Gravedigger vs Jared Holmes
"The Ballad of Maxwell Demon" by Shudder to Think hits the PA as the lights go dim in the arena. A golden Eye of Horus lights up the jumbotron as "#AllHail6ixGod" appears beneath in gold lettering. A single stage light hits the center of the ramp as the music swells and booing from the crowd reaches a fever pitch. From the curtain steps Jared Holmes dressed in a full-face mirror ball mask topped with a diamond encrusted crown of thorns and long navy wool coat with gold accents, Thursday by his side.
Taylor Lorde: Making his way to the ring, from Hollywood, California. Weighing in at two-hundred and fifteen pounds.... "THE SIX GOD" JARED HOLMES!
Jared steps into the spotlight, the mirror ball mask reflecting the light in a dazzling display of colors. His hands slowly raise from his sides into the air as sparks descend from the ceiling. Bringing his arms down swiftly, he continues down the ramp, his eyes concealed behind the mask but undoubtedly on the ring.
Jack Schlongson: Tasty, if I do say so myself.
The Hentai Prince: Yeah an – MRPH
The commentary goes silent. The sound of headphone rustling can be heard.
Michael Stelzner: They’ve really stepped down security in this place.
Chris Morrell: I can’t believe those fake moustaches worked as disguises.
The duo moves with purpose, and upon reaching the bottom of the ring, Jared ascends the stairs and steps between the ropes. His hand coming to the back of his head, he removes the mask and raises it in the air to a chorus of boos.
Chris Morrell: Well this should be fun to call again. Just like old times.
Michael Stelzner: You deserve this, Price.
The lights go out. They stay off for about 15 seconds or so before "Change" by Deftones starts playing throughout the arena. A spotlight hits the entranceway and out from the back walks Gravedigger, escorted by Adrian and JJ.
Taylor Lorde: And his opponent, from Phoenix, Arizona, weighing in at two hundred and fifty-eight pounds… the “Epitome of Hardcore”, Grave DIGGER!
The crowd cheers heavily and the trio stops on top of the ramp as Gravedigger looks around smiling. They then walk down the ramp and over to the ring steps. Adrian walks over to the side of the ring, reaches up and pulls himself up onto the apron with one of the ropes and then climbs into the ring. Gravedigger climbs the steps first and turns to JJ, pulling up the middle rope and stepping down on the bottom one, as she steps through the gap into the ring.
Michael Stelzner: His first match in quite some time, and Gravedigger is getting a hero’s reception from the UCI fans tonight.
Gravedigger steps through the top and middle rope and walks over to one of the turnbuckles and stands on the middle pad and smirks out at the crowd as they scream in appreciation.
Crowd: LET’S GO DIGGER! *CLAP CLAP CLAP-CLAP-CLAP* LET’S GO DIGGER!
With the ring of the bell, the Six God and the Epitome of Commentary step towards one another. Their hands extend cautiously – a tie-up into a test of strength. The two lung forward, their fingers clasped as they strained against each other. Of course, it is Gravedigger who stands several inches taller with a bit of weight on Holmes; he overpowers the Six God with a bit of effort, twisting one of his arms behind his back. Jared flips forward into a roll, his free arm swiping for the knee of Digger; Digger jumps over the strike and launches a knee towards his opponent’s face. Jared bends back to the ground before kipping up, rolling Digger over with an arm drag. Digger rolls through to his feet, catching an advancing Holmes with a solid right to the jaw – Jared stumbles back and is clotheslined over the ropes for his troubles.
Michael Stelzner: Amazing display of athleticism from both these men to start!
Chris Morrell: That old bastard can move, can’t he?
On the outside, Jared slaps the matt in frustration as Gravedigger raises his arms to the triumphant roar of the crowd. Thursday quickly runs to Jared’s side, assisting him up before giving him a reassuring backrub and butt pat. Jared slides into the ring, immediately receiving a stomp to the back by Gravedigger. He rolls onto his back, taking another stomp for his troubles, before catching Digger’s boot on a third stomp and wrenching the Hall of Famer to the ground.
Michael Stelzner: Are the tides finally turning?
Chris Morrell: If that was a pun, I’ll smack you.
Once Digger hits the matt, Jared quickly leaps over to put him in a side headlock. He flips Digger over his hip, dropping the Epitome of Hardcore once again before wrenching on his neck.
Jared Holmes: LOOK, IF YOU TAP OUT NOW YOU CAN BE WAVEDIGGER AGAIN, OKAY? I’LL EVEN LET YOU SWIM IN MY WAKE AT PARTIES!
Digger, of course, is unpersuaded. Rather than attempt to wrestle his way out, he throws a shot straight to Jared’s face. The Six God’s head snaps back before a second punch causes the lock to loosen. Digger shoves him off, both men rolling to their bases. As Digger stands, Jared runs at him with a missile dropkick. Digger steps to the side, clutching Holmes around the waist and deadlifting the thrashing Six God. He falls back and drops Jared with a thunderous German Suplex before rolling over for the pin.
Referee: 1!
Jared kicks. Gravedigger grabs him by a handful of blonde hair as he pulls him up. A body shot doubles Holmes over – a throat shot sends him stumbling to the ropes. Digger runs for a clothesline, but Holmes ducks and pulls the rope down with him. Digger is able to stay balanced, falling over the rope but landing on the apron. Jared reaches up to wrap a hand around his neck and pull him down neck-first for a stunner against the ropes, shooting up to flip over Digger to the outside! His arms wrapped around the waist of the Epitome of Commentary, he uses his momentum to Sunset Flip Powerbomb Digger to the canvass!
Chris Morrell: Trump should hire this guy to police the borders. He’s a natural.
Holmes wrenches Digger up and rolls him into the ring. He slides in and immediately goes for the pin.
Referee: 1!..
Gravedigger kicks out! The crowd goes wild as Jared sits bolt upright and yells at the referee.
Jared Holmes: YOU CALL THAT A COUNT?! DO YOU HAVE ANY SENSE OF TIME?!
Jared falls back on Digger for a second pin. The kick out is almost immediate, and Digger shoves Holmes off of him. He pushes himself to his feet as Holmes rushes his way, catching the Six God for the Respecto! Holmes lays limp on the canvass as Digger shoves himself to his feet and pops onto the apron. He pulls himself to the top rope, leaps off!
Michael Stelzner: Death from Above! Digger has this in the bag!
After M-13 member lands on him, Jared rolls over, holding his chest in pain. Digger goes for the cover.
Ref: 1!.. 2!
Jared lifts a shoulder, as though by instinct. Digger pushes himself to his base, his eyes switching between Jared and the referee.
Gravedigger: You call that a count?!
Michael Stelzner: Looks like both men have some problems with this officiating.
Chris Morrell: I don’t blame them. The man’s a fucking gimp.
Gravedigger pulls Holmes to his legs and whips him at the ropes. As Holmes runs back, Digger throws a massive clothesline! Holmes ducks, running to the opposite side and springboarding into a beautiful Moonsault! He catches Digger around the neck for a reverse DDT, but Digger holds fast, Jared bent half over his shoulder. He throws Jared down for the Toluca Slam! He goes for the cover!
Referee: 1!.. 2!
Thursday grabs Jared’s foot and pulls him out of the ring! The crowd boos as the ref walks towards the ropes, yelling and pointing at her.
Michael Stelzner: Looks like she’s not getting thrown out yet, but a warning is issued to Thursday Kerrigan for her interference.
As Thursday climbs onto the apron, Gravedigger stalks over to her. Grabbing the Six Goddess by her shirt, he pulls her over the ropes and onto his shoulders!
Chris Morrell: This is how you teach a bitch to shut up!
Before he can drop for the Death Driver, Jared snakes a leg between Digger’s legs! He rolls him up with a schoolboy, not seeming to care much that this causes his girlfriend to go crashing into the matt with Digger.
Referee: 1!... 2!
Digger kicks out as Holmes scrambles to his feet. As Digger sits up, Holmes rushes forward with a punt kick to the side of Digger’s head, sending him back to the ground. He covers again.
Referee: 1!
Digger kicks out. Jared sits up on his knees, his face filled with rage and desperation. He throws a fist down on Digger’s face, following it with a second. Adjusting his legs to straddle Digger’s waist, Holmes continues throwing blows down on his opponent, his face continuing to contort with rage. Digger puts his arms up, shielding the blows before throwing a fist of his own at Jared. It’s enough of an opening – he shoves Jared off and climbs to his feet. As Jared pushes up, Digger rushes at him!
Chris Morrell: Absolutely snapped him in half!
Michael Stelzner: That vicious lariat, the Grave Marker! This could be it!
Digger stands above Holmes, looking down at his opponent. He pulls him up, lifting him over his shoulders and into position. Thursday immediately jumps back onto the apron, yelling and pointing. Digger isn’t taking the bait – he drops down to nail the Death Driver! He rolls Holmes over for the pin.
Crowd: ONE! TWO! THR-
But no! Holmes places his foot on the rope in the last possible moment! The crowd erupts in boos as Thursday audibly squeals with excitement from the outside.
Chris Morrell: He’s an annoying cunt, isn’t he?
Michael Stelzner: You mean “she”?
Chris Morrell: No, I mean Jared. Won’t stay down.
Gravedigger pushes himself up, grabbing Holmes by a handful of hair. He lifts him up and over his shoulder again. Holmes reaches out and grips the top rope, using it to push himself up and out of position. Digger fights to pull him back, and when Holmes releases, the shift in momentum causes Digger to stumble. It’s enough – Holmes twists around to lock his legs around Digger’s neck and flip over him, driving him headfirst into the matt with the Dolphin Driver. Both men lay exhausted and beaten on the matt.
Michael Stelzner: Jesus Christ! Jared has him down; can he capitalize? Is he even able to?
After a moment, Jared rolls over and onto Gravedigger.
Referee: One!... Two!.. Thr-
No! Gravedigger lifts his shoulder! Jared rolls off of him, his eyes locked on the ceiling in shock. His hands come to his hair, pushing his bangs out of his eyes.
Michael Stelzner: The Six God can’t believe it! Nobody has ever kicked out of the Dolphin Driver!
Jared rolls back onto Gravedigger, hooking his leg this time.
Referee: One! Two!
Gravedigger kicks out on a solid two! Jared slaps the matt in fury, hooking the leg a third time, but Gravedigger rolls him up in a small package!
Referee: One! Two!
Jared kicks out. The two get to their feet, and Jared immediately blasts Digger with a Cliché Kick. Digger stumbles back into the corner, and Jared rushes at him for a Stinger Splash. Digger ducks, sending Jared into the turnbuckle, and Digger pulls the Six God onto his shoulders for the Gringo Stretcher! He wrenches hard on Jared’s back, the Six God screaming in pain! His hand shoots out – he’s got the top rope! The ref calls for the break, but Digger seems unwilling to release.
Referee: One! Two! Three! Four!
Digger shrugs – from the Gringo Stretcher, he pushes Holmes up and nails the Embalmer! The crowd goes wild as Gravedigger rolls Holmes over for the pin.
Referee: One! Two! Thr-
NO! Jared kicks out! Digger pulls Jared up and whips him at the ropes, but Jared comes back with a double forearm check! A second one!
Chris Morrell: Holmes with the Hammerhead Blitz, here. He stole this from John Cena’s shoulder blocks, you know.
As Jared rushes for the third check, Digger leaps up for South of the Border! Holmes shoves him off, landing Digger on his back. From his standing position, Jared takes a step forward and flips into a Standing Shooting Star Press! He covers!
Referee: One! Two!
Digger kicks out! Jared angrily mounts him again, beginning to throw more punches before Digger shoves him off once more – this time into the referee. The ref falls unconscious to the matt, leaving Digger standing over the Six God; a smile creeps over the Epitome of Hardcore’s Face.
Michael Stelzner: This doesn’t look good for the Celestial Shark.
Chris Morrell: Popcorn. I need it now.
Gravedigger rolls out of the ring, sauntering over to the announce table. He shoves Michael out of his chair, picking it up and folding it. Thursday runs up and begins throwing puppy punches at Digger, but he shoves her aside with ease as he makes his way back into the ring. Jared leans against the ropes, sweat pouring down his face as he eyes Digger with exhaustion and fear. The first chair strike blasts Jared across the head with little resistance.
Chris Morrell: Yeah! Take that, Rat Boy!
After Jared crumples to the matt, a second chair strikes blasts him across the small of the back. With a third chairshot, Jared goes limp.
Michael Stelzner: The Six God is completely beaten. He didn’t even have the stamina to offer a defense against that flurry. This has to be the end.
Digger turns around to look at the ref – still out. He tosses the chair out of the ring, the blood of the Six God now beginning to stain the canvass, as he walks over to the ref. Crouching down, he hardly notices Thursday sliding into the ring behind him.
Michael Stelzner: What’s that in her hand?!
Thursday lunges, swinging a bottle of champagne down and over the head of Gravedigger. The bottle bursts as Digger crumples to the matt, the back of his head pouring blood from the wound.
Chris Morrell: HA! That was like a yacht christening! Amazing!
Despite the attack, Digger doesn’t fall limp. Instead, he slowly pushes himself to his feet as Thursday clubs at his back. He turns and lifts her over his shoulder.
Chris Morrell: Here we go again!
The Death Driver! Thursday hits the matt unconscious. Digger pushes the unconscious Thursday off his shoulder as he stares at Jared Holmes, who has begun to stir. Exhaustion has taken his toll on Digger – he’s slow to begin pushing himself to his feet. Even in his fatigue, he lumbers over to Holmes and lifts him up as the ref begins to stir.
Michael Stelzner: And the ref is coming to! This could be the end!
In position, Digger sits out for the Death Driver, but Holmes slides back over his shoulder to his feet. He blasts Digger in the head with the Cliché Kick! Digger slumps over, his eyes glazed with the blow. Jared grips him under the armpits, straining to pull Digger to a sitting position on the middle rope. He pants heavily as he leans against the corner, Digger still slumped against the rope, before pulling himself to springboard off the bottom rope and flip over Gravedigger, locking his head between his legs.
Michael Stelzner: DOLPHIN DRIVER! IS IT ENOUGH?!
Jared slumps over Digger, a single arm across his opponent as the ref falls for the count.
Referee: ONE! TWO! THREE!
The bell rings as “The Ballad of Maxwell Demon” hits the P.A. The boos of the audience rain down as Jared rolls over onto his back, his arms raised in the air.
Taylor Lorde: Here is your winner! The Six God, Jared Holmes!
Michael Stelzner: And there he did it. Jared Holmes, with an assist by Thursday, has beaten the Epitome of Hardcore.
Chris Morrell: And god help those who have to clean the ring. It’s a fucking disas – oh shit.
Hentai Prince: YOU THINK YOU CAN CHLOROFORM US AND TAKE OUR JOBS!?
Jack Schlongson: GUESS WHERE MY FINGERS ARE GOING, PRETTY BOYS!
Chris and Michael duck back into the crowd as Schlongson and the Hentai Prince give pursuit. In the ring, Jared crawls over to Thursday before helping her up, the two rolling out of the ring with arms raised as the crowd boos.
Jared Holmes: PANTHEON, BITCHES!
In the ring, Gravedigger sits up. He’s slow to get to his base, the ref coming to his aid before Digger shoves him away. The crowd roars in appreciation as Digger gets to his feet and looks around. “Change” by the Deftones hits as Digger rolls out of the ring and makes his way to the back, the building going crazy.
Crowd: THANK YOU DIGGER! THANK YOU DIGGER!
The show cuts to a commercial.
