Feds, the Metaverse, and Everything

~It was quite the dazzling sight presented before Jay Omega. He wasn't quite sure what to make of it all, to be honest. There was a pounding in his head, quite similar to a hangover, though he was quite sure he hadn't been drinking the night before. Or had he been? What had he been doing? Omega searched his memory, but found his mind to be hazier than a Grateful Dead concert. He glanced around the overly large room he was in - the oddest restaurant he'd ever seen - and for a moment his gaze lingered on a strange looking creature with a frill around its face, making it seem as though it were wearing a bonnet. That sparked something within him. "Blue." Jay mumbled absently, and the word went wandering off through his mind, in search of something to connect with.

  He continued his inspection of his surroundings, hoping for some clue as to where he was, or how he had come to be here. A quick look out the massive dome that comprised the ceiling and the far wall showed that he was most certainly not on Earth. The transparent wall afforded a magnificent view of the vast, starry void; where brightly colored nebulae and shimmering galaxies appeared to be converging on a central spot. Jay gazed out for some time, entranced by the splendor of space. "Can I take your order, gentlebeing?" Came a voice at Omega's ear, startling him and pulling him back to the here and now. "Not yet; I'm waiting for somebody." Jay told the robotic waiter without thinking. Was he waiting for someone? Who?

  Once more he swept his gaze around the enormous room, another odd sight catching his eye. What appeared to be a human-sized chicken was calling for her bill, rubbing at her swollen stomach with one feathered appendage, and leaning away from a large platter bearing a variety of what Omega thought to be cheeses. That sparked something within him. "Blue." Jay mumbled absently, and the word went wandering off through his mind, in search of something to connect with. Omega sipped from the glass of ice water in his hand, then dipped a finger in the ring of condensation, and idly began sketching while he continued to study the room, trying to remember beyond the last few minutes. Something about a large fire? A lone figure drank from a mug at the long counter that ringed the open kitchen, his drooping eyes and saggy jowls giving him a perpetually mournful expression.

  That sparked something within him. "Blue." Jay said absently, and the word went wandering off through his mind, in search of something to connect with. Omega looked down to see that he had unconsciously drawn a woman's face, and a moment later his head snapped up as several vivid memories hit him like a slap in the face. "Bonnie!" Movement on the other side of the restaurant drew his attention, and Jay couldn't help but chuckle to himself. "Speak of the Devil." He said under his breath. A slightly heavyset woman with pink skin and pointed ears was heading his way, leading the only other two humans in the restaurant to his corner booth. The hostess stopped a few feet away and gestured toward him, then left the humans in peace.

  Bonnie Blue stepped forward with an odd expression on her face; a touch awed, a touch expectant, a touch skeptical. The skepticism faded from her face as Omega looked up at her, the corner of his mouth rising in a wry smile. "It really is you," The young woman breathed. "Everybody thinks you're dead." Jay could only nod in acceptance. "I was." He assured her. Bonnie's male companion was somewhat familiar to Omega; though he had never actually met Cameron Bankston, Junior - known in certain circles as the Polar Phantasm - Jay knew enough about the man to recognize him. And if these two particular individuals, in all the Metaverse, had come looking for him specifically, well that only increased his nagging suspicions.

  Polar turned toward Bonnie, and jerked a thumb in Omega's direction. "Um, sorry, out of the loop. Who's this guy?" The Phantasm asked. Before Bonnie could reply, Jay rose from his seat and stepped out into the light, extending a hand in greeting as he did so. "Jay Omega, at your service." The two men shook hands, and Polar pointed at himself. "I'm Cam--" He began to introduce himself, before Omega cut him off. "Oh, I know who you are," Jay said, indicating that they should sit. "Cameron Bankston, Junior. The Polar Phantasm. Thing is, I don't know how or why I know who you are, seein' as how this is the first time we've met and all." Polar glanced at Bonnie for an explanation, and she simply shrugged in return; just as in the dark as he was.

  "But I'm pretty sure it's got something to do with this." Omega continued, then reached into his green plaid vest, and withdrew a small item from an inside pocket. Outside the window, a stuntship loaded with explosives plunged into the nearby star, the resulting flare glinting off the golden, triangular lapel pin which Jay placed on the table. Banskton's eyes widened at the sight of the words etched into its surface: Future. Elements. Dynasty. "Panth--" Polar cut off as the accessory began to disintegrate before their eyes; the very atoms losing their molecular cohesion. "Well that just confirms it then." Omega said with an air of grim finality. "Now this is just a hunch, but I'm guessing you two didn't come here for the seafood platter."

  Jay shrugged at the pair of flat looks he received, then leaned toward the other two with a more serious expression. "Feel free to stop me if any of this misses the mark," Omega began, "From the moment you rolled out of bed, today has felt off; there ain't necessarily something wrong, but something definitely ain't right." Polar was willing to shrug it off as mere coincidence, but Bonnie's ears perked up almost immediately. "Then you noticed the memory problems." That caused Bankston to meet Jay's eyes; he couldn't possibly know about that, could he? "You don't know what you don't remember, but you damn well know there's something missing." Omega favored the Daughter of Time with a fond smile.

  "If I know you half as well as I think I should, you didn't waste any time - no pun intended - and went looking for the people you thought could help figure out what's up." Ms. Blue shrugged in response. "I reckoned, who better to look up than two of my old man's best friends?" Bonnie said, trying to appear more nonchalant than she felt. Jay nodded, and began to look around once more. "Good, I'm glad your instincts stayed sharp. Something tells me you'll need them if we're gonna go back." The declaration was met with confused silence, though Omega didn't halt his acute inspection of their surroundings. "It's almost perfect. That's what tipped me off, really." Polar snapped his fingers twice, and waved his hand in front of Jay's face to get his attention.

  "Look, for someone who's supposed to be clearing things up, you sure are being pretty vague," The Phantasm said chidingly, "Could you be a little more specific? What's almost perfect? Go back where? What the fuck is going on?" Omega brought his focus back to the table, an apologetic look on his face. "Oh, did I not say that?" He asked, genuinely surprised, "Sorry, I thought I had. Back to our home reality. This is a mirror universe. And from what I can tell, it was constructed with people like us in mind." Jay's eyes began to wander again, never resting in one place for too long. "It's a fairly well put together prison, I think." Polar looked around the opulent establishment with a skeptical expression. "Oh, absolutely; this place just screams 'forcible confinement'."

  Bonnie shook her head at Bankston's sarcasm. "Best kind of prison is one your prisoners don't want to leave." She said, and Omega ticked a finger in her direction. "Got it in one, kiddo." Blue gave him a sour look at the remark on her age, which was met with an innocent smile. "All right, I'm not saying you're wrong," Polar began, no stranger to alternate realities himself, "But how do you know this is a different universe? What makes you so sure?" Jay shrugged, and hesitated; not exactly a reassuring reaction. "Chrono-spatial cognitive dissonance is a little hard to explain, especially since I can't seem to remember everything," Omega said, "But alternate realities are kind of my thing. This one is almost identical to our own, but it vibrates at a slightly different frequency; that's what's giving you that sensation of something being not quite right."

  The Phantasm's features remained unconvinced, and Jay could only shrug again. "Look, when you've been to as many alternate realities as I have, you just know these things, all right? Trust me." Bankston snorted out a laugh and tossed his head. "Never trust someone who says 'trust me', dude. Don't you watch movies?" With a fatalistic sigh, Omega reached over to the napkin dispenser, pulled a disposable tissue free, and tossed it across the table toward Polar. He followed that up by digging a pen from within his vest, which he rolled across the table as well. Jay then stood up, and looked Bankston in the eye. "I'm gonna go get myself a drink. While I'm gone, I want you to write down the first three letters that come to mind, then fold up the napkin and give it to Bonnie."

  Omega then turned his attention to the woman in question, "Don't peek, either while he's writing, or after he gives you the napkin." Bonnie frowned at the implication, but Jay turned and walked toward the long pseudo-bar before she could even open her mouth to reply. "Hey!" She called after him, to no avail. "Here," Said Polar, nudging Bonnie's elbow. She turned to him, and saw that he was holding out the folded napkin. Bonnie took the napkin into a closed fist, and gripped it tightly until Omega returned with a steaming mug filled with brackish looking water. "What in the Sam Hill is that?" Bonnie asked, wrinkling her nose in distaste. "It's supposed to be tea," Jay said uncertainly, "I-I don't really want to try it and find out."

  Omega set the mug aside, then fixed Polar with a level gaze. "This ought to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I know what I'm talking about." Without breaking his gaze, Jay pointed at Bonnie, directing his next words to her. "Say it with me, kid, 'cause you already know what it is." Bonnie didn't speak out loud, though her lips moved in time with Omega's. "Double You. See. Eff." There was no need to check the napkin; the way Polar leaned back in his seat and visibly paled was confirmation enough. To his credit, the Phantasm didn't waste time sputtering about the impossibility; he had been given empirical evidence, and there was nothing to do but accept it. His genius intellect raced through the possibile ramifications and solutions as he collected himself, then he simply nodded to Jay.

  "All right," Bankston acquiesced, "How do you propose we get home?" Omega smiled broadly and made a grand gesture toward Bonnie, doing his best impression of Glinda the Good Witch. "You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself. Just click your heels together three ti--" Again with the flat stares. Jay raised his hands in surrender, then pulled his ridiculously expensive smartphone from his pocket. "I take it since y'all made it here that you've got the keys to the Ranchero." It was more a statement than a question, but Bonnie nodded anyway. "Well, I've got the interspatial coordinates for my rooftop helipad. Shouldn't be too hard for you two to figure out how to get yourselves home from there." Bonnie and Polar shared a quick glance of surprise; ordinarily these sorts of things were more difficult.

  Omega glanced at the mug and almost reached for it, then thought better of it and stood up. "Well, I've been dead for the last couple of months, so I kind of want to get home, see if anyone's fed my pet dinosaur," Jay chuckled at the raised eyebrows, "I'm just kidding," Omega continued, "He's a herbivore in a tropical jungle; he doesn't need to be fed. I do want to get home, though." After the day's revelations, that was a sentiment both Bonnie and Polar could echo, and so the trio made their way back through the restaurant, and into the hangar bay where the time-traveling, dimension-hopping, emerald green Ranchero awaited them. The last to enter, Jay took one final sweeping look around the hangar, and couldn't help but feel he was forgetting something here.

  "Goodbye, mirror world. We hardly knew ye." Omega climbed into the Ranchero and closed the door. A moment later, the rumble of the engine roaring to life reverberated throughout the space, and in a brilliant flare of white, the Ranchero disappeared. Only a scant handful of seconds later, the vehicle reappeared in nearly the exact same position, and the passengers spilled out, all looking as though they had just lived through a terrible nightmare. "Yeah, so, I think we can all agree that there's no place for us there anymore." Jay said, using one hand placed on the Ranchero's hood to brace himself. Bonnie shivered as she hugged herself, trying to forget the things she could never unsee. "That was a terrible idea." She said in a stunned voice. Polar just nodded mutely, still processing what had just transpired.

  Omega shook his head, then looked at this mirror world in a new light. "I was wrong about this place," He said to the other two, "This isn't a prison. It's a haven." The resounding thud of a fist striking metal pulled eyes toward Polar, an uncharacteristic look of anger on his face. "That's how I used to feel about the world we just left." The Phantasm said in a tight voice. Bonnie came around the side of the Ranchero to place a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Look, I know you're upset, we all are. But none of that was any fault of ours." Polar pulled away from her touch, shaking his head. "I know. I just... I can't help but think that maybe I could have stopped it from getting that bad. Maybe we could have stopped it."

  A strange light entered Bankston's eyes then, and the trio shared a feeling of great intensity; as though the next few moments would have far-reaching consequences. "This is a chance to correct the mistakes of our past; it's a new lease on life. Literally, in my case." Jay said, though Polar barely heard him; his mind was running through probabilities at a dazzling rate, and the conclusion he came to was not favorable. "I can't let it happen here." He said, almost too softly to be heard. Omega barked a laugh and clapped a hand on Polar's shoulder. "Relax, dude; we've got nothing to worry about." The Phantasm shrugged off the grip angrily. "Don't you get it?" He yelled, "I've already seen my home destroyed once; I'm not going to adopt another one, only to let it happen again!"

  Bankston made a gesture that somehow took in the entirety of the universe the unlikely trio found themselves in. "You said yourself, Omega, this place is a haven," The Polar Phantasm's face hardened as he looked The Omega Man in the eye, "After what we just went through, I could really do with one of those right about now. And I don't want to see it go to shit." The feeling of intensity welled further. Jay could paradoxically hear his pulse pounding in his ears, but also every word Polar was saying. Omega wasn't certain what it was, but the man's passion seemed infectious. "If we're going to adopt this world, then we have to be prepared to defend it from the kind of shit we just got away from, because I won't let it happen here."

  Though he wasn't sure why, Jay extended a fist into the middle of the group, "We'll bring light to darkness, so that all might see." He said, a great sense of import in the undertones of his voice; as though speaking words of prophecy. "We'll bring justice to evil, so that all might be free." Bonnie intoned as she too extended a fist; the same measure of gravitas in her inflection. "We'll defend with our lives, this new reality." The Polar Phantasm's fist sealed the triangle, as his words sealed the cosmic bargain being struck. "And so it shall be, say we Guardians three." All three spoke in unison, as though guided by an unseen force. The intensity of the moment seemed to lessen, and the newly christened trio of Guardians lowered their arms.

  "Well," Said Omega, as he pulled his signature pair of reflective Oakley sunglasses from within his vest, "I don't know about you guys, but I'm looking forward to finding out what differences and similarities there are between this reality and the old one. The possibilities..." Jay put his sunglasses on, and flashed his fellow Guardians a cheesy grin. "Are infinite! Yeeeaaahhh!" Bonnie bowed her head and massaged the bridge of her nose, while Polar just gave him a pitying look. "Maybe leave the comedy to me, dude."~




THE GUARDIANS' GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
Book Three: Feds, the Metaverse, and Everything
Series conceived by Jay Omega, Bonnie Blue and the Polar Phantasm
Episode written by Jay Omega


NEXT: So Long, and Thanks for All the Dick Pics

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