Main Event
UCI World Championship
Falls Count Anywhere
Bonnie Blue (c) vs. Kevin Bishop
Winner: Bonnie Blue
Reason: Because Tunnel Snakes rule! Wait, wrong faction... Because the Guardians rule! Wait, that's not as catchy... The Guardians are gonna win it all, damn it!
Co-Main Event
UCI Rising Stars Championship
Cordelia Malice vs. Umeji vs. Cormack MacNeill
Winner: Umeji
Reason: meditation and haikus
Hell in a Cell
Spencer Adams vs. Mama Mustache
Winner: Spencer Adams
Reason: He's gonna make Mama Mustache be humble.
Last Woman Standing
Rising Stars Match
L Verez vs. Karlie Nash
Winner: L Verez
Reason: Because Karlie Nash hurt my biographer, and now she's gonna PAY!
UCI Tag Team Championship
Super Stache Brothers (c) vs. ZWO
Winner: zWo
Reason: Because of extra thickness
Jack Schlongson w/ REKT ‘EM vs. El Payaso Loco vs. Devin Copeland
Winner: Not Devin Copeland
Reason: Eclipse members are Milks!
UCI Intercontinental Championship
Sam Kidsgrove vs. Alex Richards
Winner: Alex Richards
Reason: Gotta go for my fellow Guardian!
Shadowlove vs. Preecha Kamon
Winner: Shadowlove
Reason: His Shadows of Love, of course!
UCI Television Championship
Mutilation Match
Oblivion (c) vs. Red Dragon
Winner: Oblivion
Reason: Because Oblivion is insane, and will brutalize the Red Dragon! Plus, anyone in the
Rising Stars Contendership
Logan Burgess vs. M.A.X vs. Ginger Red vs. Matt Angel vs. Cheyenne
Winner: Ginger Red
Reason: M.A.X is dangerous and must be deactivated. Cheyenne likes bugs, and bugs are yucky. Matt Angel is too busy doing parkour and looking at himself in the mirror. Logan Burgess stole Seth's King Slayer gimmick. Ginger Red is gonna take down these goons with her Southern Comfort Highway!
Sah’ta Thor vs. Diamond Rose vs. Tyler Jayceon Marshall
Winner: Not Diamond Rose
Reason: Eclipse members are Milks!