Nickelodeon Presents: Double Dare, The UCI Edition!
Oct 23, 2016 21:58:21 GMT -6
Crow McMorris, Bonnie Blue, and 3 more like this
Post by Results on Oct 23, 2016 21:58:21 GMT -6
[This episode has been brought to you by Atreyu Industries.]
The screen is black before fading into a worn VHS-styled footage of an early Double Dare episode, starting with the infamous opening tone that started the majority of Double Dare broadcasts. (Source: The Solid Rocks vs. The Gak Pack [1990])
Marc Summers (overly reverbed): On your mark!
The footage fades out to "ON YOUR MARK" in bold red letters against a black background before fading back into a slow motion shot of a bucket of rubber chickens as the camera zooms out to reveal the competitors.
Marc Summers (reverb continues): Get set!
As with before, "GET SET" fades in with bold red letters and a black background before fading into a shot of two people (one in blue and the other in read) with birdcages upon their head.
Marc Summers (reverb dramatics still): GOOOOOOO!
The shot fades away to more modern looking footage of an empty Double Dare set as the ruckus of the old episode plays on with old tape ghosting in and out occasionally. The set is shrouded in shadows until high powered lights turn on and send beams down, creating a majestic quality. The sounds dies down as the footage of the empty set fade away to Marc Summers sitting in front of the camera documentary style with a blurry living room in the background.
Marc Summers: When UCI approached us to do a one-time only revival of Double Dare to be broadcasted across the world, we were more than happy to jump in. Honestly, the whole experience has been amazing. I mean, I was a bit hesitant when I heard the contestants would include Team Rekless, being they've been having a lot of problems getting a long lately, but Mister Atreyu assured me that this experience was sure to help bring them together to become a solid unit. How could I refuse?
Hard cut to Andre Holmes sitting cross armed in front of the camera with a gym in the background.
Andre Holmes: Bullshit... Not sure who green lit that shit, but it was bullshit. I hate Jack. The whole thing, including this, is stupid.
Hard cut to the team of Otakuul sitting together in the UCI looker room with The Hentai Prince in the center.
The Hentai Prince: For the last couple weeks, we, THE OTAKUUL, have been working diligently to try and unite Team Rekless. Now, some people have been asking us why we, THE OTAKUUL, as a team, would want to empower the current Tag Team Champions when we're currently in the running for contendership. Well, we, THE OTAKUUL, refuse to take the easy win. When we gain our victories, we want to make sure it was earned, and for that to be the case, we have to get our opponents at their best! So, once Andre and Jack can work together cohesively as a team, we'll know it'll be time for...VIC-TORY!
All three members throw their hands into the air.
Otakuul: VIC-TORY!
It cuts to Jack Schlongson on the set of "Ass Sass In Creed" with one leg over the other and an elbow resting on his wrist while his head rests in the upturned palm.
Jack Schlongson: As most of you know, I'm currently protesting competing in UCI. When I was told about the whole 'Double Dare' revival thing and how it would be a UCI exclusive I was...hesitant, but when I was told that the prize money would go to a charity of our own choice, I decided to do the right thing and compete for the sake of my people. If my team had won, the money would go to The True Colors fund, an organization dedicated to end Youth LGBT homelessness. Also, it wouldn't hurt to get to work alongside my honeybear Andre again after so many weeks of him avoiding me.
Cuts back to Marc Summers.
Marc Summers: The charity aspect really help pull this whole thing together to be more than just a publicity stunt. I think without it, the show wouldn't have gone as well as it did.
Cuts to Andre.
Andre Holmes: That charity shit was the only reason I showed up. How you going to make all this shit last minute and then make me the bad guy for not showing up? Just more bullshit. Either way, my charity of choice was the Make-A-Wish foundation. If was I going to stand beside that walking piece of shit, Jack Schlongson, it wasn't going to be for his stupid ass.
Cuts to Otakuul.
The Hentai Prince: When we, THE OTAKUUL, were told about the winnings would go to a good cause of our choice, we knew it wouldn't be enough to simply donate the money, we would have to MAKE the charity! And, a mere 24 hours before the recording, The Otakuul formed the Kawaii Super-Friends Neko Charity, a charity dedicated to helping Neko-boys and Neko-Girls get back on their feet and escape the abuse they face on a daily basis!
Interviewer: How did you manage to form the charity in twenty four hours and get it approved by the company?
Kuno Kenji: That's the efficient-ness of The Otakuul! Focused as a team, we can accomplish anything!
Kuno Kenji smiles wide as he holds out the 'V for Victory' sign, turning to a freeze frame before fading to Marc Summers.
Marc Summers: Unfortunately, not every team can be as cohesive The Otakuul, Team Rekless very much being one of them. Even before we were on set, Andre was ready to take Jack's head clean off.
Cut to hidden footage of a confrontation between Jack and Andre.
Andre Holmes: Get this through you thick skull, Jack! Stay! The! Fuck! Away! From! Me!
Jack Schlongson: Oh, honey, this is a team effort! We need to work together.
Andre Holmes: I don't give a fuck.
Jack Schlongson: That's the whole point, though. Benjamin Atreyu was nice enough to orchestrate this whole thing to help as grow as a tag team.
Andre Holmes: Don't give a fuck.
Jack Schlongson: C'mon, hun-buns.
Andre Holmes: Don't.
Jack Schlongson: But-
Andre Holmes: Give.
Jack Schlongson: Please-
Andre Holmes: A.
Jack Schlongson: Don't-
Andre Holmes: Fuck.
Jack Schlongson: But how are we supposed to win that money for our respective causes if we don't work together?
Andre Holmes: Look, just like in the ring, I don't need you. You can be dead weight for all I care, I'll still win this motherfucker. I mean, I am the tag team champions after all.
Andre Holmes walks away, leaving Jack shaking his head before the footage cuts to the brightly lit Double Dare set with all the aforementioned competitors standing ready at their podiums and Marc Summers at center stage with Benjamin Atreyu.
Marc Summers: Ladies and gentlemen, we are happy to have you joining us for this one time only event! UCI and Nickelodian studios, along with Atreyu Industries, have joined forces to create DOUBLE DARE: UCI EDITION, letting two teams compete for a prize of $300,000 to be donated to the winners' charities of choice. Before we introduce our competitors, I would like to introduce you to the man at my side who helped organize this event, Benjamin Atreyu.
Benjamin Atreyu: Thank you, Mister Summers, it was my pleasure. As many of our UCI fans will know, for the last couple of months, Team Rekless' relationship has been, at best, a bit rocky. Despite their continued success and current reign as tag team champions, it seems that the two have been at odds, despite Jack's constant affection and open mind.
Andre Holmes: Fuck you too, Atreyu.
Benjamin Atreyu: As you can see, Andre's behavior, while open and honest, is rather volatile to say the least, and this behavior has most recently lead to the removal of Jack Schlongson's name from the lineage of the aforementioned Tag Team Titles, which, in turn, has forced Jack's hand to protest against the company who approved Andre's request.
Andre Holmes: He did it first when he gave us that fucking stupid name Team Rekless.
Jack Schlongson: All cosmetic, deary. I was just helping, you were the one out to hurt me.
Andre Holmes: No one was talking to you.
Bishonen Brawler: You know, Andre, maybe if you cared, you could keep a team mate for more than a few months.
Andre Holmes: I will eat your fucking face, asshole.
Kuno Kenji: Yandre is especially mean tonight.
Andre Holmes: Mother fuckers...
The footage cuts back to the documentary segment, specifically Andres.
Andre Holmes: Fuck all of them, every single one of those assholes.
Cuts to Otakuul.
Bishonen Brawler: Everyone walks about having to listen to Andre go on and on about how great he is, but none of us have been wrestling that long and we're already a stronger team than any of the teams he's been on.
Cuts to Marc Summers.
Marc Summers: The atmosphere did start a little...tense.
Cuts back to the set with Andre being held back by security.
Andre Holmes: YOU LITTLE CAT EARED MOTHER FUCKER, I'MMA 'BOUT TO GO WOLF ON YOUR FACE!
Cuts to documentary footage with camera focused on Kuno Kenji.
Kuno Kenji: I suggested him and Jack hug it out...he didn't like that.
Cuts back on set, but with the camera focus back on Benjamin and Marc.
Marc Summers: Well, I would like to take a couple minutes to give a special thanks to our audience...um, audience member tonight.
The camera turns to reveal one man sitting in the audience. Benjamin Atreyu walks over to the man, holding the microphone between them.
Benjamin Atreyu: Unfortunately, you were the only person available last minute to be in the audience. Mind telling us your name.
Seth Dominics: Benjy, you know my name, we've been friends for years.
Benjamin Atreyu: ...Yes, but the people watching at HOME won't know you, so mind telling THEM you're name?
Seth Dominics: Oh, right, I'm Seth Dominics, part-time detective, part-time wrestler, part-time stunt-man, part-time actor, part-time chef, but full-time awesome guy.
Marc Summers (off screen): Sounds like quite the resume.
Seth Dominics: You shut your mouth, Marc Summers, every one knows you're just a creepy robot anyways!
Marc Summers: Um...?
Benjamin Atreyu: So, Seth, who are you rooting to win this event?
Seth Dominics: THE FANS!
Benjamin Atreyu: No, thats not what I told you...nevermind. Back to you, Marc.
The camera cuts back to Marc Summers as he stands next to the team podiums.
Marc Summers: Now its time to get to know our teams a bit better. Next to me on my right, I had the red team of The Otakuul with The Bishonen Brawler and Kuno Kenji, The Hentai Prince and the Moe Stars cheering them on from backstage.
Kuno Kenji: We'll win this one for you, Prince-sama!
To my left, in the blue, Team Rekless with Andre Holmes and Jack Schlongson.
Jack Schlongson: Glad to be here, Marc.
Andre Holmes: I would like to point out I'M Team Rekless, Jack just carries my bags.
Jack Schlongson: Anbae, don't be difficult.
Andre Holmes: Shut up, bag boy.
Marc Summers: Well, ladies and gentlemen, in classic Double Dare fashion, to kick off the round, we're gonna start with a Toss up challenge. If both teams will follow me to center stage.
Seth Dominics: WOOOOOO, TOSS UP CHALLENGE! WOOOOOOO! I'M THE AUDIENCE! I'M SHOWING HOW PLEASED I AM!
Marc and the contestants move to center stage as stage hands carry supplies onto the set, including two modified buckets that are latched around the heads of Jack Schlongson and Bishonen Brawler. On the other side are two sling shots with a pile of small bean bags sitting behind them.
Marc Summers: The rules to this challenge are simple, use the sling shot to launch the bean bags through the air and land them in the bucket attached to the head of your partner, the team with the most bean bags in the bucket when the timer goes off will gain the first twenty points and control of the first questionaire round. Be sure to let your partner know where to walk in order to catch bean bags.
Andre Holmes: Hmm.
Andre and Kuno walk over to their respective giant sling shots.
Kuno Kenji: I won't let you down Brawler-Chan!
Brawler gives the team's patented 'VIC-TORY' pose to confirm his readiness.
Jack Schlongson: Okay, you're gonna work with me on this, right?
Andre Holmes: Whatever.
The familiar tone plays over the sound system as Marc Summers backs up out of the way.
Marc Summers: ON YOUR MARK!...GET SET!...GOOOO!
The bean bags begin flying, the first one from the Red Team landing perfectly in Bishonen's bucket while the Blue team's bean bag hits Jack right in the chest.
Benjamin Atreyu: Andre, you have to get it IN the bucket!
Andre Holmes: I'm trying.
Cuts to documentary footage of Andre.
Andre Holmes: I wasn't really trying.
Cuts back to the footage of the show with The Bishonen Brawler's bucket almost full, Kuno directing him perfectly to catch the bean bags while Andre continues to pelt Jack with bean bags 'accidentally'.
Andre Holmes: Okay, Jack, I know how to fix this. Move left...more...more...more.
Jack, unable to see, ends up stumbling off the stage crashing and hitting the bucket against one of the cameras.
Andre Holmes: Sorry.
Cuts to Andre in the documentary footage.
Andre Holmes: Not sorry.
As we cut back to the show, both teams have been stripped of their buckets, Jack nursing various bruises.
Marc Summers: With a total of fifty bean bags against a total of...zero bean bags, you're winners of the Toss up Challenge...OTAKUUL!
Otakuul perform their "VIC-TORY!" stance as both members of Team Rekless look rather annoyed.
Marc Summers: Now, to the trivia portion with Otakuul in control.
Cuts to Marc Summers in the documentary footage.
Marc Summers: The trivia part of the round was...interesting. Otakuul seemed really on the ball, getting most of the questions right, holding control for the round, but then there would be those times that they wouldn't know the answer and would dare Team Rekless to answer, and well...
Cuts to the show with Andre answering the question.
Andre Holmes: Is the answer, "Jack is a giant piece of shit"? (cut) I believe its "I hate Jack and hope he dies" (cut) What is "Jack is a big dumb idiot that no one likes"? (cut) Hell if I know, all I know is I'm the tag team champions and Jack is a little bitch.
Cuts to Jack in the documentary footage, hardcore fucking going on in the background.
Jack Schlongson: Did I take any of his snide non-answers personally? Of course not, at this point I understand Andre on a deeper level than most and realize that his aggression is just the externalization of his lack of satisfaction with himself, but don't worry, I tweet him every day to let him know how much I love him.
Cuts to Marc Summers.
Marc Summers: At one point it got a bit out of hand with the dares and double dares.
Cuts to the footage with Andre slamming his fist down on his podium.
Andre Holmes: Well, motherfucker, I DOUBLE DARE you to answer the fucking question.
The Bishonen Brawler: We TRIPLE DARE you!
Marc Summers: Unfortunately, triple dare isn't available this round, you'll have to-
Andre Holmes: We QUADRUPLE DARE you!
Marc Summers: That's not even-
Seth Dominics: Shut up, Marc Summers, don't interrupt their art!
Kuno Kenji: We quintuple dare you!
Andre Holmes: I'LL EAT YOUR FUCKING FAMILY!
Cuts to Marc Summers documentary footage.
Marc Summers: Once we got that figured out, we were able to get The Otakuul team to do the physical challenge and to no one's surprise, they nailed it...in fact, they nailed ALL of the physical challenges.
It cuts to a montage of Kuno Kenji and The Bishonen Brawler successfully performing physical challenges.
Marc Summers (voice over): When it was Team Rekless' turn, unfortunately, they didn't do as well.
There is a montage of Team Rekless' less-than-stellar moments, including Jack 'accidentally' hitting Andre with a wiffle bat...repeatedly, or Andre knocking Jack 'accidentally' in the head with several frisbees. It cuts to Jack's documentary footages.
Jack Schlongson: I 'slipped'...
Cuts to Andre.
Andre Holmes: Oh, I totally did it on purpose, just made it look like an accident.
Cuts back to the show with team Rekless looking rather battered with no points and Otakuul gleaming with an astounding 800 points.
Marc Summers: Its close to the end of our show and you know what that means...THE SLOPSTICAL COURSE!
Seth Dominics: Booo! They only called it that in Double Dare 2000, and you didn't host it then, that was John Harris!
Marc Summers: I was a producer!
Seth Dominics: The audience is not pleased with this anachronism!
Marc Summers: Either way! Being that Otakuul is WAY in the lead, you'll be the ones who get to run this course.
Andre Holmes: Wait, what the fuck? They get to run it, but we don't?
Marc Summers: Well, in the classic rules of Double Dare, the only time both teams run is if there is a tie.
Seth Dominics: We only occurred once in Double Dare 2000!
Andre Holmes: Seth, shut the fuck up!
Seth Dominics: Booo! Turning on the audience! Bad guy Holmes!
Andre turns back to Summers.
Andre Holmes: So, let me get this shit straight, we aren't even going to get a chance to redeem ourselves and come back with an upset victory?!
Marc Summers: Well, even if we did that, you guys are eight hundred points behind.
Andre Holmes: This is such bullshit! You mean these guys have basically won it all? Ya'll can go to hell.
Jack Schlongson: C'mon, hun. Be a good sport, its about going to a good cause.
Andre Holmes: I had a good cause, which was the only reason I decided to do this shit! And don't you fucking touch me! If you keep pulling this shit, I don't give a fuck if Benjamin will suspend me, I will knock your teeth out!
Jack Schlongson: Deep even breaths, babe.
Andre Holmes: Fuck you!
Andre, seething with angers, stomps over to the obstacle course and begins to kick the shit out of it, knocking over various points and crushing overs, even going as far as tearing down parts of the set.
Andre Holmes: Fuck Jack! Fuck Benjy! Fuck Otakuul! Fuck Marc Summers! Fuck all your stupid asses! I'm out this bitch!
Andre stomps off set, leaving it in shambles with the various staff and the competitors left confused before cutting back to the documentary portion with Benjamin Atreyu.
Benjamin Atreyu: Did everything go swimmingly? No, but I feel we learned something...not quite sure what it was, but I'm sure we'll find out soon enough.
Cuts to Marc Summers.
Marc Summers: Honestly, not the best episode I've ever been a part of, but not the worst either. Note on that: Don't leave your coke out where kids can find it. Will be impossible to get them to settle down for the show.
Cuts to Otakuul.
The Hentai Prince: While we have yet to accomplish our main task of uniting Team Rekless into a formidable fighting force, we at least manage to do good for the world by getting our charity its first major donation. VIC-TORY!
Otakuul: VIC-TORY!
Cuts to Jack Schlongson.
Jack Schlongson: No, we didn't win. No, Andre is still a bit...testy, but I will go so far as to say that it was nice to at least get to work with him again, and I would like to thank Benjamin for bringing this all together for us and the audience at home.
Cuts to Andre's footage, but all that's on screen is an empty chair.
Andre Holmes (off screen): Fuck your shit, I'm out! Peace!
Cuts back to Benjamin.
Benjamin Atreyu: Some have questioned the choice to turn this into a documentary, and many have speculated the reason for the choice; citing it as an interesting display of true synergy in the world of entertaining, or claiming that many would be interested in the behind-the-scene efforts of a classic show like Double Dare, some have even said that it would be a way to document the progression of Team Rekless' unstable relationship as it goes one way or the other...The truth is most of the original footage was unusable, being that it was close to two hours of just pure fighting, Andre yelling at everyone, and Seth Dominics constantly interrupting Marc Summers...This was really the only way to salvage the footage. Whatever, no skin of my nose, it was UCI's money.
The screen slowly fades to black.
[This episode has been brought to you by Atreyu Industries.]
The screen is black before fading into a worn VHS-styled footage of an early Double Dare episode, starting with the infamous opening tone that started the majority of Double Dare broadcasts. (Source: The Solid Rocks vs. The Gak Pack [1990])
Marc Summers (overly reverbed): On your mark!
The footage fades out to "ON YOUR MARK" in bold red letters against a black background before fading back into a slow motion shot of a bucket of rubber chickens as the camera zooms out to reveal the competitors.
Marc Summers (reverb continues): Get set!
As with before, "GET SET" fades in with bold red letters and a black background before fading into a shot of two people (one in blue and the other in read) with birdcages upon their head.
Marc Summers (reverb dramatics still): GOOOOOOO!
The shot fades away to more modern looking footage of an empty Double Dare set as the ruckus of the old episode plays on with old tape ghosting in and out occasionally. The set is shrouded in shadows until high powered lights turn on and send beams down, creating a majestic quality. The sounds dies down as the footage of the empty set fade away to Marc Summers sitting in front of the camera documentary style with a blurry living room in the background.
Marc Summers: When UCI approached us to do a one-time only revival of Double Dare to be broadcasted across the world, we were more than happy to jump in. Honestly, the whole experience has been amazing. I mean, I was a bit hesitant when I heard the contestants would include Team Rekless, being they've been having a lot of problems getting a long lately, but Mister Atreyu assured me that this experience was sure to help bring them together to become a solid unit. How could I refuse?
Hard cut to Andre Holmes sitting cross armed in front of the camera with a gym in the background.
Andre Holmes: Bullshit... Not sure who green lit that shit, but it was bullshit. I hate Jack. The whole thing, including this, is stupid.
Hard cut to the team of Otakuul sitting together in the UCI looker room with The Hentai Prince in the center.
The Hentai Prince: For the last couple weeks, we, THE OTAKUUL, have been working diligently to try and unite Team Rekless. Now, some people have been asking us why we, THE OTAKUUL, as a team, would want to empower the current Tag Team Champions when we're currently in the running for contendership. Well, we, THE OTAKUUL, refuse to take the easy win. When we gain our victories, we want to make sure it was earned, and for that to be the case, we have to get our opponents at their best! So, once Andre and Jack can work together cohesively as a team, we'll know it'll be time for...VIC-TORY!
All three members throw their hands into the air.
Otakuul: VIC-TORY!
It cuts to Jack Schlongson on the set of "Ass Sass In Creed" with one leg over the other and an elbow resting on his wrist while his head rests in the upturned palm.
Jack Schlongson: As most of you know, I'm currently protesting competing in UCI. When I was told about the whole 'Double Dare' revival thing and how it would be a UCI exclusive I was...hesitant, but when I was told that the prize money would go to a charity of our own choice, I decided to do the right thing and compete for the sake of my people. If my team had won, the money would go to The True Colors fund, an organization dedicated to end Youth LGBT homelessness. Also, it wouldn't hurt to get to work alongside my honeybear Andre again after so many weeks of him avoiding me.
Cuts back to Marc Summers.
Marc Summers: The charity aspect really help pull this whole thing together to be more than just a publicity stunt. I think without it, the show wouldn't have gone as well as it did.
Cuts to Andre.
Andre Holmes: That charity shit was the only reason I showed up. How you going to make all this shit last minute and then make me the bad guy for not showing up? Just more bullshit. Either way, my charity of choice was the Make-A-Wish foundation. If was I going to stand beside that walking piece of shit, Jack Schlongson, it wasn't going to be for his stupid ass.
Cuts to Otakuul.
The Hentai Prince: When we, THE OTAKUUL, were told about the winnings would go to a good cause of our choice, we knew it wouldn't be enough to simply donate the money, we would have to MAKE the charity! And, a mere 24 hours before the recording, The Otakuul formed the Kawaii Super-Friends Neko Charity, a charity dedicated to helping Neko-boys and Neko-Girls get back on their feet and escape the abuse they face on a daily basis!
Interviewer: How did you manage to form the charity in twenty four hours and get it approved by the company?
Kuno Kenji: That's the efficient-ness of The Otakuul! Focused as a team, we can accomplish anything!
Kuno Kenji smiles wide as he holds out the 'V for Victory' sign, turning to a freeze frame before fading to Marc Summers.
Marc Summers: Unfortunately, not every team can be as cohesive The Otakuul, Team Rekless very much being one of them. Even before we were on set, Andre was ready to take Jack's head clean off.
Cut to hidden footage of a confrontation between Jack and Andre.
Andre Holmes: Get this through you thick skull, Jack! Stay! The! Fuck! Away! From! Me!
Jack Schlongson: Oh, honey, this is a team effort! We need to work together.
Andre Holmes: I don't give a fuck.
Jack Schlongson: That's the whole point, though. Benjamin Atreyu was nice enough to orchestrate this whole thing to help as grow as a tag team.
Andre Holmes: Don't give a fuck.
Jack Schlongson: C'mon, hun-buns.
Andre Holmes: Don't.
Jack Schlongson: But-
Andre Holmes: Give.
Jack Schlongson: Please-
Andre Holmes: A.
Jack Schlongson: Don't-
Andre Holmes: Fuck.
Jack Schlongson: But how are we supposed to win that money for our respective causes if we don't work together?
Andre Holmes: Look, just like in the ring, I don't need you. You can be dead weight for all I care, I'll still win this motherfucker. I mean, I am the tag team champions after all.
Andre Holmes walks away, leaving Jack shaking his head before the footage cuts to the brightly lit Double Dare set with all the aforementioned competitors standing ready at their podiums and Marc Summers at center stage with Benjamin Atreyu.
Marc Summers: Ladies and gentlemen, we are happy to have you joining us for this one time only event! UCI and Nickelodian studios, along with Atreyu Industries, have joined forces to create DOUBLE DARE: UCI EDITION, letting two teams compete for a prize of $300,000 to be donated to the winners' charities of choice. Before we introduce our competitors, I would like to introduce you to the man at my side who helped organize this event, Benjamin Atreyu.
Benjamin Atreyu: Thank you, Mister Summers, it was my pleasure. As many of our UCI fans will know, for the last couple of months, Team Rekless' relationship has been, at best, a bit rocky. Despite their continued success and current reign as tag team champions, it seems that the two have been at odds, despite Jack's constant affection and open mind.
Andre Holmes: Fuck you too, Atreyu.
Benjamin Atreyu: As you can see, Andre's behavior, while open and honest, is rather volatile to say the least, and this behavior has most recently lead to the removal of Jack Schlongson's name from the lineage of the aforementioned Tag Team Titles, which, in turn, has forced Jack's hand to protest against the company who approved Andre's request.
Andre Holmes: He did it first when he gave us that fucking stupid name Team Rekless.
Jack Schlongson: All cosmetic, deary. I was just helping, you were the one out to hurt me.
Andre Holmes: No one was talking to you.
Bishonen Brawler: You know, Andre, maybe if you cared, you could keep a team mate for more than a few months.
Andre Holmes: I will eat your fucking face, asshole.
Kuno Kenji: Yandre is especially mean tonight.
Andre Holmes: Mother fuckers...
The footage cuts back to the documentary segment, specifically Andres.
Andre Holmes: Fuck all of them, every single one of those assholes.
Cuts to Otakuul.
Bishonen Brawler: Everyone walks about having to listen to Andre go on and on about how great he is, but none of us have been wrestling that long and we're already a stronger team than any of the teams he's been on.
Cuts to Marc Summers.
Marc Summers: The atmosphere did start a little...tense.
Cuts back to the set with Andre being held back by security.
Andre Holmes: YOU LITTLE CAT EARED MOTHER FUCKER, I'MMA 'BOUT TO GO WOLF ON YOUR FACE!
Cuts to documentary footage with camera focused on Kuno Kenji.
Kuno Kenji: I suggested him and Jack hug it out...he didn't like that.
Cuts back on set, but with the camera focus back on Benjamin and Marc.
Marc Summers: Well, I would like to take a couple minutes to give a special thanks to our audience...um, audience member tonight.
The camera turns to reveal one man sitting in the audience. Benjamin Atreyu walks over to the man, holding the microphone between them.
Benjamin Atreyu: Unfortunately, you were the only person available last minute to be in the audience. Mind telling us your name.
Seth Dominics: Benjy, you know my name, we've been friends for years.
Benjamin Atreyu: ...Yes, but the people watching at HOME won't know you, so mind telling THEM you're name?
Seth Dominics: Oh, right, I'm Seth Dominics, part-time detective, part-time wrestler, part-time stunt-man, part-time actor, part-time chef, but full-time awesome guy.
Marc Summers (off screen): Sounds like quite the resume.
Seth Dominics: You shut your mouth, Marc Summers, every one knows you're just a creepy robot anyways!
Marc Summers: Um...?
Benjamin Atreyu: So, Seth, who are you rooting to win this event?
Seth Dominics: THE FANS!
Benjamin Atreyu: No, thats not what I told you...nevermind. Back to you, Marc.
The camera cuts back to Marc Summers as he stands next to the team podiums.
Marc Summers: Now its time to get to know our teams a bit better. Next to me on my right, I had the red team of The Otakuul with The Bishonen Brawler and Kuno Kenji, The Hentai Prince and the Moe Stars cheering them on from backstage.
Kuno Kenji: We'll win this one for you, Prince-sama!
To my left, in the blue, Team Rekless with Andre Holmes and Jack Schlongson.
Jack Schlongson: Glad to be here, Marc.
Andre Holmes: I would like to point out I'M Team Rekless, Jack just carries my bags.
Jack Schlongson: Anbae, don't be difficult.
Andre Holmes: Shut up, bag boy.
Marc Summers: Well, ladies and gentlemen, in classic Double Dare fashion, to kick off the round, we're gonna start with a Toss up challenge. If both teams will follow me to center stage.
Seth Dominics: WOOOOOO, TOSS UP CHALLENGE! WOOOOOOO! I'M THE AUDIENCE! I'M SHOWING HOW PLEASED I AM!
Marc and the contestants move to center stage as stage hands carry supplies onto the set, including two modified buckets that are latched around the heads of Jack Schlongson and Bishonen Brawler. On the other side are two sling shots with a pile of small bean bags sitting behind them.
Marc Summers: The rules to this challenge are simple, use the sling shot to launch the bean bags through the air and land them in the bucket attached to the head of your partner, the team with the most bean bags in the bucket when the timer goes off will gain the first twenty points and control of the first questionaire round. Be sure to let your partner know where to walk in order to catch bean bags.
Andre Holmes: Hmm.
Andre and Kuno walk over to their respective giant sling shots.
Kuno Kenji: I won't let you down Brawler-Chan!
Brawler gives the team's patented 'VIC-TORY' pose to confirm his readiness.
Jack Schlongson: Okay, you're gonna work with me on this, right?
Andre Holmes: Whatever.
The familiar tone plays over the sound system as Marc Summers backs up out of the way.
Marc Summers: ON YOUR MARK!...GET SET!...GOOOO!
The bean bags begin flying, the first one from the Red Team landing perfectly in Bishonen's bucket while the Blue team's bean bag hits Jack right in the chest.
Benjamin Atreyu: Andre, you have to get it IN the bucket!
Andre Holmes: I'm trying.
Cuts to documentary footage of Andre.
Andre Holmes: I wasn't really trying.
Cuts back to the footage of the show with The Bishonen Brawler's bucket almost full, Kuno directing him perfectly to catch the bean bags while Andre continues to pelt Jack with bean bags 'accidentally'.
Andre Holmes: Okay, Jack, I know how to fix this. Move left...more...more...more.
Jack, unable to see, ends up stumbling off the stage crashing and hitting the bucket against one of the cameras.
Andre Holmes: Sorry.
Cuts to Andre in the documentary footage.
Andre Holmes: Not sorry.
As we cut back to the show, both teams have been stripped of their buckets, Jack nursing various bruises.
Marc Summers: With a total of fifty bean bags against a total of...zero bean bags, you're winners of the Toss up Challenge...OTAKUUL!
Otakuul perform their "VIC-TORY!" stance as both members of Team Rekless look rather annoyed.
Marc Summers: Now, to the trivia portion with Otakuul in control.
Cuts to Marc Summers in the documentary footage.
Marc Summers: The trivia part of the round was...interesting. Otakuul seemed really on the ball, getting most of the questions right, holding control for the round, but then there would be those times that they wouldn't know the answer and would dare Team Rekless to answer, and well...
Cuts to the show with Andre answering the question.
Andre Holmes: Is the answer, "Jack is a giant piece of shit"? (cut) I believe its "I hate Jack and hope he dies" (cut) What is "Jack is a big dumb idiot that no one likes"? (cut) Hell if I know, all I know is I'm the tag team champions and Jack is a little bitch.
Cuts to Jack in the documentary footage, hardcore fucking going on in the background.
Jack Schlongson: Did I take any of his snide non-answers personally? Of course not, at this point I understand Andre on a deeper level than most and realize that his aggression is just the externalization of his lack of satisfaction with himself, but don't worry, I tweet him every day to let him know how much I love him.
Cuts to Marc Summers.
Marc Summers: At one point it got a bit out of hand with the dares and double dares.
Cuts to the footage with Andre slamming his fist down on his podium.
Andre Holmes: Well, motherfucker, I DOUBLE DARE you to answer the fucking question.
The Bishonen Brawler: We TRIPLE DARE you!
Marc Summers: Unfortunately, triple dare isn't available this round, you'll have to-
Andre Holmes: We QUADRUPLE DARE you!
Marc Summers: That's not even-
Seth Dominics: Shut up, Marc Summers, don't interrupt their art!
Kuno Kenji: We quintuple dare you!
Andre Holmes: I'LL EAT YOUR FUCKING FAMILY!
Cuts to Marc Summers documentary footage.
Marc Summers: Once we got that figured out, we were able to get The Otakuul team to do the physical challenge and to no one's surprise, they nailed it...in fact, they nailed ALL of the physical challenges.
It cuts to a montage of Kuno Kenji and The Bishonen Brawler successfully performing physical challenges.
Marc Summers (voice over): When it was Team Rekless' turn, unfortunately, they didn't do as well.
There is a montage of Team Rekless' less-than-stellar moments, including Jack 'accidentally' hitting Andre with a wiffle bat...repeatedly, or Andre knocking Jack 'accidentally' in the head with several frisbees. It cuts to Jack's documentary footages.
Jack Schlongson: I 'slipped'...
Cuts to Andre.
Andre Holmes: Oh, I totally did it on purpose, just made it look like an accident.
Cuts back to the show with team Rekless looking rather battered with no points and Otakuul gleaming with an astounding 800 points.
Marc Summers: Its close to the end of our show and you know what that means...THE SLOPSTICAL COURSE!
Seth Dominics: Booo! They only called it that in Double Dare 2000, and you didn't host it then, that was John Harris!
Marc Summers: I was a producer!
Seth Dominics: The audience is not pleased with this anachronism!
Marc Summers: Either way! Being that Otakuul is WAY in the lead, you'll be the ones who get to run this course.
Andre Holmes: Wait, what the fuck? They get to run it, but we don't?
Marc Summers: Well, in the classic rules of Double Dare, the only time both teams run is if there is a tie.
Seth Dominics: We only occurred once in Double Dare 2000!
Andre Holmes: Seth, shut the fuck up!
Seth Dominics: Booo! Turning on the audience! Bad guy Holmes!
Andre turns back to Summers.
Andre Holmes: So, let me get this shit straight, we aren't even going to get a chance to redeem ourselves and come back with an upset victory?!
Marc Summers: Well, even if we did that, you guys are eight hundred points behind.
Andre Holmes: This is such bullshit! You mean these guys have basically won it all? Ya'll can go to hell.
Jack Schlongson: C'mon, hun. Be a good sport, its about going to a good cause.
Andre Holmes: I had a good cause, which was the only reason I decided to do this shit! And don't you fucking touch me! If you keep pulling this shit, I don't give a fuck if Benjamin will suspend me, I will knock your teeth out!
Jack Schlongson: Deep even breaths, babe.
Andre Holmes: Fuck you!
Andre, seething with angers, stomps over to the obstacle course and begins to kick the shit out of it, knocking over various points and crushing overs, even going as far as tearing down parts of the set.
Andre Holmes: Fuck Jack! Fuck Benjy! Fuck Otakuul! Fuck Marc Summers! Fuck all your stupid asses! I'm out this bitch!
Andre stomps off set, leaving it in shambles with the various staff and the competitors left confused before cutting back to the documentary portion with Benjamin Atreyu.
Benjamin Atreyu: Did everything go swimmingly? No, but I feel we learned something...not quite sure what it was, but I'm sure we'll find out soon enough.
Cuts to Marc Summers.
Marc Summers: Honestly, not the best episode I've ever been a part of, but not the worst either. Note on that: Don't leave your coke out where kids can find it. Will be impossible to get them to settle down for the show.
Cuts to Otakuul.
The Hentai Prince: While we have yet to accomplish our main task of uniting Team Rekless into a formidable fighting force, we at least manage to do good for the world by getting our charity its first major donation. VIC-TORY!
Otakuul: VIC-TORY!
Cuts to Jack Schlongson.
Jack Schlongson: No, we didn't win. No, Andre is still a bit...testy, but I will go so far as to say that it was nice to at least get to work with him again, and I would like to thank Benjamin for bringing this all together for us and the audience at home.
Cuts to Andre's footage, but all that's on screen is an empty chair.
Andre Holmes (off screen): Fuck your shit, I'm out! Peace!
Cuts back to Benjamin.
Benjamin Atreyu: Some have questioned the choice to turn this into a documentary, and many have speculated the reason for the choice; citing it as an interesting display of true synergy in the world of entertaining, or claiming that many would be interested in the behind-the-scene efforts of a classic show like Double Dare, some have even said that it would be a way to document the progression of Team Rekless' unstable relationship as it goes one way or the other...The truth is most of the original footage was unusable, being that it was close to two hours of just pure fighting, Andre yelling at everyone, and Seth Dominics constantly interrupting Marc Summers...This was really the only way to salvage the footage. Whatever, no skin of my nose, it was UCI's money.
The screen slowly fades to black.
[This episode has been brought to you by Atreyu Industries.]