Post by Gravedigger on Sept 30, 2016 15:43:00 GMT -6
The scene opens up in the UCI studios. UCI Commentators Jimmy Garcia and wrestling legend Gravedigger are seated behind a desk with the UCI logo on the front. Make-up artists and sound techs surround the pair, doing their job to get everything ready. Gravedigger keeps waving the make-up artists off with one hand, with an annoyed look on his face. Someone off set yells something.
Voice: Places everyone!
The make-up artists and sound techs scurry off stage as the two commentators take a last, quick look at the papers in front of them before looking up at the cameras. Off-camera someone can be heard softly counting off and then a hand is pointed towards Jimmy Garcia who speaks.
Gravedigger: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to this special edition of UCI TV. I’m Gravedigger here with Carlos Mencia and we are just da---
Jimmy Garcia interrupts Gravedigger.
Jimmy: Whoa whoa whoa, what did you just call me?
Gravedigger looks at Jimmy with a confused look on his face.
Gravedigger: Jimmy Garcia?
Jimmy scoffs.
Jimmy: No you didn’t. You called me Carlos Mencia.
Gravedigger: Did I?
Jimmy: You did.
Gravedigger: Maybe I got your names mixed up because I was thinking about Carlos Mencia. I was watching one of his comedy shows earlier.
Jimmy: Were you?
Gravedigger: No, I wasn’t.
The two awkwardly glare at each other for a few seconds before Jimmy shuffles his papers in front of him, clears his throat and turns back to the camera.
Jimmy Garcia: Ladies and gentlemen, we are just days away from UCI’s huge October PPV: Jayson Price Presents: Nightmare on South Street, an—
Gravedigger interrupts Jimmy.
Gravedigger: Wait, wait, wait, are you supposed to say Jayson Price Presents? Isn’t the pay-per-view just called Nightmare on South Street?
Jimmy looks at Gravedigger with a confused look.
Jimmy Garcia: Does it really matter?
Gravedigger: Jimmy. Jimmy, it certainly does matter. It’s not bad enough that we have this scum-sucking leech as UCI’s General Manager, but he’s also booking a show which is a clear rip-off of Corey Black’s XIII. I mean he even has it as a 2-night show like Corey was going to do earlier this year.
Jimmy scoffs.
Jimmy: Are you ever going to let go of your grudge with Jayson Price?
Gravedigger: Never.
Jimmy: But, Grav—
Gravedigger: Never.
Jimmy: Yeah, but do—
Gravedigger: Never.
Jimmy lets out an aggravated sigh and mutters under his breath.
Jimmy: To think I passed up a possible career with ESP---
Gravedigger: What was that Jimmy? I couldn’t hear you.
Jimmy rolls his eyes.
Jimmy: Fine, let’s just run through these matches. UCI fans, we have a blockbuster card for you at Jayson Pr---
Gravedigger glares at Jimmy who notices and clears his throat.
Jimmy: I mean at Nightmare on South Street. The first match, held on the Sunday, October 2nd show will be for a spot in the Killing Floor match to be hel---
Gravedigger: What the fuck?!?!
Gravedigger leaps up and knocks his papers off the desk as he says this. Jimmy Garcia jumps and looks over at Gravedigger.
Jimmy: What’s wrong?
Gravedigger: Did you read the full card? What the hell is my name doing on there?
Jimmy: Yes, I read the whole thing and yeah you have a match with Jared Holmes. Did you not read the notes beforehand?
Gravedigger: I’m a wrestling legend, I don’t read shit beforehand! I wing it every week.
Jimmy grins, his eyes looking towards the desk.
Jimmy: Well that certainly explains a lot…
Gravedigger snaps his head towards Jimmy.
Gravedigger: What did you say?
Jimmy, still grinning, holds his hands up submissively. Gravedigger slams one of his big fists down on the desk, shaking it. He turns and storms off camera.
Gravedigger: STASIAK! WHERE ARE YOU?!?
The scene fades out.
=====================
UCI Studios – Backstage
The scene opens up in a cushy looking office backstage. Gravedigger is seated on a couch, both arms out on the top of the couch out on both sides of him, staring at Gravedigger’s legendary manager
Jayson Stasiak. Jayson is seated on the corner of Gravedigger’s desk, arms crossed looking back at Gravedigger.
Jayson Stasiak: So you don’t remember volunteering for this show? We were told it was going to be a big show with legends signing up. I remember you being totally into the idea.
Gravedigger looks at Jayson Stasiak with a “you’re ridiculous” look.
Gravedigger: Well duh, yeah I signed up for it but I didn’t think that it would actually happen. It’s got Jayson Price’s name all over it and it was guaranteed to be a failure! I never thought it would actually be happening and that my name would be on the show.
Jayson Stasiak: Well it is and it was announced nearly two weeks ago. Are you going to no-show or something?
Gravedigger scoffs and then laughs hysterically. He stops and shoots a serious look at Jayson.
Gravedigger: Hell no, I’m not going to no-show. Especially considering who Price put me up against. A young, vicious guy like Jared Holmes. He’s hoping that he’ll tear me to pieces. So what’s the game plan for preparing?
Jayson sighs as he looks off in the distance, lightly chewing on his lip while deep in thought. He eventually responds after a time.
Jayson Stasiak: What about an awesome set of training montages like from the Rocky series?
Gravedigger shakes his head.
Gravedigger: Nope, we’ve done that.
Jayson Stasiak: What about some kind of “This Is Your Life” series of segments where we have people from your life talk about how awesome you are and let everyone know the real you?
Gravedigger shakes his head again.
Gravedigger: No, Jared did that before War last year and it was obviously a waste.
Jayson looks off into the distance thinking again. Gravedigger turns and looks off-camera for a few seconds with a look of interest. A grin slowly spreads across his face.
Gravedigger: Wait a minute. That’s genius.
Jayson turns to Gravedigger and then looks off camera with him. Jayson has a confused look on his face. The camera moves around over their shoulders and points towards the side of the room where a large plasma TV rests. On the TV is footage of the recent Presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Jayson glances at Gravedigger.
Jayson Stasiak: A debate? How the hell is a debate going to help you prep---
Gravedigger sighs and rolls his eyes. He looks at Jayson.
Gravedigger: No, dude. Not a debate. Hold on, I got a phone call to make to a friend. This is going to be fucking genius.
Gravedigger silently chuckles to himself as he pulls out a cell phone from his pocket and starts dialing a number. After a few seconds someone says something to Gravedigger on the phone, but the camera can’t pick it up.
Gravedigger: Tell him it’s Gravedigger. He’ll know who you’re talking about.
Half a minute passes and then someone answers on the other end. Gravedigger laughs.
Gravedigger: Donnie! You old bastard! What are you up to tomorrow night? Cancel it! I got some better publicity for you!
Jayson’s face goes from confusion to shock as the scene fades out.
====================
UCI House Show – Unnamed Location
The scene opens up in a VIP Box at one of the UCI house shows held during the week. Two wrestlers that are not as important as wrestling legend Gravedigger are in the ring and the fans attention is currently turned towards them. Seated in the VIP box is UCI Commentator Gravedigger who is turning his attention between the match and something on his mobile phone he holds in one hand. A knock is suddenly heard on the door behind him to the box.
Gravedigger stands up and grabs a microphone that is nearby. He stands up and gets on the mic.
Gravedigger: Attention everyone. Hey, referee stop the match! We got something more important about to happen up here in the VIP box. Can you scum-sucking leeches down below see me? Did you pay enough for your tickets?
The referee stops the action in the ring while wearing a confused look on his face along with the two wrestlers. The crowd turns towards the VIP booth and start loudly booing.
Gravedigger: Yeah, I get your booing. These guys were really stinking up the ring, I don’t blame you. Anyway pipe down because I’m about to introduce you to one of the most generous and heartfelt human beings you will ever come across. This man has faced unfair and unrelenting scrutiny while his opponent has gotten away with murder…LITERALLY! May I introduce you to my best friend and the man that should be yours as well, the next President of the United States….DONALD TRUMP!
The door to the booth opens up and out walks Donald Trump himself. He walks up and shakes hands with Gravedigger and then turns to the crowd acknowledging them and waving like he’s being simply adored. The unrelenting boos tell a different story however. Gravedigger turns back to the crowd, still holding the microphone.
Gravedigger: Ok so go back to your match, I just wanted to make sure that Donald Trump got the recognition and attention he deserves when he walks into the arena.
The crowd is still booing as Gravedigger and Donald Trump take their seats. The booing goes on for a while even after the action restarts in the ring. Eventually it does die down as Trump turns to Gravedigger.
Donald Trump: Gravedigger, thanks for inviting me out here tonight. It was better than where I was going to be. They were sending me to some nasty looking ghetto in Chicago. Although I do have to say I’m confused by the boos here because aren’t most of these wrestling fans rednecks? I thought that was my voter base?
Gravedigger: It was my honor to have you here with me, Donnie. But actually this is more of an urban area that makes up this crowd so I think these are more of those liberal commies that vote for Bernie or Hillary.
Donald Trump: Ah ok, so that explains a lot. You know it’s nice to be back in a wrestling arena again. I missed this whole show. I haven’t been in an arena since 2009 when I purchased WWE. Does Vince still call you about an appearance contract with his company?
Gravedigger laughs and nods.
Gravedigger: Yeah, he was trying to sign me to one of those appearance contracts like Sting had but I told him that WWE was small fish compared to these other companies I’ve been in during my career.
Donald Trump’s eyebrows raise at that comment.
Donald Trump: Ouch, I’m sure that pissed Vince off.
Gravedigger: Yeah he cussed me out, but fuck Vince. And fuck Hillary! Fuck her! You got this election in the bag but how dare she come after you and your family like that!
Donald Trump nods and grins.
Donald Trump: It’s just despicable how she unfairly comes after my family like that. To think I have been an upstanding person and shown great restraint with my wonderful temperament by not even talking about all of her husband’s infidelities.
Gravedigger: Donnie, you’re a better man than me. I would have torched Bill and embarrassed her right there on the stage.
Donald Trump goes quiet and looks at Gravedigger for a few seconds, studying him.
Donald Trump: Digger, we’ve known each other for a long time now. We can tell each other anything, right?
Gravedigger nods.
Gravedigger: Of course, Donnie. What’s up?
Donald Trump: You said Fuck Hillary earlier and you know what? I want to.
Gravedigger gives Trump a “what the fuck” look.
Gravedigger: Wait what? You want to fuck Hillary?
Donald Trump: Look, I’m a selfish man when it comes to the bedroom and don’t like the thought of ‘crossing swords’ but how would you like to double team Hillary with me?
Gravedigger is still in disbelief.
Gravedigger: Wait, what?
Donald Trump: Look, it’s a brilliant plan, Digger and I’ve talked to many people and many people are saying she totally wants to have sex with me. Look, here’s the plan and it’s YUGE and it’s brilliant and the best ever. If we fuck her and she wins the election, I can go on camera and tell the whole world about how I had sex with her in exchange for the Presidency. But if I win and become President, I can still go on camera and brag about how I fucked her twice in one year.
Gravedigger howls with laughter.
Gravedigger: I’m in! Set that shit up!
Gravedigger suddenly looks down and reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. He puts it to his ear.
Gravedigger: Hello? This better be fucking important, Jayson. What? Hold on let me ask.
Gravedigger turns to Donald Trump.
Gravedigger: Yo, Donnie, you want to help me with my promo for the match at Price’s show?
Donald Trump: Is that not what we’re doing now?
Gravedigger: Nah, man, you want to help with the shit talk part?
Donald Trump’s eyebrows raise up.
Donald Trump: Can I?
Gravedigger: Hell yeah!
Gravedigger and Donald Trump high five. Gravedigger turns back to the phone.
Gravedigger: Hell yeah Jayson. Set that shit up. We’ll head over there soon.
The scene fades out once more.
====================
Unknown Location
The scene fades into some darkly lit room with a Persian rug hanging on one wall. In front of that is a camera on a tripod pointing at the rug with its light on, lighting up the wall with the rug. As a figure walks across the darkened part of the room, the point of view switches to the camera. We see Gravedigger and Donald Trump enter from different sides of the screen. Donald Trump is puffing on a cigarette and he blows out a smoke ring and then drops the cigarette. The unmistakable sound of the scuffing of a dress shoe on the floor can be heard, obviously the sound of Trump putting out the cigarette. Gravedigger is seen glaring at Trump.
Gravedigger: Donnie, what the hell? I was going to get a drag on that before you put it out.
Donald Trump shrugs.
Donald Trump: Sorry about that Gravedigger, I was trying to be cool and appeal to the millennials out there.
Gravedigger: Fuck the millennials. They don’t do shit for this country but complain and keep their grubby hands out for free shit. Look let’s get this shit started. Jayson, bring her in.
A door can be heard opening off-camera and in walks a woman with big boobs wearing a red bikini. She steps on screen and stands between Trump and Gravedigger. They each put an arm around her and their eyes pop as they mockingly stare at her large breasts. They finally compose themselves and look at the camera as Gravedigger speaks.
Gravedigger: So, sweetheart. Tell the audience what your name is.
Woman: Hillary Clinton.
Gravedigger grins.
Gravedigger: So we said the other day at the house show that we were going to fuck Hillary Clinton. We were going to double team her. So without further ado…nah I’m kidding! Tell them your real name.
Woman: I did. It’s Hillary Clinton.
Gravedigger has a look of confusion on his face as does Donald Trump.
Donald Trump: Seriously? What is this shit?
Gravedigger: Your name really is Hillary Clinton?
The woman nods. Gravedigger has a stumped look on his face.
Gravedigger: Yeah I’m not really sure how to react to this. Uh, fuck it, so anyway, that whole bit was a joke despite this stripper’s name actually being Hillary Clinton. So we got this stripper here because if I’m going to do a promo with my boy Donnie, what better way than to be cliché as fuck, am I right, Donnie?
Donald Trump shrugs.
Donald Trump: Why not?
Gravedigger glares at Trump, trying to figure out if that was an attempt at a joke. Digger turns back to the camera after a few seconds.
Gravedigger: So, what better way than to snort some coke before we start, right?
The sound of someone spitting out their water off-camera can be heard. Everyone looks in the direction the sound came from.
Gravedigger: You ok over there Jayson?
Jayson Stasiak (off-camera): This shit is seriously cocaine? I thought this was baking powder or something harmless.
Gravedigger gives Jayson a “what the fuck” look.
Gravedigger: Why the hell would we snort baking soda?! That shit is harmful and would not be healthy to snort.
Jayson Stasiak (off-camera): How is COCAINE healthy to snort either?
Gravedigger: Valid question. Seriously though, bring that tray over here.
Jayson Stasiak (off-camera): Mr. Trump are you sure this is a good idea? You’re running for President.
Trump shrugs with an “I don’t give a fuck” look on his face.
Donald Trump: Why not?
Gravedigger: Yeah why not, Jayson? We’ll still vote for him anyway.
Jayson Stasiak walks onto the screen and hands a golden tray to the stripper. It has a big vial of cocaine and a card on it.
Jayson Stasiak: You’re voting for him. I’m voting third party. Both you and Clinton are terrible candidates!
Trump and Gravedigger have shocked looks on their faces.
Gravedigger: So you’re voting for Clinton?
Jayson Stasiak: No I’m voting for Gary Johnson or Jill Stein.
Gravedigger: You as might as well vote for Clinton if you’re voting for third party. You know what, Donnie do the honors.
Trump’s face turns red as he leans forward.
Donald Trump: YOU’RE FIRED!
Jayson Stasiak: What?!?
Gravedigger: You heard him Jayson. Get the fuck out! Get the fuck out of here.
Gravedigger shoves Jayson off-screen and a few seconds later, you hear a door opening and slamming. The stripper’s eyes are wide and she just stands there quietly, saying nothing. Gravedigger and Trump both compose themselves and Gravedigger reaches over and grabs the vial of cocaine. He stops and looks at Trump.
Gravedigger: Do we snort if off her ass or her tits?
Donald Trump answers without hesitation.
Donald Trump: Tits. Tits are always the correct answer.
Gravedigger holds a hand up and high fives Trump. Gravedigger brushes the woman’s hair from her ample chest and dabbles out a couple of lines of coke, one on each tit as the woman leans back a little. Trump gestures at Digger who snorts his line. He stands up with a little bit of the white powder still on his nose and snorts in some more to make sure he got it all. Trump however, not only snorts his line, but motorboats the woman and stands up, cocaine smeared across his nose and a little on his cheeks.
Donald Trump: WOOO FUCK YEAH! SUCK IT, CNN! Fuck you Megyn Kelly, Rosie O’Donnell, and the Khan woman! FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!
Gravedigger is finally feeling it as well and yells out, too.
Gravedigger: FUCK YOU Jimmy Garcia! Fuck you Jayson Price! Fuck you Katherine Phoenix! WOOOOOOO!
Gravedigger shakes his head like a madman. He reaches over and pops the stripper on the ass. Digger puts an arm around her and stares at the camera. Donald Trump starts shaking and moving his arms like The Ultimate Warrior.
Gravedigger: Look Jared Holmes, you want to talk about dank this and dank that throughout your career, there ain’t nothing more dank than recording a promo in front of a fucking Persian rug while snorting cocaine off a stripper’s tits with Donald fucking Trump. I’d challenge you to be more dank than this but like your career thus far, you always seem to fall shy of greatness.
After listening to what you said about me in your promo, I got to say that you’re a ballsy motherfucker. Ballsy, yet fucking stupid. You’re probably sitting there laughing at the thought of me calling you stupid and wondering how I can come to that conclusion. It’s because you fall into the same fucking trap as all the others who faced me over the years. You talk about how I was great once, but no longer and you talk about all the bad things that have happened in the last couple of years since I retired, but see that’s where you make your mistake.
Los Tiburones, Jared Holmes, whatever the fuck you call yourself. You’re delusional if you think I’m still not great. Even in retirement, my phone still rings. I’m still asked and sometimes begged to show up for appearances. UCI opened its doors and started off with a lackluster commentary team and the ratings were starting to dip. UCI knew it needed someone great. My contract with WCF came up and I decided not to renew and who comes calling at my door? Not just UCI, but Jayson Price himself. My mortal enemy. A guy who has mutually hated my guts for years knew how great I was, not only in the wrestling business but behind the desk as well.
I was also asked to be on this show, to sign my name as one of the participants because MY name equals ratings. MY name equals money. What the fuck does your name equal? See that’s what we’re going to look at right now. We’re going to see what your name equals now because I can guarantee that when you eventually retire, your name won’t mean shit. That phone of yours won’t ring, asking you to make appearances, it won’t ring asking you to be the face or voice of a company. Not even the local indy wrestling companies that are featured in city armories or city park gymnasiums will even ask for Jared Holmes.
Donald Trump interrupts Gravedigger.
Donald Trump: And after this promo we’re throwing your ass on the other side of the wall, LOS TIBURONES! With all the Mexican rapists!
Gravedigger grins.
Gravedigger: Yeah, get the fuck back over the wall you fucking wannabe Mexican. You’re not even worthy of your little Mexican nickname. Wait, what? No, back on topic. Donnie, here take the stripper and go into that room over there.
The stripper giggles as Donald Trump takes her by the hand and goes off screen. Gravedigger turns back to the camera.
Gravedigger: Now, I explained how I’m still great despite what you think and to address the part about you talking about how I was great once, let’s take a look at that a little closer here, Jared. You talk about how I was great once, referring to before retirement and see that’s going to be another difference between me and you pre-retirement. Jared, looking back at your career thus far, not even slightly fucking impressive. What the fuck have you done in your career thus far? TV champion, Trio Cup winner, tied record for most eliminations in a War match, faction leader of #Beachkrew and owner of WCF. Now to the average person comparing you to the average WCF wrestler, those are some pretty big accolades. I mean to most WCF wrestlers throughout the history of the company, those are some impressive stats there buddy, but see that’s the thing. My career, and I’m just focusing on WCF alone as talking about the other companies I was in would make this comparison even more unfair, was not like most WCF wrestlers. In fact, with the exception of you winning the Trios Cup, I’ve done all of those things you’ve done, but I did them better and I did even more than that.
TV champion? Been there, done that. You defeated and lost the belt to Teo Del Sol. Pretty impressive. My TV championship reign began and ended with John Gable and ZMac respectively which is far more impressive. Not to mention at the tail end of my career, just a couple of months shy of my retirement.
Tied record for most eliminations in a War match? Yeah you have more eliminations than me, but when I also tied the record, I wasn’t stopped eventually. I went on and won the damn thing AND become world champion. Both are things you never did and more than likely never will do.
Leader of a faction? Been there, done that. The major difference is I spent nearly my entire time as leader of the faction with world title and tag title gold around my waist or as owner of the damn company. My group held all the titles but one with me as the top dog. We held the place down with an iron fist. WCF threw all the top stars at me and tried to take the company back. I turned away everyone except Torture who was too afraid to face me on his own.
Now, I don’t want to turn this around and go over the other many accomplishments that I had while in WCF, so let’s keep the focus on you right now. Who have you really even beaten during your time as a wrestler? None of the names you have beaten are big names with the exception of Sarah Twilight. Even then, anyone who watched Sarah Twilight in the last year or so has seen a Sarah Twilight that is not the same as she once was. You were facing a broken and beaten down Sarah Twilight. You were not beating the vicious bitch that held the world title or had an iron grip on the company. That Sarah Twilight was beaten into submission long ago so when we REALLY take a step back, you didn’t really have a single impressive win during your entire tenure in WCF. Even your losses were pretty much against mediocre at best opponents. My win/loss record is full of current Hall of Famers and future, potential Hall of Famers. The people you beat or that beat you for the most part will not be remembered years from now when fans talk about the glory days of wrestling. I, Gravedigger, will always be talked about and remembered as a wrestling legend.
You talk about this return to the ring you’re making at MY expense, but I’ve got to say thank you for that comment. Thank you for that reminder, because as much as I have been referred to as a genius when it comes to wrestling and wrestling history, I had almost forgotten about you. The only thing that keeps you in my mind is seeing people like Wade Moor, Dustin Beaver, Kyle Kemp, and Johnny Rabid. These are members of #Beachkrew that were real titleholders. They weren’t one-week wonders. You may have been considered the leader of the faction, but these men were the ones that did all the work. THEY are the ones that made #Beachkrew as dangerous as they were.
What the fuck did you even do in #Beachkrew? Spent half its lifespan injured and spent the remainder of the time saying dank and doodling 6ix instead of Six everywhere like some kind of high school cheerleader bimbo. Seriously, what the fuck is up with you spelling six with the number instead of the letter S?
So your return to wrestling, basically your UCI debut is against Gravedigger. I know I’m not in my prime and I’m not at the top of my game, but based on your past track record, how do we even know you’re in your prime? Do you even have a prime?
I said earlier that you fell into the same trap that all the others do and here’s another way to explain that comment by me. You talk about how I’m old and washed up and all this other shit like the others do, but what’s that going to say about you when we’re in the ring? See, you’ll either win or lose. Me? I win either way. You already gave me a victory either way because hey if I lose, it’s just because I’m old and retired and possibly out of shape? If you beat me, no one will bat an eye. I mean sure, it gives you a notch in your belt to beat a wrestling legend such as myself. It gives you the rub you oh so desperately need. You got a win over wrestling legend Gravedigger, only there will be an asterisk beside it followed by “but he was retired and hadn’t wrestled a serious match in nearly TWO YEARS”. I mean like you said. I entered the ring at War, fucked off and got eliminated by Sanchez and sat back down behind the commentary table.
So big deal if you fucking beat me. It doesn’t damage my record either. If I lose, it doesn’t hurt my legacy, even with how much I’ve trashed you and yours. However, if I win. If you lose, your career suffers irreparable damage. If I beat you in that ring, you’d be better off retiring and hanging up the boots now because I can tell you that you’re not going to come back from that especially with me behind that commentary table. I’m a big shit talker. I love to hear myself talk. I love to brag about my accomplishments. What I wouldn’t love more is to remind the fans each week and you if you watch the replays of our show how I beat you.
A young buck with many, many years left until retirement getting beaten down by an old man past his prime and retired for years. See, if there’s any brain matter in that thick skull of yours, I’m under your skin right now. You’re starting to think that maybe Gravedigger’s right. You’re going to start worrying about this match. You’re going to get a little distracted. You should worry. I’m not just showing up to this match just as an appearance. I don’t want to just walk into this match and get beaten down. I’m not just adding an extra zero or two to my paycheck for the month. No, since you had to run your mouth, I’m coming down to the ring to shut it.
You make an old man get off my lawn type joke and think you’re fucking cute. You’re not only on my lawn, you walked inside MY building. You walked down MY ramp and got inside MY ring. This isn’t your ring you’re walking into. Like I’ve been saying for the past few minutes, you haven’t done shit to earn this ring and I don’t believe you ever will you scum-sucking leech. You aren’t this ring, you aren’t wrestling, you just simply exist and when that bell rings and our match begins, I’ll be snuffing out your existence in it. This will be both your return to wrestling and your retirement from it.
Off-camera a door bursts open and a woman’s muffled giggling can be heard from far away. Gravedigger looks off-camera with a disgusted look.
Gravedigger: Donnie, put on some pants!
Donald Trump: Fuck me…
A minute later and after some shuffling is heard followed by some more giggling off-camera, Donald Trump stumbles back onto the screen and puts his arm back around Gravedigger, pointing at the screen.
Donald Trump: You still talking shit to that Syxx guy? That nWo guy?
Gravedigger laughs.
Gravedigger: Yeah, the Six God guy, Jared Holmes. NOT the XPac guy from wrestling. Although, they both had a somewhat similar amount of success in wrestling I guess you could say.
Donald Trump: You know what? FUCK HIM! He’s a fucking race traitor is what I fucking say.
Gravedigger: What?!
Donald Trump: Yeah! He’s a fucking race traitor. This motherfucker, this Holmes guy he had a black guy in his Beachkrew group.
Gravedigger: #BeachKrew
Donald Trump: That’s what I said. Beachkrew.
Gravedigger: No, it’s #Beachkrew
Donald Trump: What am I saying wrong?
Gravedigger: You said Beachkrew, but it’s #Beachkrew.
Donald Trump: Do I have to say the hashtag?
Gravedigger: Yes.
Donald Trump: Why the fuck do I have to say that shit? Is that what they named the group? See, this is the shit I’m talking about Gravedigger. White people don’t use hashtags, that’s a minority thing. Again, Holmes is a race traitor.
Gravedigger laughs and shakes his head.
Gravedigger: I don’t know what to tell you, Donnie. Let’s go out and get fucking wasted. Maybe we’ll hit up ol’ fun bags herself, the REAL Hillary and see what’s up?
Donald Trump holds up a hand for another high five.
Donald Trump: THAT’S what I’m talking about.
Gravedigger and Donald Trump walk off camera but can still be heard in the background.
Donald Trump: Do you think she’s tight? Like obviously Bill doesn’t get any and maybe she used some of those weights after Chelsea to tighten her shit bac….
The scene fades to black in mid-sentence.
Voice: Places everyone!
The make-up artists and sound techs scurry off stage as the two commentators take a last, quick look at the papers in front of them before looking up at the cameras. Off-camera someone can be heard softly counting off and then a hand is pointed towards Jimmy Garcia who speaks.
Gravedigger: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to this special edition of UCI TV. I’m Gravedigger here with Carlos Mencia and we are just da---
Jimmy Garcia interrupts Gravedigger.
Jimmy: Whoa whoa whoa, what did you just call me?
Gravedigger looks at Jimmy with a confused look on his face.
Gravedigger: Jimmy Garcia?
Jimmy scoffs.
Jimmy: No you didn’t. You called me Carlos Mencia.
Gravedigger: Did I?
Jimmy: You did.
Gravedigger: Maybe I got your names mixed up because I was thinking about Carlos Mencia. I was watching one of his comedy shows earlier.
Jimmy: Were you?
Gravedigger: No, I wasn’t.
The two awkwardly glare at each other for a few seconds before Jimmy shuffles his papers in front of him, clears his throat and turns back to the camera.
Jimmy Garcia: Ladies and gentlemen, we are just days away from UCI’s huge October PPV: Jayson Price Presents: Nightmare on South Street, an—
Gravedigger interrupts Jimmy.
Gravedigger: Wait, wait, wait, are you supposed to say Jayson Price Presents? Isn’t the pay-per-view just called Nightmare on South Street?
Jimmy looks at Gravedigger with a confused look.
Jimmy Garcia: Does it really matter?
Gravedigger: Jimmy. Jimmy, it certainly does matter. It’s not bad enough that we have this scum-sucking leech as UCI’s General Manager, but he’s also booking a show which is a clear rip-off of Corey Black’s XIII. I mean he even has it as a 2-night show like Corey was going to do earlier this year.
Jimmy scoffs.
Jimmy: Are you ever going to let go of your grudge with Jayson Price?
Gravedigger: Never.
Jimmy: But, Grav—
Gravedigger: Never.
Jimmy: Yeah, but do—
Gravedigger: Never.
Jimmy lets out an aggravated sigh and mutters under his breath.
Jimmy: To think I passed up a possible career with ESP---
Gravedigger: What was that Jimmy? I couldn’t hear you.
Jimmy rolls his eyes.
Jimmy: Fine, let’s just run through these matches. UCI fans, we have a blockbuster card for you at Jayson Pr---
Gravedigger glares at Jimmy who notices and clears his throat.
Jimmy: I mean at Nightmare on South Street. The first match, held on the Sunday, October 2nd show will be for a spot in the Killing Floor match to be hel---
Gravedigger: What the fuck?!?!
Gravedigger leaps up and knocks his papers off the desk as he says this. Jimmy Garcia jumps and looks over at Gravedigger.
Jimmy: What’s wrong?
Gravedigger: Did you read the full card? What the hell is my name doing on there?
Jimmy: Yes, I read the whole thing and yeah you have a match with Jared Holmes. Did you not read the notes beforehand?
Gravedigger: I’m a wrestling legend, I don’t read shit beforehand! I wing it every week.
Jimmy grins, his eyes looking towards the desk.
Jimmy: Well that certainly explains a lot…
Gravedigger snaps his head towards Jimmy.
Gravedigger: What did you say?
Jimmy, still grinning, holds his hands up submissively. Gravedigger slams one of his big fists down on the desk, shaking it. He turns and storms off camera.
Gravedigger: STASIAK! WHERE ARE YOU?!?
The scene fades out.
=====================
UCI Studios – Backstage
The scene opens up in a cushy looking office backstage. Gravedigger is seated on a couch, both arms out on the top of the couch out on both sides of him, staring at Gravedigger’s legendary manager
Jayson Stasiak. Jayson is seated on the corner of Gravedigger’s desk, arms crossed looking back at Gravedigger.
Jayson Stasiak: So you don’t remember volunteering for this show? We were told it was going to be a big show with legends signing up. I remember you being totally into the idea.
Gravedigger looks at Jayson Stasiak with a “you’re ridiculous” look.
Gravedigger: Well duh, yeah I signed up for it but I didn’t think that it would actually happen. It’s got Jayson Price’s name all over it and it was guaranteed to be a failure! I never thought it would actually be happening and that my name would be on the show.
Jayson Stasiak: Well it is and it was announced nearly two weeks ago. Are you going to no-show or something?
Gravedigger scoffs and then laughs hysterically. He stops and shoots a serious look at Jayson.
Gravedigger: Hell no, I’m not going to no-show. Especially considering who Price put me up against. A young, vicious guy like Jared Holmes. He’s hoping that he’ll tear me to pieces. So what’s the game plan for preparing?
Jayson sighs as he looks off in the distance, lightly chewing on his lip while deep in thought. He eventually responds after a time.
Jayson Stasiak: What about an awesome set of training montages like from the Rocky series?
Gravedigger shakes his head.
Gravedigger: Nope, we’ve done that.
Jayson Stasiak: What about some kind of “This Is Your Life” series of segments where we have people from your life talk about how awesome you are and let everyone know the real you?
Gravedigger shakes his head again.
Gravedigger: No, Jared did that before War last year and it was obviously a waste.
Jayson looks off into the distance thinking again. Gravedigger turns and looks off-camera for a few seconds with a look of interest. A grin slowly spreads across his face.
Gravedigger: Wait a minute. That’s genius.
Jayson turns to Gravedigger and then looks off camera with him. Jayson has a confused look on his face. The camera moves around over their shoulders and points towards the side of the room where a large plasma TV rests. On the TV is footage of the recent Presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Jayson glances at Gravedigger.
Jayson Stasiak: A debate? How the hell is a debate going to help you prep---
Gravedigger sighs and rolls his eyes. He looks at Jayson.
Gravedigger: No, dude. Not a debate. Hold on, I got a phone call to make to a friend. This is going to be fucking genius.
Gravedigger silently chuckles to himself as he pulls out a cell phone from his pocket and starts dialing a number. After a few seconds someone says something to Gravedigger on the phone, but the camera can’t pick it up.
Gravedigger: Tell him it’s Gravedigger. He’ll know who you’re talking about.
Half a minute passes and then someone answers on the other end. Gravedigger laughs.
Gravedigger: Donnie! You old bastard! What are you up to tomorrow night? Cancel it! I got some better publicity for you!
Jayson’s face goes from confusion to shock as the scene fades out.
====================
UCI House Show – Unnamed Location
The scene opens up in a VIP Box at one of the UCI house shows held during the week. Two wrestlers that are not as important as wrestling legend Gravedigger are in the ring and the fans attention is currently turned towards them. Seated in the VIP box is UCI Commentator Gravedigger who is turning his attention between the match and something on his mobile phone he holds in one hand. A knock is suddenly heard on the door behind him to the box.
Gravedigger stands up and grabs a microphone that is nearby. He stands up and gets on the mic.
Gravedigger: Attention everyone. Hey, referee stop the match! We got something more important about to happen up here in the VIP box. Can you scum-sucking leeches down below see me? Did you pay enough for your tickets?
The referee stops the action in the ring while wearing a confused look on his face along with the two wrestlers. The crowd turns towards the VIP booth and start loudly booing.
Gravedigger: Yeah, I get your booing. These guys were really stinking up the ring, I don’t blame you. Anyway pipe down because I’m about to introduce you to one of the most generous and heartfelt human beings you will ever come across. This man has faced unfair and unrelenting scrutiny while his opponent has gotten away with murder…LITERALLY! May I introduce you to my best friend and the man that should be yours as well, the next President of the United States….DONALD TRUMP!
The door to the booth opens up and out walks Donald Trump himself. He walks up and shakes hands with Gravedigger and then turns to the crowd acknowledging them and waving like he’s being simply adored. The unrelenting boos tell a different story however. Gravedigger turns back to the crowd, still holding the microphone.
Gravedigger: Ok so go back to your match, I just wanted to make sure that Donald Trump got the recognition and attention he deserves when he walks into the arena.
The crowd is still booing as Gravedigger and Donald Trump take their seats. The booing goes on for a while even after the action restarts in the ring. Eventually it does die down as Trump turns to Gravedigger.
Donald Trump: Gravedigger, thanks for inviting me out here tonight. It was better than where I was going to be. They were sending me to some nasty looking ghetto in Chicago. Although I do have to say I’m confused by the boos here because aren’t most of these wrestling fans rednecks? I thought that was my voter base?
Gravedigger: It was my honor to have you here with me, Donnie. But actually this is more of an urban area that makes up this crowd so I think these are more of those liberal commies that vote for Bernie or Hillary.
Donald Trump: Ah ok, so that explains a lot. You know it’s nice to be back in a wrestling arena again. I missed this whole show. I haven’t been in an arena since 2009 when I purchased WWE. Does Vince still call you about an appearance contract with his company?
Gravedigger laughs and nods.
Gravedigger: Yeah, he was trying to sign me to one of those appearance contracts like Sting had but I told him that WWE was small fish compared to these other companies I’ve been in during my career.
Donald Trump’s eyebrows raise at that comment.
Donald Trump: Ouch, I’m sure that pissed Vince off.
Gravedigger: Yeah he cussed me out, but fuck Vince. And fuck Hillary! Fuck her! You got this election in the bag but how dare she come after you and your family like that!
Donald Trump nods and grins.
Donald Trump: It’s just despicable how she unfairly comes after my family like that. To think I have been an upstanding person and shown great restraint with my wonderful temperament by not even talking about all of her husband’s infidelities.
Gravedigger: Donnie, you’re a better man than me. I would have torched Bill and embarrassed her right there on the stage.
Donald Trump goes quiet and looks at Gravedigger for a few seconds, studying him.
Donald Trump: Digger, we’ve known each other for a long time now. We can tell each other anything, right?
Gravedigger nods.
Gravedigger: Of course, Donnie. What’s up?
Donald Trump: You said Fuck Hillary earlier and you know what? I want to.
Gravedigger gives Trump a “what the fuck” look.
Gravedigger: Wait what? You want to fuck Hillary?
Donald Trump: Look, I’m a selfish man when it comes to the bedroom and don’t like the thought of ‘crossing swords’ but how would you like to double team Hillary with me?
Gravedigger is still in disbelief.
Gravedigger: Wait, what?
Donald Trump: Look, it’s a brilliant plan, Digger and I’ve talked to many people and many people are saying she totally wants to have sex with me. Look, here’s the plan and it’s YUGE and it’s brilliant and the best ever. If we fuck her and she wins the election, I can go on camera and tell the whole world about how I had sex with her in exchange for the Presidency. But if I win and become President, I can still go on camera and brag about how I fucked her twice in one year.
Gravedigger howls with laughter.
Gravedigger: I’m in! Set that shit up!
Gravedigger suddenly looks down and reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. He puts it to his ear.
Gravedigger: Hello? This better be fucking important, Jayson. What? Hold on let me ask.
Gravedigger turns to Donald Trump.
Gravedigger: Yo, Donnie, you want to help me with my promo for the match at Price’s show?
Donald Trump: Is that not what we’re doing now?
Gravedigger: Nah, man, you want to help with the shit talk part?
Donald Trump’s eyebrows raise up.
Donald Trump: Can I?
Gravedigger: Hell yeah!
Gravedigger and Donald Trump high five. Gravedigger turns back to the phone.
Gravedigger: Hell yeah Jayson. Set that shit up. We’ll head over there soon.
The scene fades out once more.
====================
Unknown Location
The scene fades into some darkly lit room with a Persian rug hanging on one wall. In front of that is a camera on a tripod pointing at the rug with its light on, lighting up the wall with the rug. As a figure walks across the darkened part of the room, the point of view switches to the camera. We see Gravedigger and Donald Trump enter from different sides of the screen. Donald Trump is puffing on a cigarette and he blows out a smoke ring and then drops the cigarette. The unmistakable sound of the scuffing of a dress shoe on the floor can be heard, obviously the sound of Trump putting out the cigarette. Gravedigger is seen glaring at Trump.
Gravedigger: Donnie, what the hell? I was going to get a drag on that before you put it out.
Donald Trump shrugs.
Donald Trump: Sorry about that Gravedigger, I was trying to be cool and appeal to the millennials out there.
Gravedigger: Fuck the millennials. They don’t do shit for this country but complain and keep their grubby hands out for free shit. Look let’s get this shit started. Jayson, bring her in.
A door can be heard opening off-camera and in walks a woman with big boobs wearing a red bikini. She steps on screen and stands between Trump and Gravedigger. They each put an arm around her and their eyes pop as they mockingly stare at her large breasts. They finally compose themselves and look at the camera as Gravedigger speaks.
Gravedigger: So, sweetheart. Tell the audience what your name is.
Woman: Hillary Clinton.
Gravedigger grins.
Gravedigger: So we said the other day at the house show that we were going to fuck Hillary Clinton. We were going to double team her. So without further ado…nah I’m kidding! Tell them your real name.
Woman: I did. It’s Hillary Clinton.
Gravedigger has a look of confusion on his face as does Donald Trump.
Donald Trump: Seriously? What is this shit?
Gravedigger: Your name really is Hillary Clinton?
The woman nods. Gravedigger has a stumped look on his face.
Gravedigger: Yeah I’m not really sure how to react to this. Uh, fuck it, so anyway, that whole bit was a joke despite this stripper’s name actually being Hillary Clinton. So we got this stripper here because if I’m going to do a promo with my boy Donnie, what better way than to be cliché as fuck, am I right, Donnie?
Donald Trump shrugs.
Donald Trump: Why not?
Gravedigger glares at Trump, trying to figure out if that was an attempt at a joke. Digger turns back to the camera after a few seconds.
Gravedigger: So, what better way than to snort some coke before we start, right?
The sound of someone spitting out their water off-camera can be heard. Everyone looks in the direction the sound came from.
Gravedigger: You ok over there Jayson?
Jayson Stasiak (off-camera): This shit is seriously cocaine? I thought this was baking powder or something harmless.
Gravedigger gives Jayson a “what the fuck” look.
Gravedigger: Why the hell would we snort baking soda?! That shit is harmful and would not be healthy to snort.
Jayson Stasiak (off-camera): How is COCAINE healthy to snort either?
Gravedigger: Valid question. Seriously though, bring that tray over here.
Jayson Stasiak (off-camera): Mr. Trump are you sure this is a good idea? You’re running for President.
Trump shrugs with an “I don’t give a fuck” look on his face.
Donald Trump: Why not?
Gravedigger: Yeah why not, Jayson? We’ll still vote for him anyway.
Jayson Stasiak walks onto the screen and hands a golden tray to the stripper. It has a big vial of cocaine and a card on it.
Jayson Stasiak: You’re voting for him. I’m voting third party. Both you and Clinton are terrible candidates!
Trump and Gravedigger have shocked looks on their faces.
Gravedigger: So you’re voting for Clinton?
Jayson Stasiak: No I’m voting for Gary Johnson or Jill Stein.
Gravedigger: You as might as well vote for Clinton if you’re voting for third party. You know what, Donnie do the honors.
Trump’s face turns red as he leans forward.
Donald Trump: YOU’RE FIRED!
Jayson Stasiak: What?!?
Gravedigger: You heard him Jayson. Get the fuck out! Get the fuck out of here.
Gravedigger shoves Jayson off-screen and a few seconds later, you hear a door opening and slamming. The stripper’s eyes are wide and she just stands there quietly, saying nothing. Gravedigger and Trump both compose themselves and Gravedigger reaches over and grabs the vial of cocaine. He stops and looks at Trump.
Gravedigger: Do we snort if off her ass or her tits?
Donald Trump answers without hesitation.
Donald Trump: Tits. Tits are always the correct answer.
Gravedigger holds a hand up and high fives Trump. Gravedigger brushes the woman’s hair from her ample chest and dabbles out a couple of lines of coke, one on each tit as the woman leans back a little. Trump gestures at Digger who snorts his line. He stands up with a little bit of the white powder still on his nose and snorts in some more to make sure he got it all. Trump however, not only snorts his line, but motorboats the woman and stands up, cocaine smeared across his nose and a little on his cheeks.
Donald Trump: WOOO FUCK YEAH! SUCK IT, CNN! Fuck you Megyn Kelly, Rosie O’Donnell, and the Khan woman! FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!
Gravedigger is finally feeling it as well and yells out, too.
Gravedigger: FUCK YOU Jimmy Garcia! Fuck you Jayson Price! Fuck you Katherine Phoenix! WOOOOOOO!
Gravedigger shakes his head like a madman. He reaches over and pops the stripper on the ass. Digger puts an arm around her and stares at the camera. Donald Trump starts shaking and moving his arms like The Ultimate Warrior.
Gravedigger: Look Jared Holmes, you want to talk about dank this and dank that throughout your career, there ain’t nothing more dank than recording a promo in front of a fucking Persian rug while snorting cocaine off a stripper’s tits with Donald fucking Trump. I’d challenge you to be more dank than this but like your career thus far, you always seem to fall shy of greatness.
After listening to what you said about me in your promo, I got to say that you’re a ballsy motherfucker. Ballsy, yet fucking stupid. You’re probably sitting there laughing at the thought of me calling you stupid and wondering how I can come to that conclusion. It’s because you fall into the same fucking trap as all the others who faced me over the years. You talk about how I was great once, but no longer and you talk about all the bad things that have happened in the last couple of years since I retired, but see that’s where you make your mistake.
Los Tiburones, Jared Holmes, whatever the fuck you call yourself. You’re delusional if you think I’m still not great. Even in retirement, my phone still rings. I’m still asked and sometimes begged to show up for appearances. UCI opened its doors and started off with a lackluster commentary team and the ratings were starting to dip. UCI knew it needed someone great. My contract with WCF came up and I decided not to renew and who comes calling at my door? Not just UCI, but Jayson Price himself. My mortal enemy. A guy who has mutually hated my guts for years knew how great I was, not only in the wrestling business but behind the desk as well.
I was also asked to be on this show, to sign my name as one of the participants because MY name equals ratings. MY name equals money. What the fuck does your name equal? See that’s what we’re going to look at right now. We’re going to see what your name equals now because I can guarantee that when you eventually retire, your name won’t mean shit. That phone of yours won’t ring, asking you to make appearances, it won’t ring asking you to be the face or voice of a company. Not even the local indy wrestling companies that are featured in city armories or city park gymnasiums will even ask for Jared Holmes.
Donald Trump interrupts Gravedigger.
Donald Trump: And after this promo we’re throwing your ass on the other side of the wall, LOS TIBURONES! With all the Mexican rapists!
Gravedigger grins.
Gravedigger: Yeah, get the fuck back over the wall you fucking wannabe Mexican. You’re not even worthy of your little Mexican nickname. Wait, what? No, back on topic. Donnie, here take the stripper and go into that room over there.
The stripper giggles as Donald Trump takes her by the hand and goes off screen. Gravedigger turns back to the camera.
Gravedigger: Now, I explained how I’m still great despite what you think and to address the part about you talking about how I was great once, let’s take a look at that a little closer here, Jared. You talk about how I was great once, referring to before retirement and see that’s going to be another difference between me and you pre-retirement. Jared, looking back at your career thus far, not even slightly fucking impressive. What the fuck have you done in your career thus far? TV champion, Trio Cup winner, tied record for most eliminations in a War match, faction leader of #Beachkrew and owner of WCF. Now to the average person comparing you to the average WCF wrestler, those are some pretty big accolades. I mean to most WCF wrestlers throughout the history of the company, those are some impressive stats there buddy, but see that’s the thing. My career, and I’m just focusing on WCF alone as talking about the other companies I was in would make this comparison even more unfair, was not like most WCF wrestlers. In fact, with the exception of you winning the Trios Cup, I’ve done all of those things you’ve done, but I did them better and I did even more than that.
TV champion? Been there, done that. You defeated and lost the belt to Teo Del Sol. Pretty impressive. My TV championship reign began and ended with John Gable and ZMac respectively which is far more impressive. Not to mention at the tail end of my career, just a couple of months shy of my retirement.
Tied record for most eliminations in a War match? Yeah you have more eliminations than me, but when I also tied the record, I wasn’t stopped eventually. I went on and won the damn thing AND become world champion. Both are things you never did and more than likely never will do.
Leader of a faction? Been there, done that. The major difference is I spent nearly my entire time as leader of the faction with world title and tag title gold around my waist or as owner of the damn company. My group held all the titles but one with me as the top dog. We held the place down with an iron fist. WCF threw all the top stars at me and tried to take the company back. I turned away everyone except Torture who was too afraid to face me on his own.
Now, I don’t want to turn this around and go over the other many accomplishments that I had while in WCF, so let’s keep the focus on you right now. Who have you really even beaten during your time as a wrestler? None of the names you have beaten are big names with the exception of Sarah Twilight. Even then, anyone who watched Sarah Twilight in the last year or so has seen a Sarah Twilight that is not the same as she once was. You were facing a broken and beaten down Sarah Twilight. You were not beating the vicious bitch that held the world title or had an iron grip on the company. That Sarah Twilight was beaten into submission long ago so when we REALLY take a step back, you didn’t really have a single impressive win during your entire tenure in WCF. Even your losses were pretty much against mediocre at best opponents. My win/loss record is full of current Hall of Famers and future, potential Hall of Famers. The people you beat or that beat you for the most part will not be remembered years from now when fans talk about the glory days of wrestling. I, Gravedigger, will always be talked about and remembered as a wrestling legend.
You talk about this return to the ring you’re making at MY expense, but I’ve got to say thank you for that comment. Thank you for that reminder, because as much as I have been referred to as a genius when it comes to wrestling and wrestling history, I had almost forgotten about you. The only thing that keeps you in my mind is seeing people like Wade Moor, Dustin Beaver, Kyle Kemp, and Johnny Rabid. These are members of #Beachkrew that were real titleholders. They weren’t one-week wonders. You may have been considered the leader of the faction, but these men were the ones that did all the work. THEY are the ones that made #Beachkrew as dangerous as they were.
What the fuck did you even do in #Beachkrew? Spent half its lifespan injured and spent the remainder of the time saying dank and doodling 6ix instead of Six everywhere like some kind of high school cheerleader bimbo. Seriously, what the fuck is up with you spelling six with the number instead of the letter S?
So your return to wrestling, basically your UCI debut is against Gravedigger. I know I’m not in my prime and I’m not at the top of my game, but based on your past track record, how do we even know you’re in your prime? Do you even have a prime?
I said earlier that you fell into the same trap that all the others do and here’s another way to explain that comment by me. You talk about how I’m old and washed up and all this other shit like the others do, but what’s that going to say about you when we’re in the ring? See, you’ll either win or lose. Me? I win either way. You already gave me a victory either way because hey if I lose, it’s just because I’m old and retired and possibly out of shape? If you beat me, no one will bat an eye. I mean sure, it gives you a notch in your belt to beat a wrestling legend such as myself. It gives you the rub you oh so desperately need. You got a win over wrestling legend Gravedigger, only there will be an asterisk beside it followed by “but he was retired and hadn’t wrestled a serious match in nearly TWO YEARS”. I mean like you said. I entered the ring at War, fucked off and got eliminated by Sanchez and sat back down behind the commentary table.
So big deal if you fucking beat me. It doesn’t damage my record either. If I lose, it doesn’t hurt my legacy, even with how much I’ve trashed you and yours. However, if I win. If you lose, your career suffers irreparable damage. If I beat you in that ring, you’d be better off retiring and hanging up the boots now because I can tell you that you’re not going to come back from that especially with me behind that commentary table. I’m a big shit talker. I love to hear myself talk. I love to brag about my accomplishments. What I wouldn’t love more is to remind the fans each week and you if you watch the replays of our show how I beat you.
A young buck with many, many years left until retirement getting beaten down by an old man past his prime and retired for years. See, if there’s any brain matter in that thick skull of yours, I’m under your skin right now. You’re starting to think that maybe Gravedigger’s right. You’re going to start worrying about this match. You’re going to get a little distracted. You should worry. I’m not just showing up to this match just as an appearance. I don’t want to just walk into this match and get beaten down. I’m not just adding an extra zero or two to my paycheck for the month. No, since you had to run your mouth, I’m coming down to the ring to shut it.
You make an old man get off my lawn type joke and think you’re fucking cute. You’re not only on my lawn, you walked inside MY building. You walked down MY ramp and got inside MY ring. This isn’t your ring you’re walking into. Like I’ve been saying for the past few minutes, you haven’t done shit to earn this ring and I don’t believe you ever will you scum-sucking leech. You aren’t this ring, you aren’t wrestling, you just simply exist and when that bell rings and our match begins, I’ll be snuffing out your existence in it. This will be both your return to wrestling and your retirement from it.
Off-camera a door bursts open and a woman’s muffled giggling can be heard from far away. Gravedigger looks off-camera with a disgusted look.
Gravedigger: Donnie, put on some pants!
Donald Trump: Fuck me…
A minute later and after some shuffling is heard followed by some more giggling off-camera, Donald Trump stumbles back onto the screen and puts his arm back around Gravedigger, pointing at the screen.
Donald Trump: You still talking shit to that Syxx guy? That nWo guy?
Gravedigger laughs.
Gravedigger: Yeah, the Six God guy, Jared Holmes. NOT the XPac guy from wrestling. Although, they both had a somewhat similar amount of success in wrestling I guess you could say.
Donald Trump: You know what? FUCK HIM! He’s a fucking race traitor is what I fucking say.
Gravedigger: What?!
Donald Trump: Yeah! He’s a fucking race traitor. This motherfucker, this Holmes guy he had a black guy in his Beachkrew group.
Gravedigger: #BeachKrew
Donald Trump: That’s what I said. Beachkrew.
Gravedigger: No, it’s #Beachkrew
Donald Trump: What am I saying wrong?
Gravedigger: You said Beachkrew, but it’s #Beachkrew.
Donald Trump: Do I have to say the hashtag?
Gravedigger: Yes.
Donald Trump: Why the fuck do I have to say that shit? Is that what they named the group? See, this is the shit I’m talking about Gravedigger. White people don’t use hashtags, that’s a minority thing. Again, Holmes is a race traitor.
Gravedigger laughs and shakes his head.
Gravedigger: I don’t know what to tell you, Donnie. Let’s go out and get fucking wasted. Maybe we’ll hit up ol’ fun bags herself, the REAL Hillary and see what’s up?
Donald Trump holds up a hand for another high five.
Donald Trump: THAT’S what I’m talking about.
Gravedigger and Donald Trump walk off camera but can still be heard in the background.
Donald Trump: Do you think she’s tight? Like obviously Bill doesn’t get any and maybe she used some of those weights after Chelsea to tighten her shit bac….
The scene fades to black in mid-sentence.