Asylum RP Feedback Pt. 1

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RP: The Partille Psychiatric Institute


Handler: Sven




Overview thoughts: The Adventures of MAX! SVEN! And bad color coding




RP Breakdown

Scene description: 3

Character Development: 3

Shoot: 2

Flow: 2


Overall Rating: 2.5 out of 5




Critical Review:

OK! So there are a few glaring problems that take away from the piece and I want to address them first.

1. ) The spacing issue. O Jam Willy Hey-Zeus, the spacing issues.

2.) The color coding.

I Honestly don’t feel that either are these are your fault as I know spacing issues happen with copy /paste and the color coding is a pain in the ass because the color pallet on the forum is this pale blue that doesn’t lend itself to any color except yellows purples and orange. That is a major MAJOR DETRACTOR..

Since this is the first time I’m doing this for you, I’ll break down by category.

Scene Description: It was fine but could have been given more since you’re doing a traditional novel style set up so readers expect more content then what you’re giving. You want to give your readers enough to chew on and get a good sense of the scenery, you don’t need to go overkill but this could have been better


Character Development: This was your best category as we got to see Sven and Max for brief periods. Sure we get to see that Max is the more brash of the two but we didn’t get to see too much of Sven, at least I didn’t get a sense of Sven.

Shoot: I am ridiculously unfair when it comes to shoot. To me, shoot is the A+ meat and potato of the promo and this needs to come across as such. Sven and Max and their odd couple relation mean jack IF you cant bring that together and remember that YOU ARE A WRESTLER and you need to win matches. You essentially have half a paragraph of shoot at the end and it feels rushed and clearly isn’t the focus of the piece.

Flow: Flow is how well the piece reads. Yours reads pretty bad for what I mentioned previously. Neither are your fault but it does count.


You’ve given some decent insight to Sven and stuff but when it comes to the match and UCI.. I’m lost.
Honestly, this feels like a rookie promo that’s trying to blend fan fiction with Efed. If you’re a rookie, you’re doing well. If you have a couple years in this, then I feel that you’re lacking on common aspect of the game.

When you talk about the asylum (I don’t think they still call them that) you give us next to nothing for description. Improve on that. When you talk about Max, improve upon it. Max being a smart ass is only going to get you through another promo or two before people start skipping it. Those are not selling points of your promo. Max is not the reason people will read the promo. The relationship between Sven and Max are the reason people are going to read your promo. Talk about how and why Sven got into wrestling, explain how Sven who has a severe psychotic disability can function properly enough to wrestle and pass exams. Like, theres little things that you can explain that will add so much depth.

When you shoot, YOU need to convince the READER that you’re going to win. Face and Heel are different ways of doing it and if you have Sven and Max so depending how you play it, could be a double edge sword.



Suggestions:


Find a voice on how you want to play your character and stick to that.

Balance the relationship between Sven and Max

Work on scene description.

Work on shoot.

Be careful with color choices. When promos are hard to read, they get skipped.

I agree with Spence. You just have to flesh out your scenes more.

I know with mine I'm going to have to take a moment and re-introduce a whole cast of characters that I've been using around the same people for around 15 years. I'm also relying on the fact that some of the names I dropped in my rp's are people other people reading might know from other feds they've been in.

Believe me you will wonder just when you got so good it happens pretty quickly when you just take some time to add the tiny details. That's why Brenda has a bio up so I don't have to continually go back and describe her when she's in the rp's. She looks like Halle Berry..

BTW the spacing can be fixed by changing to BBCode mode, pasting, and switching to preview mode to do your fine tuning... (I reads a post posted to help posters)