Greasy, spotty, horrid teenage dicks.

Andre Jenson, named once in LARP magazine as “That guy who does the cool parties” was busy making his way through the adhesive aisle at the Kem branch of Jensen Distribution Services. A business that supplies major chains of hardware stores with their basic items for hardware brands like Home Depot and shit like that. Granted, it's the wrong spelling of Jenson, Andre was slightly drunk when he signed the papers and the o in his name was the result of him slipping when he was signing before maniacally laughing away at a giant otter that was in the room.


Shortly after buying the company, Andre decided to build the flagship centre right in the middle of Kem, making sure he had the access to everything he needed, mainly to build his LARP accessories, such as the huge lifesize dragon that adorns the battlefield, as well as shields and other shit. The base was nestled in between the Sea Life Centre and BestBuy – where AJ can get all the TVs he desired.



Either way, Jenson was walking through the adhesive aisle, casually picking up different adhesives and throwing them in the basket while whistling a jaunty tune that sounded remarkably like Kyle Cameron's theme. A smiling salesperson – you know the kind with the name tag and the always happy to see you face that is just ultimately punchable – came round the corner, his big, stupid, smiley face looking like he for all intents and purposes was Andre's best friend in the world and he hadn't seen him for months.



“Hi!” He said, rather too friendly and chipper like, “I heard you were in town, Mr Jenson. Can I help you with anything?” He said with the most genuinely stupid chirpy tone that grates even the most optimistic of people.



“No, No, I'm alrighr.” Andre protested, looking dumbly at his basket. “I'm just picking up stuff for Monday.”



The name tag said his name was Chad. That alone means I don't have to describe him to you, I mean the dude's name is fucking Chad. You know what he looks like already. Either way, Chad, ever smiling took a quick inventory of what AJ is buying, thought a few seconds about whether or not to ask the question, then thought fuck it. Let's do this. Fuckin' Chad.



“Whatcha doing Monday?” He laughed “The wife got you doing some chores?” Again with the smile, it's surprising the guy doesn't get flies in his teeth all the time.



“No,” AJ replied. “It's in case the spell doesn't work. You see I have to put two pieces of a belt back together when I get it back, I have a spell for it, but the book I have to be able to put the thing back together is a little dog eared at the moment so when it comes to the verbal aspect of it I might get it wrong. Hence the standard adhesives to put it back together. They won't be as permanent as my spell of binding, of course – but this will suffice as a backup.”



Chad's smug smile wavered a second before he went back to full on smile mode.



“Ah for that, you'll need gorilla glue! Or duct tape!” He went to reach for the gorilla glue to show AJ.



“Duct tape?” AJ looked at him, sharply. “Yeah, it's going to have duct tape on it already after Monday. I want something a little more..... permanent” He continued. “I mean at the end of the day, duct tape is something that'll be on the belt on Sunday anyway.”


“Why so?” Asked Chad, a little confused.



AJ sighed.



“OK, it's like this. I had this belt from Morocco. It was majestic. It had twirlers, you know everything you can even comprehend on a belt. I was so proud of it. One day I took it to work with me and left it in my bag. The next week some punk teenager had it. He stole it and won't give it back.” AJ paused for a second, to make sure Chad was keeping up. “So, we found his gang and did what any rational person would do, we intimidated them and tried to stuff them in a pokéball before calling his mum. Anyway, his mum wasn't too happy for us to call her, apparently the guy is a little shit and she hardly sees him.” AJ is a little animated at this point, trying to get to the end of his story, while Chad, to his credit was following along with that dumb fucking fake smile.



“Anyway, we have a meeting, I get the belt back but the shit tries to get it back off me and the belt got split in half. Since then we've had different halves of the belt. We are meeting again on Sunday to decide what to do. Apparently he has duct tape and we're going to be fixing it the best way we can.”



“Then you'll have your belt back?” Asked Chad, Chad the fucking douche. AJ gave him a levelling stare.



“No Chad, we have to fight in hand to hand combat first. This kid is a punk and I am going to teach him some manners this weekend. I mean honestly, he is such a degenerate, full of himself and cocksure. He can't be any more than 19 but he seems to think he owns everything and everyone.”



Chad shows the slightest visage of a frown.



“I mean, he's not like you, Chad. I guess your like, 19,20 yourself? You have a job, a smile, you're nice to people, despite working in an industry where people are just shit to you day in and day out, I don't know how you cope with it to be honest, Chad. You really are the opposite to this kid. He spends most of his day blaming others for his ineptitude and argues a lot. I hope you aren't like that, Chad. I hope you're good to people. You seem OK.”



A hundred thoughts ran through Chad's mind at that point. He remembered that just this morning he berated a child for eating an ice lolly in front of him at the bus stop, almost punched a grandmother because she was paying in change and practically drop kicked a colleague because he said that PSY was a much better artist than Pitbull. Obviously AJ wasn't to know this, Chad was good at putting his best face on at work.



“Oh, yes, obviously, I know what you mean.” Chad replied, trying to get on AJ's good side. After all, if he could sell him some extras that'd be the rest of the weed money he was scraping together for a nice session later on.



“I know, you're a good kid is why, Chad. It's rare you see that nowadays. Teenagers are on the whole, complete scum that sit and listen to things like Pitbull all the time and have no patience. You know?” Chad clenched his jaw at this one, thinking he'd let it go and take out his frustration on someone else later. AJ continued.



“I honestly don't know what else I could have done though. The guy needs to learn some manners. I guess I'll have to show him, eh Chad?” AJ looked at Chad, who simply shrugged.



“Would you dare speak abhorrently to anyone, Chad? Would you curse and yell and stamp your feet because the big boys took their turn at the table before you did? Would you demand to be taken seriously in a world of professionals when you can't even speak in complete sentences? Would you remotely even bother to leave the house if you smell like a skunk just took a bath in a cow pat? You wouldn't would you?”



Chad was getting a little annoyed by the lecture now, he would. He didn't give a fuck. He just had to pretend to do so he could score some sweet, sweet weed. After all he was a teenager, let's face it they had nothing else to be happy about.



“I get your generation has nothing really going on for you, Chad. I mean when I was young, I could get by with a small loan from my father. Only a billion dollars or so, but that was the sign of the times. We had no real need of money, we just got by with what we had. Have you ever heard of a Nintendo, Chad?”



Chad sighed. “Yes, I have, I never had one though.”



“Ah,” AJ said sagely. “Playstation kid.”



Chad bit his lip. In actual fact, Chad grew up, like many teenagers in a single parent household with 3 brothers and they didn't have any sort of video game console. He had to get by on card games and hand me down toys that were at least 30 years old and made of wood. Being told this by AJ was more than a little annoying. His generation, after all had everything, Chad's is consigned to menial shit with no prospects or anywhere to go or do. Once you were trapped in the bubble of the poor, you were consigned there. This was the life he was given.



“It's OK,” AJ continued. “Playstation was a good console, I mean I never played one, I was busy outside playing in our massive yard, slaying dragons and pretending I was Link and that Amy was Zelda. I had to go save her on many occasions. I mean your generation was brought up on video games and such like, you didn't get the chance to do something productive with yourselves. I reckon that's why people like Kyle Cameron are so angry all the time. Your generation have been given the short change. It's understandable.”



“ENOUGH!” Chad snapped. “I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR FUCKING BLABBERMOUTH OLD MAN!” Chad wasn't smiling now, his smug, smiling, bastard teenage face now had the unmistakable scowl of a pissed off teenager on it. “YOU SHOULD TREAT US WITH A LITTLE RESPECT, AFTER ALL WE'LL BE PAYING YOUR FUCKING HOME CARE COSTS!”



AJ was a little taken aback by this, from his point of view he thought this Chad was a nice youngster who doesn't tend to go off on one at the drop of a hat. Quite what he'd done to deserve this little outburst he didn't know.



“Whoa there Chad, calm yourself down son. I thought you were a normal kid.” Said AJ in surprise.



“I'M NOT A KID EITHER AAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH” Shouted Chad in Andre's face. To his credit, Andre looked back at him placidly.



Then it happened, Chad was angry to the point of no return. His face was red, he was inches away from AJ's face, screaming, spittle flying over AJ's face, making him feel a little like a splashback at a toilet.



When a man is faced with this onslaught of anger from another man, there are many things they can do to diffuse the situation. They can back away, apologise and calm the other person down. They can look away or down in deference, or perform some sort of conciliatory gesture to make sure the other person they don't want any trouble. The very last thing you should do if you don't want to get into a category A fight is what AJ did next.



You see, AJ isn't exactly the best person when it comes to things like body language, gestures or diffusing situations. When he rolled for these sorts of things, he tended to roll low. He had all the social nous of a terrified moose destroying a Canadian's living room when the Canadiens are playing Hockey in the Stanley cup final game 7 during overtime. One time, AJ mistook the sexual advances of Zooey Deschenel for Zooey needing medical treatment for her “eye issue.” He got as far as putting an eye drop in before she finally got wind of the fact this wasn't some sex game and excused herself as politely as possible. You see, Zooey would never be the kind of woman to go off on one or anything, she's an angel. A saint. The most glorious woman to ever exist and the love of....Oh, yeah, I should continue. AJ. Remember AJ. Even though Zooey would taste of sweet things and....Never mind.



So yeah, AJ smirked. Then laughed. You know, because nothing says diffuse the situation than mocking the other person. Or at least giving the impression that you are. In reality, AJ laughed because he saw something funny behind Chad. Something to do with a g clamp and string sitting next to each other. Chad took this as a personal slight though, so the next thing AJ felt was a punch to the face.



AJ spat while he looked to the floor after taking the punch on the right side of his jaw. He moved it around to make sure it wasn't broken. It wasn't. He sighed, dropping a dice. He looked at it and shrugged, before turning back to Chad who was standing, ready to punch again. AJ put one hand up.



“First of all, ow. What the fuck?” He exclaimed, holding his jaw. “That was so uncalled for!” He looked down at his dice again, then at Chad. “Secondly,” He began, but didn't complete his sentence as he suddenly drove his shoulder into Chad's torso, picking him up with a football tackle, propelling him into the shelf of hardware goods, causing the shelf to implode with an almighty crash. The adhesives on the shelf as well as the G clamps and string all rained down on AJ and Chad as AJ rained his own punches down on Chad's stupid teenage head. For every time AJ hit Chad in the face with his elbow or fist, he thought of Kyle Cameron and how he would do this to him on Sunday night.



Chad was strong though, he managed to kick his way out and turn AJ over after a while, hitting him back as hard as he could, grabbing random bits of produce and hitting AJ with it. At one point he was punching AJ with a makeshift shiv made of prit stick and when he realised that wasn't working, tried to clamp AJ's arms together. AJ managed to escape this dastardly plot though by squeezing a tube of gorilla glue onto Chad's hands, making Chad have to try and prize his hands away from each other.



AJ took advantage of this by kicking Chad off him and grabbing hold of his yuppie fucking shit teenage greasy hair, dragging him to his feet. Chad, not being able to pry his hands from each other looked like he was praying to AJ while AJ was holding his head.


“Strong stuff, that glue,” remarked AJ. “Thanks for the recommendation. AJ then started to drag Chad to the other side of the aisle, pushing him headfirst into the shelf of doorknobs and other assorted door based paraphernalia that you get at these sorts of places. Again, causing a massive crash and for Chad to be buried under a pile of knobs.



This noise attracted the suspicions of one Blake, Chad's supervisor and yet another one of the teen army of shit. He had been robbed before, so he came up all sneaky on AJ, grabbing him from behind and trying to choke him with a baseball bat. Quite why he didn't just smash it over AJ's head no one knows. Other than the guy being a teenager and not quite intelligent enough to know how to react in a fight. It was a good strategy, however, as AJ was struggling to get this choke hold off him, Blake was a strong teenager you see, the by product of working on a farm most of his life.



AJ did the only thing he could, he backed up as quickly and as hard as he could, hoping that the other guy would hit something. Eventually after a few steps, it happened, Blake went crashing into a stand of paint, and then a wall. He loosened his grip slightly as the wind was taken out of him, giving AJ enough leverage to take advantage. AJ elbowed him a number of times in the ribs and the midsection before flipping the guy from behind him over and onto the floor.



AJ breathed heavily for a moment, trying to make sure that he could get oxygen into his lungs after being half choked. Meanwhile, AJ heard the unmistakable sound of a chainsaw being revved up. He looked up and saw a furious Chad, now with red raw hands clutching said chainsaw and coming to him menacingly. His hands were raw and red. 'That looks painful' thought AJ as he thought of options as to how to escape this latest bit of angry teenage nonsense.



He looked around him and upwards, then rolled the dice and said a silent prayer to himself. He then ran across the room to a high stack of pallets and jumped, grabbing the stack and hauled himself up to the top. It was stacked at least 10 feet high and he knew that Chad wouldn't be able to get up there, not without him kicking him anyway.



“I have the high ground, kid.” Shouted AJ over the buzzing of the chainsaw, as Chad got closer with a mad look in his eye. Blake was also up at this point, staggering over to where Chad and AJ were staring at each other.



“I DON'T FUCKING CARE!” Screeched Chad, who tried to chop AJ's leg off with the saw, but not being able to get the height or angle to reach him. “I'LL KILL YOU, FUCKER!”



With that, Blake made a motion to Chad, and Chad nodded – turning his chainsaw on the pallets themselves. 'Shit' thought AJ, he hadn't thought the kid intelligent enough to cut the pallets down and bring him down that way. He grimaced a little, knowing that what he had to do now was going to be difficult. He reached for a dice. It wasn't there!



He panicked a little, how the fuck was he going to do this with no 20? All his life, he was reliant on good rolls, now that he's going to be cut down by some lunatic teenager and his manager they deserted him. He also made a mental note that he would really have to ensure these two get sacked and deported back to America if he made it out of here alive. Fuck it though, he was just going to have to do this naked, with no roll and hope for the best.



AJ sighed for a second, then leapt off the pallet with a rolling suicide dive, landing on the shoulders of a very surprised couple of teenagers, driving them to the floor. AJ rolled forward, continuing his momentum as the pallets also began to topple, on top of the shocked looking deodorant dodgers. AJ heard a shriek as they were both buried in pallets, the pallets missing him by inches as he rolled out of the way.



AJ closed his eyes and took a deep sigh, before getting to his feet.



“Well, that went better than expected.” He mused to himself, dusting himself off before seeing a poster for Meltdown flutter down, obviously from one of the destroyed displays. He looked at it for a second, the picture of himself and Kyle Cameron facing off.



“Fuckin' teenagers, they're all the same.” Muttered AJ under his breath.