Post by Alex Richards on Aug 28, 2016 9:30:31 GMT -6
Time Wise this takes place after Polar Phantasm's most excellent part 4 of the Guardians series. Hope you enjoy.
Alex drives the streets of Chicago like a maniac in his Strange Rover. For a change he doesn't have the auto pilot on. Probably because it does the speed limit.. or at least close to it. He also doesn't have a drink in hand which is an even bigger surprise. Alex looks stressed, Alex looks worried. Alex knows what to do however. He puts out his massive straight out of the 80s Paul E Dangerously memorial cell phone and calls the Guardians for help. Polar Phantasm picks the phone up.
Polar Phantasm: Ice Ice baby.. you got the Polar bear.
Alex looks confused then mutters to himself.
Alex Richards: He must have been using his ice powers again. And what a time for that.
Alex shrugs, goofy Polar Phantasm is still a better man then nearly all.
Alex Richards: Polar.. someone kidnapped Becky. I need your help.
Polar Phantasm: No.
Alex Richards: What?
Polar Phantasm: You always fucking need our help! Why do you think we got Andre Holmes? We're sick of your shit.
And from the background Bonnie Blue yells out.
Bonnie Blue: And you're ugly as sin too. You frighten children and give the Guardians a bad name.
Polar Phantasm: Yeah... lose this number. We don't want you Alex.
You would think this would upset Alex Richards but instead the big man looks relieved. Then a devilish grin crosses his face.
Alex Richards: I knew that letter was too dramatic! They're trying to pull a prank on the Archduke aren't they? I'll play along.. make them think they got me with their phony kidnapping prank. But then I'll show them who the best prankster in the Guardians is! Nobody pulls a prank like me! Rubber snakes, silly string, silly putty, butter, crazy glue.. no no... this is the Guardians we are talking about. I need a real prank! Something that will really make them suffer... in an absolutely hilarious way. I'm gonna need to make a few stops. Hope they don't mind waiting.
Alex drives around gleefully getting supplies before finally pulling the Strange Rover up to the specified location. Which appears to be an old, abandoned church. Anti religion, anti rival gang graffiti litter the front and side of the church with slogans such as Yakuza Sux Cock, and God is Dead.. I killed him myself, Jesus is a cunt, The West Siders blow yo momma and yo sista. Normally a church has strained glass windows. This church has broken glass and boarded windows. The door however was once boarded but the boards are now broken. Alex walks inside carrying a duffel bag with him instead of his usual doctor's bag, which he stashes behind the first, dusty pew. He looks around noticing hundreds of black candles all over the church. He walks to the front of the church noticing an old of place looking metal table with a gagged Rebecca Thatch strapped to it struggling mightily but failing to move the bonds. Alex looks on, grin on his face.
Alex Richards: I've never seen this side of you before Becky. I mean I knew you were freaky.. but in a church? Maybe later we can do it in a giant bowl of pasta.. honor my god you know.
Rebecca struggles having heard Alex's voice. She obviously wants to tell him something important. Unfortunately Alex misinterprets it.
Alex Richards: So anxious. Well it has been a couple of hours I guess. You want the whole 50 shades of Alex? Hmm.. what would fifty shades of Alex involve anyways? I'll need some candles, and they are already here. Licorice whips, whip cream, a whole goat just to keep our strength up, a cd filled with weird al songs in order to set the mood, his and her feetie pajamas, a teddy bear.
Alex shakes his head.
Alex Richards: What kind of freak would want a teddy bear? I think I just killed the mood for myself. Sorry Becky..
Just then Alex notices 9 men surrounding the table each carrying a knife, each wearing a black robe.
Alex Richards: Is there a reason you guys died your bath robes black.
One of the robed men: It's more scary that way!
Robed Leader: Shut up! He gave me the only speaking role!
Alex Richards: Where did you find the extras Polar?
Robed Leader: We are the 9 disciples of The Church of Black Nights. Just like the 9 disciples of Jesus Christ.
Alex Richards: You should know this. But there were 12 disciples.
Robed Leader: We couldn't find anyone else to join our church... Renfield.
Alex Richards: Why do you keep calling me Renfield?
Robed Leader: Because you're the slave of the vampire.
Alex Richards: You guys have been brewing your own moonshine out of cough syrup and bacon haven't you? You gotta be careful with that stuff.. it'll fuck you up. I mean if you're gonna create your own church I'm all for that. It'll piss off Sanchez and I'm always a fan of that. You might want to change the name though. People might associate you guys with Howard Black. And who would want that?
The leader spits on the ground.
Robed Leader: Don't you dare take the word of our prophet, our inspiration, our exacted one.. Howard Black! Without him.. we wouldn't have had the courage to follow our convictions! To battle the demons that plague this world! When Howard Black vanquished that foul zombie last month and was baptized in gold we realized our calling! We too want to slay the monsters!
Alex Richards: Umm.. I don't know who you guys are but what do you want with Becky. She's certainly no zombie.
The robed leader bursts out laughing, several short insane sounding barks.
Robed Leader: You think we're stupid?
Alex Richards: You follow the teachings of Howard Black so what do you think?
Robed Leader: I knew you were on the right path my son. Now kill her and be free.
Alex Richards: What?
Robed Leader: Obviously she isn't a zombie.. but look at that pale skin, those black clothes. I've been watching.. she never goes out during the day..
Alex Richards: With how much we drink during the night damn right she doesn't go out during the day. You don't want to deal with that mid afternoon sun with a fierce hangover.
Robed Leader: How convient. But can you explain this.
The leader walks over to Rebecca.. and removes her dark sunglasses revealing the scarred, damaged tissue where her eyes should be. Alex quickly replaces the sunglasses looking at the hooded man in anger.
Alex Richards: The fuck is wrong with you?
Robed Leader: Don't you see? She blinded herself so she wouldn't melt in the sun!
Alex Richards: On what planet would that make sense? I'm sort of serious. I want you to tell me so I never visit it.
Robed Leader: You only don't see the truth because you are under her control. That's why you must do it. You must make the sacrifice.
Alex looks around and notices all the disciples are now holding knives out towards Alex. Except for one.. who is shuffling and looking rather uncomfortable but trying to hide it.
Alex Richards: Yeah.. you guys are nuts. And not fun nuts either. You think I'm going to sacrifice my girlfriend? You know how few girls actually like me, right? Shit if she was really a vampire I wouldn't do it. I might stop making bite me jokes though.
Robed Leader: I thought you might say that... that's why we brought the counter mind control devices... brothers...
All at once everyone puts the knife away and pulls out pots... pots filled with mashed potatoes!
Robed Leader: The power of garlic mashed potatoes compels you!
Alex grabs a pot of mashed potatoes away from one of the followers and begins to dig in scooping the potatoes with his bare hands quickly devouring them.
Alex Richards: You know for a psychotic cult you guys can cook.
Robed Leader: I think we need a purer source of garlic. Gentlemen... to the grocery store!
The group begins walking out.. until one of them drills Alex in the skull with the heavy metal pot he was carrying.Then again.. then again. Until finally Alex slumps over. The man mutters... morons. He grabs a pair of handcuffs from inside of his robe and quickly cuffs Alex, then grabs one of the robed men who was trying to slip out unnoticed.
Pot Swinging Robed Man: You.. watch him. Make sure he doesn't escape.
Alex blinks his eyes, he blinks his eyes again. And notices the robed man assigned to guard him pacing back and forth talking to himself.
Man: Normally I make fun of cults like this. But now I'm in one. Jesus, I joke about killing people. I don't actually want to kill people. But if I leave.. they are going to come after me.
Alex Richards: I know that voice.. Sven.. Svengooglie?
Svengoolie: I just thought it was a prank. And after you stole my wig and hat I figured I owed you one. Let's get out of here!
Alex Richards: What would be the fun in that? Get my bag Sven.. I believe there's a hacksaw in there.
Svengooglie: Hack saw? You brought a bad writer with you? And I thought the cult had enough problems!
Svengooglie works quickly to free Alex who races over to free his girlfriend. Alex briefly conferences with Rebecca before they are interrupted by a hooded man now holding a gun.
Man: I knew I couldn't trust you Sven! You're not really from Hollywood anyways! Nobody move.. I'll get that headline even if I have to do it myself!
Alex Richards: It's you isn't it Paul?
The hooded man throws back the veil revealing Paul Rudd.
Paul Rudd: Of fucking course it's me! You never should have messed with Hollywood Alex! I have a great publicist we're gonna spin this like I'm the hero! Like I saved myself from this pathetic cult and unfortunately Alex Richards and some innocent bystanders like Svengooglie and Rebecca over there didn't quite make it. I smell a movie of the week.
Alex Richards: You certainly smell something.
Paul Rudd: You're making jokes at the guy waving the guy at you?
Alex Richards: How do you know that was a joke?
Paul Rudd: Because it was a smart ass comment.. smart ass!
Alex Richards: That wasn't a joke.. Sven tell them a joke.
Svengooglie: Ghost walks into a bar... goes right through it!
Paul Rudd: You are such a terrible actor!
Svengooglie: You should talk.. you move like a skeleton in a closet!
Alex Richards: I don't know.. Paul must be a good actor. I mean he's totally tuned them out.
Paul Rudd: Tuned what out?
Alex Richards: All these black and white kitties that were in that bag.
Paul Rudd: It's so obvious you're stalling! You really think you are going to get out of this by stalling. You know how well I planned this? I even went so far as to get some voice actors to impersonate your friends on the phone.
Alex Richards: How did you do that actually. You think I don't have their numbers preset?
Svengooglie: I messed with your presets during the roast. I know.. I know.. I'm an monster.
At this point the Church of Black Nights return carrying their cloves of garlic. Alex takes this opportunity to reach into his pocket and pull out a baggie of something red. He tosses it at Paul. The baggie spatters on impact covering Rudd. The man surround Alex holding their garlic.
Alex Richards: Don't look at me.. he's the vampire. He's the one covered in blood.
Robed Leader: How are we supposed to know who the real vampire is?
Paul Rudd: It's not me!
Robed Leader: But if he let him go he could come back.. and bite us! And turn us into vampires too!
Second Robed Man: Let's just kill them all.
Robed Leader: Who's the leader around here. First we kill Hollywood vampire.. then we get Renfield to kill girl vampire.
Paul Rudd: You idiots have got to be kidding me!
The cult sets upon Paul Rudd who fire his pistol wildly but obviously never took the time to really learn who to use it. Alex watches as they begin the beat down.
Alex Richards: I can't believe I'm going to save him. Well I promised you the honors Becky.
Alex first goes to his duffel bag then approaches his lady black candle in hand. He places the candle in her hand then holds the package he got from the duffel bag.. lobbing it towards the pews The fireworks go off startling everyone in the old church as Alex, carrying Rebecca, and Svengooglie make their escape. Everyone else is distracted by the sudden foul aroma as those black and white kitties Alex was talking about turned out to be skunks and apparently they don't like fireworks very much. Alex meanwhile sets up a rope about ankle high in front of the door then exits the building. He turns to his girlfriend Rebecca Thatch.
Alex Richards: Are you alright hun?
Rebecca shudders.
Rebecca Thatch: You don't know what Paul did before you came..
Alex Richards: If he so much as touched you... I'll...
Rebecca Thatch: He recited his lines..... from Over My Dead Body.
Alex shakes his head sadly.
Alex Richards: That's cruel.. no one should be forced to listen to anything from an Eva Longoria film. I'm going to make sure this never happens to anyone else... ever again! How am I going to do this.. I'm going to destroy the legacy of Howard Black!
The members of the cult church stagger out the front door. Coughing and hacking and trying to get the skunk smell off of them before tripping over the rope and tumbling down the stairs all standing at the bottom in a heap.
Alex Richards: You see these guys Howie? These are your fucking fans! This is your fucking fame! Your legacy! These are the kind of people who are inspired by what you do! You are a fucking hero to the mentally unbalanced and the inept!
Alex advances on the cult who cringe.
Alex Richards: Howard Black.. the slayer of Crow McMorris... one time. You beat the Crow... once. That's your career isn't it? You won your first world title and suddenly you're a big deal, right? Suddenly you are worthy of worship. But only from people like this!
The cult decides to beat it while the beating is good and take off into the night.
Alex Richards: Howard Black.. he probably lives for this shit. He would probably love the fact he has a cult in his honor. Shit for all I know he set the whole thing up himself. Because he needs to extend his fifteen minutes of fame somehow.
Alex snorts in disgust.
Alex Richards: You know what sums up Howard Black's whole career? The fact he thought he would actually destroy a zombie just by breaking his arm.
Svengooglie: Anyone who's watched any monster movie knows better then that!
Alex Richards: You tried to destroy Crow McMorris because he's a zombie. You didn't think about whether he deserved to be destroyed. What did Crow do exactly to earn that punishment? I mean if he was like those zombies you see in monster movies, eating people, wasting hours of everyone's time walking really really slowly. Yeah I could see that. I could see him deserving to die if that was his bag. But Howard Black, you're not really a thinking kind of guy are you?
Alex laughs.
Alex Richards: When Alex Richards thinks you're an idiot you really have problems don't you? Because Howard, you use big words, but you don't actually use logic do you? You thought Crow was a monster... so you tried to destroy him. Your whole motivation can be summed up to that. You know who the real monster is.. don't you? The real monster is the man who leads the witch hunt without ever knowing why.
Alex Richards: I'll bet you're wondering why I take this personally aren't you? First off.. Crow is a friend of mine. Unlike you Black I don't discard my friends just because we followed different paths. I'm loyal to the Crow because he showed that same loyalty to me. Now I know.. Crow doesn't need me to get justice for him. You done fucked up and left him in a position to get the revenge himself. But you know what.. I'm going to get a measure of revenge anyways. I'm going to take that world champions away from you. Because Howard Black.. I don't like you and I don't like what you stand for.
Alex motions towards the church members who are still visible off in the distance.
Alex Richards: They really are your fans aren't they? They are just as narrow minded as you. Just as stupid as you. People like you... you judge others without knowing anything about them. All my life I have been running into people like you. They look at me.. they don't really look at me. They just look at my appearance and assume I'm the bad guy. They assume I'm the monster. They assume I'm good for nothing. That I will never accomplish anything worthwhile. People like you Howard Black.. you judge because then you don't have to think.
Alex lifts an eyebrow.
Alex Richards: Because of ironic isn't it? Makes you sound like the real zombie doesn't it? Those movie zombies they were killing machines without a thought in their head. Are you having a hungering for brains, Howard? Maybe you should just go ahead and destroy yourself.
Alex Richards: Now most of the people who looked at me... judged me. They were just scared. I had a drink with them or joked with them.. or randomly pantsed their friend and they realized I wasn't so bad. I wasn't a real threat. See, I don't like people being scared of me. Sure, I might look like a monster but I'm far from it. But you.. Howard Black, you look normal.. you look ordinary. But you.. you're different. You're the real monster. Becky, do you think you would be better off if you never met me.
Rebecca Thatch: Come a little closer so I can hit you. I know you're not stupid but you certainly sound like it there.
Alex Richards: I was just proving a point Becky.
Rebecca Thatch: Me too. And my point is if you keep scaring me with stupid questions like that I'm going to hit you in the nuts with my cane.
Alex holds his hands in surrender. Then realizes that isn't going to work.
Alex Richards: Okay.. okay. I'm sorry. I asked Becky and if you asked Zach or any of the other Guardians they would say the same. They would not regret having met Alex Richards for one second. How about you, Howard Black? Can you say the same? I know you can't. There's a reason that although we've competed in the same companies for almost two years we never met up socially. You know what that reason is Howard? Because you're poison. You don't hurt people in the ring. You hurt the ones who love you, the ones who care about you. You make them suffer because of you! You may not understand me but I understand you. You're a disgusting piece of work who makes life worse for everyone who lets you into it. Basically you're the anti Alex Richards aren't you? When I show up everyone always has more fun, everyone always has more excitement, no one forgets a day with Alex Richards. Years later they are probably still laughing over what we did together. You.. Howard.. people probably wish they never met you. I don't even know her but how good has your wife Sarah's life been since she married you?
Alex Richards: You don't need to answer that. We already know the answer. You don't want to admit that do you Howard? You don't want to admit everyone who lets you into their lives is going to suffer because of it. You don't look ugly like I do, but you're far more disgusting and vile on the inside then even I look. That's why you hide between this aura of goodness.. because you don't want people to see the real you. You fought the evil zombie, now you're fighting an evil monster. You really want to fight evil, fight the evil within yourself. But you don't want to do that do you? Because deep down you like how you are.
Alex raises his voice.
Alex Richards: BUT I DON'T! And I'm in a position to do something about it! I'm going to take your crutch away from you Howard. Right now you can think to yourself you must be doing something right, the ends must justify the means because I'm the world champion. You think being world champion keeps the Jackal at bay. How stupid does that sound? That evil within you... The Jackal... it's your own fucking ego man. You didn't try to destroy McMorris because you thought he was evil. You did it because you wanted the world title and didn't want to admit how selfish you are!
Alex Richards: I have a lot of jokes. But not for you Howard Black. Because I've seen first hand what the dark side can do. Evil does win... if you let it. Ask me what happened when I was a kid, ask Rebecca what happened to her eyes! Evil exists.. but it doesn't look like a monster.. it looks normal.. it looks like everyone else.. doesn't it Howard? When you start letting the evil win.. it just keeps winning. It starts small at first but it just gets worse doesn't it Howard? After a time you start to like what you're doing. Start bragging about it. Well Howard.. the Jackal.. the evil inside of you wants the world title. I'm just going to have to take it from you then aren't I? I'm just gonna have to force you to confront that evil within yourself. You don't want to though, do you Howard?
Alex roars again.
Alex Richards: THAT'S WHY YOU'RE WEAK! That's why you're not a real champion Howard. Why you're not a real man. I said you inspired that stupid church earlier today. That's because like you they are hiding from reality. I could make this about us as wrestlers. But I'm not going to beat you because I'm the better wrestler. Even though I am. I'm going to beat you because you personally make me want to vomit with rage.
Rebecca Thatch: That line is both disgusting and laughable.
Alex Richards: Aww.. you always know what to say. That sums up Howard Black nicely. He's not a real champion, he's not a real man, he doesn't really add anything to life. My best friend Jay Omega once forfeited a championship just because he didn't want to have anything to do with holding the tag team championships with Howard Black. I don't blame him either. The Omega Man didn't want to help further your cause anymore than I do! But that's your legacy. You may have won the UCI world championship but I'll always remember you as the guy too pathetic for The Omega Man to hold a title with. After this week Howard when your one and only world title run ever is over no one is going to remember you.
Alex listens for a beat as if waiting for someone to disagree.
Alex Richards: I heard you talking about me for a second. But to be honest I tuned most of it out when you called yourself a main eventer and bitched about facing some mid carder like one of those smart marks on a website might do. You're the world champion and you think that makes you a main eventer now? Let's be real. From the minute Alex Richards entered wrestling people remembered me. People liked me. People were entertained by me. That's why the Pack came calling, that's why Pantheon came calling, that's why The Guardians came a knocking. Because Alex Richards embraces the adventure, he embraces life. Howard Black.. before you won the world title you would have been remembered as a member of the Sentinels. And that's only even because Dune and Joey Flash were Sentinels. You were the Sentinel who's name everyone would forget. They remember those two because they were great, and Occulo because he was the weak link. What did you do again exactly? You're undefeated in the UCI and I don't win every match. But I'm memorable. I have life experiences! You're just a wrestler. And to me this is no mere wrestling match. This is a war. And Alex Richards he don't lose those battles of good against evil. You're going to be remembered as a footnote. People are going to ask, who was the champion in between the great Crow McMorris and the great Alex Richards? Then someone is gonna say Howard Black and his buddy will reply with, oh yeah... what did he do exactly? Howard, you're a boring wrestler and a subpar excuse for a man. But after this week no one will ever call you champion again. And you know what? That's good enough for now.
Alex turns to Svengooglie and his lady friend Rebecca.
Alex Richards: Now I believe there's an after party with the Guardians to get to.
Rebecca Thatch: You do realize we reek of skunk, right?
Svengooglie: Why did your plan involve us getting sprayed too, exactly?
Alex Richards: Because I'm a master prankster of course! If I don't get a taste of it too it's just not that funny. It's a kamikaze prank! If you can't laugh at yourself who can you laugh at?
Svengooglie: You're a strange dude Alex.
Rebecca Thatch: That's what I love about him.
Alex Richards: Bout time that got appreciated. Now to the club!
Rebecca Thatch: No.. to the showers. C'mon Alex.. we can share a tomato juice bath!
Alex Richards: That turns me on way more than it should.
Svengooglie: Can a ghoul slime his way into that?
Alex Richards: Not a chance Sven.
Svengooglie: Worth a shot... catch you guys later.
Svengooglie begins to walk away when Alex stops him.
Alex Richards: Dude... use the guest bathroom.
Sven grins, and the trio walk off into the direction of the Strange Rover.
Svengooglie: That blood you threw at Paul Rudd.. That was just corn syrup and red food coloring wasn't it?
Alex Richards: I've been getting a lot of use out of that food coloring lately.
Svengooglie: Knew it! You can't get much past this spook! I've been in the fright game for too long!
Rebecca Thatch: Speaking of food coloring when are you going to make me those green eggs and ham you were talking about.
Alex laughs as the trio fade out of sight and into the Strange Rover. Meanwhile back at the church... a dirty, cut up, beat up, disheveled Paul Rudd finally staggers out the front door avoiding the trip rope.
Paul Rudd: You got to be fucking kidding me! First I get embarrassed at that fucking roast. Now look what fucking happened! I fucking finally had Alex until those idiots messed things up! Then.. fucking fireworks... indoors.. and fucking skunks! Two fucking skunks humped on my fucking face! I'll get you Alex Richards! I will have my revenge! I'll finally pour fire ants down your fucking throat and make you call me the ant man bitch! I smell like skunk love... FUCK!
Fade To Black
Alex drives the streets of Chicago like a maniac in his Strange Rover. For a change he doesn't have the auto pilot on. Probably because it does the speed limit.. or at least close to it. He also doesn't have a drink in hand which is an even bigger surprise. Alex looks stressed, Alex looks worried. Alex knows what to do however. He puts out his massive straight out of the 80s Paul E Dangerously memorial cell phone and calls the Guardians for help. Polar Phantasm picks the phone up.
Polar Phantasm: Ice Ice baby.. you got the Polar bear.
Alex looks confused then mutters to himself.
Alex Richards: He must have been using his ice powers again. And what a time for that.
Alex shrugs, goofy Polar Phantasm is still a better man then nearly all.
Alex Richards: Polar.. someone kidnapped Becky. I need your help.
Polar Phantasm: No.
Alex Richards: What?
Polar Phantasm: You always fucking need our help! Why do you think we got Andre Holmes? We're sick of your shit.
And from the background Bonnie Blue yells out.
Bonnie Blue: And you're ugly as sin too. You frighten children and give the Guardians a bad name.
Polar Phantasm: Yeah... lose this number. We don't want you Alex.
You would think this would upset Alex Richards but instead the big man looks relieved. Then a devilish grin crosses his face.
Alex Richards: I knew that letter was too dramatic! They're trying to pull a prank on the Archduke aren't they? I'll play along.. make them think they got me with their phony kidnapping prank. But then I'll show them who the best prankster in the Guardians is! Nobody pulls a prank like me! Rubber snakes, silly string, silly putty, butter, crazy glue.. no no... this is the Guardians we are talking about. I need a real prank! Something that will really make them suffer... in an absolutely hilarious way. I'm gonna need to make a few stops. Hope they don't mind waiting.
Alex drives around gleefully getting supplies before finally pulling the Strange Rover up to the specified location. Which appears to be an old, abandoned church. Anti religion, anti rival gang graffiti litter the front and side of the church with slogans such as Yakuza Sux Cock, and God is Dead.. I killed him myself, Jesus is a cunt, The West Siders blow yo momma and yo sista. Normally a church has strained glass windows. This church has broken glass and boarded windows. The door however was once boarded but the boards are now broken. Alex walks inside carrying a duffel bag with him instead of his usual doctor's bag, which he stashes behind the first, dusty pew. He looks around noticing hundreds of black candles all over the church. He walks to the front of the church noticing an old of place looking metal table with a gagged Rebecca Thatch strapped to it struggling mightily but failing to move the bonds. Alex looks on, grin on his face.
Alex Richards: I've never seen this side of you before Becky. I mean I knew you were freaky.. but in a church? Maybe later we can do it in a giant bowl of pasta.. honor my god you know.
Rebecca struggles having heard Alex's voice. She obviously wants to tell him something important. Unfortunately Alex misinterprets it.
Alex Richards: So anxious. Well it has been a couple of hours I guess. You want the whole 50 shades of Alex? Hmm.. what would fifty shades of Alex involve anyways? I'll need some candles, and they are already here. Licorice whips, whip cream, a whole goat just to keep our strength up, a cd filled with weird al songs in order to set the mood, his and her feetie pajamas, a teddy bear.
Alex shakes his head.
Alex Richards: What kind of freak would want a teddy bear? I think I just killed the mood for myself. Sorry Becky..
Just then Alex notices 9 men surrounding the table each carrying a knife, each wearing a black robe.
Alex Richards: Is there a reason you guys died your bath robes black.
One of the robed men: It's more scary that way!
Robed Leader: Shut up! He gave me the only speaking role!
Alex Richards: Where did you find the extras Polar?
Robed Leader: We are the 9 disciples of The Church of Black Nights. Just like the 9 disciples of Jesus Christ.
Alex Richards: You should know this. But there were 12 disciples.
Robed Leader: We couldn't find anyone else to join our church... Renfield.
Alex Richards: Why do you keep calling me Renfield?
Robed Leader: Because you're the slave of the vampire.
Alex Richards: You guys have been brewing your own moonshine out of cough syrup and bacon haven't you? You gotta be careful with that stuff.. it'll fuck you up. I mean if you're gonna create your own church I'm all for that. It'll piss off Sanchez and I'm always a fan of that. You might want to change the name though. People might associate you guys with Howard Black. And who would want that?
The leader spits on the ground.
Robed Leader: Don't you dare take the word of our prophet, our inspiration, our exacted one.. Howard Black! Without him.. we wouldn't have had the courage to follow our convictions! To battle the demons that plague this world! When Howard Black vanquished that foul zombie last month and was baptized in gold we realized our calling! We too want to slay the monsters!
Alex Richards: Umm.. I don't know who you guys are but what do you want with Becky. She's certainly no zombie.
The robed leader bursts out laughing, several short insane sounding barks.
Robed Leader: You think we're stupid?
Alex Richards: You follow the teachings of Howard Black so what do you think?
Robed Leader: I knew you were on the right path my son. Now kill her and be free.
Alex Richards: What?
Robed Leader: Obviously she isn't a zombie.. but look at that pale skin, those black clothes. I've been watching.. she never goes out during the day..
Alex Richards: With how much we drink during the night damn right she doesn't go out during the day. You don't want to deal with that mid afternoon sun with a fierce hangover.
Robed Leader: How convient. But can you explain this.
The leader walks over to Rebecca.. and removes her dark sunglasses revealing the scarred, damaged tissue where her eyes should be. Alex quickly replaces the sunglasses looking at the hooded man in anger.
Alex Richards: The fuck is wrong with you?
Robed Leader: Don't you see? She blinded herself so she wouldn't melt in the sun!
Alex Richards: On what planet would that make sense? I'm sort of serious. I want you to tell me so I never visit it.
Robed Leader: You only don't see the truth because you are under her control. That's why you must do it. You must make the sacrifice.
Alex looks around and notices all the disciples are now holding knives out towards Alex. Except for one.. who is shuffling and looking rather uncomfortable but trying to hide it.
Alex Richards: Yeah.. you guys are nuts. And not fun nuts either. You think I'm going to sacrifice my girlfriend? You know how few girls actually like me, right? Shit if she was really a vampire I wouldn't do it. I might stop making bite me jokes though.
Robed Leader: I thought you might say that... that's why we brought the counter mind control devices... brothers...
All at once everyone puts the knife away and pulls out pots... pots filled with mashed potatoes!
Robed Leader: The power of garlic mashed potatoes compels you!
Alex grabs a pot of mashed potatoes away from one of the followers and begins to dig in scooping the potatoes with his bare hands quickly devouring them.
Alex Richards: You know for a psychotic cult you guys can cook.
Robed Leader: I think we need a purer source of garlic. Gentlemen... to the grocery store!
The group begins walking out.. until one of them drills Alex in the skull with the heavy metal pot he was carrying.Then again.. then again. Until finally Alex slumps over. The man mutters... morons. He grabs a pair of handcuffs from inside of his robe and quickly cuffs Alex, then grabs one of the robed men who was trying to slip out unnoticed.
Pot Swinging Robed Man: You.. watch him. Make sure he doesn't escape.
Alex blinks his eyes, he blinks his eyes again. And notices the robed man assigned to guard him pacing back and forth talking to himself.
Man: Normally I make fun of cults like this. But now I'm in one. Jesus, I joke about killing people. I don't actually want to kill people. But if I leave.. they are going to come after me.
Alex Richards: I know that voice.. Sven.. Svengooglie?
Svengoolie: I just thought it was a prank. And after you stole my wig and hat I figured I owed you one. Let's get out of here!
Alex Richards: What would be the fun in that? Get my bag Sven.. I believe there's a hacksaw in there.
Svengooglie: Hack saw? You brought a bad writer with you? And I thought the cult had enough problems!
Svengooglie works quickly to free Alex who races over to free his girlfriend. Alex briefly conferences with Rebecca before they are interrupted by a hooded man now holding a gun.
Man: I knew I couldn't trust you Sven! You're not really from Hollywood anyways! Nobody move.. I'll get that headline even if I have to do it myself!
Alex Richards: It's you isn't it Paul?
The hooded man throws back the veil revealing Paul Rudd.
Paul Rudd: Of fucking course it's me! You never should have messed with Hollywood Alex! I have a great publicist we're gonna spin this like I'm the hero! Like I saved myself from this pathetic cult and unfortunately Alex Richards and some innocent bystanders like Svengooglie and Rebecca over there didn't quite make it. I smell a movie of the week.
Alex Richards: You certainly smell something.
Paul Rudd: You're making jokes at the guy waving the guy at you?
Alex Richards: How do you know that was a joke?
Paul Rudd: Because it was a smart ass comment.. smart ass!
Alex Richards: That wasn't a joke.. Sven tell them a joke.
Svengooglie: Ghost walks into a bar... goes right through it!
Paul Rudd: You are such a terrible actor!
Svengooglie: You should talk.. you move like a skeleton in a closet!
Alex Richards: I don't know.. Paul must be a good actor. I mean he's totally tuned them out.
Paul Rudd: Tuned what out?
Alex Richards: All these black and white kitties that were in that bag.
Paul Rudd: It's so obvious you're stalling! You really think you are going to get out of this by stalling. You know how well I planned this? I even went so far as to get some voice actors to impersonate your friends on the phone.
Alex Richards: How did you do that actually. You think I don't have their numbers preset?
Svengooglie: I messed with your presets during the roast. I know.. I know.. I'm an monster.
At this point the Church of Black Nights return carrying their cloves of garlic. Alex takes this opportunity to reach into his pocket and pull out a baggie of something red. He tosses it at Paul. The baggie spatters on impact covering Rudd. The man surround Alex holding their garlic.
Alex Richards: Don't look at me.. he's the vampire. He's the one covered in blood.
Robed Leader: How are we supposed to know who the real vampire is?
Paul Rudd: It's not me!
Robed Leader: But if he let him go he could come back.. and bite us! And turn us into vampires too!
Second Robed Man: Let's just kill them all.
Robed Leader: Who's the leader around here. First we kill Hollywood vampire.. then we get Renfield to kill girl vampire.
Paul Rudd: You idiots have got to be kidding me!
The cult sets upon Paul Rudd who fire his pistol wildly but obviously never took the time to really learn who to use it. Alex watches as they begin the beat down.
Alex Richards: I can't believe I'm going to save him. Well I promised you the honors Becky.
Alex first goes to his duffel bag then approaches his lady black candle in hand. He places the candle in her hand then holds the package he got from the duffel bag.. lobbing it towards the pews The fireworks go off startling everyone in the old church as Alex, carrying Rebecca, and Svengooglie make their escape. Everyone else is distracted by the sudden foul aroma as those black and white kitties Alex was talking about turned out to be skunks and apparently they don't like fireworks very much. Alex meanwhile sets up a rope about ankle high in front of the door then exits the building. He turns to his girlfriend Rebecca Thatch.
Alex Richards: Are you alright hun?
Rebecca shudders.
Rebecca Thatch: You don't know what Paul did before you came..
Alex Richards: If he so much as touched you... I'll...
Rebecca Thatch: He recited his lines..... from Over My Dead Body.
Alex shakes his head sadly.
Alex Richards: That's cruel.. no one should be forced to listen to anything from an Eva Longoria film. I'm going to make sure this never happens to anyone else... ever again! How am I going to do this.. I'm going to destroy the legacy of Howard Black!
The members of the cult church stagger out the front door. Coughing and hacking and trying to get the skunk smell off of them before tripping over the rope and tumbling down the stairs all standing at the bottom in a heap.
Alex Richards: You see these guys Howie? These are your fucking fans! This is your fucking fame! Your legacy! These are the kind of people who are inspired by what you do! You are a fucking hero to the mentally unbalanced and the inept!
Alex advances on the cult who cringe.
Alex Richards: Howard Black.. the slayer of Crow McMorris... one time. You beat the Crow... once. That's your career isn't it? You won your first world title and suddenly you're a big deal, right? Suddenly you are worthy of worship. But only from people like this!
The cult decides to beat it while the beating is good and take off into the night.
Alex Richards: Howard Black.. he probably lives for this shit. He would probably love the fact he has a cult in his honor. Shit for all I know he set the whole thing up himself. Because he needs to extend his fifteen minutes of fame somehow.
Alex snorts in disgust.
Alex Richards: You know what sums up Howard Black's whole career? The fact he thought he would actually destroy a zombie just by breaking his arm.
Svengooglie: Anyone who's watched any monster movie knows better then that!
Alex Richards: You tried to destroy Crow McMorris because he's a zombie. You didn't think about whether he deserved to be destroyed. What did Crow do exactly to earn that punishment? I mean if he was like those zombies you see in monster movies, eating people, wasting hours of everyone's time walking really really slowly. Yeah I could see that. I could see him deserving to die if that was his bag. But Howard Black, you're not really a thinking kind of guy are you?
Alex laughs.
Alex Richards: When Alex Richards thinks you're an idiot you really have problems don't you? Because Howard, you use big words, but you don't actually use logic do you? You thought Crow was a monster... so you tried to destroy him. Your whole motivation can be summed up to that. You know who the real monster is.. don't you? The real monster is the man who leads the witch hunt without ever knowing why.
Alex Richards: I'll bet you're wondering why I take this personally aren't you? First off.. Crow is a friend of mine. Unlike you Black I don't discard my friends just because we followed different paths. I'm loyal to the Crow because he showed that same loyalty to me. Now I know.. Crow doesn't need me to get justice for him. You done fucked up and left him in a position to get the revenge himself. But you know what.. I'm going to get a measure of revenge anyways. I'm going to take that world champions away from you. Because Howard Black.. I don't like you and I don't like what you stand for.
Alex motions towards the church members who are still visible off in the distance.
Alex Richards: They really are your fans aren't they? They are just as narrow minded as you. Just as stupid as you. People like you... you judge others without knowing anything about them. All my life I have been running into people like you. They look at me.. they don't really look at me. They just look at my appearance and assume I'm the bad guy. They assume I'm the monster. They assume I'm good for nothing. That I will never accomplish anything worthwhile. People like you Howard Black.. you judge because then you don't have to think.
Alex lifts an eyebrow.
Alex Richards: Because of ironic isn't it? Makes you sound like the real zombie doesn't it? Those movie zombies they were killing machines without a thought in their head. Are you having a hungering for brains, Howard? Maybe you should just go ahead and destroy yourself.
Alex Richards: Now most of the people who looked at me... judged me. They were just scared. I had a drink with them or joked with them.. or randomly pantsed their friend and they realized I wasn't so bad. I wasn't a real threat. See, I don't like people being scared of me. Sure, I might look like a monster but I'm far from it. But you.. Howard Black, you look normal.. you look ordinary. But you.. you're different. You're the real monster. Becky, do you think you would be better off if you never met me.
Rebecca Thatch: Come a little closer so I can hit you. I know you're not stupid but you certainly sound like it there.
Alex Richards: I was just proving a point Becky.
Rebecca Thatch: Me too. And my point is if you keep scaring me with stupid questions like that I'm going to hit you in the nuts with my cane.
Alex holds his hands in surrender. Then realizes that isn't going to work.
Alex Richards: Okay.. okay. I'm sorry. I asked Becky and if you asked Zach or any of the other Guardians they would say the same. They would not regret having met Alex Richards for one second. How about you, Howard Black? Can you say the same? I know you can't. There's a reason that although we've competed in the same companies for almost two years we never met up socially. You know what that reason is Howard? Because you're poison. You don't hurt people in the ring. You hurt the ones who love you, the ones who care about you. You make them suffer because of you! You may not understand me but I understand you. You're a disgusting piece of work who makes life worse for everyone who lets you into it. Basically you're the anti Alex Richards aren't you? When I show up everyone always has more fun, everyone always has more excitement, no one forgets a day with Alex Richards. Years later they are probably still laughing over what we did together. You.. Howard.. people probably wish they never met you. I don't even know her but how good has your wife Sarah's life been since she married you?
Alex Richards: You don't need to answer that. We already know the answer. You don't want to admit that do you Howard? You don't want to admit everyone who lets you into their lives is going to suffer because of it. You don't look ugly like I do, but you're far more disgusting and vile on the inside then even I look. That's why you hide between this aura of goodness.. because you don't want people to see the real you. You fought the evil zombie, now you're fighting an evil monster. You really want to fight evil, fight the evil within yourself. But you don't want to do that do you? Because deep down you like how you are.
Alex raises his voice.
Alex Richards: BUT I DON'T! And I'm in a position to do something about it! I'm going to take your crutch away from you Howard. Right now you can think to yourself you must be doing something right, the ends must justify the means because I'm the world champion. You think being world champion keeps the Jackal at bay. How stupid does that sound? That evil within you... The Jackal... it's your own fucking ego man. You didn't try to destroy McMorris because you thought he was evil. You did it because you wanted the world title and didn't want to admit how selfish you are!
Alex Richards: I have a lot of jokes. But not for you Howard Black. Because I've seen first hand what the dark side can do. Evil does win... if you let it. Ask me what happened when I was a kid, ask Rebecca what happened to her eyes! Evil exists.. but it doesn't look like a monster.. it looks normal.. it looks like everyone else.. doesn't it Howard? When you start letting the evil win.. it just keeps winning. It starts small at first but it just gets worse doesn't it Howard? After a time you start to like what you're doing. Start bragging about it. Well Howard.. the Jackal.. the evil inside of you wants the world title. I'm just going to have to take it from you then aren't I? I'm just gonna have to force you to confront that evil within yourself. You don't want to though, do you Howard?
Alex roars again.
Alex Richards: THAT'S WHY YOU'RE WEAK! That's why you're not a real champion Howard. Why you're not a real man. I said you inspired that stupid church earlier today. That's because like you they are hiding from reality. I could make this about us as wrestlers. But I'm not going to beat you because I'm the better wrestler. Even though I am. I'm going to beat you because you personally make me want to vomit with rage.
Rebecca Thatch: That line is both disgusting and laughable.
Alex Richards: Aww.. you always know what to say. That sums up Howard Black nicely. He's not a real champion, he's not a real man, he doesn't really add anything to life. My best friend Jay Omega once forfeited a championship just because he didn't want to have anything to do with holding the tag team championships with Howard Black. I don't blame him either. The Omega Man didn't want to help further your cause anymore than I do! But that's your legacy. You may have won the UCI world championship but I'll always remember you as the guy too pathetic for The Omega Man to hold a title with. After this week Howard when your one and only world title run ever is over no one is going to remember you.
Alex listens for a beat as if waiting for someone to disagree.
Alex Richards: I heard you talking about me for a second. But to be honest I tuned most of it out when you called yourself a main eventer and bitched about facing some mid carder like one of those smart marks on a website might do. You're the world champion and you think that makes you a main eventer now? Let's be real. From the minute Alex Richards entered wrestling people remembered me. People liked me. People were entertained by me. That's why the Pack came calling, that's why Pantheon came calling, that's why The Guardians came a knocking. Because Alex Richards embraces the adventure, he embraces life. Howard Black.. before you won the world title you would have been remembered as a member of the Sentinels. And that's only even because Dune and Joey Flash were Sentinels. You were the Sentinel who's name everyone would forget. They remember those two because they were great, and Occulo because he was the weak link. What did you do again exactly? You're undefeated in the UCI and I don't win every match. But I'm memorable. I have life experiences! You're just a wrestler. And to me this is no mere wrestling match. This is a war. And Alex Richards he don't lose those battles of good against evil. You're going to be remembered as a footnote. People are going to ask, who was the champion in between the great Crow McMorris and the great Alex Richards? Then someone is gonna say Howard Black and his buddy will reply with, oh yeah... what did he do exactly? Howard, you're a boring wrestler and a subpar excuse for a man. But after this week no one will ever call you champion again. And you know what? That's good enough for now.
Alex turns to Svengooglie and his lady friend Rebecca.
Alex Richards: Now I believe there's an after party with the Guardians to get to.
Rebecca Thatch: You do realize we reek of skunk, right?
Svengooglie: Why did your plan involve us getting sprayed too, exactly?
Alex Richards: Because I'm a master prankster of course! If I don't get a taste of it too it's just not that funny. It's a kamikaze prank! If you can't laugh at yourself who can you laugh at?
Svengooglie: You're a strange dude Alex.
Rebecca Thatch: That's what I love about him.
Alex Richards: Bout time that got appreciated. Now to the club!
Rebecca Thatch: No.. to the showers. C'mon Alex.. we can share a tomato juice bath!
Alex Richards: That turns me on way more than it should.
Svengooglie: Can a ghoul slime his way into that?
Alex Richards: Not a chance Sven.
Svengooglie: Worth a shot... catch you guys later.
Svengooglie begins to walk away when Alex stops him.
Alex Richards: Dude... use the guest bathroom.
Sven grins, and the trio walk off into the direction of the Strange Rover.
Svengooglie: That blood you threw at Paul Rudd.. That was just corn syrup and red food coloring wasn't it?
Alex Richards: I've been getting a lot of use out of that food coloring lately.
Svengooglie: Knew it! You can't get much past this spook! I've been in the fright game for too long!
Rebecca Thatch: Speaking of food coloring when are you going to make me those green eggs and ham you were talking about.
Alex laughs as the trio fade out of sight and into the Strange Rover. Meanwhile back at the church... a dirty, cut up, beat up, disheveled Paul Rudd finally staggers out the front door avoiding the trip rope.
Paul Rudd: You got to be fucking kidding me! First I get embarrassed at that fucking roast. Now look what fucking happened! I fucking finally had Alex until those idiots messed things up! Then.. fucking fireworks... indoors.. and fucking skunks! Two fucking skunks humped on my fucking face! I'll get you Alex Richards! I will have my revenge! I'll finally pour fire ants down your fucking throat and make you call me the ant man bitch! I smell like skunk love... FUCK!
Fade To Black