Crouching Drunkard, Hidden Punchline (2 of 4)
Aug 27, 2016 23:30:31 GMT -6
Spencer Adams, Crow McMorris, and 1 more like this
Post by Alex Richards on Aug 27, 2016 23:30:31 GMT -6
Scene 1- Roasted Reflection
My name is Alex Richards and I'm an alcoholic. That has nothing to do with anything but I'm genuinely proud of it so I thought I would get it in there. Let's start again shall we? My name is Alex Richards and I'm not supposed to be there...
It wasn't supposed to be me. It was never supposed to be me challenging for the world title now was it? It was supposed to be Jay Omega. Shit, I think there was even an introduction about him being the first UCI world champion wasn't there? I could have sworn I heard it from Polar. And he breezed through the world title tournament. Beat three people in the first round, beat Occulo, beat future TV champion Chase Jackson on his way to the finals. So he was gonna be the first Guardian to win the world title. Everyone knew it. Sure he lost a pair of close hard fought matches against the Crow. It was gonna happen, it was destined. But it didn't happen. He went off to outer space to save the girl. So that leaves Polar Phantom, right? Leader of the Guardians. Leader of Pantheon in earlier days. Leader of Cryogenix. Should be a hall of famer for that alone. Natural born leader. And nobody follows a leader who can't fight his own battles. But it wasn't Polar either. He competed for the world title once, in a ladder match and also came up short against the Crow. Gave it one hell of a fight though. But if it's not him and it's not Jay, it should be Bonnie Blue, right? The Daughter of Time. One half of the tag team champions with Polar Phantasm. Hell, she's a clone of Johnny Reb who has been a world champion! So Bonnie easily has the talent to be world champion in her own right now doesn't she? But this week, at Meltdown the honor doesn't fall to any of them. It falls to the most unlikely Guardian of them all. “The Archduke of Mass Confusion” himself. Who would have seen that coming?
You know, the guy who lost.. in the first round of the world title tournament to Erin Fausse. Then followed that up by losing the first television title match to Wentworth UpDaChuck or whatever his name is. Followed that up by losing a battle royal to Michael. Lost three of my first five matches in the UCI. And that's a GOOD start for me. Anyone remember my early days in the WCF? I made my debut in a battle royal. Last man eliminated defeated at the hands of the legendary Tommy Greco. Never heard of him? That's okay neither has anyone else. Lost my second match, a tag match to Scoops Callahan and Bryan Buzz Worthy. Lost my third match to Jam Willy Jesus and Natural Ice Beckman. Seeing a pattern? Your new number one contender is the guy who has been defeated by the likes of Tommy Greco, Michael, Scoops Callahan, and Mary Mac. Point is, Jay Omega was the biggest star in the Guardians, Polar Phantasm is a leader of man from way back, Bonnie Blue was literally born to be a champion. Then there's me.. Alex Richards.. the Zim-Quila drinking, bar owning, buffet loving, Spaghetti monster worshipping,pot smoking, out of shape, ugly as sin but still has a hot girlfriend, underdog! But here's the thing... when Meltdown is over I'm going to be the new world champion. I know this and deep down you know who else knows this? Howard Black.
Last week Howard Black and myself were facing off in a tag team match. The match never really happened. Howard and I fought backstage. We fought our way to the ring. Where Howard was finally able to gain the advantage by hitting me with the ring bell then putting me through a table. I wanted to smile. You tipped your hand Howard. You're worried about me. Now why did I go through all the things in my career that have been less than stellar? Simple to beat you to the punch. You're going to bring all that stuff up too. You're going to say how I'm not a worthy challenge for you. But you don't believe it. You proved that last week. You're undefeated in the UCI. Every time you stepped into the ring you scored the victory. So why wouldn't you risk that against myself and Dune last week? And more importantly why at the end of two shows in a row did you have to try and take me out. Try and soften me up before our match at Meltdown. You're the undefeated star around here aren't you? You're the one who defeated the undefeated Crow McMorris to capture the championship. Yet you keep on attacking me. The guy who lost to some of the least remembered names in the sport. And not just because I'm too drunk to remember their names either. You feel threatened by the Archduke don't you? And you are right to be worried, you are right to be threatened. This is your first defense of the world championship and it's also going to be your last one.
You should have hooked yourself up with a defense against Luke or maybe that adult baby chick before you faced me. That way you would have got one in before losing the championship. The way you hit me with the ring bell, the way you put me through that table I could see it in your eyes. I could see you hoping.. hoping I wouldn't get up. Hoping I wouldn't make it to Meltdown. You've beaten everyone in front of you so far. From the Crow to Andre Holmes to Andre Jansen to Shadowlove to Burn Out. But all of those guys.. they aren't Alex Richards. They aren't like me. No one is like me. Since coming to the UCI what have you done, Howard?
You won five wrestling matches you say. You won the world championship. You perhaps ended the career of the Crow. At least you hope so. I wouldn't want to be you when he comes back. But you won some wrestling matches. Well so what? I have won some wrestling matches as well. Some against the same or better competition then you have. But that's not why I'm going to win the world title. That's not why even you know you're in trouble this Sunday. I stepped into the ring 15 times in the UCI. I defeated ten of the best the UCI has to offer. But that's not what I'm most proud of. I'm most proud of the fact I explored outer space with the Guardians, that I got in a battle in outer space and blasted aliens with bombs made out of Zim-Quila, then I rode an excitebike through a maze, then I fought supernatural forces the likes of whom no one has ever seen. That my friends cared so much about me they built me a new bar when mine was destroyed. That I went to jail beating up the man who destroyed my bar, and then busted out! That I defied authority and did my own thing, worshipping the giant spaghetti monster and getting in one hell of a food fight. That I won a beautiful lady against all odds against a movie star in Paul Rudd. Then I fought alongside the Guardians against the Yakuza, and other street gangs of Chicago.. and we fucking won. So I ask you this Howard Black.. what kind of threat can you offer me that's bigger then the threats I have already defeated? When you've had a man point a gun to your head the threat of someone putting you in a Kimura suddenly pales in comparison now don't it?
What are you going to do that is going to make me give up? What are you going to do that's going to put me down? Because let's be honest. It's been tried before. By better man with more dubious methods then you, Howard. When I set my mind to something I don't fail. You know why? Because I play for higher stakes. I play with stakes where a loss isn't just a loss. Are you scared, Howard? You are aren't you? That's why you tried to take me out. Because if you lose the world title, if you lose your undefeated streak.. You have nothing. You want that world title because it's the only thing that makes you feel good isn't it? It's the only thing that justifies your world view ain't it? Because what if you lose the world title and nothing happens? You have to deal with the Jackal and he does nothing? Because maybe that means you didn't have to act the way you did. You could have handled him all along.
That's the difference between me and you Howard. That's why I'm going to be the world champion. Because nothing beats me without a fight. I survived prison, rape, a dysfunctional childhood, trips to an insane asylum. I kept fighting. I always keep fighting. If someone threatened Becky, threatened Zach, threatened a Guardian.. do you think I would play nice with them. Fuck no! I would fight them until I won or died trying. But that's not you Howard. Not you at all. That's why you're going to be an ex world champion come this Sunday. Because you don't have my spirit in your cup do you? If you have to fight you chose the easiest route. Me, if I gotta fight I'm taking down everyone in my path.
I've never been world champion. But I fought my whole life, Howard Black and you GAVE up. The outcome of this match isn't in doubt. I've defeated bigger challenges then you before and I will again. On some level you know it. You see the difference. And it scares you Howard.
Alex.. Alex!
Alex jars back to reality. He smiles ruefully, obviously his plan to rehearse his roast speech has gone by the wayside. He looks forward towards his brother Shaun Zach Richards and his girlfriend Rebecca Thatch.
SZR: Never would have thought I'd find you here. A bookstore?
Alex Richards: Hey can't a guy read a book in piece?
Shaun grins snatching the book from Alex and looking at the title.
SZR: The Cat in the Hat?
Alex Richards: Hey! I've have you know it's a classic!
Rebecca Thatch: You had to keep up appearances didn't you?
Alex Richards: I don't know what you're talking about Becky.
Rebecca Thatch: You spent two hours reading a children's book?
Alex Richards: Alright fine. I came here to do some deep thinking.
SZR: I think it's more likely you spent two hours reading Dr. Seuss.
Alex playfully punches Shaun on the shoulder.
Alex Richards: I'm feeling inspired how about we stop for green eggs and ham omelettes. I've left the eggs out in the sun all day in preparation.
SZR: Disgusting!
Rebecca Thatch: At least they would be pre cooked.
Alex Richards: See? This is why I like this girl. She thinks outside the box.
Rebecca Thatch: Plus I noticed you bought food coloring.
SZR: Wait.. how did you notice that?
Rebecca Thatch: The shape of the bottle that Alex was adding to the food in our apartment. Plus the fact he wouldn't stop giggling while he was doing it. Either that or he was laughing insanely while poisoning us.
Alex Richards: How do you know I'm not Indigo Montoya-ing you?
SZR: You're more of the Andre the Giant type. Now c'mon Alex.. we gotta get going. You're a featured roaster tonight.
Alex Richards: It's a Guardians roast. That means the time is subject to change based on Guardian's misadventures. Besides I still have an hour.
Rebecca Thatch: Yeah... but you have to help me get dressed for it.
Alex looks confused.
Alex Richards: You always dress yourself.
Rebecca Thatch: Get a clue Alex. It's just an excuse for us to make out a bit before the Roast.
SZR: Yeah.. I don't need to hear this about my brother.
Alex Richards: You shouldn't have asked.
SZR: I didn't ask...
Rebecca Thatch: You were here.
SZR: Now you're ganging up on me still not making any sense? Yeah.. you guys are a well matched couple.
Alex Richards: Now that I can agree with. Now c'mon.. we have a roast to get ready for! Hey Becky.. ever have sex with the next world champion before?
Rebecca Thatch: I did have sex with a guy who finished third in a Uncle Fester look a like contest once.
Alex Richards: Is that me or someone else?
Rebecca shakes her head as the scene fades out
Scene 2- Anarchy With The Archduke
Svengooglie in all his glory, with fake beard, fake hair, and ghoulish delight looks out at the loud crowd who has already been enjoying the Roast of Andre Holmes thus far. Andre even looks amused.. and pissed off at the same time from his throne. One wonders who much of it is an act. The dais consisting of the roster of the Guardians laughs and jests amongst themselves. Sven begins to speak.. to introduce the next guest speaker.
Svengooglie: Our next roaster drinks like the dead. Or drinks until he's dead. Tor Johnson is going to sue him for stealing his look! Let's check out... Alex Richards in action!
The video begins playing on the big screen..
Alex Richards drinks a rubber yellow boot filled with Zim-Quila
Alex Richards drinks from a well worn looking work boot also filled with Zim-Quila
Alex Richards chugs deeply from a fuzzy furry boot of Zim-Quila
Alex Richards attempts to drink from a leaky sock filled with Zim-Quila. He manages to get most of it done and then shouts out.. you owe me five bucks Becky! You said it couldn't be done. Her voice offscreen returns with “I Didn't say you couldn't I said you shouldn't”
The montage continues with Alex chugging straight from the bottle several different kinds of liquor apparently wanting to prove he doesn't just drink Zim-Quila.
Alex Richards is really drunk.. black out drunk. We see him playing beer pong with himself running back and forth from one side of the table tennis table to the other drinking from all the cups. Before finally passing out in mid run collapsing on the middle of the table shattering it. Before making a miracle recovery and chugging down several of the half empty cups of beer surrounding him.
Alex Richards sets the bar top on fire using Barcardi 151, and then roadhouses himself down the bar top sliding through the flames whiling continuing to drink deeply from the bottle.
Alex Richards is outside still black out drunk and on roller skates. No, not roller blades, he's old school like that. And carrying a rope with a hook on the end of it. He waits for a van to drive by and throwing the rope hooking it onto the bumper and going for a ride around the block at least until the freaked out driver hits the brakes causing Alex to fly through the back window of the van.
Alex Richards is calmly buffing his nails, having a mundane conversation about investments with Shaun Zach. In the background you can hear Alex laughing while watching his own clip video saying “Wow I must have been drunk”
In the time between the introduction and the video Svengooglie has moved towards the front row of the crowd where Alex's girlfriend Rebecca is seated, enjoying the roast. At least she was until Svengooglie came over to attempt to work his “magic” on her. Sven leans over his eyes directly zeroed in on her chest area.
Svengooglie: You could poke an eye out with those things?
Rebecca Thatch: You seriously said that. Are you for real?
Svengooglie: Oh yeah baby! It's all the ghoul! Just me and my pumpkin penis pump! And my jack o lattern really puts a smile on all the lovely ladies! I just have one question.. my coffin or yours?
Rebecca Thatch: Definitely yours. I just have one question for you too..
Svengooglie smiles, somehow thinking this is going well.
Svengoolie: Anything for a beautiful ghoul like you.
Rebecca Thatch: Should I bury you alive in that coffin or kill you first?
Sven doesn't know what to say fortunately for him he gets saved by Alex who was watching his failed attempt with amusement and steals Svengooglie's top hat and hair piece and places it on his own head before kicking Sven in the ass and walking towards the podium.
Alex Richards: I always wondered what it would be like to have hair again. Kind of itches. I gotta ask you there Sven.. do you have fleas, lice or is it just dandruff of the dead. No, it's crabs? Got to be crabs..
Alex tosses Svengooglie's hat and wig into the crowd.. who boo and toss it back. Svengooglie retrieves the hat and wig shooting Alex a dirty look before returning to his seat. Alex reaches into his pocket and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper.
Alex Richards: Now I'm on a really tight schedule here. There's a format I'm supposed to follow. Then I remembered wait a second.. I'm Alex Richards... since when have I ever followed the rules?
Alex crumples the piece of paper up and fires it towards an empty drinking boot where it lands.
Alex Richards: I'm just gonna do my own thing D list celebrities nobody wants to see be damned.
And with that.. Kevin James stands up from his seat, flips off Alex on stage and storms off towards the exit.
Kevin James: Fucking unprofessional mother fucker. Who does he think he is? Cutting me from the format. I'm the fucking king of queens damnit.
Kevin storms off as Alex starts into his speech.
Alex Richards: My name is Alex Richards and I'm an alcoholic. That has nothing to do with anything but I'm genuinely proud of it so I thought I would get it in there. Let's start again shall we? My name is Alex Richards and I'm not supposed to be there.. I mean c'mon.. I've been invited to roast Andre Holmes? Fucked if I know why. I mean I'm just not funny. Doesn't anything think I'm funny?
The crowd cheers, the dais filled with Guardians all laugh knowing the antics Alex gets up to pretty much ever day. Alex shrugs.
Alex Richards: Oh well.. I'll do my best but I'm not promising anything. I doesn't take Watson to know why we are here roasting Andre Holmes.. am I right? I mean Andre might not know why but Sherlock needs to get a clue.. am I right? But don't worry even if my jokes are lame we are going to make this right Holmes on Homes style... am I right? If Mike and Sherlock were here roasting Andre would that be considered Holmes and Holmes on Holmes?
Alex slaps his own knee in delight. Everyone else looks confused. Andre gives Alex the king's thumbs down from his throne.
Alex Richards: As the Archduke of Mass Confusion Andre Holmes often comes to me for advice. For example he asked me why I crossed the road. So I told him the truth. To get to the other bar! Then I ate a chicken! Andre Holmes also asked me if I was going to beat Howard Black. Okay, he's much better at this comedy thing then I am. Because that just made me laugh and laugh and laugh. Because fuck of course I'm going to beat Howard Black! Then he said he had a more difficult question for me. He asked me why Chicago was called the Windy City. So I farted! Ha ha ha ha!
Alex roars with laughter at his own bad joke. Polar Phantasm tosses a rotten tomato at Alex then winks. Obviously the Guardians are in on this joke. All of the sudden the big screen crackles to life. The words start before the picture appears.
I went all the way to the Daran system in order to save Princess Tasha from her sister... now I have to travel all the way back via satellite to save you from your own bad jokes? Ah well... what can I say... it's a Guardian's thing.
All of the Guardians and the crowd cheer loudly as Jay Omega appears on the big screen, looking a little more world worn, a little more battle tested somehow, but yet still basically intact. Jay lights up a joint as he surveys things.
Alex Richards: I don't know what you're getting at. Save me from my own bad jokes. I'm killing it.
Jay Omega: You're killing something. Probably brain cells.
Alex Richards: You say that like I have many to spare.
Jay Omega: I know you don't. That's why I came to save you.
Alex Richards: My jokes are brilliant and I'll prove it. Why did Jay Omega cross the universe?
Jay Omega: To fucking roast Andre Holmes!
Alex Richards: Fucking A he did! I missed you man!
Alex almost seems like he's about to tear up. Jay Omega fortunately knowing that Guardians don't let other Guardians cry on national television interrupts. It's probably in the Guardian rules somewhere.
Jay Omega: But first.. the important stuff... Bonnie.. Polar congratulations on those tag title wins. What? Did you think just because I'm across the galaxy I wouldn't keep tabs on you guys. Almost as importantly.. Polar man... tell me Franky hasn't destroyed my pod cycle by now.
Polar Phantasm: I wasn't gonna get him. But then he wanted to use it to jump this gorge. And who wouldn't want to see that.
Jay Omega: Seriously? You better have at least got video of that. Wait.. you would have just shown me that video. I'm calling bullshit.
Polar laughs
Polar Phantasm: Yeah you right.
Alex Richards: You fucking beat those purple bitches yet? I need the Omega Man back because no one rolls a joint like you.
Polar Phantasm: Hey!
Alex Richards: I stand by my statement.
Jay Omega: And you're right too! Shit, you guys have to try the Darakian weed.. it's the dankest. Makes you feel like you're seeing God.
Alex Richards: How's the war going?
Jay Omega: Man.. it's rough. I've seen some shit. But then again.. ever hooked up with an alien?
Bonnie Blue: If you want to get technical..
Jay Omega: It was a rhetorical question.
Bonnie Blue: I was just having some fun. It's a roast for God's sake. What I really want to know is. Are you alright? Do you need us?
Jay Omega: Bonnie, I'm a warrior. I live for this. Besides.. I hooked up with an alien. I know a gentlemen never kisses and tells. But I am no gentleman.
Polar Phantasm: I think Jay doesn't want to talk about the battle.
Jay Omega: Can't. Don't want to give away our strategy. Never know who could be watching. Although I have a hell of a time getting a signal to anywhere until I finally configured the moon. But now I get Cinemax. That's pretty cool. I've seen Shannon Tweed naked so much in the last week it has to be 1997.
Alex Richards: Screw Shannon Tweed.. I got something far better than that.
Alex reaches into his ever present doctor's bag. Which is of course always filled with some sort of bizarre goods. And in this case Alex pulls out what appears to be a flip book.
Alex Richards: From the age of 18 until 2005, when she participated in a Roast of Pamela Anderson of all things these are the nudes of Bea Arthur!
Nightmare: I'm going to be sick.
Alex Richards: What? It's for science! It's a great example of gravity!
Jay Omega: It's true. In space no one can hear you scream.
Polar Phantasm: He's probably joking.
Bonnie Blue: You want to check?
Polar Phantasm: I'm not that crazy.
Jay Omega: Get Nicky to check?
Nicolas Tesla: Don't call me Nicky! For the... alright fine. Come home and you can call me Nicky.
Alex Richards: Can I call you Nicky?
Nicolas Tesla: No, but you can go away and take that damn book with you!
Alex Richards: Nicky is just pretending to be offended because he probably knew young Bea Arthur personally. So you have managed to hook up with Princess Tasha.
Jay Omega: Not as much as I would like too though. Between the battles.. and the space dragon interruptions. Think you could show up Bonnie and distract Grimmauld for a bit?
Bonnie laughs.
Bonnie Blue: I'm not hooking up with a space dragon.
Jay reacts with mock disgust.
Jay Omega: You wouldn't even do it for the Omega Man?
Alex Richards: Maybe Nicky could build you a space dragon suit?
Bonnie Blue: That is such a dumb idea.
Jay Omega: Screw Cinemax.. space dragon sex is where it's at.
Bonnie Blue: You guys are morons.
Alex Richards: Why is everyone always hating on the great ideas we come up with together?
Jay Omega: Jealousy?
Alex Richards: Definitely jealously.
Jay Omega: But I didn't come here to talk about knocking boots with aliens. Or becoming the greatest warrior in the entire Daran system in mere months. No, I came here via satellite to roast Andre Holmes.. and damnit that's what I'm gonna do!
Jay puts on a serious face.. well as serious a face as you would expect from the Omega Man at a roast.
Jay Omega: I hear Andre Holmes wants to be a Guardian. Andre let me tell you this, if you want to be a Guardian you have some big shoes to fill. I'm not even talking about the whole save the world thing I'm sure you got that covered. But please tell me you can smoke like a Guardian for Krishna's sake! I mean one lightweight smoker in the Guardians is enough am I right, Alex?
Alex Richards: Fuck you. You're all kindergarten drinkers compared to me!
Bonnie Blue: Everyone is a kindergarten drinker compared to you.
Jay Omega: But we could smoke you under the table any day of the week.
Alex Richards: Practice makes perfect.
Jay Omega: Just remember Andre.. you're not truly a Guardian until your first blackout. But you know Andre I heard you had a bit of a temper so you would probably respect this. Because I'm a little pissed off. I heard this rumor that you're my replacement in the Guardians.
Good nature booing, Andre and the veteran Guardians all laughing about this.
Jay Omega: I don't know what the people who thought that were smoking but they damn well better share! Because you replacing me.. that would be like the UCI replacing Jayson Price as general manager with Sarah Twilight! Who the fuck would be that stupid?
The crowd erupts into laugher, as do the Guardians. Jay looks a little confused.
Jay Omega: I know it was funny, but is it really that funny?
Alex Richards: You don't know do you?
Polar Phantasm: He has enough on his plate.
Alex Richards: It would probably give him nightmares anyways.
Jay Omega: Just so you know.. if that really happened here... I'm so not coming back.
Just then a drunk manages to fight his way through the crowd and onto the stage. He fires a beer bottle at Alex. It whizzes by his ear and crashes against the screen. The crowd erupts into applause and laughter thinking this is all part of the show because the man who charges the stage is none other than Paul Rudd. Who slurs out a statement.
Paul Rudd: Hey Alex.. ya big dummy! I wasn't ready for ya last time. This time when we fight... I gonna kick your... your.. ass!
Alex Richards: You're drunk Paul go home.
Paul Rudd: Yeah I drunk. But you're drunk too!
Paul sways back and forth obviously suffering from the effects of the alcohol.
Alex Richards: I'm not going to fight you.
Paul Rudd: You took Rebecca away from me. We gotta fight! I went to Hollywood and met Jackie Chan. He taught me some of that drunken tae bo. Or whatever it is.
Jay Omega: Drunken tae bo? Yeah.. you need to kick this poser's ass Alex.
Alex shakes his head, looking a little chagrined as he approaches Paul who is flailing his arms wildly in what appears to be a drunken parody of a martial arts pose. He stumbles, almost losing his footing as Alex advances, hands down, and walks right into a wild Hollywood style swinging haymaker punch that knocks Alex clean off the stage and into the crowd. The opposite side of his girlfriend who looks concerned about what is happening. Polar Phantasm and Nightmare leave the stage to check on Alex. Meanwhile Paul Rudd is going wild celebrating doing the Hulk Hogan ear cup, the NWO 4-Life hand signal and the DX crotch chop to celebrate. Why are those the only things casual fans ever remember anyways? That and the Steve Austin middle finger.
Polar Phantasm: Why did you dive into the front row?
Alex Richards: I didn't. He beat me fair and square.
Polar Phantasm: That punch didn't even come close to connecting.
Alex grins slightly.
Alex Richards: You got me. I kind of feel bad about beating up Paul because I thought he was gonna steal Becky from me. And she don't have too many friends so I figured I wouldn't take Paul away from her. So I threw the fight.
Nightmare: That's actually kind of sweet.
Polar Phantasm: That doesn't sound like you.
Nightmare: I can be sensitive... asshole.
Polar Phantasm: That does.
Polar and Nightmare having learned what's up return to their bar stools on the stage as Alex gets up fake rubbing his jaw as he approaches Paul Rudd. The two talk at a low volume.. so the crowd doesn't' hear them. Of course the stage is micced so they do but Paul doesn't know this.
Alex Richards: Alright, we even now?
Paul Rudd: That depends. Can I borrow Rebecca for the blind Children's ball. They are gonna eat that shit up me dancing with a blind broad.
Alex Richards: Hold on.. so you were just using her?
Paul Rudd: To further my career? Of course I am! I made some pretty crappy movies. A big star like me knows they have to make themselves look good to get more work. And charity shit.. people eat that shit up. I don't have to tell you that though. I know Rebecca is totally helping your image as a wrestler.
Alex Richards: When I want to get a headline... I do it by beating up actors who are mis treating my girlfriend!
Paul tries to run by Alex grabs him by the throat.. and lifts Rudd up dropping him down hard on the stage face first with the Zim-Quila Hangover to loud cheers from the bloodthirsty crowd and the Guardians. He lifts Paul up overhead and walks towards the crowd..
Alex Richards: Stage dive!
But the crowd doesn't catch Paul after hearing what he had to say and instead let him fall hard on the bar floor. He slowly begins to crawl away as Alex goes over to his girlfriend, says a few private words to her and then gives her a big kiss. He then turns his attention to his half brother Shaun Zach who is seated behind Rebecca, messing up his hair then giving him a quick bushwhacker style lick before re entering the stage. As he does Jay Omega speaks again.
Jay Omega: Andre Holmes I could talk for hours but I have a princess to ravage later so I'm going to wrap this up. The Guardians have never made a poor choice and you won't be the first. I'm sure you'll do us proud brother. Now Alex.. I'm going to let you finish if you promise not to tell anymore of those terrible jokes.
Alex shakes his head.
Alex Richards: I make no promises. I mean... this is a roast. But quite frankly I don't feel much like roasting Andre and I'm going to tell you all why. You remember two weeks ago when we were facing off for the chance to compete for the world title? You remember me getting myself arrested before the match. I'll bet you all wondered how I showed up to Overload didn't you? Well I'm gonna tell ya..
Polar Phantasm gets out of the ARCTIC looking pissed off. Following close behind are Nightmare and Bonnie Blue.
Polar Phantasm: What the fuck part of leave no Guardian behind do people not understand?
Nightmare: We're here and it's just a prison break we can do this.
Polar Phantasm: I don't know, it's gonna be tight. Need a good plan. Maybe hiding in plain sight.
Nightmare: So you're thinking impersonating prison guards.
Bonnie Blue: It's freaky how she knows all your plans.
Polar Phantasm: You know him better than anyone else where the fuck is Andre?
Bonnie Blue: He said something about catching a ride.
Nightmare: Oh forget him. What about Hophi and Armand?
Polar shakes his head.
Polar Phantasm: Beefing up security at the church.. for some reason. I don't know. Their priorities are off. Alright, this is gonna be a good old fashioned jail break and like every single Guardians plan ever either it's gonna succeed.. or we're all gonna wind up dead or in jail.
Bonnie Blue: You have to work on your motivational speeches.
Meanwhile inside of the Cook Country Jail Alex is having problems of his own. Alex is being lead into the jail wearing a bright orange jumpsuit. He looks around noticing everyone else wearing blue prison garb. As a veteran of jail, having been arrested more times then you can probably count on ten hands he knows something is up.
Alex Richards: Why am I wearing the bright orange? Don't tell me that cheapskate Scamchez ran out of money and this is all they have. Because if that's true the meals around here are really gonna suck.
The guard who brought him into prison chuckles and murmurs you'll find out.
Alex Richards: You know.. I don't think I plan on sticking around long enough to do that.
Alex slugs the guard. Quickly taking his nightstick and his set of keys. He doesn't have a chance to do anything more however before Sergeant Richard Leary and Officer Springer appear on the scene. Leary talking to Springer as they enter.
Sgt. Leary: You want someone done you do it yourself. You like what you're doing you come to watch. So you can enjoy it. I'm going to enjoy this.
Officer Springer: What are we doing?
Sgt. Leary: Like I would tell you. Listen up idiot.
Richard Leary lifts up the bullhorn he was carrying to his lips and turns towards Alex who hasn't had the chance to go anywhere with his keys as of yet.
Sgt. Leary: YOU NEVER LEARN DO YOU RICHARDS? YOU STILL THINK YOU'RE GOING TO GET OUT OF HERE! WELL I HAVE MY ORDERS FROM THE MAYOR... HE WANTS YOU TO SUFFER! SO I'VE BEEN LOOKING OVER YOUR RECORDS.. YOU WERE ARRESTED BUT NEVER CHARGED ON THREE SEPARATE OCCASIONS FOR ATTEMPTING TO PASS MONOPOLY MONEY! YOU WANT TO PLAY MONOPOLY... SO I DO.
Sergeant Leary holds up a giant golden card with the words Get Out of Jail Free on it.
SGT LEARY: SO RAPISTS, MURDERERS, ROBBERS, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU DID I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU ARE! ON THE OUTSIDE THERE IS A BOUNTY ON ALEX RICHARD'S HEAD. I WANT SOMEONE TO COLLECT ON IT. NOT ONLY DO YOU GET THE MONEY YOU GET THIS SHINY GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD... FOREVER! GOOD LUCK ALEX... I'LL EVEN LET YOU KEEP THAT BILLY CLUB. MAKE IT MORE SPORTING!
Richard laughs as he takes the bullhorn from his lips relaxing against a wall waiting for the carnage to begin. Meanwhile his partner Officer Springer looks a little sick.
Officer Springer: You're a monster.
Sgt. Leary: Yeah well you're a pussy.
Everyone in the cell block starts to advance on Alex who clubs several inmates with the billy club. But there are too many. Alex backs off looking for a better weapon. He grabs a cart away from the janitor and shoves it towards the mass of men advancing on him grabbing a bottle of cleaning solution first.
Alex Richards: It ain't booze but I hope this works..
Alex opens up the bottle.. hoping to pour it on himself and go invisible but he is overwhelmed by a large prisoner who tosses him to the ground beside a cell and begins to choke him again and again and again. Other prisoners rush in. Also wanting the prize. A melee ensues. A shotgun goes off. Wielded by a bearded guard.
Guard: Get the fuck off of him.
Sgt. Leary: What the fuck are you doing?
The guard, who just so happens to be Polar Phantasm in disguise turns to Leary.
Guard: We heard about the prize. Why should these scum buckets get it?
Guard 2:(Nightmare) Get out of jail free. There are some scores I want to settle. And that could come in handy.
Guard 3:(Bonnie) Some people we might want to steal from.
Guard: (Polar) Now get the fucking prisoner up. We're taking him outside.
Sgt. Leary: Why are you gonna do that?
Guard 2, Nightmare smiles, holding a noose.
Guard 2:(Nightmare) We're gonna string him up in front of the prison so everyone will see what happens when you cross Sanchez.
Sgt. Leary: I like the way you guys think.
The trio of phony guards drag Alex towards the exit.. towards freedom. But the prisoners had other ideas jumping the three Guardians.
Officer Springer: Ain't we gonna help em?
Sgt. Leary: They were stupid enough to get into this. Let's see if they can get themselves out of it.
Now four Guardians are easily a match for any four people. Maybe any ten people. But a hundred people. And with only improvised weapons besides the shotgun which is quickly knocked aside. The Guardians fought the good fight. Took down more than their fair share of prisoners but in the end are subdued. The massive man who was choking Alex earlier now has a shotgun stuffed in his mouth.
Man: Any last words?
Alex says something which is muffled with the gun.
The man pulls it out briefly.
Alex Richards: We don't die here. We're the heroes.
And then the world explodes. But not from a gun. Instead the rumble was caused by a large tank crashing through the wall of the prison. The big gun on the front of the tank fires, causing the prisoners to run for cover as the cells directly in the path of the fire are reduced to rubble. The tank's hatch opens revealing Andre Holmes.
Andre Holmes: Second mission with the Guardians and I got an excuse to blow shit up with a tank? Fucking sign me up!
Bonnie grins at his old friend and the rest of the Guardians.
Bonnie Blue: Like I said.. he was just going for a ride.
Polar Phantasm: I knew that.
Bonnie Blue: You did?
Polar Phantasm: He's a Guardian.. you don't ever leave a brother or sister behind.
The Guardians one by one begin to pile into the tank. But this leaves an opening for Sergeant Leary who picks up the shotgun... only to have it booted into his face by Alex Richards.
Alex Richards: I feel like I've been waiting two weeks to do that. Hmm... looks like I'm winning at monopoly again. That could come in handy.
Alex picks up the get out of jail free card and joins the rest of the Guardians in the tank as Andre drives off Alex asks him one question.
Alex Richards: I'm your opponent this week. Why did you come here with the Guardians to rescue me?
Andre Holmes: You're fucking kidding me, right? Winning by forfeit? What kind of a pansy wants to do that? I want to beat you for real. Besides you got thrown in jail beating up a member of the Syndicate. I approve wholly of doing that.
Alex finishes his story.. and turns to Andre and gives a quick bow to the man in the throne.
Alex Richards: Somewhere Howard Black is wondering why before the biggest match of my career, before the first one on one world title match I have ever received in my whole career why I'm here at a roast. Wasting my time he thinks. And that is why he's going to be an ex world champion. Because he doesn't fucking get it. He will never fucking get it. This man.. Andre Holmes.. is a class act and a warrior. If I ignored this roast, if I ignored him in order to prepare for a world title match, I would have already lost. Because the minute you aren't there for your friends... for your family... you have nothing. Howard Black has the world title. He has the world title for himself. That's why he's weak. That's why he's venerable. He fights for himself and only himself. It's easier to let yourself down. You can lie to yourself. Say you did your best. Say you can win next time.
Alex looks at the panel, a broad smile on his face.. he looks at the screen at Jay Omega.
Alex Richards: When I win the world championship.. it won't just be for me. It'll be for Jay Omega.. the man I once destroyed a mall with in a brawl just so we could see who was better man. I still think I would have won that if the cops didn't interrupt it.
Jay shakes his head from the screen obviously disagreeing.
Alex Richards: But more importantly, the man who got me into the Guardians in the first place. The man who chose me. The man I want to let down less than anyone else in the world. For Bonnie Blue.. the heart of the Guardians. If only for all the great advice she gave me about Becky. Nah, I'm just kidding for much much more than that. For Nightmare... because she puts up with Polar Phantasm. And hasn't killed him yet.
The couple look at each other and laugh.
Nightmare: Yet is the key word.
Alex Richards: My brother Zach... if anyone deserves thanks it's him. No one puts up with more of my crap then he does. For my lady, Becky. Because she has and will always have my heart. Then we have Polar Phantasm.. our leader... without him we are nothing. He is the man with the baggie of pot and the plan to save the world. And finally Andre Holmes... he sacrificed a certain win to do what's right. When I win that world title brother... Howard Black can blame you. But he shouldn't... you would have beaten him too!
Alex speaks with resolve.
Alex Richards: I'm here.. at this roast.. to declare I'm winning the world heavyweight title.. for all of you.. all of the Guardians! This isn't just going to be my belt.. it's going to be a symbol.. the symbol the Guardians are the dominant force around here. The symbol that sometimes the good guys do win. The symbol that working hard, and doing your best every single week does pay off! Howard Black.. you're undefeated.. but you don't have a clue about what being a real champion is! That's why when you get in the ring with me your fate will be sealed. You don't understand what I'm fighting for, you don't understand how much this truly means. I'm fighting for family Howard.. you fight for your own ego.
Scene 3- Divide and Conquer
Looking around the Drunken Dragon it's obvious there has been a roast there. Chairs everywhere, trash everywhere, and Guardians certainly not in the mood to clean up.
Polar Phantasm: I think we need to blow off this clean up mission and have a little post party party.
Nightmare: You being irresponsible. I never would have guessed that.
Alex Richards: There's this new blues band that plays no instruments except for their own armpits we can check out.
Bonnie Blue: That sounds....
Bonnie thinks about being nice but decides against it.
Bonnie Blue: Horrible.
Alex Richards: We gotta find a house band to replace Temporal Wonkiness.
Polar Phantasm: They died in the fire?
Alex Richards: Haven't been seen since.
Bonnie Blue: I'll bet they just randomly show up one day as if they have never been gone.
Alex Richards: I wish! Now about Rhythm and Toots..
Andre Holmes: Oh fuck no! I just spent all night getting roasted by you motherfuckers we're going to see a decent band!
Polar Phantasm: Yeah.. you earned that. Hey where are you going, Alex?
Alex Richards: I'll catch with you guys on the way. I gotta go find Becky, let her know what we're up to.
Alex waves as the rest of the Guardians finalize their plans on the way out the door. Whistling a happy tune Alex walks towards the office calling for Becky. She isn't in there but a single red envelope rests on the office chair. Alex smiles, expecting a trick from his lady. His smile fades to a pale, worried expression as he reads the letter
if you ever want to see the girl again Renfield come alone.
Alex turns the letter over.. seeing an address on the back.. he crumples the letter in his hand and walks out the back door seething with rage and worry.
Alex Richards: It's gotta be 8-Bit doesn't it? If he hurts my Becky.. I'm gonna kill that motherfucker..
He begins at start to jog... then to run in direction of his Strange Rover... hoping he is not too late.
THE INDUCTION COOKING METHOD
Series conceived by Bonnie Blue and the Polar Phantasm
Series directed by the Polar Phantasm
Episode (II): Crouching Drunkard, Hidden Punchline
Episode written by: Alex Richards
'The Guardians' created by Bonnie Blue, Jay Omega and the Polar Phantasm
My name is Alex Richards and I'm an alcoholic. That has nothing to do with anything but I'm genuinely proud of it so I thought I would get it in there. Let's start again shall we? My name is Alex Richards and I'm not supposed to be there...
It wasn't supposed to be me. It was never supposed to be me challenging for the world title now was it? It was supposed to be Jay Omega. Shit, I think there was even an introduction about him being the first UCI world champion wasn't there? I could have sworn I heard it from Polar. And he breezed through the world title tournament. Beat three people in the first round, beat Occulo, beat future TV champion Chase Jackson on his way to the finals. So he was gonna be the first Guardian to win the world title. Everyone knew it. Sure he lost a pair of close hard fought matches against the Crow. It was gonna happen, it was destined. But it didn't happen. He went off to outer space to save the girl. So that leaves Polar Phantom, right? Leader of the Guardians. Leader of Pantheon in earlier days. Leader of Cryogenix. Should be a hall of famer for that alone. Natural born leader. And nobody follows a leader who can't fight his own battles. But it wasn't Polar either. He competed for the world title once, in a ladder match and also came up short against the Crow. Gave it one hell of a fight though. But if it's not him and it's not Jay, it should be Bonnie Blue, right? The Daughter of Time. One half of the tag team champions with Polar Phantasm. Hell, she's a clone of Johnny Reb who has been a world champion! So Bonnie easily has the talent to be world champion in her own right now doesn't she? But this week, at Meltdown the honor doesn't fall to any of them. It falls to the most unlikely Guardian of them all. “The Archduke of Mass Confusion” himself. Who would have seen that coming?
You know, the guy who lost.. in the first round of the world title tournament to Erin Fausse. Then followed that up by losing the first television title match to Wentworth UpDaChuck or whatever his name is. Followed that up by losing a battle royal to Michael. Lost three of my first five matches in the UCI. And that's a GOOD start for me. Anyone remember my early days in the WCF? I made my debut in a battle royal. Last man eliminated defeated at the hands of the legendary Tommy Greco. Never heard of him? That's okay neither has anyone else. Lost my second match, a tag match to Scoops Callahan and Bryan Buzz Worthy. Lost my third match to Jam Willy Jesus and Natural Ice Beckman. Seeing a pattern? Your new number one contender is the guy who has been defeated by the likes of Tommy Greco, Michael, Scoops Callahan, and Mary Mac. Point is, Jay Omega was the biggest star in the Guardians, Polar Phantasm is a leader of man from way back, Bonnie Blue was literally born to be a champion. Then there's me.. Alex Richards.. the Zim-Quila drinking, bar owning, buffet loving, Spaghetti monster worshipping,pot smoking, out of shape, ugly as sin but still has a hot girlfriend, underdog! But here's the thing... when Meltdown is over I'm going to be the new world champion. I know this and deep down you know who else knows this? Howard Black.
Last week Howard Black and myself were facing off in a tag team match. The match never really happened. Howard and I fought backstage. We fought our way to the ring. Where Howard was finally able to gain the advantage by hitting me with the ring bell then putting me through a table. I wanted to smile. You tipped your hand Howard. You're worried about me. Now why did I go through all the things in my career that have been less than stellar? Simple to beat you to the punch. You're going to bring all that stuff up too. You're going to say how I'm not a worthy challenge for you. But you don't believe it. You proved that last week. You're undefeated in the UCI. Every time you stepped into the ring you scored the victory. So why wouldn't you risk that against myself and Dune last week? And more importantly why at the end of two shows in a row did you have to try and take me out. Try and soften me up before our match at Meltdown. You're the undefeated star around here aren't you? You're the one who defeated the undefeated Crow McMorris to capture the championship. Yet you keep on attacking me. The guy who lost to some of the least remembered names in the sport. And not just because I'm too drunk to remember their names either. You feel threatened by the Archduke don't you? And you are right to be worried, you are right to be threatened. This is your first defense of the world championship and it's also going to be your last one.
You should have hooked yourself up with a defense against Luke or maybe that adult baby chick before you faced me. That way you would have got one in before losing the championship. The way you hit me with the ring bell, the way you put me through that table I could see it in your eyes. I could see you hoping.. hoping I wouldn't get up. Hoping I wouldn't make it to Meltdown. You've beaten everyone in front of you so far. From the Crow to Andre Holmes to Andre Jansen to Shadowlove to Burn Out. But all of those guys.. they aren't Alex Richards. They aren't like me. No one is like me. Since coming to the UCI what have you done, Howard?
You won five wrestling matches you say. You won the world championship. You perhaps ended the career of the Crow. At least you hope so. I wouldn't want to be you when he comes back. But you won some wrestling matches. Well so what? I have won some wrestling matches as well. Some against the same or better competition then you have. But that's not why I'm going to win the world title. That's not why even you know you're in trouble this Sunday. I stepped into the ring 15 times in the UCI. I defeated ten of the best the UCI has to offer. But that's not what I'm most proud of. I'm most proud of the fact I explored outer space with the Guardians, that I got in a battle in outer space and blasted aliens with bombs made out of Zim-Quila, then I rode an excitebike through a maze, then I fought supernatural forces the likes of whom no one has ever seen. That my friends cared so much about me they built me a new bar when mine was destroyed. That I went to jail beating up the man who destroyed my bar, and then busted out! That I defied authority and did my own thing, worshipping the giant spaghetti monster and getting in one hell of a food fight. That I won a beautiful lady against all odds against a movie star in Paul Rudd. Then I fought alongside the Guardians against the Yakuza, and other street gangs of Chicago.. and we fucking won. So I ask you this Howard Black.. what kind of threat can you offer me that's bigger then the threats I have already defeated? When you've had a man point a gun to your head the threat of someone putting you in a Kimura suddenly pales in comparison now don't it?
What are you going to do that is going to make me give up? What are you going to do that's going to put me down? Because let's be honest. It's been tried before. By better man with more dubious methods then you, Howard. When I set my mind to something I don't fail. You know why? Because I play for higher stakes. I play with stakes where a loss isn't just a loss. Are you scared, Howard? You are aren't you? That's why you tried to take me out. Because if you lose the world title, if you lose your undefeated streak.. You have nothing. You want that world title because it's the only thing that makes you feel good isn't it? It's the only thing that justifies your world view ain't it? Because what if you lose the world title and nothing happens? You have to deal with the Jackal and he does nothing? Because maybe that means you didn't have to act the way you did. You could have handled him all along.
That's the difference between me and you Howard. That's why I'm going to be the world champion. Because nothing beats me without a fight. I survived prison, rape, a dysfunctional childhood, trips to an insane asylum. I kept fighting. I always keep fighting. If someone threatened Becky, threatened Zach, threatened a Guardian.. do you think I would play nice with them. Fuck no! I would fight them until I won or died trying. But that's not you Howard. Not you at all. That's why you're going to be an ex world champion come this Sunday. Because you don't have my spirit in your cup do you? If you have to fight you chose the easiest route. Me, if I gotta fight I'm taking down everyone in my path.
I've never been world champion. But I fought my whole life, Howard Black and you GAVE up. The outcome of this match isn't in doubt. I've defeated bigger challenges then you before and I will again. On some level you know it. You see the difference. And it scares you Howard.
Alex.. Alex!
Alex jars back to reality. He smiles ruefully, obviously his plan to rehearse his roast speech has gone by the wayside. He looks forward towards his brother Shaun Zach Richards and his girlfriend Rebecca Thatch.
SZR: Never would have thought I'd find you here. A bookstore?
Alex Richards: Hey can't a guy read a book in piece?
Shaun grins snatching the book from Alex and looking at the title.
SZR: The Cat in the Hat?
Alex Richards: Hey! I've have you know it's a classic!
Rebecca Thatch: You had to keep up appearances didn't you?
Alex Richards: I don't know what you're talking about Becky.
Rebecca Thatch: You spent two hours reading a children's book?
Alex Richards: Alright fine. I came here to do some deep thinking.
SZR: I think it's more likely you spent two hours reading Dr. Seuss.
Alex playfully punches Shaun on the shoulder.
Alex Richards: I'm feeling inspired how about we stop for green eggs and ham omelettes. I've left the eggs out in the sun all day in preparation.
SZR: Disgusting!
Rebecca Thatch: At least they would be pre cooked.
Alex Richards: See? This is why I like this girl. She thinks outside the box.
Rebecca Thatch: Plus I noticed you bought food coloring.
SZR: Wait.. how did you notice that?
Rebecca Thatch: The shape of the bottle that Alex was adding to the food in our apartment. Plus the fact he wouldn't stop giggling while he was doing it. Either that or he was laughing insanely while poisoning us.
Alex Richards: How do you know I'm not Indigo Montoya-ing you?
SZR: You're more of the Andre the Giant type. Now c'mon Alex.. we gotta get going. You're a featured roaster tonight.
Alex Richards: It's a Guardians roast. That means the time is subject to change based on Guardian's misadventures. Besides I still have an hour.
Rebecca Thatch: Yeah... but you have to help me get dressed for it.
Alex looks confused.
Alex Richards: You always dress yourself.
Rebecca Thatch: Get a clue Alex. It's just an excuse for us to make out a bit before the Roast.
SZR: Yeah.. I don't need to hear this about my brother.
Alex Richards: You shouldn't have asked.
SZR: I didn't ask...
Rebecca Thatch: You were here.
SZR: Now you're ganging up on me still not making any sense? Yeah.. you guys are a well matched couple.
Alex Richards: Now that I can agree with. Now c'mon.. we have a roast to get ready for! Hey Becky.. ever have sex with the next world champion before?
Rebecca Thatch: I did have sex with a guy who finished third in a Uncle Fester look a like contest once.
Alex Richards: Is that me or someone else?
Rebecca shakes her head as the scene fades out
Scene 2- Anarchy With The Archduke
Svengooglie in all his glory, with fake beard, fake hair, and ghoulish delight looks out at the loud crowd who has already been enjoying the Roast of Andre Holmes thus far. Andre even looks amused.. and pissed off at the same time from his throne. One wonders who much of it is an act. The dais consisting of the roster of the Guardians laughs and jests amongst themselves. Sven begins to speak.. to introduce the next guest speaker.
Svengooglie: Our next roaster drinks like the dead. Or drinks until he's dead. Tor Johnson is going to sue him for stealing his look! Let's check out... Alex Richards in action!
The video begins playing on the big screen..
Alex Richards drinks a rubber yellow boot filled with Zim-Quila
Alex Richards drinks from a well worn looking work boot also filled with Zim-Quila
Alex Richards chugs deeply from a fuzzy furry boot of Zim-Quila
Alex Richards attempts to drink from a leaky sock filled with Zim-Quila. He manages to get most of it done and then shouts out.. you owe me five bucks Becky! You said it couldn't be done. Her voice offscreen returns with “I Didn't say you couldn't I said you shouldn't”
The montage continues with Alex chugging straight from the bottle several different kinds of liquor apparently wanting to prove he doesn't just drink Zim-Quila.
Alex Richards is really drunk.. black out drunk. We see him playing beer pong with himself running back and forth from one side of the table tennis table to the other drinking from all the cups. Before finally passing out in mid run collapsing on the middle of the table shattering it. Before making a miracle recovery and chugging down several of the half empty cups of beer surrounding him.
Alex Richards sets the bar top on fire using Barcardi 151, and then roadhouses himself down the bar top sliding through the flames whiling continuing to drink deeply from the bottle.
Alex Richards is outside still black out drunk and on roller skates. No, not roller blades, he's old school like that. And carrying a rope with a hook on the end of it. He waits for a van to drive by and throwing the rope hooking it onto the bumper and going for a ride around the block at least until the freaked out driver hits the brakes causing Alex to fly through the back window of the van.
Alex Richards is calmly buffing his nails, having a mundane conversation about investments with Shaun Zach. In the background you can hear Alex laughing while watching his own clip video saying “Wow I must have been drunk”
In the time between the introduction and the video Svengooglie has moved towards the front row of the crowd where Alex's girlfriend Rebecca is seated, enjoying the roast. At least she was until Svengooglie came over to attempt to work his “magic” on her. Sven leans over his eyes directly zeroed in on her chest area.
Svengooglie: You could poke an eye out with those things?
Rebecca Thatch: You seriously said that. Are you for real?
Svengooglie: Oh yeah baby! It's all the ghoul! Just me and my pumpkin penis pump! And my jack o lattern really puts a smile on all the lovely ladies! I just have one question.. my coffin or yours?
Rebecca Thatch: Definitely yours. I just have one question for you too..
Svengooglie smiles, somehow thinking this is going well.
Svengoolie: Anything for a beautiful ghoul like you.
Rebecca Thatch: Should I bury you alive in that coffin or kill you first?
Sven doesn't know what to say fortunately for him he gets saved by Alex who was watching his failed attempt with amusement and steals Svengooglie's top hat and hair piece and places it on his own head before kicking Sven in the ass and walking towards the podium.
Alex Richards: I always wondered what it would be like to have hair again. Kind of itches. I gotta ask you there Sven.. do you have fleas, lice or is it just dandruff of the dead. No, it's crabs? Got to be crabs..
Alex tosses Svengooglie's hat and wig into the crowd.. who boo and toss it back. Svengooglie retrieves the hat and wig shooting Alex a dirty look before returning to his seat. Alex reaches into his pocket and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper.
Alex Richards: Now I'm on a really tight schedule here. There's a format I'm supposed to follow. Then I remembered wait a second.. I'm Alex Richards... since when have I ever followed the rules?
Alex crumples the piece of paper up and fires it towards an empty drinking boot where it lands.
Alex Richards: I'm just gonna do my own thing D list celebrities nobody wants to see be damned.
And with that.. Kevin James stands up from his seat, flips off Alex on stage and storms off towards the exit.
Kevin James: Fucking unprofessional mother fucker. Who does he think he is? Cutting me from the format. I'm the fucking king of queens damnit.
Kevin storms off as Alex starts into his speech.
Alex Richards: My name is Alex Richards and I'm an alcoholic. That has nothing to do with anything but I'm genuinely proud of it so I thought I would get it in there. Let's start again shall we? My name is Alex Richards and I'm not supposed to be there.. I mean c'mon.. I've been invited to roast Andre Holmes? Fucked if I know why. I mean I'm just not funny. Doesn't anything think I'm funny?
The crowd cheers, the dais filled with Guardians all laugh knowing the antics Alex gets up to pretty much ever day. Alex shrugs.
Alex Richards: Oh well.. I'll do my best but I'm not promising anything. I doesn't take Watson to know why we are here roasting Andre Holmes.. am I right? I mean Andre might not know why but Sherlock needs to get a clue.. am I right? But don't worry even if my jokes are lame we are going to make this right Holmes on Homes style... am I right? If Mike and Sherlock were here roasting Andre would that be considered Holmes and Holmes on Holmes?
Alex slaps his own knee in delight. Everyone else looks confused. Andre gives Alex the king's thumbs down from his throne.
Alex Richards: As the Archduke of Mass Confusion Andre Holmes often comes to me for advice. For example he asked me why I crossed the road. So I told him the truth. To get to the other bar! Then I ate a chicken! Andre Holmes also asked me if I was going to beat Howard Black. Okay, he's much better at this comedy thing then I am. Because that just made me laugh and laugh and laugh. Because fuck of course I'm going to beat Howard Black! Then he said he had a more difficult question for me. He asked me why Chicago was called the Windy City. So I farted! Ha ha ha ha!
Alex roars with laughter at his own bad joke. Polar Phantasm tosses a rotten tomato at Alex then winks. Obviously the Guardians are in on this joke. All of the sudden the big screen crackles to life. The words start before the picture appears.
I went all the way to the Daran system in order to save Princess Tasha from her sister... now I have to travel all the way back via satellite to save you from your own bad jokes? Ah well... what can I say... it's a Guardian's thing.
All of the Guardians and the crowd cheer loudly as Jay Omega appears on the big screen, looking a little more world worn, a little more battle tested somehow, but yet still basically intact. Jay lights up a joint as he surveys things.
Alex Richards: I don't know what you're getting at. Save me from my own bad jokes. I'm killing it.
Jay Omega: You're killing something. Probably brain cells.
Alex Richards: You say that like I have many to spare.
Jay Omega: I know you don't. That's why I came to save you.
Alex Richards: My jokes are brilliant and I'll prove it. Why did Jay Omega cross the universe?
Jay Omega: To fucking roast Andre Holmes!
Alex Richards: Fucking A he did! I missed you man!
Alex almost seems like he's about to tear up. Jay Omega fortunately knowing that Guardians don't let other Guardians cry on national television interrupts. It's probably in the Guardian rules somewhere.
Jay Omega: But first.. the important stuff... Bonnie.. Polar congratulations on those tag title wins. What? Did you think just because I'm across the galaxy I wouldn't keep tabs on you guys. Almost as importantly.. Polar man... tell me Franky hasn't destroyed my pod cycle by now.
Polar Phantasm: I wasn't gonna get him. But then he wanted to use it to jump this gorge. And who wouldn't want to see that.
Jay Omega: Seriously? You better have at least got video of that. Wait.. you would have just shown me that video. I'm calling bullshit.
Polar laughs
Polar Phantasm: Yeah you right.
Alex Richards: You fucking beat those purple bitches yet? I need the Omega Man back because no one rolls a joint like you.
Polar Phantasm: Hey!
Alex Richards: I stand by my statement.
Jay Omega: And you're right too! Shit, you guys have to try the Darakian weed.. it's the dankest. Makes you feel like you're seeing God.
Alex Richards: How's the war going?
Jay Omega: Man.. it's rough. I've seen some shit. But then again.. ever hooked up with an alien?
Bonnie Blue: If you want to get technical..
Jay Omega: It was a rhetorical question.
Bonnie Blue: I was just having some fun. It's a roast for God's sake. What I really want to know is. Are you alright? Do you need us?
Jay Omega: Bonnie, I'm a warrior. I live for this. Besides.. I hooked up with an alien. I know a gentlemen never kisses and tells. But I am no gentleman.
Polar Phantasm: I think Jay doesn't want to talk about the battle.
Jay Omega: Can't. Don't want to give away our strategy. Never know who could be watching. Although I have a hell of a time getting a signal to anywhere until I finally configured the moon. But now I get Cinemax. That's pretty cool. I've seen Shannon Tweed naked so much in the last week it has to be 1997.
Alex Richards: Screw Shannon Tweed.. I got something far better than that.
Alex reaches into his ever present doctor's bag. Which is of course always filled with some sort of bizarre goods. And in this case Alex pulls out what appears to be a flip book.
Alex Richards: From the age of 18 until 2005, when she participated in a Roast of Pamela Anderson of all things these are the nudes of Bea Arthur!
Nightmare: I'm going to be sick.
Alex Richards: What? It's for science! It's a great example of gravity!
Jay Omega: It's true. In space no one can hear you scream.
Polar Phantasm: He's probably joking.
Bonnie Blue: You want to check?
Polar Phantasm: I'm not that crazy.
Jay Omega: Get Nicky to check?
Nicolas Tesla: Don't call me Nicky! For the... alright fine. Come home and you can call me Nicky.
Alex Richards: Can I call you Nicky?
Nicolas Tesla: No, but you can go away and take that damn book with you!
Alex Richards: Nicky is just pretending to be offended because he probably knew young Bea Arthur personally. So you have managed to hook up with Princess Tasha.
Jay Omega: Not as much as I would like too though. Between the battles.. and the space dragon interruptions. Think you could show up Bonnie and distract Grimmauld for a bit?
Bonnie laughs.
Bonnie Blue: I'm not hooking up with a space dragon.
Jay reacts with mock disgust.
Jay Omega: You wouldn't even do it for the Omega Man?
Alex Richards: Maybe Nicky could build you a space dragon suit?
Bonnie Blue: That is such a dumb idea.
Jay Omega: Screw Cinemax.. space dragon sex is where it's at.
Bonnie Blue: You guys are morons.
Alex Richards: Why is everyone always hating on the great ideas we come up with together?
Jay Omega: Jealousy?
Alex Richards: Definitely jealously.
Jay Omega: But I didn't come here to talk about knocking boots with aliens. Or becoming the greatest warrior in the entire Daran system in mere months. No, I came here via satellite to roast Andre Holmes.. and damnit that's what I'm gonna do!
Jay puts on a serious face.. well as serious a face as you would expect from the Omega Man at a roast.
Jay Omega: I hear Andre Holmes wants to be a Guardian. Andre let me tell you this, if you want to be a Guardian you have some big shoes to fill. I'm not even talking about the whole save the world thing I'm sure you got that covered. But please tell me you can smoke like a Guardian for Krishna's sake! I mean one lightweight smoker in the Guardians is enough am I right, Alex?
Alex Richards: Fuck you. You're all kindergarten drinkers compared to me!
Bonnie Blue: Everyone is a kindergarten drinker compared to you.
Jay Omega: But we could smoke you under the table any day of the week.
Alex Richards: Practice makes perfect.
Jay Omega: Just remember Andre.. you're not truly a Guardian until your first blackout. But you know Andre I heard you had a bit of a temper so you would probably respect this. Because I'm a little pissed off. I heard this rumor that you're my replacement in the Guardians.
Good nature booing, Andre and the veteran Guardians all laughing about this.
Jay Omega: I don't know what the people who thought that were smoking but they damn well better share! Because you replacing me.. that would be like the UCI replacing Jayson Price as general manager with Sarah Twilight! Who the fuck would be that stupid?
The crowd erupts into laugher, as do the Guardians. Jay looks a little confused.
Jay Omega: I know it was funny, but is it really that funny?
Alex Richards: You don't know do you?
Polar Phantasm: He has enough on his plate.
Alex Richards: It would probably give him nightmares anyways.
Jay Omega: Just so you know.. if that really happened here... I'm so not coming back.
Just then a drunk manages to fight his way through the crowd and onto the stage. He fires a beer bottle at Alex. It whizzes by his ear and crashes against the screen. The crowd erupts into applause and laughter thinking this is all part of the show because the man who charges the stage is none other than Paul Rudd. Who slurs out a statement.
Paul Rudd: Hey Alex.. ya big dummy! I wasn't ready for ya last time. This time when we fight... I gonna kick your... your.. ass!
Alex Richards: You're drunk Paul go home.
Paul Rudd: Yeah I drunk. But you're drunk too!
Paul sways back and forth obviously suffering from the effects of the alcohol.
Alex Richards: I'm not going to fight you.
Paul Rudd: You took Rebecca away from me. We gotta fight! I went to Hollywood and met Jackie Chan. He taught me some of that drunken tae bo. Or whatever it is.
Jay Omega: Drunken tae bo? Yeah.. you need to kick this poser's ass Alex.
Alex shakes his head, looking a little chagrined as he approaches Paul who is flailing his arms wildly in what appears to be a drunken parody of a martial arts pose. He stumbles, almost losing his footing as Alex advances, hands down, and walks right into a wild Hollywood style swinging haymaker punch that knocks Alex clean off the stage and into the crowd. The opposite side of his girlfriend who looks concerned about what is happening. Polar Phantasm and Nightmare leave the stage to check on Alex. Meanwhile Paul Rudd is going wild celebrating doing the Hulk Hogan ear cup, the NWO 4-Life hand signal and the DX crotch chop to celebrate. Why are those the only things casual fans ever remember anyways? That and the Steve Austin middle finger.
Polar Phantasm: Why did you dive into the front row?
Alex Richards: I didn't. He beat me fair and square.
Polar Phantasm: That punch didn't even come close to connecting.
Alex grins slightly.
Alex Richards: You got me. I kind of feel bad about beating up Paul because I thought he was gonna steal Becky from me. And she don't have too many friends so I figured I wouldn't take Paul away from her. So I threw the fight.
Nightmare: That's actually kind of sweet.
Polar Phantasm: That doesn't sound like you.
Nightmare: I can be sensitive... asshole.
Polar Phantasm: That does.
Polar and Nightmare having learned what's up return to their bar stools on the stage as Alex gets up fake rubbing his jaw as he approaches Paul Rudd. The two talk at a low volume.. so the crowd doesn't' hear them. Of course the stage is micced so they do but Paul doesn't know this.
Alex Richards: Alright, we even now?
Paul Rudd: That depends. Can I borrow Rebecca for the blind Children's ball. They are gonna eat that shit up me dancing with a blind broad.
Alex Richards: Hold on.. so you were just using her?
Paul Rudd: To further my career? Of course I am! I made some pretty crappy movies. A big star like me knows they have to make themselves look good to get more work. And charity shit.. people eat that shit up. I don't have to tell you that though. I know Rebecca is totally helping your image as a wrestler.
Alex Richards: When I want to get a headline... I do it by beating up actors who are mis treating my girlfriend!
Paul tries to run by Alex grabs him by the throat.. and lifts Rudd up dropping him down hard on the stage face first with the Zim-Quila Hangover to loud cheers from the bloodthirsty crowd and the Guardians. He lifts Paul up overhead and walks towards the crowd..
Alex Richards: Stage dive!
But the crowd doesn't catch Paul after hearing what he had to say and instead let him fall hard on the bar floor. He slowly begins to crawl away as Alex goes over to his girlfriend, says a few private words to her and then gives her a big kiss. He then turns his attention to his half brother Shaun Zach who is seated behind Rebecca, messing up his hair then giving him a quick bushwhacker style lick before re entering the stage. As he does Jay Omega speaks again.
Jay Omega: Andre Holmes I could talk for hours but I have a princess to ravage later so I'm going to wrap this up. The Guardians have never made a poor choice and you won't be the first. I'm sure you'll do us proud brother. Now Alex.. I'm going to let you finish if you promise not to tell anymore of those terrible jokes.
Alex shakes his head.
Alex Richards: I make no promises. I mean... this is a roast. But quite frankly I don't feel much like roasting Andre and I'm going to tell you all why. You remember two weeks ago when we were facing off for the chance to compete for the world title? You remember me getting myself arrested before the match. I'll bet you all wondered how I showed up to Overload didn't you? Well I'm gonna tell ya..
Polar Phantasm gets out of the ARCTIC looking pissed off. Following close behind are Nightmare and Bonnie Blue.
Polar Phantasm: What the fuck part of leave no Guardian behind do people not understand?
Nightmare: We're here and it's just a prison break we can do this.
Polar Phantasm: I don't know, it's gonna be tight. Need a good plan. Maybe hiding in plain sight.
Nightmare: So you're thinking impersonating prison guards.
Bonnie Blue: It's freaky how she knows all your plans.
Polar Phantasm: You know him better than anyone else where the fuck is Andre?
Bonnie Blue: He said something about catching a ride.
Nightmare: Oh forget him. What about Hophi and Armand?
Polar shakes his head.
Polar Phantasm: Beefing up security at the church.. for some reason. I don't know. Their priorities are off. Alright, this is gonna be a good old fashioned jail break and like every single Guardians plan ever either it's gonna succeed.. or we're all gonna wind up dead or in jail.
Bonnie Blue: You have to work on your motivational speeches.
Meanwhile inside of the Cook Country Jail Alex is having problems of his own. Alex is being lead into the jail wearing a bright orange jumpsuit. He looks around noticing everyone else wearing blue prison garb. As a veteran of jail, having been arrested more times then you can probably count on ten hands he knows something is up.
Alex Richards: Why am I wearing the bright orange? Don't tell me that cheapskate Scamchez ran out of money and this is all they have. Because if that's true the meals around here are really gonna suck.
The guard who brought him into prison chuckles and murmurs you'll find out.
Alex Richards: You know.. I don't think I plan on sticking around long enough to do that.
Alex slugs the guard. Quickly taking his nightstick and his set of keys. He doesn't have a chance to do anything more however before Sergeant Richard Leary and Officer Springer appear on the scene. Leary talking to Springer as they enter.
Sgt. Leary: You want someone done you do it yourself. You like what you're doing you come to watch. So you can enjoy it. I'm going to enjoy this.
Officer Springer: What are we doing?
Sgt. Leary: Like I would tell you. Listen up idiot.
Richard Leary lifts up the bullhorn he was carrying to his lips and turns towards Alex who hasn't had the chance to go anywhere with his keys as of yet.
Sgt. Leary: YOU NEVER LEARN DO YOU RICHARDS? YOU STILL THINK YOU'RE GOING TO GET OUT OF HERE! WELL I HAVE MY ORDERS FROM THE MAYOR... HE WANTS YOU TO SUFFER! SO I'VE BEEN LOOKING OVER YOUR RECORDS.. YOU WERE ARRESTED BUT NEVER CHARGED ON THREE SEPARATE OCCASIONS FOR ATTEMPTING TO PASS MONOPOLY MONEY! YOU WANT TO PLAY MONOPOLY... SO I DO.
Sergeant Leary holds up a giant golden card with the words Get Out of Jail Free on it.
SGT LEARY: SO RAPISTS, MURDERERS, ROBBERS, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU DID I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU ARE! ON THE OUTSIDE THERE IS A BOUNTY ON ALEX RICHARD'S HEAD. I WANT SOMEONE TO COLLECT ON IT. NOT ONLY DO YOU GET THE MONEY YOU GET THIS SHINY GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD... FOREVER! GOOD LUCK ALEX... I'LL EVEN LET YOU KEEP THAT BILLY CLUB. MAKE IT MORE SPORTING!
Richard laughs as he takes the bullhorn from his lips relaxing against a wall waiting for the carnage to begin. Meanwhile his partner Officer Springer looks a little sick.
Officer Springer: You're a monster.
Sgt. Leary: Yeah well you're a pussy.
Everyone in the cell block starts to advance on Alex who clubs several inmates with the billy club. But there are too many. Alex backs off looking for a better weapon. He grabs a cart away from the janitor and shoves it towards the mass of men advancing on him grabbing a bottle of cleaning solution first.
Alex Richards: It ain't booze but I hope this works..
Alex opens up the bottle.. hoping to pour it on himself and go invisible but he is overwhelmed by a large prisoner who tosses him to the ground beside a cell and begins to choke him again and again and again. Other prisoners rush in. Also wanting the prize. A melee ensues. A shotgun goes off. Wielded by a bearded guard.
Guard: Get the fuck off of him.
Sgt. Leary: What the fuck are you doing?
The guard, who just so happens to be Polar Phantasm in disguise turns to Leary.
Guard: We heard about the prize. Why should these scum buckets get it?
Guard 2:(Nightmare) Get out of jail free. There are some scores I want to settle. And that could come in handy.
Guard 3:(Bonnie) Some people we might want to steal from.
Guard: (Polar) Now get the fucking prisoner up. We're taking him outside.
Sgt. Leary: Why are you gonna do that?
Guard 2, Nightmare smiles, holding a noose.
Guard 2:(Nightmare) We're gonna string him up in front of the prison so everyone will see what happens when you cross Sanchez.
Sgt. Leary: I like the way you guys think.
The trio of phony guards drag Alex towards the exit.. towards freedom. But the prisoners had other ideas jumping the three Guardians.
Officer Springer: Ain't we gonna help em?
Sgt. Leary: They were stupid enough to get into this. Let's see if they can get themselves out of it.
Now four Guardians are easily a match for any four people. Maybe any ten people. But a hundred people. And with only improvised weapons besides the shotgun which is quickly knocked aside. The Guardians fought the good fight. Took down more than their fair share of prisoners but in the end are subdued. The massive man who was choking Alex earlier now has a shotgun stuffed in his mouth.
Man: Any last words?
Alex says something which is muffled with the gun.
The man pulls it out briefly.
Alex Richards: We don't die here. We're the heroes.
And then the world explodes. But not from a gun. Instead the rumble was caused by a large tank crashing through the wall of the prison. The big gun on the front of the tank fires, causing the prisoners to run for cover as the cells directly in the path of the fire are reduced to rubble. The tank's hatch opens revealing Andre Holmes.
Andre Holmes: Second mission with the Guardians and I got an excuse to blow shit up with a tank? Fucking sign me up!
Bonnie grins at his old friend and the rest of the Guardians.
Bonnie Blue: Like I said.. he was just going for a ride.
Polar Phantasm: I knew that.
Bonnie Blue: You did?
Polar Phantasm: He's a Guardian.. you don't ever leave a brother or sister behind.
The Guardians one by one begin to pile into the tank. But this leaves an opening for Sergeant Leary who picks up the shotgun... only to have it booted into his face by Alex Richards.
Alex Richards: I feel like I've been waiting two weeks to do that. Hmm... looks like I'm winning at monopoly again. That could come in handy.
Alex picks up the get out of jail free card and joins the rest of the Guardians in the tank as Andre drives off Alex asks him one question.
Alex Richards: I'm your opponent this week. Why did you come here with the Guardians to rescue me?
Andre Holmes: You're fucking kidding me, right? Winning by forfeit? What kind of a pansy wants to do that? I want to beat you for real. Besides you got thrown in jail beating up a member of the Syndicate. I approve wholly of doing that.
Alex finishes his story.. and turns to Andre and gives a quick bow to the man in the throne.
Alex Richards: Somewhere Howard Black is wondering why before the biggest match of my career, before the first one on one world title match I have ever received in my whole career why I'm here at a roast. Wasting my time he thinks. And that is why he's going to be an ex world champion. Because he doesn't fucking get it. He will never fucking get it. This man.. Andre Holmes.. is a class act and a warrior. If I ignored this roast, if I ignored him in order to prepare for a world title match, I would have already lost. Because the minute you aren't there for your friends... for your family... you have nothing. Howard Black has the world title. He has the world title for himself. That's why he's weak. That's why he's venerable. He fights for himself and only himself. It's easier to let yourself down. You can lie to yourself. Say you did your best. Say you can win next time.
Alex looks at the panel, a broad smile on his face.. he looks at the screen at Jay Omega.
Alex Richards: When I win the world championship.. it won't just be for me. It'll be for Jay Omega.. the man I once destroyed a mall with in a brawl just so we could see who was better man. I still think I would have won that if the cops didn't interrupt it.
Jay shakes his head from the screen obviously disagreeing.
Alex Richards: But more importantly, the man who got me into the Guardians in the first place. The man who chose me. The man I want to let down less than anyone else in the world. For Bonnie Blue.. the heart of the Guardians. If only for all the great advice she gave me about Becky. Nah, I'm just kidding for much much more than that. For Nightmare... because she puts up with Polar Phantasm. And hasn't killed him yet.
The couple look at each other and laugh.
Nightmare: Yet is the key word.
Alex Richards: My brother Zach... if anyone deserves thanks it's him. No one puts up with more of my crap then he does. For my lady, Becky. Because she has and will always have my heart. Then we have Polar Phantasm.. our leader... without him we are nothing. He is the man with the baggie of pot and the plan to save the world. And finally Andre Holmes... he sacrificed a certain win to do what's right. When I win that world title brother... Howard Black can blame you. But he shouldn't... you would have beaten him too!
Alex speaks with resolve.
Alex Richards: I'm here.. at this roast.. to declare I'm winning the world heavyweight title.. for all of you.. all of the Guardians! This isn't just going to be my belt.. it's going to be a symbol.. the symbol the Guardians are the dominant force around here. The symbol that sometimes the good guys do win. The symbol that working hard, and doing your best every single week does pay off! Howard Black.. you're undefeated.. but you don't have a clue about what being a real champion is! That's why when you get in the ring with me your fate will be sealed. You don't understand what I'm fighting for, you don't understand how much this truly means. I'm fighting for family Howard.. you fight for your own ego.
Scene 3- Divide and Conquer
Looking around the Drunken Dragon it's obvious there has been a roast there. Chairs everywhere, trash everywhere, and Guardians certainly not in the mood to clean up.
Polar Phantasm: I think we need to blow off this clean up mission and have a little post party party.
Nightmare: You being irresponsible. I never would have guessed that.
Alex Richards: There's this new blues band that plays no instruments except for their own armpits we can check out.
Bonnie Blue: That sounds....
Bonnie thinks about being nice but decides against it.
Bonnie Blue: Horrible.
Alex Richards: We gotta find a house band to replace Temporal Wonkiness.
Polar Phantasm: They died in the fire?
Alex Richards: Haven't been seen since.
Bonnie Blue: I'll bet they just randomly show up one day as if they have never been gone.
Alex Richards: I wish! Now about Rhythm and Toots..
Andre Holmes: Oh fuck no! I just spent all night getting roasted by you motherfuckers we're going to see a decent band!
Polar Phantasm: Yeah.. you earned that. Hey where are you going, Alex?
Alex Richards: I'll catch with you guys on the way. I gotta go find Becky, let her know what we're up to.
Alex waves as the rest of the Guardians finalize their plans on the way out the door. Whistling a happy tune Alex walks towards the office calling for Becky. She isn't in there but a single red envelope rests on the office chair. Alex smiles, expecting a trick from his lady. His smile fades to a pale, worried expression as he reads the letter
if you ever want to see the girl again Renfield come alone.
Alex turns the letter over.. seeing an address on the back.. he crumples the letter in his hand and walks out the back door seething with rage and worry.
Alex Richards: It's gotta be 8-Bit doesn't it? If he hurts my Becky.. I'm gonna kill that motherfucker..
He begins at start to jog... then to run in direction of his Strange Rover... hoping he is not too late.
THE INDUCTION COOKING METHOD
Series conceived by Bonnie Blue and the Polar Phantasm
Series directed by the Polar Phantasm
Episode (II): Crouching Drunkard, Hidden Punchline
Episode written by: Alex Richards
'The Guardians' created by Bonnie Blue, Jay Omega and the Polar Phantasm