You two, you are rotten assholes. You know what happen to rotten assholes where Petrov is from? They make list, the list of pussy fucks!
PEN CLICK
Man: Not the list!
Tears stream down the man’s face as Petrov Claus jots down two names on his tab of paper.
Petrov: Your son, he is biggest pussy fuck of all. He ask diabetic Hogwarts fuck for WiiU and new Finding Dory. Secret Life of Pets is best movie of Holiday gifts. Fuck this child.
PEN CLICK: THE SEQUEL
Man: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
The lights flicker out as we hear another loud
...
THUD
Stairs creak again as the blonde-headed boy sleepily finds his way towards the downstairs area, his right side gently leaned against the banister for support.
Boy: Mom? Dad?
Silence.
Boy: Did Santa come yet?
Silence.
Boy: Hello?..
….
….
….
….
…
His eyes shoot open in horror at the scene taking place in the living room.
Boy: MOM! DAD!
Stood before the boy is the muscular foreigner with his mother placed atop his shoulders.
Boy: What are you doing to my mom?!
The figure looks towards the boy, shooting a pissed off look in is direction.
Petrov: You leave skim milk and sugar cookie out for Petrov every year. Petrov sick of this bullshit. You think I like taste of cow water and shitty desert for people who can’t cook?
….
Petrov: Fuck you, buddy.
With this, the figure drives down through the coffee table with a vicious powerbomb.
Petrov: As for father..
The figure turns his head to the father whose rectum appears to gape like a wishing well coated in seminal fluid.
Boy: What...what have you done?!
The figure steps to the child, looking down at him with deep, dark eyes.
Petrov: As for you, you will receive it worst of all.
The child’s eyes squeeze shut as his body shakes.
Boy: Don’t hurt me...please...I take it all back! I’m sorry!
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
The boy blinks a few times, his eyelids opening a bit more each time before opening more completely. He gazes around a now empty room before spotting a brand new iPad sitting under the tree, a big red bow placed in the top righthand corner of it’s screen. His eyes light up instantly as he hears his parents chatting in the other room.
Mom: You gonna come eat, sweetie?
His grin grows at the sound of his mother’s voice makes him breathe a sigh of relief.
Boy: Yeah! Just a minute, mom!
He moves to the tree, dropping down to his knees as he lifts the device up and removes the bow. His fingers run across the smooth surface and eventually reach a small button which he pushes in.
Boy: No...it can’t be..
To the boy’s horror, the display speaks to him directly. Every page and every app displaying the same bold phrase repeated over and over.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY. FUCK YOU, BUDDY.
He goes to scream but fails to find his voice as the feint sound of Silent Night can be heard coming from the family’s record player.
Kuno is staring at the camera in shock, his ears flat against his black hair
Kuno: Wha- wha-...
He shakes his head for a moment, muttering something akin to “you knew this might happen.
Kuno: well, our last greeting for tonight is from everyone's favorite former Rising Stars Champion, “Showtime” Sebastian Reid!!!
The camera opens to an empty wrestling school arena. There are Christmas lights hung along the ropes and tinsel Lining the rafters. As the camera pans, a multitude of wrestlers of various sizes, colors and gender. In the center of the bunch stands former Rising Stars champion Sebastian Reid.
“Growing up, my Christmases weren't the greatest. My family couldn't afford much and I was lucky to get a t-shirt. Now, I can buy a gift for every one of my students and still give to charity. But that's not important. What's important is, Here at ALPHA, we are a family. Every year, we get together on Christmas Eve and cook out. No character. No Kayfabe. A real family. Merry Christmas,UCI.”
Now the whole crowd speaks in unison.
“And God bless everyone!”
Kuno: And that was the last greeting that we had for all you lovely fans, but before i leave you, i would like to personally wish you…
He says the words as they appear on the screen...
A Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!