Post by "Random" Ryan Jones on Aug 27, 2016 8:54:01 GMT -6
Rising star...only problem with that theory is that I have never really fallen. Well, not without picking myself up, dusting myself off and come roaring back to meteoric heights, something I've done my whole life and I don't see why this time around would be any different. Why would it? Better yet, after taking a quick look around this place..how could it? This isn't my first rodeo, for all intents and purposes, I am better than most and I won't apologize for it. I will supersede all expectations that have been put on me by not only myself, but this company as a whole. It's time to show I'm more than just another pretty face..
Right about now you are thinking who the hell is this guy? Fair question. Most will scramble to do their homework before getting in the squared circle with me..others will rely heavily on the words that I am about to convey in what will inevitably be a stellar promo, hopefully setting me apart from my inferior competition. I've done quite a bit in my life that really doesn't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world we call pro wrestling. When I win this Battle Royal and become the new UCI Rising Star Champion on Sunday Night Meltdown from the Talking Stick Arena in Phoenix, Arizona on August 28th, my hard work will be more than validated. Mark that date down, as it will become a starting point for what is going to be a huge run for the "Most Opinionated S.O.B. in this Business". My past accomplishments will become a footnote in comparison to this Herculean feat. Imagine going from a relatively unknown to a rising star in one night. Visualize it, Ryan..you got this!
Talking to myself? Wouldn't be the first time and it certainly won't be the last. As you hip-hop, swagsters like to say, "that's just the way I roll." ¤He cracks a smile but more like a smirk for the first time¤ Who better to hold an intellectual conversation with me than myself? At least I am on my level. I'm sure there a few here who can handle the banter of the "Master Debater"..but...few and far between. I'm as honest as they come and you'll learn to appreciate this as we go along this journey together. I will no doubt have my "haters" as it is written in the urban dictionary but I never have been one to worry about the miniscule things in life, especially not when it comes to business. Isn't that exactly what this is all about..business? My job is to take apart whoever management is so inclined to put in front of me, so please don't take offense at me doing what I get paid to do. Actually, I said I was going to be honest..I really don't give a sh@t if you get offended or not. Thick skin, people. If you don't have it I suggest you find yourself another line of work. Burger King perhaps? At least there you get to wear a little paper, make-believe crown for serving up a side of fries. I'm sure you could take one of those sweet smelling magic markers and scribble the words "rising star" on the front of it, like a two year old, if you wanted too.."Welcome to Burger King...may I take your order?"
Opening match is fine by me, but I don't expect to stay there for long. I'm not in this for the glory..oh no..with me it comes down to the almighty dollar. You think UCI didn't open up their wallet to attain my services? Of course they did and why shouldn't they? I've got star quality and big game potential written all over me. "Boy this one's a bragger", you say while rolling your eyes..but tell me this...is it bragging if I can back it all up? Good point, Ryan. It doesn't matter where I am on the card because that decision is made by the higher ups. I'm confident management will see what they have in due time, I will leave them no choice but to elevate me with the upper echelon of talent in this far more superior company than most. I believe I'm a five star, blue chip performer and believing is ninety percent of the battle. A certain mindset is needed to be a franchise model employee and I have that sort of "Random" thinking, or not thinking, whichever you prefer, required to reach the level mapped out in my own head. Question is: who is going to join me for the ride? That remains to be seen, let's see who can hang with somebody with superior intellect such as myself. Surprise me..I like surprises. ¤He flashes a smart-aleck grin, then pauses to take a swig of his sports drink that is getting warm¤
Time to turn it up a notch..if you are faint of heart or suffer from a Napoleon complex you might want to cover your ears because sh@t is about to get real...I love the guys who won't wrestle women and scream it's all in the name of protecting the business or cry it's not realistic..realism in professional wrestling? Get out of here with that nonsense..this is the entertainment industry, boys and girls. Fantasy..make believe..meaning, newsflash: it's all pretend. Don't get me wrong we put our bodies on the line and you have to be an above average athlete but I'm not going to try and pull the wool over anybody's eyes acting like pro wrestling fans are a bunch of stupid idiots..even if they are. ¤He grins¤ It helps if you are gifted on the stick as well. Which most of us here are but it takes more than just the gift of gab. You have to be able to do more than just flap your lips to get over in this industry..if you're a women, getting on your knees has been known to work in some companies but I'm not sure if that's industry standard or not. Most women beIong in there just as much as me or anybody else. More so really. They have every right to make a living, put food on their table, and provide for their families. As long as they are capable, who cares? As long as they are safe and trained to be a professional wrestler, I don't see why it's even an issue. I know we really do get hurt putting our body on the line to put on a high caliber show. The injuries are real. I always see the warnings: Do not try this at home...forget the warnings, put down the grape soda, grab the chair you are sitting on and crack it over your head as hard as you can and see how it feels. Real enough for you?
I don't care if it's a woman, man or a freakin' billy goat they put me up against just as long as my happy ass gets paid. No ego involved, or "no shame in my game" to put it in everyday terms so even the educationally challenged can understand. Most of these women act like they have male genitals anyway, so what's the difference?
None, as long as that check clears. That's how you get by in this business and this business is how I make my living. Money rules the world unfortunately, no matter how you look at it. I'm just playing the hand I've been dealt and on Meltdown , I'm hitting black jack when I walk out the new UCI Rising Star Champion..
Gone are the days of easy money, sitting at a desk, yelling on a phone at a whale trying to get him to invest his fortunes for the future..his and mine. The easy road I paved took a little turn off the beaten path but you won't find me shedding a tear, that's not my style. Why cry over life? Why put energy into something that in the end will only serve as a detriment to your already deterioring mind? What is...will be. No matter the claims, none of us are a higher power that can eradicate the system. I refuse to worry about sh@t that I can't control. I never put the cart before the horse..no matter how ugly the horse may be.
One thing I can control is making sure I'm the one that walks out of the Talking Stick Resort Arena the new UCI Rising Star Champion, and not one of my esteemed colleagues. I need to make sure when I get on the mic in front of the billions of fans and haters watching around the world, that I transform the atmosphere into the Talking Shit Resort Arena. I will live the moment and not let the moment live me. We all got something to prove, we all want a seat at the head table. Nobody wants to be labeled a bust. I think we will surprise a lot of folks that don't know UCI is the premier organization in this very saturated industry. All eyes on the newcomers? I thrive under pressure, I wouldn't have it any other way!
I know I don't really fit in here and I'm okay with that. I'm not the kind of chap who cares if he hangs out with the cool kids or sips on the different flavored Kool-Aid flowing through the neighborhood. I don't do the long, drawn out nursery rhymes or the Days of Our Lives video journals some try to pawn off as a pro wrestling promo. I'll find my 'spot'. I'm not looking for hand outs, no 'easy button' for me. By Sunday night's end my job will be to entertain the masses..isn't that our goal? I guess this is what they mean by this 'squad goals' thingy I see trending on the daily. ¤He grins from ear to ear¤
Time for the old dreaded talk about my opponents spot. Dreaded for them not for me. I love this part of the business. This week I have plenty to pick from since there will be so many of us trying to get heavier by winning some gold. Half the roster in the same match? Combustible Explosion of Orgasmic Proportions..so many freaks, weirdos, and crazy psychopaths all under one roof is bad enough, I have a feeling things could break down but isn't that the fun part? ¤His eyes light up¤ The mayhem that we will face together may just bring us closer..brilliant move UCI. The ol' reverse psychology method. The thinking is this will build some sort of camaraderie between us..well played. We wouldn't want the inmates running the asylum would we? Has there been any thought to what if the newbies end up sticking together? What if we ban together and become a unit fighting the forces of the nasty ol' mean veterans? ¤He winks into the camera¤
Let's not get ahead of ourselves because I know what's on the line...bragging rights, more notoriety, higher pay scale just to name a few. I don't need the title to get cheap 'heat'..I am my own heat. Most of us will survive whether we walk away with the title that night or not. Look at the roster..how many are signed to contracts? How many titles do we have in the company? Not everybody is going to have a title at once. The laws of mathematics don't work that way. If we lose some along the way in this revolution, so be it. Let's take a closer look at my frenemies, shall we?
Leading off will be Celeste Mallory..she may be a "Pretty Little Devil" but can she fight the fight? She's from England so odds are I bet she can. Problem is she suffers from mummy issues and that will end up being detrimental to her in our match. I have to admit her craziness is kind of a turn on. Don't tell her I said that- ¤Ryan loses focus for a minute¤ Focus, Ryan..focus! ¤He slaps himself¤ Like I was saying..Celeste wants to please her mum so bad it nearly cripples her emotionally. Some day she'll learn to let go and make herself happy first. Until then she will most likely be easy pickins in the ring..bless her little heart. When she loses, it won't be for lack of effort, she will leave her heart in that ring Monday on Meltdown. I won't be blinded by her beauty because that would play right into her and her evil mother's game. Mother won't be getting her way this time, not on my dime. Celeste, I'm glad you like blood because plenty will be spilled..mine and yours! Just remember to save the first and last dance for me. ¤He winks then smiles into the camera¤
Next up..Kestrel..A woman with a chip on her shoulder larger than the brain in her pretty little head. Tough? Tougher than a two dollar steak in one of the casinos UCI picked her up in. Always feeling like she has some kind of point to prove no matter what the situation. She has been trained to be a one woman wrecking crew and she will absolutely break you if you aren't careful. Being so head strong will work against her with so many button pushers in there. She will end up self-destructing without any help once so ever. It will be a valiant effort but it won't be her night with all that pinned up, deep seeded anger she possess. Two down..plenty more to go!
Lara Chang...Jackie's long lost daughter I presume? I'm just kidding of course because Jackie is Chinese and her father is of Hawiian descent and that's Chan anyway..Whoever her father is, there is no denying she is a little spitfire..at a hundred and twenty pounds soaking wet, most will underestimate her. I won't be one of those people. I prepare for all angles of the sword so to speak. My advantage over little Lara is I out weigh her by a hundred pounds or more so my power will overcome her. Don't get me wrong, she will make a great showing but the odds of her winning the whole Battle Royal isn't very likely. She has the heart, just not the size needed to pull off the miracle she would need to walk out Rising Star Champion. We all have our weaknesses, I don't care who you are. Does it take more heart or skill to become a champion in this industry is the age old question. Lara is the perfect test subject for this debate. Monday we will have a definitive answer. If you ever needed to summon the God's of Japan or Hawaii now would be the time. Spitfire or not, I will not hesitate to throw you over the top rope and onto the floor. I have no problem slaying a dragon, it would just be another day at the office as far as I'm concerned. So keep your head on a swivel little spitfire..or I guarantee you the dragon's head will be cut off and fed to the peasants at ringside. You've been warned. There's no debating that!
Who's next in line for my verbal assault? Jonathan "Fang" Porter.."The Wolf God", "The Hunter", "The Devil You Don't Know", "The Master Deal Broker", "The Man In Black" "Satan's Chosen", "The Beast who will be King", "The Spirit of the Wolf", "The True Immortal"--Jesus Christ..no that's not a nickname, just me thinking I thought I had a lot of nicknames but this guy takes the cake. Over confident much there, Jon? This lad has more surnames than Apollo Creed. The Wolf God? Where the f@ck have I been? I need to catch up on my comic books because I've never heard of such ridiculousness in all my life. What the hell does one feed a Wolf God..Blue Wilderness? I seen the commercials..our resident Demon likes the taste of the wild like his ancestors before him. At least Jon has ready made endorsement deals..even if it is dog food.
"The Devil You Don't Know"..that's a tongue twister and very deep. What if someone where happened to be atheist? Kind of throws your whole gimmick into a tailspin, doesn't it? Certainly if they don't believe in God, that throws the "Wolf God" philosophy out the window, not to mention they don't believe in the Devil so that cancels out number two as well. You aren't doing so well with these monikers..are you?
"The Hunter"..pretty original. ¤He smirks¤ Doesn't hunting have seasons? Doesn't it also have rules, regulations and limitations? Maybe this one wasn't thought out well enough? You think..
"The Master Deal Broker"..now you are sort of in my wheel house. Being, I was a real Broker and now I am dubbed the "Master Debater" this is my area of expertise. I actually like this nickname. It needs to be explained to those who probably don't get it but it's not bad..I've heard worse..
"The Man in Black"..here's an example of worse. First, you Mr. Fang, are no Johnny Cash. Second you are no Will Smith or Tommy Lee Jones either. Third..black isn't all that scary any more. It's this dated wisdom that might keep you from fitting in around here but what do I know? I know black no longer frightens people like it did in the 60's and 70's. Better than being yellow..I'll give you that.
"Satan's Chosen"..now I'm confused, which honestly doesn't take much these days. I thought you are implying you are the lead Devil or King Satan himself? So you chose yourself? Mighty big of you, but that's not really going out on a limb is it? I choose myself too then, so now we are even. This still has the Atheist holes but we will overlook that because I am such a nice guy.
"The Beast who will be King"..ugh..where do I begin with this one? I thought you were a Wolf God? So the beast part I get but isn't God already the King? The King of Kings as it is written in the Bible..so unless you're playing chess I don't think this works very well. Checkmate..
"Spirit of the Wolf"..now you are just throwing sh@t at a board and hoping it sticks. Was this your Indian given name? Me, Spirit Wolf..see me roar! I'll do you one better. How about Tonto..you know from the Lone Ranger. Halt kemosabe..has a good ring to it. I hope these foolish handles will some how help you more in the ring because from the looks of it you are going to need it Jon..Hi-Yo, Silver! Away!
Next up is a man straight from your nightmares..no not Freddy Krueger silly.. Logan Demon Joker..emphasis on Joker..I'm assuming LDJ will be the name of choice in this situation. I'm pulling no punches, you seem like a clown to me. You must be UCI's version of Scorpion James. Who's really afraid of clowns? Is there even such a thing as an 'evil' one at that? Seriously, you wear more make up than all the women combined in our match. Good luck with that rubbish!
Dennis "The Menace" Holt..I feel like I grew up watching him on television. Hey, camera guy, why do you look so confused? Oh, it's Archie, not Dennis, still it was part of my childhood. Who didn't want to screw Veronica? I know it's only in comic strip form but I bet a bunch of us rubbed one out to Veronica. ¤The Camera man whispers into Ryan's ear¤ Archer..my error, as you can see I am terrible when it comes to names. Ah..yeah, you have just as good of shot as anybody to be the next Rising Star..¤He rolls his eyes¤ Sure, buddy, whatever tickles your fancy. I won't go put money down in Vegas or anything but that's just me. I'll do me, .and you..well, you do whatever the hell it is you do. Should be interesting..or not!
Lucky number 7. He seems like a decent enough fellow. A little more complexed than even he can recognize but we all have our little quirks, don't we? He brings dysfunction to the game and that is something I can appreciate and relate to. Sven Alexander..though disturbed, is as methodical and calculated as they come. There seems to be a psychological science he uses to break down his opponent mentally before the match even starts. I'm sure that works on mediocre minded opponents but I am far from mediocre, my friend. We both have this controlled chaos that is hard for others to rival. I like to talk a little more than him but that's all part of his playing the unassuming role. Nobody will suspect anything when he Dwi Chagi Kicks (taekwondo name for crescent kick or aka Super Kick) their head clean off their shoulders. I know to stay clear of his well educated feet, though I may have a few tricks up my own gi-sleeve. I have trained in MMA long enough to protect myself without taking to much damage in the process. In jail you have nothing but time to hone your craft. Translate that into professional wrestling and I'll be more than adequate enough to get the job done. Babbling, nonsensically like he often does will be to no avail and doesn't intimidate me once so ever. We both seem attached to the number seven. Who's lucky day will it be on Meltdown..me or the high kicking Q-Tip? Only one way to find out! Tune in on Sunday night.. ¤He pauses to take another swig of his Gatorade and takes a few seconds to breath before he starts speaking again¤
Damien Childs..Mr. 90210 himself. I'm trying to figure out if he's more Dylan or Brandon..one thing that is for sure if anybody needs anything illegal, him or Evil are the ones to go to. They don't call him the Prince of the Sunset Strip for nothing. I'm starting to see a trend here. We have a wannabe Princess, a King and now a Prince..what kind of jacked up fairytale am I in? Only in UCI could this be the case. It takes a special breed to be part of this compound and Damien fits in better than most socially. Way better than I do. He has undervalued attributes that you need to survive and thrive in this cut throat industry. All his connections won't help him in a every man for himself Battle Royal though now, will it? There will be plenty of alpha and omega types, I'll sit back and let them fight amongst themselves, then pick them off one by one like it is Childs play, right Damien?
Princeton St. John..one of the most decorated men in combat sports history. Bo Jackson knows nothing compared to PSJ when it comes to being a two, three, four sport athlete. He could have chosen any sport he wanted..smashing Home Runs with the likes of Barry Bonds..one handed catches in the NFL like Odell Beckham..or sinking a three pointer over LeBron James in the NBA but he instead chose his passion..wrestling. He didn't just choose wrestling, it's more like wrestling chose him. It all came so natural to him. Two-time NCAA Undisputed Heavyweight Champion, One-time Olympic Gold Medal winner and one of the most genetically gifted athletes in the history of sports. Then there's the ego..trust me, Kayne West has nothing on Princeton. What a waste of talent. He can't get along with anybody, which isn't really a big deal considering this isn't a tag team title match but there is more there than meets the eye. Guys with his kind of attitude never work out so why would any promoter put a title on a problem? Usually they don't and that's something Princeton is always up against. Sky's the limit. ¤"Sky's the Limit"; by The Notorious B.I.G., faintly begins to play in the background¤ This guy has the untapped potential most could only dream about. The chances of him getting it all together by Sunday Night for Meltdown are not very high. He is definitely one to keep an eye on for the fans and for me to stay clear of. We don't need him getting into to gold chasing mode, not an Olympic athlete of his caliber. Looks like the immovable object might have to face the irresistible force when it's all said and done. If it comes down to us two in the end it will be a challenge of epic proportions..a challenge I am looking forward too. How many times do you get to prove yourself against a once in a lifetime athlete and Olympic Gold Medalist? Not very often.
Finally we have Zanatos..the chewy breath mint? That's Mentos silly..this guy is the Angel of Death not to be confused with the Angel of Bad Breath. So now we can add an Angel to our list of crazy characters we got going on in this mixed basket of turmoil. This one also has daddy issues so he'll fit right into this emotionally unstable loop we got circling the premises. Zanatos has father abandonment written all over him. Given such a raw deal at a young age has made him bitter towards society and that becomes very dangerous for a man his size and temperament. Who could blame him? Zanatos is fresh and full of life! Damn it, that's Mentos again-
《●Before he can get another word out he is interrupted by his Penthouse door buzzer. Ryan pushes the call speaker button in response ●》
Ryan: Hello?
Doorman: Excuse me, sir, Mrs. Jones is here--
《●Can barely be heard.●》
April Jones: Miss..it's Ms. Jones!
《●"Oh Boy"; Ryan thinks to himself out loud. He pushes the call speaker button●》
Ryan: Okay, send them up! I guess I'll have to cut this promo short. As you can see my ex-wife has brought my son home early once again. I really don't have much more to say anyways, I could go on and on for hours but then that would be somebody else's promo and not mine--
《●The door buzzer goes off again and Ryan pushes the open door button and into his NYC Penthouse steps in the his beautiful ex-wife April dressed to the nines with their seven year old son Max.●》
Ryan: You're early. I wasn't done working yet. Hey Max..how you doing little man?
April: I have a date tonight..besides that isn't real work anyway--
Ryan: Oh, it's not huh? It pays for the really big check I have to give you every month for spousal support though, doesn't it? And you are still going by Jones? You might as well keep the last name, since you kept everything we owned together--
Max: Dad, I still have a project to do and it's due tomorrow!
April: I'm not fighting in front of him--
Ryan: Of course you have homework that didn't get done buddy. Go ahead and go to your room and I'll be in there to get things squared away. Give your mom a kiss goodbye..she was just leaving.
《●Ryan glares at April with his arms folded and a look of disapproval on his face while his son gives her a hug and a kiss goodbye. Max takes his backpack with him and goes to his room.●》
Ryan: Have fun on your date.
April: Ewww..bitter, party of one. Paging, bitter party of one, you're table is ready..
Ryan: Goodbye, April. And you too UCI camera crew. See you on Sunday night when I become the Rising Star!
《●With that this promo closes. Have we finally found Ryan's Achilles Heel? Stay tuned for our next episode at the same random time..and on the same random channel●》
Right about now you are thinking who the hell is this guy? Fair question. Most will scramble to do their homework before getting in the squared circle with me..others will rely heavily on the words that I am about to convey in what will inevitably be a stellar promo, hopefully setting me apart from my inferior competition. I've done quite a bit in my life that really doesn't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world we call pro wrestling. When I win this Battle Royal and become the new UCI Rising Star Champion on Sunday Night Meltdown from the Talking Stick Arena in Phoenix, Arizona on August 28th, my hard work will be more than validated. Mark that date down, as it will become a starting point for what is going to be a huge run for the "Most Opinionated S.O.B. in this Business". My past accomplishments will become a footnote in comparison to this Herculean feat. Imagine going from a relatively unknown to a rising star in one night. Visualize it, Ryan..you got this!
Talking to myself? Wouldn't be the first time and it certainly won't be the last. As you hip-hop, swagsters like to say, "that's just the way I roll." ¤He cracks a smile but more like a smirk for the first time¤ Who better to hold an intellectual conversation with me than myself? At least I am on my level. I'm sure there a few here who can handle the banter of the "Master Debater"..but...few and far between. I'm as honest as they come and you'll learn to appreciate this as we go along this journey together. I will no doubt have my "haters" as it is written in the urban dictionary but I never have been one to worry about the miniscule things in life, especially not when it comes to business. Isn't that exactly what this is all about..business? My job is to take apart whoever management is so inclined to put in front of me, so please don't take offense at me doing what I get paid to do. Actually, I said I was going to be honest..I really don't give a sh@t if you get offended or not. Thick skin, people. If you don't have it I suggest you find yourself another line of work. Burger King perhaps? At least there you get to wear a little paper, make-believe crown for serving up a side of fries. I'm sure you could take one of those sweet smelling magic markers and scribble the words "rising star" on the front of it, like a two year old, if you wanted too.."Welcome to Burger King...may I take your order?"
Opening match is fine by me, but I don't expect to stay there for long. I'm not in this for the glory..oh no..with me it comes down to the almighty dollar. You think UCI didn't open up their wallet to attain my services? Of course they did and why shouldn't they? I've got star quality and big game potential written all over me. "Boy this one's a bragger", you say while rolling your eyes..but tell me this...is it bragging if I can back it all up? Good point, Ryan. It doesn't matter where I am on the card because that decision is made by the higher ups. I'm confident management will see what they have in due time, I will leave them no choice but to elevate me with the upper echelon of talent in this far more superior company than most. I believe I'm a five star, blue chip performer and believing is ninety percent of the battle. A certain mindset is needed to be a franchise model employee and I have that sort of "Random" thinking, or not thinking, whichever you prefer, required to reach the level mapped out in my own head. Question is: who is going to join me for the ride? That remains to be seen, let's see who can hang with somebody with superior intellect such as myself. Surprise me..I like surprises. ¤He flashes a smart-aleck grin, then pauses to take a swig of his sports drink that is getting warm¤
Time to turn it up a notch..if you are faint of heart or suffer from a Napoleon complex you might want to cover your ears because sh@t is about to get real...I love the guys who won't wrestle women and scream it's all in the name of protecting the business or cry it's not realistic..realism in professional wrestling? Get out of here with that nonsense..this is the entertainment industry, boys and girls. Fantasy..make believe..meaning, newsflash: it's all pretend. Don't get me wrong we put our bodies on the line and you have to be an above average athlete but I'm not going to try and pull the wool over anybody's eyes acting like pro wrestling fans are a bunch of stupid idiots..even if they are. ¤He grins¤ It helps if you are gifted on the stick as well. Which most of us here are but it takes more than just the gift of gab. You have to be able to do more than just flap your lips to get over in this industry..if you're a women, getting on your knees has been known to work in some companies but I'm not sure if that's industry standard or not. Most women beIong in there just as much as me or anybody else. More so really. They have every right to make a living, put food on their table, and provide for their families. As long as they are capable, who cares? As long as they are safe and trained to be a professional wrestler, I don't see why it's even an issue. I know we really do get hurt putting our body on the line to put on a high caliber show. The injuries are real. I always see the warnings: Do not try this at home...forget the warnings, put down the grape soda, grab the chair you are sitting on and crack it over your head as hard as you can and see how it feels. Real enough for you?
I don't care if it's a woman, man or a freakin' billy goat they put me up against just as long as my happy ass gets paid. No ego involved, or "no shame in my game" to put it in everyday terms so even the educationally challenged can understand. Most of these women act like they have male genitals anyway, so what's the difference?
None, as long as that check clears. That's how you get by in this business and this business is how I make my living. Money rules the world unfortunately, no matter how you look at it. I'm just playing the hand I've been dealt and on Meltdown , I'm hitting black jack when I walk out the new UCI Rising Star Champion..
Gone are the days of easy money, sitting at a desk, yelling on a phone at a whale trying to get him to invest his fortunes for the future..his and mine. The easy road I paved took a little turn off the beaten path but you won't find me shedding a tear, that's not my style. Why cry over life? Why put energy into something that in the end will only serve as a detriment to your already deterioring mind? What is...will be. No matter the claims, none of us are a higher power that can eradicate the system. I refuse to worry about sh@t that I can't control. I never put the cart before the horse..no matter how ugly the horse may be.
One thing I can control is making sure I'm the one that walks out of the Talking Stick Resort Arena the new UCI Rising Star Champion, and not one of my esteemed colleagues. I need to make sure when I get on the mic in front of the billions of fans and haters watching around the world, that I transform the atmosphere into the Talking Shit Resort Arena. I will live the moment and not let the moment live me. We all got something to prove, we all want a seat at the head table. Nobody wants to be labeled a bust. I think we will surprise a lot of folks that don't know UCI is the premier organization in this very saturated industry. All eyes on the newcomers? I thrive under pressure, I wouldn't have it any other way!
I know I don't really fit in here and I'm okay with that. I'm not the kind of chap who cares if he hangs out with the cool kids or sips on the different flavored Kool-Aid flowing through the neighborhood. I don't do the long, drawn out nursery rhymes or the Days of Our Lives video journals some try to pawn off as a pro wrestling promo. I'll find my 'spot'. I'm not looking for hand outs, no 'easy button' for me. By Sunday night's end my job will be to entertain the masses..isn't that our goal? I guess this is what they mean by this 'squad goals' thingy I see trending on the daily. ¤He grins from ear to ear¤
Time for the old dreaded talk about my opponents spot. Dreaded for them not for me. I love this part of the business. This week I have plenty to pick from since there will be so many of us trying to get heavier by winning some gold. Half the roster in the same match? Combustible Explosion of Orgasmic Proportions..so many freaks, weirdos, and crazy psychopaths all under one roof is bad enough, I have a feeling things could break down but isn't that the fun part? ¤His eyes light up¤ The mayhem that we will face together may just bring us closer..brilliant move UCI. The ol' reverse psychology method. The thinking is this will build some sort of camaraderie between us..well played. We wouldn't want the inmates running the asylum would we? Has there been any thought to what if the newbies end up sticking together? What if we ban together and become a unit fighting the forces of the nasty ol' mean veterans? ¤He winks into the camera¤
Let's not get ahead of ourselves because I know what's on the line...bragging rights, more notoriety, higher pay scale just to name a few. I don't need the title to get cheap 'heat'..I am my own heat. Most of us will survive whether we walk away with the title that night or not. Look at the roster..how many are signed to contracts? How many titles do we have in the company? Not everybody is going to have a title at once. The laws of mathematics don't work that way. If we lose some along the way in this revolution, so be it. Let's take a closer look at my frenemies, shall we?
Leading off will be Celeste Mallory..she may be a "Pretty Little Devil" but can she fight the fight? She's from England so odds are I bet she can. Problem is she suffers from mummy issues and that will end up being detrimental to her in our match. I have to admit her craziness is kind of a turn on. Don't tell her I said that- ¤Ryan loses focus for a minute¤ Focus, Ryan..focus! ¤He slaps himself¤ Like I was saying..Celeste wants to please her mum so bad it nearly cripples her emotionally. Some day she'll learn to let go and make herself happy first. Until then she will most likely be easy pickins in the ring..bless her little heart. When she loses, it won't be for lack of effort, she will leave her heart in that ring Monday on Meltdown. I won't be blinded by her beauty because that would play right into her and her evil mother's game. Mother won't be getting her way this time, not on my dime. Celeste, I'm glad you like blood because plenty will be spilled..mine and yours! Just remember to save the first and last dance for me. ¤He winks then smiles into the camera¤
Next up..Kestrel..A woman with a chip on her shoulder larger than the brain in her pretty little head. Tough? Tougher than a two dollar steak in one of the casinos UCI picked her up in. Always feeling like she has some kind of point to prove no matter what the situation. She has been trained to be a one woman wrecking crew and she will absolutely break you if you aren't careful. Being so head strong will work against her with so many button pushers in there. She will end up self-destructing without any help once so ever. It will be a valiant effort but it won't be her night with all that pinned up, deep seeded anger she possess. Two down..plenty more to go!
Lara Chang...Jackie's long lost daughter I presume? I'm just kidding of course because Jackie is Chinese and her father is of Hawiian descent and that's Chan anyway..Whoever her father is, there is no denying she is a little spitfire..at a hundred and twenty pounds soaking wet, most will underestimate her. I won't be one of those people. I prepare for all angles of the sword so to speak. My advantage over little Lara is I out weigh her by a hundred pounds or more so my power will overcome her. Don't get me wrong, she will make a great showing but the odds of her winning the whole Battle Royal isn't very likely. She has the heart, just not the size needed to pull off the miracle she would need to walk out Rising Star Champion. We all have our weaknesses, I don't care who you are. Does it take more heart or skill to become a champion in this industry is the age old question. Lara is the perfect test subject for this debate. Monday we will have a definitive answer. If you ever needed to summon the God's of Japan or Hawaii now would be the time. Spitfire or not, I will not hesitate to throw you over the top rope and onto the floor. I have no problem slaying a dragon, it would just be another day at the office as far as I'm concerned. So keep your head on a swivel little spitfire..or I guarantee you the dragon's head will be cut off and fed to the peasants at ringside. You've been warned. There's no debating that!
Who's next in line for my verbal assault? Jonathan "Fang" Porter.."The Wolf God", "The Hunter", "The Devil You Don't Know", "The Master Deal Broker", "The Man In Black" "Satan's Chosen", "The Beast who will be King", "The Spirit of the Wolf", "The True Immortal"--Jesus Christ..no that's not a nickname, just me thinking I thought I had a lot of nicknames but this guy takes the cake. Over confident much there, Jon? This lad has more surnames than Apollo Creed. The Wolf God? Where the f@ck have I been? I need to catch up on my comic books because I've never heard of such ridiculousness in all my life. What the hell does one feed a Wolf God..Blue Wilderness? I seen the commercials..our resident Demon likes the taste of the wild like his ancestors before him. At least Jon has ready made endorsement deals..even if it is dog food.
"The Devil You Don't Know"..that's a tongue twister and very deep. What if someone where happened to be atheist? Kind of throws your whole gimmick into a tailspin, doesn't it? Certainly if they don't believe in God, that throws the "Wolf God" philosophy out the window, not to mention they don't believe in the Devil so that cancels out number two as well. You aren't doing so well with these monikers..are you?
"The Hunter"..pretty original. ¤He smirks¤ Doesn't hunting have seasons? Doesn't it also have rules, regulations and limitations? Maybe this one wasn't thought out well enough? You think..
"The Master Deal Broker"..now you are sort of in my wheel house. Being, I was a real Broker and now I am dubbed the "Master Debater" this is my area of expertise. I actually like this nickname. It needs to be explained to those who probably don't get it but it's not bad..I've heard worse..
"The Man in Black"..here's an example of worse. First, you Mr. Fang, are no Johnny Cash. Second you are no Will Smith or Tommy Lee Jones either. Third..black isn't all that scary any more. It's this dated wisdom that might keep you from fitting in around here but what do I know? I know black no longer frightens people like it did in the 60's and 70's. Better than being yellow..I'll give you that.
"Satan's Chosen"..now I'm confused, which honestly doesn't take much these days. I thought you are implying you are the lead Devil or King Satan himself? So you chose yourself? Mighty big of you, but that's not really going out on a limb is it? I choose myself too then, so now we are even. This still has the Atheist holes but we will overlook that because I am such a nice guy.
"The Beast who will be King"..ugh..where do I begin with this one? I thought you were a Wolf God? So the beast part I get but isn't God already the King? The King of Kings as it is written in the Bible..so unless you're playing chess I don't think this works very well. Checkmate..
"Spirit of the Wolf"..now you are just throwing sh@t at a board and hoping it sticks. Was this your Indian given name? Me, Spirit Wolf..see me roar! I'll do you one better. How about Tonto..you know from the Lone Ranger. Halt kemosabe..has a good ring to it. I hope these foolish handles will some how help you more in the ring because from the looks of it you are going to need it Jon..Hi-Yo, Silver! Away!
Next up is a man straight from your nightmares..no not Freddy Krueger silly.. Logan Demon Joker..emphasis on Joker..I'm assuming LDJ will be the name of choice in this situation. I'm pulling no punches, you seem like a clown to me. You must be UCI's version of Scorpion James. Who's really afraid of clowns? Is there even such a thing as an 'evil' one at that? Seriously, you wear more make up than all the women combined in our match. Good luck with that rubbish!
Dennis "The Menace" Holt..I feel like I grew up watching him on television. Hey, camera guy, why do you look so confused? Oh, it's Archie, not Dennis, still it was part of my childhood. Who didn't want to screw Veronica? I know it's only in comic strip form but I bet a bunch of us rubbed one out to Veronica. ¤The Camera man whispers into Ryan's ear¤ Archer..my error, as you can see I am terrible when it comes to names. Ah..yeah, you have just as good of shot as anybody to be the next Rising Star..¤He rolls his eyes¤ Sure, buddy, whatever tickles your fancy. I won't go put money down in Vegas or anything but that's just me. I'll do me, .and you..well, you do whatever the hell it is you do. Should be interesting..or not!
Lucky number 7. He seems like a decent enough fellow. A little more complexed than even he can recognize but we all have our little quirks, don't we? He brings dysfunction to the game and that is something I can appreciate and relate to. Sven Alexander..though disturbed, is as methodical and calculated as they come. There seems to be a psychological science he uses to break down his opponent mentally before the match even starts. I'm sure that works on mediocre minded opponents but I am far from mediocre, my friend. We both have this controlled chaos that is hard for others to rival. I like to talk a little more than him but that's all part of his playing the unassuming role. Nobody will suspect anything when he Dwi Chagi Kicks (taekwondo name for crescent kick or aka Super Kick) their head clean off their shoulders. I know to stay clear of his well educated feet, though I may have a few tricks up my own gi-sleeve. I have trained in MMA long enough to protect myself without taking to much damage in the process. In jail you have nothing but time to hone your craft. Translate that into professional wrestling and I'll be more than adequate enough to get the job done. Babbling, nonsensically like he often does will be to no avail and doesn't intimidate me once so ever. We both seem attached to the number seven. Who's lucky day will it be on Meltdown..me or the high kicking Q-Tip? Only one way to find out! Tune in on Sunday night.. ¤He pauses to take another swig of his Gatorade and takes a few seconds to breath before he starts speaking again¤
Damien Childs..Mr. 90210 himself. I'm trying to figure out if he's more Dylan or Brandon..one thing that is for sure if anybody needs anything illegal, him or Evil are the ones to go to. They don't call him the Prince of the Sunset Strip for nothing. I'm starting to see a trend here. We have a wannabe Princess, a King and now a Prince..what kind of jacked up fairytale am I in? Only in UCI could this be the case. It takes a special breed to be part of this compound and Damien fits in better than most socially. Way better than I do. He has undervalued attributes that you need to survive and thrive in this cut throat industry. All his connections won't help him in a every man for himself Battle Royal though now, will it? There will be plenty of alpha and omega types, I'll sit back and let them fight amongst themselves, then pick them off one by one like it is Childs play, right Damien?
Princeton St. John..one of the most decorated men in combat sports history. Bo Jackson knows nothing compared to PSJ when it comes to being a two, three, four sport athlete. He could have chosen any sport he wanted..smashing Home Runs with the likes of Barry Bonds..one handed catches in the NFL like Odell Beckham..or sinking a three pointer over LeBron James in the NBA but he instead chose his passion..wrestling. He didn't just choose wrestling, it's more like wrestling chose him. It all came so natural to him. Two-time NCAA Undisputed Heavyweight Champion, One-time Olympic Gold Medal winner and one of the most genetically gifted athletes in the history of sports. Then there's the ego..trust me, Kayne West has nothing on Princeton. What a waste of talent. He can't get along with anybody, which isn't really a big deal considering this isn't a tag team title match but there is more there than meets the eye. Guys with his kind of attitude never work out so why would any promoter put a title on a problem? Usually they don't and that's something Princeton is always up against. Sky's the limit. ¤"Sky's the Limit"; by The Notorious B.I.G., faintly begins to play in the background¤ This guy has the untapped potential most could only dream about. The chances of him getting it all together by Sunday Night for Meltdown are not very high. He is definitely one to keep an eye on for the fans and for me to stay clear of. We don't need him getting into to gold chasing mode, not an Olympic athlete of his caliber. Looks like the immovable object might have to face the irresistible force when it's all said and done. If it comes down to us two in the end it will be a challenge of epic proportions..a challenge I am looking forward too. How many times do you get to prove yourself against a once in a lifetime athlete and Olympic Gold Medalist? Not very often.
Finally we have Zanatos..the chewy breath mint? That's Mentos silly..this guy is the Angel of Death not to be confused with the Angel of Bad Breath. So now we can add an Angel to our list of crazy characters we got going on in this mixed basket of turmoil. This one also has daddy issues so he'll fit right into this emotionally unstable loop we got circling the premises. Zanatos has father abandonment written all over him. Given such a raw deal at a young age has made him bitter towards society and that becomes very dangerous for a man his size and temperament. Who could blame him? Zanatos is fresh and full of life! Damn it, that's Mentos again-
《●Before he can get another word out he is interrupted by his Penthouse door buzzer. Ryan pushes the call speaker button in response ●》
Ryan: Hello?
Doorman: Excuse me, sir, Mrs. Jones is here--
《●Can barely be heard.●》
April Jones: Miss..it's Ms. Jones!
《●"Oh Boy"; Ryan thinks to himself out loud. He pushes the call speaker button●》
Ryan: Okay, send them up! I guess I'll have to cut this promo short. As you can see my ex-wife has brought my son home early once again. I really don't have much more to say anyways, I could go on and on for hours but then that would be somebody else's promo and not mine--
《●The door buzzer goes off again and Ryan pushes the open door button and into his NYC Penthouse steps in the his beautiful ex-wife April dressed to the nines with their seven year old son Max.●》
Ryan: You're early. I wasn't done working yet. Hey Max..how you doing little man?
April: I have a date tonight..besides that isn't real work anyway--
Ryan: Oh, it's not huh? It pays for the really big check I have to give you every month for spousal support though, doesn't it? And you are still going by Jones? You might as well keep the last name, since you kept everything we owned together--
Max: Dad, I still have a project to do and it's due tomorrow!
April: I'm not fighting in front of him--
Ryan: Of course you have homework that didn't get done buddy. Go ahead and go to your room and I'll be in there to get things squared away. Give your mom a kiss goodbye..she was just leaving.
《●Ryan glares at April with his arms folded and a look of disapproval on his face while his son gives her a hug and a kiss goodbye. Max takes his backpack with him and goes to his room.●》
Ryan: Have fun on your date.
April: Ewww..bitter, party of one. Paging, bitter party of one, you're table is ready..
Ryan: Goodbye, April. And you too UCI camera crew. See you on Sunday night when I become the Rising Star!
《●With that this promo closes. Have we finally found Ryan's Achilles Heel? Stay tuned for our next episode at the same random time..and on the same random channel●》